Monster Crap Inductee: Laserblast (1978)

Monster Crap Inductee: Laserblast
Featuring Yertle The Turtle Without His Shell

1978

Yesterday, it was my mom’s birthday so instead of looking up material for my latest induction Laserblast, I was instead getting presents for my mom because I am a very good son.

Anyway, this movie Laserblast is not even viewable for a second time, unless you have the Mystery Science Theater version. Then this movie gets the entertainment that was so lacking with Crow, Tom Servo, and Mike Nelson commenting on the movie. Damn, they should bring that show back so Crow and Tom Servo can stop borrowing money from me when they won’t even help me out. I could continue about the year, but I don’t want to bore you so without further ado, its time for my look into the crap that is Laserblast.

The movie begins with a man who looks like a caveman with a arm laser gun shooting at a bunch of aliens. The aliens look like complete turtles without their shells. And yes, I stole that line from MST3K. I will be stealing several lines from them so I can entertain you. It seems these aliens have a metal detector. Oh great, intelligent life forms, yet the best they can track a guy with is a metal detector. That sounds real impressive. Anyways, the aliens eventually kill the man and leave, without taking the freaking arm gun with them.

They also forgot the necklace that allows the gun to fire.

We finally meet our main character Billy Duncan, who is being left alone at home by his mom. But before she leaves, Billy has a look at his mom’s ass. Oh god….its incest again. Thankfully it isn’t. The boy still calls his mother mommy and yet he is supposed to be grown up. He also has no shirt so I have no ides what that is supposed to prove. Anyways, he drives off in a white van until he stops and finally puts a shirt on. He goes to pick up his girlfriend; however he is chased off by a really old man who really looks like he hasn’t shaved a day in his life. Also, did I mention that Billy is played by Kim Milford? I didn’t and you don’t know who he is? Well, I’ll answer the second problem for you. He is nobody important, other than a guy who looks too much like James Spader without the acting. Anyways, back to the old man, this guy looks like he hasn’t taken off that uniform in quite some time as well. He is still called Colonel, yet Colonel Sanders looks more like a real Colonel than this moron.

As Billy drives somewhere else, he is stopped by two police officers. One of the cops looks like Hank Williams Jr., that guy who sings for Monday Night Football. The other…..I have no idea who he looks like.

Are You Ready For Some Football!!!!

Anyways, Billy stops by the gas station where he is harassed by a dumb jock and his geek sidekick. Funny, I always though the jocks beat up the geeks, not have them around as their sidekicks. Billy drives off into the desert for no reason when he finds the necklace and the arm gun. I just noticed that the arm gun looks like a giant bong. Billy starts acting like a kid when he finds a fake gun.

Now I Can Be Mega Man. Bring On Those Robot Masters.

He realizes that the necklace gives him the power to fire the gun. We then meet a secret government agent named Tony Craig. Nothing interesting happens with this guy in this scene.

After all of that, we finally see Billy’s girlfriend Kathy Farley. She rides a moped over to the spot where they hang out. What do they do at this hangout? To have a picnic. She asks him to be more ordinary as most of the people who probably watched this movie fell asleep. We find out now that the aliens have realized their error and now have to go back to earth to kill the person who has the gun this time. I wonder why they would want to kill him

Don't Wanna Be An Alien Idiot....

The couple ends up at a birthday party where nothing exciting happens so we can skip it.

In the night, Billy starts losing control and destroys the jock and geek’s ride with the gun. You can tell he is losing control because of the makeup he is wearing. After that scene, we see Football boy and his partner. They meet with Mr. Craig to talk about strange events happening in town. The town is closed off as per orders of the government. Meanwhile, Billy goes to see Dr. Mellon about a certain lump that is growing on his chest. Sadly, Dr. Mellon does not have a melon as a head. If he did, this movie might be a bit more interesting. Dr. Mellon removes a strange piece of metal from his chest and wants to figure out what it is. He doesn’t get there before the monster version of Billy kills him. Meanwhile, the aliens realize that Billy has gone insane already. While Billy drives, he gets arrested by Football cop and his partner. They see the scar on his chest and send him on his way. Mr. Craig goes over to analyze the piece of metal sample that was with Dr. Mellon before he died. He, along with another doctor, finds out that the metal is not of this earth.

Back at a gas station, Football cop and his partner are killed by the monster version of Billy. After that interesting scene, we go back to the day time where Billy and Kathy have sex in an extremely boring scene with really bad music. After having sex, Kathy finds the necklace and awakens the monster version of Billy. Scared for her life, she runs off screaming. Billy then starts shooting anything in site like a crazed animal with a gun. Billy gets attacked by cops in an old dust cropper, proving these cops have nothing better to do. Billy then meets his rivals, the jock and geek who have a new car, and blows this to smithereens just because he can. In this scene I just realized the nerd sounds like Mandark on the Cartoon Network show Dexter’s Laboratory. Holy crap…..it is the voice of Mandark.

Back at a gas station, Football cop and his partner are killed by the monster version of Billy. After that interesting scene, we go back to the day time where Billy and Kathy have sex in an extremely boring scene with really bad music. After having sex, Kathy finds the necklace and awakens the monster version of Billy.

Scared for her life, she runs off screaming. Billy then starts shooting anything in site like a crazed animal with a gun. Billy gets attacked by cops in an old dust cropper, proving these cops have nothing better to do. Billy then meets his rivals, the jock and geek who have a new car, and blows this to smithereens just because he can. In this scene I just realized the nerd sounds like Mandark on the Cartoon Network show Dexter’s Laboratory. Holy crap…..it is the voice of Mandark

Ha Ha Ha....Ha Ha Ha....Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Meanwhile, Kathy tells Mr. Craig what happened. Meanwhile, the aliens are on earth with their trusty metal detector with them. Billy, while walking, meets a guy who gives him a ride. The guy is a nice redneck. Obviously there are a lot of rednecks in this movie. However, Billy decides to thank the nice redneck by killing him with his laser gun. In the final scene, Mr. Craig and Kathy try to talk Billy from causing more damage. Billy doesn’t listen, but before he is able to kill them, the aliens swoop in and kill Billy. The movie ends with the girlfriend mourning Billy’s death.

Despite the fact that this movie is crappy, it didn’t receive all negative feedback. Leonard Maltin gave this movie 2 and a half stars. Sometimes, even critics are complete idiots.