Sunday, April 26, 2015

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for April 25th, 2015

Well, this episode was another double header show as we missed last week and like last time we did this, one show was good.........and the other one was terrible. And the sad thing is it was in the same order as last time with the first show being the good one and the second being the bad one. But the even more crazy thing about this show........was many people actually liking the second show. Look, I understand giving TNA a low standard, but then there is stuff where if you watch and take notes on the show, it is completely bad and even worse with the low standards that EVEN I give TNA.

Another thing that did happen, but was obviously edited out was a few minutes into the show, my mic went out. And I'll tell you when it happened, it was during when we talked about Destination America's apparent bullshit going on with TNA.

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Watch on YouTube.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: Batman & Robin (1997)

Monster Crap Inductee: Batman & Robin
The Worst Batman Movie…EVER


Well, I should have known this was going to happen immediately after I inducted Batman Forever that the month after the obligatory Leprechaun film that I was going to have to induct this film. I mean, it is honestly admitted by almost everyone to be the bottom of the barrel as it goes with Batman. So how did it come to this for Batman? How did it come to the point where even the character of Batman would become a box office flop?

Well, let’s get into what happened after the last film. Despite people really not liking the film, the advertising and the previous two films were able to get Batman Forever to make a killing at the box office, gaining it the highest opening weekend up to that point. Basically it made more money than Batman Returns and was only beat out that year for being highest grossing by Toy Story. So of course with all of that, the studios and of course Joel Schumacher thought that there ideas of a brighter and more advertising friendly Batman were better than the darker version that Tim Burton gave us and more to the comics version of Batman that the fans wanted. Hell, they were already planning a Batman four as well after this film called Batman: Triumphant. So they had an ego.

Immediately, they went to work and got both Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsmith to return for the sequel. They then fast tracked the film for a 1997 release which meant while they could get the actors that played Commissioner Gordon, Alfred Pennyworth, and Robin back, they couldn’t get Val Kilmer back because he had already scheduled acting for the film The Saint and couldn’t work this film into the schedule (which was honestly for the best in my opinion). Well, that’s according to Val Kilmer although Joel Schumacher said he had difficulty working with Kilmer in Batman Forever, saying he sort of quit and they sort of fired him.

So who to replace as Batman? Well, Joel Schumacher originally wanted Adam Baldwin for the role, but the studio and he ultimately agreed on George Clooney (who at the time was a really big star on the hit NBC drama E.R.). In fact, Schumacher and the studio thought that Clooney was perfect for making a lighter interpretation of Batman than even Val Kilmer. So yeah, even after succeeding with Batman Forever in the box office with a lighter interpretation than Batman, that wasn’t enough for them.

Now let’s get to the new actors with new characters. Originally, they wanted Patrick Stewart for Mr. Freeze and maybe that would have been a better choice than who they ultimately chose, but Joel Schumacher decided that Mr. Freeze must be big and strong like he was chiseled out of a glacier and so they chose Arnold Schwarzenegger and rewrote the damn script for Arnold. Arnold was also paid $25 million for the role and also his troubles of having to be prosthetic makeup and wardrobe put on him, which took 6 hours every time they did so. Academy Award nominated actress Uma Thurman in the late 90s was on a kick of being a femme fatale so when the role was offered to her, she took it without a second thought. She would also be in that crappy Avengers movie as well (based on the British TV series, not based on the comic book superhero team). And since Alicia Silverstone was still living off the hype from her great role in Clueless so she was the ONLY choice to play Batgirl, despite the fact that Batgirl was a redhead and Silverstone was going to be damned if she was going to make her hair red.

So with all that crap, let’s just get on with this film that is considered by many the worst superhero movie ever and be done with it.

We start this movie with…

Holy crap….Maybe I Lucked Out And Got The Animated Film Batman: Sub-Zero By Mistake.

While that may not be as good as Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, it is surely to be better than Batman & Robin. So long suckers…I won’t be reviewing Batman & Robin after all as I’ll be sitting back and enjoying something better.

Dammit!!!! It Is Still Batman & Robin. Well, Guess I Have To Continue This Induction Then.

We start this induction actually off with Batman & Robin getting suited up.

Complete With Bat Nipples & Bat Ass

Along With Robin Nipples & Robin Ass…..Joel Schumacher, Do You Know No Shame??

The two meet where the Batmobile is.

And It Looks Like It Is Record Time For An Actor To Realize He Is In A Crappy Movie And Can’t Back Out Now

Oh Chris, You Still Believe You At This Point Are In For A Good Film Here.

Robin wants a car since chicks dig the car, which Batman has this line.

Batman: This Is Why Superman Works Alone.

Actually, Superman works alone because there is no one like him, unless you count Supergirl, in which case….he knows Batman & Robin already get teased for being “more than partners” and Superman doesn’t wish to get that situation with Supergirl since he is kind of married to Lois Lane.

So Batman gets in the Batmobile and rides out. And Alfred comes in asking Batman to bring this one back in one piece. Well, if I remember last time, the Batmobile got destroyed last time because Riddler broke into the damn house and blew it up along with most of the Batcave so….not Batman’s fault that time. Also….if I remember, you let him in Alfred so…

Shut Up, Alfred.

Batman says hi before leaving and Robin waits to get his bike for this operation. Robin gets on the Redbird Cycle and tells Alfred to not wait up, which Alfred responds that he’ll cancel the pizzas. As Robin leaves, we see something is not right with Alfred, which we’ll find out later.

Commissioner Gordon comes on the Batmobile screen to tell Batman that a new criminal named Mr. Freeze has attacked the Gotham Museum. He has taken the antiquities wing and has frozen the security guards.

Well Obviously Gordon Is Wrong As Not All The Security Guards Have Been Frozen Yet. Here They Are Trying To Fire At Mr. Freeze.

Well There Goes Those Security Guards

And Mr. Freeze says that “The Iceman Cometh”. So here is what I am going to do, I am going to put a quarter in the jar every time Mr. Freeze has some stupid freezing pun. Trust me, we might get to 10 dollars by the time this film is done so

[1 quarter in the jar].

Another guard gets captured and pleads to not be frozen and Mr. Freeze says that his conditioner has left him cold to his pleas of mercy.

[2 quarters in the jar]

And he freezes the guard. Mr. Freeze notices a diamond in glass so he freezes the display. It breaks and he gets the diamond. He says that in this universe, there is one absolute and that is everything freezes.

[3 quarters in the jar]

Batman breaks through the ceiling glass.

Batman Would Pay For The Broken Glass, But He’s Batman So The Museum Is Shit Out Of Luck.

Batman introduces himself and….

And Goes Dino-Surfing Like Fred Flintstone.

Fred Is Not Amused

Batman jumps up and hits Mr. Freeze, knocking the diamond out of his hand. Mr. Freeze tells Batman that he is not sending him to the cooler.

[4 quarters in the jar]

Robin breaks through the door (something Robin is also not paying for). Robin nearly broke a jar by kicking it in the air, but Batman catches it while telling Robin that if he breaks it, he buys it. Robin also kicked Mr. Freeze’s gun into a higher place so Mr. Freeze has his hockey minions (three of whom worked for Harvey Dent in Batman Forever, another being the guy on stilts who got killed in Uncle Sam, and a third being Baraka from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) go after them to get the diamond back.

Of Course Mr. Freeze Has Hockey Minions. What Other Minions Would Mr. Freeze Have?? And No, That Doesn’t Count As A Penny In The Jar!

Batman & Robin activate their skates

Because Of Course Batman & Robin Have Those

They also steal two sticks and Batman tells Robin to get the diamond while he deals with Mr. Freeze or as Batman says “You get the ice while I get the iceman.” I know Mr. Freeze didn’t say it, but it still counts in this movie and of course since they did 2 of them.

[6 quarters in the jar].

So Robin Plays Hockey With The Thugs.

But before Batman can get to him, Mr. Freeze beats up some more security guards and launches one up in the air so he can knock his freeze gun back to him.


