Saturday, December 20, 2014

Monster Crap Inductee: The Happening (2008)

The following induction is dedicated to my late Uncle Frank, who passed away on November 1, 2014.

Monster Crap Inductee: The Happening
Shit Is Happening


We meet again, M. Night Shyamalan.

Time For A Twist

The last time and first time we inducted one of your films was this year as your film After Earth starting The Fresh Prince & Son won the 2013 GINO Award by a pretty wide margin. What I also mentioned was in this film and at this point in time, M. Night Shyamalan had fallen to the point that he was just a director for hire as Will Smith truly controlled what happened in this film. Now as I had mentioned, at one time, M. Night Shyamalan was considered to be the next Alfred Hitchcock, but that was a long time ago and he had ruined his career greatly with blunder after blunder. This month, we are going to look at a film where M. Night had complete control of the film and the only thing that was asked was to make this film R-Rated so the advertisers could market this as M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-Rated film.

It was 2008 and after the first three films were considered great (The Sixth Sense), underrated (Unbreakable), and okay, but stupid in multiple viewings (Signs) , M. Night had just done two movies that were considered disappointing (The Village) to downright horrendous (Lady In The Water) so Shyamalan needed a film to be successful. Unfortunately as we all know, what we got was The Happening.

This film stars Mark Wahlberg, who can be in spectacular roles in films like The Departed (he was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his role in that film) and absolutely horrendous in films like Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes remake (the film that finished a very close second place in the poll for this month’s induction). Also starring with him is Zooey Deschanel, who’s sister is known as the title character in the hit Fox TV show Bones and herself was basically an independent film darling, while her most known film was Elf where she played a small role where her character in the end turned out to be the main character’s love interest. The final star is John Leguizamo who at the time was known for the voice of Sid the Sloth in the Ice Age franchise, but Monster Crap may know him for a role in the 90s.

Yep, He Was Luigi In That Terrible Super Mario Brothers Movie

So with that trio starring and the director being allowed to continue with his ego, let’s see why the director’s fall continued.

We start this movie off with some calm foreboding music before we get our title screen with some clouds in the background.

After the opening credits, we head to Central Park in New York City.

Thanks Movie, I’m Not Sure I Needed The Actual Time Though.

Two women are at a bench reading their books. One of them forgot where she was at in the book and the second one helps remind her of where she is in the book.

Suddenly a scream is heard and the woman on the left is wondering what that is. Suddenly we see people stopping and walking backward while she explains that she is seeing people clawing at themselves and there being blood.

I Assure You, These People Are Walking Backwards….Although I Would Rather See The Scene Where People Are Clawing At Themselves And There Being Blood.

The woman on the left is trying to ask the woman on the right if she is seeing all of this. The woman on the right is wondering what page is she on and is in complete confusion.

She then grabs a hairpin out of her hair and stabs herself in the neck with it.

Nice Of Her So-Called Friend To Have That Reaction Of Just Concern For Her Friend Just Stabbing Herself And Not A Reaction Of Complete And Utter “OH MY GOD!!!!”

Three blocks from Central Park…

Once Again, Thanks Movie…

We are at a construction site where a boss (in the white hat) is shooting the shit with his employees.

Suddenly, a body falls off the roof behind them.

As they inspect the body, another body falls down and another and another…and the boss finally decides to look up.


You know with these two scenes of people suddenly killing themselves and people around them concerned for what is going on (well, at least someone was reacting appropriately in the second scene), I’m starting to wonder why I am inducting this movie. I mean, something is happening so why do I find this film laughably bad again?

Oh Yeah….

Yes, you are seeing Mark Wahlberg playing Elliot Moore, a science teacher. Yeah, the last thing I look at when I see Mark Wahlberg is science teacher. He is talking to his students about the strange event where honey bees are just vanishing from existence (well, the European kind as those African bastards are still going strong). He asks his students if they can explain why this is happening and for each normal answer, he keeps asking, “where are the bodies?” He then asks this one student who isn’t really paying attention and when he doesn’t seem to care, Elliot seems to tease him about science being very important as science determines his looks in the future.

Jesus Christ, Elliot…You’re A Teacher. You Are Not Supposed To Be Making Fun Of Your Students.
Elliot then laughs and says he is just joking with him and he’ll be fine, which calms the kid down. So again he asks the question and the kid says it is an act of nature and we’ll never fully know. Elliot says that is correct as we may come up with something, but that will be a theory and we will never truly know. Elliot, if that is what you are preaching to these kids, you are a piss poor science teacher. You are supposed to have the answers for natural events such as this and even if you don’t, you should never just be content with the fact that we will never know.

