Saturday, October 3, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Zarkorr! The Invader

Monster Crap Inductee: Zarkorr! The Invader
Moviegoers Beware....This Movie Is Pure Hell

Well folks….it has been a long time coming and quite honestly, I never thought I would see the day come where I have inducted 50 films. 50….people. That is a lot of crap I have had to endure. But don’t worry; it has all been worth it because I have grown a bunch of readers in my short 2 to 3 years of doing this. Now, what film would be perfect for the 50th induction? Well… answer that question I went back to my original thought about doing this idea and one movie did come up from one reader and that film was Zarkorr The Invader. I mean, with a name like that… is exactly the type of movie that I have been ridiculing and making fun of. Oh, and the film doesn’t get any better as I have seen this film for myself. But this will be very hard for me because normally, I like to highlight a certain actor or actress in this film or someone involved with making this garbage. Unfortunately, while looking this up on, I found that no one that is recognizable and when you have people involved in this film with names Rhys Pugh (cant believe someone went with that name) and Deprise Grossman, you know you are in for one hell of an awful movie. Now let me read you the synopsis of this film from IMDB as well.

An "average" postal worker is informed by a tiny alien hologram which looks like a teenage girl that he is the "choosen one" to destroy a giant reptile to save the Earth.

Well….no offense to the average postman (I don’t want a postman going postal on me), but if you are supposedly the only one who can save Earth from a giant monster, we’re screwed. But I have taken enough of your time and since I have other things to do (like celebrate the fact that I have done 50 films), let’s get this review over with.

Now, before we even get to the opening credits. I want you to see the title menu for this movie as it has no special features and looks like something someone just crapped out with no creativity whatsoever. This should indicate how bad this movie is going to be.

Of course now we got to the opening credits and there is nothing of note that I haven’t already mentioned. Well….we begin this film in Mt. Aurora, California at 10:10 pm and how do we know this?

Because This Movie Tells Us So

On Mt. Aurora, parts of the mountain are shooting out like corks from a champagne bottle. Of course, we get the standard group of guys coming out to see what is going on and the mountain breaks open, releasing our titular monster, Zarkorr.

Of course, like any old giant monster movie, Zarkorr starts destroying towns and wreaking complete havoc. Now we go to Newark, New Jersey at 11:30 and once again we know this….

Oh yeah and might I add while looking at those buildings, they look like someone just took some cardboard and put it all together to just say “Here is your city”.

Of course in one of these apartments lives one Tommy Ward, who as you can tell by the outfit, works for the U.S. Postal Service and what does our grand hero watch??


While making himself breakfast since postal workers do wake up very early (I don’t know if this is true or not because my mail gets here at 3:00 in the afternoon). And while eating his toast, a little person appears. No, I don’t mean a midget or dwarf, I mean this person.

Of course, upon seeing this tiny person, Tommy Ward drops his toast. Hey…pick that toast up. Five second rule. Of course, this pixie wants to have a conversation with Tommy. She reveals that she is nothing more than a hologram being projected into his brain. I know they say something more high-tech than that, but that is my story and I am sticking to it. Of course, being that she is a hologram, he can still touch her.

Okay….I just want to go off course just a tad bit while Tommy is asking this pixie questions. Look at this face.

Does this look like the guy who is going to save us all from a giant monster? Hell, it would have been more believable if a certain Fratelli brother was to defeat this monstrosity.

Hey You Guys!!!!

Anyways, back to the story, this tiny woman tells Tommy that he has been selected by a coalition of intelligent species in the galaxy to defend Earth from an invader. She says that if he fails, he and the entire Earth civilization will be destroyed. Let me say this again, we might as well be screwed. Of course, like all of us watching this film, how in the blue hell are we to believe this?

Of course, Tommy asks the important question which is if she is an intelligent life-form, how come she looks like a “tiny teenage mall tramp”? Well, it’s supposed to be something that looks familiar and unthreatening to Tommy. After hearing that, I am starting to think Tommy is a pervert and might need to be locked up soon for his own good. He then asks what the meaning of life is, to which she responds that there is no meaning to life, it is just something I can’t understand so I will just interpret that life is just a coincidence. Abortions for everybody then.

