Sunday, September 27, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: The Horror Of Party Beach (1964)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Horror Of Party Beach
The Horror…..The Horror

I’m sure everyone had a party for some special event so it is very fitting that we induct a movie with the word “party” in the title. Unfortunately, when you look at the monsters in this movie, it’s painfully obvious how badly done they are. Another problem is the acting…..because it stinks. Also…..the film is poorly lit. What do I mean by that? Well, you could barely make out certain important things at times, which becomes a headache. In fact, the lighting was so bad that during the Mystery Science Theater version, the producers have had to change the lighting on the TV screen so you could see the images. There will be more to talk about, but right now, its time to review the movie

We enter the credits with a car driving. In this scene, it looks like the guy is driving naked.

Must Be An Ancestor Of This Guy

For those of you who don’t know who Joe Cullen is, I understand. But sports fans would better know him as the drunken assistant coach who pulled up to a Wendy’s drive-thru completely naked.

After that, we see a biker gang driving on the same road, obviously trying to get to the WCW Road Wild pay per view. Tina, the girl in the car waves at the bikers while her boyfriend Hank tells her to knock it off.

Hank and Tina park the car near the beach where there is a party going on. While the car is parked, Tina takes a big swig of booze from a bottle. Hank tells her she has had enough alcohol and of course, she doesn’t listen. I am caught thinking to myself that somewhere that crazy ECW fan from ECW on Sci-Fi #2 is yelling at Hank to let her drink all she wants. They get into an argument over the booze which can tell you that this relationship is rocky at this moment. They end this argument with Tina stating that she plans on living life without him. Meanwhile, in the middle of the sea, a couple of guys are dumping barrels of radioactive wastes into the water. Unfortunately, one of those cans starts leaking. And here comes the funny part, a skull gets turned into a fish-plant monster. How can you tell it is changing? Simple, the scene goes fades in and out to show the transformation. The legs and arms start moving and finally, the eyes. The eye opening scene is very great because it looks like they stole from The Incredible Mr. Limpet. We see another monster and it looks like he has eaten way too many hot dogs.

This Guy Could Give Joey Chestnut A Run For His Money

We then move back to the party and we get the shocking revelation that these guys are wearing thongs. Trust me, it’s an image you don’t like to see if you are a straight heterosexual male. Meanwhile we see a band playing a song while people are partying. The sad news is…..this is an actual band (The Del-Aires).

Unfortunately it seems that the Del-Aires are a rip-off of the early Beach Boys as they sing “Joy Ride”. During this singing, we see a woman shaking her butt in granny panties. Also two guys are looking at this shaking butt and one of them asks if he remembered to bring his hot dog buns. Tina is watching all the dancing and decides to steal another girl’s spot in the dancing area. We see Hank not happy with what is going on and the girl who had her spot stolen goes up to him. From the look the two give each other, it’s obvious that they know each other. Suddenly, the biker gang shows up and decides that they want to dance as well. The sad part is one of these bikers is wearing a beret, which probably signals he is from another country. Tina notices the bikers and begins dancing with the leader. In the party, we see a guy and a girl making out. Suddenly, another guy comes in and taps the kissing dude on the shoulder telling him to get lost. He does and the other guy decides to start kissing the girl himself. She doesn’t mind of course which tells you how loose these women are.

Hank just stares off into the nearby pile of rocks near the beach. What he doesn’t see though is one of the monsters coming out of the water. Okay…..I have to ask the public. What in the blue hell kind of monster is this supposed to be? Here, I’ll show you a damn picture

Meanwhile Hank is approached by the girl who had her spot stolen by Tina. We find out that the girl’s name is Elaine.
During this brief, very intimate conversation. Hank realizes that Tina is dancing with the leader of the biker gang.

Hank is obviously not down with Tina dancing with the leader of the gang and tries to stop it. The lead biker is not happy and a fight breaks out between the two. The fight begins with the lead biker sucker punching Hank and then knocking him down. As an insult, he decides to kick sand in Hank’s face. Hank is not happy with that and proceeds to give the leader a monkey flip.

Hank tries to leave but the biker hasn’t had enough yet. He tackles Hank and the fight continues. When it seems that the biker is in trouble, his biker pals decide to interfere, holding Hank back while using their friend as a battering ram into Hank’s stomach. Hank’s friends decide to help Hank and we see some very bad fighting involving acrobatics, because in every fight scene, you will see someone trying to be an acrobat. A big strong guy decides the fight has gone on long enough and forces the fight to end. The biker and Hank shake hands signaling that the fight is over. Tina then tries to talk to Hank, but Hank leaves her behind. The bikers also let their leader leave her behind. Angry at the rejection, Tina decides to strip down to her beach attire and go for a swim. The party continues as if nothing happened. The band begins a song called “Zombie Stomp” which sadly has me wishing that the Taliban militia put a stop to this.

Genesis Could Dance Better Than These People

Meanwhile, Tina swims to the rock formation and she runs into one of the monster who proceeds to kill her in a gory fashion. While Tina is being mauled, a couple is too busy kissing near the beach. They stop only when the woman asks the guy if he believes kissing is unhealthy. He says he doesn’t know because he has never been sick. After killing Tina, the monster decides to go back into the water. While the Del Aires are playing “Wigglin’ Wobblin’” A scream is heard and the whole beach party runs over to see Tina’s mauled body.

The scene switches to the sirens and the police talking to Elaine’s father, Dr. Gavin about Tina’s murder. The police give Dr. Gavin a sample of the DNA that was left behind by the attacker and leave. While speaking to her daughter, we run into the same problem as Manos: Hands of Fate…..someone speaking and their mouth not melding with the dialogue. Obviously this girl was good looking and has a terrible voice so they dubbed it with someone else’s voice. We then find out that even the dad has been dubbed. Not this crap again.