Also I actually looked this up about European honey bees vanishing because I do know that their vanishing is something that is truly happening (dear god, I just used the movie title in my rant) and actually Mr. Elliot, they already have an answer for this based on more than just theory. It is something called Colony Collapse Disorder and there are many causes like pesticides, mites, fungus, malnutrition, disease, beekeeping practices, beetles, among other things. Bottom line is there is not one single factor that is causing this as there are multiple factors. It’s kind of like our body. There is no single factor that is causing people to die before their old age in life. Species die all the time and not all of them are because of us. So maybe Elliot, considering the way European bees live (which is rather calmer than their African cousins), this is just evolution finally taking hold.

The vice principal comes and Elliot decides to play with the students and pretend the vice principal is evil and turns out the lights trying to hide.

I Am Not Making This Up

The vice principal turns on the lights, tells him to knock it off and has him come with her to meet with the principal. But don’t worry, Elliot isn’t in trouble for being a complete juvenile as all the other teachers are being called too.

Well, It Seems That Cameron From Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Has Grown Up To Become Principal At This School.

He tells the other teachers that there appears to be an event happening as Central Park was just hit with what seems to be a terrorist attack.

Oh Dear God…Sony Didn’t Pull The Interview Out Of Theaters In Time And The North Koreans Attacked Anyway. We’re Doomed!!!!


Principal Cameron explains that they are not sure yet the scale of the attack, but it is airborne. They have said to watch for warning signs like confused speech, physical disorientation, and loss of direction. The principal says that he has talked to the head of schools (you mean the superintendent, numbnuts) and they have agreed to dismiss the students. He finally tells the teachers to take their planners home and come back when this is all over.

As they is leaving, Elliot tells his students that they still have to work on their science projects for next week.

Hmmm…Nice Use Of Actual Quotes That Einstein May Have Said Or Not As There Is No Legit Solid Evidence That He Ever Said This, But You Haven’t Even Gotten The Full Quote Down. Here Is The Full Attributed Quote.

“If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.”
          -   Attributed To Albert Einstein, Although Him Saying This Most Likely May Be Completely False

Then we get to meet Julian, the math teacher and Elliot’s good friend.

Okay, I Think It May Be More Believable That John Leguizamo May Be A Plumber Than A Math Teacher

He says his mom has been calling him and she is hysterical about this whole thing. He then says that he told his mom that the probability of something happening in Philadelphia is very low. Yep, because Julian is a math teacher, he uses math in most of his dialogue. He invites Elliot and Alma to come with him and his daughter to check on her and the science teacher says that he has to think about it.

After a phone call with Alma, he meets up with Julian outside of the school. He says that Alma has been acting weird so just be cool. Julian then says that he and Alma got married way too early and that she may not be the marrying type. Well, maybe we can have one actress act right so let’s see Alma, maybe we can get a good performance from the actress playing her.


Seriously, seeing that doughy-eyed expression was what made me know that no matter what, this film is not going to be a film I liked.

Anyway, Alma here is watching the news and her phone starts vibrating. She looks at it and she sees that Joey is calling. Apparently Joey has been calling a lot as she immediately is frustrated and doesn’t answer. She puts it on the table and it keeps vibrating and vibrating and we get this look.

Elliot comes in and asks if she is packed. Alma says that she is and when asked about what the people on TV are saying, she says that they are evacuating New York City.

New York City!!!
Then This Woman Comes On And Oh Boy, You Are Not Going To Believe This.

She talks about how our brains come equipped self-preservation mechanism that stops us from harmful actions. This is of course controlled by a combination of electro-chemical signals in the brain. She adds that the blocking of neurotransmitters by certain toxins has been proven to cause hallucinations, asphyxiation, and paralysis. She adds that this new neurotoxin is basically flipping the preservation switch so people start killing themselves. Apparently in this film, suicide is being caused by a flip of our self-preservation mechanism. You can immediately call bullshit on that because basically there are a lot of reasons suicides happen (much like with the disappearance of the European honey bees) such as depression, manipulation, curiosity of the unknown to the living. I thankfully have been lucky enough not to have known someone personally who has committed suicide, but I am pretty sure that those that have probably have given this film the middle finger and honestly, I do not blame them.

