Sunday, January 31, 2021

Top 25 Favorite Movies Of 2020

Fuck 2020. 

Between the massive celebrity deaths (Kobe Bryant, Terry Jones, Rocky Johnson, Neil Peart, Kirk Douglas, Kenny Rogers, Max Von Sydow, James Lipton, Stuart Whitman, Stuart Gordon, Honor Blackman, Bill Withers, Adam Schlesinger, Little Richard, Brian Dennehy, Fred Willard, Jerry Stiller, Roy Horn, Shad Gaspard, Jerry Sloan, Joel Schumacher, Sir Ian Holm, Carl Reiner, Kelly Preston, Charlie Daniels, Ennio Morricone, John Lewis, Chadwick Boseman, John Saxon, Wilford Brimley, Dame Diana Rigg, Gale Sayers, Sean Connery, Eddie Van Halen, Conchata Ferrell, Johnny Nash,Whitey Ford, Diego Maradona, David Prowse, Jeremy Bulloch, Sean Connery, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Chuck Yeager, Tommy Lister Jr., John Huber aka Brodie Lee, among so many others), the locusts in South Africa, Republicans showing their true colors so many times (yellow), the death of George Floyd and the aftermath protests, an election between two 70 year old men for president, the president not conceding and making the most baseless accusations of voter fraud, and oh yeah, we are still in a goddamn pandemic because idiots won't wear masks and social distance. 

And unfortunately, the movies in 2020 were mostly bad so I had a harder time choosing the worse than the best. And boy did I watch alot with 277 movies seen.

But with that year ending and 2021 already having problems too, let's talk about the best and worst movies of 2020 that I saw and first it is the best.

By the way, there will be no list of best and worst movies for 2021 because considering all that has happened, I dont feel like ranking movies this year. 

But first let's get to the films that I DID NOT see at the time I had my cut off date to end this list just in case anyone loses their minds that they didnt make the list or honorable mentions. 

* Miss Juneteenth
* His House
* Welcome To Chechnya
* House Of Hummingbird
* Saint Francis
* Portrait Of A Lady On Fire
* One Night In Miami
* Nomadland
* Lovers Rock
* I'm Thinking Of Ending Things
* Time
* Martin Eden
* Minari
* Promising Young Woman
* Kajillionaire 
* Collective
* Vitalina Verela
* The Nest
* The Sound Of Metal
* The Trial Of The Chicago 7
* The Whistlers
* Ammonite
* News Of The World
* Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets
* Another Round
* Mangrove
* Fourteen
* The Vast Of Night
* Sorry We Missed You
* She Dies Tomorrow
* Undine
* On The Rocks
* The Young Ahmed
* Let Them All Talk

There are others of course, but now it is time for the films I have seen that are supposedly great, but they werent good enough for me. 

* Never Rarely Sometimes Always
* Ma Rainey's Black Bottom
* Extra Ordinary
* Anything For Jackson
* La Llarona (not the one from last year)
* First Cow
* Beanpole
* Mank
* The Assistant 
* The Invisible Man
* Possessor
* Shirley
* Borat Subsequent Moviefilm
* Emma
* Tenet

Now here are the five honorable mentions that just didnt make the list. (Oh yeah and there is another one that isn't on here because of rules on myself, but I'll get to that later). 

Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn)

Driveways

Greenland

VFW

Why Don't You Just Die

Now for The Top 25 and later an extra honorable mention that I will explain why it isn't on the list. 


25. Over The Moon
We start off this list with a Chinese animated film from the guys who did the mediocre Abominable animated film. A girl loses her mother and based on stories she heard as a kid, she decides to go to the moon to hopefully get her old life back since her dad is kinda in love with a new woman who has a son of her own (who snuck on the trip). She gets to the moon with meager means (it's a kid's movie, go with it) and she meets the goddess of the moon (who is played very well by Phillipa Soo aka Eliza Hamilton in the Hamilton musical). After that, all sorts of hijinks ensue and some of it involving a character voiced by Dr. Ken Jeong (who surprisingly wasnt as annoying as he usually was). The artwork was very beautiful and the songs were mostly great (although they didnt have the one song that blows you away like better animated musical Disney films). 

24. The Cleansing Hour
I had my doubts of this film as being just another generic exorcism film because every year, you see so many horror films that deal with possession and many of them are extremely boring and don't add anything interesting. However this film (which is a full feature adaptation of the director's short film) shows what would happen if a fake exorcist who runs a fake show purporting to show him real exorcisms, happens to have one of his possessed actresses, actually get possessed by a real demon (identity of the demon would spoil the reveal). It's actually a very good film with great effects and the acting of these mostly despicable characters is pretty good. I suggest you give this one a watch if you have a Shudder account since it is a Shudder exclusive. 

