Saturday, September 26, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Bloodrayne (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Bloodrayne
This Movie Definitely Sucks On Something

Monster Crappers everywhere, I have got to with you… a fan of video games, I am never happy when I have to induct movies based on video games. And in fact, there has been one director who has constantly, without apology made bad movie after bad movie based on video games. That man is of course….

Uwe Boll

Already on Monster Crap, I have had to painfully induct two of his bad movies (House of the Dead and Alone In The Dark). I was hoping to god that he had learned from two bad movies in a row because most directors have learned and fixed that error. Uwe Boll even said himself that he learned a lesson from making two consecutive bad movies in saying that a script matters. However, Uwe Boll lied to every video game fan in the world when he said that. Uwe Boll is like every ego-maniacal wrestler and promoter in that he thinks he can do no wrong. And whenever someone gives him criticism to the contrary, and even for those who try for constructive criticism, he feels like someone has called his mother mean things and feels he has to fight every one of us. I am sooner or later going to expect an email from Mr. Boll telling me that he is challenging me to a match. But Uwe, I am not some drunken critic who feels the need to berate you because I can. In fact, I have never tasted a drip of alcohol nor done any type of drugs except ones that are prescribed to me by a doctor.

So Monster Crappers, you will never ever see me embarrass myself by getting into the ring like some drunken critics because I am better than that and I hold myself to a higher standard. But enough about me, let me get back to Bloodrayne, the movie we will be inducting today. This movie is really embarrassing and not because of the fact that it’s a video game that I liked, it’s embarrassing because of who is in this movie. This isn’t House Of The Dead where old friends and young up-and-comers are in it. This isn’t Alone In The Dark where only washed up actors and career middle card actors are in. This movie is full of big name actors. This abomination of a movie stars Kristanna Loken (The TX from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines), Michelle Rodriguez (From The Fast and the Furious and TV’s Lost), Michael Madsen (From Kill Bill 1 & 2, Reservoir Dogs), Meat Loaf (talented musician and very good in The Rock Horror Picture Show & Fight Club), Billy Zane (The Phantom and Titanic) and finally Ben Kingsley (An Academy Award winner for Ghandi). Let me just say that again. Uwe Freakin Boll was able to get an academy award winner and a well known actor to be in this movie. With all this talent and the fact that Uwe Boll promised he learned something from the failures that were House Of The Dead and Alone In The Dark, this should not have been even close to being inducted onto my list. However, it did and now every person reading this… going to find out why.

Well for one thing, before we even start this movie, I might want to add that once again, Uwe Boll decided against using the videogame storyline of Bloodrayne dispatching Nazis. He instead, decided to go back several years to a time before she was dispatching Nazis. Like House of the Dead, this is supposed to be a prequel to the video game (How did that work out last time?). Now that I have said that, let’s get this movie underway.

We begin this movie with early paintings of vampires killing people and the credits coming with them. We are introduced to Sebastian (played by Matt Tollman), Katarin (played by Michelle Rodriguez), and Vladimir (played by Michael Madsen).

They meet with a barkeeper who talks about a freak show at a nearby carnival featuring a female vampire. A vampire comes by asking for some alcohol, Sebastian sees that he is a vampire using the mirror technique and kills him with a stake through the heart. Meanwhile, at the carnival, the carnival barker introduces us to Rayne (played by Kristanna Loken) and begins to berate her as they put her in water which burns her. They then cut her arm and kill a goat and drain it of blood. They then make her drink this blood and her burn and cut wounds miraculously heal. After the show, they place Rayne in a cage treating her as if she was an animal. We are then introduced to Amanda (played by Madalina Constantin), who is a good friend of Rayne and also a freak, who is trying to find a way her and Rayne to escape. She then gives Rayne a cross pendant, which would really hurt vampires in most movies. Rayne, however, can grab it and hold onto it.

We then move on to a dark castle where Domistir (played by Will Sanderson, who has been in all three of these movies) talking to Master Kagan (who is played by Ben Kingsley).

