Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Jason X (2002)

Monster Crap Inductee: Jason X
Jason Voorhees……IN SPACE!!!!!!
2002

Well, with all the crap going on in my life (and how fitting all of this starts just when I am about to start this website), there are always films that no matter how down in the dumps you are; the film will get your spirits up. And hell, who says they have to be good films to get your spirits up. They can be awesomely bad and you can laugh at every single stupid thing the film brings to you. On October, I wanted to do one of those films on this site so I asked my viewers to pick one and of course, they did not disappoint. In fact, I gave them 25 choices and every one of them had somebody who wanted me to watch and talk about that film.

However despite every one of my nominations having someone second it, there was one film that was able to get more support than the others and to be honest, it was never a contest. That movie is the one that I will be gleefully inducting today in Jason X.

Jason Voorhees has always been an interesting character in the slasher genre because he has the unique look (the hockey mask) and has an infinite number of ways to kill people. And not kill people in the ways that someone like Jigsaw would kill people (allowing the victim to accidentally kill themselves). No, Jason was more than happy to do the hard work and get his hands dirty.

I already mentioned in an induction several months ago (Jason Takes Manhattan) that Paramount sold Jason Voorhees off to New Line Cinema with New Line Cinema having the great idea of having their iconic killer Freddy Kruger go up against Jason Voorhees. New Line was so confident that this was going to happen that at the ending of Jason Goes To Hell; they had Freddy Kruger’s claw show up and signify that these two were going to cross paths in the future.
Well, like most good ideas…..it went through developmental hell with all of the re-writes and changes and basically several years later…there was no sign of Freddy vs. Jason crossing paths. Because there wasn’t even a glimmer of hope of a Freddy vs. Jason movie at the time, New Line decided that it needed to remind people of Jason Voorhees and release a new movie. The problem was though that since Freddy’s claw was in the last movie, how in the hell are we going to have a Jason Voorhees movie with no sign of Freddy. Well during a staff meeting, one guy just threw up the idea that the next film could be in space. The reason for it being in space is that it would signify the distant future and with it being the distant future, we can have this movie come out first…but storyline wise, it would be after Freddy vs. Jason.

And that is how we got Jason X. Now of course just the idea of taking Jason Voorhees to outer space should be of filled with laughter, but New Line Cinema put themselves in this conundrum by having Freddy show up at the end of Jason Goes To Hell so blame New Line for the sheer arrogance of putting that out there. Oh yeah, and if there was any person out there who thought that putting Jason Voorhees or any monster in outer space as a monster out of his element, is a good idea and could possibly end in more than a awesomely bad film….go to the corner please because that is just dumb. Now let’s start with this creamy goodness of Monster Crap known as Jason X.


Well, we start with a shot of what looks like hell. Wait….am I watching Jason Goes To Hell???

No, I’m Not.

Instead all of this hell-like crap is the inside of Jason Voorhees right eye. Jason is getting drugged up and is being prepared to be cryogenically frozen.

Hey Ted, You’re Going To Have A New Roommate.

I should also add that this is already in the future year of 2010 (hey, this movie was released in 2002….lay off of them). And if you are wondering how I know what year this is, well…..I can only guess because unlike the other movies, this movie didn’t have the time to tell us. I actually had to look up Wikipedia for that and yes, I don’t know if that is 100% because of Wikipedia’s dubious past of people screwing it up.


Instead this film was nice enough to tell us that the government made a research facility in Crystal Lake and…


Jesus Christ!! Did they just decide that Jason grows a full set of hair or was the prosthetics crew lazy as hell? No offense, but Jason Voorhees through 9 movies only crew a few strands of hair and nothing more. Now I know the guy who plays Jason Voorhees, Kane Hodder has a full set of hair, but Jason Voorhees never did. Okay, okay…..back to the movie. I just have to bring that up because later on, I am actually going to give them some props.

But back to the movie, Jason Voorhees drugged up ass is just standing there all chained up and notices a security guard looking at him. Jason gives him a look with his eye that basically tells you….

