Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Disaster Movie (2008)

Monster Crap Inductee: Disaster Movie
2008 GINO Award Co-Winner


After the head banging crap that was 10,000 BC, I was really not looking forward to doing this movie because people told me that this movie is way worse than 10,000 BC. In fact, this movie is on every worst movie of the year chart and is considered the 20th worst movie by IMDB. Oh and even worse is it is from the same dirt bags who gave us Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans (which finished 3rd in the GINO Award poll), so already that shouldn’t be a good side.

But before I begin this induction, let me give you a little back-story. Despite the fact that these movies were considered horrible, they actually made money. In fact, Meet The Spartans actually beat out Rambo in the first week.

To Those Who Let This Atrocity Happen, Rambo Should Kill Your Stupid Ass.

Now, the main reason they got money, as a lot of people said, was because they released these films during the box office dead seasons where nothing else was really being released. But that thought never did cross the minds of Friedberg and Seltzer and because of that, they decided to release one of these turds on the summer blockbuster season. Now how cocky were these guys to think this film would beat goliaths like the Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder, Wall-E, and Iron Man? Well, they were so confident that they wrote and made this movie in three months when normally a movie would take at least 6 months to a year. Now would it work or would it be a bomb? That is for you to find out after I watch this turd.

I have a gun a remote to my right and a gun to my left so let’s start watching this movie.

Now, I am mentioning Lionsgate for a reason. For Date Movie, Epic Movie, & Meet The Spartans…..Fox was distributing these crappy films and seeing as Fox (not Fox Searchlight) couldn’t make money with any of there films the last few years, it isn’t that hard to see why they would want to make a quick buck. But even Fox has its limits and when Disaster Movie was offered to them, they politely declined. Enter Lionsgate as the company that turned from independent darling to a studio that will do anything for a quick buck took the distribution rights to this turd.

We begin this horrible movie in outer space, where..

A Blinding Blue Light Is Descending Towards Earth

You also get the title after the earth passes the view.

Well…At Least We Won't Have To Wait To See The Title

But before you can say, hey….this has potential, Seltzer and Friedberg begin their nonsensical parodying of other movies and which one do they start off with.

Oh Dear God…..

Okay, that’s it….I’m done. There is no way I am doing this. Where is that gun? Oh here it is….




Why won’t it fire….oh, of course it won’t fire.

I Forgot To Buy Bullets

I Am A Dumbass

Well, since I can’t blow my brains out and I am frankly too lazy to do anything else, I guess I should just watch this movie.

We of course see a caveman with the dreadlocks (think happy thoughts) running into the woods. The caveman tries to dive, but gets stomped on and since he is dead, this movie would be over….right?

Instead the caveman is still alive and lands face first into some crap

I Have A Feeling This Is Going To Be Me In The End.

Of course, after running some more he runs into.....

“Wolf From American Gladiators”

I know there are a lot of reasons for why American Gladiators was cancelled, but I personally blame this movie. Of course, the line he says is and I am not making this up….

"Wolf": You Just Got Wolfed!!!!

Of course, this leads us into a impromptu contest between the crappy caveman and “Wolf” and while Wolf is beating the crap out of this caveman through most of the way….he loses when he gets hit in the balls. “Wolf falls”, but not before making this classic line…

"Wolf": There So Small Anyways……From Steroids.

Of course, our ball hitting caveman remembers that he is running from something and continues to run. He thinks it is a saber-tooth tiger, but in actuality, it’s…..

“Amy Whinehouse”

It turns out “Amy” is not here to kill him (why not?) and instead tells him that the earth will end in August 29, 2008…..when this movie comes to theaters. She didn’t say that last part, I just figured I would add it in there since that was the date this movie was released. Oh, and we also get a Facebook joke and a joke where “Amy Whinehouse” gets a computer from her hair.

It Is A Joke Only Captain Caveman Would Be Proud Of.

Of course, she also gets a bottle of whisky from her hair and drinks whole bottle. Oh yeah….I forgot to mention that we get a burp joke. Of course, she also reveals that the world’s fate lies with….

The Crystal Skull

Of course we find out that it is a nightmare as the guy makes a joke about taking all of those ambien with a cup of wine.

Yes……This Movie Had The Gall To Make Fun Of Heath Ledger’s Death.

