For
Gus Richlen’s second film this summer, he decided to bring me the return of an
Asylum series….
No…..Thankfully
Not That One. There Isn’t No Third Film Of That. But
instead, we get the return of the Mega Shark and no one from the first film is
gonna come back except for that Mega Shark. Now you all know the killer animal,
but we need to talk about the cast and the director. First, let’s talk about
the director Christopher Ray and if you remember my last induction, he is the
son of Fred Olen Ray, who we have covered on this site four times with Attack
of the 60 Foot Centerfold, Teenage Cavegirl, Bikini Jones and the Temple Of
Eros, and Ghost in a Teeny Bikini.
Oh,
We’ll Get More Of Your Films On This Site As He Has A Treasure Trove Of Crap I
Have Not Covered Yet And Like Roger Corman And Jim Wynorksi, I Don’t Know If I
Will Ever Be Able To Cover Every Bad Movie With A Monster This Man Has Done. But
let’s talk about his son Christopher here. He was born to Fred’s first wife (I
believe as it is either that or his second wife) and if you know Fred or
Hollywood, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Fred completely supported
his son entering the film industry if that is what he really wanted to do. In
fact, he was an associate producer for Chris’ first directorial film in
Reptisaurus which is also an Asylum film. But of course that is to get his
son’s foot in the door as a director and Fred won’t be producing here. So this
is Chris’s first film without his father’s involvement. So
in the first film, we had Debbie Gibson as the star and this time, we have
Jaleel White aka Steve Urkel.
To
be fair, he was also the original voice actor for Sonic The Hedgehog in two fun
cartoons and one cartoon that I don’t think anyone will want to talk about. And
after his 15 minutes of fame was done, he actually did not go downhill like
many child stars did as he went to college and had a kid. However, at this
point, he was kind of tired of Steve Urkel. So of course, Asylum was
willing to pay him good money so here he is. Now
let’s talk about the people from Monster Crap past who are in this film and the
very first person to talk about is Robert Picardo.
Yep,
He Was Eddie Quest In 976-EVIL And Was In Munchies. We
also had Michael Gaglio (who was uncredited as a fisherman in Sharktopus), Tiffany
Cole (who was Derek) in Sharknado, Gregory Paul Smith (who was a Bongworld
Strip Club Patron in Evil Bong), and Willie R. Milloy (who played a background character
in Sharknado and will be doing the same in this film). Now
I know normally this would be the point where I start the movie, but there is
one more thing we need to talk about because to hype up this movie, Asylum
tried something to get their product known by viewers of the Super Bowl without
having to pay the millions of dollars needed to normally get a Super Bowl
commercial. You see every year, Doritos has a contest where you can make a
commercial for Doritos and they will show the winner on the Super Bowl and if
you finish in the Top 3, you will get prizes. This was Asylum’s efforts in that
regard.
But
alas, it didn’t win and it didn’t even finish in the Top 3. Now if you are
wondering which commercial won for that year Asylum tried to get some easy
promotion for their movie, it was this.
Now
we can talk about the actual movie. It
starts as most Asylum films start, with the credits.
Here
Is The Opening Title Card After
some stock shots of land, we find out that this is the Democratic Republic Of
Congo.
Sadly
No Killer Apes, Tim Curry, Or Ernie Hudson In This Movie Basically,
it is at a diamond mine where people are being put to work to collect diamonds.
One guy thinks he found a diamond and plans on keeping it instead of giving it
to the bosses, despite another worker’s pleas not to as the bosses may kill the
diamond horder. Unfortunately, he gets caught pretty easily and not only that,
the boss tells him that it isn’t even a diamond, but a shell of some kind. The
cave starts rumbling and people try to leave, but the boss shoots his gun in
the air and tells them that no one leaves. A roar is heard and the workers
decide to leave and risk getting shot. Luckily for them, the boss gets eaten.
The
Kill Happens Off Screen By The Way. The
Crocosaurus shows himself and he kills some of the workers too.
Like
This Guy, Who Gets Stepped On The
guy who was going to sneak what he thought was a diamond gets away and we then
cut to some footage of a battleship, the USS Gibson.
No
Real Battleship In The Navy Is Named That. The
captain can’t make heads or tails out of any of this whale or shark stuff so he
yells for Lt. Terry McCormick.