He then asks if there is life after death and she says no. Unfortunately, this will be a pattern as there will be many more no’s said afterwards. He tries to be more specific and say do our spiritual beings go off survive even after their bodies die and once again, she says no. Man, this woman is such a downer man. He then asks if Wendy Sykes really likes him.

Anyway, the alien tells him that she doesn’t really like him and that she is using him to make Barney (who?) jealous…oh and she has been sleeping with George Winston (once again, we never know who these people are) to get better assignments on the side. This pisses Tommy off greatly and then takes his verbally confused rage out on the alien and questions her as to why a galactic whatever (his words, not mine) pick him to defend the Earth and says that there has to be people better suited to fit this job. You and me both are wondering that, pal, you and me both.
Of course the little alien confirms his suspicions and says that half of the people in the world are better suited for this job….and half of the people in the world are worst which means he is dead in the center, just the way they wanted it. He then asks who this invader is and she ridicules him for not knowing because every station has it….except, she realizes, the cartoon network. She tells him to switch, but just so you know, the cartoon network did pre-empt all programming when Sept. 11 happened so yeah, I think in real life, he would really know about a giant monster attack.

He then changes the channel to see a giant monster attack Aurora Valley, California (never heard of the area in my life). They say some more garbage, but you don’t come here to listen to the freaking news so it won’t be repeated other than that the monster is heading in a northeast direction, which if my geography is correct, would be the direction on how to go cross country to Newark, which are hero resides in. Oh, the governor….

Obviously Not Arnold....Or Else The Governor Would Have Terminated This Monster Himself

..has called the National Guard to deal with this monster. The news also happens to have their live feed back so we go to their reporter out in that area. Of course, because this monster is a complete jerk, the monster knocks falling buildings over, killing the reporter.

Of course, the anchor woman is trying to act like she sad, but she can’t even do that well. Typical case of acting 101 gone horribly wrong. Of course, he goes to the local Newark news station that is also covering this horrific incident. Anyway, she introduces us to Dr. Stephanie Martin, who is a crypto-zoologist from the University of Trenton and is an expert on the discovery of unknown animal life. Of course, when asked about this monster being a dinosaur, she says no. She of course can have a hard time saying things as she says “umm” several times. In speech class, they do take points away for using that word. Apparently, she did not get that memo.

Of course, Tommy flips a few more channels and we get the token Asian news anchor reporting on this monster attack…..because you know, when we think of giant monsters, we do think of the Asians. Of course, he goes back to Dr. Martin and after she is finished speaking, he is completely horrified. The alien, of course, asks him to turn the volume down. The alien wants the sound down so Tommy can hear her. Typical, whenever something big is happening in the news, someone always wants to talk about something. Oh yeah, and remember that whole hologram business? Well, the movie obviously forgot about that as well as this girl can pick up a pencil and throw it at him.

The alien gives Tommy the ground rules which are:

1. Zarkorr cannot be defeated by any earthly weapon currently utilized or in development by any armed forces on the Earth
2. The means to defeat Zarkorr do exist here on Earth and can only be found & utilized by Tommy Ward only within the limited time frame available.
3. Zarkorr has been designed to home in on Tommy and is currently on its way to kill him.
4. Course of action is strictly up to Tommy. He can use whatever resource he can find.

Of course, Tommy says that he though superior beings were supposed to be morally superior and says that there is nothing moral about this situation. She responds by saying that they are superior beings and their morale code allows them to do whatever they want. Somehow, I am starting to believe that these aliens might be our former U.S. president.

She does give Tommy a hint and the hint is that Zarkorr contains the key to his own destruction. Okay, I would ask when we decided that Zarkorr was a male and how we know this, but I don’t feel like looking under a monster’s legs to figure that out. Yes, I went there. Anyway, the alien leaves and Tommy is now off on his mission.

We then get more footage of Zarkorr on his path of destruction. At the local news station at 1:33 AM…

Tommy Ward pulls up and enters the station through the back door. Anyway, he disguises himself as a mail carrier (what do you think he was going to disguise himself as) to get to the wardrobe. Of course, the news anchor talks badly about Dr. Martin because she is a complete bore.