Elliot says he will be packed in two minutes. While he is upstairs, he grabs his mood ring.

Oh What Fun We Will Have With This Thing

Yeah, Sadly I Hear That Was A Real Headline From The Philadelphia Inquirer. I Sadly Doubt The Guy Who Made That Headline Was Fired For Being Such An Asshole.

Once again, Alma gets a phone call from Joey, who she answers and then hangs up on. By the way, the voice on that phone is M. Night Shyamalan so I like to imagine that she is basically not wanting to hear his stupid ideas for twists (don’t worry, it will be dumber).

At the train station, Elliot meets up with Julian and his daughter and it is here where we finally meet his daughter named Jess.

The news report now on TV says that the autopsies on the first victims are in and that they have learned some new information: the airborne toxin is a natural compound. Elliot asks about Julian’s wife and he reveals that his wife was at a shop downtown and she is stuck in traffic so she is going to take the next train. Elliot offers to wait with Julian and Jess for her, but Julian says that his wife would want them all to take this train so she will feel much safer. Julian asks about Alma and Elliot says that she is in the restroom.

And Immediately Seven Seconds Or Less Afterwards, She Shows Up Saying Hi.

Julian says that he has the tickets and compares it to getting those Cabbage Patch dolls when they first came out. Those things first came out in 1978, when you were 14 so I have to question you getting those dolls at 14, buddy. Of course Julian also starts shit and basically seems a little apprehensive with Alma, saying in a snide manner that he is glad that she could come. Alma seems to get that and asks to talk with Elliot alone.

Alma gets on Elliot, thinking that he told Julian about the fight. Elliot says he didn’t and Julian just guessed. Alma says that she isn’t the type of person who likes to put her feelings out there for everyone to see. Alma says that she is going to sit alone on the train to cool off so by the time they get there, she will be fine. After Alma leaves, Elliot and Julian get into an argument about their opinions of Alma and Elliot just wants Julian not to judge her now. He leaves and we here the final call for all people to board the train. Jess asks about her mom and Julian says that she will get on the next train as she is always late. The train starts to move as we head to Rittenhouse Park in Philadelphia.

Stop Doing That Movie

The wind starts coming in and on the streets, a cop tells a driver named Sal that it seems chilly out. Suddenly, people here stop and start walking backwards.

We go to the cop’s legs, hear a gunshot, and then see the cop fall to the ground with a gun in his hand and a bullet in his head.

A Little Extra Blood Squirt Just For That R Rating

The gun falls over a bit and of course, this Sal guy comes out of his car, grabs the gun, walks a few feet and then shoots himself.

No Squirt This Time? Are You Sure, Film?

Okay…we then see a woman go and grab the gun.

We then go back to the train and we see Alma talking to who I assume is Joey, on the phone. She says that he needs to stop calling her as they just had Tiramisu together. She then gets word from Joey that apparently there was an attack in Philadelphia. We then go to Julian, Elliot, and Jess who also learned that Philadelphia was just attacked. Jess tells Julian to call her mom, which Julian was going to do anyway since it is his wife and he was nervous after hearing that. Julian gets to his wife, but with the noise on the train and static on the phone, he cannot understand what his wife is saying. He tells her to text him and he waits for the text. Julian tells Elliot that his wife got on a bus going to Princeton, New Jersey. Julian seems relieved about this.

Elliot goes to Alma to update her on the situation, which she mostly knew about and reveals that Boston got attacked too. Alma asks what the hell is going on and all Elliot can say is that he honestly does not know. The train suddenly stops at the station of Fillmore, Pennsylvania.

Welcome To Fillbert. We Know You Wanted To Go Somewhere Else, But You Are Stuck Here Now

Interestingly enough, the real town of Fillbert DOES NOT have a train station. Oh and even better, this train is supposed to be taking them to Harrisburg, which is in south central Pennsylvania and west of Philadelphia while Filbert is south of Pittsburgh, which is freaking further west of Harrisburg. So basically, they just went way passed their final destination!!!!

Elliot immediately goes to the train conductors and asks what is going on. They inform Elliot that they cannot get word from anyone so they are not going any further.

We then get more character development for Jess as she whispers when she is scared and Julian whispers back that they will be fine. Alma then tells Jess that they are so much the same as she doesn’t like to show her emotions either. Jess now might want to be even more terrified if she is going to grow up to be like doughy-eyed, completely lost Alma over here. Nice job, Alma.

