Thursday, October 1, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: The Mole People (1956)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Mole People
Someone Must Have Eaten Some Mushrooms

For those of you who have read my past inductions understand my opinion of marriages between two stars of Hollywood, I don’t like them. I mostly don’t like them because they make a mockery of marriage system when they almost always end in divorce and we have to hear about the custody crap all over the entertainment world. But something I hate more than that is when a guy who has no fame at all, meets and marries a Hollywood diva quickly. You may ask why I despise this. Well….it is real simple. Guys who have no fame whatsoever gain a certain “I can do no wrong” ego after the marriage. Just take a look at this chump for example.

His name is Kevin Federline or as he likes to be known as, “K-Fed”, and he is just an example of what I am talking about. He was merely a backup dancer who had fathered two kids with actress Shar Jackson when he caught the eye of one Miss Britney Spears.

While she was hot back then, and on a side note was for a time #1 on my list of female celebrities I wanted to have sex with, she and this idiot fell in love. K-Fed left his girlfriend and two kids to marry Britney Spears. Now what this has to do with the topic is simple. This guy gained that ego and decided, with help from his new wife, to become a rap star. It would be in that case that he would create one of the worst rap albums ever to exist.

Finally after realizing that this loser was turning her career in the wrong direction (although she did some of that on her own), she dumped this loser and has now become the crazy bald-headed diva that has completely fallen off my list. While I may like a wild girl once in a while, she is more psychotic than I can handle.

But for those of you thinking that Kevin Federline is going to graciously step out of the limelight, you can guess again. Why do I say this? It’s because this wasn’t the first time some idiot has done this. In fact, you can even go back to the 1950s when some unknown moron named John Agar was able to get lucky and marry America’s Sweetheart at the time, Shirley Temple. Well, this guy decided that he was going to pawn off his fame for some movie roles and low and behold, he got them.

However, after his marriage ended 5 years later, this lousy actor (and I say lousy because that is exactly what he was) would still be plaguing our movie screens with his horrible acting. And that is where we go to today’s induction.

In 1956, a film which was inspired by a made for TV Superman Movie called Superman and The Mole People was really an interesting commentary on how we would treat outsiders. However, count on Universal International Inc. to make a quick buck off of this by coming up with a movie called The Mole People. Now, they needed a leading person, someone who they thought had enough fame. I know….John Agar.

Yep, they decided that this schmuck should be the main actor in a crappy film. And using an interesting presence of an interesting culture known as the Sumerian people, they created a film. The Sumerian people were considered the earliest known civilization in the ancient Far East. They used a rich soil area known as the Mesopotamia to create a big culture, although unfortunately….that culture would end at the hands of the Babylonians under Hammurabi. And on the subject, the Mesopotamia has become the thing of news now because the land that used to be called the Mesopotamia is now known as Iraq.

Well, enough of that. Let’s get on with this movie.

We begin this movie some dumb scientist talking about several theories about the planet Earth. This whole lecture is long and boring so I’ll skip it, although there is one small bit where he seems to be trying to raise the roof.

But basically, he introduces our story as a fable. Sorry, home slice, fables have morals at the end…..
So Says Aesop

Anyway, we finally see the opening credits coming out of a volcano as if to say an eruption caused these credits. We then cut to somewhere in Asia. Now I don’t know where in Asia this is because they just said we are in Asia, which is supposed to narrow it down to 53 countries. We see that we are at a base camp for an archeological dig. Suddenly, some Middle Eastern guy comes up to them and says that they have to come with him quickly. There they found some sort of stone tablet and while one archeologist (whose name is Prof. Lafarge) says it is not possible and another archeologist (Dr. Bentley) corrects it’s not probable, saying that as an archeologist, everything is possible. They remove the tablet and another archeologist (Dr. Stuart) says that the tablet must be at least 5,000 years old. When asked who he thinks it’s from, Dr. Bentley says it is from the Sumerians. He goes into a diatribe about the crushing of civilizations and the front page of the newspapers, when Dr. Stuart is asking him for a translation. Basically, they mentioned that the King of Kings, according to the book Gilgamesh, was called Charo.

Coochie Coochie Coochie

The tablet basically says that if this tablet were removed or destroyed, the person who did this shall be cursed. Well, they did move it so the curse must be on them, right? Well, as soon as they finish this tablet, an earthquake comes and wrecks havoc. Unfortunately, the earthquake causes the tablet to break so they should be cursed again. After the earthquake, the archeologists complain about the work now being behind schedule while Prof. Lafarge says that we should be fortunate it wasn’t worse. Another archeologist (Dr. Bellamin) then makes a joke about the supposed curse, which isn’t the smartest idea in my book. Lafarge says that if the tablet is removed maliciously, the curse commences…..and since they aren’t malicious people, they shouldn’t be cursed.

An Asian person comes up to the archeologists and has a kid with him. The kid with him is forced to reveal an old lamp that he found. The archeologists ask where he found this, and the kid responds that he found it high up on a mountain Kuitara (spelling?). The writings on the lamp have been translated to say that there was a Noah’s Ark. Dr. Bentley then gets the bright idea of climbing Kuitara to see if anything is up there. Unfortunately, no one dares to rub the lamp so we never know if….

