Thursday, September 24, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Chopping Mall (1986)

Monster Crap Inductee: Chopping Mall
Horrible Movie that includes ZERO CHOPPING!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, all you Monster Crappers have known me for only a few inductions and mainly, I am either disappointed or laughing at every one of my inductions so far. I am afraid that ends today. Why, because I decided that I needed to see a movie on my Movie Channel On Demand named Chopping Mall.

Now look at the title and poster once again and I’m sure this is the assumption for most on the plot

Young Teenagers get trapped in a shopping mall while an axe-wielding killer is after them.
If that is your assumption, like my assumption was, you will be severely disappointed. In fact, the monster is not an axe-wielding serial killer at all. Instead, it is three security robots that, thanks to a little lighting, go mad and start killing people

In the beginning of this movie, we see some robber break into a jewelry store only to have his efforts of escaping foiled by one of the three security robots who uses a taser like device to stop the thief in his tracks. We then see that this whole video was merely a demonstration of the new robots that will be protecting the mall. Now, here is a ironic question asked by one of the guests, Dr. Carrington torwards the moron who created these robots, Dr. Simon.

Carrington: So what do your machines do besides…..kill criminals.
Simon: Well, first of all, doctor, the protectors do not kill.

Meanwhile during this interesting conversation, Mary Bland and Paul Bland (interesting names seeing as their supposedly funny commentary is just bland)

(Before Ironic Question is asked)
Mary: Paul, those things look like the three stooges
Paul: I don’t know, Mary. The one in the middle has an unpleasantly ethnic quality.

(After the Ironic Question)
Mary: I wonder if they can kill cockroaches
Paul: They can probably be programmed to.

Anyways….the most interesting description we get from Dr. Simon is these robots have lasers shooters that can destroy debris. I think the morons who made this movie might want to realize that debris is a lot harder to destroy than human flesh so if the things than destroy debris, they are more than likely to destroy humans. I believe that Dr. Simon had some help with these robots from a more diabolical individual

All I Want Is To Have Robots With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads

So we enter the opening credits and we notice that this mall has bikini clad women promoting the mall. I don’t know, but wouldn’t there be a mother somewhere that wouldn’t allow that to happen. This brings us our characters for this movie, Suzie, Allison, Ferdy, Rick, Linda, Greg, Mike, and Leslie. These stupid teenagers have decided that they are going to party in the mall after it closes. Meanwhile, in the control room for the robots, Marty is over watching the robots until lighting and he needs to fix things.

We Are Alive!!!

But this is a horror movie kids so we have to have sex-crazed morons here. So instead of checking to see if the robots are okay, he instead looks at a Penthouse pinup of some blond. As he is looking at the big one, he gets killed when one of the robots’ claws pops out and cuts his throat.

We then meet moronic technician #2 by the name of Nessler. He is a slob who eats and does nothing else. He is killed when that same robot, pops out a wire and strangles him to death. The robots leave their post and begin their patrol. On the way to the sex-crazed teenagers, one of the robots meets a janitor with whom he uses his taser on the place he just mopped and electrocutes the poor old bastard

Now its time for the meat of this movie, which still makes me want to stab my eyeballs. Two of the teens (the two biggest sex-crazed teens), get dispatched after the first robot stuns Mike and cuts his throat and uses his lasers to blow up the Leslie’s head

It should be noted that during while everyone is having sex, the two nerds (Ferdy and Allison), are watching a monster movie. Now we already know which people will survive. After the deaths, the robots notice everyone in the furniture store. It should be known that one of the robots passed this place by while the teens were all having sex so he should have noticed then. The guys decide to take the robots out and to protect the ladies; they have them hide in the vent. The guys destroy the first robot by blowing up and elevator he is on. However, Suzie gets a case of claustrophobia and leaves the vent. She is dispatched shortly after when the second robot burns her to death.

The second robot is destroyed when the guys trap it in the elevator and blow it to smithereens. The gang goes up the third floor and while Greg becomes lookout and tells everyone the coast is clear. The third robot throws him off the ledge to his death. The robot then has a catchy line.

Thank you, have a nice day
- Third Robot

The teens dispatch the third robot by using a mirror and having the robot’s lasers bounce off it and onto him. Didn’t the lasers on the robots have the ability to destroy any type of debris? I guess not. However, the third robot does not die quietly as he takes Rick and Linda with him.

Now the only survivors are the nerds Ferdy and Allison. The first robot decides it’s up to him so he throws a steel gas container at Ferdy, which you would assume is dead. After a boring chase, Allison finally destroys the first robot by blowing it up in a paint store. It is revealed that Ferdy is still alive and the movie ends.

I know this may be a short version of what went on, but most of this movie made me lose my mind. Honestly, to the person who said he needed psychiatry to cure himself. I don’t blame him. Now I need psychiatry sessions to cure myself.

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