Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: See No Evil (2006)

Monster Crap Inductee: See No Evil
Kane Masturbates To The Joy Of Absolutely No One

I probably haven’t said this in these inductees and if I have, I will say it again. My favorite wrestler in all of WWE’s history is the monster Kane. Kane was a monster and as you know by now, I love monsters. When Kane debuted in 1997 by ripping open the door to the Hell in a Cell and beating the living hell out of the Undertaker, I was blown away by the fact that this guy was really scary and I thought that Kane had the potential to be the biggest monster in all of wrestling or as the WWE calls it, sports entertainment. However, on many occasions with the Big Red Machine, the WWE dropped the ball and screwed up a lot of Kane’s legacy. I am saying all of this because that is exactly what WWE did in their first WWE Films movie, starring Kane. They dropped the ball on an idea that Kane could be a slasher movie monster. I mean look at him.

Even without the mask, Kane could be a really scary dude. But unfortunately, WWE went with a route that unfortunately made Kane to look pathetic. Now WWE did try to make a storyline based off of the date when the movie was released to get people to see the movie (for some reason). WWE tried their damnedest to get this done, but the date they were going to release this movie (May 19th) was a date in which Over The Hedge came out and when the much anticipated Da Vinci Code came out. Basically, in box office, you are screwed before day one of your movie’s release. Now I am not going to talk about the storyline they used because that’s Wrestle Crap’s job to tell that story. My job is basically to tell about the movie.

But one more thing, the thought process behind the casting and hiring of crew members was really bad as well. We start with the director Gregory Dark and while his name sounds like it would be good for a horror movie, the reality is he was definitely the wrong guy to direct this. Basically, before this movie, Gregory Dark was only good at directing music videos including Britney Spears’ first crap music video called “From The Bottom of My Broken Heart”. He was also only good at directing porno movies. That’s right, folks. Gregory Dark is one half of the Dark Brothers, an adult movie production team. So basically, Vince McMahon must have been masturbating to one of his porno movies and had the idea to hire this guy for this horror movie. We of course move to the cast and most of the cast members are basically Australian actors and aren’t very well known in the USA. The only three that has acting credentials in the US are Kane (of course), Christina Vidal, and Michael J. Pagan. Christina was basically a child actor whose big break was a crappy movie called Life With Mikey, which by the way, has been killed by IMDB. At one point, it was in fact, on the 50 worst movies of all time according to IMDB members. It was on the list with crappy movies like Santa With Muscles, Troll 2, among others. She is also a singer too and her big moment there was appearing and singing in the remix to Will Smith’s video “Nod Your Head”. Now Michael J. Pagan also had his big moment as a child actor as well. His was a movie called How Stella Got Her Groove Back. After that and a few smaller roles, he decided to take a break from acting and go to High School. Well, I can say all I want about Michael, but at least he had the right mind to go to high school and get a diploma. And by checking his credentials, he is a pretty good athlete.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I shall review the movie. Wait, I almost forgot one thing. This movie went under several name changes because the movie names were bad. When it was first announced, the movie was going to be called Eye Scream Man….get it? Well, you wouldn’t be the only one because once someone told Gregory Dark and crew about how stupid that name sounded, they changed it immediately. After that it went to Goodnight. Now someone probably told them that wasn’t any better so they went with The Goodnight Man. Again, they were probably told that name sucked as well so they finally went with See No Evil. Okay, now that the name change crap is out of the way, we can get to the actual movie.

We start this movie of course with the Lionsgate film logo and the debut of the WWE Films logo; since this is there first film it would only make sense. We get to the opening credits and we see we are at a trailer park with cockroaches and all. We then see a young boy locked up in a cage made of shopping carts. Basically, it’s a montage of the boy’s life. I must though say that with these living conditions, you know that social services would be prying this kid away from his parents or parent. Also, you would of course expect this parent or parents to be sent to the slammer for child abuse. But this is all a montage as we move to a police car getting a call about a loud music and screaming at a house. Now as you will hear the song “Jesus Loves The Little Children” which is probably the creepiest church song they could have found. In fact, I sometimes like to scare people by rocking back and forth singing that song horrifically. Kane mentions on the DVD commentary that this song definitely annoyed the living hell out of him. They enter the house to find blood all over the walls and a shrine to Jesus (how touching), before they get to a room where there is a young woman who is screaming. Her long hair is covering her face and while one officer checks the place out, another officer flashes his flashlight at the girl. We don’t see her face yet, but we can see the officer with the flash light horrified at what he sees.

