Monday, September 28, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Space Mutiny (1988)

Monster Crap Inductee: Space Mutiny
Dear God…..My Skull!!!!

Space....The Final Frontier
-Captain James T. Kirk

Trekkies will always remember that phrase and in reality, that statement is true. No matter what we do….we will always know that space will be our final frontier. There is just too much of it out there and no matter what we do, we will never find the boundaries to our universe. And like I said in my last induction, we will always have movies that exploit this mystery. And once again, we look back at one of the worst to do this. And because I don’t have much else to say at this point, let’s begin this induction now.
We begin this crappy movie with crappy opening credits as if someone finally learned how to use Power Point.

After those credits, we see a crappy ship being narrated by, well someone since they never say. Anyways, we are in outer space on a ship called the southern Sun, home to thousands of migrants since the earth is over populated.

Geez, I guess environmentalists finally won. This space ship is trying to get to a new and uncolonized world. While most are cool and calm, some have become restless and impatient.

One of them Flight Commander Elijah Kalgan, who looks like a guy you would not want to go near at anytime. He is escorted by his bodyguard, who doesn’t have a name and yet wears a red suit of armor as if he were a lobster after being broiled at Red Lobster.

They two are setting C-4 mines in some maintenance room, planning to blow things up. Most of the crew is in the bridge receiving word that a ship carrying females known as Bellerians has been rescued and will be coming on board. We then see women in very skimpy outfits, but not in the attractive way. Instead, it is in the way that you are just waiting for some effeminate fashion designer to tear her to shreds over her outfit. One of those people in bad clothing is Commander Alex Jansen’s daughter, Lea Jansen.

She also is commented on her looks by Captain Scott Devers, who looks like Sting.

The Singer, Not The Wrestler

Lea is there to ask if a Professor Spooner is aboard. The pilot says yes over the radio and is about to land when they are attacked by a group of space pirates. Now I’m sure some of you science fiction fans may be asking yourself if you have seen these battle scenes before. You would be correct. In fact, the filmmakers were too lazy to make an actual fighting scene that they ripped off battle scenes from Battlestar Galactica (the original version, not the newer version) In fact; all of footage you see of outer space was ripped off from Battlestar Galactica. Anyways, in this battle scene, one of the ships (known as Red 3) was shot down and the other pilot, as if he doesn’t have a sympathetic bone in his body, just calmly says that Red 3 was shot down.

Meanwhile, back in the maintenance room, Kalgan and his bodyguard are walking around, looking for another place to set a C-4. A crewmember sees Kalgan about to place another C-4, but can’t stop him as he is restrained by the bodyguard and shot by Kalgan himself. Afterwards, they blow up the engine room using the C-4 and a remote detonator. The bomb detonations cause one of the fighter space ships to lose power and it is about to crash. The pilot decides to leave Prof. Spooner in the ship and save his own ass by ejecting. Now unlike normal ejection sequences, this guy basically gets beamed down to a safe location instead of his seat being ejected out of the spaceship like usual planes. Lea tries to still save Professor Spooner, but the pilot sees that the ship is going to blow and takes her away. Back in the maintenance room, Kalgan has an evil laugh while his bodyguard just smiles.

Back in the control room, Commander Jansen is informed that the energizer turbines had been sabotaged. Meanwhile, in another room, Blake….who informs Kalgan that some strange women boarded the ship. In the bridge, Commander Jansen and Captain Devers discuss the situation and believe that whoever sabotaged the turbines knows his way around ships.

They don’t understand however, why someone would do that. Also Commander Jansen asks Captain Devers to send him some information on the Bellerians as he wants to do some research. The space crew in red uniforms, lead by Blake, has the Bellerians stay in some empty room.
Now we see the Bellerians and through this movie, you will see that the Bellerians are the monsters.

While they may look like normal females, beware. They have telepathic powers and do dance moves that are so horrible; you may want to kill yourself after seeing them. Meanwhile, Kalgan is on a space cart, which looks like a polisher cart.

He stops and notices a man in a cane.

He is McPhearson and he is part of the mutiny. They plan on taking over the ship using this recent explosion to keep the crew in the ship. Back on the bridge, we get a whole bunch of technological mumbo jumbo, but basically they need to slow down. In another room, there is an argument over whether to land the ship or keep going.

