Saturday, February 27, 2016

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Gyaos (1967)

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Gyaos
The Monster Full Of Turtle Meat Goes Batty


Well, it is once again time to go back to the insanity that was the Gamera films in the Showa Era as we look at Gamera vs. Gyaos, which you may have seen the Sandy Frank version thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Hoping The MST3K Revival Series Will Be Just As Good

But as a huge surprise for you, we will not be doing that version of the film. Instead, we will be watching the Japanese cut of the film thanks to the Gamera Legacy Collection I have that has every Gamera film in existence (except Gamera the Brave).

But before we begin, let’s talk about CGI again as I have heard a lot of times the defenders of CGI ask me if I would rather see people in costumes as if that was an insult. To those people, I would like to ask one thing.

On Sesame Street, would you rather see Big Bird as he is or do you seriously want that yellow icon to be CGI?

What’s that? You would rather keep Big Bird as he is? Well, that’s how I feel when I see these practical effect characters being put into extremely crappy CGI. Look, if the CGI is top notch that does feel aged like the Jurassic Park stuff, then fine. But otherwise, it’s going to age and eventually it is going to look like shit.

But enough about me harping again on Practical Effects vs. CGI, let’s get to talking about this Gamera movie that features the first time Gamera takes on the villain that would eventually become Gamera’s main rival.

We begin with the eruption of an undersea volcano.

Via News Reel

People from the press head to the Earthquake center to ask for data. In a news conference, scientists announce that the Fuji volcanic range has become active so it may be possible that dormant volcanoes may erupt. Press reporters hope that Mt. Fuji doesn’t erupt So Mt. Fuji then erupts.

Nice Fireworks

People of a small village start to evacuate.

While Others Just Stand Around And Hope Nothing Happens

Gamera then appears much to the delight of the kid, Eichi.

And we also get the title.

During the credits, we see Gamera is just there to get his fire fix from the volcano.

Gamera is so addicted to it that he dives right into the volcano.

The next day, the press talks about the volcano eruption and a research team is leaving on a helicopter to see what happened to Gamera since Gamera did jump head first into a volcano.

So we then head to a construction site.

The helicopter arrives there and the foremen heads out to greet them, which means he misses a call from corporate. Apparently the company is called Road Corporation and they gave out bonds promising to finish their highway in the same year so they need to finish it on time. We also learn that the road is almost finished, but there is one part where people just refuse to move. And after the meeting, the foreman does get through to the boss and the boss wants them to continue work despite the villagers being pains in the ass and the researchers wanting them to halt until they learn more about the volcano.

Yeah, It Is The Same Guy Who Starred In Gamera vs. Barugon.

So the foremen tells his two bumbling assistants that work needs to start again. Meanwhile, the research helicopter gets to the volcano and they notice a glow coming from a hole.

Then beams come out from the hole.

The beams hit the helicopter and split it into two, killing the research party.

This causes emergencies from the Aviation Investigation HQ. The press wants to learn about this situation and they learn that they have already basically said neither Gamera nor the volcano could be responsible. They also learn that there will be zoologists to talk. One reporter decides he can’t wait that long for the zoologists to talk so he decide to do some private investigation of his own.

The two bumbling assistants come and see signs that say down with the expressways that are obviously built by the villagers.

The signs are blocking the path to their work so they try to remove them, but they get ambushed by villagers with signs.

The foreman comes to try and calms things down, but they are ultimately calmed down by Sumiko, who is the sister of the kid that was happy to see Gamera earlier.

I Remember You From Gamera vs. Zigra.

She is also the granddaughter of the village leader and just says that they should come at another time. The reporter sneaks by to take pictures, which they say is Mt. Futago when originally it talked about the eruption being with Mt. Fuj. Make up your damn mind on which mountain erupted, movie.

We then meet with the grandfather and village leader.

We then learn that this whole villagers causing issues isn’t about them not wanting move, this is all about freaking money. They specifically say they want to get rich since they are poor. Sumiko goes home after hearing this and talks to the grandmother about the expressway being helpful to the village so she doesn’t understand why they won’t allow this to happen. The grandmother says that selling land just isn’t that simple. Of course, Eichi (the little kid) has gone out.

The workers go to their workplace and find the place trashed.

