Saturday, April 27, 2019

Monster Crap Inductee: The Cat In The Hat (2003)

Monster Crap Inductee: Cat In The Hat
So Bad, Seuss’ Widow Said They Couldn’t Do Another Live Action Movie For As Long As She Lived


Well, I knew this was going to come after I inducted that terrible Jim Carrey Grinch movie. But I really did not want to do it this soon. But unfortunately, NegaSeth had to put it as one of his nominees to make me suffer through first and as soon as I saw that poll, I knew that was winning. I just knew you fans couldn’t help yourself wanting to see me tackle that, whether for joy of wanting to see me suffer or just because it needed to be done. And after seeing it, I truly have absolutely zero idea what the people who made this film were intending to make this film for. It is that much of a mess.

So why did someone decide to make this movie? Well, despite how terrible I felt that Grinch film was, it made money (a lot of money) and even won a damn Oscar along the way. So why not make a live action film based on Dr. Seuss’ most well known property in the Cat In The Hat.

Despite more people remembering the adaptations of the Grinch, the most well known of Dr. Seuss’ book is The Cat In The Hat. Heck, even the logo for all of the Dr. Seuss branding is The Cat In The Hat. In fact, I had been hearing about this film idea and the original person to play the Cat In The Hat was Tim Allen.

Yes, Mike Myers was not the original choice and the original script was written with Tim Allen in mind with his help as when he was a kid, The Cat In The Hat scared him and he wanted to give the film the edge that scared him as a child. But because it was finally approved in 2001 and the script was rewritten by writers of Seinfeld. And Tim Allen was also busy wanting a re-write of The Santa Clause 2, which took more time so when it was time to make the film, he was busy and had to drop out. Then it went to Mike Myers despite Mike not being on the best of terms with the film’s producer Brian Grazer over a cancelled film based on his SNL character Dieter. But to get Mike Myers in, they had to give him plenty of control over the character, and according to rumors, would tell other actors how to perform their scenes….which is rich considering the two actors he would say this to were KELLY PRESTON and ALEC BALDWIN.

You may remember Alec Baldwin for being in that terrible Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.

And Kelly Preston was also in a past Monster Crap inductee for being in her husband’s terrible attempt to get us to like L. Ron Hubbard in Battlefield Earth.

Now despite all of that, this being Michael Myers’ first foray into Monster Crap, and the fact that I have called Alec Baldwin the most overrated actor out there, these two are STILL better at acting that Mike Myers.

There are a few more people who were in past Monster Crap inductees like Dakota Fanning being in Twilight: New Moon

She Is Still Staring Into My Soul

Spencer Breslin was in The Happening and the only memory I have of him in that film is him getting shot.

Dan Castellaneta is also in this movie as the voices of Thing One and Thing Two and of course he has been in past Monster Crap Inductees.

He Was Mr. Kenny In That Fantastic Four Film That Won The GINO Award A Few Years Ago

And The Narrator For That Terrible Opening To That Horrible Super Mario Bros. Movie

And there is two more, but I have kept this intro going for so long and have basically delayed the inevitable for so long, I might as well get to the film. Lord, help me…..

Okay, there are a few (very few) things likable about this movie. For one,

I Like That Parts Of The Opening Credits Were Done In Animation That Would Feel Right At Home In A Dr. Seuss Book

Secondly, Victor Brandt was a great choice to be the narrator as he seemed to completely grasp the whimsy that Dr. Seuss brought in all his books and read his lines here as if he were reading you a bedtime story. At this time he had been in the voice acting game for a few years and trust me, he definitely made it work and people who made cartoons did notice.

We Also Get The Opening Title Card.

We go to the town of Anville, a town never mentioned in the book because of course in the actual book, the house where the book’s story happened in could be a house like you or mine.

While the colors definitely make this feel like this would be in a Seuss book, the structure of the buildings does not. Here is the thing about most places in Seuss books,

They Look More Like This. There Is A Bit Of Zany Chaos In The Architecture.

