Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966)

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster
We’re Going To Need A Bigger Bowl Of Cocktail Sauce


I don’t care what people tell me, I will always believe that Godzilla is the greatest monster walking the face of this Earth. However, for those who have argued against Godzilla, you have some very good points on Godzilla having some crappy battles. And with that, I am going to be inducting another one of those awful battles with Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster.

Now, if you were unlucky enough to have bought this movie (I know I am….although I own every single Godzilla movie so it doesn’t matter), you would probably be wondering what the Sea Monster’s name is. Well now, you won’t have to worry because as a matter of fact, I can tell you that the monster’s name is Ebirah. Now there are only two ways of knowing this. One is to look it up on the internet somewhere and the other (for those who are lazy) is to look at the back of your video tape cover as it normally gives you the name of the Sea Monster.

Here are actually some interesting facts. Now I’m sure that when you see Ebirah, you are thinking of a giant lobster. You would be incorrect because Ebirah is technically a giant shrimp. Ebirah is derived from the word Ebi, which means shrimp. So when you see the tagline being “This is one lobster you don’t wish order”, remember that you are dealing with a shrimp and not a lobster. Another thing is this was the first movie to not be directed by Ichiro Honda, who was very much responsible for the Godzilla movies of the Showa Era.

Also, you might want to know that this monster was originally not supposed to be facing Godzilla. In fact, it wasn’t originally going to be a Godzilla movie as it was going to be a King Kong movie. However, Toho could not get the rights to King Kong this time so they had to settle with the Big G instead so they won’t have to deal with the issue of trademark rights since they own Godzilla. And all of this would be responsible for one very stinky movie.

We begin this crappy movie with the opening credits and there are actually two different opening credits. Originally there wasn’t really much on the opening credits, however….in 1991; an American company who bought the distributing rights to this film, Film Ventures International, changed the opening credits to be generic opening credits with stock footage from Son of Godzilla. Now, here is the problem with that. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster was made several years before Son of Godzilla. So if you are following Godzilla movies and wondering how Godzilla ended up where he is while Minya is not around, you can join the many people who are probably crapping on Film Ventures International for that huge oversight. However, someone realized this so they changed it later on.

We start this movie with the giant pincers of Ebirah attacking a fishing boat on the stormy seas. Of course, it destroys the boat and that will play a big role later. But once again, this was not the original way things were meant to go. Actually, the Japanese version had a scene a guy named Ryota at the Maritime Safety Agency searching for news of his brother Yata, who was one of the fishermen in the boat that was destroyed by Ebirah. He sees a poster for a dancing contest and is interested. We go to a house near the beach where an old woman is telling the mother of Ryota and Yata that Yata is still alive. Desperate to believe anything, she believes Yata is still alive, even though people around her say to just accept that he was dead. The mother says that Ryota told her that he had a plan to find Yata.

And we move to a dance competition.

It is a dancing survival contest. Basically, you dance for as long as you can until you can’t do it anymore. These contests were done a long time ago and you normally win a prize. The prize in this competition is a boat. Two guys, who might I add look like idiots dancing, are tired and leave the competition. They are Ryota’s friends Nita and Ichino. Ryota comes in and asks to enter the competition. The problem is the registration is done and he can’t enter now. Ryota wants that boat very badly and his friends tell him they will look at a boat at the docks. They drive down to the docks and go into a boat named the Yahlen. They enter and see that the boat is ready for sail tonight. As they are amazed, one of them wonders what the owner looks like. Suddenly a voice tells them that he will show you what he looks like and we see a guy named Yoshimura with a rifle pointed at them. He basically lists charges he can have filed against them and the three guys try to talk their way out of getting into trouble. The guy doesn’t believe them and threatens to call the police, but quickly changes his mind and allows them to stay the night.

In the mourning, however….Yoshimura sees that he is missing his rifle and yells at Nita and Ichino wonder where it is. They don’t know, but Ryota comes in saying he thought the gun was a toy so he was playing with it. Unfortunately, he broke it which pisses Yoshimura off so much that he wants them off the boat now. Sadly they can’t leave the boat because Ryota already took it out to sea. Yoshimura is pissed while Ryota tells him that the boat was a gift to the gods and that he will not return it. This makes Yoshimura even madder, but he eventually gives in.

Meanwhile on the radio, it is said that a sail boat was stolen and they are surprised that it is the boat they are talking about is the same boat they are on. There is then another news report about a bank robbery where money was stolen and they believe it was the work of….you won’t be hearing anymore of that because Yoshimura turned off the radio. They assume the he is the robber, but he explains that the noise bothers him. Meanwhile out on the sea, they are sailing and ask Ryota to turn the boat around one more time. He refuses and says that he is searching for his brother. It is sunset and then it goes to the next day. Hey….where did night go?