Domistir tells Kagan that there was an incident at the carnival involving a girl. Kagan thinks back to looking for his daughter and killing her mother for not saying where she was.

He says that this girl poses a threat to his plans and wants her dead. Meanwhile, it seems that Rayne has escaped the carnival and is running through an open field. We find out why as we go back to the cage and see one of the carnival workers drunk and trying to rape her. We know of course that you never try to rape a vampire and he finds that out the hard way by being busted open by a bottle and then getting his blood sucked. We then see her kill all of the workers and then slicing and impaling the barker for his part. She is crying over what she had done, which wouldn’t have been my choice of emotions, but let Uwe do what he does with this movie.

We go to daybreak and see the three riders heading towards the carnival. Sebastian is complaining about doing this, thinking that it is completely stupid and insane while Kagan is building an army. Vladimir berates his complaining and we find out that these three riders are from the Brimstone Society, a society out to hunt down and eliminate supernatural threats around the world. Katarin is also against this idea, but Vladimir is the decider and he decides what they do. Reminds me of someone…..

When they get to the carnival, they find it destroyed with bodies all over the place. They then reveal that Rayne is a young Dhampir, which is a mix of vampire and human. They see the dead bodies and are forced to behead all of them because they might become a vampire. They find Amanda, who is still alive, and we find out that Rayne, in a fit of rage, bit her. She also took her swords to and now is on the loose. Because of the fact that she is a vampire, they kill her mercifully. Katarin says that there is a town that they passed and asked for permission to see if she was there. Vladimir gives the okay and Katarin leaves. Vladimir then tells Sebastian that if she is what he thinks she is, Brimstone is probably not the only ones looking for her. At a different castle, Elrich (played by Billy Zane) tells a squire to send a message for his daughter, Katarin, saying that Brimstone should stop with its plans to stop Kagan. We then see that Elrich has become a vampire himself and is trying to help Kagan.

Meanwhile in the woods, a carriage is coming down a road. The carriage is attacked by vampires as Rayne looks on from a distance. Most are killed, but when Rayne comes to the scene, they try to attack her. Using the arm swords she took from her friend, she kills the two vampires. She tells the two survivors that she is only interested in killing vampires and they take her with them. They take her into town where she can sense who is a vampire and who isn’t. She kills one of the vampires by sucking her blood. She then goes to a fortune teller who tells her who she is. Rayne is revealed to be the daughter of Kagan and is looking to kill him for killing her mother. She reveals the location of a talisman that is looked for by Kagan. The fortune teller than tells Rayne that this eye might destroy him. She rides off as one of Kagan’s spies looks.

Back at the castle, Kagan is informed of the Dhampir he is looking for. Kagan tells Domistir to find her and kill her after she has found the talisman. We also see that these vampires can walk around in daytime, which is very stupid because we all know that vampires can’t do that. Vladimir and Sebastian see Domistir and his troops move and follow them. Rayne then finds the temple that she is looking for. They feed her and give her some wine to drink. During the night, she sneaks out of the church in search of the talisman. She enters a room where an ugly man is sleeping. She tries to take the necklace from him, but he wakes up. They battle with her using winning by using a spiked bat and hitting him in the head. The necklace is revealed as a key to a secret room. But this secret room is filled with traps. She escapes the secret room. We find that the eye has now implanted itself into her eye. The priest sees her and tells her to follow him. The priest tries to keep her from escaping, but as soon as they try, the monastery becomes attacked by Domistir’s army. She dispatches of most of the vampires. Brimstone comes to the aid and kills of most of the vampires as well. Domistir tries to kill Rayne, but Rayne runs away. Domistir knocks out Rayne and takes her with him to Kagan. The three riders of Brimstone go after them.
Meanwhile, back at Kagan’s castle, Kagan is meeting with a woman and kills her by draining her of blood.

Now, at daytime, Domistir brings her to a secret hiding and to Leonid (played by Meat Loaf) who insults Domistir for coming. Domistir asks Leonid for shelter. Of course, since Leonid is played by Meat Loaf, a vampire, and since the vampires turn into bats most time. Meat Loaf truly is….


