Saturday, December 24, 2016

Monster Crap Inductee: Ice Spiders (2007)

Monster Crap Inductee: Ice Spiders
Sadly These Spiders Have No Skates Whatsoever


I love the SyFy Channel.

Where else will you find a channel where not only will they premiere movies that would be perfect for the site, but they will more than happily make the movies themselves? It’s a channel that understands its niche to the fans and they will make whatever stupid idea comes to their minds.  Need a movie where a giant man-eating animal is made into a cyborg, they will make and show it. And they will promote these movies on their channels like no one else and yet still be in on the joke. And if you have somewhat a name in your movie, they will love it even more. They even have deals with Roger Corman and Asylum that they can premiere whatever crap they are making on their channel.

My history with the channel has gone all the way to when we were all on AOL, using their Instant Messenger. Sometimes, someone like myself or someone else, would do a chat where we would all talk about the SyFy movie that would be premiering, as well as a movie from the past that was showing before it, because when SyFy premiered these movies, they liked to do a marathon to get people ready for whatever they were premiering. In fact, I remember a certain movie called Copperhead, a western where cowboys would deal with killer snakes (and also a movie that despite being made in 2008, has still not been released on DVD). The best scene was near the end as the giant momma snake was killed, a corrupt douchebag that was the town marshall made an announcement that he was going to cash in on a bounty that was placed on our heroic outlaw’s head and immediately, the giant snake just fell on him. No matter what happened, the worst thing you could say about one of those movies is that it was fucking boring and did nothing to make us enjoy the insanity that was going on (see a film called Kaw about killer ravens where everyone was obviously sleep walking through the film (oh and that film is on fucking DVD)).

And where else but SyFy would you get a movie called Ice Spiders. I mean, do I even need to explain why this would get inducted. Just look at the name or better yet, tell someone who isn’t a fan of that kind of schlock the name of the movie and I can guarantee you, you will get a laugh because a movie like Ice Spiders just sounds so outlandish a title, that you can’t do anything else but laugh.

But let’s go in the before stuff with this film. Directing this film is Tibor Takacs, a Canadian director whose claim to fame was a little film called The Gate.

It’s a very good kids film with great stop motion effects that unfortunately was the director’s third film and since then, he has basically been relegated to directing TV shows and directing low budget films, including a number of these SyFy films.

So what name could they get? First is Patrick Muldoon, who claim to fame was a great science fiction satire film known as Starship Troopers.

He’s The One Who Had His Brain Slurped Up By The Brain Bug

And also, this film stars Vanessa Williams.

Nope, Not That One

Nope…Instead It Is The Vanessa Williams That Was Maxine Chadway In The Showtime Series Soul Food, Replacing Vivica A. Fox, Who Had The Same Role In The Soul Food Movie

So with that out of the way, let’s get into Ice Spiders, a film plenty of you have wanted me to cover for a while now and considering the title, I understand.

We begin with a 3d black-red render of a spider.

Welcome To The Newest Virtual Boy Game

All that leads to is our opening title card.

And we head to Lost Mountain, which is Logan County, Utah

Thanks For The Info Movie

We then go to two hunters named Rocky (bald guy) & Bob (the guy with hair)/

The Actor Who Plays Bob (Chris Miller) Also Did The English Voice Of Professor Layton (And Still Is The Voice For Him) In The Professor Layton Video Games

I’m A Hunter In My Days Off

Rocky is trying to light the stove, but he is having no luck. Bob is making a joke that Rocky needs to be smarter than the stove. Rocky then says that when they get back, he is going to find that guy in the camping store who sold them that stove and he is going to light him up. Bob then sighs and gives Rocky a lighter. Bob says you have to be prepared and Rocky needs to keep his voice down. Bob then spots a big elk with his binoculars.

Bob Legit Says “Hello, Bambi” To This Discovery

Bob prepares to shoot the elk with his bow and arrow, but then Rocky (now with the binoculars) sees a giant spider.

Well, That Is Not Something You See Everyday

Rocky tells Bob about the giant spider and after Bob sees it to confirm, he decides to be an idiot and shoot at the spider because giant spider equals a good trophy to him.

