Monster
Crap Inductee: Alien From LA
This
Movie Should Have Fallen Down A Bottomless Pit
1988
Ladies
and gentlemen, you are in for a huge shock because in the more than 200 Monster
Crap inductions, this will be the first time we talk about The Cannon Group.
Created
in 1967, they for 12 years made low budget films and were going to go out of
business in 1979, until they were bought by two Israeli cousins Menahem Golan
and Yoram Globus. These two gentlemen forged a very good business model in
buying bottom of the barrel scripts and just putting them into production. They
did many different type of films, but their bread and butter were action movies
and in the 80s and video markets, B level action movies were all the rage.
Their biggest get was getting the rights to Charles Bronson’s Death Wish and
they made 3 sequels off that movie, each being almost as outrageous at the
last. They also got into the Ninja craze with plenty of Ninja movies like The
Ninja Trilogy and the American Ninja series. They also made big money deals
with certain stars that got them to go carte blanche for the most part on what
they wanted to make. Unfortunately in 1988 (this movie’s release year), Cannon
was making too much risky investments in movies with little in the return so
they were getting desperate. This will not be one of those films as this is
more of a cheaper expense.
Enter
Albert Pyun who made a few cult movies and this time, was commissioned by Golan
and Globus to make a low budget film to ape off the idea of Jules Verne’s story
Journey to The Center of The Earth. This film was mostly shot in Africa thanks
to the studio owned by Avi Lerner in Johannesburg, South Africa.
This
is also model Kathy Ireland’s debut film. Oh and this is a doozy of a story. It
seems Albert Pyun just decided he wanted Kathy Ireland in his film after seeing
a photo of her. She then was hired immediately with no screen test whatsoever
and this was of course to her complete surprise. How much of a surprise, you
ask? Well, so much of a surprise that she got hired for a movie that after
getting the role to this movie, she started to take acting lessons because she
had never planned on being an actress and did not want to embarrass herself.
Then the filmmakers decided to make her the lead because they had no one else
that they thought could be the lead (despite her having zero acting
experience).
For
the rest of the crew, they hired decent character actors like William Moses (who
was Cole Gioberti in the soap opera Falcon Crest), Deep Roy (who worked in one
of the Pink Panther sequels, several Jim Henson films, a few Star Wars films,
Flash Gordon, and many films you may know), and Thom Mathews (who called Jason
a “pussy” in Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives and was in Return
Of The Living Dead 1 & 2).
And
we have a past Monster Crap alumni in Deep Red who was in How The Grinch Stole
Christmas and Mafia.
Jeff
Celentano is in this film.
Terry
Norton (he was Teri Harper in From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money), Megyn
Shott (uncredited as Woman In Bar Booth in Werewolf), and Ashley Waldorf
(uncredited as Paramedic Driver in The Mangler) are in this film
And
with that all said and done, let’s go into the movie proper.
We
begin this movie with some text.
I
Prefer The Fish
We
then meet our girl Wanda Saksmussen (seriously, that is her last name) with her
friend Sandy.
Sandy
Is The One Laying Down
Sandy
explains to Wanda that Wanda’s boyfriend broke up with her on the answering
machine. Wanda know that and just wants to know why so she confronts her soon
to be ex-boyfriend named Robbie.
He
explains that she has no adventure as she never wants to go anywhere and she
explains that she scared of flying and she gets carsick. Wanda says she will
change, but Robbie doesn’t believe her. Oh and if you are wondering about the
mousy voice, get used to it because she sounds like that through the entire film.
After
that scene of embarrassment, Wanda is driven to work by Sandy at a roller skate
diner called Saks.
I’m
Surprised Saks Fifth Avenue Did Not Put A Stop To This Place Using That Name
Wanda
explains that her whole life has been full of rejection as her dad left her
(he’s an explorer) and her mom left her too (her mom didn’t have a choice in
the matter as she was run over by a car).
Although
They Never Say What Happened, I Suspect Christine Had Something To Do With It
Wanda
says no one wants her for anything and then her aunt Pearl comes to say she
wants her….to get to work.
