Saturday, January 28, 2012

Monster Crap Inductee: Chupacabra Terror (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Chupacabra Terror
The Legend May Be Real, But This Film Sure Isn’t


Yes, I know you were expecting me to start off the New Year (which may be the last year according to some people) with the 2011 GINO Award winner and normally, you would be correct. However, the film that got the most votes has yet to come out on DVD until January 31 and I refuse to own that film (personal reasons you will find out when I induct it) so I have to wait 30 more days until I can get it on Netflix so it will be inducted in March. And that would leave me in a bind if not for what happened with the Randomizer in November where it coughed out two moves and then I had to use the Randometer to pick The Fog remake. So let’s induct the other piece of crap that was spit out……….this is Chupacabra Terror.

Now if you are looking for much history behind this film, I am sad to say you will not be getting much because like many SyFy Original Films, there isn’t much history to it. It was originally called Chupacabra: Dark Seas and is directed by John Shephird, who directed a very bad Corey Haim film with Jim Varney and Bridgette Nielson called Snowboard Academy.

One of the actresses in this film is Paula Shaw (who plays rich widow Mrs. Hartman) and she had a brief appearance in Freddy vs. Jason…

As Mrs. Voorhees

But the main star of this film is John Rhys Davies, who you may know as Gimli from Lord of the Rings.

Now you may be wondering how this film got a guy who had been in a James Bond film, an Indiana Jones movie, and the Lord of the Rings series……..well, the answer is John Rhys Davies is not very choosy about what films he does. For every great film he has been in, he has been in many more low-budget, bottom of the barrel films. Don’t ask me why he does them, but he does.

The rest of the cast………….hasn’t done much so I guess we should get to this film immediately.

We start this movie with….

Well Damn…………Opening Credits To Begin With.

Actually, I should really thank the film for that because I always do complain about many of these films waiting for whatever reason to give us the opening title and credits. It really is a pet peeve of mine when they don’t get that over with immediately.

Anyway….we are in the jungles of Central America where a group of hunters led by crytozoologist Dr. Pena.

They are hunting for of course……….the Chupacabra. Of course as bait, they have a live goat……since Chupacabra does mean “Goat Sucker”. Of course………..we know this is the jungle because we see live animals from the jungles of Central America.

Of course there is just one animal in this jungle that shouldn’t be there.

That is a meerkat and they are in deserts of AFRICA!!! You really have to try to screw something like that up.

Especially Since Meerkat Manor Was Going To Debut Within A Few Months

I’m Sure Even The Meerkat Is Like “What The Hell Am I Doing Here?”

They then pass by the skeleton of what I assume to be a man…….

Doesn’t Help That It Looks Fake As Hell

Some guy breaks his leg and because Dr. Pena thinks this guy will slow him down, he tells the group to just leave him there.

It is nightfall now….

And More Creatures To Say We Are In The Jungle.

Look crew, you are ready screwed up with that meerkat to tells us you are really in the jungle. Yes, I know you filmed this at the Turks and Caicos Islands, which are in Central America (which can be deemed as close), but you may as well have filmed this at a backlot with that mistake.

The group sets up their trap which involves the goat and a giant net. They hear some strange noise and they get ready. Of course instead of the goat, the Chupacabra decides to stealthily attack the hunters one by one.

Well, I Can’t Exactly Blame The Creature……….More Meat In Those Humans Than The Damn Goat.
The hunters start firing with their guns and that ticks off Dr. Pena, who wants this creature alive. The hunters say to hell with that and continue firing, however the leader of the hunters is attacked by the Chupacabra and they happen to be right under the net so Pena drops the net to capture the creature.

Pena has a perfect opportunity to tranquilize the creature and save the leader, but he lets the creature kill him before tranquilizing it. The creature goes down and Dr. Pena has an insane look on his face.

I Don’t Know If He Is So Happy To Catch The Creature Or If He Is Planning On Raping It Later.

Alright, I guess I have to say something about the leader of the hunters.