Robin tells Batman he has the diamond and then Mr. Freeze asks a question.

Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs?? The Ice Age!!!

[7 quarters in the jar]

With that Mr. Freeze freezes the dinosaur statue

Which Breaks (And Roars For Unknown Reasons)

In the chaos, Robin gets the diamond stolen from him by one of the goons, who passes it to Mr. Freeze.

Freeze turns his Freeze car (he has one) into a Freeze rocket and blasts off with Batman able to get in.

Freeze thanks Batman for getting in before knocking him below. Also good news for him later his Robin was able to hitch a ride on the outside of the rocket.

Mr. Freeze then sees Batman at the bottom of the rocket and freezes his arms to the wall.

Mr. Freeze then reveals his plan for this rocket to go to Outer Space, where Batman will freeze because of the cold air of space. He brings some puns like the “Ice Cold of Space” and “His Heart Will Freeze”.

[9 quarters in the jar]

Mr. Freeze then says that after he has “frozen”, the icy tomb will fall back onto Gotham. Two more ice related stuff for Mr. Freeze

[11 quarters in the jar]

Batman says that if this capsule falls onto Gotham, it will slaughter thousands. Mr. Freeze’s response is “Freeze Well”.

[12 quarters in the jar]

And Mr. Freeze ejects himself out of the rocket.

And Has Wings On His Suit To Boost. Man, Marvel’s Falcon Might Get Pissed At Him For Stealing Those.

Robin gets in through the whole Mr. Freeze left by ejecting and frees Batman (which Batman seems sort of ungrateful for since he wanted Robin to stay at the museum and round up some thugs). Robin basically calls Batman out on this and Batman doesn’t respond. Batman sets a bomb to blow up the rocket so it will never go back down and destroy Gotham. So how do Batman & Robin get out?

Yep….By Using Doors As Sky-Boards, Like Sonic The Hedgehog Did In Sonic Adventure 2.

Batman gets on Mr. Freeze and knocks the diamond away from him, which Robin grabs. Robin even screams “Cow-a-bung-a” on the way down.

Raphael Is Not Amused

Mr. Freeze falls into the furnace and freezes it so he can make a nice landing.

And Would Probably Break A Dozen Bones In His Body In Reality.

Mr. Freeze leaves through the door and Batman & Robin follow. They fight at a random place that has a liquid thawing area (for reasons we will see later). Robin tries to attack Mr. Freeze, but Freeze shoots him with the freeze gun.

Mr. Freeze takes the diamond from Robin’s frozen body (while telling him to “Stay Cool, Birdboy”)

[13 quarters in the jar]

He then tells Batman he has two choices: go after him and be cold…

[14 pennies in the jar]

Or he can thaw out Robin. Batman chooses to thaw out Robin. Mr. Freeze says Batman’s emotions make him weak and that’s why this day is his. He then says that he will kill Batman next time before leaving in the car that reappears. Batman thaws Robin in the liquid that I mentioned earlier. Robin then asks if they got him, which Batman gives him a look that says “No dumbass, your stupid, reckless ass let him get away because I had to save you”.

In a lab in South America,

Only Later Will We Learn This Is In South America So I Am Already Just Spoiling It As It Isn’t That Big A Deal In The Grand Scheme

Pamela Isley has just failed to combine the rattlesnake with the orchid once again.

But She Still Has High Hopes For The Animal/Plant Cross Breedings.

Pam says that if she can have enough venom, she can have these plants fight back like animals, which in her mind….gives flora a chance against the thoughtless ravages of man. We then hear a scream from behind the door and Pamela makes a personal note of her work proceeding faster if her boss Dr. Woodrue weren’t always whisking her venom samples away into his lab, which he won’t let her in.

Ah Yes, The DC Comic Villain Known As The Floronic Man.

Unfortunately, he never turns into the Floronic Man in this film and is just some random crazy scientist. So Pamela sneaks into his lab, where she sees Woodrue talking with evil dictators and trying to sell them on the Venom formula.

Hey, It’s John Glover.

Who is John Glover, you ask? Well, he is a very accomplished actor who has done a lot of work like be the Magnavolt Salesman in Robocop 2, be Daniel Clamp in Gremlins 2: The New Batch, be Brice Cummings in Scrooged, and of course, he was the voice of the Riddler in Batman: The Animated Series. Yes, this guy….was one of the best versions of the Riddler ever, Joel Schumacher could get this guy, and they chose Jim Carrey instead.

Look, I know he looks nothing like the Riddler right now. But get him a haircut, some dye, a shave, and some clothes and he could have pulled it off with his voice. Hell, he only did two movies in 1995 and neither one were theatrical films. But of course, we had to have a name actor in the role instead of an actual actor who can freaking pull the role off. So instead we have John Glover play the role of a character who in the comics becomes a real supervillain, but in this film…not so much.

Okay, enough of that rant…he gets a prisoner who has a life in prison sentence and the last of his subjects, who is pretty skinny.

Well, I’ll Give Them This…If They Are Going To Get People Who May Be Pathetically Skinny…
Get The Guy Who Played The Sloth Victim In Se7en

They put a mask on the man and inject his head with a crap load of Venom so this measly guy can turn into the powerhouse villain known as Bane.

Oh, did I forget to mention Bane is in this movie? Well, he is…and he is basically just the #1 minion in this film. Nope, he is not a sophisticated, steroid addled villain who in the comic books, broke Batman’s back. He is just a mindless thug for the villains of this film. And he is played by Jeep Swenson, whose only other well-known credit was being in WCW.

As Originally Called The Final Solution On Nitro, Before The Idiots Up In WCW Were Told To Change It Because, I Don’t Know…The Final Solution Was Also What Hitler Called His Death Camps For The Jewish Prisoners (Not Like That Was Hard To Know About).  So In The Doomsday Cage Match At Uncensored, He Was Known As The Ultimate Solution.
Woodrue notices that Isley is in his lab and he takes her away to have a talk. There, he wants her to join him in his plan to sell Venom as a weapon. He also mentions that there original sponsor didn’t have the stomach to turn Venom into a weapon so he cut the funding. Pamela understandably says no to his plan to use her “good-natured” plans of cross-breeding plants with animals into a weapon for war, so Woodrue decides that she must die. He throws her into some chemicals and dumps some more chemicals on her. Letting her sink to the ground with the plants and snakes.

Back at the Bat Cave, Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) then shows the origin of Mr. Freeze, which basically is like the origin in the Batman: The Animated Series (without the thugs causing the bad things). Victor Fries (2 time Olympic Decathlete & Nobel-Prize Winner For Molecular Biology) is trying to find a cure for his wife who has a late stage of McGregor’s Syndrome, hoping to freeze her in a cryogenic state so the disease won’t get any worse while he figures out the cure. Unfortunately, an explosion happens in his lab and he falls into some freezing liquid.

Victor Fries survived somehow, but his wife is assumed dead. Alfred leaves this discussion because as we all can guess, Alfred is sick and this news might be depressing to him. Bruce then reveals that Fries needs cold to survive and his suit uses diamonds to keep his body cold. Bruce then makes another joke about it being ice that the iceman wants.

[16 quarters in the jar]

Bruce then says to Alfred that they need the Wayne Diamonds so they can set a trap for Mr. Freeze. We then gives Dick Grayson (aka Robin) shit for being reckless and nearly getting himself killed. Dick then asks why Bruce won’t trust him, which Alfred agrees upon. Look…last movie, I can understand Alfred seeing that Bruce is being a dick to well, Dick (sorry for that bad pun), but this film…Dick Grayson is well, a complete whiner who deserves the shit he gets from Bruce most of the time. Sorry, but Alfred shouldn’t be agreeing with him. Although Alfred does say that Dick does fallen the same situation he did when he was a kid (even mentioning that while Bruce may trust Alfred, the butler won’t be there forever). And after Alfred leaves, Bruce remembers a moment when Alfred was the true father figure for him when he was a child.

