Monday, September 28, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Santa Claus (1959)

Monster Crap Inductee: Santa Claus
Pedophile Santa vs. Satan's Jokester.....Oh Yes, This Does End Badly

Folks, I know that Christmas time is far in the past now, however…..there will be a very good reason why the Mexican movie Santa Claus is being inducted this week. You see, thanks to some money, I will be able to give a huge gift on Valentines Day. That gift will be an induction of a much requested movie. Now since I do not like Valentine’s Day, don’t expect anything more from me.

Now that all of that is out of the way, its time we look at this movie, Santa Claus. It’s a Mexican movie that Wrestlecrap has already inducted, but now it’s my turn to watch this sorry excuse for a movie. In the 1950s, Santa Claus was still very much unknown to most of Mexico. Mexican Christmas customs made no mention of Santa Claus, instead preferring piƱatas and posadas

However, Santa has now become very popular because of urban merchants. And due to the fact that there wasn’t much knowledge in Mexico about Santa Claus, many elements of this film differed from the European portrayals of Santa. So let us enter the imaginary world of Mexico’s Santa Claus.

We begin this film with the opening credits, which seem like oversized Christmas Cards with the title. Yes, in the English version, no one gave a crap about the actors in this movie so they didn’t really mention them. Then we see clouds and castles and they are far out in space. Problem of course is there are no clouds in outer space. And when you look at this scenery with white castles, you not only have a hankering for White Castle sliders

Mmmmmm.....White Castle Sliders

You also have a strange feeling that the White Castle of Fear is nearby.

Vader Must Also Be A Neighbor Of Santa's

And they say that this palace is right above the North Pole. Of course, maybe I should mention another problem that the North Pole is on Earth and they are in space. And because I guess somebody couldn’t do a transition wipe, they just had smoke to change the scene. The scene changes to Santa Claus, who is decorating his palace for some odd reason.

Oh and one of the decorations was an actual hand puppet so when the he patted the decoration, it moved. Santa just laughs and when he laughs, you are wondering when he is going to break down into tears. Santa for some reason is talking to his decorations, which must mean that Santa Claus is very lonely.

And in the next scene, we find out he isn’t lonely since he has kids from all over the world making toys. Yep, there are no elves with Santa and I guess Santa is exempt from international child labor laws. Santa plays his piano as the kids sing. You have kids from different parts of the world embarrassing themselves with crappy singing and dancing. And how does Santa react to all this, you ask? Well, in the long time this introduction crap takes, they go back to Santa who seems to have a very perverted look on his face. It is as if Santa Claus is about to jerk off to these kids. I guess Santa is not above being a pedophile. Oh yeah, and when they mention kids from the Orient as basically being from the Middle East. Yep kids….call Middle Eastern kids Orientals. I’m sure they will have any idea what you are saying. There are also kids from the Caribbean, Mexico, and Central America. Yes, they separated three people that could have been grouped as one. Oh and the US kids are all cowboys for some odd reason. Finally, after the Mexican kids sing, this long winded segment is over.

We move on to Santa with a devil toy that has somehow reached his office. The devil toy is in fact a sparkler and with the devil spinning, we go down to hell where there are many devils dancing as if they were extremely flaming. Not good for Gay Rights groups. Meanwhile, Lucifer (who is merely a voice over fire) decides to be a party pooper and demands the dancing end. He has them all leave except for Pitch. Pitch is chief of all of Lucifer’s demons. Lucifer tells Pitch to cause trouble for Christmas and finally defeat Santa Claus. Lucifer in fact tells Pitch that he better not be defeated by that bearded old man this time and if he does not get all the children of the world to do evil, he will be punished. Well, we always knew Lucifer was a hardass. Lucifer says that instead of hot coal….Pitch will be having ice cream. That doesn’t sound to me like a good reason to succeed, but Pitch of course hates ice cream and will do as Lucifer says. Pitch is allowed to rise to Earth and starts to try and get kids to commit evil deeds.

While on Earth, Pitch shows us his power by setting a newspaper on fire. We then see a poorly done robot version of Santa Claus who looks very ugly. Meanwhile kids are looking on. We then see one kid who is good while his dad is rich. Meanwhile, there is a little girl Lupita, whose parents are very poor. We find out that Lupita wants to own a doll. Then come three boys who push and shove to the front of the crowd. As you could probably tell, they are very naughty. Pitch appears and smiles at the fact that he has found these brats. Pitch is able to convince the kids to throw rocks at the window which hit the robot Santa Claus. And because they hit the fake Santa Claus, they also hit the real Santa Claus.