Wanda
gets out and says to herself that she is going to change her life for the
better, before accepting that she probably isn’t going to do that. She then
asks God to make something happen in her life.
This
Is God. I’m Kind Of Busy Right Now Trying To Cause The Soviet Union To Fall
Apart And End This Stupid Cold War, But Since You Ask Nicely And Said
Anything…I’ll Give You One Of My Ideas I Had When I Was High One Time. Let’s
See What You Can Do With That.
We
then get the opening credits and we meet Wanda’s father, Professor Arnold
Saksmussen, who is in some ancient tomb somewhere in North Africa.
So
Busy He Doesn’t Even Have Time To Remove The Cobwebs Off His Face
He
then presses a button and a door opens. He goes up some stairs and falls into a
hole.
And
There Is Our Opening Title Card
We
then see the workings of the mail as a letter about Wanda’s father is written,
then delivered to a postman who runs to a plane, then the plane leaves for
wherever this movie is taking place, then the mail is delivered via mailman to
Wanda.
And
If You Believe This Movie, All Of This Happened In One Hour From Letter Writing
To Delivery To Wanda. If Anyone In The Mail System Knows, That Is Virtually
Impossible As It Takes Freaking Days To Deliver Mail From Sender To Receiver.
Anyway,
the letter tells Wanda that her father fell down a bottomless pit and is
presumed dead. Inside is also plane tickets for her to go to Africa so she can
be there for her father’s will. Aunt Pearl tells Wanda that she is sorry about
her father’s passing. Wanda decides this is the opportunity to go somewhere so
she is off to North Africa. She leaves and looks up to God and asks if this is
a little extreme.
Hey,
God Here Once Again!!! I Said I Was High When I Made This Idea And You Said
Anything!!!! This Is My Only Offer!!!! So Either Shit Or Get Off The Pot!!! I
Got Better Things To Do!!!!
So
Wanda heads to Africa on a plane.
Okay…I
Know If I Am On A Flight And Am Scared Of Flying, I Wont Go Cross Eyed And Look
Like An Idiot
Wanda
lands in Africa and is escorted to her father’s hotel room by his colleague Paddy
Mahoney.
Wanda
is tired as she talks about her dad and ultimately just falls asleep as she had
a long ride from wherever she lived to Africa. She then wakes up from her
nightmare even more dully surprised.
Yeah….MST3K
Were Very Correct With Kathy Ireland’s Dull Surprise Face
Wanda
then goes through her dad’s things and sees that her dad had a theory that our
ultimate ancestors were aliens who landed on Earth in a ship called Atlantis
and at some time, that ship with people in it were plunged deep underground by
earthquakes and they live at the center of the Earth.
I
Have The Book On Audible With Tim Curry Reading And I’ll Get To That At Some
Point, But I Have A Few Other Books To Read Before Then.
Anyway,
her response is like any stoner in saying "Far out".
Since
It Was The 80s, I Don’t Doubt Drugs Were Involved In Making This
She
then hears something and goes to a door. This door leads to the freaking tomb.
A-Bullshit….Sorry,
I’m A Little Alergic To Lazy Contrivances
She
falls down the ladder as it breaks. She looks around, but knocks something over
which causes a series of BS that create an earthquake.
Just
Turn The Crank, And Snap The Plank, And Boot The Marble Right Down The Chute,
Now Watch It Roll And Hit The Pole, And Knock The Ball In The Rub-A-Dub- Tub,
Which Hits The Man Into The Pan. The Trap Is Set, Here Comes The Net! Mouse
Trap, I Guarantee, It’s The Craziest Trap You’ll Ever See.
Wanda
runs and like her dad, she falls into that same bottomless pit.
She’s
In The Hole!
Wanda
wakes up on the area that is dark and full of small geysers. She calls up the
hole for Mr. Mahoney, but I have a strong doubt he will be able to hear her in
any way. She also finds her glasses and a pocket watch that obviously belonged
to her dad.
She
also finds footsteps and follows them. As she walks around this giant cavern,
she hears voices and sees a miner getting held up by two thugs named Mago and
Loki.