Back in the South American lab, Dr. Woodrue is talking to the mysterious bidder, who we learn won the bidding for Bane. Suddenly, tremors come from the ground and from it arises Pamela Isley.

Unfortunately, it is here where we get Uma Thurman playing Poison Ivy and acting like a 50s seductress and as much jokes as we give Arnold for Mr. Freeze, Uma Thurman is WORSE as Poison Ivy. The way she delivers this dialogue feels completely forced and not Uma Thurman whatsoever. Anyway, Pamela says that she has had a change of heart on Woodrue’s offer, admitting the animal-plant toxins had a unique effect on her. She says that they replaced her blood with aloe, her skin with chlorophyll and then she talks about her lips before kissing Woodrue. After doing so, she says that her lips have been filled with venom. The mad doctor realizes what has happened and after a few minutes of painful coughing, he dies.

Well, So Much For Getting The Floronic Man

She says that it is a jungle in here and goes on a speech about being Mother Nature herself. She has decided that it is time for plants to take back the Earth, which is rightfully theirs. She sets the lab on fire and when seeing that a beaker says Wayne Enterprises, decides that she needs to meet with Bruce Wayne and for some reason also controls Bane now too.

At Snowy Cones Ice Cream…

Which Is Of Course Where Mr. Freeze’s Lair Is.

The Year Without Santa Claus is playing with the Snow Miser song being sung. Mr. Freeze is in his pajamas conducting his men (who are freezing by the way) to sing the song for him.

I’m Sure Arnold Enjoyed The Hell Out Of This Scene

His minions suck at singing (which is understandable as they are cold as hell) that even Mr. Freeze gives up on them. Then the resident Freeze groupie shows up, named Ms. B. Haven, and she is played by the lovely Vivica A Fox.

She tries to get into Mr. Freeze’s pants, saying she would weather blizzards just to have him.

[17 quarters in the jar]

She wants to “heat things up” (which I would put a penny in the jar, but it is a hot pun so can’t do that). He declines and she says “talk about your cold shoulder.” Well, I can absolutely count that one.

[18 quarters in the jar]

Ms. B. Haven gives him a booty bump and she leaves, never again to be seen in this movie. No, I’m not kidding. Vivica A. Fox’s role in this film is just basically a cameo. Vivica thanks them for the paycheck He then calls for one of his guards, who he names Frosty (sadly can’t count that one as that is who the credits say his character’s name is).

Mr. Freeze puts more diamonds in his suit, saying battling Batman drained a lot of power. He says he was still successful though and says he needs one more giant diamond for his freezing engine will be complete. He reveals his plan is to freeze the city and then he will hold Gotham ransom for billions, as he needs it to finish his research….so he can find a cure. He then has Frosty leave so he can gaze into the chamber that holds his wife in cryogenic stasis.

You Knew That Since This Was Based On The Animated Series, That His Cryogenically Frozen Wife Would Be Still Alive. Even If You Didn’t Watch Batman: The Animated Series (Which In That Case, What Is Wrong With You…It Is One Of The Best Cartoons Ever), Her Being Alive Is Not That Much Of A Twist.

At Wayne Manor the next day, a young woman comes to the door. She rings the doorbell and Alfred is rather slow to get it so Dick Grayson gets it instead.

Hi Clueless

This young woman’s name is Barbara Wilson, and she is here to see her Uncle Alfred. This is definitely a huge departure from Barbara Gordon, who was Commissioner Gordon’s daughter and Batgirl in the comics. But in this film, this will be our Batgirl. While you are replacing her being related to one important character with another important character. Having her be Alfred’s niece instead of Commissioner Gordon’s daughter really takes away a huge intrigue into Barbara’s character as she has to keep her Batgirl identity a secret from her own father and since Alfred is probably the only person who has known who Batman was at the very beginning, that intrigue will be completely gone when she turns into Batgirl because why wouldn’t he freaking know.

Dick is infatuated with her and it is understandable for us as in many of the comics and TV shows, there was always romantic tension between Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon, but it never really went anywhere. Barbara has of course come all the way from England, which is very curious as Barbara never once displays any form of an English accent, which if she had been in England for a while as this film suggests, she probably would have gotten one by adaptation to society around her. It is also revealed that Barbara’s parents (who were Alfred’s sister and brother in law) died in a car crash. She says she is “on break” (which we’ll find out means something else later) and we also see she likes the motorcycle that Dick Grayson had in the last film. He reveals that it is a competition racer and he has been fixing it up. He says maybe he’ll show her how to ride it sometime, which Alfred retorts that he certainly will not. She lies and says that she is terrified of “these things”. They convince her to stay with them while she is here.

That night, we see Alfred on his computer when Barbara comes in, saying she came to tuck him in. He reveals to her that he is trying to find his brother (her other uncle) Wilfred. He is apparently first butler to the Maharaja of some place I can’t spell. Apparently it is somewhere in India. He says he has been trying to reach him with no success and we see he has a picture of Barbara’s mother Margaret who he called Peg. He says that when one grows ancient, one yearns for family, which is true and luckily for my surviving grandparents, they have a lot of family living near them and visit anytime. They have a tender moment where they admit that they both missed each other. She leaves before telling her uncle to go to bed.

After leaving Alfred’s room, Barbara takes off the robe to reveal a jump suit. Oh….you were expecting me to say that she had nothing under that robe? This is a PG-13 film, not a porn parody. She grabs a leather jacket and a motorcycle helmet from her room and sneaks out through a window. She then takes the bike and leaves the property.

The next day, we see a red limo which Bane is driving and is ridden in by Poison Ivy.

This Picture Is Just Perfect For Mockery

Poison Ivy puts on a blonde wig and tells Bane to take her to Gotham Observatory. At Gotham Observatory…

What A Strange Design For An Observatory

Bruce here starts off his speech by saying his father once told him that to succeed, you need to pick a star and follow it. He says because of that, Wayne Enterprises is donating the world’s most advanced telescope to Gotham’s Observatory Restoration Project. He says that with any luck, this telescope will give future generations a chance to follow their own stars. It is here that we also meet Bruce’s new girlfriend Julie Madison, played by Ellen McPherson.

Julie Madison (Unlike Chase Meridian) Was Actually In The Comic Books As Bruce Wayne’s First Real Girlfriend, Which Is Different From The Movies Where Vicki Vale Was The First. Oh And Gossip Gerty Is Back From Batman Forever As Well (Played By The Same Actress)

The scientific aides reveal that the telescope works with satellites all across the world, which will mean we will see anywhere in the sky. Bruce then makes the joke that they better not point that telescope in his bedroom. Bruce is asked if he is going to tie the knot with Ms. Madison since they have been going out for quite some time now and Bruce is very flummoxed by the idea of marriage. Julie steps in for him by saying Bruce and her are recklessly in love and that is enough for them…..for now. He then wants everyone to follow him to the central control grid. But before they get there, Pamela Isley comes through security.

The Guy In The Back Played E. Honda In Street Fighter

Wayne reveals that he remembers Dr. Woodrue, and that he cut off funding after finding out he was a lunatic. He also says that the lab burned down apparently and is glad she is alive. She gives Bruce a proposal on how Wayne Enterprises can cease all actions that toxify the environment. She says to forget the stars and focus on the Earth as it deserves his loyalty and protection. Bruce says that her intentions are noble, but with her plan, millions of people will die of food and hunger alone. She says that it is a necessary risk to save the environment and Bruce says that people come first. He then gives her a black envelope, which contains an invitation to a event to auction off a prized diamond to raise money for Gotham’s Botanical Gardens, which Batman and Robin will be at. He thanks everyone for coming and says good day to Isley before leaving.

While leaving, Pamela talks to herself about Batman & Robin being militant arms of the warm-blooded oppressors and animal protectors of the status quo. She says that first, she will rid herself of the fur and feathered pests and then Gotham will be hers for the greening.

