Monster
Crap Inductee: 2-Headed Shark Attack
2
Heads In The Movie, Zero Brains
2012
Time
to go back to the films of The Asylum and also we get to return to films of
director Christopher Ray, son of director Fred Olen Ray.
He
Directed This Gem
For
the cast, they had to hire some names like Carmen Electra.
Yeah,
she was also a former playmate, former Baywatch babe, former MTV host, and
former wife of Dennis Rodman.
Yeah,
She Married That Crazy Guy
Also,
we need a male lead and since Jerry O’Connell refused to do this film, let’s
get his brother Charlie. And since we’re in the business of hiring family
members of more famous people, let’s hire Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk Hogan.
I
Want To Reiterate That She Is His Daughter And Not His Wife At The Time.
So
Brooke, this acting gig was her second attempt to have a career of her own
outside of her father’s shadow as her first attempt was to try to be a pop
diva.
It
Didn’t Work Out As Well As She Wanted It To.
So
she decided that she needed to be an actress and for that, she got Little
Hercules In 3D (which her father Hulk was Zeus in) and Sand Sharks.
Oh,
but I am not done yet with Brooke because also around this time….she decided
that she needed to be a character in wrestling and she did that in a company
her dad had a lot of say in at the time in TNA Impact.
And
If You Remember Her Time In TNA (I Know I Do Considering I Did Co-Host Impact
Implosion For The AngryMarks Podcast Network), You Would Know She Was Fucking
Terrible.
Now
that we are done with her, let’s talk about the rest of the cast….
I’ve
Got Nothing
The
only thing I have is Monster Crap alumni and besides Carmen Electra, we have
Gerald Webb (who played Jean in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus).
That’s
all we have so let’s get into this damn movie.
We
begin with two ladies wake surfing as guys are filming.
And
The Shark Eats The Two Ladies
I
think I should stop here to explain that a two-headed shark is definitely not
out of the realm of possibility as there is such a thing called Polycephaly,
which is an animal (or even human) with more than one head. It is of course a
mutation where two creatures come out of the womb or egg not fully developed
twins. Of course, you may have seen a two headed snake in your school text book
somewhere as it is a rare occurrence. Unfortunately, most of these animals die
because they both get the hunger bug and one kills the other which kills itself
too. But there have been two headed animals that have died via old age and some
that have even given birth, but that is uber rare. Also, they never get this
big, but this is The Asylum who had the idea of Sharknado, so logic is not
their strong suit.
The
guys see this are freaking dumb and decide to go back to see if their lady
friends are alive, despite the fact that we saw the shark pretty much eat them
in one bite so odds are not good. You definitely have footage to give to the
authorities so you probably should do that, but no….these are the “dumb bro”
kind of guys so they go back just so they can get eaten and that footage never
sees the light of day.
The
Two-Headed Sharks Main Objective Is Like Your Average Criminal, “No Witnesses”
And
We Also Get Our Title Card
We
then go on The Sea King.
No,
Not That Sea King
No,
That Is Deep Sea King From One Punch-Man
Oh
Come On, Guys….That’s A Freaking Pokemon. Of Course That Isn’t It Either.
There
We Go. That Is The Sea King I Am Talking About
Of
course, we are following an education vessel which is captained by Professor
Babish and he has students on board for studying.
That’s
Prof. Babish’s Wife Anne
There
Are Several Of The Students.
There’s
Two More Students (One Of Them Being Kate)
And
There Is Prof. Babish, Talking About A Sexton That Can Tell One’s Latitude
Of
course, there are jocks, nerds, hotties, potheads….all your typical college
clique shit and really not much to know about these characters as most of them
will just be chowder for the shark. The boat hits something and they find that
it is a dead Megamouth shark.
We
learn from our nerd character that Megamouth sharks are rarely seen as they are
deepwater fish
Prof.