They
want his claim to whatever he has found and he will not give it to them. Wanda
throws a rock which distracts the thugs and the miner knocks out one of the
thugs while another Wanda rock throw knocks out the other. The miner asks if
she is okay, which she says she is and Wanda is able to convince the miner not
to kill the two thugs. He ties up the two thugs instead and reveals a troll
mule who is hibernating.
When
Wanda asks where they are, the miner explains that this is Atlantis as the people
down here do not know about the surface world. She lies about living down there
and is looking for her missing father. He explains to her that this is really
the Atlantis wastelands and the city of Atlantis is days away. The miner says
he has to head to the city to file his claim for this area of the wasteland and
she decides to come with him. As they try to get in, she accidentally knocks
over the tractor and her glasses break so for the rest of the movie, she will
be without her glasses and you will see through the rest of this movie that
despite needing glasses, losing them does not affect her whatsoever.
Oh
Well, Plothole…
He
asks where she is from and she warns him by saying it is a long story, he tells
her it is a long ride so she goes on and on before finally, the miner just
tells her to shut up as she is getting on his nerve. Basically, she says she is
from the service world and a place called L.A. so he thinks she is crazy. Then
we get a montage of them going to Atlantis with several times the vehicle they
are driving breaking down. They have to walk on foot and arrive at Atlantis.
Looks
Like An Underground Jersey City
The
miner wants to register his claim to the area he is finding. They finally
introduce themselves and we find out this miner is Guten “Gus” Edway. We’ll
just call him Gus through the rest of the induction. We then see the news
basically saying the government is denying all gossip about them finding an
alien.
Terrible
Way To Present The News, But What Would I Know As I Only Have A Certificate At
The Connecticut School Of Broadcasting.
We
also hear via a voice speaker that any suspicious visitor should be reported to
your government official and hiding any is punishable by death. We see an
individual being arrested by the government and they are led here by General
Rykov.
Who
Looks Weirdly At Wanda As She Passes By
Wanda
also realizes that these people probably don’t know what outer space is nor
have they ever seen the moon, the sun, the stars, or blue skies. He tells her
to lay off the surface world stuff because that could get you into big trouble
around here. Of course some of her dialogue is heard by this weird lady.
Played
By The Same Actress Who We Just As General Rykov. Yeah, Several Actors Here
Have Duel Or Even Triple Roles. One Even Has Quadruple Roles In This Film.
They
then go to Roryis Saloon and we meet Roryis Freki, who owns the place and who
Gus has a thing for.
Played
By The Same Actress We Saw Earlier As Aunt Pearl
We
also see Counselor Triton Crassus on the TV as he once again tells the reporter
that the reports of aliens are false.
He’s
The One With The Makeup Over His Eyes And He Is Played By The Same Actor As The
Mailman Earlier
We
see Wanda getting new clothes so she looks less weird around here and uses
something to make her look prettier.
Roryis
tells her that her dress is strange as she has never seen material like what is
on her dress before. Wanda lies and says she is from out of town. Roryis warns
her that it is dangerous for strangers in Atlantis these days as people get
kidnapped and no one hears from them ever again. After Roryis leaves, Wanda
wonders why her dad would want to come to a place like this, forgetting that he
fell in a hole so I doubt he had a choice in the matter.
We
then go to the government house as we see her dad Arnold getting tortured under
the watchful eye of General Rykov who is convinced he is a spy for the aliens
who want to invade Atlantis.
Gus
comes with her also in better clothes and he tells Wanda to wait around. He
tells her that he has to wait until tomorrow to file his claim and after that,
he will help her find her dad. We also see that Roryis is not happy with Gus
running out on her to find this claim, despite him telling her he will be rich.
At a club where they eat, the food here looks unappetizing.
Gus
goes to use the phone as he knows someone who may be able to help Wanda. But
while he is away, the weird lady then drugs and kidnaps Wanda.
She
takes her to the boss of the underworld criminal element Mambino, who runs an
underground troll wrestling arena.