The officer searching the place doesn’t get far before he is shocked and is only able to get the words “What the….” before getting axed by this gigantic figure. This figure of course is Kane, playing Jacob Goodnight. Now I am going to say this now because unless you watched WWE programming or went to IMDB, you would not know this at all throughout the movie. Why would you not know this? Well, because the people responsible for this film decided that it wasn’t important to tell us at all his name and only once saying his name Jacob toward the very end. Actually to be fair, they did have a scene where they were introducing him in a monologue by the one surviving officer. But the brains behind this movie thought it was to long so they cut it without another time to introduce the monster. No offense, but even movies like Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Nightmare On Elm Street (all of which this movie was trying to be better than, according to WWE of course) mentioned the monster’s name.

Anyway, back to the movie. The shadowy Jacob then uses his axe to chop the other officer’s left arm off. The wounded officer uses his other arm with a gun to shoot Jacob in the head, which turns back the monster and forces him to retreat. We then see the wounded officer is calling for backup. We then see the flashlight movie which should be impossible since the flashlight was held by the arm that was chopped off. We then see why the officer was so horrified when he saw the woman’s face. She has both her eyes torn out.

Kane once again in the DVD commentary tries to help you again understand what is going on by telling you that there are short hidden frames that show Jacob is leaving the crime scene. And he is right, but you will barely see it unless you are looking for it. We then get the camera to zoom into the girl’s missing eyeholes which moves to officers trying to tell folks to keep away from the crime scene. Now even I agree with the Big Red Machine Kane’s commentary that says this was a very good fade to the next scene.

We also see reporters talking about the horrible crime scene. We see the surviving officer being taken away to the ambulance while he sees the dead bodies that were inside the house and the girl he save who now has some rags over her eyes as to cover up her eyeholes. One of the reporters mentions the surviving officer’s name as Officer Frank Williams. Interesting note about this was WWE films named a character Frank Williams after a beloved WWE jobber through the 1970s and 1980s who went by the same name. You may know him more as being the very first guest on Piper’s Pit.

We see Frank enter the ambulance which fades to a white drawer with an alarm clock going off. A prosthetic hand comes up and turns the alarm off. We then see Frank Williams get out of bed while we realize that this is now four years later after that gruesome crime scene. Gregory Dark after that decides to show a scene where Frank Williams is taking a leak in the toilet. So let me get this straight, this bonehead Gregory cuts the only scene that mentions Jacob Goodnight by name for useless scenes like this. We then see him grab his keys with his new uniform on as he exits the door. We then hear in the background a song by David Banner, which as Kane mentions in the DVD commentary was thanks to Gregory Dark. We see someone looking at a paper that talks about Frank Williams getting a new job with the police as a helper of troubled youths. And when we mean troubled youths, we mean young convicts at the county detention center. At the detention center, we see Frank Williams escort several adults out towards a path. One of the troubled youths shows another troubled youth that he has a bag with weed in it and offers it to him. The other troubled youth asks how he got it and takes it from him. We then find out that the youth who has the weed now is Russell Wolf and he is in prison for receiving stolen property.

Frank hears this and tells everyone to go faster. A different youth smart mouths and we of course find out that the smart mouth is Richie Parsons, who is in prison for computer fraud.

We move to a bus that is nearby and a middle aged female officer, Officer Hannah Anders, is confiscating a pair of condoms and warning the girls to not fraternize with the guys.

We of course get some arguments between a blond, a brunette with blond highlights, and a Latina. The Latina woman is of course Christina Videl who plays Christine Zarate, who is in prison for aggravated assault.

We then see the boys, accompanied by Frank Williams, coming on the bus. Hannah goes to greet Frank and leaves her purse in the bus, which is pick pocketed by the blonde girl, whose name Zoe Warner and is in jail for shoplifting.