Back at Mr. Freeze’s hideout, he is watching the wedding video between him and his wife. Frosty then comes in to interrupt Freeze’s viewing with some news. Mr. Freeze doesn’t appreciate this and shoots him with his freeze gun.

Mr. Freeze Freezes The Guy Who Was A Thug For Harvey Dent In Batman Forever “Like A Boss”

He then makes an “on the nose” joke about hating it when people talk during the movie (don’t we all?). He watches as we see Victor (before the accident) giving his wife the snowflake necklace and he talks about them needing one more diamond. He then goes over to the frozen Frosty and sees the newspaper he was holding that reveals the event that will be loaning the Wayne Diamonds to for auction.

We then go to the fundraising event where one of the people attending this place was Anne from Demonic Toys.

Oh Boy, I Get To Go To A Rich People Party.

That Is Apparently Jungle Themed

We have Commissioner Gordon holding the Wayne Diamonds as we begin the auction with several fine looking ladies acting as women being bid on and the highest one gets the diamonds around their neck. Of course, Batman & Robin basically talk and remind us that this is all a trap to lure Mr. Freeze from hiding. In the background, we see a pink and a purple gorilla (seriously) running in the background, knocking off dancers from their position. Suddenly, sultry music conveniently begins as the pink gorilla starts dancing exotically.

Kneel Before My Exotic Dancing, You Silly Humans.

The gorilla takes off the costume to reveal Poison Ivy.

Robin: Batman, Why Are We Seeing An Attractive Woman In A Ridiculous Gorilla Costume
Batman: I Don’t Know, Robin

Poison Ivy blows some dust (which is pheromones to attract men to her).

This of course entrances the men and she is able to do this completely choreographed scene where she walks over men in Tarzan costumes.

This Scene Must Have Been In Uma Thurman’s Contract For This Film

This introduction to her for the Gotham crowd may be supposed to be sexy and seductive, but I still can’t get over the ridiculous purple gorilla suit that takes me completely out of the scene. It’s like I always said to Porno Pete about watching Cleavagefield, “No amount of tits and ass will make me forget a fake CGI Flinstone Style Dinosaur with a Beer Belly”. It kind of rings true here. You can parade Poison Ivy as being this bombshell femme fetale for me all you want, I still remember the ridiculous gorilla trying to do an exotic dance because it is ridiculously funny as hell.

Anyway, Poison Ivy introduces herself to the crowd and gives Batman and Robin more pheromone dust before trying to place the two against each other. She tells Batman to send Junior home early as she has some wild oats to sew. She then goes to Robin and tells him youth does have his advantages with endurance and stamina so he should forget the geriatric bat and join her as her garden needs tending. She places the Wayne Diamonds around her neck and says that whoever wins the bidding gets a night with her. She says she will bring everything they see with her body and everything they don’t.  Of course, the rich old guys (one of them being Jack Betts, who played a fisherman in Batman Forever) are bidding like hell for her. And eventually Batman and Robin start bidding too and it comes down to the two of them bidding against each other. We then get the infamous scene that the Nostalgia Critic went crazy over.

The Bat Credit Card Which He Says To Never Leave The Cave Without It.

Okay, I’ll admit this scene is incredibly stupid and corny as hell. However, you have to remember that they are going for more of a 60s Batman/90s Batman hybrid and in the 60s Batman, we had Bat Shark Repellant.

Anything Else Batman Related Pales In Comparison, Including A Bat Credit Card.

Suddenly, this ridiculous moment gets interrupted by Mr. Freeze who uses his vehicle to freeze random people including models and the M.C.

Mr. Freeze then tells everyone to “chill”. Two things here, Mr. Freeze: 1) This being a stickup, this is the perfect time to tell everyone here to “Freeze”; and 2)….

[19 quarters in a jar]

Batman and Robin battle the hockey goons as Mr. Freeze meets with Poison Ivy, wanting the diamonds.

The Meeting Of Ridiculous Minds

Poison Ivy tries the pheromone dust and while Mr. Freeze gives her credit for using that as a weapon, it doesn’t work on a “cold-hearted” so he tells her again to give him the diamonds.

[20 quarters in the jar]

She shows her neck and he takes the diamond. Obviously, Poison Ivy is very infatuated with Mr. Freeze. He starts to leave, but says to Batman & Robin that this was a “cool party”.

[21 quarters in the jar]

Mr. Freeze drives away and Batman tells Commissioner Gordon that he has 11 minutes to thaw these people before leaving while Robin is still infatuated by Poison Ivy, so Batman has to drag him off. Gordon tells Ivy that she just met one of the most sinister men in Gotham before leaving to thaw people. Poison Ivy says to herself that Mr. Freeze isn’t a man, but a god. She plays with the Gotham snow globe and gets the purple gorilla to leave with her.

Who Is Bane Of Course

Grape Ape Is Sad

Batman and Robin have a vehicle chase with Mr. Freeze and two cars with minions (Batman in the Batmobile and Robin in the Redbird Cycle). Mr. Freeze uses his freeze ray to freeze a path onto the statue and they ride through the statue before riding off the opposite end. Batman tells Robin he can’t make the jump, but Robin says he can. Batman then decides to use his computer to disable the Redbird Cycle so Robin gets halted, which pisses Robin off who screams.

Now The Actor Realizes The Shitty Movie He Is In And Knows He Definitely Can’t Back Out Of It Since Half Of The Movie Has Been Shot.

The two minion cars also don’t make it, killing the minions inside.

Sucks To Be You, Minions

Mr. Freeze stops and sees the Batmobile coming at his vehicle and quips that “it is a cold town” before shooting freeze rays at the Batmobile.

[22 quarters in the jar]

Before the Batmobile freezes, Batman ejects himself out of it and flies into Mr. Freeze and in the next shot, we see Mr. Freeze down and out while Batman stands over him.

After that happens, we head back to the Batcave where Robin is pissed at Batman for not trusting him to make the jump. Grayson said that when he was part of the Flying Graysons, each person had to trust the other to do their part and that is what partners is all about. Batman responds by accusing Robin of not having his head on the job and only thinking of Poison Ivy. And then Robin basically confirms Batman’s suspicions by accusing Batman of only being mad because she might have wanted Robin more than Batman. Um…Robin, I was with you until you said that line and now I think Batman did the right thing by making sure you didn’t try the jump. Your head isn’t in the game, kid.

Robin throws a hissy fit about it always being Batman’s rules and even complains about it being Batman & Robin and not Robin & Batman. Batman then says that yes, it is his rules and it is his rules that keep them freaking alive so if you want to stay in this house and on this team, you will abide by them. Then Robin goes back to Batman never trusting him, which I’m sure Batman would have had more trust in you…if you had not gone on that little whiny rant.

We go back to Alfred who is recording a message to his brother Wilfred and saying that he needs to speak to him as they have very little time left, pretty much giving away that Alfred is not going to be around much longer. Batman goes back to Bruce Wayne and talks with Alfred as Batman has doubts about himself when it comes to working with Robin. He asks Alfred if it is always his way or the high way and Alfred says actually, yes it is. The butler continues that death and chance stole his parents from him, but rather than become a victim, he has done everything in his power to control the face. He then asks what is Batman, if not an effort to master the chaos that sweeps our world and to control death itself. It’s conversations like these that make Alfred actually the only redeeming quality of these films as while there is complete shit going all around him, Alfred (or rather the actor playing him, Michael Gough) still remains the same, putting in the effort to salvage something from it.

Batman then reminisces about Alfred being there as he puts flowers on his parents’ grave. He then says to Alfred, “But I can’t can I?” and Alfred responds that “None of us can”. We then see Barbara Wilson try to sneak the bike back in and gets caught by Dick Grayson. Dick tries to talk to her, but Barbara’s first response is to hip toss him to the ground (with sound effects saying that maybe Barbara broke Dick’s arm even though she didn’t so what was the point of those sound effects). Dick asks if she learned a few Judo lessons as London is kind of rough. Dick then says she might have minored in motorbikes. Barbara then says that she couldn’t resist as it’s beautiful. Yeah, Alicia Silverstone won a Razzie for her role in this and her acting here, really shows that she kind of deserved it.