Santa reels from the pain of that rock and curses the devil for his evil tricks. Santa rants that he would love to kick some of Pitch’s ass. We are in Santa’s magic observatory which looks like a rip off of Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Wait…..with that Playhouse set and Santa wanting to jerk off, could Santa be Pee Wee Herman.

Sorry, I Forgot Pee Wee, You Prefer Adult Female Porn Stars Instead

Unfortunately, this whole scene makes us feel very strange about Santa Claus. When Santa is allowed to look through the telescope, he has on that perverted look again. They find out that she is in Mexico and of course, they go to Earth first just so we remember where Mexico is.
We find the little girl watching a puppet show at a fair. Lupita’s mom tells her that it is time to go.

Unfortunately, thanks to that evil Pitch, Lupita almost thinks about stealing a doll from a store. Oh, I forgot we have an annoying narrator trying to talk to the people in the movie. I guess he didn’t get the memo that he was just a disembodied voice.

And because Lupita puts the doll back, Pitch ridicules her by saying she will now never get a doll.

Back at Santa’s observatory, Santa is extremely happy that Lupita decided not to steal the doll and said no to the devil. Santa then observes the good rich kid. Unfortunately, the kid does not want material things, but instead wants his parents to be with him on Christmas Eve. I sense some parenting issues at that household and remember, bad parenting is not just delegated to the poor. This makes Santa very sad that this kid has bad parents. Santa and his helpers then go back to Lupita to see what she is dreaming. Bad news is that Pitch is trying once again to infect Lupita with bad thoughts through her dreams. He also is panting like a dog or a perverted man. Is there one main character that doesn’t seem like a pedophile?

Pitch has her dream that she is in a large room with large dolls who are taunting her about never getting a doll if she is good and telling her that she needs to be evil. Lupita refuses to steal which gets her more taunts about the dolls. But outside of this dream sequence, we see that Lupita’s parents care about her as the father gives her his jacket as a blanket while she is asleep so she won’t be cold. At Santa’s observatory, Santa vows to make sure Pitch pays for his evil deeds, but Santa and his helpers decide to look at the three bad little boys. The three brats are under the bed making plans to steal the rich kid’s toys since he has a lot of them.

They make a statement that it is no fun to be good. They believe that Santa Claus doesn’t care about them and decide that Santa is too dumb to know who is good and who is bad so they will lie to the old man. They make fun of Santa being old which really makes Santa mad. He says that the devil is centuries older than he is and wonders why the kids follow the devil while believe that Santa is too old. Santa makes excuses by saying he hasn’t been well as of lately. So Santa being sick is the reason why he looks old? I don’t think so.

Back at the rich kid’s house, the kid writes down his wish for his parents to be with him on Christmas Eve. Another kid (some random boy) makes a tough wish, wishing for a little brother. I have a younger brother as it is…..he is in Iraq right now. Unfortunately there is no punch line there. I am just stating reality.

Anyways, the boy says he wants a brother because he gets often bored and the camera pans out to see that he is surrounded by sisters. Another random boy writes that he wants a dad or a mom. Another random kid (this one in a suit) wants a train, a slide and a bicycle. He also wants an airplane that can fly. A random little girl writes that she wants a doll and rubber shoes. We don’t know what the three brats want, but they lie about being good. After all that, the wish lists are being mailed out. At the mail station, the mailmen shoot all of the wish letters to outer space so Santa can get them. In some science defying way, the letters are all delivered to him. Back at Santa’s palace, Santa smiles at all the letters he gets. Santa reads some of the letters until he comes across the letter from the three brats. He puts that letter in the naughty bin.

At the workshop, Santa comes in and demands all the toys so he can deliver them. While Santa is preparing for Christmas Eve with his sled, kids put toys in Santa’s sack. One of the kids reminds Santa that if Santa is not back by sunrise, the reindeer turn to dust. Santa basically states that if he doesn’t get back, he would be stuck on Earth and would perish due to starvation because he eats clouds. Santa makes sure that he has everything and some of the things he has is a disappearing flower and a sack filled with dreaming dust. We also see that Santa doesn’t have any old reindeer; he has toy reindeers that he has to wind up like any toy. Santa laughs as the reindeer come to life, which is returned by the reindeer, which have a horrific laugh.
Santa leaves with hopes for peace on his castle and that Jesus, the son of God, join them so they can all be merry. For all you Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, and other religions, this movie is probably not for you. Santa leaves his palace on his reindeer run sleigh. There is also a moment where Santa gets close to the moon and the narrator has a big sigh of relief as Santa almost runs into the moon. Santa might want to avoid the binge drinking of egg nog.