Anyway, in the boat, Yoshimura is making a skeleton key which can open any lock. They then think he is the bank robber again to which he laughs and asks if he looks like a robber to them. Ichini says that with the toy rifle, the briefcase, and a skeleton key….he sure looks like a robber. Just then, Ryota comes in and tells them that storm clouds are coming in.

That scene fades in to a storm being created and with that storm comes Ebirah’s claw which destroys the boat. They land on an island and have barely escaped with their lives. However, Yoshimura’s briefcase, which did contain the money, goes into sea. Yoshimura is pissed that its gone and when asked once again about what was in there, he says nothing of importance on this island. They then begin rock climbing to higher ground.

After struggling with the rock climbing, they run into a sword. The believe savages might be around and then they see coconuts. Or do they? Because when they say coconuts, they aren’t eating coconuts. In fact, they are eating bananas and oranges. So how do they confuse bananas and oranges with coconuts? I don’t know, but they do. After eating a bunch of them, they say that they feel like monkeys.

After laughing for a few moments, Yoshimura says that he believes this island is not deserted and uses as he calls it “a knife” as his evidence. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how you confuse knife with a sword. But they decide to look around and then they see a ship coming in. They try to shout and one of them of them yells with the sword high above him. I don’t know about you, but that would seem to me to be the yelling of a savage.

They then realize the ship is docking on the island so they chop their way to see the ship. From a ledge, they see the ship and Yoshimura feels that something is fishy about that ship. A captain with an eye patch comes to another captain and talk about his shipment arriving early. They then force people in lesser class outfits out. These people are natives from Infant Island, the home of Mothra.

They are being captured and are slaves to these soldiers. The soldiers are called the Red Bamboo and are basically a terrorist organization.

Great….not only do we have crappy seafood, but we have a pathetic rip-off of Cobra

This Is An Insult To The Great Name Of Cobra!!!

Several of the natives try to make an escape and steal a conveniently placed canoe out to sea. The Red Bamboo people chase them until they get to the canoe and stop. The go back to the ship and watch the natives get attacked by Ebirah. Yes, this is the first time that you will see the monster in his true form. Ebirah destroys their boat with his pincer claw and uses his other claw to impale the dead natives, making them shish kabob.

The Red Bamboo soldiers laugh and tell the others that if they are thinking of escaping, they can think again. In the Japanese version, they do call the monster Ebirah, but in the American version, they just call Ebirah the monster. They force them into the basement and the one eyed captain, Commander Yamato, gets a call from his boss. The boss tells him that he must be losing eyesight in his other eye as a young woman escaped into the jungle. He is told to go after her as we see this young woman go into the jungle and sees trees and bushes moving. For some reason she was able to get a knife and she swings like mad, thinking it is soldiers from the Red Bamboo. However, it is not the Red Bamboo; it is the Ryota, Yoshimura, Ihini, and Nita. When she sees that it isn’t them, she runs away. They catch up to her and try to explain themselves. She believes them and is about to introduce herself when she see the balloon and sees the men chasing them. They all run into a cliff and look to be surrounded. When the Red Bamboo comes, the soldiers think they fell off the cliff, but they are instead hiding on the ledge underneath.

They find a cave near the ledge and enter the cave and feel a breeze meaning another entrance is near. They enter the cave as it starts to rain. Lightning creates a giant hole as the young woman prays to the sky. The four guys ask what she is doing and she says that she is praying to Mothra and it didn’t hear her prayer. She introduces herself as Daiyo and says she is from Infant Island. Ryota asks if there are any Japanese people there and she answers that there is only one. He asks what his name is and she says his name is Yata. She reveals that he got to the island about a month ago, which makes Ryota happy as he knows his brother is alive. He says he needs to get to the island immediately, but of course he is reminded of the Red Bamboo and Ebirah. Yeah, that would kill a lot of chances of getting off that island. They call him a mammoth lobster, but once again….he is a giant shrimp. When asked how she got here, she reveals that she was taken by the men of Red Bamboo.

