Monday, September 28, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

Monster Crap Inductee: Shark Attack 3 Megalodon
Megalo-Who? Megalo-Crap

It shocks me how much, as I said above, this movie was requested. However, I was unable to for a long time be able to gain access to it. A long time ago, I saw this movie for the first time and only watched 1/8 of it before I decided to change the channel. Yes, I only had to see the beginning to know that this movie was bad. I had never seen that movie again and had never seen all of it. While I said this movie was bad enough to make me stop 1/8 of the way through, I would have never thought the other 7/8 of the film would be even worse.

After finally seeing the movie the whole way through, I have to say that I was completely wrong. Oh boy was this movie bad. After the end of this movie, I could not believe what I had just watched. Now I sit with this movie ready for induction wondering if I had the enough comedy and description to do this film justice. I am not sure, but I will try my best.

But before I begin this induction, there must be some history on the Megalodon. Megalodon was considered the largest predatory fish to have ever lived. It is also considered the prehistoric ancestor of the great white shark. Many consider this animal dead, but few, like me, still believe this fish could still be alive. I think the shark may still be alive because of all of the fish that have been found that were reportedly extinct. However, no book was able to do a great job at exploiting this beast’s potential to be alive until a good friend of mine, Steve Alten wrote a book called Meg: A Novel In Deep Terror. This book became a New York Times Best Seller and Steve Alten became a very well respected American Science Fiction author. Since then, two movies not based on the book were made and they both sucked. But this movie has in some people’s opinion, reached the peak of really bad movies. So without further ado, its time we induct this piece of crap.

We begin this movie with the opening credits which is from the shark’s point of view. We then go to a scene where scuba divers going off the S.S. Bountress, which is located in the Challenger Deep Trench in the Pacific Ocean. Inside the ship, we see people watching the divers from cameras. The scuba divers connect part of the wire. Soon, radars pick up a huge object and they try to warn the scuba divers about the large object. Unfortunately, bad reception has the scuba divers unable to get the warning. When they finally do, it is too late and the Megalodon attacks them. The shark kind of looked like an average Great White, but I cant really tell at this moment.

Six months later, in Colima, Mexico, we go to a hotel with good looking women and nice scenery. It of course has mariachi music played to it. At the bar, a barmaid gives two coffees to Ben Carpenter and gives him a flirty look as he leaves. Ben Carpenter is of course played by Jason Barrowman, who I can best describe as Zach Braf, except that he can’t act and isn’t even funny. He goes over to a friend Ramirez, who is having sexual relations with another girl….with whom I can best describe as a person with the face of……

A Horse

Ben then goes to a helicopter pilot and gives him one of the cups of coffee while trying to make a joke. The pilot gives him a look that would tell you that it isn’t funny. He of course meets another friend of his, Chuck Rapaport, before he leaves.

Ben goes over to his partner Esai Sy, as he is a member of the ocean patrol, who is sleeping and throws his bag at him to wake him up. Esai jokes about that if Ben hadn’t been looking at all the ladies that he would be on time. Immediately, Ben decides to get into trouble by going off his route and into an area not allowed for some lobster hunting. After convincing Esai to do this, we get this beautiful piece of dialogue

Esai'Sy': Why do I let you convince me to do these things?
Ben Carpenter: Cause you're my bitch.

We move onto a guy who is fishing and has caught a marlin, but even in the Marlin scenes, you can so tell this is bad footage.

Meanwhile, while this guy is fishing, a guy and a girl are making out nearby. Dear God, how can this guy concentrate with those two making out nearby is anyone’s guest. We then see the shark again and this time, you can tell it is a Great White and not a Megalodon. Of course, the megalodon snacks on the marlin while caught on the line. The old man thinks he has the fish and decides to real him in. However, he only gets a marlin head that has been bitten off.

Back at the scene with Ben and Esai, they have scuba gear on and go into the water. They are of course caught by some of security and they are told that they are on private property. Ben of course finds a shark tooth on the wire and tells then about it. Ben tries to calm Esai down by saying that their boss, Ruiz will never find out about this incident. In his room, Ben takes a picture of the tooth and puts it online to see what kind of shark it is.

His photo is picked up by not an aquarium that he is looking for, but by a museum in San Diego. Cataline Stone is the one who picks up the message and sees the tooth. Cataline Stone is played by Jenny McShane, who was in the first Shark Attack movie. Problem is that she played Corinne Desantis, and now she plays someone else. In most movies, you don’t play two different characters while looking completely the same.

Of course, Ruiz does find out and has him meet the boss of Apex Communications, a corporation whose security caught Ben and Esai at the spot. His name is Mr. Tolley and he seemed very interested at the shark tooth. As Ruiz walks Ben out, he scolds him for going into private property.

