Saturday, October 3, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

Monster Crap Inductee: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
Only Next Generation That Works Is Star Trek

Now I am sure that you are reading the first three words and are asking me, “Seth, how can you induct Texas Chainsaw Massacre? That movie was awesome”. Well, I am here to tell you to read the next three words and you will know why this movie is being inducted. Originally, I thought this movie was a remake of the original horror movie that was great, but unfortunately….it is supposed to be a sequel. Yes, this is supposed to be after Leatherface: TCM 3, which in that film the only thing noteworthy was that Viggo Mortenson was one of the crazy rednecks. Now imagine him being a redneck in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That would mean that Arwen would be one of his relatives, the hobbits would playing banjos, Gimli would be a drunk sitting on the rocking chair, Legolas would be screwing a sheep, and Boromir would be holding a shotgun.

That's Enough To Make Any Lord Of The Rings Nerd Puke

Anyways, not only is this sequel to a great movie, but it also has Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger. Matthew McConaughey, despite being crazy out of his mind a lot of his mind and on weed, is a damn fine actor.

Renee Zellweger is also a great actress who ten years later would walk away with an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for playing a Southern girl in the movie Cold Mountain. So with those two (both born and raised in Texas), you would think this would be a passable film. Well, we are about to find out why it is being inducted on this site. But before I do, I want to warn those Texas Chainsaw Massacre freaks that if you loved the original film, you will absolutely detest this film. Now, let’s get to the movie.

Before the movie begins, we are given the information above as a prologue. And of course then, we receive the date to which this whole situation is supposed to happen. And finally the opening credits begin.

Thanks For Telling Me...Oh Wise Movie
The real story begins with Jenny (Zellweger) putting on some bright red lipstick. Of course, she then wipes it off and puts on her dress. Why is she putting on this dress, you may ask? The answer is it is prom season. Of course, she has a date for the prom and it is this guy who might as well be gay in my opinion, judging by the way he looks.

Of course, then we get to the prom where some guy who is taking a leak outside is surprised by one of his friends, for which the leaking dude gets pissed and goes after the friend who surprised him while he was doing his business. Of course, the greeter at this school has a flaming accent that makes you think he is gay as well.

Then we see another woman named Heather who you can already tell is going to annoy you with her voice. But you just can’t help but not notice that because her friend is even worse an actress than she is. This woman can’t seem to remember her lines and stumbles all over the place. Heather then gets greeted by Jenny and Sean. She asks them if they have seen Barry, who is supposedly her date. Outside, this flaming guy tries to sound all macho by talking about a woman’s ass and how fine it is supposed to be. Okay….dude, we know you are gay, stop trying to hide it and accept who you are. He even goes as far as to call the woman’s ass like a battleship.

Heather is still looking for Barry, and finds him making out with another girl. Of course, this pissed Heather off as she yells at him and tries to run away. Barry tries to catch up with her and finally does as she lets him in the car. Barry tries to explain that it wasn’t his fault that he was kissing that other chick and even goes as far as to blame Heather for his infidelity. Note to guys out there, when you are making out with another chick and get caught, do not blame your girlfriend for your actions.

Wow....The Douchebag Meter Readings Are Off The Charts!
He also says that if guys don’t have sex, they get prostate cancer. Oh boy, the excuses this guy comes up with. We then find out that Jenny and Sean are already in the damn car and Jenny mentions that Barry is lying. Barry gets pissed even more when they get tapped by another car and says his father is going to kill him. Is it me or did they just look at the character of Barry and say we need the most generic of jocks out there? Jenny than informs Heather that you can’t get cancer from not having sex. Barry still stands by his story and asks her how she knows since she hasn’t had any. He even calls her ugly and Sean sticks up for her. He even says that his father is a doctor so he knows what he is talking about. Okay, even in high school, I think almost everyone knew that you weren’t going to get cancer by not having sex. Then Heather says that it is her fault for not having sex with him. Wow…….Obi Wan, does the Jedi mind trick work that well?
Not That Well...

Sean of course says it is all a lie since he lived across the street from Barry for several years and the best Barry can do is say that Sean has never had a hard on in his life. Sean tells them about Barry’s big line to get women to have sex with them and this really makes Heather mad. Barry then admits that he is lying and that it’s not a big deal. You know, as a person who has lied before, I can tell you that especially on a message board, you never live that crap down. Heather then wonders what happens if they get into a huge crash and they all died. She says that people can write a song about them and even Gary tells her to shut up. They then see detour signs and take the detour. The detour leads them to be crashed into by another car and their car gets stuck in the ditch. Of course, the other driver tries to tell them that he isn’t hurt before passing out. Let me tell you as a guy who has seen people get stuck in deeper ditches than these people are in that all of those people in my neighborhood push their damn car out of the ditch. But because we need to continue the plot, the filmmakers just tell us that there is no way they can get the car out of the ditch.

