Thursday, September 24, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Alone In The Dark (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Alone In The Dark
Just Turn On The Damn Lights

For those who have not been keeping up, 6 inductions ago….I inducted a movie known as House of the Dead and literally ripped the director a new one. That director was known as Uwe Boll and I questioned how he was able to get not only the rights to create horrible movies, but how was he able to get the people he wanted to do these crappy movies. You may have said, He didn’t have anyone big in House of the Dead. And I say to you, you would be correct in that assumption. However, a year later, he was able to get Christian Slater and Tara Reid (two wash ups who were huge at one point) to act in his next movie, Alone In The Dark.

Now, for those of you who did not know this (me being one of them even though I am a video game buff), Alone In The Dark was a successful video game. In fact, the game was able to make many sequels so there were many storylines to go by. However, like House of the Dead, Uwe Boll decided to create his own story using the name Alone In The Dark. I will say this once again to Uwe Boll; video games don’t need a new storyline because the successful ones always have had a very interesting storyline. Once again, when you decide to create a new storyline, you not only run the risk of people not understanding your plot, but you definitely will piss off the people who loved that game by insulting their intelligence. Once again Uwe, you have done both. One day I would like to talk to Uwe and tell him that straight to his face.

But enough of another rant against the Hollywood version of Loki, the Norse God of Tricks and Lies, let’s get on with the induction of Alone In The Dark.

We start the movie off with a long text introduction that tells us that in 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American Civilization, The Abkani. I don’t know if this is true or not (turns out it was false), but who cares. Anyway, it basically mentions that the Abkani let loose a bunch of evil and dark creatures by accident and for that mistake, they all vanished (like the Mayans....except the part of the dark creatures). These creatures hide in total darkness and wait for the gates to be opened once again. It also mentions that Bureau 713, government paranormal agency was tasked with finding out more about these creatures. This project on the creatures was shut down; however its leader, Lionel Hudgens would not stop the research. He conducted horrendous experiments on orphaned children, turning them into monsters. Those surviving human experiments are known as sleepers.

We begin with a runaway child who had escaped from these evil hiding in a giant electrical fusebox.

Suprisingly, The Kid Was Not Electricuted.

We learn that the escaped child grew up to become Christian Slater’s character, Edward Carnby. He is on an airplane where he scares a child into being afraid of the dark. He explains his actions in a narrative.
We Also Get A Taxi Ride During This.

Edward Carnby gets attacked by a man who was one of the experiments. The experiment is charged with killing him by Hudgens. He fails and now Edward knows more about his suspicions.
We then are introduced to Aline Cedrac (played by Tara Reid), who works for a under Hudgens.

Yeah.....Like That Is Believable, Ha!!!!

She does not know about Dr. Hudgens evil plans. We go back to Edward who is walking down an alley and…, he doesn’t get attacked by Cryme Tyme.

Though That Would Have Been Off The Chain...Yeah, I Should Stop Trying To Do Street Lingo

He just goes back to his hideout, where he keeps tons of Abkani artifacts. Meanwhile, on a boat, Hudgens and some sailors find a big Abkani crate. The sailors turn on Hudgens and try to steal what is inside. They open the crate and all of the former experiments become hypnotized. The dumb sailors who opened the crate are killed in a savage way. The crate happens to have had a creature in it. Edward receives a call where he finds out about the disappearance of former Hudgens experiments.

We find out that he was also a former member of Bureau 713. He left the organization because he wanted to know more and he knew he couldn’t do that in the organization. Carnby then meets with Cedrac and we find out that the two were boyfriend and girlfriend at one time. The bad meeting is interrupted by an attack by the dark creatures who hate light. A security guard is dispatched for getting in the way and probably because to the creatures, its fun.

We learn also that these creatures are afraid of the light because they are invisible and cant attack in the light.

They are rescued by Bureau 713, who comes in and chases the creature out. We then learn that Carnby was up for a promotion, a promotion given to a friend of his, Burke (played by Stephen Doriff). Doriff, for those of you who don’t know, is one the big young actors who got his big break in a movie called Deuces Wild. For more information, go to In a fight with Burke, Carnby secretly steals his ID and is informed more about the creatures by his good friend, Agent Phish.

We learn that Hudgens is back and hiding a dark creature in his lab. He injects himself with some of the blood from the dark creature. The dark creatures, we learn, are called Xenos. We are then forced to watch a love scene between Edward and Aline, with background music performed by some crappy bilingual duet. During this, Agent Phish is attacked by Hudgens and turned into a Xenos at his home. Edwards and Aline are attacked by several Xenos and sleepers, who are also former friends of his in the orphanage. This attack also receives background music from some guy who sounds like Rob Zombie.

Bureau 713 once again comes to the rescue. Burke believes that Carnby is now a Xenos, but is disproven when Carnby saves him from a creature. Several members of 713 are killed in this battle.

We then get the final battle at an abandoned gold mine.We find out that the Xenos are led by Hudgens. This final battle has many killed (both Xenos and humans). During this final battle, we find out that the abandoned gold mine is a secret place. They blow a wall that is blocking the way and find out the secret labs that were used by Hudgens to make his inhuman experiments. They also find a doorway. Hudgens comes in and holds up the team with a rifle.

He grabs the key and opens the door. During this, he is stabbed by Burke with a knife while he is not looking.. The team decides to blow the door to smithereens, closing it once and for all. Burke sacrifices himself by going back after the detonator on the bomb wouldn’t work. He blows it up manually and closes the doorway forever.

The city is evacuated because of the battle and this crappy movie ends with Edward and Aline walking on the empty streets until they were obviously attacked.

The acting is really bad and unenthusiastic. Tara Reid shows she has no real talent other than looking pretty. Stephen Doriff looks like he is uninspired by his role, probably knowing that the movie sucked and just trying to take the money and run. And Christian Slater looks like he is a drunken zombie with his acting. Actually, scratch that; Christian Slater is a drunken zombie.

Separated At Birth???

He is a man who beats women and is basically a has-been. After this movie bombed, Uwe Boll was asked what he learned for this experience. He said that a script matters (Nah….really?). I would love to believe that Uwe Boll truly has learned from his experiences with House of the Dead and Alone In The Dark…but I have my doubts.

No…scratch that. I don’t have any doubts. He has learned nothing.

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