23 The Secret Garden
I watched this movie with my mom since she and I have both red the kid's book. This film (that was released in the UK last year, but released this year in the US) has very beautiful colors that keeps the movie alive in vibrant during the Secret Garden scenes and moody and dark during the scenes in the house that was supposed to be a prison for the little girl and little boy. The actors and actresses did a very good job with the material and I should know since I read the book. I guess I'm always nostalgic about something from the past, especially if it is done well. 

22. Blood Quantum
A zombie movie with a unique twist of First Nations people (Canadian Native Americans) being immune to the disease. You get racism (an easy thing to happen with the shoe being on the other foot as far as power goes), envy of position with the tribe, natives having drug issues (an issue surprisingly not talked about despite being prevalent in many Native American reservations), and reservations or in this movie's case, bases for survivors' own laws. The gore is great and Shudder again gives us a great film that of course has a title of a very controversial thing done to the First Nations people.  

21. Bacurau
This is a weird film that deals with a South American village that is really getting shat on by the politicians and an election is coming up for one of those politicians and his idea for stopping these people from actually voting him out is to hire a bunch of European human hunters (in this film, they exist and most of them have never killed humans so they are being led by their instructor played by Udo Keir. The battle between these villagers and hunters is a very fun conflict and once again the gore is great. Watch this and enjoy a fun version of The Most Dangerous Game type of film. 

20. Love And Monsters
The movie is exactly what the title hypes up as there is a love story amid a monster invasion. The love story being lovers who are separated by the monster invasion and are in different bunkers. In fact, it is that love that causes our main character to decide to leave his bunker and venture into the land that has been overrun with monsters. Along the way, he meets a dog and a father-daughter team (although they aren't really father and daughter and all of them are characters you enjoy being with along this journey and are sad when they separate from the main character. There are also some assholes taking advantage of the situation and monsters that are great and creative CGI. I would watch this if you are into a monster movie with a little bit more than most monster movies. 

19. Time To Hunt
One of the things you will notice that especially this year where theaters are closed that many of the streaming services stepped up to the plate to replace the films in theaters with some great homes that you can stream at your home. You can credit Netflix for getting this film to the general public. This film is set in a dystopian South Korea and has a group of friends who plan a heist and of course, that heist goes wrong and they end up being hunted by a extremely terrifying hitman that will not stop until they are all dead. Honestly, I'm surprised this only has a 69% on Rotten Tomatoes as you eventually do care for these friends who start out as just your average rambunctious youths, but along the way, you like them and definitely want them to live as they are being hunted by this brutal assassin who anytime he appears on screen, he intimidates everyone in the room and not just because of his kills. 

18. Guns Akimbo
How do you make a internet troll who is getting exactly his just desserts to be sympathetic? Well, nail two guns to his hands and have him be part of a pirate reality series where the subject is hunted by assassins, run by complete scumbags. But Daniel Radcliffe isn't alone in being good in this film as we have Samara Weaving (who had a hell of a 2020 with this and another film on this list) as an awesome assassin that has a personality that you can't help but love and Natasha Liu Bordizzo as the ex-girlfriend of Daniel Radcliffe's character who is sadly thrust into this nightmare because her ex tries to get her to help him. Guns Akimbo is a crazy ride that delivers what it promises, which is lots of gun play and lots of awesome characters. 

17. The Swerve
This film is completely disturbing and in a good way at that. Let's just say this woman battling insomnia is the least of her problems. She has what looks like a perfect family, but oh hell no is it not perfect. She is a teacher and because of all the chaos going on (including thinking that her husband is cheating on her), she decides to fuck one of the students that has a huge crush on her and you are definitely supposed to be disgusted by her doing this. She also has a strained relationship with her son and....that doesnt have a happy ending. Azura Sky has come a long way from being a bit part in that terrible One Missed Call remake and I definitely would like to see her in more films like this. This is not your average horror film so just know that before going in and while I can't say you will have a good time since the subject matter is very fucked up, you will appreciate the film. 

16. Bill & Ted Face The Music
Wyld Stallion is back and they are older guys with kids of their own who despite the end of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, has not yet created the song that will unite the world. In fact, they have fallen on not so good times with trying to create that prophesized song. They also have two daughters and while Samara Weaving (told you she would be back) is good as Bill's daughter. the actress playing Ted's daughter definitely feels like she is a female clone of Ted making her perfect for the part. Of course we could not get George Carlin to come back (but we did get a nice hologram of him as tribute). But we do get other blasts from the past like William Sadler as Death (probably one of the only enjoyable parts of the lackluster Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey). We also go back to taking famous people from their time to create special music that will unite the world and most of them do well in their roles. Again, nostalgia is strong and Bill & Ted Face The Music definitely hits all the rights spots in that regard. 