Ah but no worries, Heath won an Academy Award (posthumously) and all this movie could have hoped to win was a Razzie.

Of course, our main character (Will) realizes that the end of the world is upon us and tries to wake up his girlfriend. But there is a third man in the bed and that guy is…..


Of course, when Will sees that his girlfriend has been sleeping with someone else, he doesn’t care. But when she talks about taking the relationship to the next level, well…..he breaks up with her then.

That is a pic of his girlfriend (Amy) and if you are into her, then don’t worry as she will be in most of this movie. But you should worry as she will be as dumb as possible.

Of Course, There Is Also A Midget In The Bed.

She plans on taking the midget with him, but of course he is sad about that as well. Of course, he also asks her if she is coming to his sweet sixteen party and we find out he is twenty-five, so he is having one now. Oh yeah, and we get the opening to what this show is supposed to be, which sucks.

Of course, there is a party going down in his super duper sweet sixteen party (hey, that’s what they called it) and yet because most of them are actually older than sixteen, there is actually booze at the party. While at the party, we get this…..

No, I Did Not Photoshop Or Sensor This In Any Way…..This Is Actually What They Did.

And oh we get an appearance from….

“Dr. Phil”

Of course, we find out that “Dr. Phil” is a horn dog and we get the joke of the dude sleeping and somebody shaving his eyebrows. Of course, the prankster calls for a friend to help and that friend is…..

“Anton Chigurth”

“Anton” is nice enough to bring his classic gun made out of an oxygen tank, but instead of bullets….its ammo is pimples. LAME!!!!

Of course, this causes the prankster to cry and run away in fear. We find out that the crying prankster’s name is Calvin and he has a girlfriend named Lisa (who is played by Kim Kardashian). They talk about how two guys are trying to steal the booze and the two culprits are….

The Two Guys From Superbad.

Of course, since McLovin is trademarked….they call the guy McLover and he reminds us of his name every time he speaks. Of course, Lisa gives him a gun so he can shoot the two fools, but not before a slab of meat is in the way and Carmen Electra as an assassin get in the way.

This assassin tries to get Calvin to curve the bullet so he can hit his target. Of course, Lisa doesn’t like her man being talked to by another woman so they get into a wrestling match and if you think I am saying that as a way to say they are fighting, you would be incorrect as….

The Two Actually Have A Wrestling Match.

Now if you are thinking two women fighting is attractive, then you have obviously not seen women’s wrestling as most of the time, it is just the same as two men fighting and this fight is no different.

Oh Yeah….And For Some Reason Twister Is Involved.

Of course, this is all a dream of Calvin as he is woken up by Lisa who tells him to curve the bullet. Of course, the first attempt kills “Dr. Phil”. This scares the booze snatchers into trying to steal it faster. The next bullet kills “Anton Chigurth”….which of course, makes even Carmen Electra wonder what she is doing here.

The third time he curves the bullet, but it does a complete 360 and kills Carmen Electra.

That Is What I Call Collecting Your Paycheck And Getting The Hell Out Of Dodge.

Of course, this allows the two booze thieves to escape with the booze.

Oh yeah, and we get a Juno rip-off with these two singing while there are props from the actual movie being used. But once again, trademarks come into play so they call this girl Juney. The guy is singing about wanting her to have an abortion. Juney’s response is that he is no George Clooney and she just sold the baby to the highest bidder on eBay. Of course, guess who the highest bidder is right now.

Yep….Another Brangelina Joke.

Of course, he tries to make a comeback, but gets hit by a guitar.

Honky Tonk Man Would Like To Have A Word For You….Miss.

More dancing between Lisa and Calvin as Will asks if Amy is coming. Calvin says he doesn’t know and receives the word that the two broke up. The first thing that he thinks up of course is he is getting some new ass. When told about commitment issues, Will reveals that his dad wasn’t the best example as he split when they were young. That cues for Amy to enter with her new boyfriend….

A Calvin Klein Underwear Model.

Of course, Calvin tells Will to forget about her as he has something to cheer him up and that something is….

An Impromptu High School Musical.

Of course, we get priest molestation jokes and gay jokes. Oh yeah….somehow the main characters have a pair of high school musical clothes on them and they sing as well while making more gay jokes, and sleeping with the “Jonas Brothers”.

