Saturday, September 26, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla vs Megalon (1973)

Monster Crap Inductee: Godzilla vs. Megalon
Cockroaches and Black Chickens…..Oh My

Last induction, I received some complaints that they liked the Incredible Melting Man and feel it shouldn’t have been inducted. Well, the irony is the next induction is a movie that I am guilty of saying I liked it. This is actually the third Godzilla movie I bought and I own them all. However, just because I liked this movie does not mean it will avoid induction because while I may have liked it, I can admit that it was still crappy. So without further ado…..its time for me to induct a guilty pleasure of mine, Godzilla vs. Megalon

We begin this movie with the introduction to the world map, which you can always find in your atlas or social studies textbook. They reveal that on a small island in the Pacific Ocean the second underground nuclear test took place. Umm….filmmakers, could you give us a clue as to where this island is and what it is called? The second nuclear test ended up sinking the whole island. They say the effects of the radiation where effective even on far away Monster Island. Okay…….how far away are we talking about here because from my vantage point, it looks like the island wasn’t that far away. We then see streamers so the little kids can think that the murder of several monsters is equal to the fourth of July.

The people at Toho decided that the next scene would be better and we get the annoying little kid with the shorts that ride up near his ass. He is on some stupid floating gizmo and is playing in the water. Meanwhile, the two adults who are both men are watching the young boy play and drink soda pop. What……does Vince McMahon have something to say again? Oh…..I’m sorry, it’s Rosie O’Donnell. Speak up Rosie.

Look We Know These Two Men Are Gay So Don't You Dare Pick On Them

Ummmm…..thank you. First you have to out Clay Aiken and now you are going to out these two gentlemen. Why? Because they are raising a kid all by themselves? Just then, an earthquake hits and a whirlpool is created. No….not a Jacuzzi you dense people, a real whirlpool that sucks up anything in the water. This makes the two guys realize that the boy should come in. Wait a minute…….did that guy just call the boy Roxanne. I am sadly starting to believe fat Rosie was right about these two’s sexuality. No……they said Roku-chan. Sorry for the confusion.

Anyways, Roku-chan’s little floating toy is going in reverse and is about to get sucked into the whirlpool. We now see blue lights in the water which is starting to make us believe this whirlpool is instead a vortex to a new dimension. Now I think that kid should go in headfirst into the vortex and find new alien species.

On second thought, try not to get sucked into the dimension. Anyways, the good news for the boy and the bad news for the rest of us is…..he gets saved by a rocket with a rope that is becomes tied to the floating device. Now the two men pull the boy into land as if they were playing tug-o-war with someone. They take the boy off the floating device and just let the floating device get sucked into the vortex. I hope Krang has a pool somewhere.

Yes, I Have A New Swimtoy Now...

The two dads and the kid are driving home with upbeat music that makes us wonder why the upbeat music after a terrible event. We then get a lecture about the evils of Nuclear Testing. I thought the fact that Godzilla is alive would make us realize nuclear tests are a bad idea. Guess not. Before they enter their home, one of the dads has the audacity to say it would be funny if the earthquakes killed your robot. You know what would really make my day, if the earthquakes killed that little boy because he is incredibly annoying. The trio goes home to find that their home has been broken into. The two dads catch the two burglars and proceed to get beat up by the burglars. I might want to note that the two burglars look like an Asian Oscar Wilde and Bluto from Popeye. The two burglars lead but not before one of the dads finds a red diamond. Actually, I should stop calling them the two dads and call them by their names, Goro and Hiroshi.

We then have a chase scene which does about absolutely nothing to the plot. Now….when Goro is cleaning up the lab, you might notice that the robot in the middle of the room doesn’t seem to have a head. After this scene however, the robot will have back on his head. Obviously the filmmakers want us to forget that entire bit of the headless robot. The boy found some funny red powder which makes me wonder who the hell has been hiding the coke in this family. Back at the chase scene, we see a flame miraculously appear to slow down Hiroshi and lets the two burglars get away.

