Sunday, September 27, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Ultraviolet (2006)

Monster Crap Inductee: Ultraviolet
More Like UltraCrap

Originally, I was going to induct Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, however after review of the Box Office numbers, I was not able to do that as it made a crapload of money (even if you don't factor in inflation). So I had my first replacement poll for what movie should be #25. It sadly ended up being a straight forward victory for a movie from 2006. At first look, it didn’t seem that bad. I mean, it looked like a bad movie, but it couldn’t be that horrible. Unfortunately for me, I was very wrong.

But before I get to why I was wrong, let’s talk about what was going on. In 2006, Milla Jonovich had become a star actress when you needed someone to look attractive and not much else. She starred in Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse (the second was better than the first). They also have Kurt Winner, who had done a great job with the sleeper hit, Equilibrium.

Using these two, they hoped to make a great movie. But you all know by now that star power and a good director doesn’t make up for a crappy story.

We begin this movie with a beginning that is a montage of fake comics about this woman, indicating that this movie was heavily inspired by comic books and Japanese manga, although the film is based on neither. I think they did this because since live action movies based on comics, mangas and graphic novels had done very well. Earlier in the year, a movie named V for Vendetta was received very well.

So the filmmakers must have thought to try and trick the nerds out there into seeing this movie. Just one problem though, most of the nerds know what comic books there are and they probably knew this was neither, but nice try anyways.

We then hear a narration introduction by Violet Song jat Shariff (played by Milla Jonavich). Although I can’t be too specific from what I got, she was talking about the world that she was born into which of course is a futuristic version of earth. We then go into a machine where bowling type balls are being thrown from an airplane. Obviously, the people on this planet lost common sense since they don’t realize that bowling balls might actually hurt, even kill most people.

Oh but there is a plan for these bowling balls. You see, in a building, scientists are closing something up. These bowling balls turn into ninjas who quickly dispatch these scientists. Great just what the world needs….a bowling ninja. They then destroy the hatch that these scientists were trying to close to see some type of lair. Suddenly, the ninjas are trapped and shot by a bunch of soldiers. We are then revealed to the fact that the ninjas are in fact vampires. Even better……..Ninja Vampires. Sadly this comedy doesn’t write itself. A bunch of men are sitting there asking themselves why the vampires came in to this place and realize one of their own men was contaminated. Without hesitation, the men shoot him.

After that, we get more crap from Violet about how she was created when scientists discovered an obscure virus that had existed for centuries in Eastern Europe. Supposedly, these morons tried to use this virus to create stronger soldiers. Instead, they just created a stronger, more contagious form of disease.

Because the disease created longer teeth, the media decided to call it vampirism. At first, she said that they were forced to wear special bands. But then they were forced to be sent into concentration camps. Wow……it’s the Holocaust all over again.
The Last Thing People Want To Do Is Relive The Holocaust

She said the trouble started for her when she was pregnant and a contagious specimen tried to escape. That specimen got shot and the blood got on to her. Unfortunately, the uncaring people at the lab tried to experiment and dissect her. They kept resuscitating her back to life so they could continue experimenting on her, of course her baby still died. Seems these people have only 12 years to live. However, the world changed when the vampires started to form a resistance. So began the blood wars. Because of this war, the people turned to a militant anti-vampire group led by Vice Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus (played by Nick Chinlund). Several of his advisors are telling him that terrorist attacks are beginning and that the remaining vampires are proving stronger. Daxus says of this that the vampires are only getting more desperate and reveals that a super weapon is almost finished that will locate and kill the rest of the vampires because the solution to every issue is always genocide for some people.

And I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren't For You Meddling Allies

Of course at that same building, a motorcycle comes in with Violet on it. She is allowed in because they believe she is the courier. They try to find out if she was one of them and of course she passes all the tests. Why that is, I have no idea.

They then have her strip naked to be scanned. I wonder who came up with that idea.

They tell her about the situation and explain the cargo she is going to be delivering. They tell her that the case is not to be opened and that it will self-destruct in nine hours if not delivered. Of course during this time, another person comes to the place revealing herself as the real courier. They find out she is the real courier which means the person that that passed all their tests was a fake. Do you understand this yet because I’m sure as hell not?

Anyways, they try to kill Violet and they fail. This scene some very unrealistic moves. She of course falls down due to vomiting. Okay, soldiers can’t stop her, but becoming sick does. The people in this movie decided upon more special effects by having her walk upside down and kill them all. After delivering some bad dialogue, she dispatches a few soldiers with some of the worst methods of gunplay ever seen. After that, she is surrounded by soldiers, with whom she dispatches with a sword that comes out of her. You would have never known that if not for the sword being shown and the soldiers falling down. Oh, and some noises.

She uses a motorcycle to escape and she is wearing a helmet which is good to know, because as we learned with a certain NFL quarterback.

Ben Roethlisberger Says Always Wear A Helmet, Kids.

She of course is on a hands free phone that is communicating to her boss about the case. Her boss tells her to destroy the case if she cannot deliver it to them. Because of something in her motorcycle, she is able to ride on the side of buses, trucks, and buildings. Of course the helicopters and the cars following her cant do the same thing so she escapes after a long chase scene. She is surrounded yet again and her boss tells her to blow up the case which will kill her and every human within a 12 block radius. Wow….sounds like a certain terrorist we know of.