The foreman (named Shiro) says that while this crap may continue, they need to continue with the work. The assistants notice the glow and they are concerned, but because they think it may be a gold vein, they decide to go check it out. Meanwhile, the reporter surveys the place and he runs into Eichi.

Um…I Think That Child May Need An Adult…An Adult Who Does Not Look Like They Will Be Molesting Him

The reporter lies and says that he is a hiker, but the kid knows he is a reporter. The kid says he’d be a traitor if he took the reporter to the mountain, but he agrees to be a traitor because the reporter thinks that there may be a scoop involved. They notice the strange glow coming from the cave so they investigate.

Oh Hi, Bat On A String

An earthquake happens that may cause a cave-in and the reporter decides to leave the kid behind, even though the kid asks for his help. The reporter’s cowardice is rewarded as he is grabbed and killed by a bat-like monster.

Leaving Kids Behind In Caves…Even The Monster Is Looking At You Like “Really? You Deserve To Die.”

One of the assistants thinks they have heard something, but everyone else says that they heard nothing. Eichi then is able to get out of the cave. The kid is then immediately attacked by the bat creature with the funny head.

The creature tries to eat the kid, but Gamera comes to save the day.

Oh Yeah!!!

The workers also see all of this as the bat-like creature still tries to grab the kid.

Obviously, These Workers Are Watching A Screen

The bat-like creature shoots out his rays and they do cause Gamera to bleed.


Yes, this is the first film where we see Gamera bleed. And just so you know this, they give you an unnecessary close-up.

Obviously, this hurts like a mother fucker so Gamera hides in his shell and uses the shell as a weapon.

Gamera saves the kid.

Gamera breathes fire and this wards off the bat-like monster.

Gamera then puts Eichi on his back and gives him a ride home, Gamera style.

The workers tell the villagers that Eichi is on Gamera’s back and for the first time, the villagers don’t try to attack the workers. Gamera heads to the amusement park and lays there in an attempt to let Eichi get off his back. Shiro goes up the Ferris Wheel and he is able to get Eichi safely down. They all leave and Gamera flies away. The reporters are also there and of course they would love to know the story. Now we go to Countermeasures HQ.

Here we first hear the bat-like monster being called Gyaos by the kid because of the noise he makes and because the freaking kid is persistent, everyone else just calls him Gyaos too. When asking about the rays Gyaos spits out that can cut Gamera’s arm like a knife, Dr. Aoki reveals supersonic waves being sent over a forked oscillator can cut through metal with ease, but still can’t be seen very well because we still don’t have enough power levels. He believes Gyaos has two spines and its throat is forked.

SCIENCE!!!! (Also Congrats To This Actor For Being In All Three Of These Early Gamera Films)

Honestly, this does sound scientifically possible and if it isn’t, this movie does make a good job making this possible in its universe, which is something I criticize most movies for not seeming to be able to do in its own universe. There are a lot to rip about these Gamera movies as far as continuity goes and you will see those problems later, but I will hand it to this movie for putting forth the effort to make what Gyaos does seem legit and not BS itself at the same time.

Of course, we also learn that Gyaos because of this cannot turn its head to the side because doing that with two spines on one neck….not really something you can do. So of course, we have the great idea of attacking Gyaos from behind. Then they explain the green light which is explained as being a sign of hunger or anger. Yeah, they don’t go deep into why that is unlike the freaking supersonic beams that can cut like a knife. Oh and for the answer of how it can come out now after living after living thousands of years ago, well that one is just plain easy. He says it is the volcano eruptions that have awakened him

Dr. Aoki also as a zoologist tells the military that they need to kill this monster before it moves on so yes, this scientist isn’t your usual “keep it alive because it may be the last of the species and we as scientists must research it” and instead is a “kill the bastard before it kills more people”. Seriously, it is so funny to see this where the scientist is begging the military to kill this monster and the military guy is like “Well, if we have to…” instead of being jubilant about this idea like most movies portray the military guys.

Suddenly, they see that the cavern in the volcano is emitting light and they send jets to kill the creature. This does not end well for the jets because they all get killed by the beams.

They Said Attack From The Back, Not Above The Creature…You Numbskulls!

The kid wishes Gamera was here and says Gamera is probably underwater healing his wound. And then yells to Gamera to heal up soon, as if Gamera can freaking hear him.