At Arkham Asylum, two guards put Mr. Freeze in his new room. Freeze wants to “break the ice” and introduce himself.

[23 quarters in the jar]

He then says that they should learn it well as it is the “chilling sound of their doom”.

[24 quarters in the jar]

Freeze then makes the two guards’ heads collide and tries to escape, but after a few feet, he falls to the ground, trying to live.
The one guard laughs and mentions that he can’t live outside the cold zone and that is how he will stay here.

By The Way, If That Guard Talking Looks And Sounds Familiar, That’s Because It Is Arnold’s Longtime Friend, Former Professional Wrestler, And Eventual Governor Of Minnesota Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

Who You Might Remember As Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe

Oh and the other guy with the eye patch is also familiar because it’s Ralf Moeller, who was Arnold Calgrove in Seed.

Because Of Course This Movie Had To Have A Connection With The Worst Movie I Have Ever Inducted On Monster Crap.

So for the rest of the time they are in the film, let’s just call them Officer Abraxas and Officer Calgrove. Back to the film, basically Victor is screwed and won’t be able to get out of prison on his own.

Meanwhile, Poison Ivy and Bane go to find a hideout for her and she finds one in a Turkish Bath with a Do Not Enter sign, that has tenants in it.

Great, It’s The Neon Painted Geeks. Didn’t We See Their Gang Get Their Ass Kicked In The Last Film.

Anyway, they seem to be charmed by Poison Ivy that she doesn’t even need to use her dust on these guys. She then decides that they can have her….if they can go through Bane. This doesn't go over well as Bane kicks their asses so they run away. We then get a scene where Poison Ivy and Bane redecorate the place because that is always what we needed to see in a Batman movie, interior redecoration.

Coming Soon To HGTV…Making A Lair, Starring Poison Ivy & Bane

By the way, Ivy creates CGI plants that have not aged well at all to make this place her lair.

She then tells Bane about her plan to free Mr. Freeze as he is someone who strikes her fancy. She even calls him a “cool customer”.

[25 quarters in the jar]

She then has Bane clean up the place as they have company coming.

Poison Ivy…Someone You Would Never Want To Hire To Clean Up A Place

Then we go to a dinner scene with Bruce Wayne and Julie Madison.

It is here that Julie wants a commitment from Bruce since they have been going out for more than a year. Bruce says that he is not the marrying kind as there are things about him she would not understand. She says that Bruce will make someone a good husband someday, but she can’t wait around forever. She then tries to tell Bruce she doesn’t want to pressure him (even though that is exactly what she is doing), but all Bruce can think about is Poison Ivy. It comes even to the point where even though we see it, he says Ivy, which confuses and makes Julie distraught enough to wonder “who is Ivy?” Bruce answers that he wishes he knew.

Now before I even started this film, I got things said about this character like she is worse than Chase Meridian in looks and attitude. They hated her wanting a commitment from Bruce while Chase was just willing to just have sex with him. My opinion of this matter is Elle McPhearson may not be a good actress (not even close to Nicole Kidman), but for the little role that she had, she was okay. And here is why I am going to say this. She portrayed Julie Madison as the way Julie Madison was portrayed in most of the comics. Like I mentioned, she was Bruce Wayne’s first love interest and this was really her ultimate reason for leaving Batman in the early comics, because she couldn’t wait forever and wanted a commitment. So sorry, but I’m not in much of the hating her as some people are.

Meanwhile in the Bat Cave, Robin is wondering the exact thing about Ivy, before an alarm goes off in the cave, notifying Robin that something is happening. He sees Barbara going on a ride with the motorcycle and decides to follow. So where is Barbara going at night? To a place where they race motorcycles organized by a man named Banker. This place is of course run by lowlifes like…

These Men In Wigs

These Guys Who Like The Droogs From A Clockwork Orange

Then we meet Banker who…

Is Played By Coolio.

You Might Remember Him As 187 From Dracula 3000

Now you have to remember that he was a big deal in the mid to late 90s so him making an appearance in this film, sort of makes sense as he was also on the damn soundtrack as well. A rival biker (whose name is Spike) comes and knows that she was the one who won the tunnel run two nights ago, but says that she isn’t going to win this race as the tunnel run was kids’ stuff.

He tries to tell her to go home, but being the “rebel” Barbara is, she says they should have a side bet which the other biker agrees to. And we see obviously that one of the racers is Dick Grayson.

The Eyes And The Robin Helmet From The Last Film Give It Away

Spike tells his gang to wait for him at a certain spot as there is obviously an ambush being planned. Banker uses balloons and a gun in the air to begin the race. The race is completely unbelievable as there sparks showing up for no damn reason and there are freaking balloons on the track. Spike uses the gang to try and have Barbara killed by falling off a broken bridge, which should have been hinted that he was going off track because having a track leading to a broken bridge makes no sense whatsoever.

The bikes go off the edge, but Dick is able to save Barbara.

By Complete Freaking Luck

The next scene, they somehow have apparently been able to get out of that situation and are back in the garage where Dick is wondering why Barbara is doing this. Barbara reveals after her parents died, the speed and danger was take him out of himself and made the pain go away. She says he wouldn’t understand, even though Dick’s parents died too. She reveals that street racing wasn’t acceptable at her academy so she got kicked out, but she says it doesn’t matter as she won all the money she needs. Dick asks what does she need that money for and she reveals she wants to take Alfred away from being a butler as she thinks they abuse him.

All The While Looking Like She Has A Five O’Clock Shadow.

He tries to say Alfred loves it here and she reveals that Alfred is sick before leaving.

Bruce tells Robin that Alfred isn’t sick, but that he is actually dying. Dick wonders why Alfred didn’t tell them and Bruce says he should know Alfred would never say anything about his health, but Bruce can tell. Dick is distraught by this news and Bruce is as well.

At Arkham Asylum, Mr. Freeze is making a little ice sculpture of his beloved wife and then puts it in a device that allows it to spin, making it like a little spinning ballerina.

It’s Actually Kind Of Touching And Shows That Victor Is Smart.

The villain then gets told by Officer Abraxas & Officer Calgrove that he has a visitor who is his sister, which is funny as Victor doesn’t have a sister so guess who it is???

Of Course, It Is Poison Ivy.

She then takes off her coat and the two guards have already fallen for her, which is weird because she didn’t even need to use the pheromone dust on these two.

But She Uses It Anyway

She then gets both guards to kiss her and they die.

Meanwhile, in the criminal property locker…

Hey, They Have Stuff From Two-Face & Riddler, But Not Penguin Or Joker.

Bane breaks in through a wall to steal Mr. Freeze’s suit and take out the guard watching over it. 

Oh Yea…..Ow, Hit My Head On The Ceiling Lamp

Mr. Freeze is impressed by Poison Ivy’s ability to kill men by kissing them. She says she has been impressed with him as well, also calling him “her most abominable snowman”.

[26 quarters in the jar]

She proposes a pairing, which Mr. Freeze is interested by. She has come to set him free, but Mr. Freeze wonders what she wants in return. She just gives him the eyes.

Oh Freeze…I Think You Can Guess What I Want

She then says “let’s cool it for now” because we have a guest coming.

[27 quarters in the jar]

That guest being Bane, who goes past security with Mr. Freeze’s suit on what looks like a mine cart and once he delivers it to him, Mr. Freeze has the perfect quip for this that actually makes me chuckle every time I hear it for a reason unknown to me.

Freeze: A Laundry Service That Delivers…..Wow!

The guards are trying to break the door down while the trio plan their escape. Bane tries to punch through the wall, but since it is re-enforced steel, no luck there. But Mr. Freeze uses a pipe from his suit that keeps him cold to freeze the pipes and break the wall.