Meanwhile, this town of Anville looks too….normal. So we go to the offices of Humberfloob’s Real Estate and it is here where we meet the mom of this film.

She is on the phone with the babysitter for her kids and of course, she is getting told that the babysitter is quitting so that means this mom (named Joan Walden) has to go home. We then meet the boss in Mr. Humberfloob.

He is very much a neat nick and introduces a new employee in Jim McFlinnigan, who he then proceeds to fire a few seconds later for shaking his hand.

And The Way He Says “Fired” Is Extremely Awkward.

He says that tonight is a meet and greet at one of their employees’ houses and this year’s host will be Joan. Joan informs her boss that she has to get home to her kids and her boss agrees. He also says that if her house is as messy as it was last time she hosted, she will be fired. We then go to Joan’s home and meet her two kids, Conrad and Sally.

Sally is very much a neat freak who keeps an itinerary on her phone while Conrad is a rule breaker who makes a mess everywhere he goes because it’s fun.

Of course all of this is so he can do indoor sledding on the stairs.

Sally admonishes him for making a mess and mentions how hard it is for her to say the two are related, which Conrad responds that he will put everything back (he never does). Of course after he starts, his mom comes in and he goes by her, banging into her car.  

The dog (named Nevins) also escapes and this doesn’t make Sally happy. The mom and Sally are clearly unhappy to which Conrad smiles and asks “what’s up” to his mom. Joan immediately tells Conrad that he is so lucky he didn’t ruin this dress and Conrad tries to blame this all on Sally. His mom asks how this is all Sally’s fault and Conrad needs to think about why. Joan tells Conrad that he picked today of all days to pull this stunt and Sally says she tried to tell him (which she didn’t). Sally hopes Conrad is grounded and Joan says her son is grounded for a week, which Conrad thinks is too long and wants only 2 days. Kid, you are lucky you aren’t grounded for a month.

Of course, the neighbor walks by, who has picked up Nevins and brought him home.

This is Larry Quinn (call him Lawrence) and he is dating Joan, which for him ultimately leads to them getting married. Sally thanks Lawrence and when Lawrence tries to call her princess, Sally says that in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power. Um…that is a very poor way to try and get some UK viewers to laugh. Not all monarchies are constitutional ones.

Even Lawrence Here Is Stupefied By That Comment

While Conrad is tidying up the living room, Lawrence asks Joan if she has given any thought into his idea on sending Conrad to military school. Joan is still not sure if it is right for Conrad, but after today, I would put Conrad on the first flight there. Conrad overhears this and is not happy. When Joan gets on the phone, Conrad confronts Lawrence on this and Lawrence admits that he doesn’t like Conrad either. Basically, Lawrence is an ass to the kids when the mom isn’t looking, but the most caring individual when she can see or hear this stuff.  Kinda like how Alec Baldwin was to his daughter in real life.

Oh You Bet Your Ass I Am Going To Bring Up The One Time He Called His Daughter A Pig On The Answering Machine

Lawrence leaves, but not before giving Conrad a salute.

Conrad then tells his mom that he wants her to dump that neighbor. Of course there is an interruption from Kate’s Catering.

Hi Clint Howard, Who Has Been On Monster Crap Before With House Of The Dead And How The Grinch Stole Christmas

And yes, his name is Kate. That’s the entire joke and only reason for his appearance as he delivers the catering for Joan’s get-together tonight and leaves. Bye Clint Howard.

As Joan is preparing stuff, she gets a telephone call from Mr. Humberfloob, who wants her back in the office as there is a meeting about to take place. Joan then calls Mrs. Kwan to babysit.


Joan tells Kwan that Conrad is grounded and offers Sally to take her to her friend Jenny’s house, but Sally says she is no longer friends with Jenny because last time they made cupcakes, Jenny wanted to be the head chef and only Sally can be the head chef in her mind. And of course she isn’t friends with Denise because Denise talked back to her once so Sally ordered that Denise never speak to her again. Looks like we got a little sociopath in Sally here.