Or Maybe Gamera Can…

That night, Eichi wakes up from his sleep at night and sees a lot of light being emitted from that mountain. He wants to see it happening, but the rest of the family tells him to go to sleep. Of course, we do not see what Gyaos does, but we do see the carnage.

And The Two Bumbling Assistants Investigating It.

The names of these two….they never say. I’m serious that they never say so just for the sake of this review, I’ll calling them Fat Assistant and Skinny Assistant. To be fair, these guys are really looking for milk from the town that is against them and of course, the milk guy refuses to give them any because Gyaos chased all the cows away, although he does think the road crew did cause Gyaos to come and he says many of the villagers do as well. After that, we get to see Eichi try to play with a fake gun and a police car.

You’ll Never Take Me Alive, Coppers!

Eichi’s grandfather is in a meeting with the villagers and as village leader, he says they should fight to get more money despite Gyaos causing havoc on the village because if they quit now, the road company will offer them less money than what they originally offer.

Back at the road development station, Shiro hears on the radio that there is no direct strategy on how to defeat Gyaos. Most of the workers want to leave to head home since work has stopped and they are afraid of Gyaos and Shiro is okay with this. , but tells them to come back when work starts again. In fact, he even tells his two assistants that they can go home as well, but that he has to stay because someone has to be here when the company comes up. The two assistants also decide to stay because they won’t leave their boss all alone. The two even say they aren’t afraid of Gyaos, but are immediately startled by noise coming from the bushes, but of course it is Eichi. Eichi tells them that he isn’t scared because Gyaos doesn’t come out at the day time?


My thoughts exactly, Steve. Now I’m going to get this out of the way now because for some silly reason, this whole daylight thing comes into play later on in the film, but I’m just curious: Did this movie not watch the first Gyaos appearance?

This Still Counts As Daylight

Yes, the rest of this movie will be having Gyaos attack at night, but that first fight was daylight. Yeah, the sun was setting and it turned into night a few minutes later, but Gyaos certainly at that first fight had no problem coming out when it wasn’t dark out. You cannot introduce this idea of Gyaos being a night owl when you already threw that idea away in his first appearance. Oh and that first appearance, Gyaos left when it was night.

Oh and they take this information to the heads of the effort to stop him and they talk about how they only need to be careful at night.

Yeah, Those Planes Also Got Destroyed In Daylight So You Have To Be Careful At Daylight Too.

Now, I know Gyaos never popped out of the caverns and shot beams from inside at those planes, but that who garbage about needing to be careful at night, it’s just that. How about getting some guys at daylight to surround the whole and set off some dynamite to either cave in Gyaos or force Gyaos into daylight? Well, you can throw that idea out the window because…well, the movie just doesn’t want to do that. But they will tell people to turn on their brights at night and have something that makes things brighter than the full moon.

Doesn’t Work…

So despite this failing, the military decides that they are going to have tanks fire at Gyaos’ front.

Stop Attacking Gyaos From The Front! You Said Less Than 10 Minutes Ago To Attack Him From Behind! I’m Starting To Wonder If Any Of You Heard Any Of The Ideas That You Yourselves Had!

Of course, this fails because since Gyaos has freaking wings, he can basically cause wind to blow away the tanks.

Yes Dumbasses…Gyaos Doesn’t Even Think You Are Worth Him Shooting Out His Rays.

Gyaos decides to leave this area and attacks Nagoya.

Gamera then destroys one of those high rise buildings that are always destroyed in monster buildings.

Gyaos then attacks a train and eats people coming off the train.

The military then tells everyone to put their lights on because Gyaos hates light. Also, they have to gather at the baseball stadium because that has the most lights. Of course, Gyaos passes by a few times and then leaves. The radio says Gyaos has flown to the northeast and its whereabouts are unknown. Of course Gyaos returns to the city.

Reporters who are nearby in a cab take pictures and this pisses Gyaos off.

No Pictures, Dammit!

This results of course in comedy as Gyaos shoots a ray that splits the cab in half resulting in all the crew having to drive in half a cab.

Logic Of Driving Half A Car Be Damned, This Movie Is Freaking Going To Go With This Joke.

Gamera finally shows up and we get our second battle.

In an air battle, Gyaos reveals his most diabolical weapon.