He Misses, Of Course

Who Dares Shoot At Me?

The spider heads towards them and Rocky decides to run. Bob decides to follow Rocky. Bob decides to try and shoot the spider again, but he fails again. We then see the spider’s eyes as he sees Bob is there. Rocky calls for Bob and with no answer, he decides to stop running and search for his buddy. Bob tries to shoot a third time and again misses before finally drops the bow.

That Was Your Third Strike, Man…,.You Are So Dead Now

Bob ends up in some webbed area in the woods and finds some dead animals in webs.

Oh No, Those Spiders Got Bugs Bunny

This causes Bob to fall over and as Rocky is searching for his friend, Bob can only watch as his friend is eaten because the spider finds Rocky first.

Bob is horrified by his friend’s death, but sadly he doesn’t have too long to grieve as another spider drops onto him.

We then go to a school bus with a ski team on it.

Hey Guy From That Failed MTV Show About A Fake Boy Band Called 2Ge+her…Seriously, That Is The Name Of The Show & Band 

The one guy looking at his phone (who we find out is Chad Brown) complains that he spent $300 on his phone and he can’t get any signal out here. Another guy reveals that it isn’t his phone as no one has any signal out here. They are upset that they aren’t able to call anyone and the head coach named Mike reveals that there is no cell phone service here, but they have internet. However he says they will not be allowed to use it.

Chad reveals that his father puts a lot of money on this team and they should be going somewhere like Aspen. But Mike reveals that Chad’s dad is the one who came up with the idea of using this place as with no cable TV, no internet, and no cell phone service, they will be focused on just skiing so guys like Chad can make the Olympics as Mike says there are 100 guys who want his spot.

We go back to the woods and see a webbed up Bob as he has a cell phone (so the service does work), but Bob is too wounded to be able to use it and just dies.

The bus arrives at Lost Mountain Resort where the ski team is met by the owner of the resort, Frank Stone.

Holy Crap, That Is Stephen J. Cannell

Stephen J. Cannell is a man who headed Stephen J. Cannell Productions, which is behind many series plenty of you have watched like The Greatest American Hero, Baretta, The A-Team, and 21 Jump Street.

He Also Has A Famous Closing Logo That Has Been Parodied By Many Shows

Frank tells Coach Mike that he knows he promised his team would have the resort to themselves, but there was some last minute tourists that came for the end of the season. Coach Mike says they will work around the tourists and he is just glad to be here.  Chad still is a douche and Frank decides to set him straight that while he did well in Nationals, he revealed his opponent pulled out at the last minute so that kind of taints his victory. As they tour the place, the skiers find out that Dan “Dash” Dashiell is working there and Dash is a big deal to them as he is a legend so they are happy.

We then go to Dash as he is doing some coaching.

And He Looks Annoyed Doing So

He doesn’t like that the people he are coaching are just wanting to have fun instead of being great skiers in Mr. & Mrs. Stewart and…

Wait A Minute….I Have Seen That Face Before.

*looks on IMDB*

Oh My God…

It’s Holly Waits, The Daughter In Troll 2

I never thought I would see anyone from that movie in another movie ever again after that complete hysterical disaster, but here is the actress who played the daughter….in Ice Spiders. This is awesome.

Oh And There Is Mr. Stewart Too…Who Cares About Him When You Have Troll 2 Alumni

Mr. Stewart says that they will see him tomorrow if he promises not to yell at them and calls him dad as an insult. Meanwhile, the spider looks on.

Oh My God…I Need To Get An Autograph

As Dash comes back to his office, he asks if Frank is around and his friend Johnny says no.

Suddenly, Dr. April Sommers shows up.

Obviously Dash has the hots for her and acts like a dumb jock in trying to hit on her. April is just here to get her mail, which Steven gives to her. Dash asks why she gets her mail here as she may get mail at her lab, but April lies as she says she is getting stuff from her mom. When it is mentioned that it is from the college of biology, she badly lies that her mom is a researcher like her, but she is retired now. April thanks them for the mail and accidentally bumps into Chad and the skiers on her way out.