Those
Prosthetics On Deep Roy’s Eyes Look Like A Pain In The Tuchus
And
as they are negotiating how much she is worth, they talk about how she has “big
bones”. Apparently, this thing about big bones is used in the rest of the movie
and for the life of me, I have no idea what they mean. It can’t be because she
weighs more because honestly, calling Kathy Ireland fat is an insult. The only
thing I can guess is she is kind of taller than most women at 5’10.
Unfortunately, I don’t think we will ever know because the only person who
could definitively tell us is the director and he has sadly passed away. So I’m
going to save you the trouble and just mentioned the “woman with big bones”
here and nowhere else because I cannot answer that question.
So
he pays Shank (that is revealed to be the strange woman’s name) 400 shiny ones
for the “alien” when she wanted 500 and tells her not to push her luck. Then
after leaving, she goes to the government and tells Consul Crassus that Mambino
has an alien.
Tritus
then calls Rykov and tells her about the alien. Meanwhile, Mambino doesn’t
trust Shank (with good reason) so he tries to find a place to hide Wanda and
one of the places he thinks of is his bed (yeah, he may want to sleep with
her). Mambino reveals he plans on sending her to the government because they
buy aliens. Wanda wakes up and still high off the drug laughs that Mambino
thinks she is an alien.
Gus
goes to the underground troll fighting arena and asks around for Wanda.
He
sees Wanda being taken away by Mambino and his men and decides to go after
them. Gus confronts them. A fight ensues between Gus and the henchmen which
gives Wanda a chance to knock out Mambino and run away. With the henchmen and
Mambino beaten, Gus takes Wanda away from these alleys. As they go down a
ladder, Gus tells her his plan to meet up with a Professor Ovid Galba, who can
try to get her out of Atlantis. Wanda still wants to find her dad, but Gus
cares only about getting her out of there.
They
get separated because one of the goons attacks Gus and Wanda gets knocked into
some pillows. Wanda gets chased by Shank, who has government officials with her
and they end up taking Wanda’s photo.
As
Wanda is running, she sees that they have broadcast a picture of her with the
person on the news saying that if you catch her, you get lots of money.
People
nearby fight over who should claim her and the lots of money and she gets away
in the kerfuffle. She gets some clothes
and goes in disguise to hopefully get away from the mob that wants the money.
Meanwhile, Gus finds the Ovid hiding in the pits.
Again
A Duel Role As This Is The Same Actor Who Played Paddy Earlier
Gus
explains the circumstance of why he went out of his way to find him and Ovid
decides to help. Back at the store, Wanda pays for her clothes with her Walkman
and her clothes and now looks like she could be in Lawrence Of Arabia.
A
goon seems to have captured Wanda, but she is saved by a man named Charmin’
She
is obviously attracted to him, but he pretends to be not interested in her as
he has plans to steal some money. He again saves her from a goon and he now
decides that he will help her. As they talk about her issues, Charmin’ is
shocked that Wanda is going through all this trouble to save her father because
he seems like a real “selfish pebblehead” to him. Charmin’ starts falling for
her too (because of course he is. Despite the annoying voice, it is still Kathy
Ireland). They once again defeat the goon from the second time he had to save
her because he is back for more. They have to go their separate ways as
Charmin’ wants Wanda to get out of Atlantis and he’ll hold them off.
After
a few minutes, she gets immediately captured by government officials and Gus
seems he heading to the government building. As Wanda is waiting in a jail
cell, both Rykov and Crassus are arguing with each other as Lord Over is
looking on. Rykov wants Wanda killed and Crassus thinks Wanda should be
returned to the surface world, but she needs to not reveal their existence to
the surface world.
For
Some Odd Reason, That Chair Lord Over Sits In Always Spins So Either He Is A
Child Or That Chair Is Out Of Control
Lord
Over agrees initially with Crassus, but he wants to see Wanda before he makes
his final verdict. Wanda is brought before him and she is about to clear the
whole mess up (and save herself and her dad) when Gus shows up and runs away
with the two, thinking he is saving them. Unfortunately, that whole thing
basically makes Over think that they are spies and now wants her captured.