We then see a near bald white guy bump a young black guy (played by Michael J. Pagan) and they both get into an argument over the bump. We find out the white guy is Michael Montross, who is in jail for possession with intent to sell, assault, and battery.

We see the brunette with blonde highlights is not too happy to see Michael, indicating some history there. Frank Williams breaks up the little confrontation and forces them inside the bus with the threat to send them back to jail and miss this opportunity. As Frank and Hannah have a conversation, the guys get on the bus and sit in certain seats. As the bus leaves, Hannah explains the situation. Apparently, they are getting the opportunity to work on a work-release program which will get them time off their sentence. During this, Michael talks to the brunette and gets a “F*** You, Michael” in response. This definitely shows another clue in a connection between Michael and the brunette, who we find out is Kira Vanning and she is in prison for possession with the intent to sell, one of the crimes that Michael also has (another link between the two).

She leaves and moves over with Christine. With the way these two treat each other, it seems as if it is more than a best friends situation if you know what I mean.

Giggedy Giggedy Goo

After another conversation, the black guy calls Michael a dumbass, which pisses Michael off. Richie comes in and tells another girl all the way in the back that she might want to move and Russell drags her towards his seat as Michael and the black guy get into a fight. Once again, Frank stops the fight. The black guy talks back to Frank and we find out the black guy is Tyrone Simms, who is in jail for breaking & entering, and possession.

The one girl who was rescued by Russell, comments about Frank’s left hand being prosthetic. The kids make fun of what happened….thinking it may have been leprosy or a Chihuahua biting it off. While the bus is still driving, Russell is talking to the girl he rescued about her involvement against a dog pound. She basically justifies her actions by saying they were going to gas the dogs, which is wrong in her books. Russell compliments her on her decision and she smiles as we finally find out who she is. She is Melissa Beudroux and she is in jail for breaking & entering, and reckless endangerment

Obviously this has something to do with the dog pound topic so we now know Melissa is basically a horrible animal rights activist. While hearing this and bored, Zoe mentions that she is going to need drugs and Hannah is quick to state that she heard that. Also on the bus ride later on, Richie goes to the back of the bus to talk to Tyrone. He says he might have a proposition for him, to which Tyrone seems interested in. Richie then shows Tyrone where they are stopping at (for some reason, he knows while others don’t). It’s a very run down hotel (Rockwell Hotel) as you can see from these pics.

Now if you see rhe roof of the building, you might notice the T is missing in HOTEL. As Kane says in the DVD commentary, that missing T will play a significant part later on in the movieBut if you have not listened to the commentary, you would probably say this would probably blame one man for the missing T

Still Looking For That T, Big T

Frank is then welcomed by an old lady named Margaret Gayne, who is overjoyed that this whole thing worked out. Margaret then shows the group the inside of the hotel, which is even worse that the outside.

Margaret tells the group of her plan to turn this rundown hotel into a shelter for the homeless. Frank and Hannah explain that this is making this hotel livable again is what their objective is. Margaret reveals that this old hotel was owned by Mr. Blackwell as a playground for his guests. She explains that there are rumors of hidden passages in the place although she never found them. She says they have almost finished renovating the sweets on the second floor and that will be where the group of troubled youths are staying. She mentions that Penthouse Levels at 8 or 9 are off limits. The reason for those levels being off limits is because there was a terrible fire in room 71 that killed Mr. Blackwell, his wife, and several others. She says that since the hotel was more of a hobby than a business, the place was never prepared. Of course, she also adds that she doesn’t want any lawsuits on her hands from the troubled youths’ parents.

Margaret then goes over the rules explaining that they eat in the atrium of the hotel. She then says the outside doors must be locked at night. She then tells the ladies to grab a trash bag and tells most of the guys to grab the room. She then turns to the person she hasn’t given a job yet, Michael. He seems to think that he will be allowed to be in charge, but Margaret shoots him down by saying she wants him to mop up the bathrooms.

Michael is now in a bathroom and he is using the mop to mop up the dirty toilet. While cleaning the toilet, he doesn’t notice that someone is looking at him through a small hole in the wall. And how does Michael clean the toilet, by bringing the mop up and down like a plunger. He looks around and gets dust from the roof, indicating someone is on the floor above him. He of course does not appreciate the dust and tries to bang the roof to tell the person above that he is below. Unfortunately, all it does is get more dust to fall on him. Once again, we see someone looking through the hole.