15. A Whisker Away
International animation was huge in 2020 and sadly in the Top 25, this was the lowest of them. A film that deals with a girl who is in love with a boy, but since she gets rejected plenty of times, she instead pretends to be a cat who the boy likes thanks to a magic mask she got from a dealer. She of course keeps using the mask to keep being a cat for the nights and at some point, she loses her human mask and the mask dealer she got the cat mask from is not exactly a nice dealer indeed as he wants her to stay a cat so he can take her soul. It is only thanks to the boy she likes, the cat that bought her human mask, and other characters that she gets through this ordeal. A bit like Majora's Mask and a bit like The Cat Returns, I recommend this film if you are a fan of unique anime. 

14. The Gentlemen
Ah, finally.....a film that was actually in theaters before all the COVID shit happened makes this list. After several films where Guy Ritchie tried something different and failed, Guy finally goes back to the English Gangster genre that he has been so renowned before and....he proves he hasn't lost his touch in this genre. And this film is all about the marijuana trade. With great performances from Matthew McConaughey, Charlie Hunnam, Henry Golding, Michelle Dockery, Jeremy Strong, Collin Farrell, and Hugh Grant, we get to see the nasty world of the illegal marijuana trade (which is funny as several places are making the drug legal now which may be pushing out these drug dealers). Lots of British accents and lots of violence make us remember why we liked Guy Ritchie in this genre to begin with. 

13. Freaky
Blumhouse continues to be a strange studio as while many times, their films are terrible (trust me, they'll make appearances in my "Worst Of" list), they somehow make a movie that is somehow able to be on my Favorites list and that is what we get with my favorite horror film of the year in Freaky. Here, we get a slasher film mixed with Freaky Friday as serial killer Vince Vaughn and outsider teen Kathryn Newton switch bodies thanks to a dagger the killer stole from a house he killed everyone in. Both Vince and Kathryn are seemless as they transition between teenager mode and serial killer mode. And of course, there is a great supporting cast of lesser known actors (and actresses) that make me laugh as well like my favorite line in which the obviously gay character tries to explain to his mom why there is a girl bound and gagged in the house and his best answer is saying that he is straight, a revelation his mom completely laughs off as she and everyone else know he is gay. I just want to have fun with my horror (and sometimes get scared) and Freaky definitely delivers. 

12. Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey
Let me be honest, it really is hard for a Christmas movie to be on my Best Of list since you've seen so much stuff done with the genre. And it doesnt get any easier with Netflix, who makes so many Christmas films (many of them trashy romantic comedies) that a good one may be missed because of all the crap they made. In fact, I almost missed this one as the big anticipated Christmas film was Christmas Chronicles 2 (as I did enjoy the first one), but thanks to my mom and us just trying to find something to watch that was a Christmas film and we sort of landed on this as hey, it has Forrest Whittaker and Keegan-Michael Key so maybe we'll get something. What we got was more than I asked the pop-up book style setting, the songs, and the great effects make this film one I can easily see myself watching every Christmas season. The film, about a girl who visits her granddad, a down on his luck toymaker and they have to give the granddad the spark to be the great toymaker he once was as they have to deal with a thieving former apprentice who became a successful toymaker of his own and the toy that corrupted this toymaker. If you havent seen it yet, I recommend you do....but please make sure it is between the Thanksgiving and Christmas season as you will get the full effect of how great this journey truly is. 

11. Vivarium
Good Sci-Fi has been really hard to find as far as new ones go as many Sci-Fi films feel they need to be near or past 2 hour long epics that ultimately make the film boring and a complete chore to sit through (you'll see plenty of those in my worst of the year as well). But Vivarium here is a crisp 97 minutes and never gets boring (although you might get annoyed by the villain (even though his annoyance and the frustration with him is all planned)). Imogen Potts and Jesse Eisenberg play a engaged couple who want to find a place to live so they can be together and make the planned family they always wanted. That all gets completely put on its head as the suspiciously nice realtor drives them to a place that ultimately traps them in this strange place that looks like a suburb (but is really an alternate dimension) where they are forced to raise a child who is mailed to them and all the while this terrible child is emotionally killing them. You definitely see early on that this is to mimic the parasitic nature of the cuckoo birds (yeah, the same birds that are portrayed as being in some clocks and are noisy things). It is definitely one of those films that deserves to be studied. 

10. Come As You Are
This may be a remake of a Belgian film, but this film definitely deserves to be #10. Basically, a trio of people who are forced to not go far as they have physical handicaps and that includes them not being able to get laid like most men want to do. So when they hear of this brothel that is equipped to personally have a clientele of the disabled, they all jump at the chance to get an Uber and find a way to get there so they can get laid. It's a road trip movie that you find lots of joy in as two of the three characters are completely not assholes and the asshole among the group does grow up as the film goes along. They of course have their Uber driver who is a woman and one of them falls for her (basically not really needing to get laid at the brothel). There are issues with each of the trios' parents as they are all very overprotective of their kids and understandably worried about their health in being able to make this trip. This is a very heart warming film that I would definitely recommend watching, especially if you are someone who is disabled because it shows you can do things you normally think you wouldn't be able to do. 