Jenny wants to go get help, but says that someone needs to stay with the passed out guy to make sure he is okay. Sean, being the guy that he is, decides to stay behind. Heather gets kind of freaked out and mentions that she has had dreams about some guy following her through the woods and that it is coming true. She also mentions that they are all going to meet their end at the hands of a serial killer like that guy in Chicago who killed people and put their hearts in refrigerators. Umm….I looked this up and such a guy does not exist. Now Jeffrey Dahmer did do that, but it was only for his last victim and he did this crap in freaking Milwaukee, not Chicago. Actually, I believe Milwaukee is several states away from Chicago. Of course Barry has trouble with the flash light and when he gets it to work again, they come across the body of…..

Okay, I have no idea what that is. It looks like a freaking dinosaur and how the hell a dinosaur makes it in 1996 Texas beats the living hell out of me. They find a house and are all thankful except for Barry, who still says that his father is still going to kill him. They meet a woman named Darla who hears about their situation and calls Vilmer to take care of this accident.

I'm Sorry, But I Am In The Middle Of A Bad Movie So Can You Call Me Back Later?

She then mentions that Vilmer is her love or something and mentioned that as soon as she got boobs, every peanut farmer she knew thought he was god’s gift to women. She gets Vilmer finally on the phone and tells the three that Vilmer is going to take care of the situation. Of course a rock is thrown at the window which scares everyone but Darla, who proceeds to flash them her breasts in response.

Back at the crash scene, Vilmer (Matthew McConaughey) finally shows up with his pickup truck. When Vilmer gets out of the car, we hear some strange sound and we soon figure out that Vilmer has a robotic leg. I am not making this up; Vilmer has a leg that is robotic.

When Sean asks if the guy is okay, Vilmer tells him that the guy is dead.

Don't You Dare Ask About My Robotic Leg!

When Sean refutes his claim, Vilmer then breaks the guy’s neck and says that he is now. Sean then realizes that this guy is insane and tries to run…..on the road, against a truck that is going in reverse. I don’t know about you, but when there is a guy with any type of vehicle chasing you in the woods, you more likely than not enter the woods, you won’t get run over. But as I said, Sean stays on the road, so he gets run over by Vilmer who runs him over several times until Sean is dead. You know, so far, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t play that bad of a crazy Texas redneck. But somehow, I feel that will change soon.

Darla tells them that Vilmer is on his way and when they ask about the service station nearby, Darla tells them that the crazy old man there will shoot first and ask questions later. While on the road, Heather tells them to stop as her feet hurt. Of course, a truck passes by and doesn’t pick them up. Barry and Heather go after the truck as Jenny continues towards where the crash was. As Jenny is all alone, she hears footsteps in the woods. Of course, Jenny gets attacked by a flying plastic bag, which sadly reminds me of Epic Movie when the one girl is having trouble with plastic wrap and that you should keep it away from dumb white people.

Meanwhile, Barry and Heather are still after the truck. Heather of course has more theories about their upcoming murders and doesn’t appreciate that Barry calls her dumb. She even mentions that she acts dumb to get people to like her. Okay… which world do you exist where people think you are cool because you are stupid? Barry blames Jenny for this whole night, but Heather blames herself by saying that she is a b****. Of course, Heather also says that Jenny has a body to die for a gym class.

Meanwhile, Jenny is still on the road looking for Sean. She is at where the crash would be and there is no sign of either car nor is there no sign of Sean. It is at this point that he flashlight dies out.
Back to the adventures of the worst couple I have ever seen, Heather and Barry finally find the truck at an old house in the woods. When they knock on the door, no one answers so Barry decides to look out back. Barry of course runs into the driver of the truck, W.E., who has a gun and quotes famous authors.

While Barry is out back, Heather runs into Leatherface (this guy does the worst impersonation of Leatherface I have ever seen). Heather is caught by Leatherface, who puts her in an icebox.

Barry is led to the front door, where W.E. loses him when Barry closes the door on him. While Barry is in the house, he sees that the place is a total mess. Barry then finds the bathroom and decides to take a piss, but doesn’t flush the toilet.

That's So Rude

Jar Jar; get the hell out of my review before I kill you. Anyway, of course Barry sees something that scares him and goes running towards Heather. Unfortunately, he runs into Leatherface, who kills him with a devastating hit with the sledgehammer.

Don’t worry this wont be the last time we see them copying methods of death or injury from the original film. Leatherface then drags Barry into the same room where he left Heather. Leatherface takes Heather out of the icebox and hangs her on a hook.

Meanwhile, Jenny runs into Vilmer, who offers her a ride and she accepts. He of course freaks her out by talking about how one serial killer was such a wuss for killing people a certain way. To scare her even more, he shows her the back of his truck, which contains the bodies of Sean and that other guy.