He
Does Not “Do That” He
tries to impress a girl who was sent to get him, but his project still has some
bugs to it. Oh and that girl he is trying to impress….is his girlfriend. She
tells him to meet her in two hours for some private time. He goes to the
captain and the captain (Cpt. Smalls) wants him to tell him what he sees with
the sonar readings. McCormick has no idea what it is as it is neither the usual
readings for whales or sharks of normal size. He wants to explore, but the
captain has no time and believes that it is a pod of whales and basically says
that “the shark is dead”. The shark they are talking about is of course the
Mega Shark, but McCormick believes that no one truly saw it die (except for the
audience of the last film). McCormick
tells his girlfriend that the giant shark is back based on what he saw from the
readings. She of course doesn’t believe him and she tells him to calm down as
it will be okay.
Oh,
You Are So Dead, Missy. She
still tells him to meet her in two hours to “relieve some stress” and after he
tells her he will be there, he takes equipment and gets ready to see if the
beast is really still alive. He sets up his stuff and decides he is not going
to meet with his girlfriend to have some naughty times. But he doesn’t have to
much time to put it in the water as the Mega Shark just pops out of the water
and jumps over the ship.
Mega
Shark: YES!!!!
I Free Willy’ed That Shit The
USS Gibson starts firing mortars at the beast, but they do no good. McCormick
looks for his girlfriend, but finds her dead.
McCormick
mourns her death and thinks it should have been him who died. But a guy drags
him away from her body. The Mega Shark starts destroying parts of the boat
while jumping and you get to see problems with the CGI scaling on this beast as
you wonder how big this beast is.
Is
It This Big
Or
This Big? The
shark destroys the ship.
Good
news for McCormick is he was able to get away thanks to a diving suit he found.
We
go back to the Democratic Republic of Congo as we have our Indiana Jones in
Nigel Putnam.
Turns
out Nigel is a monster hunter and he just killed a wild hog.
He
goes to a bar and after some small talk with the bartender, a woman in high
heels shows up, definitely not in her element.
I
Think She Got The Wrong Dress Attire For This Scene She
is here to ask him to deal with the monster that has been rampaging the mines.
He initially turns her down, but representing her company, the woman is willing
to double what he is being paid and triple it if the beast is captured.
Apparently, this beast (you know it’s the Crocosaurus) has killed 34 of the
company’s men and the workers won’t go back to work until they have assurances
that it is taken care of. He ultimately accepts. We
then see a CGI copter flying over the jungles of the Congo and they land in an
area that the lady thinks the creature is at. However, she really doesn’t want
to go through with this and decides to try and bribe Nigel with money so they
can just say it is a methane leak, but he declines, saying there is a creature
as we find out the lady is standing on a footprint.
How
Do You Miss That. They
go to the cave where the creature was last at and we see some body parts to let
you know that Asylum can do practical, but find it a lot easier to just do
crappy CGI. The woman recoils upon seeing the body parts and goes to a nearby
swamp and she comes across some regular crocodiles. And somehow she does not
realize that she is standing on the actual Crocosaurus.
Again,
How Do You Miss That??? And
she gets eaten…..offscreen.
Lame…. Nigel
runs and hides in a cave. Thankfully for him, this cave is too small for the
Crocosaurus to get into so he lives. He then does he dumb thing and run out of
the cave and gets eaten.
But
as soon as I say that, somehow the Crocosaurus just lets him go.
How
Is This Possible??? Also,
The Crocosaurus falls and it may be dead. We
then go to a warehouse where two guys get a call from Nigel. Nigel tells them
that he is coming by with the “captured” Crocosaurus. They don’t believe him,
but he proves them wrong by showing up with it.
Oh
Come On, Asylum….You Just Literally Just Photoshopped A Picture Of A Crocodile
Onto This Scene. They
say that Nigel using the boat to get this thing elsewhere will cost 50% and he
ultimately agrees so they go boating. We then go to Los Angeles.
We
are in an interrogation room as McCormick is being interrogated about what
happened on the USS Gibson. McCormick wants the data to the Mega Shark, but
another woman comes in and kicks the interrogator out.
She
reveals herself as Special Agent Hutchinson with the National Oceanic and
Atmospheric Administration. She wants him to join their elite group of
mercenaries that are here to kill the Mega Shark. He accepts as he feels
partially responsible for what happened to the USS Gibson and his girlfriend.
We then go to another ship that is in the Atlantic Ocean.
It
is of course the boat where the Crocosaurus (it isn’t dead, only tranquilized)
is and it turns out the Crocosaurus had eggs.
Nigel
and the boat captain have a conversation and Nigel says that all the
Crocosaurus was doing was protecting her nest. Unfortunately, the Mega Shark
decides to show up.