What The Hell Are You Looking At???

The security guard decides that because he doesn’t like looking at Jason Voorhees mug, he is going cover Jason’s head with a jacket.


We are then introduced to our main character Rowan who is head of the team to cryogenically freeze Jason Voorhees. She sees that a group of soldiers are being led by Dr. Wimmer and….

Wait A Minute!!!!

That’s director David Cronenberg. He directed a ton of great films and yet, he isn’t the director of this movie. I know, I know……this may not be his sort of movie, but you are telling me that you have enough money to get David Cronenberg to do a cameo, but you don’t have enough money to get the director’s seat for him. Instead you got Jim Isaacs to direct this movie. Yes, you have the guy who directed great films like Rabid, The Fly Remake, The Brood, and Videodrome acting in this movie on a cameo basis, but the guy who had only directed The Horror Show (known as House III in the UK) and was basically just a special effects guy, he gets the director’s seat. Was New Line Cinema high as a kite when they made this movie? You can bet your ass I will be busting some skulls over this mess.

Back to the movie, Dr. Wimmer wants Jason Voorhees kept fresh and not frozen. Dr. Wimmer went over Rowan’s head and go the government to get Jason Voorhees moved to another research facility so they can research how he is able to be immortal. She objects and even asks if Dr. Wimmer is willing to risk innocent lives if Jason escapes. Well, he is brutally honest about being a jackass by saying that yes. He then mentions that he is sure though that the army guys he has with him are more than enough to move Jason Voorhees.

Rowan tries to convince Wimmer that this is a horrible idea and Wimmer basically says this is not up for discussion, basically hinting that he has won this argument. Back to the holding room and we see what we believe is Jason Voorhees still covered by that jacket. Dr. Wimmer wants the jacket removed and when they remove the jacket, we find out that it is not Jason Voorhees.


Instead, it is the security guard, who has been killed. Jason Voorhees is free and starts killing the military people. Jason Voorhees dispatches with them very easily with his chains and while Dr. Wimmer tries to run away like a coward, he gets a stake thrown at him by Jason. The stake hits its mark and Dr. Wimmer is killed.


Rowan hears some noise and decides to investigate. She is startled when one of the military men is thrown through the door. The man tells Rowan that he is sorry before he dies. She actually for some reason pauses to ponder why he is apologizing, but she realizes that Jason has escaped and when she turns around, she sees Jason Voorhees.

Hey, If Jason Can Teleport In Jason Takes Manhattan, He Can Teleport In This Movie Too.

Rowan takes the shotgun and runs away. We find out that Rowan has lead Jason to the Cryogenic Room, she hides and is able to surprise Jason with a few shotgun shots into a cryogenic chamber.



She seals the door and of course, thinks that the worst is over.


Not quite as Jason Voorhees somehow is able to get a machete (don’t ask me how he got it) and stabs a hole through the chamber and into Rowan. This hole causes a leak in the chamber and of course with that, the room is sealed shut. In the end, both Jason Voorhees and Rowan are cryogenically frozen.

We then move to the year 2455, we see that the Crystal Lake Research Facility has turned into a haunted house. We see a bunch of people in winter suits going down the stairs. They find the cryogenic room and because they see no viruses, they take off their masks. They see the chamber unit and one of them asks the others it is. The long haired one doesn’t really know what it is and another says that it is and basically talks like he is a complete geek. They decided to open it up and see the frozen Jason Voorhees.


There is one person (who will be the dumb chick in this movie) who doesn’t get what the hell is the thing that she is looking for. When the same guy who asked questions last time (who is Professor Lowe) asks what is on his face? The dumb chick (whose name is Janessa) then talks about it being a 20th century carbon filtration unit and the smart kid (whose name is Tsunaron) then says of course that it is a hockey mask. Janessa then asks “what is hockey?” Oh if you think this chick is going to get any smarter, she is not. Anyway, we find out that hockey was a sport that was outlawed in 2024. That’s right, hockey fans! Enjoy your hockey now because in 15 years, there will be no hockey.