The ski team meets Dash and they all (well, all except Chad) remark about his past. They also ask why he never went to the Olympics. Dash said broke his leg in the Olympic Trials as he was cocky and thought he could do anything, and that was it for his career. They still wonder why he never made a comeback and Dash says he should have specified that he shattered his leg as the injury required four operations and a pound of titanium to get him walking. Basically afterwards, the Olympics passed on him and the sponsors dropped him. He also lost his school scholarship and car.

They all talk about how it sucks and Chad teases him about how he is now teaching posers on a bunny slop. Dash takes issue with his cockiness and stays he can still shred. Chad wonders and Dash decides to challenge him to a ski race, which the cocky kid accepts. After the team leaves, April tries to convince Dash not to do this as he doesn’t need to prove himself to her or anyone, but Dash says that he needs to teach kids to respect their elders and he says that he already impresses April.

At the top of the slope, the race begins with Dash vs. Chad. Chad kind of gets a quick start illegally. Dash takes the lead, but stops at a tiny cliff. Chad goes off the tiny cliff and lands perfectly as he wins the race. Dash rubs his leg as he is in pain, knowing that the tiny jump would break his leg so he has to go the long way. Chad and his team celebrate when Dash shows up. Oh and despite Chad winning, the team still says how awesome Dash was out there. Dash then says that he needs to be careful or he will eat a tree and his gold medal dreams will end. Chad says that isn’t happening to him.

As Dash walks away, April catches up with him and asks if Chad reminds him of anyone younger, but Dash refuses to accept that the kid is a younger version of himself. She says that as fun as it is watching two alpha males trying to fight for dominance, she has work to do. He asks her out for dinner and even makes the dumb mistake of asking her if she wants to see his scars. April rejects him flat out and looks at him like an idiot for asking if she wants to see his scars. He even knows it was a stupid line. As people on the skiing, we see a yellow spider eating a man.

April heads to the base and watches a bunch of military guys play basketball.

As she passes by, we also see the military guy’s commanding officer in Captain Baker.

That’s An Interesting Way To Recline. Oh And It Is Dr. Michael Mancini From Melrose Place.

As Dash is getting supplies, he scolds himself for his stupid ass “wanna see my scars” line. Frank comes up to Dash and asks if he has a minute, which Dash says he does. Frank tells him that he needs to be easier on the Stewarts because they are here to have fun and not be great skiers. He tells Dash that there is more to life than just being the first one to cross the finish line. Dash jokes that if he keeps talking like that, he will be losing his coaching license. Frank jokes about how he and other punks never listen to him anyways, which Dash agrees. Frank sees a car from the rangers and wonders what is going on as they are only here if there is a bit of a problem.

April drives to the lab and sees that no one is around. It turns out that the folder she got was inside information on what is going on with their test subjects which are spiders.

Well, At Least We Now Get Where The Giant Spiders Ultimately Come From

The ranger tells Frank and Dash that two hunters are missing and they need to look for them.

The ranger asks Frank if Dash can go with him and Frank says it is okay, but he tells Dash to hurry back as he has a resort to run. The ranger tells Frank that he wouldn’t be asking if all the rangers were out with the flu, but Frank says no problem, but he needs to be careful as sometimes nature strikes back.

April enters the lab all the while reviewing the folder of the spider situation, explains that someone has some serious explaining to do. Her first sign that something is wrong is the air duct being blasted open somehow.

Yeah, That Would Be Really Concerning

When April enters the lab, she sees that the place is empty and calls out for Joseph and David. She doesn’t find them immediately, but she does find a dead body with its leg missing and that missing leg only a few feet away.

April’s face says it all.

Oh Dear God....I Need To Fire My Agent.

April hears moaning and sees Joseph who has been webbed up, although his legs are gone.

Joseph warns her that one of the spiders is coming out as it is hungry and to forget about him because she needs to just hide. Joseph also reveals that the spiders somehow ran out of food (despite having enough food for the week) and they broke loose so they are very hungry. She hears the spider and does exactly what Joseph asked her to do. Afterwards, all she can do is watch as the black spider that jumped on Bob earlier finishes the job.