9. Weathering With You
Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you here. Animation was definitely going to be a huge presence in this Top 10 as 7 of the 10 films in that list are all animated movies. This is the film made by the director of the much beloved Your Name from a few years ago and while this film is not even close to as good as Your Name, this film is definitely worth watching. About a boy who runs away from his trouble home life and while he is living his new life, he finds and falls for a girl who may be able to control the rain weather. Of course, the boy's past life comes butting in as people are looking for him since his family put out a missing person report on him. This film made me have hope for 2020, but we saw how bad that turned out. 


8. Superman: Red Son
Holy crap, the DC animated films delivered one of its best films ever with Superman: Red Son. Of course, this is the film based on the hit comic series that asks "What would happen if Superman as a baby landed in the USSR instead of Kansas?" This film deals with how Superman can have the ideas given to him by communism over capitalism, but see the true corruption of their leaders to the point that he decides that if their leaders aren't going to do what's best for the people, then he will and you can bet your ass that he will get it done. There are alternate births of other superheroes and villains and they are all great. But what really makes this film as good as it is, is the voice acting that makes the stuff that is going on more impactful as you can feel their emotions with what is going on. If you have been tired of the past DC animated movies, which I can see you being with some of the films (one of which definitely made of worst of the year one year), I suggest you ignore all that and watch Superman: Red Son. It's also made by the same guy who made Justice League: Gods and Monsters (a film I do really like) so he is definitely able to make alternate universes work just as well as the regular ones. 

7. Soul
You can almost always count on a Pixar film being in the Top 10 because that studio knows what the hell they are doing when it comes to making emotionally impactful movies. Although Pixar had a disappointing, but still good earlier in the year in Onward, but they definitely delivered with the much later Soul, which almost didnt get released because of COVID-19, but thankfully...Disney decided to release it on their streaming service, but unlike the much criticized Mulan remake, they made it available for free (although I could definitely see more people paying $30 for a more sure thing like Soul than the much divisive Disney remakes like the Mulan film). The plot is this aspiring jazz musician gets a big gig and of course as luck would have it, he dies. Then he basically has to find a way to get back to the land of the living while being tasked to mentor a pre-spirit to want to live in the human world. There it is a journey about what you may think is going to make your life whole vs what really will make your life whole as there is quite a difference between the two. Pixar may continue to be great, but it really should tell you how great animation was that this was #7. 

6. Marona's Fantastic Tale
You may usually find American, Japanese, or maybe the rare UK animated film (see later on the list) on many best of the year lists, but how about a French animated film. That is definitely what we get with Marona's Fantastic Tale, a story about a dog who has had several owners (each with their own experiences). Despite the title, it is not exactly a happy tale, but the animation sometimes makes you forget that you are watching something that is easily going to make you cry. The director of this film is an experimental director and it definitely shows as this film is more about the themes of being loved and the animation shows that. Apparently, her next film will be another animated film called The Island that is also a musical so I will be interested when that film comes out. 

5. My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising
This was a film I saw with my friend who loves anime, but has never seen the My Hero Academia anime show so I was a bit concerned that he may not know the characters of the anime or understand what was going on. Thankfully, this anime movie did what a movie based that is part of events in a TV series, make newcomers engaged in the action and giving them brief snippets of the characters bio while rewarding those who watched the show with cameos and passing references to past events. This movie about our heroes having to do a bodyguard mission in which they protect two children from a trio of villains who are looking to use the children's powers for their own nefarious purposes. Pretty simple, but the action in the movie makes all of it worth it. The heroes are great and the villains are great as well. If you are a fan of My Hero Academia, I definitely recommend watching this film. 

4. A Shaun The Sheep Movie: Farmageddon
I'm sure this sounds like the silliest title for you on this list and if I heard it for the first time myself, I would laugh. But let's just say that this was my #1 favorite film for the year before the eventual #1 film dethroned it and two other films passed it as well to make it #4 instead. I know Shaun The Sheep was a very fun kids show back in the day and made a very fun first movie. But I can tell you without hyperbole that A Shaun The Sheep Movie: Farmageddon (a movie about an alien landing on the farm and having to be helped by the sheep avoid detection by the evil government agents who are looking for the creature and get back home, all the while the farmer is trying to exploit the whole thing just so he can get a new combine harvester) is better than the first film. And with barely any words spoken (one was spoken near the end) and most of the characters just making noises, the movie has more heart than many movies have that have dialogue to flesh out their characters. This is definitely a film I would recommend watching and one you can watch on Netflix right now. 