Babish thinks that some kind of disturbance or sea quake could have brought it
up. Babish is then given a pike pole by a guy named Han and it used to try to
get the fish on board as Babish wants to take a look at it and it will go into
the propeller if he lets it go. Unfortunately, it is too big and it goes into
the propeller which cuts up the fish and causes the propellers to no longer
work so the book is stuck.
The
shark during it’s feeding frenzy causes the antenna to break so the SOS goes
nowhere.
Everyone
is worried about the boat sinking since it is taking water, but they do find an
island.
Sorry,
Nerd…..It’s An Atoll.
Since
the atoll normally means shallow water, they decide to head there so it will be
easier to fix the ship to avoid it from sinking. Babish tells the students that
he did promise the students this semester would offer them educational
opportunities beyond your wildest expectations and this is proof that he wasn’t
kidding. One of the students sees an unfinished tent and thinks civilization is
there.
You
Are A Dumbass
So
they get to as close as the boat can go and students are ferried to the atoll
via a dinghy. Annie doesn’t like this atoll so she is staying on the boat. The
first group immediately gets on the atoll.
Well,
Second Group As The First Group Got On The Island Offscreen
While
journeying on the atoll, the group with Babish find a hole.
I
Didn’t Need The Nerd To Correct Me On This One, Although Professor Babish Sure
As Hell Did.
You
Idiot!!!!
Of
course some of the students wonder if there are cannibals on this atoll.
You
Know, I Really Wish There Were Some Cannibals Here. But We Are Not That Lucky.
They
find a beached animal on the atoll too.
Although
They Never Say What It Is, It Is Obviously A Giant Squid. Another Deepwater
Animal That Should Not Be Shallow
Laura
decides to go under the boat so she can weld and says she will be okay.
Meanwhile,
Anne decides to do some sunbathing.
Well,
They Did Hire Carmen Electra So Of Course This Was Happening
You
can probably guess what is going to happen to Laura.
The
shark then hits the boat and the crew feels it. Back on the atoll, Babish and
the students find an abandoned village with outhouse and tiny church. Babish
tells them to split up, but stay close by as they are looking for scrap metal
or anything that could come in handy to fix the boat.
But
You Know With College Students, You Know What These Three Are Going To Be Up To
While
with another student, Kate talks about how she is freaked out by the water
because when she was 12, she had an encounter with a blue shark that scared
her.
Understandable
Because While They Look Doe Eyed, They Can Be Rather Viscous Predators
Of
course, the question that most of us would ask is asked, which is why she would
spend a semester at sea and she answers that she did this so she wouldn’t be
scared of the water anymore. Honey, you already had a close encounter with a
shark and your attempt to get over it is in a movie called Two-Headed Shark
Attack. Maybe you and the sea do not mix.
So
we go to the three that are gonna have water fun and….
The
Return Of The Black Box.
Of
course, they decide to have extra water fun.
Shark
Head #1: My
Sex Readings Are Off The Charts
Shark
Head #2: Well,
You Know What That Means?
Shark
Head #1 & #2: KILLING
TIME!!!!
And
that is exactly what happens.
Although
If This Is To Be Believed, The Shark May Literally Be Going Ass To Mouth
You
Never Go Ass To Mouth
After
that bit, the guy tries to run, but he gets eaten up rather quickly.
On
the atoll, the students tell Babish that they really didn’t find anything and
they find boats.
Well,
I Wouldn’t Take These Boats On The High Seas, But They Could Be Used For Scrap
Metal If You’re Desperate…..Which You Seem To Be
Meanwhile,
another student finds a gun and instead of telling anyone, decides to hide it
in her bag. The nerd is asked to tune these boats up to see if they could be of
use (no one ever brings up that they really don’t work in the ocean). The shark
somehow causes a bit of a rumble and Babish injures his leg.
Ouchy
Mamma
Two
of the students try to get Babish back to the Sea King so he can get aid. More
tremors happen and one of the students freaks out so Kate slaps her, with
another student calling Kate a bitch for doing so and the nerd telling Kate
that was wrong.