Oh Yeah…And For Some Reason…”Justin Timberlake” Shows Up.
He does the crotch grab and actually hurts his balls. He gets underwear from the underwear model, which freaks him out. Oh yeah, and a joke about “JT” wanting Lance Bass is made.

And “Jessica Simpson” Also Shows Up With That Infamous Pink Dallas Cowboys Jersey.

Who wants to bet that a Cowboys fan calls her a jinx?

Well Of Course That Was Gonna Happen. This Is Disaster Movie After All

Of course she gets a football thrown at her which knocks her out. Of course as soon as that song is over (thank god), an earthquake hits and everyone starts to run.

Of course, Juney’s lines are a parody of the movie so nobody ever understands her, but she follows our main heroes as they leave. Oh yeah, and we get underwear models running around for no reason….but that horny moment for guys ends with a crap joke.

Oh And The Fakest Looking Meteor Lands.

The meteor apparently hit someone as guess who is crush underneath it?

"Hanna Montana"

But wait, it gets better. Hanna Montana reveals herself to be...

“Miley Cyrus”……*Gasp*

Better Time Than Ever To Do This.

The heroes ask for help and guess who is nearby to be awakened by a rude ass kid.

It Is Hancock.

Of course, Hancock tries to fly and hits a lamp post.

With that out of the way, the filmmakers add something else to earthquakes and meteors.

An Icestorm

They decide to hide in a nearby building.

Unfortunately for them, it is where the Sex in the City girls are hiding and of course, they want our heroes out. And if you think that the filmmakers saw the Maxim article about Sarah Jessica Parker being the ugliest celebrity (a statement they later retracted) and decided not to pile on poor Sarah, well then you don’t know these filmmakers well enough because most of the women are played by actual women while the role that Sarah Jessica Parker plays…..

Is Played By A Guy In Drag.

Juney decides to fight Carrie White and with the help of her baby and milk (Please don’t ask me how. It is too disgusting for me to repeat.), she beats Carrie White and the Sex in the City girls leave. Of course, Calvin gets the bright idea of everyone taking their clothes off so they can stay warm off each other’s body heat. After some questions, the girls agree while the guys do a low five behind their backs. Of course, something sick happens with Juney, but like I said….I am going to try to avoid disgusting my readers out there as much as possible. Of course, Will has a dream about where he tells Amy that he is a jumper and he does stupid things that you would normally do if you were a jumper (Note that you have to know about the movie Jumper to get what I am saying.) In this dream, we also get a Prince Caspian reference, but in the end….Will as a jumper falls into his sword. Of course it ended up being a nightmare as Prince Caspian calls Will the guy who ruined Star Wars. He screams and finds that everyone is watching with disappointment in their eyes.

Calvin finally talks some sense into Will, saying that he is lucky he has a girl like Amy and oh yes, they make a plumber’s crack joke. They all decide to leave the city after another tremor hits. On the streets, there is a police officer who is basically oblivious to what is going on. We then get an explosion and a bunch of fake body parts flying all over the place. Did I fail to mention that Amy was not in the group and was actually at the museum?

Well, she is and she calls Will. Will finally tells her that she loves him, but we get the freaking dropped call commercial before Will says something stupid. She hangs up and he decides to go after her. After much reluctance, Calvin and Juney decide to go with Will. They try to get Lisa to come along, but she refuses as she apparently has a bad feeling about all of this and apparently that feeling was correct as….

A Huge Meteor Falls On Her.

Of course, Calvin goes ballistic that it killed his girlfriend and they all run. Of course, while they try to console Calvin over his loss, another girl comes in.

This One Actually Came From The Sewers

If you didn’t notice, it is supposed to be the enchanted princess from Enchanted, but in this movie she does not have a name so they just call her the Enchanted Princess (I’ll just call her Princess for the hell of it). Her appearance makes Calvin forget all about Lisa as he has the hots for her. Of course, she gets run over by a cab, but lands on Calvin or as he says when the two are singing “his balls”.

When asked, she says that she is just a demented homeless chick that lives in the sewers. When Will asks how she ends up there, she answers that it had to do with drugs….lots and lots and lots and lots of drugs. A meteor hits again before Calvin tells Princess that she should come with them. She agrees, but before they continue….another guy comes out of the sewers.