Wayne Gretzky Is Not Pleased With That News

The long haired guy (whose name is Azrael) decides to touch things and when he is told not to touch things; it is too late because he has a coffee mug stuck to his hand. Tsunaron then finds another person who has been frozen and mentions that she is still able to be brought back to life. Azrael decides to use Jason Voorhees as a way to get rid of coffee mug stuck to his hand. He gets rid of the mug, but Jason Voorhees falls on him and he loses his arm. He screams while the woman who told us that hockey was banned (her name is Kay-Em 14…you will find out later) gives him some morphine and he calms down.

They go outside and we see what has become of Earth.

Yeah, Basically Earth Has Become A Desert Wasteland

They go to the shuttle…

Which Looks Like Something They Lifted From Star Wars.

We then see who the driver is and it is some southern guy named Fat Lou (even though he isn’t really fat).


I know this is supposed to be an induction of Jason X, but this guy makes me think….

Boy, Do I Need To Induct Space Truckers One Day

Anyway, they get back to the ship, we are introduced to a few more of our characters.

Sgt. Brodski

Krutch

Kinsa (Seen Here With Professor Lowe)

Adrienne (Who I Am Smitten With If For The Fact That She Isn’t As Annoying As Everyone Else)

Waylander

And Of Course, Sir Not Appearing In This Film

Thanks to the miracles of CGI, Azrael is able to get his arm re-attached.


While Adrienne and Kinsa are looking over the body of one Jason Voorhees, everyone else is preparing to resurrect Rowan. We are also introduced to Kinsa’s boyfriend Stoney (please let’s avoid the jokes on his name) and the two lovebirds try to make out in front of the Jason Voorhees corpse….because that so worked out for the coroner and one of his nurses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDUNmSM9TyM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aThWW8UOCD0

Anyway, Adrienne is about as creeped out by these two trying to get in on while there is a corpse in the room and sends them out. While the others are attempting to resurrect Rowan, Adrienne takes Jason’s left eye (the one that he doesn’t use much) out of his skull and he freezes it in liquid nitrogen.

The others successfully resurrect and when Rowan awakens the first thing she sees is Professor Lowe. What do you think is going to happen when a woman awakens to see a strange male over her?

He Gets Punched In The Face.

The first thing she asks when she is awake is if they got him and of course, they don’t know who she is talking about. However, instead of you know, explaining who she is talking about, she explains what happened. When she asks for how long has she been frozen, they reveal that she has been frozen for 445 years.

In another room, Professor Lowe gets into contact with Dieter Perez and because he needs money, he is wondering how much would a woman who has been resurrected after 445 years is worth. Unfortunately, Dieter tells Lowe that she isn’t worth much because they have resurrected people before. However, he explains that Jason Voorhees, for being a big time serial killer with a huge body count who just disappeared, is worth a lot of money. When Dieter talks about ownership rights, he states that he is the sole owner. When asked about the students, he states that they are just students and they don’t own a thing. He smiles about the chance that he will be rich soon before turning his contact to Dieter off. He is then interrupted by Janessa who wants to talk about her grades.

If You Know What I Mean

Back at the lab, Adrienne decides to take off Jason’s mask and we see Jason’s face.


Now this is where I give the makeup effects team some props. The guy now really looks like Jason Voorhees and not like just Kane Hodder in a hockey mask. They even made sure to cut his hair so he looks like he has a little less hair. Adrienne then surmises that there is a reason Jason Voorhees wore his hockey mask.

Next we get…..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Goggles, They Do Nothing!

To get out of this scene as fast as I can, Janessa is able to get Professor Lowe to tell her that she will be able to pass her mid-terms through this disgusting act of getting the guy off. Moving on, quick or as King Arthur from Monty Python and The Holy Grail would say….

Run Away, Run Away!!!