And Yes, I Know That Is A Black Widow Female Spider, But They Only Name Two Out Of The Six Spiders And I Don’t Care To Look The Rest Of Them Up To Say Which Spider Is Which So It Will Be Called The Black Spider.

Sadly, April accidentally makes some noise that alerts the black spider to her presence and she has to lock herself into a chemical storage room for safety.

While driving out to the hunter’s last known location, Dash learns that the ranger he is working with is named Rick Dickerson so of course Dash makes the obvious Ranger Rick joke.

I Would Have Tried For The Fact That His Name Technically Has Two Dicks In It Since I Am Sure He Has Heard The Ranger Rick Too Many Times.

And of course Ranger Rick has as they find the hunter’s car so they know they are in the area. Rick also says that you would think a guy named Dash would not make fun of a man named Ranger Rick, which is a good point considering in 2016, I could make more Dash jokes than I could Ranger Rick jokes. They also talk about the lab as that is the only think that is up here besides the ski resort and Rick has tried and failed to see what is inside the lab as the professor is a real piece of work, but Dr. Sommers is smart and hot. Rick decides to take the east ridge while Dash takes the west so they ride in search with their snowmobiles.

While in the storage room, April tries the phone, but the phone is dead and then she sees the fire alarm.

Oh Boy….Time For April To Do Something That Has Been Done A Lot Of Times In High School

She does this and this interrupts the army guys doing their basketball game (as well as Capt. Baker getting a tan). This causes everyone to suit up and the head of this operation, Prof. Marks to join them.

Great…You Have The Head Of This Dangerous Lab Work Be One Of The Three Guys Who Are There To Peep On The Girls Undressing And Get Killed.

He keeps trying to say nothing is going on and just one of the lab people made a minor mistake, but the military guys can’t take any chances so they go in. The military guys see blood, but Marks assures them that the spiders are all in their cages (despite the fact that he hasn’t been there and there is blood to say something has happened). *Sigh* This Professor Marks guy is going to be the Officer Barbrady of this film and I really hate those type of characters being in a film that isn’t meant to be a comedy.

Captain Baker tells his men that what they see here is classified of the highest order so if they even mention in their sleep what goes down in here, they will be brought up on charges of treason if they are lucky.

Dash is out in the woods and makes a shocking discovery.

Bambi From Earlier Got Fucked Up

Dash tells Rick of his discovery and thinks there may be some wolves or a bear. Rick on the speaker asks about the bear idea and Dash thinks it may be a grizzly, maybe rabid. Rick says bears should be hibernating still and Dash says that whatever it was, made a mess of the elk he found. Rick says the eastern ridge is clear so he will be making his way over to Dash. Dash goes a bit further and finds the body of Rocky.

Dash shoots a flare for Rick to find.

As the military men (and Prof. Marks) enter the lab, Dr. Sommers runs up to them and tells them what has happened. Marks says the spider must be long gone by now and April says more soldiers must come up here to contain this, but Marks says that won’t be happening as these are all the soldiers they are going to get because according to a quarter of the world, this place doesn’t exist. April says the whole world will know soon if those spiders get down the mountain and when Marks says these men will handle it, she says for them to look at the carnage as those spiders killer her men as if they were nothing. Baker rightfully tells Sommers that his men aren’t exactly lab techs so they can fend for themselves. The black spider kills one of the men, proving Prof. Marks wrong again about them being gone.

Also One Of The Stupidest Practical Effects I Have Seen As This Lower Half Of The Guy Moves Right…And Physics With A Human Body Don’t Work Like That

The men try to kill the spider, but they probably have their guns on miss mode as the spider gets away. The soldiers remark that the spiders aren’t supposed to be that big, but Baker says for them to still keep their mouths closed about all of this because there are five more spiders out there. Baker takes the dead guy’s dog tags and gives it to a fellow soldier, telling him they need to go.