The
actions of the Mega Shark in rocking the boat causes the Crocosaurus to wake
up. The boat crew frees the Crocosaurus in hopes that the two beasts will fight
and leave the boat alone. We then go to the USS Lexington, which I guess is
nearby.
A
Name Of Several Ships, All Of Which Are No Longer At Sea A
copter lands and it is of course Hutchinson and McCormick. We are then
introduced to Admiral Calvin.
Hi,
Robert Picardo He
of course really wants to kill the creature so he can smoke a very expensive
cigar he bought, which he plans to do as celebration for killing the Mega
Shark. He welcomes both McCormick and Hutchinson to his ship. He says that
everyone here is dedicated to killing the Mega Shark and asks McCormick if he
understands that killing the Mega Shark must be his only purpose, which he says
yes to. He also wants to see McCormick’s experiment (a mechanized shark
repellant) in action so McCormick is sent to his new lab. Calvin then gets a
memo and tells Hutchinson that he has to send her out again as they got another
hit with that cargo ship, which there are survivors. At
a very small island, kids are putting sand on a recently washed up Nigel and an
old guy has to yell at the kids. Putnam also washed ashore with the guy he was
talking to about transporting the creature (whose name is Leon).
Nigel
wakes up and screws with the kids before letting them go. Leon then quits on
this mission. And if you are wondering where Nigel is going, it’s to the
nearest bar.
Hey,
After Surviving A Ship Wreck Due To A Monster, I Would Get A Drink Too. Unfortunately
he has no cash, but fortunately for him, Hutchinson arrives to recruit him. He
talks about the Crocosaurus and is forced to come with Hutchinson. He is an
asshole the whole way there.
Meanwhile,
McCormick likes his new lab.
Apparently,
the crew is aware there is another monster thanks to the readings on the
attacks. We then get a scene where the Crocosaurus kills a random fisherman.
Don’t
Make Her Pull Over This Helicopter To Smack You Two Around They
go on the island beach. As Terry sets up the sonar, Nigel and Hutchinson go
into the cave to check on the eggs. They don’t find the eggs there, but when
they go back….they see that there are a bunch of eggs underwater. Terry then
gives Nigel some headphones and asks what he hears. Putnam basically tells him
that the eggs have either hatched or are hatching based on the chirping. They
then see the Mega Shark nearby.
Hutchinson
wants to have the coordinates so the ship can launch an offensive on the two
monsters, but Putnam doesn’t want them to destroy the eggs, obviously seeing
money in them. She yells at him about this being a threat to national security
so damn him and his plans to make money off the eggs. But the arguments kind of
end as they have to get away as the Mega Shark is eating the eggs.
This
pisses off the Crocosaurus who busts through a cliff like the Kool-Aid Man.
Oh
Yeah!!! Planes
are sent to the location and they fire missiles at the two monsters.
Unfortunately, they destroy some eggs so now the Crocosaurus is pissed off at
them as well as the Mega Shark. Both Nigel and Terry agree that they need to
attack the two monsters instead of the eggs and warn people nearby to evacuate
so they can avoid the two monsters. Calvin says they have already started the
evacuation and the National Guard is the lead on that. We then learn the
Crocosaurus is heading to Miami and the Mega Shark is gonna have to deal with a
submarine in the USS Reliant.
Actual
Submarine That Is Still At Sea The
Reliant shoots a torpedo, but the Mega Shark grabs it with his mouth and jumps
to throw it away.
Meanwhile,
the Crocosaurus is destroying Miami.
Destroying
A Place With The Japanese Poster For The First Movie Terry
says that they need to find a way to drive the Crocosaurus back home.
Meanwhile, we have a reporter who is covering the Crocosaurus on a helicopter.
And
the Crocosaurus immediately destroys the helicopter.
Aww
Man…. Terry
then comes up with an arc flash with about a thousand amps or more will have
enough electrical force that it will drive back the Crocosaurus. And to do so,
they need to get to the Turkey Point Nuclear Facility, which isn’t that far
away. Basically they need to create an arc flash with a nuclear reactor.
Hutchinson says she will call ahead to prepare for their arrival. And they
better do it soon as the tanks and fighter planes are doing nothing to the
Crocosaurus. Apparently,
they called ahead to Calvin who says to call the Turkey Point Nuclear Facility
now. We immediately go there.
One
of the guys under Calvin (named CQO Butowski) calls Turkey Point to get them to
do an arc flash. The guy at the facility says he doesn’t think they can do that
and Butowski that this is a direct order from the Chief of Naval Operations to
do it so he better fucking do it. Also the arc flash needs to hit Orlando,
while the creature is in Miami.