Why do I have to say something? That’s because that is being played by Nils Allen Stewart. He also played another character in a movie I inducted in the past.

Yep, It’s The Human Form Of Bo Abobo From The Horrible Double Dragon Movie

Also his son is Booboo Stewart from those Twilight movies. Moving on……..

We transition from the rape eyes of Dr. Pena to someone slicing cantaloupe with a machete.

And We Get Flamingoes.

A Federal Marshall named Lance Thompson passes through a gate and meets with captain of the cruise ship called the Regent Queen, Captain Randolph.

Lance is at this cruise ship to investigate a series of robberies that have been happening at the Regent Queen. Apparently this person knew what they were doing because they managed to sabotage the entire video recording system. You know, if you’re this good of a thief………I’m sure you would know that being at the same place multiple times is not the best idea. But knowing this film, the thief will probably come back on the ship, just to get caught. Yeah, I’ve seen enough of these movies to know what will happen.

Anyway, Lance asks to look at the vault so he can know what he is up against and Randolph sends his fellow officer Hamilton to show him to the vault.

But before they leave, Lance asks Randolph if he is the same guy who commanded the HMS Sheppard in the Gulf War, to which Randolph confirms. Lance then says that he was a US Marine during Operation Desert Heat, to which Randolph remembers well, and the two shake hands. Apparently, Randolph risked his ship to save those Marines and Randolph says the admiral didn’t appreciate his decision so he was relieved. Lance says he heard about that and just mentions that Randolph is a hero to him and the men he served with. He also made himself a promise that if he ever met Randolph, he would buy him a drink to show his gratitude. Randolph says to just catch the thief and he will call it even.

When Hamilton and Lance leave, Randolph is met by his daughter, Jenny.

She asks who that was and Randolph says it is an old naval acquaintance. Afterwards, Jenny shows her dad that she got a small figurine of a Chupacabra.

How Ironic!!!!!!

Of course, Jenny is the fitness trainer and this is basically a summer job for her as well as a vacation. Randolph says that Jenny should get ready for her next class, but before she leaves……she needs to keep her distance from the kitchen staff.

Meanwhile Dr. Pena is boarding this ship as well and has the cargo which houses the Chupacabra, he tells one of the men running the cargo hold to store this somewhere deep and cool. Somewhere that is locked, but also somewhere where it can breathe. When the cargo men ask what is in there, he tells them to not ask or tell and that there is more money in it for them once they get to the States. Before setting sail, Randolph is told that everyone is on aboard plus one, which is Dr. Pena, to which Randolph says that it will be plus to since Lance will be joining them as well. Yep, that means the thief is still on board. We then see the crate holding the creature being put on board.

In his room, we see Dr. Pena put his tranquilizer gun in the room safe and laughs about who will be laughing now since he caught the beast.

The boat sets sell and we get a montage of several of the luxuries a cruise ship has, like games, a pool, places to relax, a casino, and a place to exercise. That night in the cargo hold, the crew finally decides to get the crate in the area specified by Dr. Pena. They wonder what Pena has in that crate and then decide that they should find out. And they get rewarded for breaking the rules, by getting killed.

We transition to the dining room of the ship with a fruit set up in the way to look like a monster.

Also we are introduced to other characters that will play a role in the film as they join Captain Randolph, Lance, & Jenny for dinner.

We Have Mrs. Hartman (With Her Dog Jeffrey) & Rick McGraw (Who Acts Like A Flamer)

Jenny wants to talk to Lance about his past and of course, we find out that she doesn’t sound British unlike her dad is because her mother grew up in the States. When she asks what he does now, he lies and says that he is an insurance salesman. Dr. Pena also shows up to greet the group and we see that Mrs. Hartman is very much a bitchy person.

Elsewhere, two members of the crew search the cargo hold to see if they were able to find the missing money that was stolen earlier. They split up and let’s just say it doesn’t end well for the gentlemen. He finds the Chupacabra eating on one of the remains, but is then caught and killed.