Meanwhile, Christine is sweeping in the hallway (I thought that was the guys’ job), when she is grabbed from behind by Kira and brought into a bedroom. Kira reveals that she has opened a window and is going to try to make a run for it. Christine looks out the window and tells Kira that the window leads to the atrium, much to Kira’s disappointment. Kira reveals that she blames Michael for her being in jail. Afterwards, Kira reveals a pack of cigarettes that she got from Zoe, who lifted them off Hannah. Both Christine and Kira take a smoke break before Frank comes into the room. He notices the cigarette box, grabs a cigarette, and has one of the girls light it for him. He then leaves before telling the girls to not burn the place up. After Frank leaves, Christine and Kira joke around about their opinion that he masturbates with that prosthetic hand.

In another room, Richie shows Tyrone that he has maps to the whole place. Now how he got them, we will never know, but he has them and reveals all of the hidden paths. He also mentions that there are rumors of a safe that was never found that contained Blackwell’s private stash. Tyrone is reluctant to go on this wild goose chase, but agrees to go treasure hunting after Richie’s convincing argument that Tyrone has nothing better to do.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Christine is washing paintbrushes when Frank comes in. He mentions that he is glad that she is part of this program. Now, now, before you get perverse thoughts, he has good reasons. He read her record and read about the fact that she attacked her stepfather because after he did something bad to her sister and mentions that she got a crappy deal. Christine pulls out a line from good ole RD Reynolds by saying “Speaking of…crappy deals”…

Although Not With RD's High Pitched Voice

Anyway, Christine wondered who’s bright idea was it to pair Kira and Michael on the same project, to which Frank has no idea of the history. Christine tells Frank that Kira used to work for Michael out on the streets, when he wasn’t beating her ass. She says that Kira got Michael in jail and now because the two are on the same project, he has been stalking her.

Frank tells Christine that he had no idea about the situation and that he would take care of the problem. Of course, we go back to the atrium where Tyrone and Richie are joking about something. Then Michael comes in the room and steals Richie’s beer. He is joined by Russell and Melissa, who bring food back from some place. Melissa complains about the fact that there is meat in her meal. Michael makes fun of her hatred for meat while Russell tries to defend her. Then a stray dog comes out. Michael decides to be a jerk and throw his beer can at the dog, which scares him off. Melissa gets mad at him and Michael, while talking with Russell about the smuggled weed, offers a truce in a joint. Zoe, being the blonde bimbo, decides to join in. Together, the four plan on trespassing in the hotel’s penthouse.

In the men’s quarters, Russell seems prepared for his date with Melissa. Michael makes some crappy comments about her and sex and Russell, without missing a beat, says that Michael will never know, but Russell said he will allow Michael to smell his fingers afterwards. Russell offers the party up to Richie and Tyrone, but they pass. After Russell and Michael have left, Tyrone and Richie formulate their plan to find that safe.

Meanwhile, in a shower room, we see some skin as Kira takes a shower. Now we don’t see any boobs, but we do see ass. Unfortunately for her, someone has decided to use another hole in the wall to be a peeping tom. It is the eye of Jacob Goodnight again as he notices the religious tattoos on her back. A fly comes in the scene and she uses the rag to swat it. She then sees the hole and believes that Michael is the peeping tom. Her suspicions are more seen as believable when Michael comes in the shower room. He grabs her and looks to attack when Christine comes in and tells him to get out. Seeing that the odds are against him and that he doesn’t want to be known as getting his ass kicked by two women (macho opinion, don’t ask), he decides to take his leave. Christine consoles Kira who is upset about what happened with Michael. Meanwhile, Richie and Tyrone continue their hunt for the safe. They find a hidden passage and go inside. In the girl’s room, Zoe is putting on makeup for the party at the penthouse while Melissa gets rid of her hairy legs. Melissa explains that she was getting sick of the natural look. Zoe then makes a crack about looking like a hobbit is natural.

We Hobbits Take Offense To That Remark!