One of the engineers, Parsons, thinks they can still keep the ship in orbit. McPhearson gets all of the other engineers to gang up on Parsons and McPhearson kills him by impaling him with his cane.

Now that the one who disagreed with them is dead, they all decide with the mutiny and will join the Enforcers, the group of policemen led by Kalgan. Back at the bridge, the pilot of that doomed ship that killed Prof. Spooner, David Ryder, met with Captain Devers who gets him to meet Commander Jansen and they show him video of the crash that he ditched. In another room, the Bellerians are messing with lightning globes that should be at a Spencer’s Gift Store like dancing.

Originally when I watched this movie, I had my suspicions that there were no monsters in this movie. However, I watched it again and I say that the Bellerians are monsters. You see, these Bellerians are alien humanoids. They also have supernatural powers like telepathy and there dance moves may make the average viewer want to burn his eyes off.

These dance moves seem to be giving some of the men on the ships wet dreams, if you know what I mean.

The guy who got the wet dreams tried to go into the room to get lucky, but another officer stopped him, telling him the Bellerians are off limits. What teases these women are. Back on the bridge, David Ryder defends his decision to ditch the professor to die by saying there was nothing he could have done because the ejection system only works for the pilot.

They don’t blame him although Lea Jansen does.

She blames him for the professor’s death even though he keeps proclaiming it wasn’t his fault.

He yells at her and leaves to file his report. Back in the boiler room (hell I don’t know which room it is since they all have pipes) we see an engineer walk to a communication booth.

He uses an audio-video linking device to communicate with Lt. Lamont. This glasses wearing geek named Steve Godell tells the lieutenant that there has been a shortage of explosives on the ship after the explosives, which means someone within the ship blew up the place. Unfortunately, this video link is bugged by the Enforcers and they realize they may have someone in the ship that will ruin their mutiny plans. While Kalgan is watching this, he makes facial expressions that seem like he is trying to hold in a fart.

Steve Godell doesn’t get far when he is surrounded by the enforcers….

Kalgan catches up with Steve and throws him over. We are then experience to the first of man screw-ups in this movie. Kalgan throws him off the catwalk and Steve’s glasses fall off when he hits the ground. Then after a scene where Kalgan is laughing, we go back to Steve’s bodies and his glasses are back on. We go to a greenhouse where Lea is caring for the plants. David then tries to make nice with her and she still gives him the cold shoulder. Then when she tries to be nice, he comes off as a jerk. Seems like the guy has bi-polar symptoms, he might want get that checked out

We then move to a very interesting club in the ship, where the women and men are dancing and some of them are dancing with hula hoops. At this club’s bar, Lea tries to get nice with David by buying him a drink after dancing with a hula hoop and trying show him her butt enough time. Trust me, when you see the sequence, you will laugh your ass off about what she is trying to with this hula hoop. They decide to start again with acquaintances and re-introduce themselves. The two notice that Lt. Lamont (who is also at the club) is told by the Enforcers that she has been arrested. She goes with the two Enforcer agents to see Kalgan as David and Lea follow them for no apparent reason. After a brief conversation, Kalgan shoots Lamont and has his bodyguard drive off in those bad cars. David and Lea appear on the scene and see that Lamont is dead.

They see Kalgan and his bodyguard leaving and they decide to chase them in another one of those cars that looks like a soap box racer. We then are seen to one of the slowest car chases ever. In fact, it would be probably more interesting if there was a car chase at 5 mph because it seems like these people are going at 3 mph.

Meanwhile, back in the bridge, we see another of the many continuity errors in this movie. You remember that Lt. Lamont was killed, right? I ask this because either these film makers didn’t seem to remember or just didn’t have enough money to buy an extra because the actress who played Lt. Lamont is back as an actress, and nothing has been changed about her appearance.

Anyways, Capt. Devers gives Cmdr. Jansen the report on the explosion. It seems that the people who are trying to commit mutiny are trying to get them into the Corina Borealis constellation, where the space pirates live. They think that Kalgan may have something to do with this, but like any international diplomat, they will not accuse him of anything until he is proven to have been part of it.

