Thursday, October 8, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Street Fighter (1994)

Monster Crap Induction: Street Fighter
Jean Claude Van Damme Looks Like A Complete Moron

Well, it is time to do something that I have been unintentionally putting off for a while and induct a film that should have been inducted in June of last year (damn video rental places screwed me over) in Street Fighter. Now, originally I was going to talk about how the newer version (which had not come out yet when I had started writing this induction) could not have been possibly worse than this version. Well, I did see the new one and unfortunately, I can not hate this film as much as I used to because the Legend of Chun Li is a piece of crap. Well, now it is time for this film to finally be inducted, but it won’t be inducted with such venom as originally planned.

But before I begin, this induction will need several back stories for it to make sense. You see the original game of Street Fighter involved Ryu and Ken competing in a tournament to beat the tournament’s grand master, Sagat. Despite some of the ideas that would change the conventions of fighting games, this game was not that well-known.

However, go to 1991 and Street Fighter II came out and it was a beast. It became so popular that it is still considered one of the best fighting games ever if not the very best. Now this game was so awesome again that if it weren’t for the fact that it had a II on it, most people wouldn’t have even known that there was a game called Street Fighter before this.

Because of this game being well known and the first one not, people in Hollywood decided to make a movie based on this video game and not the first one, but still just call it Street Fighter. And who would be the lead actor in this film adaptation? Why none other than action star Jean Claude Van Damme.

Jean Claude himself had some very interesting history involving fighting games. In fact, Van Damme was first approached by two guys named Ed Boon and John Tobias to do a video game where a digitized version of him would be kicking bad guy’s asses. Jean Claude refused to work with them because according to Van Damme, he was actually in negotiations with another video game company. In a sort of ironic twist, the video game that Jean Claude Van Damme was negotiating to make was never made while the two guys who he refused to work with changed their idea to a game based on Way of The Dragon and called it Mortal Kombat.


Yes, Whoopsie indeed my friend. As you can imagine, the character of Johnny Cage is still modeled after Van Damme, but Cage was given a backseat to the new main character, Liu Kang. Mortal Kombat caused such a storm that video games today have that damn rating on the box. Its popularity is only rivaled by Street Fighter II. Needless to say, Jean Claude looked like a complete idiot for passing up this great opportunity. So when he was offered the lead role in a movie based on the popular fighting game, Street Fighter II, he took the role almost immediately. He was so much into doing this role that when he was offered to play Johnny Cage for the film adaptation of Mortal Kombat that was originally intended for Brandon Lee before that tragic accident while filming The Crow, Van Damme refused again. So what happened to Street Fighter that forced millions of geeks to want to kill the people who made this film and turned Van Damme into a complete joke, besides the Mortal Kombat bit? Well, we are about to find out.

We start off by looking at the title and being that they were nice enough to get the font that was used in the video game; it looks like it has some promise. However, that promise disappears when instead of guys kicking people’s ass, we get…..


I should also add that this may look like I minimized the screen, but I didn’t, the movie shows the news as if the camera is filming in front of TV. Guys, this is a movie, not a reality show so the least you could do is not make me feel like I am watching TV. However, for Street Fighter 2 fans….it gets worse because instead of being in Thailand, where M. Bison fights at….the country is called Shadoloo.

That is funny because actually Shadoloo was a crime syndicate, but apparently they bought the entire country of Thailand.

That May Be True, But What Is Capital Of Shadoloo or Thailand???

Well in this movie, it is called Shadoloo City (how original?), but in real life……hey, wait a minute. I know where this joke is going and I don’t feel like doubling over in pain. Nice try there….Christian.

Anyway, we find out that there is a civil war going on in Shadaloo and Allied Nation forces are trying to help the people of Shadoloo against the evil army run by General M. Bison.

We then are introduced to reporter Chun Li Zhang and I have to say, I usually don’t go for pixilated women over real life women……….but if we are comparing this Chun Li to the video game Chun Li, well…..

Yeah, I Would Rather Bang The Pixilated Version.

Nothing against this Chun Li, but her figure is a bit of a let down from the Video Game Vixen who has almost won every damn hottest female video game character debate known to man. Now, the geek in you is probably wondering why I don’t mention her actual back-story. Well, the answer is I don’t have enough time to go there.