Back
on the ship, the crew checks on Laura and…
Yeah…Unless
Laura Was Serizawa And Decided To Die With Godzilla And The Oxygen Destroyer,
I’d Say Laura Is Dead
We
find out Anne is apparently a doctor so that is why the two students went with
Babish to get aid. Anne says she can patch up Babish’s wound, but they need to
get him to a clinic soon. The two students are sent back to the island as the
Sea King is still under repair. While doing so, they find a piece of flesh and
decide to investigate. It’s a severed hand and they get eaten shortly
afterwards.
Like
Shooting Fish In A Barrel
The
students still on the atoll eventually get one of the boats to work and leave
Kate and the nerd as well as two others behind on their boat. Kate, the nerd,
and one of the two go on the other boat while the other stays behind. Back on
the Sea King, Babish and his wife Anne see that the atoll is sinking. The two
boats with students decide to race to the Sea King. The shark with two heads
shows up and eats the boat that doesn’t have Kate on it, because Kate has main
character shield. The black guy is the first that gets eaten.
Because
Of Course He Is.
The
nerd talks about creatures with two heads never survive until maturity
(although they have, it is still rare). He also says the shark is going after
the other boat because the boat’s motor is bigger. The leader of the second
boat decides to dive off and save himself while the boat gets destroyed and the
other two still on eaten.
The
other boat gets the coward and gets back on land where there are still students
watching all of this on the atoll. Kate punches the coward and walks away. The
nerd and two others try to calm Kate down. Oh yeah, a boat with the crew as
well as Anne and the professor come to the atoll as well. They figure out that
the people we saw as get killed are now missing. Babish says that the Sea King
does have an emergency transponder that sends out a signal that puts their
location on the map, but that means they have to sink the it. Oh and because
atolls are built on coral as its foundation, the shark is attacking the coral
to sink the atoll eventually. The nerd explains that if they fix a generator
that just so happens to be on the island and distract the shark, another boat
can go back to the Sea King and fix it. Oh and Kate apparently knows how to
weld as her dad’s a welder.
Things
That Could Have Been Brought To Our Attention YESTERDAY!!!!
So
the Babish couple, the nerd, the surviving crew, and some of the students set
put a net in the water that is hooked up to a battery as a way to distract the
shark while Kate and the coward set off for the Sea King so Kate can hopefully
weld shit together. The shark is confused for a while before eventually
deciding to attack the electric net and if you are thinking electrocution will be
the result, we have more than 20 minutes left so it just attacks and the
battery dies. It also kills the two crew members.
Meanwhile,
the coward continues to live up to what I called him as when Kate is finished
somewhat with the crack, he just tries to leave her behind. Unfortunately for
him, the shark is no longer distracted and it is definitely noticing the Sea
King moving. Kate comes back to the rest of the students as well as the nerd
and the Babbish couple to explain about getting ditched by the coward. They all
can only watch as the shark destroys the Sea King.
The
coward tries to escape on a life rate, but considering it is inflatable and
yellow, you know how well that works.
Some
of the more scared students talk about going on the motor boat to help, but
with the problems of not enough gas to get anywhere and the shark being heavily
attracted to the motor, that would be a death sentence. The shark decides to
start basically attacking the coral that is holding this atoll afloat. Two
dumbass students separate from the bunch and end up on a dock. They actually
think they are safe.
Yoink!!!!
The
Babish couple are separated from the rest of the students because of the shark
attacking the coral and get trapped. Knowing that they are going to die, they
get in one last embrace to remind you that they are married.
And
then two of the three names in this movie get eaten.
Most
of the atoll is now underwater and the students led by Kate and the nerd have
to find shelter, in they find in the church.
Yeah,
There Is A Tiny Church On This Atoll
When
the shark breaks down the doors to attack, one of the students tries to attack
the shark with a cross.
Sir,
This Isn’t Sharkula As That Movie Would Be Made Last Year
Another
student has a gun that she stole earlier and shoots at it.