If There Is A Genie Inside The Lamp.

After that oil lamp scene, they make preparations to climb Kuitara. We see Dr. Bellamin make notice that they are doing all of this based on a vague description on an old lamp. Dr. Bentley then makes reference of someone finding the ancient ruins of Troy by trusting the poet Homer. He of course calls Homer a blabbermouth which is kind of disrespectful towards a man of Homer’s stature. They then begin the climb on the next day and we see them going and going and going.

The Energizer Bunny Could Keep Going And Going With More Entertainment Value.

They have now gotten to the mountain and the snow starts showing. Oh, and of course, Prof. Lafarge, the fat guy keeps falling and basically starts becoming a load. They then set up the second base camp and at that point, they can see the top of Kuitara. Dr. Bentley looks upon it, impressed by the utter silence of it all. Hmm….I wonder how impressed this guy would be if he went to a library. The guide then tells Dr. Bentley to not let the silence fool you as the mountain can roar when it wants to. Of course, cue the nightfall and the wind which of course causes an avalanche a little distance from the camp. Once again, they continue to climb the mountain. And while they are climbing, another avalanche occurs. They of course survive the avalanche, but the see a hand rise from the snow in a distance, but the hand falls as to signal death. Of course, somehow they pick up this arm easily and it becomes a mannequin arm. Yep….no body is attached to it.

They continue once again their climb and find the ancient ruins of a Sumerian temple. The archeologists and their crew are wondering where the city is as the city should be nearby. At this temple, they find a head statue of the goddess of Ishtar Of course, if these people did their research; Ishtar is for the Assyrians and the Babylonians, not the Sumerians, who have Inama. Of course, also Ishtar is an actual goddess so you really can’t say the goddess of Ishtar.

Unfortunately, for Dr. Stuart, he steps on a loose piece of a ground and he falls to his death. The rest decide to go after him and the find his body. However, as Bentley, Lafarge, and Bellamin are at the bottom, a cave-in occurs, killing the rest of the crew and traps Bentley, Lafarge, and Bellamin in the caverns. At this point, Lafarge starts panicking because they are trapped. Bentley believes there is another way out, but Lafarge is still panicking. We see that the lighting is very poor so we can barely see the people except for the flashlights. While going for another exit, they find an ancient city ruins inside the mountain. They then find another head for Ishtar. They call what they found on the plateau as the suburbs.

The three decide that this is a better point than any to take a rest. Of course, when they decide to go to sleep,

The Mole People then grab them, put bags on their heads and drag them to the ground. As soon as the dragging stops, they are able to remove the bags off their head. They see skeletons nearby and start to worry. A mysterious stone door opens and out come two guys who look like albino elves.

The albino elves tell the trio of archeologists to follow them and they do. They then are shown to their new temple and their king, who is also an albino.

The king is Nazar and he is next to the high priest, Elinu. Of course Elinu reminds me of someone from Big Trouble In Little China.

When shown Nazar, the three archeologists try to explain themselves as from a world on the surface. Nazar and Elinu disagree and say that there is no world, but their own and that only heaven exists above them where they used to live. The sentence that is shown upon them is that they be killed. The trio decides to make a run for it and kill a few soldiers along the way. When it looks like Lafarge is about to be killed, they shine their flashlight on the soldiers and the light blinds them, forcing a retreat. When the soldiers come out of the cave, Nazar and Elinu demand that they go back before they get the flashlight shined upon them. Their eyes are so sensitive that they run away as well.

Bentley goes into a long diatribe with Bellamin asking him about why the Sumerians need to kill them. Bentley responds to that by saying that they need to kill them because “we were causing them to doubt their own way of life”. When they turn around, Lafarge yells to look behind them. They do and see a mole person grab the dead soldier and drag him to the ground. Lafarge runs once again with the two guys being forced to chase him. They force the Lafarge to stay with them as they see the Sumerian people whipping the mole people around to work.

The Sumerian people see the three archeologists and try to go after them. When they hide once again, Lafarge decides to make a run for it and gets killed by one of the mole people.

They chase the mole person away with the flashlight and see that their friend Lafarge is dead. They go back to the former city where they are found by more soldiers led by Elinu. Elinu is now convinced that they are holy messengers from above since they think the flash light is the burning light of Ishtar. They have been invited by Nazar to a royal feast, which Bentley and Bellamin accept. Elinu asks where Lafarge is and they tell him that he was sent back to the heavens.

At the feast, they are asked why Ishtar sent the archeologists to them. He said that they were sent down to help the people and see what they need. Elinu is suspicious and asks how they can not already know this through the prayers of the people and through their sacrifices. Their answer is good enough for the Nazar so he says that their kingdom is their home. The maids come out with food and one such maid drops the plate, breaking the plate filled with mushrooms. She is being whipped by Nazar until Bentley stops the whipping. He uses the flashlight, now known as the fire of Ishtar, and says that it is now law. Nazar notices that he has fondness for her and gives the girl to her. Bentley says that this shouldn’t happen, but Elinu says that she isn’t human as she is marked by darkness. Nazar says that rarely one is born with it, but we see that if they are, they are treated like crap. Nazar basically say that their population is good enough to have enough food to survive. When asked about overpopulation, Elinu says that certain people are sacrificed to Ishtar. When told by a guard that they have apprehended a mole person who has desecrated the body of the guard killed by the archeologists, Nazar declares that they should be killed. Elinu says a prayer before the feast and from what we can see….is about to raise the roof once again.