Baker then says they need to find the spiders and kill them, but Prof. Marks want the spiders to be captured alive. Sommers can’t believe he is saying what he is saying. Marks says this program saves lives and Sommers asks if the ends justifies the means then, which Marks says yes to. He also says no one else is going to die as if another spider was there, it would attack too, meaning the spiders are outside.

Baker questions this as he thought spiders didn’t like the cold and Sommers agrees with Baker’s question. Marks says they will probably find them hibernating 50 feet outside the ventilation shaft. Sommers wonders how he can be sure since they did mess with the DNA and Marks says that they didn’t make them to be resistant to the cold. He tells her to do everyone a favor and stay out of this until the subjects are recovered. Sommers sneaks into the computer room and steals all the CDs. April then uses the computer in her car with the CDs to see that Marks has given the spiders growth hormones to make them bigger.

Um…April? You’re Not Even A Few Feet Away From The Lab Where Everyone Is At And You Are Doing This Here? What If Someone Sees You.

No one sees her doing this and she goes to the resort to warn what is going on.

Elsewhere, Rick finally shows up to where Dash is and sees the body for themselves. They also find Bob’s body webbed up along with other animals, but Dash says it can’t be spiders because it is too cold and spiders can’t web up a whole human. Rick decides that he agrees with Dash about it being too cold up here and they need to leave. They try to leave, but Rick gets his foot webbed and he gets dragged. Dash tries to save him, but he can’t and Rick gets killed by the green spider.

Not Ranger Rick….Now How Will Kids Learn About How Great Nature Is?

Dash runs away…

While Looking Like The Biggest Idiot

He gets on the snowmobile and is able to escape the orange spider.

Cheating Bastard On His Damn Snowmobile…

The yellow spider shows up and Dash runs it over.

10 Points

Dash then gets back to the car and because the ranger’s truck is locked, he steals the dead hunters’ truck because it’s not like they will need it.

The Dumbass Hunters Also Left The Keys In The Truck So They Were Just Asking For That Truck To Be Stolen

The orange spider jumps on truck and gets knocked off almost immediately.

One of the military guys tells Baker that there are no tracks from the spiders. When Marks asks how things are going, Baker tells him that there isn’t a trace of the spiders. Marks says that means they must have a higher resistance to the cold than he thought and Baker wonders if Sommers was right about them. Marks still says that despite what the doctor thinks, the spiders haven’t gone far. He says he should know as he created them (and yet you have been wrong so far despite that). Baker tells him that despite his assurances, the spiders are more active than they thought. Baker says he will be breaking out the containment gear just in case. Marks says Baker can do whatever he needs to feel safe, but just find them before the civilians do.

Meanwhile, Coach Mike goes up the ski lift to do one last run down the slopes before dark and Chad still gets told how great Dash was. Unfortunately for coach, the spiders show up and his players are not around to help him so he makes a decision to jump off the lift.

Unfortunately for him, if you have ever seen the horror movie Frozen (a rare good movie by Adam Green IMO), you would know that you are more likely to break your leg to the bone than be able to escape any real danger.

And Landing On Rocks Doesn’t Help Either

So Coach is shit out of luck and the green spider eat him.

Via Some Extremely Bad Edits That Remind You Of Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers

One Of These Days, You Mess Of A Film, One Of These Days

Another skier comes down and sees all of this. He freaks out and the green spider kill him too.

No Witnesses, Man

Dr. Sommers goes to warn the people in the lodge. She tries to tell Frank to evacuate everyone and when he questions why, someone runs in yelling “Run, They’re Killing Everyone.”

On IMDB, This Guy Has The Credit Of “Run, They’re Killing Everyone.”

Both April and Frank go outside and see the spiders killing people.

Frank can’t believe he is seeing this, but April tells him he needs to help her save some of these people. April tells people that they need to get inside.  A female skier is in danger, but April is able to save her by distracting the spider enough so both of them can escape.

Frank also gets the Stewarts into the lodge as they were cowering in fear.

Come On, Mrs. Stewart…You’ve Dealt With Goblins From Nilbog.

