Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Anaconda (1997)

Monster Crap Inductee: Anaconda
The Odor Will Take Your Breath Away

Folks, sometimes you originally make a bad decision to consider a movie great and then after you watch it again, you see the crap for what it truly is. That is the case with this week’s induction in Anaconda. The first time I saw this movie was with my mom at a movie theater in 1997. I originally loved this movie even though my mom hated it, but my mom hates movies sometimes for very stupid reasons. For example, my mom hates the movie Castaway because she never figured out what was in that damn box with the angel wings on it. This is of course another movie she hated for a stupid reason, but I will explain that reason later on.

But just because I ridicule my mom for her judgments, I must ridicule my own judgments as to the fact that I originally liked this movie. I must ridicule myself because this was during a time where any monster movie was cool with me. In fact, I liked Godzilla vs. Megalon still at this time. So I’m sure you can understand that even I make mistakes on what movie is good and what movie is bad. However, at this point, I have changed for the better and have come to realize that this movie sucks.

But even though this movie sucks, you would have to admit that if you wanted to do one bad movie in your life-time; this might be one of those movies. Just look at the cast in Jennifer Lopez….

Ice Cube…..

John Voight….

Owen Wilson….

Among others. And this was before these people were huge. That has got to be a good way to suck. However, this is Monster Crap and on this site, you still suck and with continuity errors, inaccuracies in facts, and things you can see real easily makes this movie a member of the Monster Crap Hall of Shame. So let’s begin this review.

We begin this movie with some language that must have been from an encyclopedia or something. I am not even going to bother repeating it. After that, we get the opening credits with a motion picture tour of the Amazon Rainforest. We then go to a boat where a poacher is trying to call for help.

It's Danny Trejo
Unfortunately, it seems that all the animals he has captured are getting riled up. He goes to defend himself from the gigantic intruder; however….the monster decides to enter through the floor. This surprise forces the poacher to go to the very top of his boat. All the while trying to shoot whatever is after him. When he gets to the top where he can’t go any further, he is surrounded by the monster. Knowing his time is up; the poacher takes his pistol and blows his brains out.

After that interesting scene we go somewhere else deep in the Amazonian part of Brazil called Ariau Jungle Hotel. How do we know this you might ask? Simple. It says so in print. Inside a room, we see the beautiful Jennifer Lopez in a nightgown. She is playing as documentary director Terri Flores. They originally wanted to call her Terri Porter; however they didn’t want to confuse her with a basketball player named Terry Porter. She is researching about the natives of the Amazon rainforest when she gets a knock on the door and she meets Prof. Cale, played by Eric Stoltz. They talk about a mysterious tribe they are looking for. Of course, just by the looks these two have, they were a couple at one point.

Its daylight now and Terri is met by her cameraman Danny, who is played by Ice Cube. We see they have a good friendship and when he sees Dr. Cale, he makes a remark that this must be a pleasure cruise as well. Of course, Dr. Cale is trying to talk to the boat sailor Mateo. Mateo doesn’t really listen, but does listen when Terri starts giving him directions. Dr. Cale and Terri are talking about where the narrator of their documentary is at, but their question is answered when we hear him yelling at a servant to be careful with his bags. The narrator of course is Warren Westridge, played by Jonathan Hyde. Warren is definitely an elitist who looks down on almost everyone. He tries to get the production manager Denise Kalberg (played by Kari Wuhrer) to carry his bags. She states her position and of course, Warren states that since she is that position, maybe she could manage his suitcases up to his room. She of course doesn’t do anything. He introduces himself to Terri, but of course doesn’t really care to speak much to her. When Mateo says they are about to leave, Dr. Cale makes sure that everyone is on board and hopefully, he adds that he hopes nobody forgot their bug spray.

