Thursday, September 24, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Hobgoblins (1988)

Monster Crap Inductee: Hobgoblins
This Is Your Brain On Drugs. Any Questions

Folks, through these last few inductions, I feel like I’ve missed some funny parts in my life. Basically, I was missing two people who had no problem saving me from the brain induced madness I was receiving. So, I got on my phone and called up those two people. Unfortunately, they didn’t find me funny and would rather watch the movies by themselves. So once again, I am forced to do this movie alone again.

The movie I am doing is a movie that my two friends had seen already. It is called Hobgoblins. It was directed by some guy named Rick Sloane. While watching this movie, I have come up with a general assumption that Rick Sloane is taking a lot of drugs. And sadly….my drug radar is pretty good, just ask John Reynolds. Actually, you can’t ask him, he is dead. Oh boy, I am going to hell for that one, aren’t I?

Also….if you look at the cover, doesn’t it seem like these monsters and this one girl are about to perform some very ugly bestiality

Hey, Fucko, We Like To Call It Inter-Species Erotica

Sorry….It seems they are about to perform some interspecies erotica. And not only that, this prostitute seems to be not minding doing all of them as there is a line waiting to screw her brains out.

Cover aside, we now begin the movie.

We see some old geezer give some young punk the unenviable task of patrolling a vacant movie studio in which they are guarding. I call this young guy, a young punk because he doesn’t seem to be listening to any of the knowledge the old man is giving to him and wont take off those goddamn headphones. Funny thought is the young punk’s name is Dennis. My brother’s name is Dennis. He was a young punk too. He never would listen to any advice the older generation would give him and would never take off those goddamn headphones when he was listening to music. He decided to join the army in a stupid decision and now, he will be heading off to Iraq in a few months and he wishes he could come home.

Anyways, the geezer tells the punk that whatever he does, he needs to stay out of one room. Being that this is a young punk, he will go into the one room he was told not to. Now the real fun or should I say crap begins. He goes to the stage and hears growling. To wonder what it is, he says Hello. I don’t know about you, but when I’m in a room I don’t know about and I hear growling noises, I tend to leave the room and close the door. That may be just me.

Anyways, this man is now on stage and he thinks he is a rock star with some of the corniest music you can find. He doesn’t sing, instead he just dances like a moron until he trips over himself and falls off stage. The scene afterwards makes you realize that he is dead

Once again, I have to stop because falling off the stage leaves you with a headache and maybe a small concussion, but not death. The old man finds him dead and quickly leaves him in there and closes the door.

The opening credits begin and we have the lovable loser by the name of Kevin. He applies to unknowingly replace the dead guy.

This man is more respectful towards the senior generation and listens to every word he says.

His home life is a different story. He has a girlfriend who is really just a complete bitch towards him and wants a strong man like one of their friend’s boyfriend, some guy from the Army. I guess he is a moron just like my brother. Oh yes, he is.

He beats up the good guy as the friend celebrates and the other one just chastises the loser for losing. There is another guy in there, but he doesn’t do a damn thing.

Now back on the job, the nice kid sees a criminal break into the facility and chases after him. He thinks the criminal goes into the same room that he isn’t supposed to be in. Thinking he has the criminal cornered, he enters the room. He doesn’t die, but he does let out the Hobgoblins, several small creatures who have the ability to kill their victims through carefully crafted illusions playing on their biggest fantasies. You know weed has the power of doing the same things. The Hobgoblins carjack a nearby golf cart and ride around in it.

They get away as the old man explains to the young man who the Hobgoblins are.

They are small creatures from outer space who are dangerous. The old man, young back when they came, locked the creatures up and stood guard over that studio, now abandoned, so that the creatures could not escape and no one would ever know about their existence. We are back from the flashback as the young man tries to recapture or kill the creatures. While leaving to search for the Hobgoblins, the Hobgoblins hitch a ride on the car.. The hobgoblins first use their powers on the nerdy middle guy who has a fantasy of meeting a call girl and getting laid. He is almost pushed off a cliff, but the fantasy ends when one of the creatures creating the fantasy is killed.

The next victim is the young female jerk who has a fantasy about being a stripper. She goes to a seedy bar called Club Scum and does a very unsexy dance.

The kids go to Club Scum and attempt to snap her back into reality. While this is happening, Army boy gets a fantasy about being in war.

He is spoken to by a general he respects and starts shooting up Club Scum in commando gear. The general then throws a grenade and tells the commando to jump on it.
He does it, supposedly killing himself

They go back to the vacant studio where the creatures have returned. Nice guy then gets struck by a fantasy about him using nunchucks to fight. The nice kid wins and then the battle turns to where the criminal has a gun. The criminal is about to shoot the kid when the old man comes out of no where and shoots the hobgoblin.

The other hobgoblins hide back in the vault they escaped from. The old man, sick of having to hide the secret, reveals that he was a regular bomb maker and blows up the studio, killing the hobgoblins.

And Boom Goes The Dynamite

After the end of the small creatures, we then find out that Army boy is still alive.

Hold On While I Call Bullshit Here
Okay, this is a big problem. This guy jumps on a load grenade with his stomach on it and blows up yet survives. In real life, he would have been dead. In war, soldiers really do this to save others from the blast, making the blast concentrate on only the stomach. This guy not only dies, but only has injuries to his legs. This is totally unrealistic and totally demeaning to every Army person who has ever had to make that sacrifice, basically saying they were all weak for dying. The movie ends with no deaths except one and I feel like I want that hour and a half of my life back.

This movie is a really bad acid trip, proving once again that the worse drugs come from the USA. Sorry, but in Japan….when people are on drugs, they create Katamari Damacy, which those who have played this game will probably tell you, it’s awesome and addictive.

In USA, when our people are on drugs, crap like this comes out

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