Yellow Vapors Coming From His Lower Body

Now other people are going to say this cannot be possible for me to do, but I am going to make this joke anywhere. Gyaos is pissing on Gamera. And this weapon works because it takes out Gamera’s jets that come from his shell.

That Diabolical Bastard. Using Piss As A Weapon

Gamera falls into the water, which knocks some people who were on a nearby boat over. As Gyaos goes to continue, Gamera bits Gyaos on the foot.

Sunlight starts arriving and this causes Gyaos forehead to glow red.

Gyaos hates this and is so desperate to get away that Gyaos uses his beams to cut off his twos that are in Gamera’s mouth.

Gamera Must Have Been Coyote Ugly

No, Not That Damn Movie!

Gyaos leaves and heads back to his cavern. Gamera also leaves too. The next day, workers find the piece of Gyaos’ foot that Gyaos cut off.

They go to tell the authorities, but when they come back, they notice the part got smaller. Upon examination at a lab, they learn what happens to Gyaos if exposed to too much sunlight, which is it shrinks (which they try to say is eating the flesh). Meanwhile, Gyaos is back in his caverns and immediately, he regenerates the part of its foot that it had to cut off.

It also hurts and Gyaos reacts by stomping his other foot in pain, but also does the stupid thing of knocking a stalactite on it.

Gyaos Is Closing His Eyes And Internally Cursing Himself For Doing Something So Stupid That Would Cause Tremendous Pain

We then get more planning about how to defeat Gyaos. The plan now is to get Gyaos so dizzy that he is unable to get back to his caverns before the sun kills him. How do they do this? Shenanigans aka using a fake blood fountain to lure him on to a spinning platform that keeps Gyaos dizzy.

Oh, but before that…some of the villagers try to sell off their land now, but Shiro tells them that since work has stopped, there may be some changes, but he’ll try the best he can to make sure the changes won’t screw the town over. Of course as those villagers leave, they get scolded by the village leader for giving up now and tells them that he will handle this. He also calls BS to the changes as he thinks it is just a negotiating tactic, despite the idea of work has stopped and a giant freaking monster attack may cause for a change in plans.

So now for nightfall and let’s see this silly plan to defeat Gyaos go into effect.

What Is This?

I Really Don’t Know What To Say About This Plan That Does Not Involve Me Rolling On The Floor And Laughing My Ass Off

Well, this actually seems to be working as Gyaos is dizzy and it is only one minute till sunlight so maybe they have won…oh wait, there is 20 minutes left in this movie.

Well, That Is Unfortunate

Gyaos in his daze after the machine stops, knocks it over. He then leaves and the plan has been foiled. Alas, a plan that almost successful, but sadly it was in the end, too wacky to succeed.

I Can’t Forget As Final Insult, Gyaos Pisses On It.

The kid only wishes Gamera would have come. The next day, the town is up in arms because guess what, the road company decided to go with those freaking changes after all. As the townspeople yell at the old man, Eichi yells at them all for being greedy and throws stuff at them before being calmed down by his sister. As he leaves, the sister tries to assure the townspeople that her grandfather was just trying to do what was best for them.

Excuse me for a minute. If the old man that they call the village elder was really trying to do the best he could and get them the most money, he would have sold the freaking land immediately when that stupid ass monster first appeared and not given the road company a second thought to change their plans. This bastard yelled at those guys who wanted to sell their land for going rogue just a day ago because he “knew what was best” when the monster had been causing havoc. And he also heard about the rumors of plans changing and still thought they had the leverage. I’m sorry, but after all this old geezer has done and insulted the others, he deserves to get what is coming to him for being so fucking stupid and cocky.

As the old man picks up the toys that Eichi was throwing, he sees Eichi wishing Gamera would come to defeat Gyaos so they can sell the land and not be mean to grandpa anymore. He also mentions that Gamera likes fire and Gyaos doesn’t. The old man gets an idea and tells the guys to start a forest fire in the mountain to get Gamera to defeat Gyaos. When told this will lose the town money in their negotiations, the old man says it is fine as he now believes Gyaos was the town’s punishment for being greedy. But hey, at least the old man said it was his grandson who gave him the idea.

So the forest fire idea starts at night to lure out Gyaos who hates fire and uses his pissing vapors to put out the fire.