Frank sees that the skiers from the ski team are hiding behind the snowmobiles and goes to check on them. Inside, April, Johnny, and others lock themselves into the lodge.

The main ski team guys see the bus driver try to lead some people to the bus, but the spiders get them.

Frank decides to help the skiers get to the bus.

Now If You Are Wondering Where The Spiders Were That Killed The Past People Who Tried For The Bus, I Don’t Know As They Only Need To Worry About The Black Spider That Is On The Hill.

They get into the bus, but then realize that the dead bus driver had the keys so someone probably needs to go out and get them. Back inside, the people stuck in the lodge start putting furniture towards the doors to stop the spiders from getting in. Johnny tells April that the phones are dead as we see the military cut the phone lines.

Not Cool, Man….

Chad is chosen to go get the keys because he opened his mouth about getting them and he is the fastest on the team. Chad gets the keys and avoids the clutches of the black spider, which now decides to ride on the bus as they get it moving. The black spider goes to the windshields and blocks Chad’s view (as he is driving) and the bus crashes.

Dash gets back to the lodge and is let in thanks to some furniture moving that is moved back into place once he gets in. Johnny tries to radio the rangers, but Dash tells him to not bother as all the rangers are sick. Dash takes charge and when Mr. Stewart ask who put him in charge, he responds those things out there and twelve years in the Marines (wonder how he did that and was part of the ski team trying for the Olympics). Dash then starts demanding answers from Dr. Sommers, who tries to play non-disclosure. Dash’s response is when is this military that enforces that non-disclosure agreement coming and she says don’t count on them coming at all. Dash goes to check the other generator and April joins him.

While in the crashed bus, Chad gets shit for causing the crash and Frank has to take charge. They also find out that one of the skiers Steven is in shock following the crash and he will need to head to the infirmary soon, but the black spider climbs up on the bus and it doesn’t seem to want them to leave. It also starts webbing the bus.

While looking for the generator, Dash wants more information on the killer spiders and once again, she tries to not tell him. He persists and she reluctantly agrees to tell him by saying they were trying to use strong spider silk to create better bullet proof armor for the battlefield. They did this by splicing ancient spider DNA into modern spiders. To make them bigger than genetic manipulation ever could, they force fed the spiders hormones, steroids, and high caloric foods, kind of like doping athletes to win races. Dash mocks the idea by saying it was a stupid idea to make giant spiders with roid rage. She tries to say they took precautions, making the lab be here because spiders hate the cold. Dash asks have they ever wondered what would happened if the place warmed up and how many of those spiders are there. She responds that there are only six spiders and they all look basically the same, except they infused each one with a dominant profile from a different species so they could study their unique silk. Sommers also reveals that her boss Prof. Marks accelerated their growth rate without her knowledge so they could be bigger for money reasons as the battle for grant dollars is as bloody as the actual battle itself (figuratively speaking, I have a brother in the army so I refuse to say it is literally as bloody as the actual battle).

Dash has an idea of just waiting the spiders out since there is a cold front coming that will make it below zero. April said as of this morning she thought that would work, but now she doesn’t know because the spiders weren’t supposed to be out here now and their metabolism is growing at an alarming rate. April says that they have an insatiable appetite which means if they don’t eat every few hours, they will starve to death. Dash thinks that is cool, but April says not for the humans because those spiders will find a way in and get them as they are ravenous.

Hey, Do Not Be Giving Me Robert Carlyle Memories. You Would More Fucked With Him Than You Ever Would With Those Damn Spiders.

Dash is upset about this as the phones still do not work, but they hear spider noises so they hide in the telephone room.

Hey, Can You Guys Let Me In??? I Need To Make An Important Phone Call.

Meanwhile on the bus that the black spider webbed, the skiers and Frank realize they need to get out of the bus because that spider is eventually going to find a way in. Steven starts going into a seizure so Frank tells them to make sure he doesn’t bang his head and roll him on his side so he doesn’t vomit. This means they definitely need to get him into the infirmary in the lodge so Frank forms a plan.

