Saturday, June 24, 2017

Monster Crap Inductee: Flesh Gordon (1974)

Monster Crap Inductee: Flesh Gordon
Sadly, No Queen To Do An Awesome Theme Song


Flesh…A-ah…Savior Of The Pornoverse
Flesh...A-ah…he’ll fuck everyone of us

Dear God, stop it. You do not have the voice of Freddy Mercury so stop singing that nonsense in hopes of making some fake theme for this film.

You don’t have his voice either.

I know I’m not. If I was, I wouldn’t be stuck with you or NegaSeth and would be enjoying myself. Can I start the induction now?



Folks, we have a rare situation that may never happen again. We have a porno spoof that was done before a theatrical adaptation was done. No kidding, this porno spoof was released 6 years before the Flash Gordon film that we all know and love. So how is this a spoof, you ask? Well, there was a serial of this hero named Flash Gordon and before that, a radio drama, and even before that, there was a comic strip about the adventures of Flash Gordon.

The few things known is this film cost $470,000, which in the 70s is quite a bit of money, although the producer Bill Osco intended to hold out for a million dollars, but no one would bite. The film was cut down to 78 minutes to get an R rating in theaters, but afterwards they released it to its original cut of 90 minutes with as much porn as possible put back in (since plenty of it was lost and taken away by the LA police as the porn producers had some trouble with the law). This film also had some really good special effects artists and in fact, several of them have past Monster Crap Inductees on the resume.

We Have Oscar Winning Special Effects Wizard Rick Baker, Who Did Effects For Squirm, And The Incredible Melting Man

We Have Dave Allen, Who Did The Effects For Laserblast, Ghoulies 2, And Demonic Toys

We Have Jim Danworth (Credited As Mij Htrownad (His Name Spelled Backwards)) Who Did Effects For Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

We Also Have Greg Jein, Who Also Did Effects (Though Uncredited) For Laserblast

So already you can tell this was a very ambitious film, but this film also almost got sued….by Universal Studios

Universal Studios…My Old Enemy

Although in this case, Universal had a legit gripe since they did own the rights to Flash Gordon in the cinematic universe and the first act of the film was maybe too close to the first episode of the serial that Universal made to the point that it might be plagiarism. So when you see the intro that one of the directors Howard Zeihm saying that this is a parody and we respect the original source material, Universal made them put that in. Also there are three more things, but let’s save that for the film. Also in case you are ask about the cast, this was definitely a beginning of a career for most of the cast, except a few who did porn beforehand. Let’s just get to the film.

We first get a narration that tells us in no uncertain terms that yes, this is a porn parody and not meant in any way to steal from the original.

Yes, We Were Forced To Have This Opening By Universal Studios Because We Might Have Plagiarized Them.

We then get a newscaster saying that there is some serious perverted shit that is happening.

Yes, We Are A Porn Parody. Excuse Us For Not Getting A Real Radio Studio

Also Congress is in session, but no one has shown up (which might be a good thing or the custodians would have trouble cleaning up the Capitol more than the trouble that they already have to deal with) and the President has locked himself and the Vice President in the White House bathroom (I don’t think I want to know what is going on in the bathroom). The First Lady wants us to seek comfort in the bible.

No, Regan….Not In The Way You Are Thinking, Dammit!!!

There is a meeting of the top scientists and it is headed by Prof. Gordon

No, I Swear To God The Old Guy Is Not Flesh. This Prof. Gordon Is Flesh’s Dad. I Did Not Trick You Into A Movie Where Old People Have Sex.

Anyway, Professor Gordon says we are in deep trouble.

Then we have a newsboy on the corner saying our planet is being in peril by a sex madness.

 Basically some flashes come by and everybody starts getting horny, including the paper boy.

Yes This Is What The Rays Look Like.

We go back to the meeting of the scientists where Prof. Gordon reveals that this is a sex ray and his son Flesh (an ice hockey player) has discovered this ray is coming from a distant planet. Oh and Professor Gordon found his wife in bed with the garbage man.

Garbage Day For Him Will Never Be The Same For Him Again

And Plenty Of Other People Will Have The Horrors Of Garbage Day More Than A Decade When Eric Freeman Goes Crazy

Prof. Gordon also says that his son is heading back at this very moment. Then we go to the plane and considering we never see Prof. Gordon or any of these other people again, let’s just say it doesn’t go too well. On the plane we meet Flesh Gordon blow a bubble from his bubble gum.