After more singing, we find out that this princely figure is her pimp. Of course, Will acts like I do that this film is still continuing.

I Feel Your Pain, Man.

Princess decides that a duel shall commence between her pimp and Calvin, in which the winner would win her. I would say you can have her, but Calvin and her pimp decide to do this duel. Of course, what duel would they compete in….you ask?

A Break Dancing Battle

After this whole break dancing crap, a tornado decides to save us.

You Know, I Have Never Been Happier To See A Twister.

The pimp decides to leave and goes back into the sewer and while this tornado is coming, we get three men to challenge the twister one by one.

The first person to challenge the twister is Iron Man. The twister responds by….

Throwing A Cow At Him.

And what does this cow turn Iron Man into…..

An Iron Man Can.

Of course, that can is kicked away as the next challenger arrives and the next guy is….


Hellboy talks some trash and the twister responds by throwing another cow. Hellboy responds to that cow toss by leaving. Next up is…..

Oh Come On…..Are We Going To Throw Anyone Out There?

Well, apparently I am wrong as that is supposed to be Bruce Banner as he turns into…

The Hulk.

I’m sure you have heard some wise ass wondering how The Hulk grows and yet keeps his pants on as well. Well, apparently the wiseasses made this movie because….

He Loses His Pants.

After that, he gets hit with a cow as the twister has proven more powerful than all three heroes. Of course, Will calls Amy and they find out that Amy is in trouble.

Hey, This Is Supposed To Be A Joke, But I Have Seen People Be Pinned Down By Something Smaller….Especially If It Has A Sharp Edge.

The heroes enter another building to avoid the twister where…

Princess Decides To Eat A Bottle

We also get a Get Smart reference where Calvin has a shoe phone. Unfortunately for him, there is actually some crap on it. Of course to show this movie wants to make you vomit, they have Calvin smear the crap all over his face. Of course, he answers the phone again where he finds out that it is Lisa’s mom. He tells her that Lisa is dead, but celebrates that he has a new girlfriend. After some more shenanigans, they hear noises and get nervous. What is behind the racket is….

Alvin & The Chipmunks

The chipmunks sing We Wish You A Merry Christmas, which makes our heroes happy (even though it is kind of weird as it isn’t anywhere near Christmas). The chipmunks sing a dance song (hell if I know what it’s called) before making me laugh by singing some death metal song.

Of course, I have a feeling if the chipmunks actually did a death metal song, it would sound like this….


Of course we find out what is wrong with the chipmunks.

They Have Rabies!!!!

The chipmunks attack our heroes and actually kill Juney. This whole scene actually makes me laugh.


The chipmunks try to attack again, but are trapped in a trash can and suffocated. So long to the best characters in this movie. Anyway, we can’t enjoy some good parody comedy before we get the crappy...

Head-On Commercial Parody

The three remaining heroes decide to get to the museum, but there is a mass exodus out of the city and one of the people leaving the city is….

The Crappiest Version Of Batman You Ever Did See

When they ask if Batman is leaving too, he says yes as dying is not on his to-do list today. He tells them that going back would mean 0% survival. Will says he will take those chances so Batman decides to tell him that he better be back before 9 pm as that is when the evacuation buses are leaving. Batman then leaves by accidentally hooking his grappling hook to the rear end of a car and gets dragged away. Our main characters continue on towards the museum all the while passing a very stupid sign.

Of course we also seed Speed Racer trying to leave, but he gets held up by Princess.

She then drags him out of the car and proceeds to shoot him to death. After shooting him into oblivion, she steals his helmet and gives it to Calvin. Of course, we hear a familiar sound in the trunk. They check the trunk to find…

Michael Jackson, Spritle Racer, & What Is Supposed To Be Chim Chim (All I See Is An Animal A Baby Would Go To Sleep With)

Yeah, we get a Michael Jackson joke which is kind of standard for Seltzer and Friedberg. Of course, nothing happens as they just allow them all to stay in the trunk while the three remaining heroes drive off.