Since they are both staying in the house, Joan gives them the rules including no answering the telephone to say this is the city morgue and of course, no going in the living room. Conrad talks back and says that what if he does, is she going to send him to military school. Joan says if he behaved for once, she wouldn’t have to consider it. Conrad says he wishes he had a different mom and Joan says sometimes she wishes the same thing.

We’re gonna play a little game here. For every time I give this movie the middle finger, I’m going to keep tally so for this scene.

Middle Finger: 1

Oh trust me, this will go a lot higher.

Oh they try to play the sad music to make you feel bad for Conrad, which no one would at this point. Joan even thinks about going back and apologizing, but she doesn’t and goes on her way to work. We then find out that Lawrence is not going to work and staying at home, proving this is all an act.

Mrs. Kwan has the kids watch TV with her and it is Taiwanese Parliament as they are going through a filibuster, which in this movie only means one thing.


We hear lots of random martial arts sound effects and Kwan is rooting for one of the guys as she hates big government. For the blatant racism on display here,

Middle Finger: 2

Besides if I want to watch Parliament, I’ll watch English Parliament where they all yell at each other and sometimes even insult each other in the loudest voice possible.

The kids then just mope and look outside the window as Taiwanese Parliament is no fun for them.

This Scene That Is In The Book Loses A Lot Of Luster When You Hear The BS Sound Effects Of “Taiwanese Parliament” In The Background.

Mrs. Kwan then falls asleep.

Conrad of course decides to keeping making noise at the fish bowl and Sally has to tell him to stop.

Conrad then licks his hand and tries to touch Sally, which Sally trying to keep it away from her. Suddenly, they hear a noise from upstairs. They go and check it out. It is there where this horrifying visual.

The kids react in the appropriate manner.

Now, I gotta nitpick here because you just made the Cat In The Hat a creep who breaks into the house from upstairs when in the book, while he is still breaking into the house, he goes SWAT and kicks down the front door.

Less Creepy

Although based on what Tim Allen said about his fears of this cat, I have a feeling this scene where the kids try to run away from the cat with the cat showing up wherever they were hiding was in his version.

The Cat In The Hat introduces himself and immediately like the Grinch movie that I inducted in December, basically disses the rhymes that Seuss had in his books, which is basically a lazy way for their characters to not be rhyming.

Middle Finger: 3

When Sally asks where this cat came from, he tries to do a Birds and the Bees talk as a joke. When they try to get him to explain himself, he never does either by saying he came from his place or saying he drove. Oh and we also learn the Cat In The Hat is lactose intolerant. He then looks at a picture of Joan and wonders who this attractive lady is, even making it longer so they could make that it was a centerfold picture so the cat’s hat can rise.

Who Is This Movie Made For?

Of course, Conrad reveals that is their mom, to which he responds with “Awkward. But why would any self-respecting mom use their centerfold (from probably a nudie magazine) as they picture for the living room where everyone can see.

It Just Raises Too Many Questions

The Cat then sees the babysitter and wonders who sits on a baby for money as he would do it for free. He then hangs her in the closet.

More Like How You Would Hang A Suit And Less Like How You Would Hang A Person

Now he checks what the Phunometer has to say.

That Is What It Is Called

He firsts measures Sally and it originally says she is a serial arsonist.

I Don’t Know About Arsonist, But Serial Killer Could Be In Her Future

He taps it and it merely claims she is a control freak.

He then measures Conrad and initially says he is a bed wetter.

Conrad says to tap it like he did with Sally, but he doesn’t and just makes a joke about how it isn’t gonna change even if you tap it with a hammer. He then reveals that he is of course a rule breaker meaning that machine may be broken as it missed out twice. He makes a joke about this checkup being $700 and who is their insurance carrier. Again, who is this movie made for?