Anyway, while Adrienne decides to look at Jason’s left eye while Kinsa and Stoney decide to have sex. Also, Tsunaron tries to help Kay-Em 14 get some tits. She wants the tits because Janessa has them and Tsunaron said that is because she is a human being and not an android. Yeah, if you did not get from the name that Kay-Em 14 is an android and not a real person, this scene makes sure we get that. Of course, the tits don’t work and Tsunaron doesn’t want to complicate things because he likes Kay-Em just the way she is. While everything is going on, Jason Voorhees thaws out and awakens.


Of course since Adrienne is in the same room as him, she is the first one to be killed. Yes, the person (besides Jason Voorhees who I had the most interest in at the time is the first one of all of these future people to die). However, I don’t have a real problem with that because they do have her death be epic. In fact, showing this death in just pictures would not do this death justice so instead, I will give you a link to Youtube where you can see her death.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2wHTATk6MQ&feature=related

Yep, basically Jason has her face frozen using the liquid nitrogen and smashes it into a million pieces. A lot of people who have ranked Jason Voorhees kills have ranked this scene as #1 and I can not really argue that fact as it is really one of Jason’s most creative ways of killing someone. This and the sleeping bag swing death from Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood are the two best deaths in any Jason Voorhees movie. The problem with that is in the world of Jason Voorhees, having the best kill normally means that your movie is complete crap.

Enough with that, let’s get back to the movie. After killing the most interesting character thus far, Jason Voorhees takes the futuristic version of a machete or as you can basically see…a shinier version.


Professor Lowe gives Rowan a futuristic meal and tells Rowan that Earth 1 is dead so Earth 2 is now where they live. She tells Lowe that she caught Jason Voorhees in 2008 and for the next two years, they tried executing him with zero success. I am going to take a guess and say that one of those attempts was not blowing his ass into a million pieces.

They Already Tried That In Jason Goes To Hell.

Basically they finally decided that if they couldn’t kill Jason, they could contain him by freezing him. However, some in the government who were too smart for their own good thought that a creature that could not be killed is too valuable to be frozen and just file away. She then asks how do you thank someone who gave you back life. Looking at her, I think we could find ways. But the Professor just tells her that she is going to be alive for a very long time and they will figure out something.

Janessa tries to hit on Tsunaron and he basically rejects her. Professor Lowe comes in and introduces Rowan to the students. He also introduces her to the android Kay-Em 14 and Rowan compliments her by saying that she looks so real. When Waylander wants to put the machete somewhere, she finds out that they did bring Jason Voorhees on board. Professor Lowe assures her that Jason is dead, but a scene later…we find them wrapping up the body of Adrienne while Brodski puts the place on lockdown. He then has calls for everyone to head to the main room. Stoney tries to leave as Kinsa continues to dress, but as soon as he opens the door, Jason is there to meet and kill him with his machete.

I’m Sure Right Now That Stoney Here Would Rather See The Land Shark At The Door Instead Of Jason Voorhees.

Jason Voorhees drags Stoney away as Kinsa is in hysterics. Kinsa ells the rest what happened and Brodski decides that Jason Voorhees is going to be blown up beyond recognition. Professor Lowe asks what Brodski has in mind and the Sarge just tells the professor to bring his group to Lab 1 and stay there.

Meanwhile, we see one of Brotski’s men, Dallas (who is played by the script writer Todd Farmer) meets up with monsters who are basically CGI……

That Only The SyFy Channel Would Enjoy.

Dallas kills one of them and when he tries to rest, Azrael has to save his ass by killing one behind him. Azrael taunts Dallas, but Dallas mentions that he is still leading 9-3, but Azrael says then mentions that he has his groove on now. He then proposes that the next kill wins no matter what the score is now. Now I don’t know about you, but when we are dealing with monsters here, I wouldn’t care about freaking scores. Dallas agrees as one of the monsters shows up, but neither one is able to get the kill.

Because Jason Voorhees Decides To Kill The Monster Instead.

We then find out that this is all just an alien simulator and that this killer should not even be here. Jason kills both Dallas and Azrael…..or so we think for only a second. That’s because the simulation ends and we see that the two killed were only simulations of the two and the real Dallas and Azrael are sitting down.