In the telephone room, Dash tries to get April to continue staying the room in the guise of safety even though the grey spider, but she sees through his game and elbows him as she opens the door. Dash thinks about going outside, but a spider prodding a dead body makes that a bad idea.

This Spider Would Poke It With A Stick, But It Doesn’t Have One.

The brown spider shows up on the stairs and chases Dash & April. April is able to use a fire extinguisher to spray at the spider and escape.

On the bus, Frank reveals his plan is to distract the spider so while the spider is busy with him, the skiers can get out and take Steven to the lodge. This is essentially a sacrifice, but Frank is okay with this. He partially opens the bus door, but immediately closes it when the spider starts to want to get in, he closes the door on it so the spider’s leg is trapped.

Frank keeps it closed and let’s the others escape via the back door.

Wait…He Isn’t Lying On His Side!! You Are Tempting His Death!!!

Back in the lodge, Mr. Stewart tries to use a chair as part of the firewood, but suddenly the fire goes out as falling snow from the chimney puts it out.

It’s Christmas So Yes So It’s Time For…


It’s actually the green spider who proceeds to kill both Mr. & Mrs. Stewart.

Typical Holly Waits….She Can Survive Goblins, But She Can’t Survive Spiders

Dash tries to kill the green spider with an axe, but he is able to eventually kill the spider with a deer head.

Bambi’s Revenge….Well, Sorta Since It Is Probably The Grey Spider That Killed It And I Don’t Think That Is The Deer That The Spider Killed.

Dash then makes a joke by saying to April “Nice Rack” (probably meaning the deer). The skiers bang on the door and are let in with Steven being taken to the infirmary.

Back at the bus, Frank seems screwed as the spider finally gets the door open, but the military saves him and catches the spider in a net.

Frank looks at his savior’s and says, “Now that’s what I call a rescue”. When asked what happened, Frank tells him those spiders attacked from the north and he as well as others tried to escape from the bus. Marks says that is impossible as these things should be barely moving. Marks…

That’s All I Need To Say So Shut Up, Please…

Frank tells Marks that they are moving and they are killing like nothing he has ever seen. Baker then says that it looks like Dr. Sommers was right about the spiders. Frank says that April came down to warn them, but it was too late. Marks says they need to contain the situation and Bakers says they will cage them up. When Frank tries to object and say they need to be killed, Marks tells the lodge owner to not press his luck as he is alive right now.

The military sets up shop in the hills and see the spiders outside the lodge. Baker calls the people inside using a radio and Dash wonders with the crappy situation they are in, what is the military going to do about it. Baker says they are going to come up with a plan and call them back. Marks gets on the radio and tries to calm Dash down, saying they will take care of this soon and Dash laughs, saying that he and Sommers had a good conversation about him and his spiders. Marks says they don’t have enough men for a straight out assault so if they want their help, killing is out of the question. Dash snidely remarks that he is trying to protect his investment and Sommers agrees. Baker gets back on the line says they only have weapons for capturing so they can’t kill the creatures even if they wanted to (remember that for later) so they need to lure the creatures into a confined area where they will stay and then the military will use their weapons to capture the spiders. Sommers tells them to use the food from the lab since the spiders are addicted to the hormones as it is like heroin to them. When it is still revealed they need to get them to a constricted area, Dash tells them to use the half pipe. Dash is also asked how the spiders are going to get there, he tells them to let him worry about that.

Dash gives Johnny the keys as he needs to set up the avalanche cannon (they make those?) and fire when he says so as he is going to use his body and ski skills to lure the spiders. Yes, he is going to do this and not the kid that beat him in the freaking race from earlier. Oh and Dash is going out there with a flare as a torch and Chad (whose ass should be going out there) says it feels like the Olympics, which is good enough for Dash. April says that there has to be another way and Dash tells the doctor to tell him when he gets back. Oh and remember when Dash refused to go off that cliff earlier because he would break his leg?

Well, He Skis And Jumps Off The Roof To Start The Race.

So yeah, the spiders give chase. Johnny also goes out to use the avalanche cannon. Dash shows off his skills (that I’m sure the film needed actual skiers to do). As the military is setting up with the hormone liquid on the half pipe (and the black spider is in a steel with holes so it can breathe), Baker is trying to quietly sing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”, but Marks does notice.