Conrad asks what do they do and The Cat In The Hat says there are two treatments. The first is of course some painful needle shots to the abdomen.

Something That You Did To Deal With Being Bit By An Animal With Rabbies, Which Probably Flew Over Every Kid’s Head

The other involves a musical number and much like me, Sally asks for the shots. But she doesn’t get the shots and we get a musical number.

He starts singing, but in the middle, he pukes up a hairball. He also throws it on a miniature head bust.

Gee….I Wonder Why This Movie Was Considered Terrible

He continues singing when someone yells for him to stop this. It turns out it is the goldfish who now happens to talk.

Also Voiced By The Actor Who Plays Mr. Humberfloob

The kids are surprised that the fish is talking, but The Cat In The Hat asks if the fish is really saying anything because he doesn’t think he is. And then the Cat turns into Carmen Miranda.

For Those Of You Who Don’t Know And Don’t Care To Here Details, Carmen Miranda Was The Woman Who Would Wear Fruit As A Hat

Middle Finger: 4

Also, in the song, they did a joke about cutting off the cats’ balls. FOR KIDS!!!!!

The goldfish says this cat is in violation of 17 of their mother’s rules. Oh and remember that City Morgue joke earlier, the cat answers the phone and says it. The goldfish now says he broke 18 rules. And we have this matador joke.

You might be wondering what anything of this has to do with the movie and the answer is…….nothing. This was all just stuff Mike Myers would adlib to pad out the movie.

Then they included this scene from the book where the cat is carrying things while on a ball.

Oh and he drinks milk so we get a burp joke.

Middle Finger: 5

The kids want the Cat In The Hat to stay and he makes them sign a fun contract.

With Lawyers Present

After that is all done, the cat goes in the living room and the kids tell him they can’t jump on the couch or they’ll ruin it. The Cat agrees and says the couch needs some adjustments.

The Cat Then Becomes A Redneck For No Reason. Complete With Disgusting Butt Crack And Fart Jokes

Middle Finger: 6

After minutes of unfunny schtick, they finally start to jump on the couch.

We get the fish using some flashback for the kids including a threat of her mom being fired which they didn’t see. The fish gets thrown in the toilet and he says this is where they buried his brother. We get this line.

Sally: Like being in a circus
Cat In The Hat: Yeah, but without all those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have Hepatitis.

You could have just stopped at the tortured animals line, but you had to go further, didn’t you, Mike?

Middle Finger: 7

While they are doing that, Lawrence sneaks in for some reason and sees the kids doing this, which he scolds them for. Sally tries to tell Mr. Quinn that she was trying to tell Conrad to get off the couch. Lawrence reveals he is an asshole to her by saying no one likes a suck up.

Unlike Alec Baldwin, Who Loves People Sucking Up To Him.

He then goes and steals the beer from Joan’s fridge and a sandwich, also showing he is a slob by burping at them. We then see that the Cat In The Hat is hiding on the ceiling.

The Cat In The Hat starts scratching himself and shedding. And what do you know, Lawrence is allergic to cats.

After Lawrence leaves, The Cat asks what the two want to do for fun and of course, Sally wants to make cupcakes. The Cat is alright with this idea and we have a long drawn out skit of a for an Amazing Products informercial of the Kupkake-inator

This Goes On For 2 Whole Minutes And It Feels Like Longer

Middle Finger: 8

Basically, you can put anything in this device and it will make perfect cupcakes. The Chef Cat gets annoyed with the Host Cat and in his anger accidentally chops off his own tail.

We even get a moment of the Chef Cat about to curse, but he is cut off and the kid’s ears are covered by the actual Cat.

We then go to the Cat who is thinking of actually suing the kids.


And while all this happened, it seems they may have put the device in the over for way too long and when they open it, they make a huge mess.

Things are even made worse when the Cat tries to clean it off with what turns out to be mom’s dinner party dress.