And we get our opening title sequence as well as opening credits.

Yes And In That Small Corner That Is Being Black Boxed Is A Rocket Ship Shaped Like A Penis

In fact, during the credits, this dick rocket flies all over the comic book pages and there is a naked woman that the rocket commits going into. Very suggestive stuff.

Anyway, we are back on the plane and the first persons we see are the pilots.

Hey, It’s Better Than The Plan 9 Crap

In the back of the plane, Flesh Gordon is talking to news reporter Dale Ardor, who also just so happens to be on the plane.

They talk for a few minutes until the plane gets hit with the sex ray so everyone except Flesh for some reason starts getting horny and forms an orgy.

Even the pilots get in on the action so no one is flying the plane so Flesh tries to go past the orgy and fly the plane. Sadly Flesh’s strength pulls the steering wheel and now no Matter what, this plane is going down.

Flesh gets himself a parachute while carrying a horny and mostly naked Dale and they get off the plane.

Screw Everyone Else On The Plane. I’m Gonna Get This One Girl And I Out Of This Damn Plane

And they are the only ones who survive as Dale is barely holding onto Flesh.

I Swear To God She Is Holding Him And Not Trying To Blow Him

Then as Flesh is holding onto her, Dale commits fellatio on him as they both land. After walking a few feet while Dale is having no shirt or bra on, they reach a house.

They then run into a crazy man with a rifle who thinks they are spies.

Man, Lighting Is Bad In Some Of These Scenes

After some conversation, we find out that this man is Dr. Flexi Jerkoff and he has built a rocket ship so they can go to this foreign planet and put a stop to this sex ray.

And Yes, Flexi Fondles Dale The Entire Way To His Lab.

He then reveals his ship.

Which Is Getting Completely Black Boxes Because It Is A More Suggestive Model Of A Penis Than The Ship In The Opening Credits.

Flexi was able to get most of the parts from a Sears catalog and since they have no more time to have anyone else see the ship or assemble a real crew, Jerkoff takes Flesh and Dale with them and they head off to space. And since this rocket only has one seat, Dale and Flesh need to hold onto to grips as if they were on a New York subway.

Oh and before you ask about air and food and shit, remember what Mystery Science Theater 3000 said…

Just Repeat To Yourself “It’s Just A Show. I Should Really Just Relax.”

As the rocket is in space, we see one planet even have an eye.

Is That Supposed To Be The Moon?

They then go through some space trash which is strange.

Polluting Aliens…We May Need An Intergalactic Captain Planet To Deal With Them

They haven’t even gone far as we still even see Earth.

Thankfully The Universal Logo Doesn’t Appear

The sex ray shoots out and is about to hit them. Flesh tries to move the rocket with the controls, but his strength breaks the level and a trouble alarm appears.

Uh Oh…EC3 May Be Near

They of course cannot dodge the sex ray and Flesh isn’t invulnerable to this one so we have a three way.

Yeah….Black Boxing Flesh Gordon’s Pasty White Ass For My Own Sanity

They even have mattresses on this rocket so nobody gets hurt while having sex on this rocket ship. After that, Flexi admits that if he has another episode like that, he will be ready for the old folks’ home. So they go to land on the planet Porno.

Yes, That’s What It Is Called. Deal With It.

They are immediately discovered by guards and a rocket is sent to shoot the ship down under the orders of their leader, who we only hear at this time in a voiceover.

A rocket shoots at them and the ship is hit.

Well Definitely Made It Double

The ship is shot down, but thankfully our heroes are okay. And because Dale lost all her clothes in that sex scene, she is given a dress to put on by Flexi. It was apparently Flexi’s mother’s dress and she was buried in it. I’m not even going to touch the implications on that one.

They are immediately spotted by the guards.

Black Boxes For The Tops Of Their Helmets Because Yes, They Are Phallic.

Our three heroes are chased into a cave and while they lose them, they have to deal with some Penisauruses.

Yes, Those Are What They Are Called

They get in trouble with the Penisauruses, but the guards come in to take care of them.

They are captured and tied up so they can be taken to the castle of their leader, Emperor Wang The Perverted

Hey, It’s Monster Crap Alumni William Dennis Hunt.

He was in Critters 3.

He Was Briggs, That Asshole Businessman Who Had A Deal With A Landlord To Get All The Tenants Out Of The Building. He Was Also Leonardo DiCaprio’s Character’s Dad.