The two realize that Jason Voorhees is not part of the game, but it is too late as Jason attacks. The two try to fight Jason and both are killed systematically.

Azrael Gets Snapped His Ribs Snapped In Two....

While Dallas Gets His Head Smashed Into A Wall

While Brodski is ready to meet his men, Professor Lowe tries to convince Brodski to only subdue Jason because he thinks Jason Voorhees is his golden ticket and basically bribes Brodski with $500,000. Brotski tells the Professor that he accepts and tells his men of the deal. However, he then says that after they destroy the threat, they must shoot him in the legs and say they tried. You know what, Brodski has now become a character that I am interested in seeing survive. Two of the soldiers immediately find the corpses of Dallas and Azrael and report them. We find out that the soldiers are Kicker, Condor, Sven, Briggs, and Gecko.



Jason almost kills Krutch, but Brodski and two of his men save him by shooting Jason Voorhees a bunch of times.

They try to find the body, but find that Jason is no longer around. They then tell Krutch to join the others in Lab 1 while the soldiers split up and search for Jason. Sven is the first to be killed by having his neck slowly broken.


Condor is then killed by being impaled onto a drill.


Gecko and Briggs find Condor and report to Brodski that he is dead. Gecko then finds Sven and tells the Sarge that he is dead too. In Lab 1, Rowan tries to tell Lowe to get the men out of there and he says that they know what they are doing. Gecko backs up and into Jason Voorhees, who slits her throat.


Kicker then is startled to see Gecko who walks a few steps, revealing her throat had been slashed, before falling over dead.


Jason Voorhees shows up and Kicker starts shooting at him. This forces Jason over the rail and into a set of hooks.


Kicker reports that he killed Jason to the fanfare of all but Professor Lowe. Kicker then proceeds to do what Brodski asked and shoots Jason in the legs to say he tried. Brodski warns Kicker to not take his eyes off him, but Kicker does so for a minute and that is all the time Jason needs to get himself freed from the hooks. Jason then rewards Kicker’s stupidity by cutting him in half. We don’t actually see the cutting because of a quick cut, but we can tell in the next scene that Kicker was cut in half.


Kicker tries to tell Briggs to get out of there before falling. Brodski is wondering where Briggs is, but we get that answer very fast as we see that Briggs was impaled on one of the hooks.


Jason breaks through the wall and grabs Brodski by the neck. Jason then stabs him through that wall.


Brodski taunts Jason by telling him it will take more than that to kill him. This guy should have learned to just play dead; but because of his arrogance, Jason stabs him again.


Brodski then falls to what we assume is his death. Lowe then makes a speech about how he did tell Brodski to not go in there and let the people in the space station Solaris take care of this. Of course, he fails to mention that he really wants Jason Voorhees alive so he can make money, but of course he isn’t going to say that. There is a banging at the door that startles everyone, but it is just Krutch so they let him in. Krutch wonders what the hell is going on and he gets told that all of the soldiers are dead. Lou goes to hyper drive and they are now seeing Solaris in their way. It looks like all is going to be okay, but Lou is driving this thing….

And Jason Voorhees Decides To Kill Him

With no one driving the ship now, the spaceship runs into Solaris and destroys Solaris.



The explosion causes a shockwave through the ship and now we have problems with the ship that if they are stuck for a long time, they will die. There is more banging at the door and this concerns everyone. Jason Voorhees decides that he won’t go through the door and instead goes through a window. Everyone runs, but Professor Lowe stupidly doesn’t move and wants to talk with Jason. Jason sees his old machete and grabs it. Lowe thinks that is all Jason wanted and announces that to everyone. Jason Voorhees then kills Lowe, but we don’t ever see how because all we hear is a scream from Lowe.

Everyone else wonders how they are going to get off this ship and Rowan even asks if they can beam themselves off the ship. Hehehehehehe……not a very joke on Star Trek.

Scotty Is Not Amused.