Now the next image we are shown is General M. Bison and….

Okay, I got to bust on some physical appearance so let’s look at the pixilated M. Bison from the video game.

Wow…..I have actually nothing to say here. For once, they actually got the perfect guy to play a video game character. Unfortunately, when going from video game character to live action character….this is the closest you will get to a clone.

Interestingly enough, the guy who plays M. Bison is Raul Julia….

Who You May Know As Gomez From The First Two Addams Family Movies.

Interesting thing here is the reason that an accomplished theater actor would take a high budget action video game adaptation really didn’t have much to do with the money he was paid. It actually had to do with the fact that his kids were fans of Street Fighter II. But more on that and what unfortunately happened to him later.

We then cut to M. Bison’s underground fortress and M. Bison….

Seems To Have Borrowed The Machine Bowser Used In Super Mario World.

What a nice guy Bowser is. Anyway, M. Bison is listening to the reports from Chun Li as she is calling him a power mad dictator and mentions that he has hostages for which he is willing to let go for 20 billion dollars. His henchmen apparently have no problem treating the hostages like crap as they just throw them into a hole. Apparently, M. Bison’s forces also captured 3 AN (Allied Nations) soldiers and killed 12 of them.

Okay, so M. Bison and his forces have captured 2 AN soldiers and killed 13 of them.

Damn it Bison, don’t you know that you are just killing off your bargaining chips? Anyway, M. Bison decides to stop destroying his bargaining chips because he hears that Chun Li is going to try to get a word with Bison’s sworn nemesis, Col. Guile.

Unfortunately, Jean Claude Van Damme decided to go to Super Cuts and cut his hair down.

I Say That Because It Would Have Been Awesome To See Jean Claude Van Damme Act Like A Badass With That Giant Flattop On His Head.

The main problem though is that Jean Claude Van Damme has a very thick accent and is from Belgium so when he is playing an American badass, he has issues speaking fast and making sense. You will notice several times in this movie, where Van Damme tries to speak English fast and it gets slurred. An average American has trouble saying things straight so how the hell are you going to get a thick-accented Belgian to say his lines without slurring them.

Anyway, Guile originally doesn’t want to do an interview, but decides to take the microphone so he can call out M. Bison. M. Bison is more than happy to go into a debate with Guile (probably because he can actually speak English that is not broken), so he decides to hack into the feed so he can speak to Guile directly. Actually, before we get into that debate, let’s look at what caused M. Bison to decide to speak to Guile. Basically Guile….

Flips Him Off.

Yep…..that surely….

Wait…..That Is What You Call Flipping M. Bison Off?

Well, yes….I do and…

This Is How You Flip Off M. Bison.

Someone has to stop with the interruptions. Anyway, you can tell that this pisses M. Bison off just by looking at his face.

Either He Knows He Just Got Owned Or He Is Wondering What The Hell He Has Gotten Himself Into.

Anyway, back to the Guile-M. Bison debate. Guile informs Cammy (more on her later) that M. Bison has taken the bait so she should try to trace the signal. Cammy decides to go into the news truck and kick the fat guy out so she can do such that. After while of bickering and bantering, Bison’s tech guy Deejay (I will also get to him later) tells Bison that the signal is being traced. Bison taunts Guile by stating that he wont be allowing the signal to be traced so he will leave with a countdown of 72 hours. If the ransom he demands is not paid by then, he will kill the hostages and the world will blame Guile. Guile then says before the signal is stopped that his forces are coming to save them and that he is coming for his captured friend, Charlie.

Bison realizes that he has Guile’s friend captive and sees by the dog tag of “Carlos Blanka” that he is Charlie.


Bison decides to not kill this soldier and instead have him experimented on. After finding out from Cammy that they failed to trace the signal, Guiles tells Chun Li that for a second, she is almost useful.

Now let’s start with Cammy.

She Is The Girl To The Left.

She is played by Kylie Minogue, who was an international star for being in ten episodes of the show Neighbors as Charlene. She was also a pop singer at the time and I have a feeling that and her looks got her the role of Cammy. Now looking at the two, she is a minor disappointment from the other leggy babe from the Street Fighter series.

