Monster Crap Inductee: Piñata: Survival Island
Not All Piñatas Give You Something Good
Not All Piñatas Give You Something Good
2002A few days ago, when I was going to induct this film, I had thought the film was called Survival Island. It seems I was close, but not entirely right. Instead, the movie went by an even more ridiculous name. Folks, I present to you Piñata: Survival Island.
Now when I first heard of this film, I originally thought this script must have been written by Vince Russo and Ed Ferrera. Sadly, I was incorrect
Pinata!! Pinata!! Pinata!!For those of you who haven’t figured this out yet, the monster is in fact a piñata. Now, why in the hell am I supposed to be afraid of something that can be broken so easily? I can not answer that question for you; just know that this was probably in the thought process of the filmmakers. I would add more, but I am at a complete loss of words for the completely moronic idea that a piñata would be compared to a shark or a crocodile in fear. So since I can’t do my usual rant before this film, I figure let’s just get this film over with.
We begin this film with a small short intro story about a small tribe in Central America being cursed by an evil spirit, who was causing famine and disease. They locked this spirit inside of a special piñata that looks kind of like something from a tiki bar. Now this piñata was made out of clay. Last I checked, piñatas were not made out of clay. They then sailed the piñata into the ocean. Wait a minute; this is supposed to be in the middle of Central America, not the shores. How the hell does a tribe go from the middle to the shores in a few minutes? The narrator then warns us that if the piñata is broken, the spirit would escape.
We then go to May 5, 2001 also known as Cinco de Mayo. We are watching a group of former frat and sorority members go to a small island on two small boats. We then find out that the characters of Kyle and Tina (played by Nicholas Brendan and Jaime Pressley) were once a couple and have just recently broken up, obviously on bad terms. The token black guy in this movie, Doug (played by Eugene Byrd), tends to stir things up by asking if he cheated on her or if she cheated on him. Now, I remember being told that guys don’t really talk about relationships ending and why they ended. Kyle doesn’t answer to either of those answers. Doug then decides that he needs to act like a true man and ask his friend if he can hit on his ex-girlfriend to which Kyle says do what you want. Jeez, you would think this guy would be more territorial, but no…..he doesn’t give a crap. After that, we get a small scene where Tina’s friend is asking her about Tina and Kyle to which Tina replies that Kyle has already made up his mind. That small scene is followed by the host Paul (played by Garrett Wang) and hostess Monica (played by Kasey Fallo) explaining about the game and the rules. We already get a complaint by a girl asking about the bathrooms. She complains when she learns that the bathrooms on this island are portable toilets. When she is criticized for her complaints by Doug, she tells Doug to bite her. Next thing you know, she’ll be asking Doug to eat her shorts, man. This little argument makes Monica inform the guests that there will be no sexual activities on this island without her. Somehow, it’s supposed to be funny, however it isn’t and it just makes her seem like a loose woman.
Now, at the picnic table, it’s mentioned that there are piñatas on this island with a selection of beverages and the team with the most underwear wins. You don’t get the underwear part yet? Well….there is supposedly a lot of men’s and women’s underwear hidden on the island. This is supposed to be a scavenger hunt. But what is any scavenger hunt without a set of trivia (don’t ask me, I didn’t write this script). The first question is about the day Cinco de Mayo and they ask what it symbolizes. Some moron shouts out May 5th to which they say that is what it means in Spanish, but not what it symbolizes. Another says an excuse to party (Damn unintelligent drunk teenagers). Then some girl in glasses asks if that is when Evita died.
We begin this film with a small short intro story about a small tribe in Central America being cursed by an evil spirit, who was causing famine and disease. They locked this spirit inside of a special piñata that looks kind of like something from a tiki bar. Now this piñata was made out of clay. Last I checked, piñatas were not made out of clay. They then sailed the piñata into the ocean. Wait a minute; this is supposed to be in the middle of Central America, not the shores. How the hell does a tribe go from the middle to the shores in a few minutes? The narrator then warns us that if the piñata is broken, the spirit would escape.