Zoe then offers Christine and Kira the opportunity to party at the hotel’s penthouse, which both of the ladies decline. After that, Zoe and Melissa leave for the party. After some look at the cockroaches in the atrium, we get a scene with Hannah and Frank at the bar. Frank notices Hannah’s engagement ring and mentions that it is on the wrong hand. Hannah says that she is only giving the ring a test drive and has not completely decided on whether to accept her boyfriend’s proposal for marriage. He, of course, tries to convince her to accept the marriage proposal.

Meanwhile, in a secret passage, we join Richie and Tyrone as they continue their hunt for the safe. As they find evidence of a homeless dude being here at one point, they are then surprised to find a dead body nearby. Tyrone suggests that it might have been from the fire, but Richie says the body is still fresh, as if the murder was done recently. They then find that his eyes have been torn out and Richie freaks out. He runs away as Tyrone tries to find him so he can calm him down. Unfortunately, Richie’s moment of panic gets him lost in the maze of secret passages and actual halls. When Richie calms down and starts looking for Tyrone, he turns his back to the elevator as the doors opens and guess who comes out.


And Jacob Goodnight is not alone as he is wielding a chain with a hook on its end. Okay, is Jacob trying kill people or does he have a strange way of going fishing? He throws his chain and the hook latches on to the back of Richie’s shin. Richie tries his best, but he cannot escape the strength of Jacob Goodnight as he drags him into the elevator. Tyrone sees this happen and as Richie is calling for help, Tyrone is too scared to do anything. Back at the atrium, Margaret tells Frank and Hannah that someone is using the elevator. Frank originally goes to find out who it is, but Hannah decides to take care of this problem instead. Hannah takes the other elevator and presses to towards the second floor. When in the elevator, Hannah decides to put the ring on her other hand, deciding that Frank was right and that she will accept her boyfriend’s marriage proposal. Unfortunately, the elevator is at the second floor and still is ascending towards higher floors. The elevator finally stops at the eighth floor and when the doors open, no one is around. However, that only lasts for a minute before flies start appearing and then a hand grabs her throat. It is Jacob’s hand and he raises her head and smashes it on the ceiling. Afterwards, Jacob grabs her head and gouges both of her eyeballs out of her head

Do You Mean The Skull??

No, Michael Cole, I would refer as to not call it the skull. We then see Jacob Goodnight in his room, drop the eyeballs into a jar. We move to the stairs as Michael is followed by Zoe, who is followed by Melissa and Russell. Melissa makes a big mistake of getting a character’s name wrong by calling Christine, “Christina”.

You Mean Like I Did On Imus In The Mourning When I Called Lashley "Lindsey" and Khali "Hindu".

But unlike you Trump, the actress playing the role of Christine is named Christina so her mistake and yours are not the same, you dope. Anyway, she asks why “Christina” did not come with them. Zoe makes some sort of snide remark about the fact that maybe Christine wanted to make out with Kira. They hear some noises and most wonder what it is. Michael says that it is probably either opportunity knocking or “Granny” with her vibrator.

Meanwhile, back to Christine and Kira, who are still in the women’s quarters, Christine thinks she has found a way for Kira to escape. Apparently, there is a window in the kitchen that leads to the atrium where there is a hole in the wall. She says that if Kira is low enough, she might be able to escape. Christine is basically offering to help Kira escape. Unfortunately, in a crack on the wall, Jacob Goodnight hears and sees all of this planning going on. Now hallway that leads to the kitchen, Christine tells Kira that she will wait outside to make sure that no one stops Kira’s escape. Now in the kitchen, Kira tries to pry open the window, but falls, causing a noise loud enough that Frank and Margaret hear it. Christine asks Kira if she is okay. Kira responds that she is just fine and tells her to just make sure to distract Frank. Christine goes to do what is asked of her, but she leaves Kira all alone as the kitchen’s dumbwaiter opens its doors. She originally thinks its Michael stalking her again, but that all changes when a lot of flies come out. She starts to run, but slips on glass. As she gets up, Jacob comes out of the dumbwaiter and throws his chain and hook. The hook latches onto Kira’s shoulder and Jacob drags her with him back into the dumbwaiter.