The kids stop him and mention how he has ruined the dress. The dress comes back with how the dress was ruined already (basically saying it is ugly) and snapping his fingers.

Middle Finger: 9

The goldfish (who escaped from the toilet and is now in a small tea pitcher that you usually pour tea into) talks about how the kitchen is ruined and how he told them this cat was gonna create a mess. The Cat in the Hat says he will take care of this and he knows just the people to help. He then brings in a box.

He opens the box and frees Thing 1 & Thing 2.

Dear God…They Are Horrifying

While the cat is talking about how the two can go by different names, Conrad wants to open the box to see what else is in it and the Cat says there is a rule about not opening it as it is a gateway between the real world and the Cat’s world. He then puts a lock on the crate.

So the Cat asks the two Things to clean Mom’s dress and they do, but the stains go right on the couch.

Conrad yells at the Cat that the couch is now messed up so he has the Things clean. So the Things clean that couch, but now they have made the walls and curtains stained.

They continue to make things worse and when the kids tell them to stop, the Things won’t listen.

The kids then try to net them.

Conrad then decides to break the one rule the cat gave them and pick the lock on the crate.

Dammit Conrad

The lock then decides to put itself on Nevins’ collar.

Before I Almost Forget, The Dog Noises Are Done By Frank Welker, Who Has Done Sounds & Voices For Godzilla (1998), Anaconda, Super Mario Bros., Munchies, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys & How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

The Cat is laughing about all this chaos when he realizes the lock to the crate is gone. He asks Conrad about it (knowing he did it) and Conrad says it is on Nevins. Of course, with The Things’ shenanigans, Nevins now has escaped outside.

Sally chastises Conrad that this is a mess and the Cat says it will get worse if they do not lock the crate. They try to hold it shut, but the Cat says it doesn’t do much without the lock and if they don’t get it soon, they will be staring down at the mother of all messes. Sally and the fish want to tell mom and hope she fixes the mess, but Conrad wants to go get Nevins. The Cat then decides to make a joke of a third option involving murder.

Middle Finger: 10

The Cat agrees with Conrad that they need to get the dog and in hopes of delaying the crate’s mess, they put Mrs. Kwan on top of it, who is still sleeping.

We then see that Lawrence is a slob with the gut and his entire house is a mess.

There is a knock on his door and it is the repo men.

Sadly None Of Them Look Like This.

They come and take away his TV because this slob is behind on his payments.

So you can now see why Lawrence is trying to pretend he is a responsible adult and get to wed Joan Walden.


He looks out his window and notices Nevins got free. He calls Joan about it and promises to get it back so they can have that conversation about sending Conrad to military school.

Meanwhile, the kids and the Cat find Nevins and the goldfish (in a jar on the backpack) complains about the chance they become homeless if Joan loses her job because of this mess. The Cat then asks if the fish wants to go back in the toilet and that shuts the fish up. The Cat tries to jump the fence because cats are able to do that easily and all and well…he’s a cat-man so it goes as well as you would think.

He Needs The Kids’ Help To Get Over

When they get into the yard, the Cat grabs a hoe and says jokes is going to kill Nevins. Nevins runs and the kids chastise him for scaring Nevins, the Cat’s response is to look at the hoe and say “Dirty Ho”. Then he smiles as if it was clever.

Middle Finger: 11

Then he says he is sorry and tries to tongue it.

Middle Finger: 12

The dog then goes in another yard where there is obviously a party being prepared as food is all outside. Of course, this party is for Denise’s birthday and Sally wonders why she wasn’t invited. Well, maybe if you didn’t get mad and say she can never speak to you again, this would not happen.

Kids, Don’t Be A Sally

Conrad says they need to get Nevins and of course, the mom from inside tells the kids that it is time to go outside. So they run and fail to get Nevins, and they things get worse as they have to hide. However, the cat cant hide so he decides to pretend to be a pinata.