Ah
Yes….That Tiny Pistol Is Gonna Take Out That Beast, I’m Sure. (Sarcasm)
As
imagined neither of those work as the shark eats the girl who had the gun.
Sweetheart….Give
Us A Kiss
The
herd gets thinned out as more are eaten so we only have 3 left in Kate, the
nerd, and a third student as they escape out a window.
As
For The Rest Of You Including Guy With The Cross, You Get The Consolation Prize
Of Shark Bites
The
three survivors find a gas barrel and decide that they can use that to kill the
shark.
The
nerd takes off his shirt and rings it out in hopes that they get a fuse since
the third surviving student has a lighter. But of course they have to light the
fuse and some has to lure the shark. Kate volunteers to be the lure. She cuts
herself and the blood definitely attracts the shark. The fuse won’t light and
Kate has to actually attack the shark.
The
no name student decides to tap on the barrell and lure the shark to her which
for some reason, actually has the shark ignore Karen attacking it.
And
That No Name Student Is Dead
And
then somehow, something explodes.
Lame!!!!!!
But
the shark is still not dead as the explosion only blew up one of the heads.
Okay…That
Shark Should Be Dead Since With All Two Headed Animals, If One Of The Heads
Die, The Whole Thing Dies
Kate
then starts the still afloat motor boat and then jumps off so the shark will go
after the boat.
Are
You Kidding Me….That Is A One Headed Shark With No Wound To Reveal It Had To
Heads (The Left One Was The One That Blew Up). How Do You Freaking Miss
That???!!!!
So
the shark bites the boat and the boat explodes, killing the beast once and for
all.
So
with the nerd and Kate the only two remaining and then a helicopter comes to
rescue them thanks to that emergency transponder.
And
this whole movie is over.
Due
to the fact that Asylum really doesn’t reveal how much these movies made, you
won’t find out if it was a flop or not. Nobody in this movie actually did
anything noteworthy afterwards, well….not for movies anyway. Brooke Hogan would
kind of be a part of a controversy in the same year as a sex tape of her father
Hulk Hogan would be released to Gawker thanks to Hulk Hogan’s then friend Bubba
The Love Sponge (that’s what he calls himself) as he was in the closet video
taping Hulk Hogan having sex with Bubba’s wife. Hogan sued Gawker for illegally
obtaining this and he won, putting Gawker out of business. Now you might be
asking how this involves Brooke. Well, at the time, Brooke was dating a guy who
was African American and the Hulkster was very much pissed off about that and
used some very racist language to vent about it. He got into a shit ton of
trouble and was fired by WWE before the company brought him back because if you
expect pro wrestling to be really pissed off about a racist, you are not really
paying attention.
As
far as Christopher Ray was concerned, he would make a few more Asylum films
before 2015 when he made Mega Shark vs. Kolossus and 3 Headed Shark Attack and
that was it with their pairing for several years as he was doing his own thing
and didn’t just want to be an Asylum director. But this year, that relationship
has been fixed and he will be directing two films for the Asylum. Care to guess
what one of them is...
Yep….That
One
Thankfully,
no one has passed away so now we get to my thoughts on the movie. You know, I
saw this movie on SyFy in 2012 and honestly, I did not hate the film back then.
However, when I rewatch this movie for the induction, oh boy do the flaws show.
The characters are really undistinguishable so most of them I would not even
name because it wasn’t worth the name. Some of the dumb moments are really dumb
and that moment when I saw the one headed shark for no reason, I lost my shit
as I had not noticed that the first time. This is not a good movie although I
find it less stupid than Christopher Ray’s last film I inducted Mega Shark vs.
Crocosaurus.
So
now onto the n…
*DVD
thrown at him*
Ow....Dammit…
Fuck
Off…..I’m Going To Enjoy My Summer
Well,
at least I have my next movie and it is….
So….You
Want Me To Do Another Shark Movie Directed By Christopher Ray? Okay….