Christine, Frank, and Margaret arrive to see what is going on after hearing the screams, but they are too late as the doors have been closed. Frank asks Margaret what floors the device leads to, but Margaret can only answer every floor. When Frank tells Margaret to make sure everyone else is in their rooms, Christine tells Frank and Margaret that they went to party in the penthouse. As Margaret explains that is off limits, a chase to find the others begins. Frank tells Margaret to call 911 to get someone here immediately. Frank gets on the elevator and insists that Christine stay with Margaret, but she goes with him anyways. While on the elevator, blood starts dropping and as they look on the roof, they see blood on the ceiling.

Meanwhile in the hallways of the top floor, Michael uses his lead pipe to smash a few things while others are not happy with his actions. Now this is the biggest factual problem with this movie. If there was a fire that burned the penthouse, there would not be any electrical currents due to the wiring being destroyed. Basically, there would be no electricity. But low and behold there is electricity on the floor.

Frank and Christine have now just exited the elevator. During their search, they run into Tyrone who freaks out and is saying that some monster grabbed Richie. He said that he was huge and that he had a hole in his head. This immediately brings Frank to be shocked and say it’s the same guy who he thought he killed. Tyrone then adds things up and realizes that Frank was the one who shot that guy who plucked all those people’s eyeballs out. Christine, who still seems to be in the dark, asks what the hell this monster wants with Kira. Frank is unsure, but mentions that last time he killed all his victims except one and he was only keeping her because she had religious tattoos. Christine then tells Frank that Kira has religious tattoos. Frank tries to go after this monster alone, but Christine tells him that he can’t it alone. Frank won’t budge on this issue, but when he turns around the hook comes down and latches on to his throat, carrying him to the higher floor.

Christine and Tyrone try to save him, but they are too late as Frank falls down with both his eyeballs plucked out. Kane explained in the commentary that the reason they did this, as there was another script in which Frank survived, was because they thought keeping this central character alive was too predictable and wanted the feel that anyone of these characters could die Christine decides to grab the gun from Frank’s cold hands and continues her search for Kira with Tyrone not far behind. Back to the others, Michael has now broken the window and unlocked the doors that lead to the penthouse. They enter and if you notice one of those paintings, that is actually of Stephanie McMahon.

Stephanie McMahon Is Watching You!

Russell is amazed by the Stephanie painting, Zoe is wondering how it would be to clean this place, Michael thinks this would have been a classy joint in its day, and Melissa wonders how Michael would know anything about class. Zoe looks around and mentions that this place is disgusting. Meanwhile, on the other side of the mirror shelves in the room, Jacob is looking through a two way mirror on the unsuspecting foursome.

Zoe checks on her appearance when Michael tells her that it is time for the weed to be smoked. While smoking the weed, Zoe tells Michael that he could do better than Kira, which puts a grin on Michael’s face.

Unfortunately for Kira, she is on the other side with Jacob, tied and gagged as Zoe makes that statement. Melissa thinks she sees something through the mirror shelves, but Michael basically tells her it’s the weed talking. After that, Russell whispers something in Melissa’s ear, which causes her to smile. They both leave to probably make out while Zoe laughs that Melissa is happy. Melissa offers her to join them. This causes Zoe to laugh, but of course we know she declines.

However, on the other side, Jacob is touching Kira’s hair and necklace while Russell and Melissa head towards the seventh floor. Jacob lifts Kira over his shoulder and leaves the secret passage way. Jacob’s movement causes Kira to knock her head on the wall, knocking her out. Melissa and Russell enter the maid’s quarters and start to make out.

Meanwhile, in Jacob’s domain, Kira wakes up in the same cage that we saw Jacob locked in at the beginning of the movie.

She then sees the bodies of several victims. She then sees Richie out cold while tied to a ladder and tries to call out for him. She then sees Hannah’s dead body and is about be sick.

She screams for help, but no one comes except for one person comes. Unfortunately for her, its Jacob Goodnight, who stares at her for a while. That is until Richie wakes up.

When that happens, Jacob rips his eyes out of his head while he is still alive in front of Kira.