3. Palm Springs
The last 3 movies (four if you count the big honorable mention) are all on different streaming services at this time so you may have to spend some money to see all of them at this time. #3 here is Palm Springs, a movie you can see only on Hulu. Andy Samberg, Cristin Milioti, and JK Simmons are all great in this movie that uses the Groundhog's Day movie idea and asks itself "Say, what if the guy who is having to repeat the same day accidentally gets other people caught up in this nightmare where one of them is a woman he is in love with and the other is a guy who now wants to kill him for putting him through this hell?" A lot of gags are done and many of them land perfectly, with heart put in the films where you love and hate characters at any given time. Palm Springs is a film that definitely is worth a Hulu subscription (which we ended because money was getting tight and that subscription of it Live was costing plenty of money). 

2. Wolfwalkers
This movie, the final in a Irish folklore trilogy from great animator Tomm Moore (all of which are fucking awesome films in their own way, is definitely the only reason to get a 30 day trial from Apple TV+. If both Secret of the Kells and Song of the Sea get nominated for Best Animated Feature, then Wolfwalkers (a film about the daughter of a wolf hunter and a girl who can turn into a wolf via sleeping who is searching for her mother wolf) definitely deserves to be nominated for an Academy Award as well and in my opinion, should win that award. This was the last movie I watched in 2020 and quite honestly, I am glad I stopped here before a shitty film could instead paint 2020 worse. Even though a certain historical figure didnt die as this film said he did, we are at a point where that is not really an issue these days. If you have not seen this film, I'm gonna need you to stop what you are doing and watch this movie as this is the best of animation in 2020. 

Now for the honorable mention that would be in this Top 5, but since it is a recorded version of a play so like many of those Madea plays that never make my worst of lists at all, I cannot count this one in my Best Of list. But I can give it this huge honorable mention. 

Special Honorable Mention: Hamilton
This is the only film I have seen multiple times and honestly, there are many reasons to get a Disney+ subscription with this recorded play from the original Broadway run is just another one that you can add for reasons to get a Disney+ subscription. Everyone is great in this play and all the music is awesome too. In fact, I have seen the play at the Kennedy Center (with not the original cast) and if I can say a negative, it's that the steps that you hear while watching the actual play (which have impact) are non-existent. This is a play that you definitely need to see on the stage and definitely need to see this recorded version as this truly is a play that has transformed every singing talent on the play into sought after stars. My favorite part as always when King George III showed up and you could always love his cockiness as you know that it isnt going to work out for him. Watch and enjoy.

Now for the actual #1 film and this one became #1 in June......and fucking stayed there. 

1. Da 5 Bloods
Spike Lee's Vietnam film definitely was worth watching and continues to show that Netflix is still mostly the best streaming service out there with original content. Delroy Lindo deserves an Academy Award for Best Actor considering how well he freaking acted (and he better be nominated, dammit). Some of you may have liked Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, but his short appearance but powerful appearance in this film is how I wish to remember Chadwick Boseman. Watching what is supposed to Vietnam go from past to present is great and the gore for this Vietnam film was excellent. I'm glad to see Spike Lee back with this and BlacKKKlansman two years ago as watching him do that damn Old Boy remake was downright heartbreaking. Hell, you wanted to see all these guys make it (except for Delroy Lindo's insane character (who you only wanted to live so you could see more or him)), but like many things in 2020, you really don't get that and it's truly tragic when their time to die comes.  Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you that most of this movie is about a goddamn treasure hunt, but the acting, effects, cinematography, and even the changing of people to look younger (which at times was bad, but was mostly unnoticeable) all make for a great ride. Da 5 Bloods was the best film of 2020 for me and it wasnt easy to keep with how well Wolfwalkers was. Streaming services definitely delivered in 2020, which was very needed since movie theaters are mostly closed thanks to COVID-19. 

And that is all for my best of the year list and in a few days (barring any more bullshit happening), you will be seeing my Worst of 2020 (which seems more fitting of this year). 

Thursday, January 28, 2021

RIP Cloris Leachman

1926-2021

It is sad to hear that Cloris Leachman has passed away of natural causes even though she lived a LONG life at 94 years. Many will remember her for being Frau Blucher in "Young Frankenstein" and Ruth Popper in "The Last Picture Show" (which she won a Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress), but we here at Monster Crap will remember her for her role in The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure. 

She was Dottie Rounder. 

She will be missed. 

RIP James "Jim" G. Hughes Sr.

1960-2021

This is going to be a very hard one to write. Not just because this was my dad, but because I am still recovering from the same disease that sadly took his life (I have tested negative so I am good now). 

On December 26, my dad sat me and my friend (who lives with us) and told us that he tested positive for COVID-19 and made us get tested. That time we tested negative, but on December 30, 2020....my father had to call 911 and was taken to the hospital. After that, he seemed fine, but eventually, things went for the worst. Eventually, we were having to talk about whether to let Dad go to a room so he will be comfortable as he passes away. 