We of course hear Warren’s narration and explain that the crew is searching for the lost tribe known as the Shiri Shama Tribe. Meanwhile, Gary Dixon (played by Owen Wilson) tries to hit on Denise, but she is too busy with her work to care. The monkeys try to warn the crew of the incoming danger, but you can see wires tethered in leaves. It starts to rain and during this storm; they see a man, played by Jon Voight, stranded on a nearby tree. They help him out and he introduces himself as Sarone. Now when you look at Jon Voight in this film, you might want to notice that he might be the ugliest man in the world. I know by just looking at him myself, I fail to see how his genes helped create Angelina Jolie.

Yeah.....Don't See How This Can Happen

Anyways, there is a glance between Sarone and Mateo that tells you these two have met in the past. On a clear day, Sarone helps catch a fish using a spear to the amusement of the rest of the crew. He then chops up the fish and introduces his history as being from Paraguay and being a former priest. He says that his new profession is a snake catcher. When they talk about the Shiri Shama tribe, he says that he has seen them before and has no problem showing them where he saw them. He calls Denise baby bird for some reason, but I guess he finds her cute. Its night and we see Denise dancing to some reggae music while Danny smokes a cigar. Dr. Cale and Terri look at the sky and see a lot of fireflies. During all of this, Dr. Cale is telling Terri how to tell the difference between male fireflies and female fireflies. In this scene, if you look hard enough, you can see the lingerie strap and then it magically disappears. They kiss signifying they are back together. Meanwhile, the monstrous anaconda stalks and kills a black panther.

At daylight, Warren is trying to play golf, while Danny listens to some rap music. This causes a distraction for Warren and he tries to turn the stereo down. Danny isn’t having that and threatens to kill him. Terri asks Sarone if they are close and he says they are. When Sarone talks about a legendary path, Dr. Cale destroys it by telling him that it wasn’t the Shiri Shama, but the Mocco Tribe. Sarone tries to make up for his story, but Dr. Cale ignores him and decides on his own path. Sarone is not happy about being ignored and makes his unhappiness known.

Its night again and the folks are relaxing. Denise and Gary decide to go in the forest and listen to animal noises. However, that soon turns into these two deciding to make out. Unfortunately, the make out scene is interrupted by something chasing them through the forest.

Sarone is in the forest and shoots into the camera. The shot is heard by the crew and they flash the light at him. He reveals that he killed a boar and saved the two lovebirds. Dr. Cale decides that no one should leave again. Sarone agrees and has Mateo help him cut up the boar so there can be food for a week. This of course makes Ice Cube wonder about it being food.

We move to the next day. Warren now has his choice of music and its classical music. Unfortunately, the rope gets caught in the propeller and if you can see where Sarone is standing, you can surmise that he had something to do with it. Sarone suggests he takes care of it, but Dr. Cale is cocky as to think he is invincible that he decides to cut the rope himself. He gets on the scuba gear given to him by Sarone and goes into the water. While in the water, Dr. Cale is about to cut the rope when something happens that causes him to lose breathing. The crew is forced to save him and we find out that he has a wasp in his throat. Now I wonder how that happened.

Sarone and Mateo have to make stab his neck so he can breathe and they reveal that he is okay. They decide take him to the hospital, but Sarone decides that he uses the same path as a quicker way. They go along with the plan. At night, you can kind of see the evil that is in Sarone.

The next day, they are stopped by a damn. Sarone decides to blow it up with dynamite with the help of Gary. They blow it up and the place is raining snakes. It is also at this film is no longer shot in the Amazon because most of the crew has a fear for snakes.

Also, another problem is created when the barrels of fuel go overboard and supposedly sink. Now a factual error here is those cans would not sink, but float. But they say the barrels sink to continue the storyline.