Now we go back to David and Lea, who have chased the two men into a mortuary room.

They meet the keeper of the place, who shows them around to the bodies who have been frozen although I must say they look like mannequins. The mortuary keeper asks if they want a spot of tea while they are looking at the frozen bodies. The mortuary keeper explains that the frozen bodies are meant for a personal collection of Kalgan, who freezes some of his prisoners who are to be executed if they seem redeemable. They then realize that every one of the Enforcers are corrupt and plan to take over soon. The mortuary keeper confirms her suspicions. Kalgan is back with his bodyguard and two other Enforcer members and they are heading to the mortuary to arrest, and of course, kill David and Lea. Lea wants to rile all the men who are against mutiny against those who are for mutiny, but David said it will be a blood bath. Of course, she also wants radio for help, but David believes that Kalgan already has scramblers to mix up their messages. Afterwards, we see a small shooting scene where David and Lea dispatches of several Enforcers. Problem with this battle scene is the Enforcers seem to have no sense of aiming as it should be pretty easy to kill David and Lea. Afterwards; David causes a fire so he and Lea can escape from Enforcer reinforcements.

In Cmdr. Jansen’s room, he tries to look up the Bellerians and ends up falling asleep. The Bellerians are once again at work and one of them, Jennera warns him through telepathy of the dangers that are ahead. If you notice that she isn’t talking and that you can hear words, you could say that is the telepathy talking. You could also say that it isn’t really her voice at all. Yes folks, they had two people play the role of Jennera. One to do the voice acting and the other for her “good looks” and “dancing”. But I think there is another reason for this. You see, this girl provocatively makes her moves on the old man and there would be some very disturbing problems with that if it was in fact the actress who is doing the voice as well as doing the moves. You see, Cmdr. Jansen is played by Cameron Mitchell, who did a lot of work on Broadway and may be most remembered as Buck Cannon on the TV series The High Chaparral. The voice of Jennera is done by his own daughter, Camille Mitchell. And unlike some men…..

I'm Looking At You, Vince McMahon

he wasn’t all that comfortable with his daughter giving him a lap dance or seeing her in revealing clothing in front of him, not that I blame him one bit as I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that either.

After this dream, Cmdr. Jansen and Capt. Devers decide in a meeting with David, Lea, and some other guy that David will be the new Flight Commander, basically firing Kalgan from that position without him being present.

In a party scene, we see another continuity error. This is one you will have to look for or just take the word of Originally the drinks are red, but basically after a conversation between the three men, the drinks are now clear colored. And no they are not empty. David asks about Lea and Cmdr. Jansen thinks he will find her in her usual place. Plus for you horny men out there, you may notice that one of the girls is almost wearing nothing. At the greenhouse, David and Lea decide to…

Make Whoopee

Interesting way of putting it, Bob Eubanks. I like that. Meanwhile, while these two are having sex. The Bellerians feel in the mood and attempt to get two more Enforcers to have sex with them. They are able to get the two men to try to go all the way. But the women are teases so they make them pass out. The Enforcers catch their own in the room and force them to be frozen. In the mortuary, Kalgan has the two disobedients get beat up by his bodyguard. The boss of the two men is worried about what is going on and Blake tells him that things are going just fine. I must at this point add that Blake is also played by Cameron Mitchell’s son, Chip Mitchell.

In outer space (another scene ripped from Battlestar Galatica) the pirates are telling the crew of the Southern Sun over the radio that they have entered a restricted zone and should either surrender or be blown to bits. The pirates don’t give them much time to think about the ultimatum before firing on the Southern Sun. The Southern Sun basically destroys those pirate ships with ease. Most of the crew then celebrates while Kalgan and the Enforcers are pissed as hell. David then does a speech where he tells the men that it is time to attack the Enforcers and keep their ship. McPhearson overhears this message and of course isn’t too happy.

At the greenhouse, Lea is captured by Kalgan and the Enforcers.

