Friday, September 25, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Troll 2 (1990)

Monster Crap Inductee: Troll 2
Muppets on Crack……YAY!!!

Because One Was Not Enough
- Official Tag Line for Troll 2

Right…….I guess people wanted us to believe that one was not enough. Unfortunately, with the original Troll… bad movie was enough. Yes, I said it. The original Troll movie was horrendously bad. Now, while I would normally induct Troll 1 before I induct Troll 2, this is the exception. Why, because according to IMDB, this is the ninth worst movie in the history of bad movies. Guess what that means, this movie was worse than the fake Godzilla, House of the Dead, Battlefield Earth, Godzilla’s Revenge, Jaws: The Revenge, Mortal Kombat: Annihalation, and Manos: The Hands of Fate. Now why would a movie that hasn’t been inducted till now be worse then those…..well, you are about to find out.

We begin this movie with a crappy introduction involving a boy. What is most notable about this boy is the completely stupid hat he is wearing that looks like he got sent to the corner with a Dunce hat on. Anyways…..this young boy is stalked by the evil trolls.

Now if you look at these trolls, you must say that if Jim Henson made these costumes, he must have been high on some very bad weed. Anyways, we understand that a different, yet younger boy is in the room, interrupting the storyteller (his grandfather) at every chance he gets. Not to be mean or anything, but I really hate people asking questions every time I am telling a story. This younger kid in bed asks his grandfather why the trolls are after him since the boy did nothing to make them mad. The grandfather tells him that the goblins (note that he called them goblins since the movie is called Troll 2) don’t need a reason to attack. They just do it. He says they are evil creatures and tells the boy basically, but in a nice way, to shut up and let him complete the story. I know my grandfather would have done the same. Oh, I forgot to mention that these trolls have walking sticks. And during the credits, the boy is running with the goblins dancingly chasing him with very bad chase music. This crappy scene ends with him doing some rolls and knocking himself unconscious. Wow….what a moron this boy is. He then wakes up to see a nice girl. She offers him a gooey meal and as love-stricken as he was, he ate the crap without ever taking his eyes off her. No offense, but the food she offered him looked green and very moldy. No offense, but I am always looking at what I eat before I digest it and if I saw that crap, there is no way I am eating it. The boy listening to this story decides to interrupt yet again and try to correct his grandfather grammatically. This kid needs a good ass kicking for that. The grandfather lashes out at the boy saying he was correct in what he said, saying goblins do exist. Okay grandfather, this kid is very young and you do not need to be telling him about scary things that are real at this age. Anyway….the boy was eaten. We then reveal that the boy is seeing his grandfather, whose name is Seth, yet he has been dead for 6 months.

The mom tells the boy, whose name is Joshua, to stop seeing Seth and go to sleep. We then cut to a young girl, named Holly, working on weight-lifting, while she has pictures of Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp on the wall. Her mom sees her doing this with loud music and just ignores it.

We then see the mother, Diana, talking to the father, Michael. They obviously have planned a big trip to the middle of nowhere so they can live for a few days like their ancestors did. Of course, let’s forget that their ancestors may have been in a lot of pain due to the tons of diseases that existed at the time. Diana decides to tell Michael about the fact that Joshua still sees his dead grandfather. She then asks, without warning, what are the goblins. He just laughs it off as we head back to Joshua. Joshua is hearing someone knocking at his window. Joshua opens the window to see a guy with his face pressed against the window shouting pure nonsense. This prank causes Joshua to be scared out of his mind. The pranksters laugh it off and one of them decides that with a ladder, he is going to surprise Holly by entering her room. She is surprised, but then is mad at the prankster, Elliot, for doing that.

He then jokes that he is a victim of a nocturnal rape and that he has to release his lowest instincts on a women. She answers this rather crappy joke by kneeing him in the balls. It is revealed that she loves him yet her parents hate him. It is revealed that this is an exchange and the family is living in their house. You know, this should never happen. You never know what valuables will be stolen.

We then move to the road where Holly’s boyfriend doesn’t show up….even though he said he would. Holly is in tears as Michael tells his daughter that Elliot is a good for nothing. We then see that Elliot has brought his friends with him and they are riding in a trailer, following them. He then has a bad dream about being turned into a treat and the family that is with him is turned into trolls.

This is why you never tell young kids about horrible creatures. Joshua then to stop and tells them that he needs to throw up. He sees Seth again and Seth tells him to go back. The family sees a regular hitchhiker and they get Joshua back into the car and leave the hitchhiker there. We then see that the family they are exchanging houses with and exchange keys. Joshua notices that this family has certain skin scars. Everyone else just ignores his visions and once again goes to the house. They see food on the counter as Joshua sees Seth again. Seth tells Joshua to stop them. He even gives Joshua thirty seconds of freeze frame to stop them from eating. Joshua then decides to piss on the food.

He is sent to his room and scolded by his dad.

You Can't Piss On Hospitality, I Won't Allow It!!!

We then go back to the trailer home where the guys are looking for young women to score with. Arnold, one of the guys, decides to go out for a smoke. When he does that, he sees that a young woman is running. He stops her and she frantically tells him about the monsters. The trolls show up and Arnold decides to scold them and threaten them with pain. They respond by throwing a stick like a javelin hit him with it. Arnold and the young girl run off into an abandoned church. They then get trapped by the evil trolls and the witch who controls them, named Creedence. She reveals that she came from Stonehenge. Creedence also has the young girl drink the green goo and turn into troll food. We see sweat the likes of which we have never seen since Papa Shango cursed the Ultimate Warrior. The trolls kill her.