Along the same time, I got a cough of my own and sadly it was a combination of COVID-19 and pneumonia (which I sadly infected my mom and friend with). On January 16, I had to head to the hospital myself since my blood oxygen level was staggering low. Then on 1-2 AM on January 18 (my birthday), I got a phone call from my brother that said my dad died in his sleep a few hours before on January 17. 

This truly does suck as I was living with my dad (and my friend) and he was paying a lot of the bills. The future of Monster Crap is very much in the air. Anyway, I loved my dad a lot and it truly sucked when my mom and him separated (several years ago, never officially divorced). 

My dad was there for a lot of hard times like when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis or when I had to deal with the hell of getting Social Security Insurance from the state of Virginia. The photo you see is me and my dad at a Carolina Panthers game (Carolina beat Washington in that game). For 30 years, I was spared mostly from the sorrow of having to deal with the death of loved ones (only my uncle died of a brain tumor, but he and my aunt were separated and she had a new boyfriend), now 7 years afterwards, I lost another uncle (who was the youngest sibling on my mom's side), both my grandfathers, and now my dad. 

He is of course survived by my mom, me and my brother, and my brother's wife and two sons. He will be greatly missed. 

Thursday, January 14, 2021

RIP Julie Strain


1962-2021

Sad to say that yesterday, B-Movie Queen Julie Strain has passed away after a long battle with dementia at the age of 58. While many may remember her from Penthouse, Heavy Metal 2000, and many softcore films, we here at Monster Crap will remember her for her appearance in How To Make A Monster.

As Herself, Of Course.

She will be missed. 

Saturday, January 9, 2021

2020 GINO Award Nominee Poll

With 2020 thankfully over (NegaSeth enjoyed every bit of 2020), it is time for me to do the poll to determine which movie involving a monster was the worst by a majority of you, which gets the trusty GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) Award. And with how bad 2020 was (trust me, I'll get more into the year later), it seems only fitting that we have TWENTY nominees for you to decide and trust me, I wanted 22, but 2 films were liked enough to avoid the hammer (even though I despised them myself). So here are the 20 (like the year of this shithole) nominees. 

Deadly Legend
No Worthy Time Will Be Spared With A Movie That Makes No Damn Sense And Has A Million Turns. That Doesnt Even Get Into The Efforts Of Corbin Bernsen, Judd Hirsch, & Lori Petty, Who Are Completely Wasted. Oh And Apparently There Is A Stonehenge In America, And It Is Also Filled With Pagan BS. 

Artemis Fowl
The Coronavirus And The Numerous Shutdowns Have Caused Several Movies To Be Released On A Streaming Service Instead Of Your Theaters. One Of Those Movies Is A Movie Based On A Popular British Book Series That Would Turn Out To Be A Complete Betrayal Of The Books They Are About Because Even Disney Didnt Know How To Make A Good Film Out Of A Character Who Is A Bad Guy Despite Being The Protagonist.

Bigfoot vs. The Illuminati
This Film....This Animated Film Is Probably One Of The Cheapest Pieces Of Garbage I Have Ever Seen. Many Scenes Have Characters Lip Flaps Not Match Watch They Say And That Make Sense Since MANY SCENES Are Just Earlier Scenes Repeated, But With New Dialogue. You Also Get Bigfoot Not Even Able To Close His Mouth All The Way As He Fights Aliens That They Only Once Say Are The Illuminati And Then Calling Them Something Else. There Is A Lot More Bullshit And Don't You Dare Ask Me To Do Trump Vs. The Illuminati (Which From What I Saw) Was Basically This Film With Slightly Different Dialogue And Shithead Donald Trump Instead Of Bigfoot Because I'm Not Doing That One.

Bloodshot
Before Everything Closed Down, We Actually Still Got Some Trash In Theaters And This Movie That Tries To Get Vin Diesel Out Of His Fast & Furious Or Riddick Roles, Is Just The Last One Before Theaters Became A Dangerous Place To Go To And Many Closed Due To Very Many People Not Wanting To Get Sick. Once Again, Vin Diesel Does Not Have Much Range Outside Of Those Two Series And This Film Based On A Graphic Novel (With Some Laughable CGI) Shows That. Also The Villains Are Boring Too. 

Brahms: The Boy 2
A Movie With A Very Stupid Twist Decides In The Sequel To Retcon Things So That The Doll Was Also Evil. With Terrible CGI And Sleepwalking Acting From People Like Katie Holmes, Brahms: The Boy 2 Was A Complete Joke To Anyone Even After They Saw The First Trailer. This Film Is Better Left Buried Where No One Can Track It Down Again. 