Meanwhile, in the afternoon, we check in on Dr. Cale and see that nothing has improved or gotten worse. The crew’s boat sees the boat that once belonged to the poacher. Sarone decides to take Mateo and Danny with him to see if the boat has fuel. Another mistake is seen when Danny gets up on the boat after swimming, we see he is not wet. Of course there is no way that is happening. Of course while on the boat, they don’t find any fuel, but Sarone has Danny help him with a giant case. Mateo tries to follow, but is attacked and killed by the anaconda. During that scene, we see another error in shot. We see in certain shots that his hair is down and in other shots; we see his hair pulled back. They spend a night trying to see if Mateo is still alive, but get the impression after sunrise that he is gone.

However, before this scene, Sarone reveals what is in the case…..snake skin. He tries to convince them that Mateo is dead. Terri tries to say that snakes don’t eat people. Sarone responds by showing a scar on his face. Sarone also tries to convince the crew to try and capture the giant anaconda, but no one will listen to him. However, there is one person who likes the idea of capturing a giant anaconda and that one man is Gary. With Gary’s help, Sarone plans to take control of the ship and crew.

At mourning after revealing that Mateo is still gone, Sarone puts his plan into action by shooting and killing a monkey. After capturing the killed monkey, he reveals his plan to catch the snake to the crew. Gary reveals himself as a traitor trying to convince the crew with thoughts of money. He is helped of course by the fact that Sarone has a pistol. At nightfall, the snake hunting begins. The snake grabs the bait and a struggle begins. The snake escapes with the bait, but comes back up and regurgitates the monkey. The problem is you can so tell that monkey is rubber. Now, during this whole struggle, why no one is filming this is beyond me. The snake knocks Denise into the water and Gary tries to save her. Denise is able to get back on the boat, but Gary is not so lucky. Terri tries to save Gary by shooting the snake in the head with a shotgun, but Sarone stops her which allows the snake to get away with a dead Gary.

Goodbye Gary, You Gullible Dumbass

All the while, Denise is sad that she lost Gary. Sarone decides to continue to tomorrow, uncaring of what happened.

Sarone decides that Warren is his new servant and with much hesitation, he does the deeds. At the bottom of the boat, we see the snake has completely eaten Gary. After that scene, Terri tries to seduce Sarone in an act I’m sure repulses J-Lo years later. However, after seeing Danny try to sneak up on him, Sarone struggles to keep control. Unfortunately, he would lose it when Warren hits him over the head with a golf club. After that, he comes up with probably one of the two best lines in this whole movie.

Warren Westridge: Asshole in one.

Its daylight now and we see that Sarone has been tied up. Terri shows him a news article of him with Mateo and the poacher, saying that he set this whole thing up. Sarone smiles and said that she forgot to mention the wasp in Dr. Cale’s gear. That gains him a punch in the face by Terri. He is still smug about the whole thing as Terri consoles Denise. Back in the room, we see Terri trying to care for Dr. Cale once again. On the bridge of the boat, Warren teaches Danny how to drive the boat, who is smiling. They make jokes of the struggles and perks of being home. They reach the waterfall, but unfortunately they get caught on something again. Danny decides that they need to wench themselves loose. Warren and Terri decide to help Danny in this plan. However, they leave Denise on the boat with Sarone and she plans to kill him. She has a dagger and when she is about to do the deed, Sarone comes up with the other best line in this movie.

Paul Sarone: Never look into the eyes of someone you kill, they will haunt you forever. I know.

After that quote, he grabs her with his legs and strangles her to death

He's Got Legs And He Knows How To Use Them

After kicking her overboard, he grabs the night with his feet and cuts himself loose. Unfortunately, the snake is also in the area and he goes to attack Danny and Terri, but Warren distracts the snake. Warren climbs to the waterfall and decides to hide behind it.

The snake sees him and Warren tries to make a last ditch effort to save himself by diving off waterfall, but the snake is on a tree and catches his face. Meanwhile, back on the boat, Sarone struggles to regain control of the boat, stabbing Danny in the leg in the process. The struggle continues with now the snake being involved. Terri uses the shotgun to kill the snake. Problem here is that gun normally cycles and it didn’t cycle while she was firing.