They get to the museum and are able to free Amy from her predicament. Oh yeah, and Amy just so happens to have the Crystal Skull hiding in her vagina. When more crap happens, Will tells Calvin and Princess to leave so she and Amy can return the Crystal Skull back to the alter and save the earth. Now, before Calvin would stay by his friend, but this time….he finally decided to take Princess with him and head off. Unfortunately, Calvin and Princess are locked in the museum where the exhibits come to life.

Of course, with all the exhibits coming to life…..Beowulf appears to stop Will and Amy from bringing the Crystal Skull back to the alter.

Of course, if you don’t know that he is Beowulf, he will be more than happy to say that line like 10,000 times. Of course, more gay jokes are made as Beowulf is completely naked. Now to spare you from seeing man ass…..that is the only picture you will get of Beowulf.

Meanwhile, Calvin and Princess meet up with Kung Fu Panda who decides to fight the two of them for no apparent reason. After the Kung Fu Panda battle, we get more singing which annoys the ever living crap out of me. We then find out that Princess is actually a transvestite and of course, both of them get killed by Kung Fu Panda.

In the other fight, Beowulf is killed when Amy takes an axe and gives his back a good whack with it. When the two reach the Crystal Skull alter, they run into Indiana Jones.

Well…..Not Quite.

Anyways, “Indy” reveals that he is Will’s father and that he had been in so many adventures, which left him no time to see his son. Of course, “Indy” also makes remarks towards Amy of the flirtatious variety. Of course, after all of this nonsense….they realize that the Crystal Skull has yet to be returned to the alter so “Indy” tries to make it to there, but fails so Will decides it is his turn. He succeeds and thus this nightmare of a movie ends with Amy and Will getting married.

Nah….I am fooling you; it actually ends with a parody song of Sarah Silverman’s “I Screwing Matt Damon” and everyone talking about who they are having sex with. Of course, I don’t care to get into the gritty details so I am just going to end my synopsis of the movie there.

Now, if you want to know if this movie was a hit or miss……here is the answer. History would tell you that this would do good business, but people apparently getting tired of the same ole same old and the date made this movie a huge box office bomb…..finishing #7 in it’s first week. Quite literally, Disaster Movie turned out to be a box office disaster. Because of this failure, every project that Seltzer and Friedberg have done…have been put on hold. But what can I say, Seltzer and Friedberg tempted fate one too many times and now it bit them in the ass. Now I could rip on the actors, but you can tell from every one of them that this was simply a payday for them and for some of the bigger names, they were able to get out of dodge early.

Now it is time for my thoughts on the movie. I think that……oh what the hell, this movie is freaking horrible. This movie tried to be more than a parody of popular movies, it also tried to be a musical. Now if you are a guy in basic comedy with no musical backgrounds like Friedberg and Seltzer, then don’t try to do a huge musical because it ends up being a huge mess. Now is this movie what critics are saying in that it is the worst movie ever? My answer is no. I have reviewed some pretty crappy movies in my time and actually, this movie succeeds with at least one scene (the Chipmunk scene), which is more than I can say for 10,000 BC. This is barely a notch above 10,000 BC….but I can clearly state that a lot of critics overreacted in saying this is the worst because as I have shown, I have seen worse. I guess the names Seltzer and Friedberg rub critics the wrong way so they are quick to say that the same old same ole is worse than before. I have always stated that if you do just the same…..you don’t get better, but you certainly don’t get worse. Now would I recommend you watch this movie?? Oh Hell No!!!! All you need to do is watch the chipmunk scene and that is pretty much the best you are going to get from this turd. However, if you make me chose which one I would rather watch between this and 10,000 BC. I would simply choose this in a heartbeat.

Well, I did do a poll that asked people what should be the next induction and while I said two days later that I would not do Meet The Spartans, that movie still won. Now while people expect me to change my decision to doing Meet The Spartans, I still stand by the fact that I will not do two Friedberg/Seltzer films in a row so Meet The Spartans will join Street Fighter in induction limbo. Instead, I am going to do a movie that is awesomely bad, but will be seen as controversial because I know a few people who like this film. However, that still does not make up for the fact that this film is bad and thus, it shall be inducted. If you didn’t get the clue of “throwing black balls at the Easter Bunny’s groin”, well…..then you apparently don’t remember this movie so here is what I am inducting next.

Oh…..this is going to be fun.

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