Nice
Going, Dumbass…
As
Gus looks for a way out, Wanda and her dad have a heart to heart and he plans
on never leaving her again. We also find out that the government building was
the spacecraft that the Atlanteans go plunged into the center of the Earth in.
They
try to get to the outskirts of the city and the wastelands and they find the
climber created by Ovid that can get the two back to the surface world. Gus
tells Wanda that he has decided that he is going to try and settle down with
Roryis. Unfortunately, before the two humans can get back to the surface world,
they get apprehended by Rykov and Crassus.
That
smile from Rykov at the thought of executing them disappears real quick when
Crassus decides to deck her right in the face.
Crassus
makes sure the goons say nothing about what he did and lets Wanda and her dad
leave for surface world.
Wanda
wakes up next to Aunt Pearl, sadly thinking it was all dream. But it wasn’t as
her dad shows up confirming all of it happened.
So
we go back to the beach as Robbie with his new girlfriend cannot believe what
Sandy is telling her about Wanda going to Africa and finding her dad.
We
then see that Wanda has definitely cleaned herself up and looks a bit more
attractive than at the beginning of the film.
Robbie
tries to get back with her (despite having a new girlfriend) and Wanda rejects
him.
He
May Be Happy Now, But You Know His New Girlfriend Is Going To Kick His Ass For
That BS He Tried There.
Wanda
walks and she runs into a guy in a motorcycle who is new in town and wonders if
she can help him know the area.
It’s
Charmin’
They
hug and we see an ending that says she lived happily ever after.
This
was a direct to video film so we don’t know the actual numbers, but it must
have done okay because there is actually a sequel to this film called Journey
To The Center Of The Earth that was released the next year. Most critics did
not like this film, but Joe Bob Briggs found this film to be pretty decent. But
most of us would not know of this film if it was not for Mike and the bots
riffing it on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Because of that and other Albert
Pyun films, it has gotten a cult like status.
Unfortunately
like I said at the beginning, Cannon Films as well as Golan and Globus were
losing money and by 1990, Golan and Globus went their separate ways and in
1994, Cannon filed for bankruptcy. They are a shining example of when you take
big risks and you lose badly (especially if you are not a big studio), you are
sadly going to go out of business.
Most
people continued acting although there were a number that retired from acting
after this film and never did another thing. Unfortunately, there has also been
some people who are no longer with us. Richard Haines (who played Professor
Arnold Saksmussen) left this mortal coil two years after this movie came out in
1990. Drummond Marais (who played Belli The Bookie, Bellguy The Busybody, and
Maintenance Chief) passed away in his 60s in 2012. Tony Epper (who played
Terminating Hood) died at the age of 73 from cancer. Denis Smith (who played
the Anchorman) left this mortal coil in 2015. Tom Williams (who played one of
Mambino’s Hoods) passed away in 2018 at the age of 89. Albert Pyun (the
director) died in 2022 at the age of 69 after suffering for years with dementia
and multiple sclerosis.
So
for my final thoughts on this film and I did not like this film. But then
again, I probably watched this film when I was more of a teenager and I have a
strong feeling this film was meant more for children and if I watched this as a
kid on a rental night, I might have a different experience with it. Most
everyone is suitable and the sets are decent, but Kathy Ireland basically acts
like someone who didn’t have any acting experience and very little acting
lessons, but then again….she really was put in a real bad spot in her being
cast as the lead. I really feel kind of bad for her as she was really sent out
to completely fail here, especially with them making her have that terrible
mousy voice throughout the film. But I will say as an induction, this was
easier to do than some films I liked more like Studio 666 or Mighty Morphin’
Power Rangers.
Finished
with that film and 3, 2, 1….
Hello, Shithe…Wait, Did You Just Do A Countdown On Me.
Yeah,
you’re pretty predictable in that you interrupt me as I was about to say
something else after finishing my final thoughts on a film.
Well…
*NegaSeth
throws a DVD and it hits Seth’s face.*
Ow…what
the hell?
Try
predicting that, asshole.
*NegaSeth
just leaves.*
I
think I may have touched a nerve there. Oh well, let’s see what I have to
induct next.
Oh
Joy….Brooke Hogan (Sarcasm)
