Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: House Of The Dead (2003)

Monster Crap Inductee: House of The Dead
Being Eaten By Zombies Is Easily Not As Bad As Watching This

Before 2003, Uwe Boll was just another director trying to make it into the business and had a few unknown films to his belt. However, by 2006, Uwe Boll would become synonymous with infamy. How could such a young person gain such a bad reputation? Simple….he created three of the worst films to ever be seen. Today, we will be looking at the first part of this trilogy that could turn any human being unfortunate enough to see these films into a person who is stuck in the corner bundled up into the fetal position.
If This Guy Approves Of Your Movie, Then Your Movie Sucks

Now I know Uwe Boll has challenged anyone who has said bad things about his movies to a boxing match and while I am tempted to take him up on this offer, I tend to look in the mirror and know two things. One, I’m not in the best shape to accept his challenge and two, what a stupid way to react to bad reviews. I mean, if every moviemaker reacted that way after creating a bad movie, we would have a never-ending fight between moviemakers and moviegoers.

I was one of the very small minority of people who paid money to see this piece of crap because, quite frankly, I had nothing better to do. Now before I hear from Uwe Boll, let me just say that the first one was probably the best of the three…..although to be quite honest, that isn’t saying much. It also had the least number of recognizable names attached to the film with one. That one being Ron Howard’s younger brother, Clint Howard.

I'm Opie's Brother.

Now before I review this movie, I must add that House of the Dead was a popular video game in 1996. Why was it popular? Why were games like the Mortal Kombat series and the Doom series popular? Because they were extremely and unapologetically violent. So violent that certain members of our elected officials got extremely pissed off. These pissed off politicians had a conference over the violence in video games and decided to create a rating system. The storyline of the video game is the following, thanks to the good people at

The year is 1998, The House of the Dead follows two agents working for a secret worldwide group, the AMS. Thomas Rogan and G. They are both sent on an assignment to investigate a panicked phone call, and a series of disappearances at a mansion inhabited by Dr. Curien, a mad scientist, notorious for dangerous, inhumane experiments. The result of the experiments are apparent the moment they arrive - biologically engineered zombies, murderous and thirsty for blood.

Rogan and G must use their wits and their weapons to find Curien and stop him before the Monsters can escape and reach civilization. The fight is more personal for Rogan, whose girlfriend Sophie was the panicked woman on the phone

However, the movie was supposed to be a prequel to the game. This was all part of Uwe Boll’s plan. His plan was to let this movie be limitally released with the major intent of becoming a cult classic. The premise of the movie was very well thought up and sounded like a good idea.

Set on an island off the coast of Seattle, a techno rave party hosted by SEGA attracts a diverse group of college coeds and a Coast Guard officer. Soon, they discover that their X-laced escapades are to be interrupted by zombies and monsters that attack them on the ground, from the air, and in the sea, ruled by an evil entity in the House of the Dead.

I Of Course Know This Because Of The Giant Sega Sign In The Background.

Everything seemed planned very well. What could go wrong? What went wrong? Find out as we dwelve into the crappy world of House of the Dead.

We begin with Simon, Alicia, Greg, Karma, & Cynthia all realise that they have missed the boat that sends them to the island where the rave is at. They encounter Captain Victor Kirk and Salish. After a bribe, the two sailors take the tardy friends to the rave. But unbeknownst to the teens, the sailors are being chased by members of the Coast Guard, led by Jordan Casper. Now, before I get any further, I went to the Internet Movie Database and I got a little info on these people. Trust me, you will need it because you probably havent heard of most of these people. Simon is played by Tyron Letso, who can only be best known for being a member of a short-lived series called Dinotopia. Alicia is played Ona Grauer, who had not done anything noteworthy at the time. Greg is played by Will Sanderson who had done the occasional Sci-Fi movies. Oh trust me, this guy has his name on a lot of crap. Cynthia is played by Sonya Salomaa, who will be most recognized in a small film called Most Xtreme Primate. Salish is of course played by Clint Howard and probably is one of the only things going for this sad movie. Captain Victor Kirk is played by Jurgen Prochnow whose most memorable role was submarine captain of a certain foreign classic called Das Boot.

DAS BOOT!!!!!!!!

Jordan Casper is played by Ellie Cornell, who is best known for getting being one of Michael Myers victims. Karma is probably the most interesting of all of these no names because she is played by Enuka Okuma, who can only be best known as a voice actor. Hell she did the voices for Lady Une for Mobile Suit Gundam Wing and did the voice of Android 18.
Include Me To This Site Again And You Will Die

Duely noted. While the group is heading towards the island, we see an average rave going on and I’m sure there are some kids messing around with the drug known as E. On the beach, there is a woman playing with another guy who is too drunk to get into the water. We see some topless action from the babe. Okay….I need to stop again because this topless chick is someone who while not recognizable at the time, ended up in a very important role for a very popular TV series on the WB. That show is called Smallville and the role she takes is as a young teenage Louis Lane. Interesting.
Smallville Nerds. You Do Get To See Her Boobs.

Anyway….this chick and her friend will die very quickly as he is taken by zombies and while running away from them, she enters an old house where there is a whole bunch of them waiting.
When the tardy group gets to the island, they end up finding out that the rave was invaded by zombies. During this revelation, we meet Alicia’s ex boyfriend, Rudy Curien (played by Johnathan Cherry, who was only known for getting killed by a picket fence in Final Destination 2). Funny just by looking at this moron, you wouldn’t think that he would unleash a horde of zombies in the arcade game. He is also accompanied by Liberty, who is played by your typical asian stereotype actress named Kira Clavell. They then reveal all this crap about zombies and…….hold up.

I am tired of watching this crappy movie that I have already seen. So to save some time, I just going to say that people die and the survivors must reunite. Also, there is a good scene that is the best thing in this whole movie.
Sadly, the best scene in this movie is made more for a music video instead of a movie (and I say that because I love the song "Fury" by Black Tiger). Basically more people die, we meet the big bad guy, there is a sword fight and the main bad guy dies because his head gets stepped on

The federal agents come in at last and we get a speech that is a teaser for the sequel. The End.

Okay, this movie was extremely a dissapointment and should never have been made. What’s even worse is the way the movie goes from movie to video game, reminding us how lacking of graphics we had back then. The whole thing makes my head spin and I don’t go to a theater to have that happen. Sadly, like I said, this was the best of his three crappy movies so we all know that the next part is even worse.

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