The screams are heard by the female crew member and she runs to help the guy. Unfortunately, she is too late and she also dies.

In the kitchen, we hear the waiter being demoted to scraping dishes and he is not happy by this new development. In the dining room, Captain Randolph asked away because there seems to be some issues going on. We then get some exposition about the history of the Chupacabra from Dr. Pena, who says that he is a cryptozoologist. We then see that Randolph was sent for because they found the bodies of the two crew members who were searching the cargo rooms, as well as the two idiots who we know opened the crate.

They mention that a wild animal must have killed these people and note the open crate which happened to be a cage of some sort. Randolph has the area sealed off and no one to know about this so a panic is not created. The crew arms themselves and this does not go unnoticed by Dr. Pena, who is curious as to what is going on. Randolph mentions that they are to be on the lookout for some kind of animal. Jenny and Dr. Pena come by and are immediately told to get back to their cabins. Randolph then tells Lance to send the two back to their cabins. Of course, Jenny now can suspect that Lance is not really an insurance salesman.

The crew starts searching the ship while Lance escorts the two back to their cabin. When asked what is going on, Lance says that he is not at liberty to say, which is okay with Dr. Pena as he decides to go back to his room as Lance leads Jenny to hers.

Or not, as he decides to wait for the other two to leave before going on his own to see what is going on. 

The search continues (complete with fake scares like laundry coming down the laundry chute) until two people in the laundry room get killed by the Chupacabra.

Lights Or Darks????

I’ll Take Those Screams As Meaning Darks

The captain & the rest of the crew are alerted by the attacks in the laundry room as they come down to help out, while Dr. Pena follows. One of the men in the laundry room comes out with his throat slashed and falls over dead.

The Chupacabra also comes out and is met by gunfire before the monster retreats. They think they have the doors closed before dumbass Dr. Pena makes sure one of the doors stays open.

One Of Our Many Villains In This Film.

When they see what is going on with the door, they wonder if the creature is still in there so they can still trap it. Lance shows blood and says that it is not likely. We then go to a stage show for some padding, but we also see the death of some drunk couple about to make out at the hands of our Chupacabra, who has no problem being a cock blocker.

Nobody Has Sex On My Vacation Cruise!!!!

The captain gets on the PA system and announces that it is with deep regret he ask all guests and non-essential crew members to stay in their cabins. Jenny comes to the captain and is wondering what is going on as she is tired of the same old crap of being kept in the dark. Randolph relents and admits that someone let a dangerous animal aboard the ship and it is now killing people. Dr. Pena wants to talk to the captain, but Randolph and Lance have already left and Jenny is all that is left. Jenny takes Pena to Randolph and Pena explains that it is the Chupacabra. We then see that Pena is a madman as despite all the deaths on board this ship, he wants the creature to stay alive.

Meanwhile, two members of the kitchen staff decide to break curfew and drink some alcohol in the now empty casino. The dumbasses hear some noise and decide to go check it out. I think you know what happens next.

They Die…..

However the last guy pulled the fire alarm before dying while Captain Randolph notifies the Navy that they have a potential terrorist on board the ship (yeah, he was smart not to say what was really going on as no one would have believed him). The fire alarm does help alert the crew as to where the creature is now.

They head to the casino and hear noises near the register. Of course, it could be the thief and not the monster, but hey……….why would the thief steal at a time like th….

Well What Do You Know??? It’s The Damn Thief Who Just So Happens To Be Rick.

What A Twist!

Despite being caught red handed, Rick tries to proclaim his innocence……and nobody buys it. Randolph has Rick locked in his cabin. Navy SEALs show up wondering where the terrorist is…..and Randolph explains to them the real reason they were called as he shows them video footage of the Chupacabra. They immediately prepare to fight this monstrosity.