You Know What, I Know I Could Make Loads Of Pinata Jokes (Pinata: Survival Island And WCW’s Oklahoma Come To Mind), But The Hell With That. Mike Myers’ Cat In The Hat As Been Annoying Me So Much That I Am Just Going To Enjoy This.

Right In The Leg. Make Sure That Asshole Can’t Walk Anymore.

The girl then says everyone should join in.

You Deserve It. *Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap* You Deserve It. *Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap*

Damn “You Deserve It” Era. Now Everyone Gets The Game Ball Like It Is In Pee Wee Football

Shut up, Dave. This Cat has been deserving this for a while now and I am going to enjoy it.

The kids wonder why no candy is falling out and a big kid with a big bat comes up to say he will deal with this “no candy giving” pinata.

Get ‘Em, Slugger


But then they have to ruin it with the cat remembering a girl he likes.

Or Himself In Drag

Even in the best moment, they ruin it.

Middle Finger: 13

The fun ends as Conrad and Sally throw candy out and the kids go after it, which distracts them. The Cat wants to kill the kid, but is thankfully stopped by Conrad and Sally, who say they don’t have time for this.

Joan calls Mrs. Kwan, who wakes off the box, and she doesn’t notice the mess and sees two individuals looking like the kids, so she says they are like angels.

You Are Useless, Mrs. Kwan!

Then we see Mrs. Kwan go back to sleep and the Things play with her like a marionette puppet.

Meanwhile, we see the box is wide open.

While the kids and the Cat are about to sneak to get the dog, Lawrence comes in and gets the dog instead.

The kids think they are in trouble, but the cat says they can use his car to get the dog back. The kids are upset that he failed to mention he had one, except that he did when they asked how he got to the house. They see this awesome hummer and think that is his car.

Except that isn’t his car and that is merely the dust cover, this is his car instead.

I Should Not Be Surprised By The Disappointment

And again, they did another joke where they almost said a curse, but stopped. Again, I will ask who this movie was made for.

Lawrence sings how he is sending Conrad away and the dog pees in the car, but it is actually on a taco. Meanwhile, the guys chasing the run a red light and the Cat decides he is going to let Conrad drive.

Sally also drives so she also gets a driving wheel.

In fact, now they all get to drive.

This Movie’s Lack Of Logic Makes My Head Hurt

After spinning like crazy, Conrad asks where the brakes are and the cat rips out so he can show them.

Dammit, You Have Made Even Spock Facepalm At This Point

They barely avoid crashing front on into a truck as The Cat gets ready for when Mike Myers kills his career.

Yeah, He Knew He Was Making That Shit Back Then

They crash the car and it is now in pieces.

They see Lawrence parked near Joan’s work and is ready to deliver the dog to her, but the Cat has an idea, namely pretend to be a hipster wanting Lawrence to sign a petition to save the Zumzizeroo.

Lawrence tries to have this guy go away, but the Cat is persistent so Lawrence decides to sign it. Lawrence has the Cat hold the dog and while Lawrence is signing, the Cat runs away.

Hey, That Dog Doesn't Have A Leash. 

That's Better

While Lawrence wants the dog back, but doesn’t get it. He chases the Cat and kids, who go into a mailbox where there is a party going on underground.

Oh and unlike those spoof movies from Seltzer and Friedberg, this movie got the real Paris Hilton. By the way, this was the same year as that sex tape with her boyfriend Rick Solomon was leaked on the internet. 

What The Hell Are We Doing, Movie?

The cat falls over into a bunch of people with the same hat and just takes a random one, which isn’t his. They run out through another structure and hide while Lawrence tells Joan about everything. It is then that they realize the hat the cat has isn’t his. So because of this, they have to get the Things to help them by stealing Lawrence’s car.

Then they have the Things pretend to be cops and pull over Joan and Lawrence.

Lawrence sees the kids in his car and steals the cop’s bike to catch up.