We then go to May 5, 2001 also known as Cinco de Mayo. We are watching a group of former frat and sorority members go to a small island on two small boats. We then find out that the characters of Kyle and Tina (played by Nicholas Brendan and Jaime Pressley) were once a couple and have just recently broken up, obviously on bad terms. The token black guy in this movie, Doug (played by Eugene Byrd), tends to stir things up by asking if he cheated on her or if she cheated on him. Now, I remember being told that guys don’t really talk about relationships ending and why they ended. Kyle doesn’t answer to either of those answers. Doug then decides that he needs to act like a true man and ask his friend if he can hit on his ex-girlfriend to which Kyle says do what you want. Jeez, you would think this guy would be more territorial, but no…..he doesn’t give a crap. After that, we get a small scene where Tina’s friend is asking her about Tina and Kyle to which Tina replies that Kyle has already made up his mind. That small scene is followed by the host Paul (played by Garrett Wang) and hostess Monica (played by Kasey Fallo) explaining about the game and the rules. We already get a complaint by a girl asking about the bathrooms. She complains when she learns that the bathrooms on this island are portable toilets. When she is criticized for her complaints by Doug, she tells Doug to bite her. Next thing you know, she’ll be asking Doug to eat her shorts, man. This little argument makes Monica inform the guests that there will be no sexual activities on this island without her. Somehow, it’s supposed to be funny, however it isn’t and it just makes her seem like a loose woman.
Now, at the picnic table, it’s mentioned that there are piñatas on this island with a selection of beverages and the team with the most underwear wins. You don’t get the underwear part yet? Well….there is supposedly a lot of men’s and women’s underwear hidden on the island. This is supposed to be a scavenger hunt. But what is any scavenger hunt without a set of trivia (don’t ask me, I didn’t write this script). The first question is about the day Cinco de Mayo and they ask what it symbolizes. Some moron shouts out May 5th to which they say that is what it means in Spanish, but not what it symbolizes. Another says an excuse to party (Damn unintelligent drunk teenagers). Then some girl in glasses asks if that is when Evita died.
Evita Cries For You IdiotsOne of the judges kind of remarks my thought by saying that this is a sad day for their university. Tina then shouts out that it is the day of Mexico’s Independence (which is right). The next question is where did the battle for Mexico’s Independence take place? One guy says Tijuana, which is wrong. The dumb girl with the glasses says Mexico City, which is more than wrong. The woman who complained about the bathrooms asked what is Cancun. She gets knocked for two reasons. One, she was wrong and two, this isn’t a game show. After that, no one else answers so the third question is asked. That third question asks the teens to name the two opposing generals. Doug spits out some of his alcohol and says Cheech and Chong. Obviously, that is not the right answer. Kyle shouts out that on May 5, 1862, General Ignacio Zaragosa in the town of Puebla led the Mexican Army to victory against the attacking French forces, led by General Charles Latrille which is correct.
We then begin the scavenger hunt with Paul and Monica pairing a girl and a guy together via handcuffs. Unfortunately for Kyle and Tina, they got paired up together. They try to switch places….however, that is not allowed and they are handcuffed to each other.
Can't Believe I Have To Deal With This Drama
The hunt begins with every team making a dash for the woods. Well, every team except Kyle and Tina, who sit around and argue about having to be paired together. While they are arguing, Kyle mentions that Tina had a study partner so it seems like Kyle was a bit overprotective.
One of the teams that are hunting decides to cheat by using a secret key to get the cuffs off of them and afterwards smoke some weed. This turns bad when the girl of this team finds the evil tiki piñata in the swamp. While high on the weed, they mention that the piñata is not like any of the piñata that were placed, but they decide to open it. They try to break it open with a stick, but fail. They then, decide to break it with a rock. Of course, they break it and the piñata comes to life. Yes, the monster in this movie is a walking piñata. The piñata, being evil, decides to beat the guy up with a stick. Now, during this scene in which the piñata is beating guy to death, you can see that it is just a rubber suit type outfit and yes, thanks to information from IMDB.com, it is being worn by a midget.
The Midget In The Suit Was Not Hornswoggle, Although He Would Have Been Awesome In That RoleThe girl gets away as the piñata beats the guy to death. He then steals his soul.
We then go back to Kyle and Tina, who are still just sitting there, arguing with each other. Kyle decides that he is tired of sitting around and doing nothing so he gives Tina an ultimatum, either help him voluntarily compete in the hunt with him or be dragged along. She thinks it is a bluff until he decides to start dragging her, to which she finally agrees to help him. Kyle then tells her to stop her complaining about the pain, making a joke that she wanted to use handcuffs a while ago and now she got her wish.