Leonid tries to take the girl, but Domistir says that she belongs to Kagan. Leonid however decides to keep Rayne and removes Domistir from his home. It is revealed that Leonid is head of a vampire brothel. He tries to seduce Rayne, but Rayne isn’t having any of that crap. Vladimir and Sebastian attack the brothel and this leads to a sword battle between Leonid and Vladimir. Vladimir dispatches Leonid by exposing him to sunlight. Okay…..what is up with that? When Domistir is out in the sun, he is fine. But when Leonid gets exposed, he is killed. Sebastian and Vladimir take her with them and escape the brothel. Back at the castle, Domistir reports of his failure. Kagan is not too pleased and asks for the Dhampir’s name, to which Domistir replies that her name is Rayne. This of course makes it worse, knowing now that his daughter is the one out to kill him. Vladimir and Sebastian then send her to the headquarters of the Brimstone Society. At the castle, Kagan is informed by his priest that another talisman is in his possession. At the Brimstone Headquarters, she tries to persuade the Society into releasing her from the jail cell that she is in. She reveals that Kagan raped her mother and killed her in front of her own eyes. Vladimir agrees to let her out and persuades her to fight Kagan with them.

Katarin questions Vladimir’s reason, but Vladimir stands by his ideas. We then get a training montage where Rayne trains with other trainees and learns how to use her arm swords correctly.

Now that her training is complete, Brimstone gives her some new clothing. Rayne and Sebastian get into an argument and Sebastian reveals that his mother and father were both killed by Vladimir. His parents had turned and he was to be slaughtered by them, but Vladimir saved him. Back at the old castle, Kagan is trying to get to Rayne telepathically. Rayne awakens and there is a love scene between Sebastian and Rayne. Yes…..we do see breasts.


At the cafeteria, it is revealed that the Brimstone Society is running out of food. Rayne joins them and is asked by a young boy if she could show him her teeth. She of course shows him the fangs and scares him away. Katarin then writes to her father, agreeing with him that Brimstone is lost. Back at the castle, Kagan’s priest reveals to Kagan that Rome has fallen and that only one Brimstone remains. Kagan then tells Elrich to bring him his pawns. Kagan then tells his pawns to attack the last Brimstone headquarters, promising eternal life for those who succeed and eternal death for those who fail.

Once again, Domistir and his armies ride off into the sunlight, further confusing us. Meanwhile, there is a training sword fight between Rayne and Katarin. There may have been much more behind the scenes, but I will reveal my reasons for that later. Elrich is berated by Domistir for writing to his daughter who works for the enemy. Elrich tries to persuade Domistir to join his planned rebellion, but Domistir is having none of that and forces Elrich to give him the map. Vladimir takes Sebastian and Rayne with him to see an old friend, Iancu (played by Michael Pare). Iancu gives Vladimir some weapons to use against vampires. A messenger reveals that Brimstone had been attacked and there were no survivors. The messenger reveals that Katarin turned on Brimstone and helped Domistir raid the base. Rayne then decides to ditch Vladimir and Sebastian to search for the heart and use it to attack Kagan. Rayne heads back to the base to find it destroyed. Rayne finds the heart at the abandoned headquarters and sees Katarin trying to get the heart. Katarin reveals that she will give the heart to her father so he can unseat Kagan as king of the vampires. Rayne follows Katarin to the heart which results in an underwater fight where Katarin wins and stabs Rayne in the stomach, but Rayne doesn’t die. Instead, the sight of blood makes Rayne have a blood rage and she kills Katarin. At the castle, Rayne arrives to confront Kagan. She gives Domistir the chest that the heart is in and he takes her to Kagan, or does he. He instead places her in a jail cell. Domistir delivers the chest the heart is in to Kagan. A battle goes on outside the castle where Vladimir and Sebastian are attacking the army. The two men are overwhelmed and captured.