Elliot reveals that they are stuck here and are not saying anything (despite a few minutes ago, telling Elliot what the hell is going on). Elliot calms Jess down by telling her they are at a small town and nothing will happen to them here. They eat at a diner (which Fillbert also doesn’t have) and Julian leaves Jess with Elliot for a few minutes while he goes to get the milk.

At that time, Elliot reveals the great wonder of his mood ring. He puts the mood ring on her and says that since it is yellow, that she is about to laugh, which after a few minutes, she does (which is a crock of shit since I’ve looked it up and yellow actually means you are tense or excited). Then the woman next to him shows him a video from her phone of a zoo keeper in the lion’s cage, getting his arms ripped off by lions.

Now, if you are like me who has the internet, you might notice a few problems with this scene. The first of which is bad green screen with equally bad lighting shows us that the “zoo keeper” is not in the same place as those lions are. And the second is and this is more important, lions DON’T RIP LIMBS OFF WHILE YOU ARE STILL ALIVE!!! Lions tend to when they are killing something, to GO FOR THE DAMN NECK!!!! Suffocation is the name of the game for lions, not ripping you apart. You are a science teacher, Elliot and you should know that this is complete crap as ripping off the limbs of something that is alive, even for something like a lion, is pretty freaking hard to do, due to connective tissue and all. That is why when you see someone get ripped apart in most things, you see pain in the person as they feel like they are being stretched out.

Later on, someone comes in and says that they are not sure if it is terrorists now. He turns up the TV and we get a new report where they admit that with the sheer number of attacks, that terrorists coordinating this is highly unlikely. The event also appears to be limited to the Northeast. He also says smaller and smaller towns are being attacked. They ask where are they and the guy points to where they are.

Thank you Lex. As I had mentioned Filbert is south of Pittsburgh and west of Harrisburg, they are pretty much not in any of the attack radius. They are closer to West Virginia than they are to the attack radius.

So because of all of this and because power went out afterwards, all of the locals get in their cars and head off, not even bothering to give our main characters a ride.

However, these nice people are able to give them a lift since they have to head back home and get some stuff. Elliot tells Julian that he has a ride for them, but Julian isn’t going with them.

You see the vehicle behind them is going to New Jersey and is willing to stop at Princeton on the way. Julian says that it is his fault his wife is late as she was only in that area to get a birthday present for Jess which was some kind of dollhouse. He says that he must go to get his wife, but since it is not safe for Jess, he is leaving Jess here with Elliot and Alma. This scene is really heartbreaking as one of the few things good about this film was the father-daughter bond between Julian and Jess, and despite his math equations and assurances to the contrary, you can tell by his emotions that he is basically telling his daughter goodbye and he knows it. Alma goes to take Jess and Julian warns her not to take his daughter’s hand unless she means it (showing that he still doesn’t trust her, but this is the one time she better be ready to be a responsible adult). He then leaves in the vehicle heading to New Jersey and Elliot and Alma take Jess with them.

I Will Admit That This Scene Deserves To Be In A Better Movie. This Scene Here Would Also Be Better If Doughy Eyed Alma And An Unhip Guy Trying To Be Hip Known As Elliot Were Not Even Here

Oh And I Guess I Should Mention This Now As You Never Really Get A Good Look At The Driver’s Face, That Is Brian O’Halloran, Better Known As Dante Hicks From Clerks.

Wait…this guy heading to New Jersey. It all makes sense to me now! This driver here is Dante and despite this attack and being on his day off, someone has called him into work at the Quick Stop.


Meanwhile, the couple that picked Elliot, Alma, and Jess up stop by their place to get a few things, namely hot dogs which the guy feels gets a bad rep. He then takes them to his Nursery and reveals his theory about what is going on and boy will you love this excuse, namely because he is sadly right on the money. It’s the plants that are causing us to kill ourselves.


He reveals that the plants can reveal chemicals and can respond to human stimuli, so he talks to them about how they are going and they will be back soon.

Yeah, while plants can respond to certain stimuli, speech isn’t one of them. In fact, the only thing you are doing by talking to them is giving them more carbon dioxide to breathe.

So on their way to Princeton, which they got to pretty fast since we know how far Filbert actually is from New Jersey. And of course they immediately get a very small hint that Princeton has gotten attacked.