Meanwhile Dr. Pena has his trap set up for the creature. Pena talks about how they need something to lure the creature in and it needs to have warm blood, then he gets an idea and leaves. He then talks to Captain Randolph and wants the Navy SEALs out of here because he believes they will kill the creature. Mrs. Hartman shows up, upset that she has to stay in her cabin since she believes Jeffrey needs his nightly walk. The two leave Mrs. Hartman in her room, but of course…..the old bat decides to ignore orders and goes out to give Jeffrey his walk.

Pena tries to continue to persuade the Seals to lure the creature into the kitchen, but they won’t listen and one of them gets picked off by the creature.

After a scare with the one SEAL shooting while he is dying, the rest go after the creature. They corner it into the garbage room and start firing when they think they see movement. However, they seem to forget the obviously placed garbage chute that this creature can climb up.

We go to a hallway where Mrs. Hartman is with Jeffrey, wondering what all the noise is. Jeffrey runs off and she chases after him. Of course she passes by Rick’s room and ignores Rick’s calls for help as he wants to get out of that room, probably so he can steal some more. However, Rick sees an air duct that gives air conditioning to the rooms and escapes using that.

Jeffrey enters the casino room, but the Chupacabra is also in the room and it eats Jeffrey.


There are many times where I am sad when an animal gets killed in films, this isn’t one of those times. Mrs. Hartman then enters the casino and after seeing the Chupacabra eat Jeffrey, she screams and dies.

You Know With A Face Like That, The Chupacabra Might Think You Are Howard The Duck


And The End Result

Meanwhile the leader of the SEALs is telling Randolph that he is assuming command of the situation and he is ordering a complete evacuation of all guests. Jenny does not want to leave as she wants to help, but her dad gives her the job of making sure everyone gets on the lifeboat safely. He even has Lance escort her to the boat. Randolph makes the same announcement on the PA system to abandon ship. We then see a montage of people abandoning the ship.

Such A Shot Tells You They Really Are Not On A Ship. This Is Shark Attack 3 Level Of Bad CGI.

As Lance escorts Jenny to the lifeboat, he is attacked by Dr. Pena using a defibrillator and Jenny is immediately taken captive.

Rick goes through a bag and finds some jewelry, which he steals. He finds a conveniently wig and dress, which he decides to use as a disguise so he can get away.

Meanwhile Captain Randolph is told that his daughter is not on her lifeboat so he decides to find out what is going on. They also find out that Rick escaped. Randolph then goes down the hall and finds Lance coming to. Lance tells him that Pena attacked them and has kidnapped Jenny.

We then go to the kitchen where Pena has tied Jenny up and intends to use her as bait for his trap.

All Pena Needs Is A Top Hat, A Cape, & A Handlebar Mustache….And He Could Be A New Version Of Snidely Whiplash

Jenny struggles to escape her binds as Pena goes to hide. When it looks like the Chupacabra is about to eat Jenny, Randolph & Lance come in to save the day by shooting at it. Pena is now mad that they have foiled his trap and has the net dropped on Kenny just for shits and giggles, as he runs away. However he doesn’t get far as the Chupacabra decides he is tired of Pena setting up traps for him.

Damn………This Film Seems To Love Splattering Blood On Something When Someone Dies

The SEALs chase off the Chupacabra as they follow.

Lance tries to get some information from a dying Pena on how to stop the creature, but Pena gives them nothing before he dies. More SEALs are killed as well.

Captain Randolph, Jenny, & Lance decide to go to Pena’s room to see if he has any notes on how to stop it. Rick in drag almost gets killed by the Chupacabra, but SEALs save him, who don’t even notice the man in drag. Rick tries to escape with the bag of money that he had hid all this time, but is caught immediately by our three protagonists.

Despite the smoking gun in his hand and the fact that he is in drag, Rick still………….STILL proclaims his innocence. The navy tells its SEALs to pull out and wait for further orders from command. Of course because this has become personal, the SEAL leader fakes having communication issues.

In Pena’s room, they find notes that the doctor has tranquilizers in his safe that can immobilize the creature. Of course since the safe is locked, they need a safe cracker and since Rick is a thief, he is the one for that job. However, Rick will only agree to this if he is let go. They reluctantly agree and Rick opens the safe before leaving. The group decides they need to give this to the SEALs, but apparently their radio is gone.