Domistir boasts about the capture and receives a loogy for it. Rayne lies about what happened to Katarin, saying she died with honor. Kagan begins the ceremony and the servants take her to him. Kagan then tells Rayne that if she survives, which is unlikely, he offers her a stay at his castle. She tells him she would rather die than be by his side. Back at the dungeon, through trickery, Vladimir and Sebastian have escaped. During the ceremony Elrich slaps Rayne for trying to resist and receives a slap from Kagan for doing that. The ceremony is interrupted by Vladimir and Sebastian and a battle begins. Kagan then opens the chest where the heart is stored and finds that it is empty. Rayne has the heart in her and this does not make Kagan happy. A sword fight begins with Vladimir and Domistir begins as Sebastian frees Rayne from her bindings. A sword fight also begins between the priest and Sebastian. The priest is easily dispatched as Rayne kills some more vampires. Vladimir is captured by two of Domistir’s men and he is held while Kagan stabs him. Domistir goes after Sebastian and another sword fight ensues. Domistir stabs Sebastian and Sebastian cuts Domistir’s throat at the same time. The only two people left standing are Rayne and Kagan and the final battle begins.

The battle several minutes with both sides talking trash towards the other. Kagan wins and is about to grab the heart when Sebastian throws a jar of holy water at him, which he catches. Sebastian then breaks it with a crossbow and Kagan is forced to feel the effects. I wonder why Rayne does feel it also because some of it should have gotten on to her. Sebastian tries again, but Kagan catches the arrow this time and tries to use it on Rayne. Rayne fights and remembering what Kagan did to her mother; Rayne uses the arrow to pierce Kagan’s heart. Kagan is killed and Rayne stands triumphant. Sebastian and Vladimir finally die and Rayne is left alone.

Rayne sits on the abandoned throne and relives the events that took place. She rides off into the sunset and leaves the castle behind. We never did find out what happened to Elrich as we end this movie.

Now, there are actually and sadly several problems that this movie. Several of them involve the fact that the movie was off on time periods. Rayne kills her father at the end of this movie, which is all fine and good. However, in the movie, it occurred in 1723 while in the video game, she killed him in 2000. Also, the Brimstone Society is destroyed in this movie, set in 1723. The problem with that is Brimstone met Rayne in 1935 in the video game. It says in the movie that Rayne is born in the 1700s yet in the video game, she was born in 1916. Another problem is that there are several holes in this movie. One includes what the hell happened to Elrich who was a very important character. This film also decided to cut costs by hiring real prostitutes to play in the movie as female vampires in vampire brothel. Bole said of this that they were better than actors. Way to throw your own cast under the bus.

Uwe Boll, being the egomaniac that he is, has had several responses. He blamed the poor box office sells on the distribution company and tried to file a lawsuit against them for not hyping it enough. This remark reminds of a certain music superstar whose last album failed to do well and he blamed his music label for its failure. You might know him as…

Boll has called IMDB, who has killed all three of his movies “guys writing all the Internet BS about me and sitting in their houses where mommy pays for everything”. He referred to the Aint It Cool Critics Harry and Quint….as retards. He blamed the game company for not showing any support yet if you have played Bloodrayne 2, you will notice on the extra that they had a trailer for his movie. It seems Uwe Boll has blamed everyone but himself for his failures.

But let’s move to a positive. It was during this movie that Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez met each other. They formed a relationship and are now a lesbian couple, which I am sure every heterosexual male is happy about. Why exactly…..I have no idea. I believe it’s a written rule by the men of the table.

Burt: All Heterosexual Men Must Find Lesbians Attractive
All: Man Law!!!!

But back to Boll. Boll has tried to get several video games into movies. In fact, he tried to get to get the rights to Metal Gear Solid so he could make a movie out of that. However, Hideo Kojima said we would never do a movie with him.

Solid Snake, You Are Safe From Having Your Franchise Butchered By Uwe Boll.

Personally, I think every studio should ban Uwe Boll from creating movies.

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