He has a hookah to smoke and an orgy happening on the floor. He wants to know why they have come to his planet and Flexi says they came to destroy that evil sex ray. Wang is offended by them wanting to destroy his sex ray as he thought they would be thanking him for the sex ray because well, he is a pervert. Since Flexi is a scientist, he is made to be a scientist under his employ. He sees Dale and is entranced by her enough to force her to marry him. Flesh has issues with this and tries to fight, but the guards kick his ass. Wang immediately wants him executed, but Queen of the Darkness Amora shows up.

She wants Flesh all to herself, but Wang makes Flesh first fight in the arena.

Yeah, He Has To Fight Naked Feral Women With Long Blue Nails

He defeats them and Queen Amora claims him as her own after he passes out from the fight with the naked feral women. She teleports away with him. Wang wants his guards to go after them because since Flesh had the gall to try to strangle him, he doesn’t want this one to get away.

Oh And Amora Has A Swan Spaceship.

While on the spaceship, Amora puts Flesh under a spell so she can have sex with him over and over again.

The swan ship even passes by constellations.

One That I Have To Black Box

The second constellation shoots its star arrow for no reason other than to look pretty. So Amora and Flesh start having sex while this green bastard watches for no reason.

Horny Owl, I Think You May Have Competition For Weird Voyeuristic Character

Meanwhile this dog is wagging its tail.

I Would Like To Say That This Movie Is Fucking Weird

Meanwhile, Wang has a random girl hooked up to some sort of feather machine.

Wang gets told that the guards have found Amora’s ship and despite this maybe causing a war, he wants that ship shot down. Wang says they need to make ready for the ceremony as Porno shall have a new queen. After he leaves (and calls a guard a dildo (he does that with almost all his guards)), Flexi has a guard hold and forces him to drop a jar, which creates a gas that knocks the guard out. This allows Flexi to escape and steal one of the spaceships. I should mention that Flexi does not take Wang hostage as he had a gun to him and only forced him to allow him to go down the elevator.

As Amora’s ship passes by more constellations…

The sex between Flesh and Amora is interrupted as the ship is shot down.

This kills everyone but Flesh.

And The Spell Is Broken And Flesh's Pubic Hair Does Show Up So Black Box That

Meanwhile the ceremony between Wang and Dale commences.

1) I Don’t Know Why Wang Has On The Veil
2) Dude’s Penis On The Right Is Black Boxed
3) The Priest Is A Special Effects Guy Who Would Do Effects For War Games, The Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension, And Beverly Hills Cop

Oh and this ceremony has cheerleaders.

Who Don’t Have Skirts Or Anything To Cover Their Privates

Meanwhile, Flesh puts on the crown and night gown of the late Amora when he meets up with Flexi, who is revealed to be the one who shot the swan ship down.

They are about to head to stop the wedding when a visual screen of Amora shows up.

Amora reveals that she regrets her evil ways and says that she gives them the gift of her power pasties, which may be able to stop Wang.

Please Do Not Shove Those Things Up Your Ass. Pasties Don’t Belong There.

Flesh feels stupid in the attire he is wearing so Flexi says he has something in the ship and what is it, you may ask?

It's The Outfit He Wears On The Poster And In The Rest Of This Movie. Looks Kinda Like He Is Supposed To Be A Superhero Or Something.

Back to the wedding, the priest tells Wang that he may now kiss the bride. He tries to do so with her struggling against this before they are interrupted by Flesh and Flexi.

I Swear Those Two Guards Are Not Having Sex With Each Other

A struggle commences and during the struggle, the woman who escorts Dale reveals to be a traitor to Wang and takes Dale away.

Flesh demands where Dale is and Wang tells them that some girl has taken her away. As they are about to go to retrieve her, Wang distracts them and that allows the priest to pull a lever so Flesh and Flexi fall through a trap door.

They Threw Toys Down A Hole. The Cheap Bastards.

The girl is revealed to be an agent for the Amazon Chief Nellie.

She Has A Metal Leg And A Hook For A Hand

Nellie reveals that they need to initiate her into one of their ranks so they strap her to a table and choose the black girl to have sex with her.

Yeah, This Is Rape And I Don’t Approve. Also You May Notice The Amazons Are Naked So….Black Box City

Thankfully, the hole that Flesh and Flexi fell into is near is close to the Amazon hide-out. Flexi and Flesh use the power pasties to put a hole in the trap they are in.

He Wants Some Damn Mardi Gras Beads.

