Thursday, September 24, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Frankenfish (2004)

Monster Crap Inductee: Frankenfish
Monster Crap Goes Fishing

As I begin this induction, I have to say this. I have not seen a bad Frankenstein movie yet. The idea of the morale of never reawakening the dead is extremely an important lesson. Also, I love the idea of something dangerous living in the water. But when you try combining two things that are great like dangerous fish and Frankenstein, you are normally given an extreme helping of Monster Crap.

Such is the case with induction #9…..Frankenfish.

First, before I review this movie…..I want to talk about the choice of fish they chose for Frankenfish. The people of this movie have a huge number of dangerous fish in the world to choose from.
They could have chosen a shark, a species of fish that will normally scare the crap out of most people if they ever encountered them. It worked for Jaws and there are definitely shark watching posts for that reason, but they didn’t.

I Believe They Haven't Used Every Shark That Can Kill. Oh Wait, I Am Being Told They Have Now

They could have chosen a piranha, a really bad fish to screw around with especially if you are bleeding. They have been known clean dead bodies bone dry. But the filmmaker chose not to use them.
Oh Wait, Killer Piranhas Have Been Done To Death
They could have chosen a piranha, a really bad fish to screw around with especially if you are bleeding. They have been known clean dead bodies bone dry. But the filmmaker chose not to use them.

They could have chosen stingrays. Sure they don’t bite, but as the late Steve Irwin knows all to well, they can kill you. But they didn’t use stingrays either.
On Second Thought, Let's Not Use Them. They Get Enough Crap As It Is With The Crocodile Hunter Being Killed By One. Having Them As A Terror To The Water Would Just Be Piling On.

They could have chosen a number of fish who are poisonous like Stonefish, but they didn’t.

Plus Let's Be Honest, They Are Ugly As Hell

Instead, the filmmakers decided to use a fish that they believe is more threatening…..

The Asian Snakehead

The reason they chose this fish is easy. This fish is dangerous…….to the ecosystem. That’s right. These fish are not dangerous to human beings….they just don’t belong in American waters. Plus, there had already been a crappy movie called Snakehead Terror already done about the snakehead.
This Movie Is Horrible As Well, But I May Get To That One In Several Years

So the people who made this film were not breaking new ground. If they wanted to do that, they could have chosen a fish that not only bites, but scratches like hell as well……we call it a catfish. Yes, I’m saying it. In my personal opinion, a catfish is more dangerous than a snakehead.

Just Look At Those Bastards

The only people who are threatened by a snakehead are those crappy environmentalists, the same people who probably think garbage is more dangerous than a killer in a hockey mask.

Not to get off this rant. Let me start reviewing this movie.
In the beginning, we get some crappy southern music playing to the background of some dope fishing. The reason I say this man is a dope because he is too cheap to use an anchor, but instead uses a cinder block. This dope meets his doom early in the movie as tries to get one of his cages; not having the brains to realize that something is playing big and dangerous is playing with his cage I say this because the stupid bobber that was holding the cage up was moving and was going underwater. A bobber does not go underwater unless something is grabbing it and since this was a huge bobber, something huge had caught onto it. I think most people who have common sense would not put their hand in the water to try and grab it. This dope does however and meets his death.

Next we see a bunch of forensic detectives looking at a body of a woman who was killed, then given drenched in chicken blood for the fish that kills people. Post mortem wounds indicate that she was chewed on after dying. Hmm…..I would conjecture that something in the water eats people and we should probably be on the lookout for him

We then meet our hero, a brother named Sam Rivers who is played by Tory Kittles. Tory Kittles can be known as the black man who is definitely acting like a white man in the movie Malibu’s Most Wanted, a movie about a white man acting like he is from the ghetto. Basically, not someone I would want in a horror movie. They should have tried to get Tony Todd instead. That man just creeps me out period.
Even When That Guy Smiles, He Creeps Me Out

So the asskisser to the boss is given a lesser mission of finding the dope who got chewed up by the fish. So Sam Rivers calls in a biologist by the name of Mary Callahan (played by China Chow).China Chow is famous for being the daughter of a famous 80s fashion icon Tina Chow and restraunteer Michael Chow. She also is famous for doing the voice of the bondage chick in GTA: San Andreas, but that was after this movie was done.

They think it could’ve been a bull shark. Now why didn’t they use a bull shark? They also find the remains of an alligator head. China Chow obviously doesn’t like the weather so she takes off her shirt so she can show off her small bikini top. Guess the director knew this movie was gonna suck so he decided to show some skin from his female lead.

They meet a redneck who caught a giant catfish. Again, why didn’t they use this? This redneck leads them to the place where the dead dope lived. They meet his wife and daughter and the wife gets offended that the cops only sent two people to investigate the dope’s death. These southern swamp folks seem to live in fear of something in the water. This wife also happens to be a mystic who is keeping this dangerous creature away. She is leaving and she warns everyone who lives there that the creature will attack once she leaves.

They tell the story of a hurricane which brought a strange boat and that evil fish over. The clumsy biologist accidentally knocks over the redneck. The redneck then is killed by the giant fish. We are then forced to watch several minutes of people talking over a dinner table the likes of which have never been seen since Soul Food. We also meet the whacked out mother’s daughter and her rich lawyer boyfriend….who might I say is a complete ass
Wow, The Mystic's Daughter Is Hot As Hell

The magic that supposedly protects the island doesn’t last long as Frankenfish attacks the small commute.
Frankenfish Doesn't Believe In Magic

The attack leads several people dead, but the dead dope’s even dopier friend kills the fish so the movie is over….or is it. Just when you think the pain is gone, another Frankenfish comes out and kills the friend. Eye for an Eye, tooth for a tooth in this film

Sadly, Really Horrible CGI Is Used

The dopey friend’s boat catches on fire causing the supposed female lead to get shot in the head by a misfiring shotgun….ouch.

Okay, This Scene Is Awesome.

The daughter of the crazy mother gets also blown out of the boat, but the women still survives and without a scratch. To save her daughter from the fish as she is in the water, the whacked out mother sacrifices herself for the fish to save her daughter.
The strange boat that the investigators find early on leads to the male lead and several survivors of the attack on the small neighborhood are met by a group of evil smugglers led by their client, a hunter of genetically altered fish. The fish attacks again and kills some more people. The hunter grabs his boat and takes the survivors with him. The hunter still goes after the fish and uses Sam as bait. The plan backfires as the hunter is killed by the fish. The three survivors escape using the dead hunter’s boat with Frankenfish trailing behind. The white asshole gets left behind after falling off the boat, but isn’t killed. The end comes when the male lead and the daughter open the back fan and jump off the boat, allowing Frankenfish to get cut up into tiny pieces. The male lead gets the daughter of the dead mystic. But that isn’t the end of the movie, we see the white asshole that was left behind does die. However, he is killed by the babies of Frankenfish.
With morons who deserve to die and the ever crappy fact that environmentalists make bad monster movies, Frankenfish gets inducted to annals of Monster Crap.
Maybe someday, Jason will decide to take out the Sierra Club for me

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