Just A Small Hint…

One of the women goes crazy seeing the dead bodies and Julian tries to calm her down with a math riddle. And here it is: “how much would you have if I said I would pay you a penny on the first day, and then two pennies on the second, and then four pennies on the third, and then it just kept doubling and it did this for a month. How much money would you have at the end of the month?”

After a few guesses, he gives her the answer of over ten million dollars, which is actually correct. Of course, giving someone a math riddle during this kind of stress is not very helpful. A sound of wind is heard and Julian reveals that it must be in the air so they must close all the vents and they do, but there is still the sound of wind. Julian doesn’t understand until he looks up at the roof and sees a hole.

Uh Oh…Better Gets Some Duct Tape
Duct Tape….Are You Serious? Duct Tape!!!!

Yes, Batista…duct tape would really help in this situation. But of course, it is too late for them as the car stops, then speeds up, and eventually runs into a tree.

Obviously A Fan Of George Of The Jungle.

Everyone in the car is dead, except for Julian, who gets out of the car and sits down. He then finds a piece of glass and starts cutting his wrist, signaling the end for this character.

So Long, Julian…Just Don’t Try To Bug The Almighty With Math Riddles, He Might Send You To Hell For Being A Nuisance.

Back to the still alive bunch in a vehicle, the radio says that water contamination may be seen as a cause. Unless water contamination can become airborne, I strongly doubt that one. Anyway, Elliot reveals that there is a small town on the way called Holcomb (there is no town in Pennsylvania called that) and after they hit that, they will hit the highway, and be 30 miles from the state line. Of course they see something on the road that they think are dead bodies, but Elliot tells them to stop the car so he can see with his binoculars, binoculars that this plant guy has for when he was spying on the neighbors. Yeah, you can kind of guess plant guy is creepy.

Elliot uses the binoculars and sees that they are in fact dead bodies.

Considering The Film You Are In And Considering That No Other Animal Has Been Hit By This Suicide Bug, Should You Really Be Surprised At This Point.

Elliot tells them to go around and take another road that is some miles back. They take that road and see a fork in the road, with three different routes to take. But on the middle road, an army vehicle comes out with this soldier named Private Auster.

He reveals that he was stationed at Westover Military Base and says that there are dead people there. Interesting you say Westover Military Base as there is one, but there are two problems. First, soldier….if you really are from Westover, you should be an Airman instead of a Private since Westover is an Air Force Base. Second and this is a bigger problem considering the directions of this film, Westover is not west of Filbert. In fact, Westover isn’t even in Pennsylvania. Care to guess where it is? It’s in Connecticut!! Dear God, movie…when you were making this film, did you not you know, look at a damn map.

He is actually more specific about the dead people saying they were in barb wire. You know, R-rated movie, I would have loved to have seen that. But no, apparently this film believes the motto is “Tell, Don’t Show”. Creepy plants guy tells them that in a town 10 miles up the road, there were dead people there too. Of course, the private hearing this says this line.

Private Auster: Cheese and crackers.

I had to mention that line because not since one of my high school gym teachers, head coach, and assistant coach to several of the high school sports teams John Kraus have I heard anyone use that line so it is funny just to hear it again.

However, Auster reveals that we still have two directions to go to and as you would know it, cars come from both directions saying there are dead bodies that way too. So everyone leaves their cars and they stay right there instead of driving through it because you know, they would be screwed. After a meeting, Creepy plant guy tells Elliot that he was talking to one of the people who has a daughter who lives in Princeton (where Julian went) on the phone.  They go to the woman talking to the daughter and learn that everyone in Princeton is dead by the attack before speaking incoherently about Calculus and jumping out of a window to her death. Of course, the woman is devastated about her daughter just dying on the phone, but for this film, the more important thing is that with everyone in Princeton being dead, that means they now know that Julian and his wife are probably dead too.

And with now knowing that her dad and mom are probably dead, a very bad thing happens to Jess and that is the actress playing her seems definitely lost and not to criticize a kid, but her acting kind of suffers now because she no longer is working with her on-screen dad. So I guess later on, Jess is now taking a nap in the back of the car, which I guess means that she cried herself to sleep.

We also learn from creepy plant guy (who is also eating a hot dog) talks about how plants are able to target specific threats like Tobacco plants when they are attacked by caterpillars will send out a chemical attracting wasps so they can kill the caterpillars. Nice idea, but once again…your science is wrong. While plants can target other plants, that is not the same with caterpillars. In fact, Wasps have developed a certain ability to know when a plant is being injured and can really deduce that caterpillars are the cause.