This allows the two to get to the Amazons hide-out and stop the rape of Dale….because it seems Flesh has an issue with dykes if this dialogue is to be believed.

Flexi: Good lord, they are dykes.
Flesh: Dykes!!!
*Flesh charges in and starts punching*

The one spy bangs a gong.

Lady, This Is Not The Gong Show

This summons the beetle man.

Flesh and the Beetle Man fight each other and the beetle man is a real good stop motion effect (especially for the time). Flesh gets his ass kicked for most of it when a mysterious man uses a bow and arrow to kill the Beetle Man.

The Amazons are never seen again and Flesh wonders who is behind the kill of the Beetle Man and the man who killed the Beetle Man was…

Prince Precious

Precious reveals that he is the true heir to Porno and seeks to stop the evil Wang while regaining the throne. Precious reveals that Porno was once veritable paradise, but Wang, a maniacal botanist whose organ was devoured by a crazed Penis Fly Trap, led a rebellion with his fellow impotent and frustrated men and used the sex ray to take over. Flesh says that if there is anything he can do to repay him, he will and boy did Precious immediately call in that favor.

Yep….You Kind Of Put Yourself In That One

In the Forest Kingdom, they form their plan to defeat the evil Wang. There is an orgy going on in the forest so they head to the lab with Flexi to see if he has found something to stop the sex ray. With his use of the power pasties combined with a new gun he has created, they can destroy the sex ray. Meanwhile, there is an obvious spy among the ranks of Precious’ men.

Or Malcolm McDowell Showed Up At The Wrong Movie With The Wrong Gear.

Relax, relax…it isn’t Malcolm McDowell at all as he would have a different softcore film to star in (*cough* Caligula *cough*). But it was that spy thing I was talking about. Anyway, he sees all of this and reports back to Wang.

I Forgot To Mention The Wang Salute Is A Middle Finger Combined With The Other Way You Tell Someone To “Fuck Off”.

As Wang tells this spy his plan, we cut to the very next scene where everyone is flying on Precious’ ship.

Including The Spy Who Is Driving

They get close to Wang’s palace and the sex ray and it is at this moment that the plan is put into action as the spy stops driving and grabs one of the power pasties.

The spy then uses a parachute to get off the ship as Wang’s forces attack.

Yes, Parachutes In This World Are Umbrellas.

I think we all know what this mean.

He’s Mary Poppins, Y’all

The spy also fucked around with the ship’s controls so the ship seems to be crashing, but then the ship stops crashing as it is revealed they are caught in Wang’s tractor beam and where it is heading is not good.

Yep, Wang Is Planning On Crunching Them

The ship gets crunched.

Then as with all serials this parodies like Flash Gordon, we get a question that asks if our heroes have died.

Then with 22 minutes left in the movie, we get an intermission.

Relax, This Lasts Less Than A Minute.

We then get what is said to be Part II.

And like all serials, you get to see how everyone except that one guy who is not named makes it out alive.

Let’s Mention That Dale And Precious Were Sewing For No Reason

They mention that they only had four parachutes so that other guy died while the spy was sadly his best guy. The four immediately get down and storm the castle.

Via Bonk On The Head With Umbrellas

That’s Not How You Use An Umbrella, Ella, Ella, Eh, Eh, Eh

Low hanging fruit so yeah, I used that terrible joke. They chase the spy into a different room, but he evades them and now they are caught in a trap.

A Royal Flush Trap

Wang comes on the computer and talks about how they are all going to die and afterwards, the floor starts showing that this room is a giant toilet.

Why He Has This, I Don’t Know.

They all get flushed down the toilet and Wang celebrates thinking that they are dead.

Unfortunately as he is celebrating, we learn that Flesh and friends are not dead.

Damn Plumbing

Wang is interrupted from his orgy party by the spy who gives him the one power pasty that he stole. He then leaves as Wang decides he is going to use that power pasty for kinky shit.

Yep, Wang Is Gonna Put That Pasty In Her Snatch

Unfortunately for our perverted emperor, the pasty gets stuck up in there. The heroes also bust out of the men’s room with some seaweed on them.

Don’t Ask Me Why?

Our heroes run in and all the orgy men and women (except the one with the pasty stuck) leave. Wang then deploys his Rapist Robots.

No Fucking Comment

It seems our heroes again are in trouble, but Flesh is able to get away and turn the knob so the Rapist Robots go after Wang, who flees because he doesn’t want to deal with those drills either and proclaiming that our heroes have not heard the last of him.