In a separate room, Bentley and Bellamin try to find out how to escape when the maid comes in. The maid that was given to Bentley is called Adal. Adal tells Bentley that they never sleep until they die. Bentley tries to convince her that she is free, but Adal doesn’t really want to be free. While a conversation and planning of escaping is being told, we see that Elinu is listening in with suspicion.

In a room where they create their weapons, Bentley and Bellamin see that underground lava is used to create their swords. The two archeologists went then to see women wove cloth. Bentley is impressed by these advances while Bellamin still wants out.

Meanwhile, in another room, Elinu is convinced that Nazar has shown weakness towards these “intruders”. Elinu is convinced that they are not divine and if they grab the device that carries the fire of Ishtar, they can control the mole people and the king. Elinu tells his men that they will follow these intruders until they are able to get the device away from the intruders.

Back in the dark hallways, the two archeologists are searching for a way out, not knowing that they are being followed. He tries to grab the flashlight while they are sitting and speaking, but fails. We once again, go to a place where mole people are being whipped by the Sumerians, The captain of the Sumerians forces the mole people to not be fed. However, they see one of the mole people trying to sneak a piece of mushroom and try to whip him. The two archeologists show mercy and force the whippings to stop. The mole person escapes as the captain tries following him. The captain, while trying to kill the escaping mole person, is killed by being dragged down by another.

Meanwhile we see Adal playing with a small guitar that reminds you of the little strange boy from Deliverance.

Bentley tries to tell Adad that even though she may be a marked one, she is still beautiful. Their discussion is interrupted by a Sumerian who tells them that Nazar needs to see them at once.

Bentley and Bellamin are told by Nazar that the captain was killed by a mole person and think that there may be a revolt on the way. Nazar tries to convince Bellamin and Bentley to use the flashlight on the creatures, but they refuse. Elinu tries to convince Nazar that the two “intruders” are against them and that they are not from Ishtar, but Nazar will not challenge Ishtar in any way. He then tells them to have three of the mole people beaten to death.

While being whipped, the creatures are saved once again by Bentley and Bellamin. They use the flashlight on the Sumerians, but when the Sumerians leave, the flashlight dies. They release the mole people and the mole people take their leave.

Back in the throne room, Elinu is still trying to convince Nazar against the outsiders. Nazar is still not convinced and wants a sacrifice. A sacrifice commences with three women going into a lighted room and end up barbecued. We also see some girl dancing horribly for their entertainment. Of course, after the sacrifice, Elinu is informed by one of the guards that the body of Lafarge was found, proving that they are indeed mortal. He shows Nazar this and now Nazar tells Elinu to capture the men.

Meanwhile back in the bedroom, Bentley makes a very bad question.

Dr. Bentley: Do you ever hear of anyone smoking dried mushrooms?

Yes, we have heard of people smoking these things. It is called getting high, numskull. Anyway, as soon as Bentley says this to Bellamin, Adal comes in with mushrooms to snack on. They eat the mushrooms and start to feel sick. They then realize that the mushrooms are poisoned, but it is too late as they are captured by Elinu’s men and are stripped of their flashlight. Adal runs while the two archeologists are captured and escapes thanks to the mole people.
Back in the throne room, the two archeologists are thrown into the room filled with light. It is at this point that the mole people begin their revolt, led by Adal. The flashlight does not work and the mole people begin their attack.

They kill all of the Sumerians as Adal tries to enter the sacrificial room. She doesn’t have the strength to open the door, but three mole people decide to help her. They open the door and she enters. However, she realizes that Bentley and Bellamin aren’t roasting like the last sacrifices, but instead they are climbing up. We then see that the hole is an escape to the surface world. Bentley helps Adal with him and she finally sees the world they live in. The mountain starts to crumble and for some reason, Adad wants to go back to the ground. Unfortunately, the pillars fall on her and she dies. It is with this that she dies as the movie ends.

Now onto two small interesting facts. The original ending was that Bentley and Adal were to live happily ever after. However, that scene was cut with a new ending shot two weeks later. The reason for this scene was there was reluctance on implying that there was interracial relationship. Now how I am supposed to understand that is anyone’s guess since both I believe the stars John Agar (Bentley) and Cynthia Patrick (Adal) are both white. If someone could give me a good reason why this was done, I would greatly appreciate it.

The other interesting fact is that the guy who was Elinu in this film was Alan Napier. Alan Napier would end up doing some improving work and would end up getting the role that would define him in Hollywood, as Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred Pennyworth in the Batman series.

Anyway, while some people may see this as a “so bad it’s good” movie, in my opinion this movie was “so bad it’s laughable”. Seriously, between the long diatribes and some easily misunderstood ideas just makes me want to laugh at this.