Now onto Charlie. Charlie as it turns out is not Blanka in reality. Based on the history, Charlie was Guile’s friend who was killed fighting M. Bison. But hell, we had little much time to use Street Fighter characters so combining them appears to be the answer (although I don’t know anyone who calls a guy named Carlos “Charlie”). More on Blanka later.

Back to the movie, Chun Li mentions to Cammy that Guile must not like women. Cammy then corrects her by saying that Guile hates journalists and it is an equal opportunity hatred.

In the next scene, we see some guy try to fight and getting killed by a masked man. We are also introduced to Ryu (the Japanese guy) and Ken (the white guy). Now in the original street fighter series, these two guys are the main focus. But because this film is all about American military bad asses, they get pushed to be con artists.

Japan Wants You To Believe These Men Are Heroes, But America Knows The Truth And Know That These Two Are Con Artists.

The two are introduced to Sagat, who is a weapons dealer for M. Bison.

Now if this guy looks familiar, he is actually an accomplished international actor Wes Studi, who is well known in this country as….

The Villian From The Last Of The Mohicans, Magua

They try to con Sagat with toys posing as real guns, but they fail and are captured after a short fight scene.
This Guy Actually Looks Like Sagat, But I Will Show You A Few Glaring Errors In The Decision.

We then go to a laboratory where M. Bison is talking to Dr. Dhalsim about the experiments on Blanka.

Okay, apparently some people did not play the video game or else they would have known that Dhalsim actually looks….

Like This.

He talks about his studies being perverted and M. Bison roughs him up a bit for saying so.

Back to the underground cage fighting stadium (this is the only place you will get any actual semblance of street fighting), Sagat has decided to put Ryu in a cage fight against Vega, with Ken as backup when Ryu falls. While speaking, Sagat reveals that Vega is the most popular cage fighter since Iron Fist, who retired and became Sagat. We finally get to see what Vega looks like and….

Yeah…..I Could See A Very Good Resemblance If It Wasn’t For The Fact That The Actual Vega Has Blonde Hair And Is White.

Of course, when some of the girls look at Ryu when he loses the shirt, they change their decision on who to root for, much to Vega’s chagrin.
Either Vega Is Shocked That He Lost A Fan Or He Wants To Call The Fashion Police Right Now.

When offered a weapon, Ryu intimidates Vega by throwing the sword near Vega’s head. Basically because of the attempted intimidation and the crowd wanting it, this fight becomes a fight without weapons. But before the fight can begin, a missile tank crashes through the wall and who should be running the missile tank??

Well Old Party Pooper Himself, Guile.

Guile then proceeds to arrest everyone for breaking the curfew that the AN forces forced upon the city. Of course, being that he is in a missile tank, everyone surrenders without resistance.

The next day, we hear a radio DJ talking about how nice the weather is in Shadoloo City. I would start calling it the real name out of spite, but once again….I don’t feel like doubling over in pain. In a meeting room, Guile and his forces are going over where M. Bison’s hideout may be since they don’t know where it is at the time. Of course the short dialogue doesn’t last long as there is an assassin who poses as a chef, attempting to kill Guile. He fails of course after one leg sweep and a forearm to the face. Of course, they find out that the assassin works for the Shadoloo Tong. This fades into another person wearing the same tattoo and that person is Sagat, who is at a prison. Sagat and Vega, as well as Sagat’s henchmen, try to beat down Ryu and Ken….but fail. The fight impresses Guile enough that he decides to have a word with Ryu and Ken.

Guile decides to show the two men around and shows them how the war is affecting the people of Shadoloo. When the two try to tell Guile that they are different from Sagat and Bison while asking to leave, Guile tells them that they only way they are leaving…is over his dead body.

But Let’s Still Be Friends.

When troops are trying to move some prisoners to a new holding facility, there is a heated verbal exchange between Sagat and Guile. Sagat tells Guile that he owns this city, but Guile says that he is the repo man and Sagat is out of business.

No, I Am The Repo Man!!!!

A fight breaks out between Ryu and Ken. The forces stop the fight, but don’t realize that Ryu snatched the keys to their restraints. Sagat sees this and tries to negotiate an alliance. The two cons listen and everyone is able to get free and start a riot. In the attempt at a getaway, Guile is shot and killed. Chun Li puts a tracer on the vehicle so she can track where it is going….for reasons we will find out later.