The students then remember that there is a shuttle on the ship. Krutch then mentions that he can do pre-launch from the bridge. Waylander follows Krutch while the rest head towards the shuttle. They run into a dead soldier and Rowan takes her gun. Tsunaron asks if she knows how to use a gun and she mentions that it is just like riding a bike. Janessa then asks what a bike is. There is another separation where Kay-Em and Tsunaron go get loaded just in case while the rest continue towards the shuttle. While grabbing guns, Tsunaron asks how their chances are and Kay-Em says that they aren’t that good. They make out and then she has an idea to make their chances better.

While going to the shuttle, Rowan, Janessa, and Kinsa run into Brodski, who they find out is still alive. Rowan calls for Waylander to help and he accepts, leaving Krutch all alone. Unfortunately, that leaves him open to attack from Jason Voorhees, which Jason is more than happy to take.

Jason Was Kind Enough To Show Us What He Did With Lowe.

With everyone hearing Krutch getting killed, Kinsa panics and locks the door to the shuttle. We then see what Jason Voorhees does to Krutch to kill his sorry ass.


Kinsa activates the shuttle, but since it is still locked to the fuel lines. With that issue, the shuttle crashes into ship killing Kinsa.


Afterwards, the crew is cornered by Jason Voorhees, but they are saved by Kay-Em 14, who has received an upgrade that allows her to kick Jason Voorhees ass.

Nice Chance If Any To Rip Off The Matrix Look

Before I continue, I wish to say that for some reason, I love that Tsunaron just came in and taunted Jason by calling him Slappy.

Is He Comparing Him To Slappy The Squirrel From Animaniacs

Or Is He Comparing Him To The Dummy From The Goosebumps Books?

We will never know, but that line always gets a chuckle out of me. Anyway, how bad does she kick Jason’s ass you ask? Well….

He Gets His Arm Blown Off

Then He Gets His Leg Blown Off

Finally He Gets Part Of His Head Blown Off

Oh and just to add final insult,


She Throws The Machete Into His Stomach.

Talk about overkill. So basically the Jason we know of gets killed. They go and heal Brodski when another rumble occurs and we get the bad news as the hull is bleeding out and the only have a short time to live. That gets overridden by some good news that the spaceship Tiamat has received the distress beacon and they are ready to get them off of this ship. That is then overridden by more bad news as they only have 30 minutes left and the Tiamat can only get there in 45 minutes. Waylander tries to say that, but Janessa interrupts him and say that they should still try to save them. Rowan points to the fact that if they move to a different part of the ship and blow the rest off, they might have more time.

They all agree and Waylander tells them to keep course to saving them. What they don’t see is the computers going haywire and deciding to heal and upgrade Jason Voorhees who is conveniently placed on the table due to where he landed. When they go to blow the rest of the ship off, they run into this newly upgraded Jason Voorhees.


I just want to say this now, but this may forever be my favorite look for Jason Voorhees. The way they changed the mask and stuff is awesome and they were nice enough to make sure Jason doesn’t have anymore hair. Also, look at the eyes.


Basically when I first saw this, I was like one of the lead members of Jason’s posse saying “Aw shit, now you’ve done it. Now my man Jason here is going to have to kick your ass.” Kay-Em decides to see if she can still kick Jason’s ass with her guns, but no such luck. We then get a deeper look into Jason’s eyes.

Bitch, Please!!!

Kay-Em then decides to punch and kick Jason, but that does nothing. She tells everyone that they might want to run now before Jason knocks her head off.


Okay, Smokey from Friday, if you please?

You Just Got Knocked The Fuck Out!!

Thank you, Smokey. Anyway, Tsunaron grabs the head of Kay-Em while Rowan tries to fight Jason (who we will now call Uber-Jason). Waylander tries to help, but Jason decides to punch his lights out. He tosses Rowan and starts beating the crap out of Waylander. They all decide to retreat behind a door and leave Waylander with Jason. Of course they forget the detonator, but Waylander decides to sacrifice himself by pressing the detonator blowing him and Jason Voorhees up along with most of the ship.




