Saturday, September 26, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Santa's Slay (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Santa’s Slay
Whoever Bought This Movie Got Coal

For every Christian, Christmas may be our favorite holliday. Every little boy and girl are up watching very good Christmas movies. There are plenty of them. Not only do you have classics like Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty The Snowman, Santa Clause Is Coming To Town, The Christmas Story, and that cartoon version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas (my personal favorite) among others, you have new classics like Elf. However, sometimes we find a certain stinker every holiday season. Today, we induct a certain stinker that is a slasher movie. This movie is known as Santa’s Slay.

Santa’s Slay is a movie starring Bill Goldberg as a killer Santa Clause. Now Bill Goldberg is a big man who if he grows a beard looks like Saint Nick. However, there are plenty of problems with this selection of Saint Nick. The biggest problem of all is that Goldberg, as you can tell by his name, is Jewish. Now, unfortunately the problem with this is that most Jewish people do not believe in celebrating Christmas. They believe in Chanukah. Now, I don’t have a problem with them celebrating Chanukah instead of Christmas. However, rarely do you see a Christian playing a key Chanukah figure in Chanukah movies. The filmmakers probably should have done their research.

They could have gotten plenty of Christmas believers to play Santa Clause and you could get a buff person as well. You could get the Big Show, who was a thug in the Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad crapper known as Deck The Halls. You could Balls Mahoney…

He Was Xanta Claus In Mid 90s WWE

Or you could get the Big Red Machine Kane because not only does he look like a perfect killer (which he did a good job as in See No Evil, despite the movie being terrible)…….

One Of His Gimmicks In Memphis Was As The Christmas Creature.

But the people decided to take Bill Goldberg and they made a crappy movie with him. But enough of my problems with Goldberg as Santa Clause before someone reads this and thinks I am a Nazi. Let’s Begin this induction.

We begin this movie with a family sitting in front of the fire at a dinner table and having a Christmas feast. Virginia Mason (played by Fran Drescher from The Nanny) comes out in a dress that makes her look like one of Santa’s three hoes. She has a turkey and sits right next to Jason Mason (played by Chris Kattan). Yes, Chris from SNL fame is in this movie and he is with his wife Gwen (played by Rebecca Gayheart).

Rebecca has been in several horror movies and has been in several teen movies. Gwen Mason also has two sisters who are played by Alicia Loren and Annie Sorell. We then go to the center of the table and we see Virginia’s husband, Darren Mason (played by James Caan).

Darren begins to berate his wife’s cooking skills and tell her that he hopes this turkey doesn’t taste like a shoe. We then see a very sickening scene of Jason Mason, trying to hit on his wife’s mother. Darren is onto this weasel’s game and threatens to shove a fork up his ass. Now that is the James Caan we all know and love. Virginia tries to change the topic by having one of the girls say grace. She does and thanks the lord for not having her family be Samoan. With that, we hear someone on the rooftop. Dear God, I am hoping we get a cameo from Samoa Joe so he can kick some sense into this girl

Unfortunately for us, it is Santa Clause (played by Bill Goldberg). Fran looks at him and asks if it is Santa Clause before doing her horrifically annoying laugh. Santa Clause responds with the following

Santa: Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Clause

Santa Clause looks at the small toy of a dog and kicks it out of the house with a kick that would make Gene Snitsky proud.

This Time, It Wasn't My Fault!

Santa rolls right over the table and stabs Darren’s hands to the table. One of the two daughters then faints and inconveniently has her neck impaled by a sharp end. How did that get there? We will never know. Santa then drinks a bottle of alcohol and blowing on one of those fire starter things, sets Virginia hair on fire. Jason decides to grab a set of balls and challenges Santa to a fight. But of course, being that Santa Clause is Bill Goldberg and Jason is Chris Kattan, the ending is pretty obvious. After Jason does some dance moves to go into fight mode, Santa kicks him into the glass drawer. Virginia has recovered from having her hair on fire, long enough for Santa to grab her and drown her in a bowl of egg nog. Damn it Santa, you ruined a perfectly good batch of egg nog with a horrible excuse for an actress. Santa proceeds to knock off a table leg and uses it to bludgeon poor Gwen to death, who before getting killed says she had been good.