Yeah…I
Think That’s A Pretty Huge Miss. So
then we go to Orlando
And
we go to Sea World….or Mega Park in this case.
It’s
Freaking Sea World….And Yes, This Is Way Before Blackfish Ever Aired And
nevermind as apparently the Crocosaurus got pretty quickly to Orlando pretty
quickly.
And
Eats A Few Orcas.
Once
Again, I Would Have To Point To How Far Miami Is From Orlando So Even With The
Speed Of This Beast, It Would Take At Least A Day For The Crocosaurus To Get To
Orlando. The
arc flash is ready and it is fired.
And
it does…..absolutely nothing. So they do it again. And this time, it finally
turns around.
And
Goes Into Water That Definitely Isn’t The Ocean. Though If It Is In Orlando,
There Is No Ocean There. Back
at the Lexington, Hutchinson, Terry, and Nigel are back talking with Admiral
Calvin and the two creatures are still a distance apart. Nigel wants one of the
Crocosaurus eggs to dissect so we can know how to deal with the Crocosaurus and
Calvin says some of them are on the USNS Invincible which should be on their
way.
A
Real Name For A Ship…..But That Ship Isn’t A Submarine On
that sub, a scientist is looking at one of the eggs and it’s about to hatch.
But that doesn’t matter as the Mega Shark decides to chomp on the sub.
Helicopters
have two more eggs and the Mega Shark eats them as well….offscreen. Apparently,
we find out that the eggs may be a lure as the shark likes eating them. Nigel
suggests they use any other eggs they find to the Panama Canal as it will
attract both the hungry Mega Shark and the protective mommy Crocosaurus. Terry
thinks it is a bad idea since anything can happen and it is too close to
civilization. But Nigel is insistent that this will work and Calvin ultimately
gives the order to bring any other eggs to the Panama Canal, which by the way
the Panamanian government owns so you will need to get their okay for this
idea. Calvin
tells Terry to bring his balls to the canals (which last I checked were
repellants) since they don’t have any eggs right now as he is going to tell the
president that they are going to blow up international waters. Basically, the
balls are being reworked to now be luring the creature in instead of repelling
them and of course, Terry doesn’t even know it will work. But nevermind as
Nigel knows where he can get some actual eggs, which is where his ship went
down. Calvin sends the USS Argonaut to get the eggs.
Real
Name For An Actual Submarine, But That Sub Was Sold To Canada And Is Now The
HMCS Rainbow The
USS Argonaut goes to get the eggs and they find them, so they send divers to go
get the eggs. Meanwhile at the canal, Terry McCormick tries to rework his
repellants into lures to attract both the Mega Shark and the Crocosaurus. But
he is stopped because he won’t need to since the Argonaut got the eggs, put
them on copters, and those copters have put the eggs in the water.
There
Are A Few Other Copters With Eggs As Well As This One Terry
then decides he wants to use his machine now and says to let him lower his
machines to try and get them together, even though they aren’t needed. However,
Hutchinson is thinking smart and tells them that they just need to capture the
creatures and bomb the hell out of the place. And we hear from Butowski and
Calvin that the Mega Shark and Crocosaurus are on their way, as planned. The
Mega Shark destroys a few more ships on his way. With both animals now in the
Panama Canal, we finally get the fight this title has hyped us up for.
Or
Playing “Whose Tail Will Be Ripped Off First”, Who Knows? Both
creatures cause a tsunami in the middle of their fight and the area around the
Panama Canal is completely flooded.
Did
I Do That???? The
two continue the fight as all of Panama is now underwater just like Atlantis.
Also, with Asylum movies, shots of the monsters fighting are used multiple
times to pad out the film. Meanwhile, both Nigel and Terry believe the
Crocosaurus laid hundreds of eggs, most of which the Mega Shark has eaten. A
woman on the USS Lexington has found thousands of Crocosaurus eggs that the
Mega Shark has not eaten yet so of course, they have to be destroyed before
they hatch. Unfortunately some of the eggs are already hatching off….
Oh
Come The Fuck On Asylum!!!! That’s Bullshit And You Know It. So
now there are a bunch of baby Crocosaurus in Southern California.
They
May Be Hard To See Due To The Water Color….But They Are There They
have attacked the Santa Monica pier and the USS Carter (a nuclear sub that
actually freaking exists and is at sea today) wants to know what to do, since
they are following the creatures. But they are heading to a seismically active
area and if the babies get there, the sub cannot follow. Oh and all of this is
told to us via dialogue and not shown at all because why would we have time to
do that. Hutchinson then just says that the Mega Shark is heading to Hawaii so
yes, apparently the Mega Shark also has speed that would make shark from Jaws:
The Revenge blush.