Back in the penthouse, Michael tries to hit on Zoe, but we see the true tease that she is by rejecting him and when she gets a call from her sister from the phone she stole from Hannah. She mocks Michael for ever being a boneheaded enough to believe that she would ever go out with him. Meanwhile, Jacob takes Kira to his showers and forces her to be clean, and we see Jacob’s mother do the exact same thing to him as a child. He touches her tattoos while bathing her in a creepy manor. Kane mentioned that this was very creepy towards Samantha Noble, the actress playing Kira. Meanwhile, while making out, Melissa and Russell unknowingly set off one of Jacob’s alarms so that he knows where they are. Here we get another continuity error as originally, the bell rings on the top row, but afterwards, it is on the bottom row. Anyways, this alarm stops Jacob from what he is doing and goes to kill Melissa and Russell. He chases them into a closet where Russell tries to lower Melissa down to the atrium via a hose. Melissa doesn’t get a few floors down before she is being pulled back up. She looks up and realizes that Jacob is now pulling the rope. She gets her foot caught on the loop and asks for Jacob to let her go. Unfortunately, Jacob obliges and she breaks through the glass of the atrium. She is hanging upside down as the stray dog from earlier comes back and licks the blood on the floor. Becoming really hungry, the dog and others rip her face, arms, and neck to pieces. We then see what happened to Russell as he was knocked out. Jacob goes over to him and takes his eyeballs out in a very graphic scene.

Back in the hallway, Zoe and Michael are looking for the elevator, but while Michael is doing all of the work, she is too busy talking on her cell phone. When they finally reached the elevator, they unfortunately run into Jacob who chases them through the hallways. Both of them hide in the same room, in different closets. Kane goes into the room and doesn’t find them. Unfortunately for the tease named Zoe, the cell phone rings and Jacob hears it from the hallway. He tracks the noise to the closet where she was hiding and finds her. Then in probably one of the better death scenes, he shoves the cell phone down her through forcing her to choke on it. Michael of course, doesn’t do anything and continues to hide. While this is going on, we get another montage of Jacob Goodnight’s past where he is in the cage and his mother is asking him if he looked at the magazines and saw the sin.
Christine and Tyrone unfortunately nearly shoot Michael. Back in Jacob’s room, he puts two more eyeballs in jars (obviously Zoe’s). In the hallway, Christine steps on a tripwire and the bells bring out Jacob. Jacob beats up Michael and chases Christine and Tyrone to his room. They find that Jacob has all the money on the wall revealing the safe was real. They try free Kira, but Jacob enters the room and they are forced to hide.

Jacob goes towards Kira’s cage and starts to rub his crotch. Yes, folks as you can see from the movie…Jacob Goodnight is masturbating. For the fans, I give you my solemn word that I will not be showing any masturbating. During this, we go back to scenes from his childhood where his mother is pissed that he is masturbating towards the magazines. His self arousal ends when he hears glass breaking. In another room, Tyrone is trying to bring out Jacob by breaking his jars of eyeballs before hiding. Jacob goes and sees what has happened to his jars and is furious. After some bad decisions, Tyrone is crushed against the wall by the safe. Meanwhile, Christine tries once again to free Kira from the cage, but has to hide when the door knob turns again. But unlike the last few times, it is not Jacob Goodnight, but instead Margaret comes in. For the folks who think she is going to release Kira from her cage….

You're Wrong
You see, Jacob has come in the room. Now if you think that she is going to be killed and have her eyeballs removed….

You're So Wrong.

Unfortunately, we find out that Margaret is in fact Jacob’s evil mom. Kira finds out that Margaret was only after Frank, who had hurt her son. She called Jacob the hand of god and had the troubled youths as a bonus. She is once again trying to get Jacob to kill Kira, but Jacob won’t. So Margaret decides to kill Kira herself. Unfortunately, Jacob stops her and after revisiting all things in the past, including a scene where Margaret rips out the eyeball of his first girlfriend and shows it to him, he says the only three words that he will say in this movie.

Jacob Goodnight: (nodding, sobs) ... I see it

He then throws Margaret into the T the wall so spikes impale her to death. It is there you see the missing T from the hotel…..so it wasn’t Big T after all. Sorry, Tony Norris.