Another team involving another random guy and the dumb girl with the glasses decides to cheat using a cell phone. They start hearing noises. The two hide, but get surprised by the one girl from the first cheating team running away. She explains that the guy she was with was killed by a piñata. The second couple smells the scent of burnt marijuana and basically believes that she is tripping out. She runs off and tells Paul & Monica that a piñata killed her partner. The second couple showed their cheating ways again by hiding a secret stash of underwear within the island. While doing this, they both get hacked with the shovel by the evil piñata and have their souls taken.
We then see the Paul and Monica heading off to check on what happened. They tend to not believe the witness about the whole evil piñata, but do believe something happened to her partner. Meanwhile, Tina is on Kyle’s shoulders getting some more underwear. While this is happening, she is explaining to Kyle that her study partner had forced a kiss upon her and it was all just a misunderstanding what he saw. You know, you might have wanted to mention that to him before you broke up. He tells her that she is starting to get heavy on his shoulders which basically piss her off because she thinks he is saying that she is fat. Of course, it could be that weight applied to a certain person can tend to tire them out, but of course in her eyes, he thinks she’s fat. They run into Paul and Monica who tell them the game is over as someone has been hurt. They two hosts tell Kyle and Tina to get back to camp and take care of the surviving girl while they find out what happened to the guy. They finally find him, tied to a tree and beaten to death.
Meanwhile, the girl who complained about the bathrooms earlier and her partner are seen making out as the evil piñata watches. The piñata is seen hanging on to a vine while watching the two like a Peeping Tom.
If You Have Not Seen This Movie, See It.The two lovebirds see the evil piñata and think it’s an actual piñata. They think a whole bottle of tequila is in it, so they try to bust hit open. The evil piñata uses this moment to surprise the couple and kills them. That scene is very usual to most of the death scenes so far except for the fact that the piñata actually decides to rip the testicles and penis off of him manually.
Treguard, if you please??
Ooh Nasty....Kyle and Tina are back at the camp and fire off a gun, signaling that the game is over. Doug and his partner, after hearing the gun shot, decide to get back to camp. While taking apart the camp site, Kyle and Tina decide to renew their boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with a kiss. Meanwhile, Paul and Monica are searching for more people and tell Kyle to get the people they have out of there and they will get everyone else off. Kyle, Tina, and the other girl see that the boats have been sabotaged and that there is now no way off the island.
Meanwhile, while Paul and Monica are riding their ATVs, they are attacked by the evil piñata. During this scene, the piñata becomes CGI. You can easily tell this by the way the creature looks while it is running. The ATV’s crash, but the two still survive to continue this scene. Paul is killed by a hammer that somehow is created while Monica is forced to leave him behind.
Back in camp, Kyle, Tina, and the surviving girl are at a camp fire. Kyle explains the folklore about the spirit being sealed inside a piñata. They then find out that the folklore is true and this is that legend. Doug and his partner join the group and find out about the situation.
The next day, we see the surviving party is camped out. After much debate, the group decides to help out there friends. They find the remains of an ox during this search. Doug stops to get a rock out of his shoe, but tells the others to go on ahead as he will catch up. You think something would happen in this scene, but nothing happens. No deaths, no attacks, no anything. Doug catches up with the group and the search continues. But while they are together, Doug his roped around his neck with a vine by a piñata. While, they argue over leaving or going forward, Doug is killed by the piñata. The groups separate with one group of two deciding to leave the island while another group (Kyle and Tina) decides to press forward.
The group that decides to leave has another separation when one has to pee. The one that waits for the other to pee is then decapitated by a swinging evil piñata with a conveniently placed blade.
Meanwhile, while Paul and Monica are riding their ATVs, they are attacked by the evil piñata. During this scene, the piñata becomes CGI. You can easily tell this by the way the creature looks while it is running. The ATV’s crash, but the two still survive to continue this scene. Paul is killed by a hammer that somehow is created while Monica is forced to leave him behind.
Back in camp, Kyle, Tina, and the surviving girl are at a camp fire. Kyle explains the folklore about the spirit being sealed inside a piñata. They then find out that the folklore is true and this is that legend. Doug and his partner join the group and find out about the situation.