Kalgan then sends a message to Cmdr. Jansen that he has Lea captured and wants him to surrender or she dies. He gives him 12 hours to meet those demands. Of course Kalgan never said that Lea will be returned unharmed, and there is a reason for that. You see, Kalgan is going to use a laser to take out one of her teeth. It works like a drill and basically, she won’t be given Novocain to ease the pain. We go to a stairwell where David is now off to the rescue. He knocks on the door and when it opens, knocks out the guards and takes one of their suits. Back in the torture room, Kalgan looks at Lea and says it is a pity he is going to have to burn off her teeth, but he wants those countermeasures. McPhearson tells Kalgan about the coming resistance and they leave to prepare for them. While gone, she is able to attract the guy who is watching over her with her sexual advances. He of course falls for these tricks and loosens her restrains. She of course knocks him out as David arrives. They both leave, but during this scene we get the final continuity problem. When she is making advances towards the moronic guard, she puts her high heeled shoe on and yet when she leaves the scene, she has on flat boots that clearly could not have come from the guard.

They escape to the boiler room and we sadly notice that the boiler room has a receptionist. I pity the person who got that job. Kalgan would tell him, “Okay, we have a job for you. We need a new receptionist for the boiler room.” Now that would be a good yet weird conversation. They try to get past the guards with their disguises, but the guards want some ID so they kill them. Lea of course goes crazy on her victim and shoots him in the groin after kicking him there. He of course is pissed that the girl escaped because for some reason, he found out. He then has the idiot who let her escape killed. He then puts his whole team on red alert and has them ready for attack.

Back at the bridge, Cmdr. Jansen is relieved that his daughter is safe and thanks David for his help. David reveals that McPhearson is a traitor which shocks Cmdr. Jansen. Capt. Devers says McPhearson knows everything, including their countermeasures. You know, if McPhearson had just told Kalgan he knew them, they wouldn’t need to torture the girl. After this revelation, David goes to attack Kalgan and his men…alone. You know, that would be a problem, but with the guards not being able to aim, it could work. And once again, we are treated with the Bellerians playing with those lightning balls again. And then we see Kalgan, who looks at the screen for some reason, and says
Kalgan: We’re Going In

The battle begins in a different boiler room with lasers shooting everywhere and about 90% of them are complete misses. One of the good guys has a flame thrower, but itis pretty week. This whole scene happens while McPhearson is trying to escape. He enters the engine room and hides out at flammable hiding spot. Back to the battle, the Enforcers are still missing and David is still killing them with ease. Kalgan obvious doesn’t care about his own men because when one of his men catches fire, he kicks him off because he was in the way. David and the guy with the flame thrower (he finally got it working) team up and take out the bodyguard and supposedly Kalgan. The sad part is during this scene, random things are blowing up which should be avoided in a space ship laser fight. The Enforcers decide to quit and surrender. After the battle is basically over, Lea leaves to help David. I think it would be kind of too late to now want to help him after he did all the hard work. Now a laser battle begins between David and McPhearson. Lea joins in the battle and now they both go after him. Once they realize where he is, they basically just fire into the vent and let the fire go towards and burn him to a crisp. You know, if you had done that earlier, you could have saved us the trouble.

After burning the disabled man, David yells at Lea for coming to his aid. Back in the dark room, the Bellerians kind of ruin the surprised by saying now it is time for Kalgan to die, basically spoiling the whole point that Kalgan didn’t die. The next scene shows that yes, Kalgan is still alive and has commandeered one of the carts. Kalgan sees David and Lea getting into another cart and runs right into their cart, knocking Lea off it. Now if you thought the last cart chase scene was awesome, you are going to get it again as Kalgan and David fight one on one with those soap box carts and laser guns. Lea tries to help out, but almost gets herself killed. In the final scene, Kalgan and David decide to play chicken with their carts. Kalgan wins when David gets out of his cart, but also loses because he never got out of his and his cart gets blown up. After beating Kalgan, David decides to flip him off for no apparent reason. He checks on Lea and is relieved to find out that she is only mildly hurt. At the greenhouse, David decides to propose to Lea after making out with her for a minute. After that, they decide to move to another place to make out. This movie ends when we head back to the scene of the crash and realize that Kalgan is still alive.

Of course this means one thing….

They were planning on making a sequel.

This movie ends and I must say it really sucks. Apparently they were too cheap to pay for simple things like continuity, another extra, and some special effects for space battles and crap. The only redeemable value this film had was it gave us the most popular episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 where the guys basically rip on David Ryder with those names.

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