Tommy bumps into Dr. Martin and tells her about his situation. Of course, she doesn’t believe him and when he becomes persistent, security is called in. Of course, security tries to calm the guy down, but it doesn’t work as he grabs one of their guns and takes Dr. Martin hostage. Tommy tries to get away with his hostage, but the police are there and he is forced to take refuge in the men’s bathroom. Back in the studio, the cops are telling the studio director that they need to evacuate the building. The director tries to get someone to stay with a mini-cam because this is a huge story and the black cop asks him if the word no means anything to him. I wouldn’t if you hadn’t stapled the freaking word to my head at this point. The security guard who lost his gun tries to get in on the action, saying that it was his fault and that he wants to right a wrong by helping out. He of course receives the same answer of no.

The police head to the bathroom and tell Tommy to open up. Tommy responds by telling them to go away while saying that he is armed and that he has a hostage. Dr. Martin chimes in by saying that he is also a postal worker. This definitely freaks the black cop out (yes, there is a white cop as well, but he will come into this later). The cop tries to talk some sense into him and he explains his whole situation. Of course, the white cop believes Tommy and turns his gun on his own partner. This allows Tommy and the white cop to escape with Dr. Martin.

We go back to more scenes of Zarkorr destroying things as he reveals that he has lasers that come out of his eyes. Back to the cop car, the white cop reveals himself to be George. They get a radio and find out that the National Guard could not defeat the monster. Dr. Martin starts to now believe Tommy, but the communications radio reveals that the cops now know what Tommy has done and are looking for that squad car. George reveals that he can hide the car and hides it at a place in the New Jersey Warehouse District. Of course, if you also want to know the time as well as where they are hiding the car…

Dr. Martin decides to help and gets the three of them in touch with a person she knows. He is a crazy hacker with a nervous habit by the name of Arthur.

Dr. Martin reveals that he is a very good hacker who would be in jail right now if he had not erased his own indictment.

You Can Erase Your Own Indictment???

Arthur takes exception to being called a hacker and prefers “cybernaut”. While Arthur hacks in so he can look into the material on Zarkorr, he asks if Tommy Ward and Dr. Martin are going out. Dr. Martin denies any involvement of that kind. He then has fun with the ideas of Dr. Martin and George as a couple and also George and Tommy Ward as a couple. Arthur makes some other small talk, all the while nervously laughing and hacking. When Dr. Martin says Arthur’s jokes only get worse, Arthur counters by revealing that Dr. Martin lost her virginity to her Literature teacher, Bernard. Dr. Martin wants Arthur to shut up and Arthur responds by sticking his tongue out. Arthur continues to ramble about his accident where some kid ran him over with a scooter, but don’t worry, Arthur sued the kid and won some money for it.

We fade in and out as we are now watching Dr. Martin and Tommy watch the news on the monster’s path of devastation. We also hear some dope saying that the monster falls under the endangered species act so we can’t destroy it. When the interviewer tries to talk some sense into the guy about the monster killing loads of people, he still says that it doesn’t matter one bit. He then mentions that the napalm that was used may have not only hurt Zarkorr, but may have also hurt an endangered owl that lives only in that area. Yeah, like a giant monster was making things much better for that owl. Arthur is finally finished with his hacking and gives them documents to read, which film is thankfully not wasted seeing them read every single one.

And in the Arizona/New Mexico border, we get more destruction from our old friend Zarkorr. You know, I am starting to think that some of these monster attacks are being filmed in someone’s garage.