We move to a scene where the slaves are working on creating barrels with fruit. They are praying, and that praying is stop by shots being fired. The Red Bamboo soldiers tell the slaves to get back to work. Meanwhile back in the cave, Daiyo believes that Mothra is asleep and that Mothra will hear their prayers sooner or later. While Ryota, Yoshimura, Ichini, and Nita talk about the believe system on Infant Island, we go to the people of Infant Island who are praying and dancing. We also see the tiny twins singing to Mothra. Now if none of you are aware of the twins, they are the annoying part of every Mothra movie ever made…..well, except for Godzilla, Mothra, & King Ghidorah as well as Destroy All Monsters. We see Mothra just laying there sleeping. Damn lazy moth.

Back at the cave, they talk about the Red Bamboo and plan an attack. One of them tries to refuse and throws his rock down a whole, but sees that something is in that hole, and that one thing is….Godzilla.

We move to the night and we see the four guys and Daiyo hiding behind a fake bush. Yoshimura shows his skeleton key and says he can open any lock. They then say that he has to be the robber, but Yoshimura explains that it doesn’t matter at this time what he did. He says they are going to fight with there brains which sounds like a crack pot idea to the others. Daiyo is very quiet and just has a dove with her. They continue with their fake bush and one of them trips, causing noise. Spotlights go towards the fake bush and they stand still. Daiyo releases the dove and the soldiers who see it, thinking it is nothing more that an animal, get the spotlights off the bush. The guys and gal move again behind the bush and reach a door. Yoshimura uses his skeleton key and successfully opens the door. They are in the hallway, see several scientists, find gas bottles and crawl through equipment while trying to find a way out. However, when crawling, they run into a shoe. That shoe belongs to the one man who sees them, Commander Yamato. He tells them to get up and when they do, Yoshimura throws the gas bottles at them. The gas distracts the guards while Ryota, Yoshimura, Ichini, Nita, and Daiyo run for it.

They go out the back and use the old two metal pieces with two guys carrying them trick. They try to open the gate which creates an alarm. Ryota and Nita run as Ryota gets his foot caught on a rope on an air balloon. Ichini tries to use the rope as well, but it is shot down and while Ryota leaves on the balloon, Nita is captured by the troops. The other three get into the jungle and escape.

The next day, Yoshimura, Ichini, and Daiyo are in the cave surveying the situation of what just happened. Daiyo believes Ryota can make it to Infant Island while the other two don’t. They are all in all about to give up when they hear a heart beat. It is Godzilla’s heart which means Godzilla is alive. Meanwhile, Nita is thrown into the cage with the rest of the slaves. He introduces himself as Daiyo’s friend and the slaves show that are making a formula to get Ebirah away from the Red Bamboo. Back at the cave, Daiyo is praying to Mothra, which allows us to go back to Infant Island, where they are dancing and praying.

Well, this spiritual version of Dance Dance Revolution is interrupted by Ryota landing on the balloon.

Ryota is helped by the people of Infant Island and reunited with his brother Yata. Both Ryota and Yata are told of the soldiers who are capturing their people and using them as slaves. Back on the island, the Red Bamboo soldiers are shooting randomly anywhere. Back in the cave, Ichini gets the bright idea to wake up Godzilla. After a debate, they get an interesting idea to use wire, the sword and lightning to wake the monster up. Back at the cave, they decide to make a phony batch of liquid using leaves instead of the fruit.

Back at Infant Island, Yata and Ryota are using a canoe with yellow liquid to get back to the island without being killed by Ebirah. Back at the cave, they are waiting for a storm. Suddenly, storm clouds have arrived which means good news to Yoshimura, Ichini, and Daiyo. But it is bad news for Ryota and Ichini, who are in the water in a canoe. The two lose their liquid and are attacked unfortunately by Ebirah. However, the lighting trick has worked and Godzilla is now awake.

Godzilla gets out of the mountain as the Red Bamboo soldiers notice him and run. He breaks through several parts of the cliff and when seeing Ebirah, attacks. Ebirah also sees him and diverts his attention away from Yata and Ryota. A battle commences with rock throwing. I swear, we have a mixture of tennis and soccer with these attacks. They then resort to water splashing and fire attacks. Ebirah hides as Godzilla goes into the water. Ebirah attacks again, but Godzilla beats him again as Ebirah goes back underwater. Suddenly, Godzilla goes underwater in an action that seems as if he slipped on a banana peel. No…instead, it was Ebirah pulling Godzilla under. A small battle resumes as Godzilla hits Ebirah with a rock, causing the giant shrimp to run.

The next day, Yoshimura is using a plan to capture Red Bamboo soldiers, but two of there traps capture Ryota and Yata instead. After being let down, Yata wants to help the people who are in trouble. They try to stop him, but after he leaves…they follow him. They get to a path are seen by the Red Bamboo and chased up the mountains. Daiyo seems cornered, but Godzilla is in the mountains. Godzilla chases the Red Bamboo soldiers away and looks at Daiyo interestingly.