The SEALs run into McGraw who goes back for his money. He lies and says everyone else is dead. The SEALs escort him away but he forgot his bag. He lies once again by saying that he needs his bag as it has his medications. He is grabbed by the creature and is killed.

Should Have Learned When To Quit While He Was Ahead

Our protagonists find Rick dead and can’t believe that the idiot still went after the money. The three remaining SEALs see green blood and they know that they can wound the creature.

One SEAL Gets Taken Out In The Dark Corridors Of The Engine Room

The creature tends to his wounds as the SEAL looks at his entrails splattered all over the place.

The crew finds the second Navy SEAL dying as well and he tells them to get away before he dies. They are cornered by the beast, but the final one, who just so happens to be the leader, saves them by throwing a grenade at the creature to scare it off. He throws a second one and the engine room starts to react badly. A battle ensues in the engine room that is catching on fire and the SEAL catches on fire. He dies from the burns.

He Forgot To Stop, Drop, & Roll

We then have a battle between Jenny and the Chupacabra where Jenny uses her Tae Bo moves (it was mentioned but not really talked much about), to fight the creature. Captain Randolph blasts the beast with some steam which really hurts it. While attacking Lance, the Federal Marshall finally shoots the dart into the creature’s neck………which kills it.

Wait no, it is still moving. Lance then decides to grab a electrical wire that has been cut from the grenades, and electrocutes it till it dies.

Wait…..that only stuns it. The group runs out of the engine room, but the creature grabs Captain Randolph. Jenny combats it with a fire extinguisher to knock the creature off her dad. They lock the door and the engine room explodes, killing the creature.

I Guess I Should Mention That The Boat At Night Looks Faker Than The CGI Explosion As The Boat At Night Was Also CGI.

The three jump out of the ship and are saved by a nearby rescue boat who happened to see them jumping off the thing. They can only watch as The Regent Queen sinks.

No………….I Refuse To Play “My Heart Will Go On” By Celine Dion While This Happens.

Jenny apologizes for the ship going down and asks her dad if he thinks they will give him another one. Captain Randolph doesn’t think he will get another ship and thinks it is time for him to retire, write his memoirs, and spend time with the family. What……is everyone these days writing memoirs? Maybe, I should write my own memoirs. Yeah, I can see it now. A Memoir by Seth Drakin and I shall title it “It Isn’t Going To Freaking Happen!!!” It might be a bestseller.

They all decide to have a drink when they get back on shore and thus, this movie ends.

So before we get to my opinion, let’s look at the aftermaths from this film. John Rhys Davies is still doing these types of films so nothing new. Dylan Neal (who played Lance) is doing TV series now. John Shepphird (the director) is doing Jersey Shore Shark Attack, which is coming out this year and will probably be in my 2012 GINO nominees. But probably the biggest aftermath is Chelan Simmons (who played Jenny). She has been in several films these days and just 2 years ago was one of the teenagers in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, what I consider one of the best films of 2011.

So now my opinion of the film and……….oh this film is bad. It has rather crappy effects which make The Asylum look like Universal Studios. The effects are Shark Attack 3 level of bad. The script is also terrible with the thief proclaiming innocence no matter how red-handed he has been caught. However, the acting is actually pretty decent and is strongly helped by a strong performance in John Rhys Davies, who gives a very believable performance as an understandable, yet stern captain of a cruise ship. It really is a garbage film that is made less bad by its acting. So while this film does deserve to be inducted, it will be because of every other factor other than the actors because the actors at least tried.

Now it is time for me to go to the Randomizer for the next film to induct.

*Two films pop out of the Randomizer again*

Well, it seems that the Randomizer has popped out two films again. Should be popping out one movie so I am wondering if the machine is almost broken……oh well. I guess it is time for me to use the Randometer to find out which film is next.

Well, I At Least Have An Interesting Story For This One