Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Battlefield Earth (2000)

Battlefield Earth
Scientology Doesn’t Make the World Work

There have been several movies that have been made based on someone’s religious beliefs. We all know about Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ. But sometimes a religion is so stupid that even a movie based on it can suck all wind. That religion is called Scientology and that movie is called Battlefield Earth. Yes, I’ve said it. Scientology sucks. The religion was created by a man who was a science fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard. Even worse, he created the religion originally to make money. He didn’t do it because of a higher calling or a spiritual message. He did it for money.
But that doesn’t stop several moronic people from being associated with this religion. We all know about crazy Tom Cruise.

Seriously, Do You Want To Be In The Same Religion As This Guy

But there are others like Kristie Alley, Beck, Lisa Marie and Priscilla Presley, Kelly Preston and of course, the star of this stinkfest, John Travolta.

But let’s get to the film that will be gracing Monster Crap.

In the beginning of the movie, we find out that for the last 1000 years, Earth has been ruled by a bunch of aliens from the planet Psychlo. These aliens are led by Terl, who is played by John Travolta. Interesting note is that the people of Psychlo look like a familiar race of people from Star Trek

Supposedly, these aliens are looking for gold….the rarest and most valuable metal. Wow…that’s a real stretch. Humans however, are becoming extinct because they are hiding out in radiated areas. However, you wouldn’t know that Earth is bad because it looks so natural. Humans have also seemed to have lost the ability to cut hair as every human has long hair.

Get A Haircut, Ya Hippie

That is where we meet our supposed human savior Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, played by Barry Pepper, who you might remember as the bible quoting sniper in Saving Private Ryan.

Anyway….Tyler gets captured by the aliens, who make him a slave and gets sent to a human processing center, which is also known as Denver. Nice to know they at least kept the name of the city.

I Should Note That Some Of These Actors Don't Even Look Terrified Of The Aliens.

He ends up impressing the leader of the alien race by killing two aliens with one of the alien’s own guns.

Don't Ask Me Why He Wasn't, You Know.....Killed

Terl, the lead alien, wants to get off this planet. However, he is forced to stay on Earth for 50 years or cycles as they call it. The problem that keeps him on this planet is he slept with the boss’ daughter. I guess she couldn’t resist his Saturday Night Fever dancing.

With Moves Like That, What Alien Woman Can???

Some boring dialogue is given and nothing big happens until Terl decides to illegally use humans to be trained to mine for the aliens. Terl decides to take Jonnie with him to train because of his skills in trying to escape and killing other alien rulers. This proves to be a huge mistake.
In the end, he leads the humans into a revolution and the humans win. This sounds like a rather uninteresting movie and quite frankly, it is. There are a lot of meaningless scenes that would make any person fall asleep. The idea of this movie is to teach us some of the ideas of scientology. It gives us a look into the future, but there are huge major flaws. This movie was made in 2000 so supposedly, we were supposed to be attacked by the aliens and ruled over for the next 1000 years. It’s 2006 and that still hasn’t happen. It probably never will happen. Scientology sounds like an idea I would be behind except I have one problem. I have something called common sense. In this movie, Terl gives us a quote that is exactly what scientologists are.

Stupid Humans
- Terl

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