Lawrence beats them to the house and explains to Conrad how much trouble they are in. They go inside and Lawrence sneezes, which means the Cat is nearby. Of course, the Cat is behind and scares Lawrence down a pit that also reveals how really messed up their house is.

Yeah, their entire house is now a Seuss World.

The Cat says this is why he never wanted Conrad to open the crate, but on the plus side, this will definitely be the most talked about party. So since they have no idea where anything is and the Cat doesn’t have his hat, there is only one option.

Ride Mrs. Kwan Like A Boat Till They Reach The Crate

They go by the dining room and bathroom with The Cat In The Hat making terrible jokes until they go down a slope and they ride like the are on a log flume.

Conrad Thinks This Is Amazing, But I Think A Real Log Flume Would Be More Be More Amazing

Oh and while Conrad says it is ride at an amusement park, the Cat looks directly into the camera and says…

Cat In The Hat: You Mean At Universal Studios….Ha Ha, Cha-Ching


I know it has been a while, but I have to.

Middle Finger: 14

Then to continue the ride joke, they have a picture of how they survived the Kwan. That Cat is upset that his eyes were closed for the camera flash that we never saw.

Middle Finger: 15

The Cat wants to do it again, but the kids yell that they see the crate.

The kids try to shut the crate, but they do not have enough strength to shut it at this point and Sally starts getting sucked up by it. Conrad grabs his sister stands on top of the crate lid. He tells Sally that he can’t reach the lock and hold onto her so she has to let go. She trusts her brother and does so, which allows Conrad to put the lock on the crate, which ends that problem.

However, the structure on the ceilings fall so the house is now a bigger mess.

Luckily For Them, The Ceiling Doesn’t Fall On Them At All.

Lawrence also comes out of the house’s hose tap.

The Cat seems to want to have some more fun, but the kids see how messed up the house is and are done. Oh and by the way, the Cat was lying about the hat not being his anymore so he could have taken care of this whole mess, but didn’t care to.

They call him out on this BS and are basically done with his antics so they tell him to leave.

The Cat leaves dejected and the fish says this may not be the best time to say he told them so, but he did tell them so.

Flush Him Down The Goddamn Toilet

The kids try to clean up, but know they aren’t going to get the place cleaned up before their mom gets home. Conrad is resigned to the idea that he may end up in military school and Sally thinks she may end up joining him. They also are willing to stay together to take the blame and hold hands while accepting that they are brother and sister, and they wouldn’t want it any other way.

The door opens and they think it is time for them to face the music, but it is instead The Cat with a machine that cleans up the place.

He reveals the small clauses in the contract that they signed. One clause said that if Conrad opened the lock to the crate (which he know he was going to do), the whole contract about having fun without getting into trouble would be null and void. However, if the two should learn from their mistake, the contract shall be re-instated. So yes, they will not be getting into trouble as cleaning begins with a godawful cover of The Beatles’ Getting Better by….now what band could this film get that had their 15 minutes of fame gone a while ago by the time this film was released?

Of Course It Would Be Freaking Smash Mouth

And just for this song, I have to give this film this.

Middle Finger: 16

And as this song continues, this film gets one of these.

And since I’m sure Game Show Garbage’s Cyndi Seidelmann would also see this as stupid, this song gets one of these.

And since I’m sure Tooncrap’s Raymond Gallant would be see this as dumb, it gets one of these.

And I know my good friend DigiRanma would look at this stupefied, it gets this.

And I’m sure more people would give this a facepalm as well, I just don’t have enough time. Well....I can say one more thing where The Cat mentioned how this cleaning came with uptempo pop tune for the soundtrack, which is very important. 

Middle Finger: 16

The Cat leaves after seeing that both kids’ ability for fun is Just Right.

As Joan enters the house, she is amazed to see that the house is really neat. Mrs. Kwan says the children were angels after waking up, but Lawrence comes in to try to tell the truth.