Moving on, when asked which species of plant he thinks is doing this, creepy plant guy says all of them since plants can communicate with other plants. Well, once again, not in the way you think movie. Plants can sense other plants in its area, but they can’t completely communicate them. Also creepy plant guy talks about plants being able to evolve very rapidly to deal with a threat. Umm….that is not completely how evolution works. Individual plants do not evolve, it is the populace of plants that evolve through reproduction so it all depends on how fast plants can reproduce, but I can mostly tell you that it is not as quick as this film seems to believe. Evolution involves years and years, not seconds or minutes or hours or even days or months. Evolution is rather sssssslllllooooowwww.

Meanwhile, Elliot is talking to Auster and they formulate that they shouldn’t be on roads and should split up. One group will leave immediately and a second group will leave after they have all their stuff with them. Auster and plant guy go with the group that leaves immediately while Elliot, Alma, and Jess go with the latter group. They also decide to head to a (really fictional) county called Arendalle.

Hmm….Maybe You Can Meet A Queen Named Elsa And Maybe You Can Convince Her To Use Her Magical Powers To Freeze The Plants.

While with the second group, Alma finally admits to Elliot her secret of hanging with a co-worker and gasp…..sharing a dessert. Seriously, that’s it and Elliot is sort of upset because she did lie to him.

We go to the first group and a wind arises which causes Private Auster to go Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs. He talks to nobody and yells that he will never part with his fire-arm. When creepy plant guy wonders if he is okay, Auster looks at him and grabs his gun while going backwards. Creepy plant guy and his wife realize what has happened and we cut to the second group who hear gunshots. They immediately deduce that it is the other group and they start worrying. They look to Elliot and Elliot needs them to let him think.

All The While Giving These Facial Expressions.

He decides that they should split up and start running into smaller groups. The smaller group that matters here is Elliot, Alma, Jess, and two teenagers. I say that because while there are three groups, they seem to be the only one this film follows. Now they are being chased by the win.

Yes, The Wind Is Attacking Them

Linka Of The Planeteers Must Be Pissed

Actually, it is the wind that is apparently carrying this invisible toxin that the plants are emitting. The group runs, but gets surrounded by the wind, which just passes them by.

Yes, You Are Seeing The Wind Split Two Ways So This Group Doesn’t Get Effected Whatsoever. If You Are Yelling That Is Not How Wind Works, You Can Rest Easy Knowing I Am Yelling The Same Thing.

So the wind stops and this group continues on. While running on, we learn that the black teenager’s name is Jared & Josh. They stop and they see a truck in the area.

Which Actually Has No Significance Whatsoever Other Than It Might Have A Map

Elliot looks in the truck and turns on the radio (that for some reason can be turned on when the car isn’t even on). The voice on the radio is wondering why they are not looking into nuclear power plants and there probably has been a leak or something. Um…there have been nuclear power plant disasters and they don’t tend to emit something that would cause people to kill themselves. In fact, the only thing nuclear power can do is make you radioactive, which might cause you to develop severe cancer. Now the suffering of cancer is extremely terrible and I am not going to diminish that fact, but there aren’t going to be mass suicides everywhere because of it.

Anyway, Elliot finally notices the house that you might have noticed before then. So at this house, Alma has a theory of a terrorist booby trap that someone stepped in. I’m really not going to dignify that theory with a rant on why that is stupid. Of course they find a map and also find the house they are in is a fake house used by realtors to sell property. While Alma goes to take Jess to the bathroom, Elliot notices a certain something in the room.

Hi There

Elliot then starts talking to the plant, assuring with it that they mean no harm and they will just be on their way in a minute. And then he discovers that the plant is fake.

Although With The Plant Sort Of Moving, You Might Want To Be Worrying About A Breeze In The Room

Elliot has a conversation with Josh who is wondering why this is happen, so Elliot’s idea of easing the situation is to tell this kid about the primordial bacteria that has been recently discovered that is toxic and killing fisherman.

Just Be Thankful The Actor Playing Josh Is The Brother Of Abigail Breslin, Who Played Little Miss Sunshine. Otherwise, You Might Have Depressed Him Enough To Consider Suicide.