Meanwhile, the devil is on the top of a house and decides that for his first attempt at stopping Santa, he will move the Chimney so Santa can’t get it. And because this is a bad movie, he actually gets away with it without any consequences. At the rich boy’s house, his parents have decided to leave for the night to be alone. At the roof of another house, the three brats are preparing for a new scheme. This time, they plan on attacking Santa, stuffing the fat man in a sack, and stealing all his toys. They also think about making Santa their slave. At Lupita’s house, Lupita is still sad as she thinks she isn’t getting the doll. Lupita doesn’t know who Santa Claus is; so her mother explains the whole story.

Meanwhile, up in the sky, Santa is descending on his first house. Santa reaches the first house and when he realizes what the devil has done to the chimney, Santa has to come up with another way to enter the house. Pitch didn’t count on Santa using another way to get into the house and throws a short fit. When Santa enters the house, he becomes aware that the kids of the house are trying to see him. He foils there plans by blowing dreaming dust in their direction, which makes the kids fall asleep. Santa then decides to play a trick on Pitch by blowing ashes up the chimney while Pitch looks down, after moving the chimney back into position. Meanwhile, at the next house, Pitch appears dancing like a moron. At the chimney, Pitch sets the fire in hopes that Santa’s ass catches on fire. He barely misses Santa’s ass so Santa has to come up with Plan B. Pitch decides to make sure the door knob is toasty so Santa will burn his hand. Unfortunately, Santa uses a window and while seeing Pitch waiting, he decides to shoot a toy cannon at Pitch’s ass. At another house (the rich boy’s house), Santa sees the kid sleeping and decides to reveal himself to the kid. Yes, he allows the kid to see him.

The kid hugs Santa and asks Santa if he loves him. Of course, Santa (being the pedophile) says he loves the boy. Santa then goes to the restaurant where the rich boy’s parents are at. He pretends to be a waiter and gives the parents a drink that persuades them to be with their son on Christmas Eve. Of course, because of this, Santa Claus eventually gives the kid what he truly wants.

Meanwhile, back at the roof of the brats’ house, the brats are prepared for their evil scheme against Santa. Pitch shows up and tries to help the brats on their scheme. Oh, but Santa is on to their plans and instead of stopping by to visit, he shoots a small light ball at them. This ball scares the kids into heading back to bed. They check to see if Santa got them anything, but find out that Santa gave them nothing. Pitch, upset at the failure of these brats, persuades them into fighting each other for his entertainment. Pitch moves on to Santa’s current location and tries to steal Santa’s sleigh. Unfortunately, the reindeer don’t allow move so he has to settle with putting a hole in Santa’s dust sack which has him lose his dream dust and his disappearing flower. Santa then goes into the next house and Pitch’s next plan is a good one. Pitch decides to persuade a dog into going after Santa. Without the dust and the flower, Santa is forced to hide in a tree while the dog barks away. Pitch then decides to wake the whole neighborhood with an idea of Santa being a burglar and faking a fire. Santa calls out for help and the kids are clueless.

Oh No.....How Will Santa Get Out Of This Pickle?

Finally, Merlin (when was he part of the story?) shows up and tells Santa to use a toy cat to distract the dog. The plan works and Santa is able to escape the whole situation before the firefighters and police officers arrive. The firefighters don’t see pitch, but see smoke in Pitch’s position and spray Pitch with water. Santa has one last stop to make and that stop is in front of Lupita’s house. He rings the doorbell and leaves a life-size doll behind. This makes Lupita and the family happy. Santa is able to get back to his palace before sunrise and Pitch’s plans to defeats Santa are foiled.

And mercifully, this movie is over.

Now, I have to say that alone….this movie is just creepy. But with the Mystery Science Theater crew, this movie is very good. Unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact that this movie makes me not want my kids to believe in Santa Claus. I mean, I don’t want my kids believing in a pedophile who will break into your home. How the hell could my kids sleep at night? This film is just very uncomfortable to watch and the fact that this should be a family film makes it even worse. In the end, I must say that never seeing this film ever again wouldn’t be a bad thing.

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