Castle Freak remake
Oh, You Heard Me Right. They Remade Castle Freak And If You Think The Original Castle Freak Was Good, Well....You Better Stay With The Original Film. As You Know, This Is Based On A Story By Lovecraft. Well, From What I Saw, The Only Thing These Filmmakers Know About Lovecraft Is His Stuff With Cthulu And The Old Ones Because That Shit Is Crammed Into A Film Based On A Story That Had None. In Fact, There Are Very VERY Few Films That Gave Me A Completely Disgusted Reaction To Watching It And This Was One Of Those That I Needed A Shower Afterwards. 


Corona Zombies
Leave To Our Old Pal Charles Band To Strike Immediately When The Iron Is Hot And Exploit A Deadly Worldwide Pandemic As It Is Happening.....First With This Frankenfilm That Has Some New Footage Spliced In With Stock Footage Of Hell Of The Living Dead & Zombies Vs. Strippers With All New Terrible Dialogue Dubbed Over It. And The Best Part Is This Isn't Even The Worst Film Of The Year Involving The Two Full Moon Heroines Of Barbie And Kendrick As They Would Do A Sequel That Is Worse....But That Film Doesnt Have Zombies Really So That Will Only Be In The Worst Films Of 2020 List. But This Exploitation Garbage Of Real Life People's Lives Being Ruined.....That One Qualifies.

Dolittle
After The End Of Tony Stark In The Marvel Cinematic Universe, Many People Were Wondering What Robert Downey Jr. Would Do Next. Soon That Question Would Be Answered As He Would Become The Well Known Character Dr. Dolittle, Who Talks To The Animals. Unfortunately For Universal And Downey Jr., This Movie Extremely Underperformed And When You See The Film, You Can See The Horrible Result That Steered People Away From The Theaters Before COVID-19. Question: You Ever Wondered What Could Cause A Scottish Dragon To Be A Bit Irritated? Answer: You Really Don't Want To Know.

Elvis From Outer Space
This Is A Film That Answers The Age Old Question Of What Would Happen If Elvis Went To Outer Space Instead Of Died Of A Heart Attack While In The Toilet. Well, If You Believe This Film, Elvis Doesnt Give A Shit About Any Of His Actual Family (Including An Actual Wife And Daughter (And Grandkid Now)) And Wants To Go To Earth To See So Fake Woman Who Is His Daughter Out Of Wedlock. Oh And He Also Wants To Be A Part Of Some Vegas Elvis Impersonator Contest. Despite Being A Betrayal To Elvis, This Film Was Able To Get Some Of Elvis' Friends To Somehow Be Involved. 

Fantasy Island
Dammit Blumhouse....You Always Find A Way To Make Shit And Be On This Poll. This Time, You Decided To Take A Known TV Show From The Past (That Wasn't Horror By The Way) And Turn It Into A Horror Film With All The Charm Of The Original Show Gone, A Lackadaisical Explanation As To Why Things Are Happening (The Filmmakers Brought Back The Black Goo From Last Year's Black Christmas Shitfest), And Make One Of The Most Bullshit Bad Guy Reveals Of 2020 That Would Be Good....If You Had Not Watched Everything Leading Up To That Twist. 

Gretel & Hansel
Ah Another In The Endless Run Of Hansel & Gretel Movies That For Some Reason, Must Be Made, But This One Has The Twist Of It Having Gretel Be Ahead Of Hansel In The Title And Gretel Being More A Main Character Than Before. Sadly The Film Is Rather Tedious And It Seems That Almost Every Guy Wants To Get Into Gretel's Pants...Even Though She Is Extremely Underage. While The Backstory Of The Witch Is Interesting, Everything About The Film Decides That It Wants More Style And Girl Power More Than Substance And Pacing. 

Jiu Jitsu
Nicolas Cage, Tony Jaa, And An Alien Who Wants To Fight Or The World Ends....What More Could You Want? Well, A Better Lead Actor. A Better Comedy Relief, And Maybe Actual Jiu Jitsu. This Film Is An Attempt To Rip-off Predator And Mortal Kombat In A Stew Of Complete Crap. Despite Nic Cage And Tony Jaa Being The Two Faces Front And Center In The Poster, They Probably Only Have A Combined 20 Minutes In A 104 Minute Movie. Oh And Let's Not Forget That This Film Tries A Little Hardcore Henry At A Certain Point, But It Is So Haphazardly Cut Together That You Would Wonder If Kevin Dunn Cut The Film Together. 

Mulan remake
Oh You Knew This Was Coming. You Knew One Of These Days, Disney Was Going To Make One Of These Remakes That Was Going To Piss So Many People Off For Many Reasons Other Than "It Really Bastardizes The Original". Having A Thirty Dollar Pay Window To Also Go With The Money You Actually Spent For Your Disney Plus Because COVID-19 Said "Fuck Your Theater Experience"; Shooting Scenes In A Place Where Not To Far Way, The Evil Chinese Regime Is Holding Turkics; Having Your Lead Actor Be A Total Bitch About What China Is Doing To Hong Kong; No Dragon; And While Most Of The Cast Is Asian, The People Behind The Characters Were Mostly White. But That's Not Even Including The Actual Film Where Nothing Is Really Earned. 