You're Going Down! You're Going Down!

Jesus, I said I was sorry. He then opens the cage and takes Kira with him to another room. Christine grabs the gun left by Margaret and looks for Jacob and Kira. During the search, we see Kane rocking back and forth as if he is raping Kira, yet we don’t hear Kira at all. Christine goes to the master bedroom and looks at the bed with curtains. She decides to open the curtains. Oh, and if you think that you will find Jacob on the bed…

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong...Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong...You're wrong...You're Wrong...You're Wrong...

Instead, we find Kane on the couch and he isn’t raping Kira at all. Instead, he is holding her very tightly as he is rocking back and forth on the couch, staring at nothing. Christine points the gun in front of his face and close range and pulls the trigger.

Yes...Yes...She Got Him........No She Didnt

Yep, the gun was empty and that small empty click was enough to wake Jacob from his trance. Jacob is infuriated and grabs both Kira and Christine and starts trying to decide which one to kill. He decides to throw Kira down and tries to take the eyes off Christine. It seems that he will do the deed when out of nowhere; Michael comes in with the lead pipe and beats the smashes it over his head. He gets into another fight with Jacob where he finds an axe that came out of nowhere and swings on the back of Jacob’s leg. It’s a direct hit and it takes the big man down. He then grabs the lead pipe and hits Jacob on the back of the head with it. That hit causes maggots to come out of his head. For those of you who don’t understand why the maggots are there, Kane says in the commentary that in the novel version of this movie, it goes into detail that after getting shot in the head by Officer Frank and escaping, Jacob goes back to his mom and his mom gets a metal plate stuck in his head. Now this doctor is a good friend of the family, but is not a very good doctor and does a terrible job with the placement of the metal plate. Because of that, flies laid their eggs on his plate and hatch. That would explain why the flies are around him as well as the maggots on the head.

Anyway, a final battle commences in another room and with their combined efforts, they impale the pipe into Jacob’s left eye and throw him 9 floors down. While this all happens, you will know that the pipes hit several spots causing more pain to Jacob before he falls to his death. Before he completely reaches the floor, the pipe gets stuck on the roof and his head slides off it before hitting the ground, where several of his bones stab his heart. It is all CGI, but it is a pretty great way to see a monster die. After the hell that they experienced, they leave. But there is one question the girls ask Michael. Why did he come back with them? His answer is simple.
Michael: I didn’t want to walk out of here alone.

The movie ends with the title....or does it? Actually, if you wait a few minutes after the credits, you will see a scene where the lead stray dog comes out and pees on the corpse of Jacob Goodnight.

Okay, before I give my final thoughts, I have to say a few things.

1) With a killer momma’s boy, an evil mother, a small peep hole, shower scenes and the central character getting killed early, I don’t know, but I’ve seen this all somewhere before.

Oh Yeah.....

2) With several featurettes saying that Kane was hard to work with and didn’t make any friends, I really hope that is false because from what I have heard, Kane is probably one of the nicest guys on the wrestling roster. The fact that he was alone for all of the filming has to be WWE kayfabe. If not…

That Makes Me A Sad Panda.

3) This was actually the best the WWE has done so far and I am including No Holds Barred. The Marine was supposedly worse and the fact that Kane was more viewed in theaters than WWE Champion and one of Vince’s prize wrestlers, John Cena has to say something. Unfortunately, as far as Vince is concerned, it says nothing.

Okay, on my final thoughts. Even though I said this was the best the WWE had done in films, it still sucks. When you try to say your monster is better than other monsters, please back it up for god sakes. As an Entertainment Tonight reviewer said on what the WWE made Kane. They said they made Kane look like this.

Also, if you want to hire a director, please hire a director with actual horror experience and not some schmuck who directs music videos and adult movies. Oh, and please explain in good enough detail what is going on. I swear if it wasn’t for listening to Kane’s DVD Commentary while watching the movie again, I would be confused by some of the ideas. If a book that came later is more detailed than the movie it is based off of, that isn’t a good thing. And one more thing, think about this….if you can’t make Kane into a convincing monster in a movie, you really shouldn’t be making a movie to begin with. How do you screw that up?

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