Of course they leave this house and they see another group. The wind comes at this group and they start killing themselves. Most noticeably this one guy who starts a giant mower so he can lay in from of it and become mulch.

This Scene Was Just Done So We Can Get That R Rating

After walking for a few minutes where we get padding with the teens and Elliot talking about the mood ring and Elliot’s relationship with Alma, and the scene where the find radios on a fence that just air an emergency broadcast, they finally find a boarded up house. Elliot wants to move on, but Alma mentions that Jess is tired and hungry so they decide to enter the house. Elliot also reveals that he was at the pharmacy and saw a pretty lady so he bought cough medicine just to talk to her. Alma asks if he is joking and Elliot just nods which just enforces that whole sharing dessert secret was rather stupid.

While trying to enter, they realize people are home and they try to plead with him to let them in. The man of the house refuses, believing they will let whatever is killing people in. Josh and Jared being idiots decide to threaten to break down the door and let’s just say that this guy is armed and doesn’t like threats as the two teens are gunned down.

The voice then gives them to the count of 3 to get off their porch and while worrying over the dead bodies, we see close ups of Alma’s, Elliot’s, and Jess’ reaction to the deaths which kind of look rather silly (both the close-ups and the faces).

But then they move on since this is a losing battle. They have to chase Jess who tries to run away for no reason other than pure sadness and they console her over what happened.

Meanwhile, we get newscast talking about how no new people have crossed over the borders of the attack for several hours as they believe those still there are trying to wait it out. Of course, we get random picks that can be seen as funny for all the wrong reasons.

Like Two Ladies In Petersburg, West Virginia, Who Are Knitting In Gas Masks.

Of course, we also see others that try to say how big a scale the terror is.

Like This Family Watching The News In Jacksonville, Florida

Although All Of Them In A Bathtub & This One Ladies’ Wide Eyes Both Do Elicit A Chuckle

Meanwhile, news is also saying the government may be involved…

So We Got To Survivalists In Fairfield, Nebraska

Elliot, Alma, and Jess head to a stone house where they meet Mrs. Jones.

Mrs. Jones is a shut-in who grows her own food and has no communication with the outside world. She is not happy that these people are here, but she does say that she supposes that she should let them in for food and shelter for the night.

We then get a very awkward dinner scene where we notice that Mrs. Jones is very strict and slaps Jess’ hand when she goes for some bread because she didn’t ask for it.

She also reveals that there is a spring house in the back, which was used to hide runaway slaves from captors. Basically this is part of the Underground Railroad I guess. Also she mentions that there is a pipe that they use to talk to the slaves from this house.

They try to explain what is going on, but Mrs. Jones doesn’t want to hear it. She says since the outside world doesn’t care about her, she doesn’t care about what is going on with the outside world.

That night, Alma talks to Elliot about how unhinged Mrs. Jones seems to be. Elliot says to protect them, they must stay in the house so they will just have to deal with her. They hear a creak and Elliot decides to investigate. He looks outside the room and it is Mrs. Jones.

And here comes the dialogue that everyone who has heard of (maybe even repeated because of how bad both people are doing this scene).

Mrs. Jones: I hear you whispering. Planning on stealing something?
Elliot: No, ma’am, we’re not.
Mrs. Jones: Planning on murdering me in my sleep?
Elliot: What? No!

And Mrs. Jones just walks off. Yep, that scene just happened and then ended.

The next morning, Elliot wants to talk to Mrs. Jones. He tries to talk to her with no response so he enters her room and finds a very strange doll on the bed.

I Wonder Why That Is There. Too Bad It Will Never Be Explained.

Suddenly, Mrs. Jones comes up from behind, accusing Elliot of trying to steal her things. Elliot denies this wrong accusation, but Mrs. Jones says they all will leave right now. Elliot tries to explain what is going on outside the property, but she isn’t having it. I would like to show you all these faces Mrs. Jones makes.

Mrs. Jones walks off after yelling for him to leave now. I also have to show Mark Wahlberg’s reaction to all of this.

What The Hell Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Elliot chases after her and tries to explain things as she heads to the backyard, but uh-oh…

The Plants Have Attacked Her!!!

Elliot realizes this and runs into the house, while boarding up the door. He looks for Alma and Jess when suddenly he hears thuds through the walls. Suddenly, Mrs. Jones busts her head through the window.

Problem with her banging her head against the house, causing stuff to move. As you may have noticed if you are watching the film, the house is made out of stone so her banging her head against the walls, shouldn’t cause a damn thing inside to move.