Sarone is pissed that his snake is dead and tries to kill Danny and Terri, but out of no where, Dr. Cale knocks him out with a tranquilizer dart and goes back down. Sarone falls into the river, but it is revealed the dart came out of his back. Another error is made in this movie as the leave the waterfall scene. We see the waterfall is flowing upwards instead of downwards. I guess they needed to pay the water bill and keep the taxes fine and dandy.

While sailing, they find a nearby house. They enter the house, but are ambushed by Sarone who knocks them both out. Terri and Danny wake up to find themselves tied up in snake skin.

Sarone has a bucket of monkey blood and decides to splash it on them. Now another mistake is seen here. Before the blood touches them, they are already in stained clothes and the blood causes no new stains. The reason for the blood is there is another giant anaconda. If you had listened to the story about the pathway that Sarone wanted to go on, you would hear of two giant anacondas.

Of course here comes the second anaconda and is about to kill Terri and Danny when Sarone captures the snake using a net. The snake of course breaks free and decides to kill Sarone.

He does and gobbles him up. Unfortunately, we find another mistake of they changed the item used to tie Terri and Danny up. It is now turned from snake skin into duct tape. The snake turns his attention towards Danny and Terri. After knocking Danny out, the anaconda goes after Terri. Terri is cornered in a room with tons of snakes and you can probably tell that J-Lo was probably one of the crew members who was afraid of snakes. The snake regurgitates Sarone and we see Sarone’s body come out and is filled with fake puke. We then see Sarone wink after supposedly being dead. Nothing comes out of that scene; they just thought it would be funny if he winked for no reason. The snake continues his chase of Terri as Danny helps keep the snake at bay by stabbing it with a pick axe. In the chimney, Terri barely escapes allowing an explosion set up by Danny burns the snake. Of course, after that this movie should be over, Right?

Wrong. The snake somehow survived and is making one last effort to kill Terri. Unfortunately, Danny saves the day by coming in with axe and killing the snake once and for all. After this, they go back to the boat as Terri sees Dr. Cale awake. They then find the Shiri Shama and film their discovery. They discover that Sarone was right all along, which kind of makes you feel bad that he died. And thus we end the movie with the survivors going to the Amazon at sunset.

Now before I give you my thoughts, I must give you the info on why my mom hated this movie. She hated the movie because, and I quote, it was racist.

No….I kid you not. She said that because Danny saved Terri’s hide so many times and did not get the girl at the end over Eric Stoltz, who is white. Now, even though she is my mom, I have to say publicly that the statement saying this movie was racist is moronic. Even my dad, after hearing this statement, said she was a moron.

Now I have a huge problem with the plot because while I may not be a map genius myself. I know when a certain path this movie takes is damn near impossible. Now, I can’t explain it in words how stupid the directions are, but I can say watch the movie and try to figure out the whole map thing. It will confuse you to no end.

Now, I need to say there are some good things this movie came of. This movie, as crappy as it was, has given people huge starring roles. Jennifer Lopez, while being nominated for an Academy Award for her role as Selena, had this movie really get her to the main star status. Ice Cube would use this along with the Friday series to be considered a great actor. Owen Wilson is now a huge actor in a lot of comedies. Jon Voight would go on to more villainous roles and roles as historical figures. He played a very good Howard Cosell (my idol) in the movie Ali. Eric Stoltz is a good B movie actor. Like I said in the beginning, you couldn’t ask for a better movie to suck at.

Plus, if you thought this movie sucked....then you will really hate the three sequels to this film that also came out because they are worse.

And thus comes my final thoughts. This movie sucks and I can’t make any way of sugar coating that. It is a bad movie and is deserving of induction. Now that we have inducted two of the worse snake movies around, I guess Indiana Jones said it best in his films.

Snakes. Why'd It Have To Be Snakes. I Hate Snakes.

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