We move to the beach somewhere as Ramirez and Ms. Horseface are making out. Afterwards, they decide to go skinny dipping and nearly get attacked by the Megalodon. However, another shark (a Sand Tiger Shark) is in the area and the Megalodon goes after the Sand Tiger Shark instead. The authorities, lead by Ben and Esai, make light of the situation, not knowing that another shark was in the area.

Cataline arrives in Mexico and looks for Ben Carpenter. She finds him and introduces herself as a marine biologist from the San Diego Aquarium. She of course lies to him by saying that the shark is a subspecies of the Mako Shark, which is not very dangerous. Esai busts on him about flirting with her. They part, but at a bar nearby, Cataline calls someone saying that she has found the tooth and that it is genuine.

Its night now and two drunken punk kids decide to make out and go to the water slide, which is closed. They go down the waterslide and as soon as they are done with the slide, they are killed by the megalodon. At the Apex building around 5 am, two computer geeks are typing information when they hear an alarm go off. A line has shorted out and now they get a phone call from Mr. Tolley, who proceeds to yell at them. He calls them code monkeys while deciding to send Chuck after them.

At the day, Ben meets with Chuck about what is going on. Ben is told about the situation and Ben wishes Chuck the best of luck. Cataline arrives once again with a camera crew and have a boat prepared for their voyage. The camera crew is too busy checking out her ass meanwhile. On the boat, one of the boys is trying to hit on her, but unfortunately, she comes back with jokes on sizes. It turns out to be their lucky day as they are able to get the shark on film and stick him with a camera. They are spotted by Ben and Esai and he is curious about what is going on. Of course, during this scene, you can see that the shark fin and the shark do not match as you can see.

Somewhere else on the beach, a guy is playing Frisbee with his dog. You might know that this is being played almost the same way as the Frisbee dog scene in Jaws. However, the dog could tell where this was going so as soon as the guy throws the Frisbee into the water, the dog does not go into the water. The guy decides to go get it instead and the dog starts barking. Unfortunately, the guy doesn’t listen and gets killed by the shark.

In the hotel, Ben enters Cataline’s room and tells her about the shark attack. Meanwhile, in the room, he finds out that she is a paleontologist for the San Diego Natural History Museum. He is not happy about the deception and also finds out that the shark is a Megalodon and not a subspecies of the Mako Shark. Ben decides to kill the shark. Cataline tries to reason with him, but Ben will have none of that.

Cataline is finally able to force Ben into an agreement with the addition that if things go wrong, he is killing it. On the boat, Ben starts to wonder how they survived for so long. Cataline responds by saying they lived in deep trenches. Ben then asks about how no one saw them. I actually asked Steve Alten the same question very recently. And he talked about the fact that in reality, we have only looked at very small portions of the ocean and until we are able to look a large portion of the ocean, we will never truly know everything that is out there. They find the shark and luckily, they are able to get the shark away from going to attack many people at the beach. However, the shark attacks a boat with a parasailor flying. The shark dispatches the two boat drivers quickly. The shark cuts the rope and drags the parasailor into the water. Ben, Cataline, and others try to save the parasailor, but the shark gets her and we see a sad moment.

Back at work, Ben tries to get the beaches closed, but Ruiz will have none of it. After a small argument, Ruiz agrees to handle the beaches as long as Ben kills the shark quickly and quietly. In Ben’s room, Ben consoles Cataline over the dead parasailor as Cataline blames herself for all of the deaths. They piece together that Apex’s cable is causing the sharks to attack. Ben is able to convince his good friend Chuck to find out more information on the company by hacking into the info. Ben, Cataline, and others decide to go kill the shark. Chuck finds out through hacking about the company knowing about the shark attacks and covering them up.

At Apex Communications, Chuck confronts Tolley about the confidential info and one of the information mentions that the original victim of this movie was his friend, Phillip. He threatens to go public with this info, but Tolley stops him by saying. Back in the water, Ben, Cataline, and the camera crew find the shark. The shark seems to know about their intentions as he rams the boat, causing leaks. He stabs the shark with the poison and the job seems done, right?

Wrong. The shark is still alive and it busts through the boat, trying to attack the girl. However, if you look at the scene above, even Steven Spielberg would laugh and say that shark is fake. Ben sees this all and immediately attacks the shark with a baseball bat.

This swinging of the bat at the shark allows Cataline to grab her shotgun, put it into the shark’s mouth and BOOM….the shark is dead. At this point, you must be thinking that this movie is painfully over as Esai is riding to the rescue.

The dead shark was only a baby and now that the baby is dead, you know that momma is out for revenge. Now what ever happened to daddy having revenge? It is always the mother who has revenge, never daddy. Oh, add to the fact that we never know it’s a mother (they just say it’s the mom) and I have a severe problem here. So now we have a new shark attacking and this movie gets much worse. The camera crew is also eaten as you can see in the picture below.