Back at M. Bison’s fortress, M. Bison talks about his plan to build a new capital of Shadoloo called Bisonopolis. This planning is interrupted by the news reports that Guile was killed during a prison break. DJ makes a congratulation speech to M. Bison for his enemy being dead, but Bison is saddened because he wanted to kill Guile himself.

I guess I should talk about Deejay now. He is played by Miguel Nunez Jr. and if you don’t know who he is, he was one of the people killed in the much hated Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning.

Yep, He Was Demon, The One Who Was Killed While He Was Taking A Crap.

The character of Deejay here being a bad guy is really wrong as he is actually a good guy in the video game. Basically, he and another good guy in the video game were traded to the bad side for one bad guy.

I Got Traded??? That’s Not Right!

Anyway, M. Bison makes a speech about how he is not a madman, but a visionary who wants to make the world peaceful. This speech makes the muscle headed crony of M. Bison, known as Zangief (the other good guy who traded sides; more on him later), have a tear in his eye and claim how beautiful that speech was.

At night, Chun Li introduces us to her two co-workers, Balrog and E. Honda.

Balrog is actually a bad guy in the video game so he was the one who the good guys got for Deejay and Zangief.

Now if you are wondering why he was made a good guy….well, there is a very simple answer for you. He is from the United States of America. Remember when I talked about movies changing stories so no American is made to look like a bad guy. Well, this is another one of those cases. I have made my rant in the past about how I hate it when patriotism creates blind storytelling in Hollywood and ruins movies so I won’t be going on that rant again.

E. Honda has always been a good guy, but in the video game….he is 100% Japanese. In the movie however, they make him out to be a Samoan from Hawaii. Yes, as you can guess….I really hate it when movies decide that the cliff notes of the back-story need changing.

Anyway, the two try to track the truck to M. Bison’s lair, but find out that there is another tracer in the truck that is interrupting their signal. Chun Li decides to go undercover in the middle of the night. She tracks the signal to the morgue and finds out that Guile actually faked his death.

You Actually Thought I Was Dead, Didn’t You?? Well, I…..Fooled You!!!!!

She is captured and reveals that she wants to kill M. Bison herself. Guile tells her that this war is not about a personal vendetta, but when she is taken away….he reveals it is about his personal vendetta.

Damn…..We Suck.

While trying to take her away, Chun Li is able to escape from Cammy and T. Hawk, as the news van is able to get her out of Shadoloo City.

At a nearby camp, we see a meeting between M. Bison’s forces and Sagat’s forces. They are being entertained and are negotiating a deal between Bison’s money and Sagat’s weapons. However, Chun Li….in disguise is able to lure Ryu and Ken away and capture them. They tell the two that they have are going to finish M. Bison and that they should get out of the way. They also reveal that the Shadoloo destroyed both Honda’s reputation as a sumo wrestler and Balrog’s reputation as a boxer.

There is a problem with the deal when M. Bison offers Sagat money that is not yet worth anything….despite the fact that Bison says it will be worth something in the future. You know M. Bison….when buying guns from an illegal arms dealer; it may not be in your best interest to try buying the guns with savings bonds.

When Ryu and Ken come back in the room, they are in the middle of what is about to be a fight between M. Bison’s forces and Sagat’s forces. When confronted by the two sides, Ryu and Ken rat out Chun Li’s plan. When they get to the tent, they see a television with Chun Li telling them that their weapons are going to be destroyed. Balrog and Honda push a truck filled with dynamite to the tent where the weapons are being held. Of course, Zangief says a line while all this is going on.

Quick, Change The Channel!!

Of course, this makes Ken, Ryu, and Deejay look at Zangief in an odd way while there is a giant explosion. However because of Ryu and Ken’s tattle-telling abilities, Chun Li’s plan fails to kill anyone and the three are captured. However, a satellite is finally able to pick up Bison’s fortress thanks to Ryu and Ken’s tracking device. While giving a tour, Bison tells Zangief to give Ryu and Ken new clothing. He invites Sagat and his men to stay and enjoy the upcoming events. When asked what he wants to do with the prisoners, Bison tells his forces to take Balrog and Honda to the interrogation room where they will talk and to take Chun Li to his private quarters, where he will give her a private interview. Chun Li spits at Ryu & Ken before she is taken away.

