Saturday, September 26, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: The Beast Of Yucca Flats (1961)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Beast of Yucca Flats
I Do Not Dig This Movie…….YUCCA!!!!!

Folks, after the last movie, I really thought about quitting Monster Crap because of the pain I saw in Monster A Go-Go. But that was until I saw the Beast of Yucca Flats. This movie was in fact so crappy, it was funny. The Beast of Yucca Flats is from a director for who the people at MST3K know all to well as bad. His name is Coleman Francis and his movies have been very bad, according to MST3K.

The movie’s plot is a very simple and it is a time old traditional storyline exposing what might be the effects of nuclear weapons. We have seen this storyline done in very successful fashion by Godzilla, The Beast of 20,000 Fathoms, among others. However, the plot and the acting in this movie are extremely bad.

The lead actor in this film is Tor Johnson (who may very well be the first professional wrestler to become an actor) and he is quite infamous for being in bad films like....

What Supposedly Is One Of The Worst Movies Of All Time

Yeah, this Tor Johnson fellow isn't very good at acting

But don’t take my word for it. Let’s review this movie.

When she is officially dead, the clock stops. Hmmm…..I wonder if the Grim Reaper was in the room.

The Monster That Hides In This Woman's Closet

This scene is followed by very bad narration that will repeat in this movie the whole time. You should note that the narration in this film is done by Coleman Francis himself. Now, while I admit he has a very good voice for narration, he is an awful director and writer. Let me show you several one liners from the narrator you will hear later on in the movie.

A man runs, someone shoots at him
- Narrator

Flag on the moon. How did it get there?
- Narrator

Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers.
- Narrartor

Always on the prowl. Looking for something or somebody to kill. Quench the killer's thirst.
- Narrator

Boys from the city. Not yet caught by the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs.
- Narrator

Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast.
- Narrator

Twenty hours without rest and still no enemy. In the blistering desert heat, Jim and Joe plan their next attack. Find the Beast and kill him. Kill, or be killed. Man's inhumanity to man.
- Narrator

Anyways, while this narration is going on, we are introduced to Dr. Joseph Javorsky, a Soviet scientist who wants to leave the Iron Curtain. He flies off to Yucca Flats to meet with US scientists to reveal the Soviet’s plans. The US scientists are in Yucca Flats to do an atomic bomb test in the desert. Joseph Javorsky I must add looks like a very fat Verne Gagne

Watch Out Or I Will Become The Beast
His plans to meet with US scientists are foiled when two KGB agents follow him to American and attempt to take his life, along with taking the briefcase revealing Soviet plans. This chase goes on for several minutes before the atomic bomb blows up, killing the two KGB agents and turning Javorsky into the Beast.

On the road, we see a car has broken down with a young couple. The young man decides to check out his car. While he is inspecting his car, he is strangled by the Beast. We then see the Beast strangle the young attractive woman while in the back seat. Might I add that he got into the backseat somehow? You don’t hear the door open and if that happened, she certainly would have heard it open. Also, you would expect someone with that kind of weight (no offense Tor), the woman would definately feel the car move a bit. But she doesn’t and she is dead. It looks like the Beast is going to steal the car, but decides instead to take the dead woman with him instead.

Now I can only surmise one very good reason for this and that is he is about to commit the act of necrophilia (having sex with a dead person). What’s that…..Vince McMahon has something to say again? Okay, I’ll listen.
What's Wrong With Necrophilia??
Once again Vince, everything is wrong with it. Everything. The body of the dead man is discovered by a nearby police officer who goes and tells his partner about the evil. His partner decides to check it out, he also finds a purse so that means either there must have been a woman in the car or that the man was about to get a sex change operation. He believes it must be option A so he gets his partner to go with him so they can find her. The narrator in this movie just now mentions that one of the police officers is a former parachute soldier from the Korean War.

Nearby at a gas station, we see another couple (this time an older couple with two kids). The kids decide to grab a soda pop. They go and feed some pigs while also seeing a coyote. I see those things all the time, what else is new. Anyways, they tell their mom, who shows her accent from god knows where by calling it a “Kayot”. They get back in the car, and don’t get far when their tire goes flat. The police duo take a while climbing the mountains, but they finally do. Thankfully, they are just in time to chase off the Beast, which will stop him from completely his devious action. They find the woman and say the following line and I kid you not that he said this.

Well, doctors can't help her. Maybe angels, but not doctors
- Policeman

While the parents are fixing the car, the kids decide to take off for the desert. The parents notice and try to look for the kids. Might I add that the wife looks like the Fabulous Moolah with glasses? She sends the husband to go after them. Meanwhile, the former parachute soldier decides to go on a plane so he can jump onto a tall mountain. He is told by his partner to shoot first and ask questions later.

The Beast sees the kids and stalks them. Oh and might I add we get interesting butt shots. Somehow, I think we are getting into some weird fetish from someone. The Beast chases the kids into the cave and chases them outside the cave. Meanwhile the former parachute soldier mistakes the father of the two boys, who is looking for them, as the Beast and starts shooting at him. The father falls as the former parachute soldier gets out of the plane and lands safely on the mountain. The father survives and runs off to find nearby neighbors to help him with the search.
The Beast is chasing the kids until he is shot by the former parachute soldier. The former parachute soldier is met by his partner and they decide to check on the body. The Beast however is not dead and attacks the two police officers.

He then proceeds to attempt to strangle the former parachute soldier with a resthold.

Stop Smiling, Randy Orton

The Beast finally lets him go after the parachute soldier’s partner shoots him. The kids reunite with their mom and we never know what happens to the father (hopefully he gets back). A rabbit (seen many of those as well in Virginia) comes towards the body of the Beast. The Beast grabs him and falls dead finally, thus giving the rabbit more time to eat him or around him and thus ending this movie.

Well, this movie is horrible and it is crap. But it is so bad it’s funny instead of being so bad it’s depressing. The Narrators’s one liners are bad. The acting and plot is beyond ridiculous. But the plot is very slow that it seems like they were just trying to reach the length of an actual film. While this creates more money, it also wastes time with nothing going on. Also, the dialogue is just average and there is no detail into the characters. Also, I have to ask about the town of Yucca Flats as none of the town’s landscape is flat so we reach an irony here. And in most cases…..Irony is bad.

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