A Real Messy Lawrence Who For All The Care He Took To Make Himself Look Decent, Failed To Do That At This Most Crucial Of Time

Of course, he is shocked by how clean the house is and keeps saying how much of a mess these kids caused today with some large cat. Conrad goes and tells Lawrence how the asshole neighbor is looking, which is good for the ex-rule breaker. Lawrence says that Joan is passing up a great opportunity with the military school, but Joan disagrees. Joan tells Lawrence that he needs to leave, but Lawrence has one last ditch effort to save himself.

He Gets On His Knees And Asks Joan To Marry Him

Of course, with the ruse all up in smoke, Joan dumps his ass and closes the door on him. The house warming party begins and Humberfloob says that it is great. Joan asks Sally what she put in the cupcakes since they are a hit. Sally says you can make cupcakes out of anything and leaves it at that. After the party, Joan joined the kids as they jumped on the sofa.

We also find out that the narrator is actually the Cat the whole time.

The Cat dances as he leaves the neighborhood with his Things.

And the movie mercifully……..and I really do mean mercifully, ends.

So how did this movie do? Well, you would think this film would bomb, right? No, it didn’t. While it was a disappointment for Universal, it got #1 in the box office in its first week and made back its budget of $101, 149, 285. The reviews for this film is where this film died. It has a 9% on Rotten Tomatoes (while the best Leprechaun film Leprechaun 3 has 0%) and every critic savaged this film with words like betrayal and insult. Alec Baldwin would defend the film, but that wouldn’t save it from the Razzies as it got…

*looks at notes*

One Razzie and that was for a special category that wasn’t used again. How the hell did this not get more Razzies? What piece of shit came out this same year that would be worse than this to critics?

Oh….I See. I Sense That 2003 Was A Bad Year For Movies.

Also, the widow of Dr. Seuss hated this film so much that they were not allowed to make live action adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book as long as she was alive. While that still didn’t stop them from making shit animated films based on Dr. Seuss books, another live action atrocity has not been made since. But sadly, Audrey Geisel passed away on December 22, 2018 and  you bet, since she is dead, they will eventually make another live action Dr. Seuss film. You just know it is coming. Hollywood always plays the waiting game and wins in the end.

As far as the cast went, only one person suffered and that was Bo Welch (the director) who has never directed another film in the 16 years since. Mike Myers (who played The Cat In The Hat) would suffer for his bad films when 5 years later, the Love Guru bombed.

Alec Baldwin (who played Lawrence Quinn) would go on to become Donald Trump for SNL. Dakota Fanning (who played Sally) would continue to be in stuff like 2004’s Man On Fire, 2005’s War of the Worlds, 2009’s Coraline, and The Twilight Saga films. Sean Hayes (who played Mr. Humberfloob/voiced the goldfish) would only become known again when Will & Grace returned to the air and he got back to being Jack. Dan Castellaneta (who voiced Thing 1 & 2) is still voicing Homer Simpson and others in The Simpsons. Victor Brandt is still doing voice work and probably most well known as General Crozier in the short-lived Metalocalypse.

And finally, nobody passed away so there is that good moment.

Now for my final thoughts and yeah, this movie is every bad thing you have heard about it. While the set design are good, the acting is bad, the jokes are cringeworthy, and more importantly, this is a complete betrayal to Dr. Seuss’ most famous character. I really don’t feel like saying any more as this isn’t worth my time. And sadly, we will get more Seussfuckery eventually as Universal would continue to make garbage out of Seuss’ works.

Okay, so NegaSeth….I finished your first part of this gauntlet of suck. Give me part 2.

Well, Congrats On Getting Through Part 1. But Now The Real Stuff Begins Because I Remember All Of The Stuff That You Have Said Was The Worst You Inducted And Guess What, Current Plans Are You Will Be Inducting Films That Continue Their Stories. First, We Continue The Story Of Sparkling Vampires And Werewolves With No Shirts In A Series That Has Needed To Be Revisited For A While Now.