Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla's Revenge (1969)

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla’s Revenge
Just as Good as Montezuma’s Revenge


Before I continue, I would just like to say that the Japanese version of Godzilla. Unfortunately, I will have to say that the Hensei Series was the best version. It would be tied with the Classic Showa series; however the Showa series gave me several crappy movies….such as this movie, Godzilla’s Revenge.

First, we meet our main star, Ichiro. No not the baseball player. Just some little kid named Ichiro.

Anyways…this little kid seems to have a problem with a bully named Gabara. Ichiro finds a shiny object and Gabara tells him to give it to him. Ichiro, knowing Gabara is a bully, gives him the damn object. Gabara then proceeds to throw the object over into a condemned area. Ichiro isn’t scared so he goes into the condemned area. He finds a wallet and because he is just a child, he takes it. Wrong move…..because that wallet belongs to two bank robbers.
But this kid is also a daydreamer and has a thing for monsters. So he ends up going to Monster Island in his dreams.

There, he meets Minya, who in this movie can talk. I have a problem with Minya and it always seems to confuse me. I mean, he only looks like Godzilla in body; however….he looks like King Kong facial wise. Now I get it. In King Kong vs. Godzilla, there was a scene where Kong and Godzilla fought in the water. I think King Kong raped Godzilla.

Damn That Horny Ape

Anyways….another problem with this movie is most of the monster battles are basically old stock footage from Son of Godzilla and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster.

We Also Get To See Godzilla Step On Minya's Tail, Causing The Kid Monster To Breathe Fire.

The only real battles involve Minya and Gabara. Yes, Minya also has a Gabara problem. Gabara is supposed to be the main bad monster, except his outfit is probably the worst look for a Godzilla monster.

Even As A Kid, I Just Laughed At This Monster

Now, while this kid keeps dreaming, he gets kidnapped by the two bank robbers who are going to use him as a hostage. But during the scenes between dreams and reality, the kid learns to beat the bank robbers and helps Minya beat Gabara.
At the end the two bank robbers get arrested and Ichiro finally fights the human Gabara. He wins, earns the respect of the other kids and that is how the movie ends. Sucks doesn’t it?

Anyways, it seems to me that America could make a better film than this. I mean, first off….the kid Ichiro needs a bigger backbone and needs to be less annoying. I think you can find several kids that could do that. Another thing is the bank robbers; they don’t look like morons, even when they get beat up by a kid. I suggest those bank robbers get changed with two guys who could really do that job. First, we need a robber who is small, but is the brains behind the operation. I got it. We need Joe Pesci. Now we need a big robber who is completely stupid. I got it…..we need Daniel Stern.
When You Want Two Criminals Chasing Around A Young Kid & Being Goofy, Call The Professionals

Now, this film needs some monster battles that we haven’t seen already nor do we want to see. I suggest you make Gabara look a lot scarier and instead of using stock footage, have Godzilla face off against some other monsters. Have Godzilla vs. Rodan, Godzilla vs. Varan, and Godzilla vs. Baragon.
Hell, Two Of Them Were Enemies In The NES Game, Godzilla: Monster of Monsters

Anyways….this would be the last movie we see Minya, Gorosaurus, and Gabara in. Good riddance to all three of them.

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