Well, it looks like Jason is dead and thus our movie is over. Everyone else seems to think it is. Kay-Em even makes the corny joke that she would clap if she could. Yes, despite Kay-Em losing her body, she is still alive. We then see the Tiamat, which is just a freaking shuttle preparing for rescue.

I’m Not Yet Dead

Yes folks…Uber-Jason is not dead from the explosion as he punches a hole through the ship that causes it to suck things backwards. Janessa gets stuck and tries to get to a safer place, but it is too late. Before dying though, she says one last line that critics everywhere have used when killing this movie.

Janessa: This sucks on so many levels.

She then gets sucked through the small hole and is dead. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see any of the gory details because this movie pussies out on us. We only get….

This

And This

That is bullshit. Even Leprechaun 3, while a direct to video movie gave us more than this with that one girl who is blown up by being too big.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYgFV_dfQWc

You are a theatrical release and basically you couldn’t do anything with this. That is pathetic.

Moving on, the survivors go into the next room and mourn the loss of Janessa. Uber-Jason then enters the ship as if the space vacuum that killed Jason has no effect on him. They run into the main docking bay. Tiamat has boarded Grendel, however the door to the docking bay has malfunctioned. Brodski decides to use a space suit and go outside to fix the docking bay door. Uber-Jason is coming towards them so they decide to use a simulator atmosphere as a diversion. They set the simulator out so Jason is in old Camp Crystal Lake again. Uber-Jason looks at his surroundings, confused as to what is going on.

One Minute, I’m On A Spaceship And Now I’m Back Here. What Is Going On???

However, there is a single cabin and the door to the next room and out of the simulated world is in the cabin. Jason however sees Tsunaron through the window and is heading towards the cabin. Tsunaron decides to make another diversion of two teens from the 80s using data they have on that time period.

Somehow, I Don’t Think The Future Is Looking Too Kindly At That Time Period.

They then go ask Uber-Jason if he wants to drink some beer or smoke some pot or have pre-marital sex. They love pre-marital sex and to show so, they take off their shirts so we can see some boobs. Sorry guys, but I am not showing you their tits. Look at Uber-Jason when he sees all of this.

Really??? I Don’t Remember Kids Being That Dumb To Just Offer A Guy With A Mask Beer, Pot, Or Sex.

Okay, Now You Are Making This Too Easy For Me.

And of course like he did in Part VII in that famous death scene I was talking about earlier. He grabs the sleeping bag while they are still in it and slams it. Okay, there may be a small difference between the two. In Part VII, there was only one sleeping bag and he swung that against a tree. Here….

There Are Two Sleeping Bags And He Slams On Sleeping Bag Into Another.

Since both of those simulations are dead, he continues towards the door. They then remark on how quick he killed those two and talk about the fact that he is good. You know, Jason Voorhees didn’t get to the body count of how many people you said he killed earlier on by just killing them one at a time. They try to open the docking bay door again and this time it works.

The simulation is over and Uber-Jason breaks through the door. They go to the docking bay and Uber-Jason tries to follow, but Brodski decides to close the door….leaving Uber-Jason and Brodski alone to fight while the ship explodes and the Tiamat escapes with the three survivors.


And so our movie ends with….

It’s Not Over Yet For Me!!!!

Yes It Is!!!

Brodski grabs Uber-Jason and both fall towards Earth-2. Rowan marvels at how much Earth-2 looks like Earth-1. We then see Brodski and Uber-Jason falling towards Earth-2 and getting burned up in the atmosphere.


We then go down to Earth 2 at a campground where two kids are marveling at the shooting star. They see that it landed in the lake and of course, they decide to check it out. In the lake, the Uber-Jason mask falls to the bottom and this is supposed to signify that Uber-Jason will now be haunting this Earth-2 camp.