After they restart the fires, Gyaos tries to use his pissing power again, Gamera shows up.

No, Gyaos…That Is My Fire!!

So of course the battle between these two monsters begins, with Gamera doing what should have been done a while ago and attacking Gyaos from behind since he can’t turn his head fast enough to see it. Gyaos tries to fly to create separation, but Gamera grabs him by his legs. Gamera also starts sinking his teeth into Gyaos’ wings because while Gamera may have rockets to fly, Gyaos just has his wings. Gyaos escapes with some small flesh missing and blasts Gamera’s tail to force the monster full of turtle meat into his shell. Gyaos grabs the shell and tosses it to the ground from a high altitude. 

Gyaos does this same thing to more times and when Gamera attempts to come out of his shell, Gyaos blasts him. Gamera’s answer…well, I’ll let Killer Croc answer this one.

He Threw A Rock At Him.

But unlike Killer Croc’s pathetic attempt to kill Batman, Gamera’s throw actually jams into Gyaos’ mouth, forcing the winged monster not to be able to fire his beams. By the time Gyaos gets the rock out of his mouth, Gamera rockets with his shell to trip him. Gamera then bites Gyaos in the neck.

This seems to be pretty effective and Gyaos is bleeding a lot of purple blood. Then the sun starts to come up.

This of course causes Gyaos to go crazy since sunlight is bad for him, but Gamera’s neck hold has caused Gyaos to basically be unable to really move at all.

Eichi Says "Hell Ya".....Excuse Me?

Eichi, you are a kid and I don’t know where you come from, but in my area…that kind of language would get you a swipe from your parents (or your grandfather or sister in this case). So if I was you, you little imp…I would watch my freaking language while around adults. Seriously, when they get home, you are so in trouble, mister.

Gamera forces Gyaos to the volcano and drags the winged creature into the volcano so Gyaos dies as he shoots one last beam.

The old man is told that the work will restart tomorrow and he gloats to the others about how he handled it, basically saying they should have never doubted him.

That’s All Well And Good Now…But When That Check Comes Back For Less Than What Was Originally Offered, Those Fellow Villagers Won’t Be So Happy Since They Lost A Lot Of Their Stuff Over This Whole Ordeal And I Think Grandpa Here Might Have A Few More Problems On His Hand Plus Eichi Will Eventually Run Out Of Toys To Throw At Them. Yeah, This Family Is Fucked.

Seriously, if this was Canada from South Park, that family would basically be sent out to sea in the ice berg all the while we would hear how “They are not their friend/buddy/guy, friend/buddy/guy”.

Grandpa, Grandmother, Sumiko, and Eichi In A Month

Anyway, we end the movie with Eichi thanking Gamera for all the help and the adults finally being happy that this nightmare is over, although at the end…we do get a highlight reel from both Gamera, Gamera vs. Barugon, and the film we just watched, but no Gamera theme song as everyone would know because that theme song had not been made yet.

Gamera would be in five more Gamera films in the Showa Era (one of which we already covered) before being ended. However, in the Heisei Era, Gamera would be brought back and the monster that he would be against would be Gyaos. Because of Gyaos being the only Gamera villain to be in multiple films as the villain, that flying creature is well known as Gamera’s arch-nemesis. Also Gyaos will be Gamera’s enemy in a new Gamera movie that is being made to coincide with Gamera’s 50th anniversary.

So my opinion of this film is that Gamera vs. Gyaos isn’t that bad. Heck, even the inferior American version isn’t that bad. While this did start the trend of the little kid being prominent in the Gamera films (with Gamera saving them from the monster), it wasn’t as bad as it would become afterwards. Honestly, looking at Gyaos, you can see why he would be Gamera’s archrival as he was his equal in the flying department and was weak to everything Gamera was strong to while having ways to hurt the turtle equally. Unfortunately, the next two films in this series (when we get to them) really suck.

Now that we got that film out of the way, it is time to get to the next induction that of course tied with this film. Now I haven’t looked at what the film is right now, but apparently it has something to do with a Kong…or at least, that is what NegaSeth told me before he left so could it be that terrible 1970s King Kong remake? Could it be one of the many King Kong ripoffs? What could it be?

What The…Oh Yeah, The Director’s Name Is Jackie Kong