She of course disobeys his order and while in the elevator, opens the case. The case reveals a human boy (played by Cameron Bright). The child is revealed to be a weapon and the vampires try to kill it. Of course, she used a projection to fool her bosses. Another fight scene occurs with the people who are trying to kill her shoot each other in misses. The child then tries to jump off a building, but she stops him. She is surrounded yet again and Daxus tries to fool her by saying the boy is his son. She then escapes on the elevator and like an overbearing mother, berates him. I wonder when she is going to lash out at him for having wire hangers.


Over the headphones, she tries to secure a hideaway spot, but her friend Garth (played by William Fichtner) denies her it. She also berates the child some more before asking him his name. Since he for some reason can’t speak, uses his fingers to say his name is Six. Oh, he can speak and threatens her that if he screams, they both will be dead. As she takes Six outside, she explains to him the situation.

She then heads to Garth’s place and Garth is not happy to see her at his place.

She tells him she has no place to go and even says he has her guns. The vampire group that wanted the boy dead is surrounded and in the dark, the group kills the soldiers. Daxus is with them and after seeing his own men killed, leads them into his secret office. He asks them if they think they can kill him as he is pouring himself a cup of tea. After finishing pouring, he surprises them by killing all but one. He leaves the boss alive so they can compromise.

Meanwhile, back at Garth’s home….Violet is watching the fireworks by the window when Six comes into the room. They talk with Violet discussing her dreams as a young girl. She reveals to him that she is dying.

Garth comes into the room and transfuses her blood so she can survive. Garth reveals that the kid is radioactive and that the kid has a life span at about eight hours. Violet leaves Garth and tries to hide with the kid elsewhere. She takes him to the mall where she gets him some food. She thinks about leaving the kid, but goes after him. During the way, she sees that the soldiers killed an innocent boy who they thought was Six. Six is unfortunately captured by the head vampire. She goes after him and finds him with a bunch of his men about to kill the child. He reveals that the child has a virus that would kill humans, not kill vampires. Huh? The head vampire reveals that he doesn’t care why, but Daxus has given him an offer to even the odds. He then tells her to leave.

During a long stare down that does nothing, she finally decides to kill them all, including the leader and saves the boy. Violet tells Six the truth. She tries to persuade Daxus via phone to save the child. He tells her no and explains that Six is a clone of him. Daxus then tries to persuade her to give up the boy. He even tells her where he is at. She goes towards him and has even more boring dialogue with Six.

The next scene is another battle with Daxus and 700 of his soldiers waiting for Violet at his headquarters. She arrives which prompts Daxus to tell her a line that should be told to all people who watch this movie.

Are You Mental?

Daxus then reveals that since most of the vampires are dead, he only has one tool to use to keep control over the humans. Threaten their life with a virus that would kill humans. Daxus then demands that Violet gives him what he wants. She refuses so he and his soldiers shoot her…..or do they? Unfortunately, Daxus has been conned by a hologram of her.

A scene begins where Six is playing on a playground with her until he finally falls. A helicopter is in the background which means that Daxus has found her. The movie ends with Daxus capturing Six and supposedly killing Violet.

She is once again revived by Garth, who we find out is a vampire in the closet. We get a short scene where she leaves Garth. She goes to a mall where she finds her former husband with a new wife and two children of their own. Going back to her room, she lies down and contemplates suicide. Garth is on the phone telling her the boy may have written a cure for her condition.

She goes to the lab and tells him that Six is alive. Motherly instinct I guess can explain this. She heads off to the headquarters and using a rip-off of the Matrix, she is revealed on a scanner to be loaded with guns. She kills every guard in the room and heads towards where Six is. Daxus has been alerted to her arrival and after denial, he decides to try and finish this. Another fight scene begins and of course, Violet comes out on top. Interesting note about this fight scene is it seems like the people who are dying, are dying with small force. It’s like they are basically getting tapped by it instead of getting the full force. With the blood of her enemies, her suit changes to red for some reason.

In the library, we are treated to another fight scene with her winning again.

Damn it, this is far worse than that time Macho Man and Hulk Hogan went through that Doomsday Cage Match. In this entire scene it seems the whole floor is covered with dead soldiers. When she gets to the top, it seems the illness is getting worse, but she is sucking it up as she enters the main hallways. In his office, she throws her own blood Daxus, infecting him. A sword fighting scene begins where Violet comes out on top. He then makes his office into a dark room and reveals he was the creator of the disease that caused her illness. In a flaming sword fight (yes, the swords are on fire now), She then sets him completely on fire before using her fire sword to kill him.

She rescues Six and that one tear from her during that playground scene saved him. Six reveals that there is a cure to her disease, to which she answers that having a son, is her cure. Violet and Six escape the headquarters while it burns as the movie ends. The scene ends after that.

Okay, it seems that this movie tried too much to rip off the Matrix and it succeeded in being basically a Matrix rip-off. The problem with that is the Matrix was already created and the only reason it succeeded was the innovative graphics. No one had ever seen those scenes. The Matrix had no real good story in it and as seen in the sequels, you need to have something more than those effects. This movie doesn’t have a real story and like the WWE, doesn’t even believe in continuity. This movie only proved one thing. In the world of make believe……….Death is only a minor inconvenience. Unfortunately, Marvel and DC Comics have proven that for years.

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