But this never went anywhere as this movie bombed big time and is now the biggest bomb that a film involving Jason Voorhees has ever had. That is really a shame because this could have continued the series past Freddy vs. Jason and Earth-2 could become the new stomping grounds for Jason. In fact 3 years later, Black Flame (a subsidiary of Games Workshop) began publishing a series of paperbacks based on the Jason X universe and from what I heard, those books are actually a good read. In fact, I will say this…if this movie was released straight to DVD; the people at New Line Cinema could have been looking at a success rather than a failure. This in fact could have been a spin-off of the Friday The 13th series and this storyline would not have gone to waste.

This would sadly be Kane Hodder’s last movie as Jason Voorhees because in Freddy vs. Jason, they replaced him with Ken Kirzinger for some stupid reason as Ken was not even close to being as good with the Jason role as Kane was. Then they would do the remake to the movie with Derek Mears donning the mask and I have to say, Derek Mears is definitely great as Jason Voorhees and since they are making a sequel to that remake, Derek will be donning the mask again…only becoming the second person after Kane Hodder to play Jason Voorhees more than once. But honestly, it is a shame this was Kane’s last shot at Jason because you can see Kane Hodder’s personality as Jason more than you can on any of the others. The way Kane moves his head before moving his body and the way is eyes move to signify his reactions make us believe that Jason Voorhees is an unstoppable and unremorseful killing machine. And in the end, that is what we want from Jason Voorhees. Of course, I should state that Kane Hodder is a horror icon and he makes a damn good living doing conventions while not having a hard time finding roles.

Now that isn’t to say that everyone else (who weren’t as good as Kane was) had trouble getting roles either. Lexa Doig (who played Rowan) and Lisa Ryder (who played Kay-Em 14) both got their big break on the science fiction show Andromeda. Chuck Campbell (who played Tsunaron) got his big break on a science fiction show called Stargate: Atlantis. Boyd Banks (who played Fat Lou) has a bunch of stuff on his resume since Jason X. David Cronenberg would go back to the directing chair and have 2 of his next 3 films be nominated for the Academy Awards. Todd Farmer (who played Dallas and wrote this damn script) is still able to find work as an actor and write scripts for both The Messengers movies and My Bloody Valentine 3D. Peter Mensah (who played Brodski) may not have done as much as Boyd has, but he is actually probably the most recognizable out of any of these other people (besides David Cronenberg). He had big roles in Tears of the Sun, Hidalgo, and The Incredible Hulk, but most of you might remember him as…

The Messenger From 300

Yes, the guy who says “This is Madness” and gets kicked into the pit of death. That is Peter Mensah. Yeah, he has no problems finding work in big films.

My final thoughts on the film are this. This movie suffers big time on a terrible script and a terrible director. Otherwise, it is an awesomely bad movie. I am not going to blame any of the actors (especially Janessa) for the terrible dialogue because that was written by one Todd Farmer who was probably more concerned with writing himself into this movie instead of writing a good script. Now I mentioned that if this movie would have been a direct to DVD movie, this might have been successful. However, I will state that the only reason this got to theaters was because it had Jason Voorhees in it. And while James Isaac may see David Cronenberg as a mentor, he is certainly not even close to being as good as David Cronenberg. But if I ignore the bad dialogue and the bad directing, I actually enjoy this movie. It is cheesy and actually does very well with the whole “Jason Voorhees is in outer space” angle. Plus that Uber-Jason costume is awesome as all hell.

But I should also mention that Mad TV did the Jason In Space angle first and better...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0PkZfVEAlM

Well, since the next induction will be in November, it seems that there will be no late Halloween inductions. Yep, no possible way that masks will play a role in our next induction. No way that the movie that barely squeaked by with 5 votes could possibly involve the time of All Hallows Eve. Am I right?


I am wrong then…..

2 comments:

  1. Jason X and Jason Goes to Hell are bad movies (i own both of them) but Jason goes to Manhatten (another movie i'm sad to own) will be the one Friday the 13th movie i own that will keep me from watching this series ever again.

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    1. You might be shocked to learn that I actually find that Jason Takes Manhattan to be my 2nd favorite Friday The 13th film because of just how bad and laughable for me it is. It is one that I watch multiple times and love to riff on.

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