We then see Goro welding something. Meanwhile, the boy decides to take his baby rider out for a ride. The boy leaves as Hiroshi seems to look on with the look of a pedophile on his face. Goro reveals to Hiroshi that the sand they found was from Easter Island. They then show us why Easter Island is so famous.

Well…the two burglars from the previous night are driving along and they see the little boy on his Baby Rider. Meanwhile back at the house, Goro and Hiroshi has finished the robot and given him the name of Jet Jaguar. What they don’t know is the two burglars left a spy device that allows for their conversation to be heard by the two burglars. The doorbell rings and we see the young boy Roku-chan at the door sulking as if he got raped.

Goro and Hiroshi open the door and are attacked and taken captive by the two burglars. The two burglars report that they have captured the lab in the name of Seatopia to their boss, Emperor Antonio.

We then see a bunch of Seatopian women dancing as Antonio brings forth their god, the monster Megalon. He sends him to the surface with the instructions of destroying the Earth. I am actually surprised this guy is the Emperor as I always envisioned a terrorist group of water conservationists to be led by Al Gore.
I'm Super Serial...

Shut Up Al. Back on land, we find that Goro and Roku-chan in the back of a truck, tied up. The two burglars have taken over Jet Jaguar and are now going to use him for their evil doing. The Bluto burglar has the Goro and Roku-chan as the Oscar Wilde burglar controls Jet Jaguar. Hiroshi, who is still in the lab, is revealed the plans of Seatopia by the Oscar Wilde burglar. Hiroshi then escapes by beating up the Oscar Wilde burglar and knocking him out.

The escaping Hiroshi is now being chased by another Seatopian agent. After a short while, he is chased by a third Seatopian Agent, this time on a motorcycle. Hiroshi then goes off the road and down a couple of stairs in his car. He is once again followed by the two Seatopian Agents and they go down the stairs in a car and a motorcycle. The chase scene ends when a building falls on the two agents.

Now Megalon has reached the surface and has caused all sorts of widespread panic in Tokyo.

The truck carrying Goro and Roku-chan falls off a cliff so I guess the two are dead. Damn it…..they are still alive. They then have a remote control which overrides the laboratory and hijack Jet Jaguar.

They send Jet Jaguar out to find Godzilla and tell him what is going on. They are able to get Godzilla’s attention and get him to come and save the day. The Seatopians however have other plans and call aliens for the help of Gigan.

All Right, It's Gigan Time

Gigan comes and Jet Jaguar decides he has to hold both monsters off until Godzilla arrives.

I'm In Trouble

He doesn’t do a very good job as Megalon and Gigan beat the crap out of Jet Jaguar.

Goro, Hiroshi, and Roku-chan are reunited and go back to the lab. Using a remote control airplane and their fists, they beat up the Oscar Wilde burglar and take control of the lab. And we get to that just in time for Godzilla to come to the rescue of Jet Jaguar. Godzilla kicks ass and takes names.

Jet Jaguar Is Also Allowed To Kick Ass At This Point.

Of course, the battle reaches its climax when Gigan ditches Megalon and Megalon gets beat down by both Jet Jaguar and Godzilla, And one such scene that always makes me laugh because of how ridiculous it is, is of course this scene.

Megalon is destroyed and buried as the good guys win.

Thanks For Saving My Ass Out There, Godzilla

We then end this movie with the Jet Jaguar song, which Crow, Joel, and Tom Servo have been so nice as to translate for us.

Okay, we have now seen probably one of the most ridiculous Godzilla movies ever. If you own the American version, it is even more ridiculous because some scenes were cut out so that the filmmakers could get a G rating. The movie was the first Godzilla movie to sell less than one million tickets in Japan and was the beginning of the end for the original Godzilla series. The original filmmakers would create two more Godzilla movies before calling it off and ending the series. Thankfully however, Godzilla still lives on even today thanks to the diehard fans of the King of the Monsters. And like Matt Hardy would like you to believe about him, Godzilla will not die.

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