The next day, we see the surviving party is camped out. After much debate, the group decides to help out there friends. They find the remains of an ox during this search. Doug stops to get a rock out of his shoe, but tells the others to go on ahead as he will catch up. You think something would happen in this scene, but nothing happens. No deaths, no attacks, no anything. Doug catches up with the group and the search continues. But while they are together, Doug his roped around his neck with a vine by a piñata. While, they argue over leaving or going forward, Doug is killed by the piñata. The groups separate with one group of two deciding to leave the island while another group (Kyle and Tina) decides to press forward.
The group that decides to leave has another separation when one has to pee. The one that waits for the other to pee is then decapitated by a swinging evil piñata with a conveniently placed blade.
The girl that had to pee sees the whole thing and is rescued by Kyle and Tina. She shows her fear by running off again. Kyle and Tina press forward and are able to find Monica, who has survived the chase scene.
The girl who ran away goes back to the campsite to see someone in the tent. When she goes to check it out, she finds out that the piñata is in the tent. However, it is too late as the piñata drags her in and kills her. Tina goes back to check on her, but runs into the piñata. She escapes, but not before we find out that the piñata can change forms. It’s nice; however it would have been nicer if it was mentioned beforehand. The group is reunited and hides while the piñata leaves.
At nightfall, the piñata has turned back into its original form while it is still looking for them. During this scene, Kyle decides that enough is enough and it is time for them to start the hunting on this evil piñata. They go to one of the crashed ATVs and drain it of gas so they can use it to get off the island. This scene takes forever and it is a surprise the evil piñata did not find them. While running, they find Paul hanging. Monica screams which alerts the evil piñata to their location. At this point it seems that they are desperately dragging this movie on too long just so they can get an actual decent time on this.
Kyle, Tina, and Monica then head back to camp and set up a trap for the evil piñata. They lure the piñata into the trap with Monica speaking useless crap until a sack wraps the piñata inside. The sack is then burned as the creature dies……NOT!!! The death finally comes when it is blown up by an island made Molotov cocktail.
The girl who ran away goes back to the campsite to see someone in the tent. When she goes to check it out, she finds out that the piñata is in the tent. However, it is too late as the piñata drags her in and kills her. Tina goes back to check on her, but runs into the piñata. She escapes, but not before we find out that the piñata can change forms. It’s nice; however it would have been nicer if it was mentioned beforehand. The group is reunited and hides while the piñata leaves.
At nightfall, the piñata has turned back into its original form while it is still looking for them. During this scene, Kyle decides that enough is enough and it is time for them to start the hunting on this evil piñata. They go to one of the crashed ATVs and drain it of gas so they can use it to get off the island. This scene takes forever and it is a surprise the evil piñata did not find them. While running, they find Paul hanging. Monica screams which alerts the evil piñata to their location. At this point it seems that they are desperately dragging this movie on too long just so they can get an actual decent time on this.
Kyle, Tina, and Monica then head back to camp and set up a trap for the evil piñata. They lure the piñata into the trap with Monica speaking useless crap until a sack wraps the piñata inside. The sack is then burned as the creature dies……NOT!!! The death finally comes when it is blown up by an island made Molotov cocktail.
The movie ends with the authorities arriving and asking what happened, which is met by no response by the survivors.
Okay, I will give this movie some positives with the very gruesome scene of the guy getting his testicles ripped off. However, there were too much conveniently placed items and a lot of unexplained occurrences within the movie. Add that to the stupid idea of using a rubber costume in the beginning, some very unfunny jokes, ideas blatantly ripped off from other movies, and the stupid idea of an evil piñata and you have one very cluster of a crappy movie.
Now when I think of a piñata, I will think of this crap. Thanks for ruining some fun for my future kids, damn it.
Okay, I will give this movie some positives with the very gruesome scene of the guy getting his testicles ripped off. However, there were too much conveniently placed items and a lot of unexplained occurrences within the movie. Add that to the stupid idea of using a rubber costume in the beginning, some very unfunny jokes, ideas blatantly ripped off from other movies, and the stupid idea of an evil piñata and you have one very cluster of a crappy movie.
Now when I think of a piñata, I will think of this crap. Thanks for ruining some fun for my future kids, damn it.
Pinatas have already been ruined for me long before this. It was due to a little thing on tv about a guy that was fucking the pinatas.... yikes right.
ReplyDeleteYikes............I completely understand although in this film, the pinata rips a guy's balls off
ReplyDelete