Anyway, Mrs. Jones starts doing this to the other windows as Elliot decides to barricade himself in the basement. He hears Alma and Jess playing and investigates. He realizes through seeing that the voices are coming from the pipe, which means they are at the spring house. He talks to them through the pipe. He tells them that Mrs. Jones has died and to close all doors and windows. Alma and Jess do just that and because of this, they are both just trapped in their separate places, only being able to talk to each other through a pipe.

Elliot apologizes for putting them in this situation and when she asks if it is too dangerous to go outside, Elliot says yes. Alma says this is probably the end and she wishes he were here, which Elliot agrees with. As the wind goes strong outside, Elliot talks to Alma about their first date. After a long boring conversation, they all resolve that if they are going to die here, then they are going to die together. All three leave their places and walk to the center to meet each other outside as the wind blows on them.

We Also Find Out We Are At Arundel County At 9:58 AM

Then suddenly the wind stops and none of them have any urges to kill themselves. There is no explanation of this other than the event must have ended before they went out there.

Three months later…

Stop It, Movie!!!

We see that Elliot and Alma have adopted Jess as their daughter and are adjusting to a new life. On television, an expert is comparing this attack to the red tide and warns that this may just been a warning because humans have become a threat to this planet. He explains the threat is why the plants have responded aggressively. Alma discovers that she is pregnant and she and Elliot embrace.

In Tuileries Gardens at the Louvre Palace in Paris, France, two guys are talking about going to a party, but one of them should drop his bike off at the apartment before going and wouldn’t you know it, the wind has picked up.

The one of them talking about his bike repeats that he should drop his bike off and the other doesn’t understand. The other one looks around and people are stopping and walking backward. Yep….it’s happening again!


Well, as you all know this movie was a complete bomb and it was considered dumb by almost everyone. Of course before the first reviews, M. Night Shyamalan said this was a B movie and that was all it was. And despite it being dumb by most people, people kind of enjoy it in that way. Although Mark Wahlberg would feel differently saying Amy Adams (who was considered for Alma before Zooey Deschanel got the role) dodged a bullet as the film is terrible. While nominated for several Razzies, it didn’t win a single one. Empire Magazine named it one of the 50 worst movies of all time and it finished first in an SFX magazine poll of “50 Worst Sci-Fi & Fantasy Movies That Had No Excuse”.

Now as for aftermath, I mentioned that this was still during the fall of M. Night Shyamalan as his slide would continue with the extremely reprehensible The Last Airbender and his attempt to just at the Night Chronicles, a series of films he was planning on producing and writing, while other people would direct as The Night Chronicles ended after the first film was the disastrous Devil, about people stuck on an elevator and one of them is the devil. Mark Wahlberg did have a terrible 2008 as he also starred in the really bad Max Payne movie, however his career as a leading man is still very much alive. Zooey Deschanel right now stars on a TV series The New Girl. John Leguizamo is still raking in cash from the Ice Age franchise as well as being in independent films and small parts in big budget films like John Wick.

Overall, I find this film to be incredibly stupid and my enjoyment is sort of 50/50. While I can be laughing at some of the dialogue and find good scenes in it, the geographical and scientific errors of this film that tries to preach to us just pisses me off. M. Night might try to say this is a B movie, but my belief is he only believed that after he saw the final product and knew what would happen. This film is a B movie is by pure accident. The look of people’s faces completely take me out of this film. However, if you are looking for films that are unintentionally funny, watch this film, but ignore the environmental crap the try to shove out. Robert Bailey Jr. (who played Jared) a year later would be the voice of Wybie in the good animated film Coraline. Jeremy Strong (who played Private Auster) has gone on to play Lee Harvey Oswald in the film Parkland.

Surprisingly and sadly, there have been a few people who passed away after this film and neither were from old age. Curtis McClaren (who played one of the construction workers who was telling the joke) passed away in March of this year of a brain aneurysm. James Breen (who was the voice of that guy in the boarded up house that told them to leave) died a few days before the film came out of cancer so this was definitely his last film.

So with that done, I want to wish you all the happiest of Chanukah, the merriest of Christmases, the happiest of Kwanzas and the happiest of other holidays around this time as well as a Happy New Year where all January, I will do my list of the Best and Worst films of 2014 that I saw as well as deciding the 2014 GINO Award winner.