The Rapist Robots leave and our heroes proceed to attempt to get the jewel out of the woman’s vagina.

The Same Way You Would Get Ketchup Out Of The Bottle. Shake It Loose.

They get it out and plan to use both pasties to destroy the sex ray. Meanwhile, Wang awakens the monster of this planet to defeat the good guys.

Voiced In An Uncredited Role By Craig T. Nelson.

Yes, that Craig T. Nelson. The man who was in Poltergeist as well as the main character in Coach. He was somehow talked into providing the voice of this monster that is basically the final boss of this film. And how does he voice this monster? The same way you would if you were just cashing in a damn check and not giving a care how you sound.

Our heroes run out, but meet the giant monster.

After a few minutes, our monster is able to get his clutches on Dale.

Yes, The Monster’s Arm On The Dale Scenes Do Not Match With The Stop Motion Monster. Did You Really Expect Anything Else?

Flesh realizes the monster has Dale and Jerkoff would use the gun to kill it, but he doesn’t want to hit Dale.

And How Could You Really Want To Kill A Face Like That?

The monster starts playing King Kong and goes to the highest place on this planet.

Wang is enjoying this evil and threatens to burn the Earth to a crisp while our heroes steal one of Wang’s rockets. Meanwhile, the monster decides he wants to see Dale topless.

You Are Now Worse Than King Kong, You Monster

Our heroes shoot at the creature who puts down Dale to deal with them.

The monster says “Up Yours” to Flesh and they respond by shooting him in the ass.

Monster: My…Ass!

Flesh is able to get down and save Dale, which pisses off the monster enough to run after him. Unfortunately for the beast, it is off the damn building, to which the monster has this line.

Monster: Oh Shit!!!

The monster also falls on Wang and the sex ray, blowing them both up and ending this nightmare for the planet Porno.

With the day saved and the evil castle destroyed, Precious and Flesh shake hands as the earthlings prepare to head back to Earth.

Precious says they can return at any time and our heroes head home in the penis shaped rocket ship. They head back to Earth with a message telling us not to miss the next episode.

And the movie just ends. No closing credits or anything, the movie just ends.

Of course, this movie was successful, so successful that there would be a sequel in Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders (no The Perils of Flesh Gordon). Unfortunately, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it would sadly be made 16 years later so only one person would return for that sequel and that would be William Dennis Hunt, who played the Wang and since he was killed in this film, he was just the Evil Presence. We would have a new Flesh Gordon, a new Dale Ardor, and a new Dr. Flexi Jerkoff. It’s probably going to be a while before I do the sequel and that would require another win in the Fantasy Football Bet for the Pirates of Porn.

Unfortunately, this film would not be here in Monster Crap, without some people who are no longer with us (especially as this film was done in the 70s). 8 years later, one of the two directors in Michael Benveniste (who also wrote the film) would commit suicide at the age of 36. Con Covert (who was uncredited as one of the fleeing citizens when the castle was destroyed) suffered a heart attack and died at the age of 55 on the year the sequel came out. A year after the sequel was done, John Hoyt (who played Prof. Gordon) in the brief time he was in the film, would succumb to lung cancer while 85 years old. Rene Bond (who played one of the sex people in the room) would succumb to cirrhosis of the liver in 1996 at the age of 45. Norman Fields (the uncredited radio broadcaster) would pass away that same year at the age of 72. William Margold (who was also an uncredited fleeing citizen) would pass away this year 2017 due to a heart attack at the age of 73.

I’ve already mentioned those who would succeed outside this film so it is now time for the final verdict. This movie is actually a fun romp, but I have to warn people that there is a lot of nudity and plenty of sexual acts so you will need to be an adult to see this movie or mature enough that your parents will be fine with it. Outside of that, you will see what is definitely an ambitious parody that is in the rare category of being before the big Hollywood feature production that would come out in 1980. The effects are good, the acting is decent, and overall, it is not a painful experience. Even without the porn scenes, I would recommend this and if more porn inductions were like this, I wouldn’t dread when Porno Pete wins.

But unfortunately, I have checked his schedule and we are not that lucky so what do you have next for us, Pete.

You give up way too early. Like this time, it would star a person of Monster Crap past who I forgot to mention in the Attack of The 60 Foot Centerfold in Tammy Parks.

You mean the rival?

Yep…the one and the same Tammy Parks. And if you look up her IMDB page, this film would be the first film that comes up. It is called…