Mr. Freeze even says that you should always winterize your pipes.

[28 quarters in the jar]

They go and see how high they are from the cell.

As the only other way out is through the guards, they just jump….

And Surprisingly Don’t Die.

It is also revealed to Poison Ivy that Mr. Freeze has a wife they need to retrieve that Poison Ivy is none too fond of hearing.

Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce confronts Alfred on his sickness and says he can get him the best doctors, which Alfred says he has already done so as a gentleman does not discuss his ailments as it is rather uncivilized. Bruce then asks if Alfred ever regretted working here and says he doesn’t regret one minute of looking after heroes. Well, he has one regret and that is he was never able to be out there with them. Bruce then says not all heroes wear masks, hinting that he considers Alfred a hero to him. Dick then comes down to reveal that Freeze has escaped.

The two get themselves into their costumes and Batman & Robin go to Freeze’s old hideout with the cops (one of them being played by the “Handsome Reporter” from Batman Forever who is credited as “Handsome Cop”) and Commissioner Gordon. They know Mr. Freeze will come here to get his diamonds back to re-charge his suit so they will wait for him. Gordon reveals via a surveillance camera that both Bane and Poison Ivy helped him escape. Gordon also reveals that two nights ago, these two appeared from South Africa by a charter plane, putting 10 security guards in the hospital and left a business man dead from swallowing organic poisons, then stealing his limousine. Batman and Robin both agree that Poison Ivy is evil, can’t believe they were fighting over her, and then agree that they are so over her. The two then find Freeze’s cryogenically frozen wife. It is here that they find out that Mr. Freeze has found a cure for Stage 1 of McGregor’s Syndrome. Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane sneak in from underneath. Poison Ivy has the great plan of Mr. Freeze grabbing the diamonds while she grabs his snowy bride, which Mr. Freeze agrees with.

[29 quarters in the jar]

Um….no questions as to how and all? Yeah, Freeze….you basically just handed Poison Ivy an easy way to sabotage your wife. Poison Ivy also says that Freeze should leave Batman & Robin to her. Then she blows dust at the two.

Both men know that it is Poison Ivy doing it so they go underneath to find her. Meanwhile, Mr. Freeze sees all the police in the lab and hates that they are uninvited guests so he pulls a lever to create cold smoke that causes the guards to wildly cough and faint as Freeze grabs his diamonds. He then says that he is “chilled to perfection”.

[30 quarters in the jar]

Thankfully as Mr. Freeze escapes and before they all die, Commissioner Gordon is able to pull the lever to turn off the freezing gas.

Batman and Robin go down to find Bane. They fight Bane, but Poison Ivy pulls Robin to the side and blows more pheromone dust in him, basically turning Robin back in love with her.

Robin goes back to fight Bane as Batman falls and Ivy tries to seduce Batman, but unfortunately for her, her dust doesn’t work on him now that he knows she is evil. He tries to get her to reveal where Freeze is, but she says probably the most pain inducing line in the movie before Bane attacks Batman.

Poison Ivy: I’m a lover, not a fighter. That’s why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!

I want you  people in Warner Brothers and whatever toy company does the Batman figures, I hope you all are EXTREMELY glad that I never found a Poison Ivy action figure because after hearing that line, I was so freaking tempted to find one so I could just to break it. Even the cartoons in the 80s that were basically just shows to sell the freaking toys, didn’t go that far to refer to themselves as action figures. You just basically in your own freaking movie basically tried to sell an action figure with the dialogue. Oh and I looked this up.

Congrats On That Line Being A Complete Lie To All The Little Kids, You Exploitive Bastards.

In fact, the funny thing is….I’ve looked and the action figures can come in a combo with Batman or Robin, but none of them come with Bane.

Anyway, as Batman is fighting Bane again, Poison Ivy once again goes for Robin, tempting him with being a solo hero and having his own signal in the sky. She is about to kiss and kill him, but Batman stops it from happening by telling Robin that her lips are poison and she used it to kill the businessmen at the airport. Robin then goes back to being argumentative with Batman by once again thinking Batman is jealous that she likes Robin more than Batman. While the two are fighting, Poison Ivy and Bane get away.

But of course Poison Ivy has one more thing to do before leaving.

That’s Cut The Cord To Victor’s Wife’s Cryogenic Tank.

She says to the frozen wife that she has never been good with competition and who needs a frigid wife.

[31 quarters in the jar]

Back at the Turkish Bath that Poison Ivy has turned into her lair, Poison Ivy comes back and sees that Mr. Freeze has already decorated a part of the lair for his needs.

But No Scene Where Freeze Interior Decorates That Part? Come On, Movie…How Will We Know How He Did It?

Poison Ivy then lies to Mr. Freeze and says that Batman deactivated his wife’s chamber, killing her. She even shows the necklace as “proof” of her death. Freeze sees this and produces a CGI tear from his eye.

Now Freeze is really pissed. He basically wants to kill Batman & Robin, saying their bones will turn to ice.

[32 quarters in the jar]

He then says that their blood will freeze in his hands.

[33 quarters in the jar]

But Poison Ivy is able to convince him to destroy all of humanity with his freeze engine as well. He then says that he will blanket the city in endless winter.

[34 quarters in the jar]

Poison Ivy then reveals that she agrees with his plan and says everything dead on earth, but them which will be a chance for Mother Nature to start again. She then shows the plant-snake hybrid that she has created which will be the dawn of a new age. Freeze is okay with this as they will recreate Adam & Eve, called Adam and Evil. Freeze ends by having her go to distract Batman & Robin while he goes to freeze Gotham. Not going to put a quarter for that one as that is basically the plan and not really a pun.

Back at Wayne Manor, the doctor reveals that Alfred has Stage 1 of McGregor’s Syndrome. After that, they talk about Freeze having a cure for Alfred’s stage, but they don’t know how. Bruce then says he has to go to a dedication ceremony and then go after Freeze and Ivy alone. Dick is completely against this idea, thinking that he wants to capture Ivy for himself to hog all the glory. Bruce then says that she has done something to them to cause a wedge, but Dick once again goes with the “you don’t like it that she likes me more than you” routine, which is pretty old now. He even says that he wants his own signal and wants to go solo so he can no longer live in Batman’s shadow.

Barbara talks with Alfred and he tells her to find a way to give Wilfred the CD he made as he has duties that his brother must fill in his stead as only family can be trusted. She says she will do it, but after leaving….goes to the computer and wants to see what is on the CD herself.

Meanwhile, we are back at Gotham Observatory for the dedication ceremony. We see Julie with Bruce just being eye candy. And that is the last you will see of her character as many of her scenes were cut out of the movie and Julie is the first ever love interest that is not featured prominently in this film. Nothing much really happens here other than Pamela Isley’s conversation with Commissioner Gordon. She tries to seduce Gordon and uses the dust to get him to fall in love with her. She wants to see the Bat Signal and Gordon gives her the keys. After getting the keys, she says Gordon is too old for her and leaves, while Gordon wishes for her to come back. Bruce sees this with the dust’s smell, but does nothing about it.

We go back to Freeze with his goons as he makes this declaration.

Freeze: First, I will turn Gotham into an icy graveyard. Then, I will pull Batman’s heart from his body and feel it freeze in my hands.

Well, two cold puns so…

[36 quarters in the jar]

Pamela then has Bane rip apart the Bat Signal.

Barbara tries to find out what is in the CD, but it is password protected. She tries using Alfred, which is wrong. Then she tries in order: Wayne, England, and Margaret. She finally looks at the picture of her mom and sees Peg is signed on it, so she uses Peg as the password. Turns out Peg was the password and she is able to get what is inside the CD, which is the information that reveals everything about Batman, Robin, and The Bat Cave.