It seems that our heroes are doomed, but they are lucky to be saved by a nearby helicopter. Back at Ruiz’s office, Ben uses a giant shark tooth that he somehow got to stab his desk. Ruiz is not happy about hearing that another megalodon has shown up. Even with this information, Ruiz refuses to do anything. In the lobby, Ben is met by Cataline and Chuck. Chuck tells Ben that Apex is behind it all. Unfortunately, the police don’t have the boats or manpower to stop it. Navy won’t violate international waters and the Coast Guard will only come a week later. Ben decides that he, Cataline, and Chuck will handle this business themselves.
In another room, the plan is to blow the cable so no more megalodons come and kill the current megalodon. When asked about how the megalodon will be killed, Chuck reveals that he has a hidden Mark 44 Missile. They set their motion to plan and after everything is set up, they decide to take out the shark in the mourning. They take a break and Ben decides to deliver one of the worst pickup lines of all time

Not only does he not get his ass kicked after this line, but she actually has sex with him. Folks, I just want to say…..don’t ever try that line on your girlfriend. The next mourning, Ben and Chuck are in the tiny sub while Cataline is in a helicopter. While they are looking for the shark, we find out how much of a lackey Ruiz is. He has allowed a cruise ship built for Apex (even after knowing a shark is out there). He is also a personal guest of Mr. Tolley. When asked about the shark, Ruiz reveals that he has plenty of grenades in case the shark shows up.

At a point, Ben and Chuck set up dynamite for the wire. They blow up the wire and at the office with the two “code monkeys”, they are smoking weed and when the alarm goes off, they don’t care. They see the cruise ship and are not happy with the disregard for safety. In the ship, Mr. Tolley reveals plan for the wires. The bad news for all of them is the shark is going to attack that boat. This attack infuriates Mr. Tolley, who after pie facing Ruiz’s wife, yells at Ruiz for the grenades. The other guests decide to abandon ship.

Cataline is told to drop the box to distract the shark. She does and tries to hit the shark with a noise beacon, but misses. Good news is Chuck reveals he has a backup beacon. But Ruiz and Tolley are determined to kill it. They throw grenades which miss the shark, but the preassure causes the tiny sub to have problems. After two grenades, Tolley has no patience and throws the whole bag in, which detonated. Once again, they miss and the grenades impact causes the sub to malfunction. Ben is able to maneuver the ship, while sounding like he is getting a blowjob. The shark hits the ship again and the water kills maintenance man, who is near some electric wires. People have decided to abandon ship and some people even decide to do flips as ways to enter the water. Tolley finds the Jet Ski and tries to escape. Three people reach a lifeboat and hope to go they are safe. Everyone thinks the shark is gone, but they are wrong.

Ruiz’s wife tries to get a life jacket on, but Ruiz steals it and jumps in. Unfortunately, the megalodon shows up and eats him just as he is landing into the waterAfter that, a raft carrying 5 people is eaten in this scene.

At the helicopter, Cataline is still trying to contact the tiny submarine. Oh yeah, I forgot…..the sub is yellow.

Tolley leaves the boat thinking he got away.

He was so wrong.

And paid the price.

Chuck is outside the sub trying to get towards the shark. Chuck is able to stick the megalodon with the beeper, but the shark attacks and nearly kills Chuck. However, the sub bumps into the shark. At this point Chuck surfaces and gets on the life raft carrying three people. Ben then allows the shark to bite the boat. Ben escapes and has the missile fire at the sub. The missile hits and the shark is supposedly dead.

Unfortunately, the megalodon is still alive and we end our movie with that.

I don’t know what to say except that this movie is truly horrific and deserving of the induction. The acting is horrible and I must say, I hope I never see Jason Barrowman’s ass starring in a movie again. The special effects were bad even in the 1970s and let’s not forget that this movie was made in 2002. Yes, bad 70s effects in a 2002 movie. I know it’s hard to believe me that the movie was this bad. I wouldn’t have believed it myself. But when I saw this movie, I knew this was at the peak of crap.

This movie may be so bad it is enjoyable, but if you are that desperate for enjoyment. Get one of those stupid squirrel repellers for your bird feeders and watch the squirrels fly.


  1. First off I would like to say great blog! I had a quick question that I'd like to ask if you do not mind. I was interested to find out how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing. I've had a difficult time clearing my mind in getting my ideas out there. I truly do take pleasure in writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are wasted just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or hints? Cheers!
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    1. Honestly, for me............being able to clear my mind to be able to these blogs is pretty easy since I have so much love for movies involving what I call monsters. It also helps me that right now, that I dont have a paying job to think about.

      Also helps that what I watch these movies before even starting to type and then watch it a second time while doing the induction. I say don't worry to much about the 10-15 minutes thinking about it because once it comes, it tends for me to flow.