In a meeting room, Guile tells his troops that this will be an operation done through the river as an air assault is out of the question. He plans for most of the troops to come from the North while a single stealth vessel will come from the East to distract his defenses. When asked by Sawada, how that could be possible as the driver of the vessel would have to be a madman. Guile says that luckily, Bison has driven him crazy so he will pilot the vessel along with T. Hawk and Cammy.

The reason I mentioned Sawada here is that he is supposed to be based off a Street Fighter character, but because the name of the character was originally Fei Long. However, the movie decided on the name Sawada. I’m sure there are reasons for this, but I don’t know what they are.

The Only Character That Was Replaced In The Movie.

In the interrogation room of Bison’s fortress, E. Honda is being whipped like mad by the interrogator as Balrog watches in horror. Funny thing is, while Balrog is horrified, E. Honda looks like he is bored. Balrog laughs a bit, but is punched in the face while the interrogator tells him that he is next. Balrog looks at the scars on Honda’s back and wonders how Honda doesn’t cry out in pain. Honda answers that he is sumo so his body can be in one place and his mind another. Balrog retorts that next time his mind leaves, he should bring back a pizza. The two are easily able to break out due to their strength and the fact that they are being restrained by older chains.

Zangief burns the guys clothing and gives them a tour around the locker room area of Bison’s fortress.

While walking away, Ken asks if Ryu got a look at the video map. Ryo says he got only left half, but Ken smiles and says that he got the right half.

Outside of AN headquarters, Guile is about to give a speech to his troops when he is interrupted by men working for the AN Security Council. They tell Guile that they have decided to negotiate with M. Bison and give in to his demands. Guile fights vigorously against this plan, but the messenger tells Guile that he better tell them the plan now and consider himself fired.

Guile gives the speech and tells his troops that the AN has decided to give in to Bison’s demands so they can all go home. Although, he says that he is not going home and he is going to go on his boat so he can head to Bison’s fortress and kick his ass. He asks the troops if they want to go home or if they want to go with him. The soldiers, being idiots, decide to go with him and thus, this movie continues. When chastising Guile and telling him that the troops should stop, he tells the messenger that he would, but someone just fired him.

I Did Not Think This Through

At Bison’s private quarters, Chun Li gives us her backstory in a dress that looks almost like what her character would wear in the video game, however…..

The Video Game Actually Had It As Blue Instead Of Red.

She reveals that 20 years ago when Bison was just a drug lord, he tried to invade a small town in China so he could steal food, weapons, and slave labor. Her father was the leader of the small town and her father’s forces drove Bison’s forces out of the town. However while in retreat, Bison had her father shot and killed. Bison tells her that he is sorry that he doesn’t remember that event, but if it is any consolation….while that may have been a huge moment in her life but for him, it was Tuesday.

The interrogator tries to find new ways to torture Honda and Balrog, but he is beaten up by Ryu and Ken. They go to try and rescue the two, but since the two are already free….Ken and Ryu are strangled by Balrog and Honda. They say this until they tell them that they are working for Guile. Of course, I think they knew this earlier, but I think they somehow forgot.

Meanwhile, Chun Li continues her monologue stating that she spent the next several years, working in the media world. She was using it to gather intelligence on Bison. Meanwhile, Bison decides to turn on some classic love music. Apparently, he is not really listening to anything she says. She talks about how she found partners that hated him and his friends as much as she does. Bison also turns the lights down….damn it, pay attention. She then reveals that she studied the martial arts of three continents so that one day when they did meet, she could avenge her father and end his reign of terror herself.

This causes Bison to stand up, but he laughs off her claims. He states that no one has ever seen her in combat because she always hides behind her boxer and sumo friends. He even said that ever since she entered this country, she has never even thrown a single punch. He says that he knows women and that she is harmless. Of course, Chun Li then smiles and tells him that is exactly what she wanted him to think. She breaks off her restraints and starts kicking M. Bison’s ass.