Really, Captain? Really?

Oh And Spider Food Is Green. Oh Well, At Least It Isn’t Green Eggs And Ham

No, Sam-I-Am!!! That Stuff Is Disgusting!!! 

The military sees Dash coming so they get in their positions. After Dash passes the half pipe, the three spiders chasing him, come down and eat the food. They are immediately captured by the military and their net guns.

Marks says everyone can now see that there is no reason to kill them at all. After an argument, Dash says that since he is a civilian and doesn’t have to listen to this top secret, patriotism BS that Marks was trying to use as a persuasion to keep all of this quiet, he reveals his plan B: Johnny and the avalanche cannon blowing the spiders to smithereens.

Marks is furious about his experiments being destroyed and demands that Dash and Sommers are arrested. Baker thinks Marks is overreacting, he goes for Baker’s gun and Marks slips on the half pipe, falling into the middle, and one spiders somehow gets free shows and kills Marks.

Maybe The Explosion Got Him Free, Who Knows?

After that, the military decides to shoot and kill it with their guns, you know….the weapons to kill the spiders they said they didn’t have.

If I Didn’t Know Any Better, I Would Say Captain Baker Was Lying Earlier When He Said They Didn’t Have Any Weapons To Kill The Spiders.

Apparently, none of the heroes catch this too as this situation is never called out. Dash goes to try to kill the spider in the box, but government men show up and take the spider away.

Dash wants to know what is up and the head of the forces (in a cowboy hat) talks to them.

He tells Dash that the official story that is going to go out is that the late Prof. Marks messed around with high levels of powerful and illegal hallucinogens that caused people to see these giant spiders and there was a chemical spill. Dash doesn’t like this, but the head tells him that a lot of good people died today and he would hate for him and anyone else to join the dead. Dash puts his gun down and laughs that the government has an answer for everything, to which the head responds that someone has to. The government forces leave with the captured spider.

With the rest of group comes down and Chad tells him that he saw some of the best skiing from Dash. Johnny says that he still has it. Roger jokes that it was a four. And April decides to accept that date with Dash.

And that is the end of Ice Spiders.

Not much aftermath with this film as it came and went. Also there are only two people who did other things of note (1 in a short lived TV series and voice acting, 1 for a drug addiction, and 1 who died). Charles Halford (who played Coach Mike) was able to be in the show that probably should have deserved better than its one season in Constantine as he played Chas Chandler. He also did some voice acting and landed the role of the villain Konstantin in Rise of the Tomb Raider. Noah Bastion (who played Chad) suffered from a drug addiction, but got himself clean and talked about it in a 2012 interview. A year later, he would admit he was openly gay which considering the way his hair looked, you could kind of guess. Sadly, the one person who died was probably the best actor in this film in Stephen J. Cannell (who played Frank Stone). Stephen died in 2010 at the age of 69 years old due to complications from melanoma and was buried next to his oldest son Derek, who died at the age of 15 due to suffocation when a sandcastle he was building (probably a real big one that would be like art) collapsed on him.

So my overall thoughts and they are this film is decent. It isn’t poorly acted (if you take out Prof. Marks, who was annoying as fuck) and there were practical effects (little of them) that looked decent. It was a short watch in a little more than an hour and 30 minutes and the time went by rather fast instead of boring you. And there is the awesome scene of Dash using a deer head to kill a spider. Unfortunately, there is that problem of Prof. Marks, the CGI for the spiders looks really bad, some important plot elements they go back real easily, and I’m a bit disappointed that despite the title, the spiders had no type of ice powers (but that last one is only an extremely minor nitpick). Not an awesomely bad film from SyFy, but it definitely isn’t even close to type of shit they sometimes make.

And as I post this with my family in the house (and my nephews paying me a visit), I wish you all the Happiest of Holidays and hopefully 2017 will be better than 2016. I’ll join you again when we decide what was the worst film of 2016 and we have plenty to choose from.