Not Good Enough....

The other daughter, the one who said she is thankful for not being Samoan tries to run away. She fails as Santa grabs the star on the top of the Christmas tree and successfully throws it at her back in ninja fashion.

Santa then goes back to Darren, grabs a turkey leg, and shoves it into his mouth, choking him to death. This is of course sounds very brutal, but of course James Caan has dealt with worse ways to die (just watch him be basically turned into Swiss Cheese by guns in The Godfather).

After that, we get the opening credits, which show Santa killing people and having to be nice to children. Meanwhile, at Hell Township, we see a young boy working at a deli, telling an old senile lady what is in the Holiday Hoagie. She for no reason shows the kid no respect and berates him for having gum in his mouth. The manager tries to be nice to the lady and gets berated by well by her. While the old lady is driving, she is driving on a deserted road and is being tailed by Santa Clause, who by the way has a buffalo instead of reindeers as his ride. Santa tells the old lady to “Move Bitch, Get Out the Way.” Well, she tells Santa to go suck something. He decides to rear end her off the road, killing the old hag.

Meanwhile, back at the deli, the manager gives the two teenagers a gift for working so hard. He gives the girl Mac (played by Emile de Ravin) a Wisconsin snow globe and gives Nicholas Yuleson (played by Douglas Smith) a clock which tells time in all of the time zones. The deli manager then puts up a menorah, which tells you he doesn’t believe in Christmas. The two kids drive off and decide to listen to some Christmas rap music. During the car conversation, Mac notices that Nicholas isn’t too much into the holiday spirit. He explains to her that he has always been disappointed every Christmas so he doesn’t look forward to it anymore. She drops him off at his house, where he unlocks the door and calls out for his Grandpa.

Grandpa seems paranoid because he has three locks on the front door and an alarm system. The lights go out and Nicholas goes to find his Grandpa. Grandpa shows up and reveals that he has a bunker. He also shows him one of his inventions, a nutcracker that shoots bullets.

Meanwhile at an alley, Santa Clause is out trying to get some charity money when some punk threatens to cut him if he doesn’t give him the money. Santa then stabs the punk in the forehead with a candy cane. He throws the punk where he belongs, in the garbage.

Back at the house, Grandpa reveals his hatred for Santa Clause is because Santa is the son of Satan

At a church, Pastor Timmons (played by Dave Thomas of Second City Television fame) asks for charity and says he doesn’t want coins in that bowl

Take Off, Hosers

Pastor Timmons decides to take this charity bowl and steal the money for his own purposes, namely going to a strip club and getting a lap dance. After he enters, Santa Clause decides to make a visit to the strip club. He gives his valet the keys and wants to go inside. The usher decides to not allow Santa in so Santa kills him with a Christmas wreath. Santa goes into the club and kills all the strippers, guests, and staff members.

He Has No Problems Though With Forcing A Kiss On One Of The Strippers Before Killing Her

Luckily, Father Timmons makes an escape. While Santa leaves the strip club, he sees that his buffalo has eaten the valet and laughs.

Back at Grandpa’s home, Mac and Nicholas watch some demolition derby. Nicholas pisses off his girlfriend and she leaves. Nicholas then goes back to the book and reads about how Santa was challenged and defeated by an angel in a game of curling. For this loss, Santa must give charity and presents for 1,000 years. This of course is shown in one of the worst claymation animations that I have ever seen. It is then revealed that the 1,000 years of being good is up and now he is going to come back to his old ways with a vengeance. He goes to the site that normally tracks Santa every holiday (which is called GONAD, how funny). He finds out that the tracking site is not real.

It is now Christmas Day and we see an old couple walking to a nearby manger. Suddenly, Santa Clause decides to run over the manger and destroy it while passing the old couple. Meanwhile at some random house, we see two brats who obviously never got any discipline bragging and wondering about the presents. The two kids open the presents and get their heads blown off. At the church, Pastor Timmons is playing the hypocrite game of berating the strippers of the strip club as heathens, but mourns their loss as it is the right thing to do. Santa then decides to break into the old deli. He finds out that the manager is Jewish and doesn’t celebrate Christmas. He gives the manager is trusty spear maneuver and impales him with the menorah. He bumps into a bunch of Amish people and just growls at them. This must have been hard for Goldberg to do since he is Jewish himself.