Her ass kicking is interrupted by Balrog, Honda, Ryu, and Ken…who are trying to rescue her. This moment of distraction however, is able to allow Bison to hole himself into a panic room, while gas fills his private quarters. The gas knocks out all the heroes while M. Bison laughs, maniacally.

Okay…..Creepy M. Bison Moment, Right Here.

At the river, Guile is telling his troops to wait until he takes out the radar with his stealth boat. Meanwhile on the boat, Guile watches a recording where he and Charlie are having dinner with two ladies. Meanwhile, we see what Charlie (or Blanka as he will now be known as) has become.

I guess it is time for me to talk about the video game Blanka now.

Like I said before, Blanka and Charlie are not the same people in the video game. But Blanka also is not turned green in the video game buy M. Bison’s experiments. His skin is green because after surviving a plane crash, he spent years eating plants and because of the photosynthesis in the plants, his skin changed to green.

Hmmm……you know, this is probably one time where the movie character’s back-story makes more sense than the video game character’s back-story because if that were true, every vegetarian that we know of would have green skin. Moving on….

Outside of Blanka’s chamber, Dhalsim is monitoring his progress and is disturbed by what he is seeing. Because the guy who was made to watch over him would rather read a nude magazine, Dhalsim is able to change what Blanka is watching from very disturbing and hateful images to very calm and peaceful images. This is able the calm the beast that Blanka is becoming.

Ryu, Ken, Chun Li, Honda, and Balrog are taken in chains to the main room of M. Bison’s fortress so they can watch what is going to happen. And now it is time for me to reveal the problems with Sagat’s actor. In the video game, Sagat’s height is 7’3 while M. Bison’s height is 6’3. Basically in the video game, Sagat is the tallest guy in the game. Now here is a picture of the two movie characters standing close to each other.

Yeah, turns out that M. Bison is taller than Sagat in the movie. Now, I’m sure we could almost base this on Raul Julia, but truth be told…..Raul Julia is actually 6’2 (only an inch smaller than the actual M. Bison). Wes Studi (the guy playing Sagat) is actually just 6 feet. Now, I’m not normally one to talk about size…..but how the hell am nerds supposed to buy this guy as Sagat when he can’t even come close to being even remotely close to the actual size of Sagat or even more, where it isn’t even close to the point that movie characters who are actually smaller are played by actors who are taller.

Back at the river and on the stealth boat, Guile is told by Cammy that they are reaching the radar part of Bison’s defenses. Guile decides to put the boat in stealth mode and while seeing the radar station, the stealth boat destroys it with machine guns. However, because the radar is off line, Deejay is able to tell Bison that something is going on. Bison immediately has his defenses jam their stealth.

Now that he sees the boat, Bison smiles and has his defenses attack the vessel. Bison then tells the crew aboard the vessel to identify themselves. Guile then shows up on the monitor and reveals to Sagat that he is still alive. Sagat can’t believe it, but Bison has the perfect answer to the fact that Guile is still alive.

He continues by saying that it was all a trick design to ingratiate his spies with Sagat. But of course….

Bison Guesses Sagat Couldn’t See That.

Bison decides to get on his floating machine and use his defenses to destroy the stealth boat, which hopefully in turn will kill Guile.

Bison’s defenses are able to do their job as they destroy the boat. Bison, thinking Guile is dead this time, decides to give a line that is one of my favorites and every video game should have him saying this from hereafter.

GAME OVER!!!!!!!

Back at the laboratory, Dhalsim’s scheme to tame the beast is spotted by the guard, who decides to rough him up. Unfortunately while roughing up Dhalsim, the guard accidentally opens the chamber and frees Blanka. Blanka sees the guard trying to kill Dhalsim and kills the guard before he could do anything.

Outside of the fortress, it is revealed that Guile, Cammy, and T. Hawk are still alive as they knock out some guards. We cut to a helicopter seen, where the messenger from earlier lies about how ineffective his message was to the AN troops. That quick scene is cut back to Guile, Cammy, and T. Hawk taking out more guards as they infiltrate the fortress. Guile uses a secret way to get into the base and ends up at the laboratory, where he runs into Blanka.

Give Me A Kiss….