She runs away and actually decides to run into the woods so he doesn’t run her over. Vilmer stops and warns her that something even worse than him is even deeper in those woods so of course, Jenny decides to go deeper in the woods.


My thoughts exactly, Red. Well, as you may have guessed, she does run into something worse…..Leatherface with his trademark chainsaw. Leatherface chases her through the house from the front door and to roof. Of course, when Jenny thinks she has lost Leatherface, he is after her again in the woods. Jenny then runs into Darla, and she warns Darla of the crazy guy after her. Darma goes out and calls out the chaser. Nobody comes so you would think everything would end there. Well, you would be wrong as we find out that Darla is part of the crazy family. W.E. appears, quoting more famous authors, before helping Darma tie up Jenny, put her in a plastic bag, and lock her in the trunk. Of course, W.E. has fun shocking Jenny with a cattle prod.

Darla decides to pick up pizza because that is supposedly what crazy rednecks in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre eat. Yes folks…..these crazy rednecks are not cannibals, but instead eat pizza. Okay…..when did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles evolve and move to Texas.

Yeah, Try Getting Redneck Mutant Ninja Turtles Out Of Your Head.

Of course while ordering the pizza, Darla’s truck starts making noises so Darla stops and opens the garage to talk to a captured Jenny. Of course, there are police men behind her and these officers don’t have a freaking clue about what is going on. I don’t know about you, but when someone is talking to the trunk of their car, wouldn’t be the least bit suspicious? So Darla decides to poke a hole through the bag so Jenny can breathe and afterwards, the male officer tries to hit on Darla. After that, Darla leaves and we see a useless driving scene of Darla driving to the old redneck home. Of course, Heather has been able to get off the hook and is now crawling in the middle of the dirt road. When Heather asks for help, Darla’s response is to knock her out with a log branch. Now at the redneck house, Darla heads into the house while W.E. is chasing Leatherface with the cattle prod. Oh yeah….and we find out that Leatherface is supposed to be a transvestite.

Yes, in this movie…instead of being a crazy lunatic, Leatherface is a crazy transvestite lunatic. I have a question. When did Leatherface ever look like a goddamn transvestite? Did the filmmakers of the film look at Leatherface’s butcher attire and think it was a freaking dress? Anyway….Leatherface grabs Jenny and brings her inside while W.E. still shocks him with the cattle prod. Darla then tells W.E. that there is another girl down up the road. Inside the house, Darla tries to comfort Vilmer, but is somewhat pissed that the batteries for his cyber leg are not charged. Leatherface brings Jenny in the room while W.E. has a problem with Leatherface breaking the door. Darla and W.E. have argument about who has control in this household. Vilmer then pushes them both out of the way so he can get to Jenny. We then have Vilmer talking about how their family is part of a government conspiracy and you would think that would be just crazy talk, but you will find out soon that it isn’t. Of course, while he is taunting Jenny, I am starting to have had enough of this whole redneck family and the supposed innocent victims that I just wish a gosh darn flood just came in and drowned everyone’s sorry asses. While Darla has a conversation with Jenny, Leatherface comes in, dragging Heather. Vilmer then proceeds to bite a piece of Heather’s face right in front of everyone.

Darla takes Jenny to another room to freshen her up and goes on more about Vilmer and some conspiracy that goes past the government. Just more crazy talk…..huh? Yeah, at this point, it probably is. Vilmer comes in and throws Darla out so he can have some time with Jenny. He then says that he has a mind to slit her throat and tells her she has ten seconds to tell him why he shouldn’t. She comes up with the reason that for some reason, he wants her alive. Vilmer says that his a good answer and decides not to slit her throat. Damn it, I was hoping someone would die again. We get some more redneck infighting between Darla and Vilmer while Leatherface screams. Jenny then finds the shot gun and threatens to kill them all. Vilmer shows her some bullets and says that the shotgun is empty. After some more family infighting, Vilmer calls Jenny’s bluff and she pulls the trigger, but nothing comes out. Vilmer grabs the gun and shoots the window, and two shots come out. I don’t know about you, but if a shotgun doesn’t fire the first time, it isn’t going to fire a second time. After that, Vilmer does some grunting while having the gun that you would think the Matthew McConaughey was smoking some of that weed in this movie. Jenny tries to drive away, but Vilmer decides to car surf until she crashes the car.

As she tries to get out of the car, Vilmer grabs her from under the car, proving that you can’t kill a cyber redneck with a car. Vilmer brings her back to the house before knocking her out with the butt of the gun.

Anyway, we see that Leatherface has dressed in more female attire, which further goes to infuriate me on this whole “Let’s turn Leatherface into a transvestite” angle. Oh yeah, Leatherface has new hair again…..which shows continuity issues there unless Leatherface is actually a bald fat virgin. Back in the kitchen, Vilmer and Darla, who might I add are supposed to be related, start making out.