Meanwhile, Bruce tends to Alfred, who is in bed. He whispers that he has tried his entire life to beat back death. But he feels he has failed as everything he is capable of and has done, can’t save Alfred. Alfred tells Bruce that there is no defeat in death as victory comes in defending what we know is right while we still live. Bruce once again reminisces about a time in his childhood with Alfred, this time Alfred reading him a bedtime story. Bruce then says to Alfred, “I love you, old man.” Alfred says that he loves Bruce too. Then Bruce hugs him.

Freeze goes to the Gotham Observatory and reveals that with the combined power of the telescopes’ crystals will complete his freezing engine. And Bane is in the back.

Finally, I Get To Be The Passenger And Not The Driver.

The Robin Signal shows up.

Robin comes out and Bruce wonders where he is going. Robin says that Ivy needs him as the signal is up. Bruce says that Ivy is Pamela Isley and she must have stolen Gordon’s keys and changed the signal. Robin says that she did it out of love. Bruce says that she has infected them with some sort of pheromone extract. Once again, Robin goes with that argument that I’m not even going to bother repeating because it is old as hell. Bruce tells Robin this line that can be construed in so many ways.

Bruce: She wants to kill you, Dick.

Bruce finally goes back to what Robin said a while ago about being part of a team means you have to trust your partner and sometimes, counting on someone else is the only way to win. Bruce says he wasn’t talking about partners, he was talking about being a family so he is asking Robin to trust him this one time. This actually causes Robin pause, but we won’t find out his answer till later as we need to go to the next scene.

At Gotham Observatory, two scientists (played by a guy who was Data’s Father in the Goonies (who was also an executive in Batman Forever) and a woman who was Margaret in Batman Forever (whoever that was)) are setting up the crystals for the telescope when Mr. Freeze barges in with Bane. The guy scientist asks “who is this nutball”, which Freeze responds to by shooting him with the freeze gun.

You Know, Male Scientist…That Really Hurt Mr. Freeze’s Feelings. Can’t You Tell That He Immediately Shot You After You Said That.

After the woman scientist screams, she gets shot as well.

Bane starts setting up bombs that look like icicles everywhere for some reason and if you didn’t know they were bombs, Bane is here to help you out by mumbling “bomb” after every one he places. Mr. Freeze ascends to the crystals and sets up the freeze engine, saying this line.

Freeze: If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday best…and feast.

[37 quarters in the jar]

The machine begins to work and Mr. Freeze says that “tonight, hell freezes over.”

[38 quarters in the jar]

I Think Mr. Freeze Is Rooting For Me To Pass 10 Dollars And We Are Rather Close To Getting There.

Back at the Bat Cave, Barbara decides to enter since apparently it was easy to get in despite last time, Robin needing his freaking acrobatic skills and even then, he discovered it by accident. So Barbara enters and immediately sets off one of the motion detectors that were easy to freaking see.

Barbara Really Is Clueless Here

Alfred on the computer says there is an intruder alert, but is sentient enough to know it is Barbara speaking when she says it is her. He basically explains that as he programmed his brain algorithms into the computer, meaning while Alfred is sick upstairs, he is fine down here so obviously McGregor’s Syndrome is not a disease of the brain or we would be getting some rather strange glitches.

Barbara says in the most unconvincing tone that she would like to help Batman and Robin. Alfred says he thought as much so he took the liberty to create something in her size. So she says suit me up and we get the suiting up montage.

With Bat Ass, But No Bat Nipples

Robin goes to Poison Ivy’s lair, which is where the Robin signal directed him to, where he meets Ivy sitting out of a throne made to be a flower and open up like a flower.

Poison Ivy Is Looking At All The Girls Giggling And Saying “Oh Come On, I Would Want One Of These If You Were A Supervillain. You’re All Just Jealous I Actually Was Able To Make One.”

Poison Ivy continues to seduce Robin and she wants the kiss, but Robin will only do so once she reveals her plan. So like the dumbass she is, she reveals that the plan is for Mr. Freeze to use the Gotham Observatory to freeze all of Gotham or as she said it, “is about to turn Gotham into an ice cube.”

[39 quarters in the jar]

Robin says he has to stop him, but Poison Ivy stops him and says she just wants one kiss. So Robin kisses her and Poison Ivy then says that she is afraid he is in for some bad luck and it is time for him to die. But as anyone knows with him basically insisting on her revealing the plan, this was a trap.

Yep, He Had On Rubber Lips So Her Lips Never Really Touched His.

She is mad and pushes Robin into the pool where he is supposed to be getting attacked by underwater plants who are attempting to drown him, but you can easily tell it is Robin who is just grabbing onto the plants and rolling around with them. (Note to self: Really need to induct Bride of the Monster some day)

Poison Ivy goes to leave, but Batman stands in her way. She then talks about how her vines have a crush on Batman and ceiling vines grab Batman, then tie him to the ceiling.

Quick, Get Me Off This Ceiling.  Lionel Ritchie Is About To Dance On It And I Don’t Want Him Stepping On Me.

Poison Ivy tries to leave again when a costumed Barbara breaks through the ceiling. She says Poison Ivy is about to become compost so these two have a fight and it’s really obvious they had stunt people to do this fight. Ivy produces a whip and wraps it around Barbara’s leg, saying as she told Lady Fries before she pulled the plug, this is a one woman show. Barbara then starts kicking Poison Ivy’s ass after getting out of the whip and Ivy produces a dagger that she looks at so she can check if she looks good via the reflection. Barbara kicks the dagger away from her and kicks her into the plant throne, which closes on Poison Ivy.

Well, That Seemed Like A Huge Design Flaw With That Throne.

Both Batman and Robin get out of their traps and Robin reveals that Freeze is going to freeze the city. Batman says he knows and asks who the woman is. Barbara calls herself Batgirl and reveals she knows about their secret. Robin says they have to get those locks changed. Batman says she knows who they are, which Robin replies that they will have to kill her. Batman says they will do that after taking care of Mr. Freeze. 

At the Gotham Observatory (that has now turned into a basic Mr. Freeze base thanks to the ice), Mr. Freeze has this saying before starting the machine.

Freeze: Let’s kick some ice…

[40 jars in the jar]

Well, the film isn’t over and we already have 10 dollars in the jar so one more cold related pun and Mr. Freeze will get what he wanted earlier and that is to pass this 10 dollar thing I predicted earlier.

Freeze starts freezing Gotham and we see random people take the freeze ray.

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl all have snow vehicles to head to Gotham Observatory.

Because Why Not

Bruce then says that they have less than 11 minutes to thaw the city. One of Freeze’s goons comes out in that Freeze vehicle and starts shooting icicles at the three. Batgirl flips off her motorcycle and Robin hits the breaks on his snowmobile so he can catch Batgirl. And since the motorcycle was still running somehow, Batgirl is able to get back on the vehicle she flipped off of. Batman’s vehicle parks right in front of the Freeze vehicle and the goon tries to shoot him with the freeze ray, but Batman’s vehicle has reflector shields so it freezes the goon instead.

Mr. Freeze sees on his monitor that the three are coming and tells Bane to take care of Robin and Batgirl, but leave Batman to him. The three heroes use their grappling hooks to climb to the observatory. Robin says there is no sign of the snowman.

[41 quarters in the jar]

Congratulations Robin, your cold pun caused us to go past 10 dollars in this jar. Mr. Freeze would be so proud.


Then Batgirl thinks that maybe he melted. Since that is still a cold pun, I’m counting it.

[42 quarters in the jar]

And Batman then says no, he is just hibernating. Cold pun…

[43 quarters in the jar]

Batman tries to set heaters to try and thaw the two scientists. Batgirl says she hopes he has ten million more of those things while Robin says there is only 8 more minutes to save Gotham. Batman says sunrise could reverse it, but Batgirl says sunrise isn’t until 5 hours. They then figure out if the can relay the sunlight from the Congo using the satellites, they might be able to save Gotham.