Elaine reveals that she has feelings for Hank but doesn’t want to get involved with him just after his girlfriend had died. Meanwhile, Dr. Gavin is speaking to his maid Eulabelle, who is the token black woman. She says that voodoo is involved with this whole mess. Dr. Gavin is met by his daughter who he thought was going out tonight. Elaine said that she decided against it since it was just another slumber party. Dr. Gavin tells her to inform the slumber party that she wouldn’t show up.

Meanwhile, the slumber party is around setting all the traps for would-be panty raiders. They are phoned by Elaine, telling them that she will not be able to make the party. While disappointed, they decide to continue to have fun, including singing and a pillow fight. Unfortunately, the believed panty-raiders end up being two monsters and all of the slumber party is killed. The monsters decide to take some of their kill while leaving the rest behind.

The next scene is of a nameless family watching TV. The news reports on the murder at a slumber party even saying that there may be an invasion from the sea. They report that there was a survivor even though we wouldn’t have known that. The report also says that scientists have converged on the town to deal with the threat. We even see a scene where a paperboy is trying to get people to buy the paper by saying some of the news.

We move on to three girls in a car driving towards New York City, they hear about the murders and still decide to go by a gas station. At the gas station, they see what they believe is a hot gas station attendant (don’t ask my opinion; I’ve never judged the attractiveness of guys). They ask for the fastest way to New York, and he tells them of a shortcut through the woods. They listen to the gas station and end up with a flat tire in the woods. As they are trying to fix the situation, they are attacked and two of them killed by the monsters. Well, at least these women tried to run from the monsters. One of the women survived by locking herself in the trunk.

Back at the Gavin household, Eulabelle is talking to Elaine about lightening up. Elaine sees a voodoo doll with Eulabelle and teases her about the belief in voodoo. She says that the voodoo doll is of one of the zombies. The problem with that for a voodoo doll to supposedly work, you need a DNA strand of the unfortunate victim which means that she either stole a strand of DNA from the sample of the monsters or the filmmakers have no idea how a voodoo doll works. Hank comes in to try and go on a date with Elaine. They go to a restaurant, where the Del Aires are playing again. This time they are playing “You’re Not A Summer Love” which involves a slow dance scene between Hank and Elaine.
Meanwhile, at a quick stop store, two ladies are leaving and are waiting to be picked up by one of the two ladies’ brother. While waiting, the two ladies are about to be attacked by the monsters when the brother finally shows up and the two ladies leave. While the monster is regretting not killing those two ladies, he sees a mannequin in a dress. He breaks open the window and tries to steal the mannequin. The monster gets his hand stuck and cut off as he leaves. Dr. Gavin finds the glove and immediately gets it to his basement lab for testing. They find out that the creature is a mutated protozoa. Dr. Gavin, Hank, Elaine, and two colleagues hear noises which they think may be the monster. It isn’t the monster, but instead is Eulabelle. Eulabelle sees that hand and freaks out, knocking over a jar of sodium onto the hand. The hand dissolves and the scientists think they may have found their answer.

Meanwhile at a bar, two men are kicked out for being drunken morons. These two try to drive their cars, not remembering that drunken people can’t drive and run into each other. They leave the cars and decide to walk home. They don’t go far before they run into a van. They see the guy in the van, but find out that he is dead.

They are then attacked and killed by the monsters. There is a montage involving more deaths with the news report talking about them and thinking there may be a way to kill them. I guess Dr. Gavin has failed to tell people that sodium kills the monster and decides to do nothing. Actually, it seems Dr. Gavin is trying to have more tests with the monster. It’s annoying since we know that the monsters can be killed with sodium and yet they do nothing. They do find out that the monsters were created by radioactive wastes dumped in the water. After all of this useless dialogue, they finally decide to look for the monsters and use sodium.

Dr. Gavin tells Hank to call all the chemical companies in the area in hopes that they carry a lot of sodium. Meanwhile, there are maps spread around the authority figures to find the water where the monsters are. So far they have no luck in finding the monsters. Hank finds out that he will have to go all the way to New York City to find the sodium. Meanwhile, Elaine decides to try to find the monsters at a quarry nearby. She finds out that the monsters are there, but unfortunately the monsters find out that she is there as well. Elaine tries to escape, but gets her foot caught in a rock. She gets her foot loose, but is cornered by the monsters. She is almost going to be killed before Hank and Dr. Gavin come to her aid. Dr. Gavin is attacked by one of the monsters, but Hank uses sodium to kill the monsters. More monsters are killed using sodium as we head back to the house. At the house, we are given good news that Elaine and Dr. Gavin are okay. The movie ends where Hank and Elaine show that love triumphs over all.

Now this movie was the second black and white movie I inducted and luckily, it wasn’t as bad as the first. But almost anything could be better than Monster A Go Go. This movie does have problems that have plagued past inductions like dubbing, bad acting, a poor script, and delaying the plotline. This movie also is plagued by absolutely horrible lighting so you really had to watch this movie with the lights on. If you don’t, you might end up with a huge headache and not understanding what is going on. The filmmakers understood that this was a bad movie and in fact, made this part of a double feature when it was paired with Curse of the Living Corpse. Yep, back in the 60s, when filmmakers didn’t think a movie they just made wasn’t good enough….they put it with another movie and tried selling them together.

But let’s not dwell on all of the bad and let’s celebrate whatever great day that calls for celebration. So enjoy that beer, eat those chips, use those streamers, and above all else……

Eat Alot Of Hot Dogs.

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