Oh My God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We go back to the house with Joshua in his room and say he hates this house. We then see Holly dancing like she is having a seizure to more crappy music. Holly then talks to the mirror and pretends that she is talking to Elliot. She sees Seth and once again, the parents don’t believe her. Joshua then says he will switch rooms with her. Joshua has ulterior motives and speaks to Seth. Another guy named Drew looks for food. He goes out for a jog. Back at the house, we find out that the family who lived here didn’t eat and only drink milk that is a week past its due date. While jogging, Drew is met by an officer who tells him that he will give him a lift. The sheriff then gives the Drew a sandwich covered with green goo. He eats the garbage. The townsfolk tell him that Arnold wants to meet with him. We see Arnold get turned into a plant and Creedence tells him that she is off to give the lead family food. Back in town, Michael and Joshua find out that the stores are closed. In this very short moment, Joshua realizes that Nilbog, the town they are at, is Goblin spelled backwards. Once again, they have yet to call these people trolls.

Meanwhile, in the woods, Drew drinks the crappy milk. He spits it out realizing how nasty it is. Next, we find that Creedence introduces herself to the next family. She introduces herself as Creedence Leonore Gielgud. I wonder by the way she says her name if she is of any relation to Armando Alejandro Estrada.

She gives the family the food in hopes of good hospitality. Joshua is once again walking on the road…..alone (tells you how well the father is.) He goes to an empty garage where the townsfolk are having a meeting. He decides to eavesdrop while leaving his skateboard behind. While eavesdropping and sees that the family who they exchanged keys with is still there. A priest is speaking, telling them that meat is bad. Oh great, a horror movie against vegetarians. The skateboard is revealed to make the young boy notice them. The townsfolk catch the boy and try to make him eat an evil concoction. We then see that the townsfolk are the trolls or goblins as they are called.

Michael saves Joshua from the crap, but yet still refuses to reveal him about the evil of this town, even after seeing that the family that they traded houses with is still thereAs they are driving, Michael sees that Holly and Elliot are talking and gets pissed off. He tells Elliot to make a choice, after Holly had already told him to do the same. Elliot makes his choice and goes with the family, leaving his friend behind. Meanwhile, back at the church, Drew enters and realizes that his friend, Arnold is turning into a plant. He takes the bark off and Arnold tells him to get him out of here. Arnold then has Drew grab the pot and drag him out. Creedence Leonore Gielgud sees them. She gets upset that Arnold is trying to leave so after she knocks out Drew; she grabs a chainsaw and chops Arnold in half. Arnold then is turned into a milkshake. The people of Nilbog decide to give the family a party with all of the evil crappy food. Joshua tries to tell the family again of the evil of the townsfolk, yet is sent to his room. Joshua is attacked by a troll in his room, only to be saved by Seth, who chops the troll’s arm off. This hurts Creedence Leonore Gielgud and forces her own hand off. She goes into the evil door in the room and has her hand replaced.

Back at the house, Seth has a flame thrower. There plan of saving the family is foiled by the evil priest. As the priest tries to send Seth back to hell, he causes the priest to be set on fire, killing him. His death finally reveals to the family that the townspeople are in fact evil. The townspeople are angry with this and demand the death. Creedence Leonore Gielgud prays to Stonehenge to give her power. Stonehenge (I didn’t know Stonehenge was a god) turns her into a young human. The townsfolk give the family an offer; eat the evil food, or be killed violently. The family has a tough choice and Holly brings up a séance, which prompts Joshua to call her sister a genius.

Brent, the final member of the ex pals of Elliot, is in his home and sees a young, attractive woman on his TV screen. She has a cob of corn and has Brent come out. This is played with some cheesy porno like music. The young girl as you know is Creedence Leonore Gielgud (Damn, I love saying that). We have an interesting scene where both eat the cob of corn and Brent has popcorn flying from nowhere.

Back at the séance, the family brings back Seth. Seth tells the family to destroy the evil magic stone that gives the trolls their magic power (once again they are called goblins). Joshua then faints as the trolls enter the house with more bad music playing. We see that Joshua has been transported to the home of the evil stone. Joshua decides to once again look for Seth. He doesn’t find him immediately, but he does find a troll. The troll tries to kill Joshua, but is foiled when Seth arrives. He arrives to give Joshua a bag of contents and to show the way of the evil stone. Seth and Joshua then touch the evil stone as the family is surrounded by the trolls.
Back at the trailer home, we see that Brent is covered in popcorn and Creedence Leonore Gielgud is turned back to her ugly state. Seth then leaves for good as his time is up. Since Joshua is alone, he is grabbed by Creedence and her trolls. They attempt to force Joshua to eat the evil goo. However, Joshua opens the bag and reveals a Double Decker Bologna Sandwich which scares the troll.
I Have The Sandwich!!!!
He eats the sandwich and then proceeds to continue his touching of the stone. The family comes in and joins in on the touching, which kills the entire evil bunch. The trolls go into a seizure while Creedence is bleeds out and vanishes. The family goes home and goes back to their normal lives. Joshua goes to his room and starts to hear evil voices. He decides to check up on his mom and finds out that because of the apple she ate, she is turned into troll food. He then runs and in the kitchen and sees that the trolls are still alive and eating what’s left of his mom.
The movie ends with the troll asking Joshua if he wants some and Joshua screaming.

Okay, this movie is bad all around, besides the idea of joking saying Creedence Leonor e Gielgud. The idea that this movie is called Troll 2 yet the creatures are called goblins is bad enough. The idea of people not minding the eating of green goo is worse. The popcorn scene makes it even worse. But it is topped of with the idea a bologna sandwich will save you from goblins. This movie is completely horrible and embarrassing to no end. That is why this movie and not the original Troll (which is bad as well), is getting inducted first.

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