Aww
Man, It Took Me Several Days To Get From Massachusetts To Bermuda. Also,
this means that whole Panama plan basically amounted to….
Absolutely
Nothing Calvin
has no problem with all this news as he plans to nuke the creatures to kingdom
come. Oh and we see the Mega Shark is heading to Hawaii while chasing the
Crocosaurus.
Jeez….Someone
Might Have Wanted To Explain That
Oh
And The USS Carter Is Chasing Them. The
USS Carter fires on the Mega Shark.
And
Misses. Terry
says they need to stop shooting and missing because if one of those nuclear
missiles hit a volcano, all of Hawaii is destroyed.
Yeah,
Let’s Not Make Stitch Sad Oh
and the USS Carter loses the Mega Shark. Of course, the Mega Shark doesn’t lose
them as he nearly eats the sub (it missed to). Terry says that the engines need
to be turned off so the shark won’t be unable to track their electrical
activity. And if you are wondering if this works?
Of
Course Not, The USS Carter Is Swallowed Whole Because
of this, Nigel nicely puts that the Mega Shark “just went nuclear”. Back to
Terry and Nigel arguing and then they go to the helicopter where they don’t
argue. Oh and there are Crocosaurus eggs in Hawaii so the creatures are there
attacking Hawaii. The helicopter gets attacked by one Crocosaurus and has to
make an emergency landing on the beach.
Terry
Can’t See This Of Course Nigel
kills it and the two dive away from explosion.
More
fighting between the many Crocosaurus and the one Mega Shark occurs, although
it is hard to see. Nigel and Terry get on a inflatable raft with an engine that
is just there and they go out to sea to try and lure the creatures away from
the shore line. Also they are going to blow up a volcano to kill them. Oh and
Calvin is so upset about Hutchinson’s helicopter going down that he crushes
that cigar he wanted to smoke so badly.
The
One Thing He Wanted To Do Once He Won And Now He Ruined It. And
finally, the device McCormick has been working so hard on…..finally works to
lure the creatures to them. Nigel senses the creatures are getting to close so
he books it out of there, which causes Terry to drop his lure near a underwater
volcano. Terry reveals he set a bomb on the device and is about to detonate.
The two men say that it was nice working with each other.
Just
Kiss You Two!!!!! Oh
and they then see that Hutchinson is still alive and has now got the helicopter
to fly again.
The
two get picked up at the beach while the Mega Shark and Crocosaurus are
fighting and the babies are just watching. The detonation goes off and the
monsters are destroyed.
Hutchinson
reports that the creatures are toast and everyone in the USS Lexington
celebrates. Calvin is still able to smoke part of that cigar he crushed and he
is happy.
Ahh….Sweet
Tobacco Glory And
with Hutchinson, Terry, and Nigel smiling, this mess is mercifully over…except
for a post credit scene. Nigel and Jean are hanging out where Nigel talks about
how he is going to Japan to deal with a giant lizard. Jean will be joining him
as long as there are no boats involved.
Thankfully
That Movie Was Never Made So
if you want to know how this movie did, you really shouldn’t bother with Asylum
as they are a straight to DVD company and will release things if they feel like
it. The Mega Shark has since been in two more battles (one with a Mecha Shark
and the other with Kolossus (a monster inspired by one of the titans in Attack
On Titan)). Nobody has really advanced their career since this film (except for
Sheaun McKinley (who played USS Carter Sonar Tech) who has since went on to be
Malcolm in the TV show known as The Neighborhood) and unlike the last induction
where everyone has freaking died, no cast or director has died since this film. Now
for my thoughts on the film and let’s just say I would rather watch Mega Shark
vs. Giant Octopus over Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. This film seems to be
extremely geographically challenged and for the most part seems to be a bore to
get through. I mean, the actors are fine in their roles, but there is nothing
for me to ultimately grab onto and enjoy except for the whole guess which ships
are still at sea, which ones no longer exists, which ones have been
decommissioned and which are made up. The whole Crocosaurus eggs subplot is
completely pointless and should have been cut from the film. Also, if something
happens, please show us instead of tell us. Lastly, stop having offsceen kills
because you are Asylum, dammit!!! Ultimately, this is a skip. So
what is next from Gus Richlen???
Oh
Goodie….More Sharks And As An Added Bonus, A Wild Stephen Baldwin Appears