Blanka mistakes him originally for an enemy, but when Guile realizes he’s Charlie….he calls his name and Blanka stops. Blanka stops and cries about what he has become while Guile decides he should put him out of his misery with a bullet to the head. Dhalsim stops Guile however and tells him to he has no right to kill his friend.

Meanwhile, M. Bison’s deadline has passed and when he asks if his ransom has been met, Deejay tells him “Hell No”. M. Bison tells the hostages that their governments don’t care about them and now they will die at the hands of the creature he has created. He brings the chamber up and opens it, but instead of getting his creation from Blanka….he gets a flying kick to the chest by Guile.

Bison tells his soldiers to shoot the hostages, but Guile closes the roof to their cell so they won’t die. Meanwhile, Ryu, Ken, Chun Li, Honda, and Balrog are able to free themselves once again and start kicking ass too. Eventually, the cavalry arrives and they start kicking ass also. Basically, Bison’s forces are unable to hit anyone and get annihilated pretty quickly. Honda decides to get into a fight with Zangief and during this fight….for some unknown reason; they have soundclips from King Kong vs. Godzilla playing while the two fight over a model of Bison’s planned Bisonopolis.

Neither King Kong Nor Godzilla Are Amused, But I Sure As Hell Am.

Bison tries to check on where Blanka is and once he sees that Blanka is attacking his own troops, Bison is mad and gets madder when he finds out that Dhalsim had everything to do with this. When Ryu and Ken see that the troops have arrive, they argue because Ken wants to leave while Ryu wants to help. The two decide to go their separate ways, but that is short lived as Ken finds out that Ryu is being attacked by both Vega and Sagat. Ken joins in to help Ryu and we get probably one of the most confusing parts between the game and the movie. In the game, Ryu’s main nemesis is Sagat because in the first Street Fighter game (remember, this movie is based off the more successful Street Fighter 2, not 1) Ryu became World Champion by beating Sagat so it would make more sense that Ryu would be fighting Sagat and Ken would be fighting Vega, but this movie never gives us the Sagat vs. Ryu match that everyone wants to see and instead we get Ryu fighting Vega and Ken fighting Sagat. Basically, Vega and Sagat get their butts kicked.

Meanwhile, M. Bison sees that he is losing and he tells Deejay that they should go down fighting. Deejay decides to screw this and runs away. Guile runs into a bunch of armed soldiers and the only thing he has is a knife. The soldiers back away and Guile actually thinks that he scared them off, but his swagger is short-lived as he sees that there are AN soldiers behind him with guns. Guile decides to call out M. Bison and Bison quickly shows up to accept. A challenge is made between the two to fight in unarmed combat. Both sides do not want this to happen, but both Guile and Bison are too stubborn and tell their troops to leave them.

In a pretty good fight, Guile gets the better of M. Bison and kicks him into his controls so he is electrocuted.

But Bison has certain parts designed in his suit that allow him to become a Sith Lord.


Deejay runs off with a crate that he thinks is money (we will find out what it truly is later) as Honda decides to stop fighting Zangief and help his comrades get the hostages out of the fortress. Zangief catches Deejay running off and wonders why he is leaving. Deejay tells Zangief that Bison was the bad guy all along and lies about saying that Bison paid him a fortune to work for him. This gives Zangief pause to ask…

You Got Paid????

Bison reveals that he can also levitate and instead of doing different attacks, he does the same attack over and over again.

I call this the Gigan Factor.

What is the Gigan Factor, you ask??? Well….if you have ever seen a fight between Godzilla and Gigan in the Showa Era, Gigan would fly and charge at Godzilla. He would succeed in hurting Godzilla, but Gigan would do the attack over and over again. After a while, Godzilla would figure out that he would do the same thing and would find a way to counter-attack and end it (in Godzilla’s case, he would duck and breathe fire at Gigan).

Like the end of all Gigan Factors, Bison did the same levitating attack again and this time, Guile was able to do a counterattack with a roundhouse kick. The force of that kick sent Bison into the piles of working TV screens and Bison dies.

Bison’s death causes a self-destruct countdown to commence. Guile tries to find Charlie so they can escape, but is met by Dhalsim.