Parts Unknown
Movies About Pro Wrestling Can Be Entertaining Or They Can Completely Suck. As You Can Imagine With It Being Here, This Movie Sucks... This Movie (Like Another Crap Film Ready To Rumble) Has A Terrible Time Separating Between Kayfabe And Shoot, But This Time In The Even Worse Business Of Ultra Hardcore Wrestling. The Only Wrestlers In This Movie Are A Manager Who Was A Murdered Jobber In The Beginning And Jake Roberts, Who Only Gives Us His Voice And Nothing More. Oh And This Movie Has Pointless Child Death So That Is A Huge No No For Me. 

The Grudge sidequel 
In 2020, Hollywood Decided Once Again To Bring Back That Grudge Franchise Out Of The Mothballs From Straight To DVD Hell (Which Is What The Third Film Suffered) And Tried Once Again To Pass This Off As The Best Of Hollywood Mainstream Horror. Now While I Would Wait Until I Get To Past Films Before Adding This One, This Is A Side Story So It Is Not In Complete Connection To The Main Grudge Story. Oh And Like Plenty Of Films That Want To Pretend To Be Artsy, This Film Is Done In A None Linear Manner. But Of Course, That Doesnt Stop The Film From Doing The Same Old Scares That Were Tired Even Back Then.

The New Mutants
Ladies And Gentleman, It Is The End Of Fox's Strangehold On The X-Men Franchise Because Fox Decided To Sell Their Film Studios To Disney. The Last Film Though Is This Very Drab Film That Even The Producers Knew Was Bad As They Delayed This Film For Years (Even Before The Whole Coronavirus Pandemic Made Delaying Your Movie More Acceptable). This Film Tries To Do The Unique Idea Of Being A Superhero Horror Film, But It Fails As It More Takes The Boring Parts Of Horror Films. The X-Men Franchise In Fox Deserved A Better Send Off, But Not Surprising Considering The Last Few Not Wolverine X-Men Films Have Been Huge Disasters. Oh And You Have Some Really Bad CGI And.......A Demon Bear.

The Turning
Read The Damn Book It Is Based On (The Turning Of The Screw) Instead. This Adaptation Is Lifeless And When You Can Even Get An F On The Very Favorable Site Known As CinemaScore, You Know You Have Completely Failed. Mackenzie Davis And Finn Wolfhard Are Both Wasted In This Boring Film. Oh And The Final Twist Is A Huge Dick Punch To Everything You Saw Beforehand, Just Like The Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. 

The Witches remake
Before Watching This Film That Was Relegated To HBO Max When Theaters Closed Due To The Pandemic, I Watched The Original The Witches From Nicolas Roeg And Oh Boy, That Was A Huge Mistake. This Remake Directed By A Normally Good Director In Robert Zemeckis As Well As A Great Cast In Octavia Spencer, Chris Rock, Stanley Tucci, And Anne Hathaway, Fails To Be As Good As The Original Despite Having An Ending That Roald Dahl Would Approve Of. It's Biggest Flaw Is Its Reliance On CGI Over Practical Effects, Which Makes The Moments You Are Supposed To Be Afraid More Laughable Than Scary. 

Unbelievable!!!!!
What The Hell Can I Say About This Film? So Many Star Trek Alumni And Snoop Dogg Are Wasted In This Film That Tries To Be A Trashy Fun Sci-Fi Movie And Goes Too Far For The Laughs That It Becomes Just Unfunny Trash. After I Saw This, Michael Madsen Joking Line While Being Annoyed With What Is Happening Fits It Perfectly In That He Is Going To Leave And Shoot Himself In The Face. A Movie That Took Four Years To Make Probably Should Have Stayed Buried Or At Least, It Should Have Stayed Far.....Away From My Radar. 

Underwater
Some People Enjoyed This Movie And Have It On Their "Best Of" Lists And To Be Honest, I Wish I Could Be One Of Those As Well As I Love The Genre Of Underwater Aliens Films Like The Abyss, Leviathan, Deep Star Six, And Others. Unfortunately, I Could Not Like This Film That Decided Instead Of Giving You Any Real Character Development, Just Throw You Straight Into The Deep End Immediately. Oh And By The Point This Film Was Released, TJ Miller Had More Than Been Revealed To Be A Piece Of Shit So Seeing Him In This Film Does Not Help Me Want To Like This Movie. Sorry, Kirsten Stewart, But This Film Was A Dud. 

Poll ends January 16 at 12 AM.