Friday, September 25, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Werewolf (1996)

Monster Crap Inductee: Werewolf
Werewolves For Dummies

I don’t know about you, but I really love werewolf movies. I just love man’s struggle to control the beast inside. You have great movies like American Werewolf In London, Dog Soldiers, Wolf, and of course one of my favorite movies of all time, Wolfen.

Although To Be Fair, Wolfen Isn't Really A Werewolf Movie As It Is More Of A Killer Ghost Wolves Movie.

In my case, a bad movie by werewolf standards is normally a good movie. It is however when you find a bad movie about werewolves when you find a truly atrocious werewolf film.

And such is the case with today’s induction….Werewolf. Originally built as Arizona Werewolf, the producers thought that this movie was somehow so good that Arizona Werewolf wouldn’t do it justice and Werewolf would. The sad thing is, this film doesn’t even come close to the standards created by the Wolfman and others. So without further ado, its time to puke at the moon while you watch Werewolf, a cinematic werewolf disasterpiece.

We open this movie with a shot of the moon and some really generic Indian chanting. Wait, I have to call it Native American or I will offend someone, my bad. After that boring intro, we get to the desert in the middle of Arizona where a bunch of Native Americans are digging up some old bones.

During this whole scene, we get a fight between two diggers, one Native American and one honky. I am white so I can use the word honky. This fight between the two is very similar to that of an old western fight. You know the fights where it’s pretty damn obvious no one is hitting anyone. It ends up being white boy against all three Native Americans and like every old western movie, the Native American has to job to the white man again. Jeez…..hasn’t the Native Americans jobbed to whitey enough. We finally get some scholars to stop the fighting…that is after white guy (His name is Yuri) has beaten the living crap out of the Native Americans. Of course one of those people to stop them is a woman and the other is the man in the yellow hat (I will call him Professor Yellow Hat). Where is Curious George to do something stupid when you need him?


But anyway, the original Native American to get beatdown gets a huge gash from his arm landing on the ground. How can he get a gash from that? Oh wait, there is something there.

During this whole scene we see one of the Native Americans, Joel, is Martin Sheen’s brother Joe Estevez.

What, they couldn’t get Charlie?

He Would Be Drunk Enough At This Time?

Or couldn’t they have gotten Martin?

He Doesn't Mind Crapping On Things I Like

Anyway….they find the bones of a werewolf. Anyway…..Joel only has a few words in the script, one of which is some Native American babble. They try to say it’s not a white man’s werewolf, however if you watch later on, yes…it is a white man’s werewolf. While Professor Yellow Hat is explaining all of this, the woman (her name is Natalie) tries to say this is all very fascinating, however her face says she is bored to tears. She also has a very distinct Dutch accent….or is it Swedish, I can’t remember. We also hear some howls and that is good and all, the only problem is you can kind of tell by the lighting outside that it’s still daylight and as we know, wolves don’t howl in the daylight. Man, would it be too hard to ask the producers to do some simple research about the subject before they do a movie. Anyways, we head back to a scene with Joel and the other two Native Americans. One of the Native Americans is extremely hurt by the ass kicking they received from the white man (Yuri). Joel finally has some since to tell the uninjured one to get an ambulance for the injured one. Back at the lab, Yuri is making a grin saying that the discoverer of these bones will be rich.

We now head to the hospital, where doctors are checking on the injured Native American. This case obviously has the doctor puzzled so he decides to take a break. Anyways, we arrive to the next day where once again, Yuri is treating the Native Americans like trash, asking where Tommy (The injured Native American). You beat the crap out of him and ended up with a serious cut, where the hell do you think he is? Joel just responds by drinking a beer. Now you know where Charlie got his alcoholism from. Yuri then decides to dress up as a doctor to check up on Tommy. Seems nice, however…Yuri just wants to steal blood from him for future experiments. It turns into a full moon and we find that Tommy is turning into a werewolf. Tommy escapes from the hospital, but not before strangling a cop who looks like Bob Villa.
Now Who Will Refurbish My House??

We go back to the farm where Joel and the other Native American are hanging out. They have with them a gun so you know damn well what they are up to. We then see the werewolf, who looks like a bat. Okay….Wolves look nothing like bats and this werewolf should not look like a mutant version of Batman.

I'm Batwolf!!

We also see that the werewolf tends to have a gorilla costume on from far distance. My apologies, it actually looks like a bear costume. Anyway, Joel and his buddy shoot the werewolf, ending Tommy’s life.

Although It Looks To Me That They Completely Missed The Werewolf And Killed An Innocent Bear.

Bears Are Never Innocent

I will take your word for it Stephen Cobert. Anyway, we go back to the next day where we find that someone has moved into the new house. This new guy rings the doorbell and is answered by some guy who looks like a cross between Fidel Castro and Santa Clause. The new guy introduces himself as Paul Niles. Anyways…Santa Castro decides to tell Paul that Carrie is upstairs waiting for him.