Okay….through most of the movie, they ignored what Dhalsim looked like in the video game, but at the last few seconds, they realized that Dhalsim looks nothing like his movie version so they tried to make the switch at the end for no explained reason. Charlie and Dhalsim decide to stay because Charlie can’t face anyone the way he looks now and Dhalsim feels he needs to atone for not stopping Bison.

The gate is almost closing on the hostages when we have a face turn from………


Zangief helps everyone escape before closing the gate. Deejay finds a different way out, but is joined by Sagat….who wants the money as well.

The fortress explodes and everyone, thinking Guile didn’t make it, mourns his death as Bison’s and Sagat’s forces surrender. But wait……..

Guile Survived!!!!

Meanwhile, Sagat laughs as Deejay realizes the case he stole is full of Bison money, which is worthless. Anyway, back to the good guys. How do they feel about the many men who lost their lives in this battle???

Not Too Bad Apparently…

But I guess they will feel bad that Bison is not dead. Wait….you may be wondering….when did the show Bison surviving???? Well, at the end of the credits….in what was a novel idea at the time…..they showed more of the movie where it is revealed that M. Bison did survive and wants revenge as this movie ends.

Yes, the filmmakers did plan for a sequel. The film was a commercial success so why was there never a sequel??? Well…..the answer appears before the ending credits.

If you don’t know Spanish, the translation of the second line is “Go with God”. The reason it says this is because this was Raul Julia (who played M. Bison)’s last role. Before the movie was released, Raul Julia suffered a stroke at his New York apartment and fell into a coma. Eight days later, Raul Julia died at the hospital. He was only 54 years old and is survived by his wife and two children. It was also revealed that 3 years earlier….he had been diagnosed with stomach cancer, but was trying his best to hide his suffering. Filmmakers, in probably their most wise decision, decided that no one could replace him as M. Bison for a sequel so it was never even attempted.

Let’s talk about how other people did after the movie. Jean Claude Van Damme never had another hit after Street Fighter and until 2008’s JCVD, his movies after Universal Soldier: The Return were direct to video releases. Ming-Na (who played Chun Li) caught a big break in voice acting as the voice of Mulan in Disney’s Mulan. However, all the hype that film got her was almost killed by another work she did as the voice of the main character in another film. I believed I reviewed that film if I am correct.

Oh Yeah…..That Movie.

However, like I said it almost ruined her career because she basically was able to find other work on shows like ER, The Batman, and she is currently on a show called Stargate: Universe. Kylie Minogue may not be a huge movie star, but she is an international pop icon based on her singing longevity. Wes Studi (who played Sagat) has been in a lot of movies and has found work as normally a Native American character. Miguel Nunez Jr. (who played Deejay) has been able to find work, but most of you may know him for a role he played in a box office bomb. It was a little film called….

Last but not least…..lets talk about Andrew Bryniarski (who played Zangief). Being that he was a famous body builder, he was easily able to find work. However, it wasn’t until 2003 that he would find his biggest role yet and that would be as Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. But due to my intense dislike for those films, I always do this joke anytime I see any one of those on TV.

Quick Change The Channel!!

Despite that however, he can easily say that he is the guy who has done Leatherface more than anyone else so he has that going for him.

Now onto my opinion of this movie. When I was going to induct this movie, I was going to trash it completely. However, because of availability issues…..I couldn’t do that. I think I made a joke to some people I knew that it is going to get inducted eventually and my opinion of it is not going to change. Well, I was wrong. Is it a horrible movie………yes times a thousand. But is it an awesomely bad movie……yes times a million. You see, despite what people say about Andrew Bryniarski, he was kind of funny as a moronic Zangief. And I don’t think a damn person can come here and look at Raul Julia’s M. Bison and think…..he did not fit that role. This movie was a mindless action-sploitation film. There are good jokes and if I don’t wrap my brain around this film, I can actually enjoy it…..especially after the insult that was Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Plus let’s be honest, who has not heard certain parts of this film quoted.

Now, onto my next induction…..this one has also been on a delay. However, unlike Street Fighter….it was not because of availability. It was simply because at the time, I did not want to induct this film, which would mean I would have to watch it again. But now that I have had several good laughs at the past few inductions, I think I am ready to induct this film and sit through it again.

I really hope so.

No comments:

Post a Comment