The good guys try to rescue her, but see Godzilla and hide. Godzilla sits down as he watches Daiyo as if interested. What is this….Hooters?
Hooters.....It's Godzilla Approved

Godzilla seems to be about to fall asleep when he strangely gets a strange order of Hot Wings, in a giant condor. The Giant Condor attacks Godzilla, but in a quick pointless battle, the bird is defeated and tries to make a run for it. Unfortunately for the bird, Godzilla breathes fire and burns the bird to a crisp. And there goes Godzilla’s hot wings. Godzilla then seemingly scratches his nose, but don’t worry….he isn’t. He is copying a victory sign from Yuichi Tanuama, who is the main character of Toho’s popular Wakadaisho/Young Guy movie series.

Either That Or Godzilla Has An Itch On His Nose That He Needs To Scratch

Godzilla goes back to sitting down and gets attacked again….this time from jets courtesy of the Red Bamboo. The jets fire missiles at the Big G, but he makes short work of them. However, during this rather short battle, Yoshimura, Ryota, Yata, and Ichini use this to rescue Daiyo from Godzilla. Godzilla responds to that attack from the Red Bamboo jets by attacking the Red Bamboo base.

The Red Bamboo soldiers try to fight back, but you know as well as anyone else that their weapons have no effect on him. While Yoshimura, Ryota, Daiyo, and Ichini are watching all of this, they realized that Yata is going to try to free the slaves again. They aren’t happy about this, but they decide to follow Yata. Meanwhile, Godzilla continues to destroy the base and unfortunately, the slaves’ prison gets affected, scaring the forced labor badly.

Because of Godzilla’s attack, the Red Bamboo soldiers have no choice but to destroy the base via a timer and a underground nuclear bomb. They go into the prison and steal the barrels while leaving the forced labor behind to die. Luckily for them, Yata and Yoshimura are nearby to save them. Yata, Yoshimura, Nita, as well as the others try to stop the Red Bamboo soldiers from blowing up the island, but Godzilla destroys the place so they aren’t able to stop the timer and unfortunately have two hours left. They only have one choice left…..hope that Mothra comes to save them.

Meanwhile, the Red Bamboo soldiers try to escape from the island, but because of the phony liquid, their boat is destroyed by Ebirah. Godzilla then goes after Ebirah and another battle begins while back on land they try to create a net so Mothra can save them. Jeez….I wonder who will win this battle.

Godzilla uses his fire immediately while Ebirah goes under and drags Godzilla underwater.

Back on Infant Island, we see more spiritual Dance Dance Revolution.

There then begins a montage of shots involving the nuclear device, the dancing, the building of the net, and the battle between Godzilla and Ebirah. At Infant Island, Mothra finally wakes up and prepares to make the save. During the battle, Godzilla rips both arms off of Ebirah so Ebirah is forced to retreat armless while Godzilla taunts him with his own pincers.

Mothra comes to the rescue and Godzilla sees him. Godzilla wants another shot at Mothra due to their on again-off again relationship and Mothra goes to fight Godzilla. Mothra actually beats Godzilla this time and after winning, helps the people off of the island. Godzilla looks on as the people try to warn the king of the monsters to get off the island. Godzilla takes the hint and dives into the water as the island explodes.


The movie ends with the rescued people happy that Godzilla is safe from the exploding island.

Well…this wouldn’t be the last time that we saw the sea monster. After seeing his stock battle with Godzilla in Godzilla’s Revenge, he would resurface in Godzilla: Final Wars where he would basically be the joke monsters. He was not only killed along with Hedorah in the second fastest kill in the movie (I actually timed the battles, they are only barely longer than Godzilla vs. Zilla), he had his ass kicked earlier by the mutant task force and lost both his arms there as well. He had to be saved by the Xilians in that battle.

Once again, this is another movie where I can say it sucks. The people of King Kong were actually smart to go with a different script than this movie (although King Kong Escapes sucked as well) as Ebirah is just a pathetic monster. Also, who should be afraid of a giant shrimp and let’s not get any confusion, it is a giant shrimp, not a lobster. People would rather eat that monster than be afraid of it. In fact, I have the perfect man in mind to cook this monster.


It must be really bad though that in an interview with AMC, a director responsible for alot of crap, Roger Corman blamed the director of Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster for screwing up the legacy of Godzilla. Now while that legacy is still intact, when a director who creates crap for a living says you are crap, that must be something.

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