Back to the underground lair of one Arthur, Dr. Martin thinks that the monster is made out of pure energy and when told that energy doesn’t create footprints, she uses the fact that this is alien technology and anything is possible. Dr. Martin then asks out do you destroy a beam of light and the answer is you hit the off switch. Boy, we must be dealing with a giant electronic toy here. Tommy comes up with the idea of somehow before the monster coming out of the mountain, something turned it on and that is what they need to look for. Arthur tells Tommy to consider what he is looking done. You know, I seriously want to stab this Arthur guy more and more because he is starting to get on my last nerves. We find out that some seismic activity happened at 6:24 pm. Arthur checks the computers and we find out that at 6:24 pm, something crash landed in Williston, Arizona, which is 50 miles from where the monster first appeared. Arthur tries to make some witty remarks, but they fail to be witty whatsoever. They decide to go to Arizona to find Zarkorr’s “off-switch” and it just so happened that Arthur booked them a flight to Arizona and a rental car for them. Arthur tells Dr. Martin to get George and Tommy into some better threads and gives Tommy a global positioning receiver so he can find the supposed “off-switch”. Yeah, I don’t understand either.

Of course, they fly to Arizona and oh yeah, it is still night. How that is possible, who knows? They are now driving to Williston Arizona at 11:23 pm

Yes, I don’t want to explain the clock thing with this movie because 1) this time makes no sense with all they had to do and 2) if I even tried, my head would end up exploding like that guy in Scanners.

Anyway, they arrive at the scene and are greeted by the local sheriff. We also find out that the monster has changed course and is heading for Arizona. The sheriff reveals a saucer like object crashed into a diner.

The geologist reveals that nothing has been able to scratch this thing, not even a diamond. Tommy looks at the object and decides that he, Dr. Martin, and George should move the thing back to the car. When they get the thing into the trunk (it won’t totally fit so they have to tie it down), the sheriff demands some credentials. George starts to ramble on like a real government official. Of course, his rant works and they leave without any more trouble.

While they are driving away, George asks where they go now. Tommy tells them to head towards the monster. We see now that Tommy has changed somehow and that he knows exactly what to do.

Or He Has A Really Bad Case Of Diarrhea.

Once again, we go to Zarkorr who is doing more destruction.

Back to the driving scene and Tommy is now asleep. Boy, for some hero, this guy is pretty damn lazy. They are stopped by a road block and George uses the excuse that he needs to get his deaf mother out of dodge. The cop doesn’t believe their story and asks all of them to step out of the vehicle. Dr. Martin and George do step out of the vehicle, but Tommy doesn’t. He closes the door, hits the gas, and goes through the barricade. Meanwhile, we go back to more destruction from Zarkorr. Of course, we see some really crappy special effects where we can easily tell the people are running away from a projection.

Then we go back to Tommy, who has parked the car. He goes out back and grabs the object to use as a shield. Tommy calls Zarkorr out and Zarkorr takes the bait.

The shield works as Zarkorr’s own beams reflect back at him

And thus, the monster is destroyed.

Tommy is now recovering at the hospital where the local news is all over him.

After congratulations from Dr. Martin and George, the reporter then tells Tommy that there is a grass roots movement trying to draft Tommy as U.S. President (What!!!!!). He says no, but when asked his thoughts on the matter, he says that he likes the idea. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!! When the hell did we ever draft people to become the U.S. President? I don’t remember there ever being a World Leaders draft. And if there is, I have a draft expert who can tell us about the idea of this man being drafted as U.S. President. Mel Kiper, your thoughts?

Horrible Draft Pick

Okay…now for another expert on all things. Mr. Horse, your thoughts?

No Sir, I Don't Like It.

Now that is just two of the many people who think that having this dope as U.S. President is a bad idea. Anyway, enough with that rant, and we just end the stupid movie. But before I go, I am sure some people are wondering about the DVD’s trailers. Well, you get trailers to all four of these movies.

Yes, such films as Death Bed, Backlash: Oblivion 2, Jigsaw, & The Spirit of the Night aka Huntress (but you would never know because they don’t say Huntress anywhere). So yes, you get crappy trailers to go with your crappy movie.

Now as I said, I would love to see more about the actors, but most of these actors never EVER appeared in another film so you know how much in demand their talents were. Yes, folks….this film were that completely and utterly horrible. And you know what the worst part of this film is? This film may just be as bad as Monster A-Go-Go. Yes, I said it. It is that bad and it makes no freaking sense whatsoever. If you ever see this film, avoid it at all costs. That is all I have to say and hopefully, I will be able to get a film that while bad, is bad in a good way.

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