Michael Corleone's Illegitimate Grandson Meets Fidel Claus

Santa Castro introduces himself before Paul can go upstairs as Sam the House Keeper. He meets Carrie, who by the way looks like she needs pants, and tells her he will take care of the house.

On Second Thought, I Don't Care How Short Her Skirt Is

Before she leaves, Carrie invites Paul to a birthday party. Now, these are two grownups so why anyone would have a birthday party at this age is beyond me.

At the birthday party, Paul meets Natalie and the two seem to have an instant connection. This connection is interrupted for a short time by Yuri, who is drunk off his ass.

Have I Ever Told You How Dry I Am??

When Paul tries to calm Yuri down, he gets attacked for it. Professor Yellow Hat comes in to break up the whole fiasco and sends Yuri outside to take a walk. Yuri decides to head to the museum where he works at and sets up a night watchman to be turned into a werewolf. How does he do this? He puts a drug in his wine, has him drink it, and while he is knocked out, injects the blood sample of Tommy into him. He follows the night watchman and sees him turn into a werewolf; however his living werewolf dies in a car accident.

That Is Honestly Too Bad Because Werewolf Security Guard Would Have Made For An Awesome TV Show.

Obviously it seems that Yuri wants a real life living werewolf to show to the world and the werewolf dying in a car accident is not good. The next day, Natalie shows Paul to the werewolf bones they found. They are interrupted once again when Yuri comes in. He attacks Paul with the skull of werewolf bones and the teeth scratch Paul.
At night and a full moon, he turns into a werewolf. The problem again is that full moons don’t happen as often as they do in this film. They happen once a month, not once a day. Also, the transformation scene is absolutely dreadful because this it looks like he is having a seizure the whole time and this movie suffers from the bad day-night shots that plagued film in the 60s all the way to the 80s (this film let’s remember was made….in 1996). He goes out in the middle of the night and kills a young woman who was making out with a young guy. Once again we have problems because during the chase scene, this young woman gets runs as the werewolf is crawling. After a few minutes of chasing, this young woman falls into the puddle and for several minutes, just tries to get out of it. I say several minutes because this scene really takes a long ass time and it seems that her dress is 300 lbs. She can’t escape and the werewolf kills her in the puddle.
This Movie's Opinion: Mud Is A Woman's Worst Enemy

Afterwards, we get another long scene as a werewolf and is it just me or is there a duck in the background. Carrie comes to the house to check on Paul and is attacked by Paul the werewolf. It should be noted that she heard a growling noise and went to see what it is. When something has that sort of growl, I tend not to check it out. She is pushed down the stairs yet survives to escape while the werewolf tries to show us that…..he is a werewolf. No, he doesn’t piss on the carpet, but he is growling a lot and showing his claws

I'm Too Busy Reveling In The Fact That I Am A Werewolf To Kill Her.

The next day, he tells Natalie about his situation and she tells him what happened to Tommy.

At night, once again a full moon, Paul is out on another date with Natalie. Yuri and a biker interrupt and she beats them both in pool, as well as Paul. Yuri goes into the bathroom and he sees that Paul has turned into a werewolf. He tells Professor Yellow Hat and Yellow Hat tells him to catch him. Natalie finds out about this and tries to help Paul escape. Paul ends up back at the house where Sam the Keeper is. He acts scared, however he just stands there looking at Paul as if he is road kill. I’m surprised he didn’t poke Paul with a stick. Paul is about to kill Sam when he decides to go upstairs and hide instead. Natalie surprisingly gets home first. I say surprisingly because Yuri mentions that Professor Yellow Hat has called in some guards to capture him while she was talking to him. Natalie tells Sam that if anyone tries to break into the house, to shoot them. He says you got it. Because we all know the non-werewolves outside are scarier than the werewolf inside. Huh?

She finally sees Paul for the werewolf that he is, but is still in love with him, even when he tries to hide his face. Yuri also arrives before the guards and tries to capture Paul. Paul escapes through the back door with Yuri closely behind. Yuri goes into the woods as well and is ambushed by Paul. It should be noted that once again, Paul has turned into the bat wolf.

It should be noted that during this whole attack scene, we see Yuri put his arms over his face….and open them again. This happens several times before finally Yuri dies. The end comes when it is revealed that Natalie has turned into a werewolf. It is kind of weird however since she is human most of the way into the house. I wonder when she turned.

In the end, this movie becomes a complete insult to every decent werewolf movie out there. The chase scene was bad. The wooden dialogue from Natalie was worse. I forgot to mention that Yuri looks like he has a new haircut every scene. The only good that came out of this movie is that we didn’t see too much of Joe Estevez. Thank god for that. Now if you excuse me, I will have to watch Dog Soldiers, Wolf, The Wolfman, American Werewolf In London, and Wolfen all together to get the bad werewolf taste out of my mouth.

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