Oh Dear God…The Last Time We Used Satellites With The Congo, We Ended Up With Fake Killer Gorillas And Bruce Campbell Getting Killed Like A Bitch Off-Screen

Unfortunately that plan is kaput as the targeting mirrors are frozen, which means the thawing beam won’t work. Batman then tells the two to thaw the mirrors while he sets up the telescope. While Batman is setting up, we get a surprise Mr. Freeze.


Mr. Freeze says that for tonight’s forecast, a freeze is coming.

[44 quarters in the jar]

Mr. Freeze knocks Batman off the controls and Batgirl & Robin off the building. Thankfully, Batgirl’s grappling hook is able to catch something so she saves Robin.

Robin Is Like Princess Toadstool In That He Has To Be Saved By Everybody

The two find a place to land and there, they encounter Bane.

Meanwhile, back at the observatory telescope, Batman and Mr. Freeze are trying to alter the machine to suit their goals with Batman wanting to realign the satellites with the telescope to thaw out everything while Freeze tries to stop him from doing that. Meanwhile the two scientists are just hanging onto the telescope while it is moving.

Bane is about to strangle the two sidekicks to death when they are able to kick the tube from Bane’s head.

Bane starts shrinking and screaming from losing all that Venom before going back to the Bane he was before Venom.

Freeze is choking Batman, but that allows Batman to put one of those thawing devices onto Mr. Freeze which causes problems and allows Batman to knock him into the crystals, destroying the freeze engine.

Batman realigns the telescope with the satellites and is about to thaw out Gotham before time runs out, which surprisingly he actually did in this movie.

Batman tells Mr. Freeze that he has lost, which Mr. Freeze says no to and sets off the icicle bombs. Freeze then says, “Freeze in Hell, Batman.”

[45 quarters in the jar]

The telescopes starts falling and Batman is able to get the two scientists out before it crashes.

Batman lands them somewhere save and goes back to the observatory, giving both Batgirl and Robin a ride up there too.

Batgirl is about to give up hope, but Batman says the satellites are still working and could be positioned to thaw the city directly. He said that would take a computer genius, which both Robin and Batgirl says they are on as they both know their way around computers. And this plan works.

With Surprisingly Barely Any Time To Spare

Batman then go to Mr. Freeze and tell him that he is taking him in.

Freeze tells them to kill him like he did his wife, but Batman reveals that Poison Ivy was the one who deactivated his wife via a video recorder.

Which No Way Batman Could Have Recorded Since He Was On The Ceiling And The Selfie Stick Weren’t Invented Yet.

Freeze yells about this, realizing how much of a fool he was. But Batman has some good news. They were able to restore her and she is still frozen alive, waiting for him to find a cure. Batman gives a speech about Vengeance not being power as anyone can take a life, but to give life, that is true power. Batman then offers Freeze a deal to continue working on a cure at Arkham with funding he needs. He also wants him to help Batman be able to cure McGregor’s Syndrome Stage 1. Freeze then gives Batman two vials from his suit.

He Tells Him To Take Both Of Them And Then Call Him In The Morning.

So now here comes the biggest issue with Freee’s whole motivation. If Victor Fries was able to cure at least 1 stage of McGregor’s Disease, how in the blue and coldest of hells was he not able to get funding. He just had a cure to a disease at Stage 1 and was partially at curing Stage 2. You mean to tell me that between the two years that Victor Fries had his accident till he turns evil, no one was giving him funding. It’s either that or Victor never thought to present his findings to anyone because considering his accomplishments winning a Nobel freaking Prize for Molecular Biology and the fact that he has a cure for Stage 1, I wouldn’t be surprised if the CDC didn’t dump a boatload of money for him to continue his research. In the cartoon, Mr. Freeze is evil because his whole accident was an act of sabotage by an asshole working at Wayne Enterprise who didn’t want to give him the money. That sabotage by that asshole with his associates cause Mr. Freeze not to trust anyone and that is why he was evil. In this film, he is evil because….shut up, he’s just evil. All while trying to exploit that great backstory from the animated series while half assing it at the same time.

At Wayne Manor, they give Alfred the antidote and wait till the morning to see if it works. There is a minute the film tries to build tension in saying it might not have worked, but you all know it works and Alfred is better.

Meanwhile at Arkham, Poison Ivy is in her cell playing “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” with a flower and she gets to a point where she says he loves me, when a voice says “Not”. It is then revealed that Mr. Freeze is her new cellmate and he is going to make her life a living hell for what she did to him. He finally finishes off by saying for her to prepare for a bitter harvest as winter has come at last.

About Damn Time

But there is still this one thing about the future of Batgirl. Bruce wants Barbara to go back to school, but Robin is like “Come on” and Bruce relents to letting her on the team and we end the film with the three running towards the camera.

And like I hinted earlier, this film completely bombed at the box office and originally, the filmmakers were blaming “yellow journalism” like Harry Knowles from Aint It Cool News. Eventually, Warner Bros. admitted it failed in the states, but succeeded overseas. However because of the failure of Batman & Robin in what some critics call the Dark Ages of Summer Films, where in a period between 1996 to 2000, people just expected summer blockbusters to suck, it ultimately caused them to cancel the planned sequel to this film called Batman Triumphant as none of the actors were willing to return since they were embarrassed by the final product. In fact, the only idea that was kept from that planned film in the reboot Batman Begins, was the idea of Scarecrow being a villain.

As I mentioned in Batman Forever, the career of Joel Schumacher was never the same and he has not been consistent with films these days. Chris O’Donnell as I also mentioned from last time, too a hiatus from big movies due to his embarrassment from the film. This film and Excess Baggage proved that Alicia Silverstone was no box office success story and more box office poison so now she is doing smaller films, along with being an animal rights and environmental activist. Both Pat Hingle and Michael Gough (like in Batman Forever) are sadly no longer with us. They are sadly joined in this list of actors from this film no longer with us by Jeep Swenson (who played Bane and died of a heart attack two months after the film was released) and John Ingle (who played the doctor in the scene with Alfred’s diagnosis of McGregor’s Syndrome Stage 1 and died of cancer in 2012). Both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura both became governors of California and Minnesota with Ventura now being a nut and Arnold going back to starring in movies. Uma Thurman is still also starring in movies, showing that her role as Poison Ivy and as Emma Peel in the Avengers were mostly just aberrations, but still seen as only good when given good material. And finally in a bit of a strange twist, George Clooney’s star power since Batman & Robin is enormous and George even won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for Syriana. This film is basically like an annoying bug bite to Clooney’s acting career.

Now for the final thoughts of this film and yeah…this film is basically everything bad about big budget summer blockbusters (stunt casting, cheesy dialogue, product placement, completely half assing the source material, completely dated CGI, a terrible script and basically taking no chances) all mixed into one stock pile of pure garbage. As I showed, if you played the game I did with the cold puns, I could buy two McDonald’s Big Mac value meals and maybe still have some money left over to get something small. I didn’t even try with the plant puns because that isn’t really picked on although trust me, there are way more plant puns than cold puns. The only positive with these two films is these films have made appreciate Michael Gough more as Alfred than I did before inducting these two lame Batman films. Bottom line is eventually you can’t just survive on name alone and sooner or later (I’m looking at you Transformers franchise), you are going to slip up and get to cocky….and it will be a glorious box office flop when it happens.

Well, it is the beginning of the summer that was decided by the Fantasy Football bet and since Team Monster Crap did better than anyone else, it was a summer for the fans to decide. So both NegaSeth and myself had to come to an agreement that most of the films voted on will be films I own, but we would put requests in there. So NegaSeth, what is the first film decided.

Well, it seems we are inducting a film that while it still sucks, it probably would make more money in today’s theatrical trends of now with them sending more cartoon characters in the real world since they make money like The Smurfs and Alvin & The Chipmunks. However, in 2000, this was a bad idea and this film flopped because of it, along with being terrible. So prepare yourself to deal with Pottsylvania’s weapon against the viewer as you will be watching.