Meanwhile, Nicholas is at a gas station and asks the attendant (played by Tommy “Tiny” Lister aka Zeus from the WWE) for some chewing gum. The gas station attendant tells him he has no chewing gum and the closest thing he has is nicotine gum. He also explains that there is too much violence in the hood so he just moved here. Nicholas goes to the deli and finds his manager murdered with the menorah. The manager, before dying, tells him that there is a Santa Clause. The cops then proceed to arrest him. Meanwhile, at the police station, he tells the police chief about Santa Clause. He berates him for this theory and forces him to leave. Meanwhile, Santa kills the police chief with a taser. On the deserted road, the police car pulls Nicholas and his girlfriend Mac over. It is seen that Santa is in the car and goes onto the truck. Nicholas then finds a shotgun and with some teaching skills from Mac, shoots Santa. Santa of course is not dead and whistles for his buffalo. They enter Grandpa’s house and hide in the bunker until a bunch of carolers come. The two kids try to warn the carolers, but they don’t listen. They do listen however when Santa comes up from behind and kills them

They head to the bunker as Santa breaks into the house and finds the bunker. Santa breaks into the bunker as they escape from a secret door that leads to the garage. Grandpa distracts Santa so the two teenagers can escape. Santa then kills Grandpa by having him run over by his buffalo. Santa laughs say Grandpa got run over by a reindeer. However, since Santa doesn’t have any reindeer……..damn it, RD Reynolds already used that joke.

Santa then gets on his sleigh and chases after the kids. While chasing them, Santa throws present bombs at them. As Santa and his buffalo get close to them, the girl decides to punch the buffalo in the face. They run through the center of Hell Township and Santa is close behind. The center of town is full of people including Pastor Timmons. He then takes Pastor Timmons captive and continues to follow the two teenagers. The teenagers break into the school, where there is for hockey rink inside. At the chimney of the school, Santa enters. We find out during another chase that Santa breaths fire. He chases them to the hockey rink and has them corned with a zamboni when Grandpa comes back and reveals himself as the angel who forced him into the deal to begin with. He challenges Santa once again to a curling contest. Santa then creates a hole to hell. The deal is that if Santa loses, he must be good for an eternity. But if Santa wins, Grandpa must jump into the hole and go to hell. Santa then decides to balk on the deal and throws Grandpa into the hole. Nicholas tries to be smart and say to Santa that his time is up since the time zone in Greenland is over. Santa laughs and explains that the North Pole is where all the time zones meet so Christmas isn’t over until Christmas is over all over the world.

Nicholas then shoots Santa with a chestnut from his special nutcracker. Santa then retreats while killing Pastor Timmons with a hammer.

Nicholas and Mac go to the ski rink and propose that the men kill a reindeer. They agree since they all have been dreaming of doing such. Mac’s father comes by and shoots the buffalo with a bazooka. They see that a guy in a Santa suit is impaled to the flag pole. It is revealed to be Pastor Timmons, everyone lives happily ever after, and the movie is supposed to over….or is it. At an airport, Santa who now goes by Satan (like the hockey player) is in a biker suit. He goes on a flight that heads to the North Pole. The movie ends with him at the airport.

After the closing credits, watchers are given a special treat of seeing Santa saying who is next.

The reason that the buffalo was used was because of production costs. The director originally wanted CGI demon reindeer and then wanted 9 buffaloes, but both were too expensive. So they had to go with the one buffalo and deal with that.

This movie is seriously bad and yet funny at the same time. This movie was very cliché and despite having a lot of cameos, they didn’t do much of a service to the idea of a killer Santa. If you want a better movie about a killer in Christmas, I suggest you see Silent Night, Deadly Night or Black Christmas (the original, not the bad remake). For the filmmakers who made this horrible movie, I suggest Santa give them something special.

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