At the dinner table, we see what is supposed to be dead bodies of old relatives, which they show Jenny much to her horror. W.E. starts talking to the dead grandfather while Jenny tries to calm down. More crazy crap ensues that I really am not going to comment on. Oh wait….the dead grandfather is walking around with a knife for no apparent reason. And of course, we never see his sorry ass again. Vilmer comes back and lights Heather on fire. Darma puts out the flames as someone is at the door.

This man is named Rothman and he is part of the Illuminati. Yes folks, that crazy stuff the rednecks were saying earlier just happens to be true. Supposedly, the Illuminati want people to know what fear is. Okay…..what happened to the idea of a crazy cannibalistic family that became so unappealing that the idea of a family working for the Illuminati conspiracy would sound like a better idea. I wasn’t aware of anything like that. Oh yeah….that other guy is his chauffeur.

Jenny thinks that Rothman is here to help her, but she finds out soon that he is part of the conspiracy. He then goes to Vilmer and is supposedly mad at the situation because he wants these people to know the meaning of horror. I don’t know how any more horrifying you can get as a moviegoer, seeing a popular franchise getting butchered like this. Rothman then unbuttons his shirt so we can see this horrifying image.

Rothman goes over to Jenny and proceeds to lick her. After that, he leaves with his chauffeur. When he does, Vilmer takes out his frustrations on Heather by crushing her head with his metallic foot.

Vilmer then proceeds to cut himself while Jenny decides it is time for her escape. Unfortunately, Vilmer grabs her and has Leatherface taunt her with his chainsaw. But Jenny grabs the remote that controls Vilmer’s leg and Vilmer can’t seem to get up. Vilmer has a second control, but that doesn’t mean to matter as the first control still works just fine. Jenny runs again and is this time able to escape the house. Vilmer then has Leatherface go after her with his chainsaw.

An old couple just so happens to be out on their RV when they see Jenny running. They pick her up, but find themselves being pursued by Leatherface and Vilmer who are now in a truck.

The two crazies force the RV to crash, killing everyone but Jenny. Jenny continues her run while Leatherface and Vilmer decide to chase her by foot. I don’t know about you, but at this point I am screaming for someone to do something right (in this case, the two crazies should have still used the truck and run her ass over). A crop-duster comes in low as the two rednecks are chasing Jenny.

North By Northwest Did This So Much Better

If anyone is wondering what my reference to North By Northwest means, 1) what is wrong with you and 2) this is what I mean….

Vilmer stops when he hears the plane and the rotor slices Vilmer’s neck

Leatherface is sad to see Vilmer dead and screams like a little bitch. Suddenly, Jenny hears a beeping sound and sees a limo nearby. She enters the limo to see Rothman and can’t believe her bad luck. She thinks about escaping, but Rothman tells her not to worry. The limo leaves as Leatherface does the dance with the chainsaw that is so similar to the chainsaw dance from the original movie, except Leatherface is not in a dress. Rothman takes Jenny to the local hospital and when we get there, the police inform her that they will take care of it. And that is where this movie ends. Okay….wouldn’t you at least try to prosecute Rothman since he was part of this conspiracy? If you want evidence, check her cheeks for his DNA because he licked her there.

The Cast Of CSI Would Have Solved This Case In Less Than An Hour, Even With Commercials.

Now because of this movie, there never was another sequel to the series because let’s face it, how do you do a sequel to this film and justify it to Hollywood. Hell, the only way you can justify it another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie is by remaking the original.

Wait....Hollywood Already Did That And Made A Prequel To The Remake.

Now to news on the actors, today….as you already know, Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey are two of our finest Hollywood actors today who have no problem getting lead roles in movies, but what about the other actors? Well, most of them are still acting in small roles, but there is only one who isn’t acting anymore and that is Robert Jacks, the guy who played Leatherface. Not a lot was in demand for Robert Jacks as he only did one more film after this movie. I say that because in 2001, Robert Jacks died from an abdominal aneurysm.

Now while Joe Bob Briggs loves this movie, I will say that as much as I love Joe Bob Briggs, he basically loves any movie that is based on horror and has people getting killed in it. I have seen this movie and I will say that before this film, I told you that my most frustrating time watching a movie was my tenth induction, Chopping Mall.

But not anymore as this film, in its stupidity and lack of logic, surpasses that piece of garbage. Don’t worry as it isn’t the worst movie I have reviewed because I am able to see this movie again and laugh.

That Dubious Honor Still Belongs To Monster A-Go-Go

But, with the actors and the predecessors, this film should have been a lot better and I am truly mad that this movie was the piece of garbage that you would fear.

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