Friday, October 9, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Meet The Spartans (2008)

Monster Crap Inductee: Meet The Spartans
Could We Meet The Fockers Instead?

Well, in March……this movie was voted to be inducted in April, but since I had one veto power, I decided now was the time to use it and instead, I inducted Critters 2….which started several months worth of fun inductions. But I have held off on this induction long enough. If you are looking for much of an intro, you will not be getting one because this is from the same morons who made GINO Award winners Epic Movie and Disaster Movie. The only thing I will mention is that this movie was originally going to be called Epic Movie 2, but the folks at Fox were smart enough to tell them you don’t to associate this movie with that piece of crap as it was better for advertisements in that case. Anyway, it is time for me to get into the trash that is this movie.

We start this movie with the title card which…

Looks Like Someone Used A Sharpie Over The Skies Of 300.

Well, I just heard someone has called gimmick infringement.

Not Really, I Just Love Me Some Me.

We then see a narrator telling us that when Spartans are born, they would be inspected for defects. And what is the first baby we see…

Why It Is Baby Shrek Of Course

Well Of Course Seeing The Look On The Guy Should Tell You What He Thinks.

Man, I Really Need To Stop Drinking.

The baby asks if the guy is his mama because he is ready to suckle a tit. Of course afterwards, baby Shrek throws up green vomit on him.

Damn It, The Guy Didn’t Even Say “I Don’t Know”.

So the inspector punts the baby into a pit with dead baby bones. Oh yeah….if the baby is Vietnamese, Brangelina had first dibs.

I Have To Say Though, For This Movie They Actually Got Really Good Impersonators Of Those Two, Which Is Rare.

Then we get to baby Leonidas.
Ahh….It’s An Old Baby. Throw It Away.

Oh yeah and just like any baby…
He Gets A Stamp On His Ass To Prove He Has Been Inspected.

Afterwards, young Leonidas (still with a beard) gets his ass kicked by

An Old Woman.
Of course, we eventually see young Leonidas knock granny’s teeth out of her mouth. He is then tortured….

By A Guy Who Is Supposed To Look Like A Bond Villain (Which One I Have No Idea).

Of course the guy has blood dripping all over Leonidas for some reason. The supposed bad guy whips Leonidas in the balls and then puts wet dog food on them. He then has the dog eat the dog food off of Leonidas’ balls. This movie really is probably the most foul of the whole Friedberg and Seltzer parodies.

We then see that Leonidas is out in the wild during winter. For some reason, there is a subway sandwich in the wild so he eats it and spits it out because it had no mayonnaise. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers. We then see that Leonidas is being stalked. By what, you ask?

By A Penguin

The penguin comes up to Leonidas as he notices the stalker and this penguin dances.

If You’re Blue And You Don’t Know Where To Go, Why Don’t You Go Where Fashion Sits? Puttin’ On The Ritz.

Leonidas tries to say that the penguin has happy feet. Of course, the penguin gets insulted and starts speaking slang. The Penguin decides to do a flying…..


Of course this scene would have been funny if they decided not to show penguin balls and then take a crap on the guy. The penguin gets stuck in between two giant rocks and Leonidas decides to grab a conveniently placed harpoon gun.

Yes, This Gun Is To Be Only Used On Penguins.

He kills the penguin and while this all may be hard for a young man to swallow, there is about at least one redeeming aspect of this experience.

Leonidas Has A Spiffy New Hood.

Leonidas then decides to throw the new hood to some young girls as they fight over who gets it. Of course, Leonidas is in awe when he sees….

Carmen Electra’s Hot Ass.

She tries to get Leonidas to sign her boobs. Leonidas then asks to marry her and she responds by telling him the combination to her…..

Chastity Belt

Sheriff Of Rottingham, if you please???
A Chastity Belt! That’s Going To Chafe My Willy!

Anyway, we get a round of applause as the two marry and then, they have a son. At the request of his wife, Leonidas decides to give his son a piledriver

Leonidas then gives his son a running elbow drop, much to the delight of Carmen Electra (who will now be called Margo because that is her name in this film). Of course, we are then introduced to the Captain.

If you don’t know who this guy is (you are a dumbass in that case), he played the title character in a little show called Hercules. He was also in another show called Andromeda as the captain, but we mostly know him as Hercules. Back to the movie, the Captain tells Margo that he sees Leonidas is trying to mold his son into a fine man. We then see Leonidas’ son running from Leonidas because…

Leonidas Is Chasing Him With A Chainsaw

Leonidas also beats his son up with a steel chair and a lamp. The Captain tells Margo that his father used to beat him, but not because his father was trying to teach him. His father was just an alcoholic. Afterwards Leonidas, Margo, and the Captain decide to shoot paintballs at the kid.

Welcome To Bad Parenting 101

The Captain then tells Leonidas that Xerses’ messenger awaits. Leonidas isn’t happy about this so he shoots his son in the head.

Xerses’ Messenger Has A Cocky Swagger To Him.

Leonidas then kisses the messenger and when he asks what the hell was that, Leonidas tells him that what he just did is how Spartans greet each other. High fives for the women and open mouth kisses for the men. Of course we get shots where they are trying to tell us that the Spartans are gay. Margo tries to hit on the messenger as the Captain has a talk with Leonidas in private. Leonidas returns and decides that they should walk….

While Holding Hands.

Oh if you think this the end of the gay jokes, you are incorrect because this movie loves its Spartan gay jokes. The messenger tells Leonidas that Xerses wants Sparta now. Leonidas decides to stop holding his hand and says that they should talk by the giant pit. The messenger says okay as apparently, he doesn’t get that he is being set up. Xerses wants the Spartan men to make his pyramids, the Spartan women to be hid sex slaves, and the Spartan children work at sweat shops….

Making Nikes

Of course someone is reading a Treason For Dummies book and it is a man named Traitoro.

Traitoro is played Diedrich Bader, whose biggest claim to fame was being one of Drew Carey’s friends on the Drew Carey Show. Basically, with everything that has already been set up….you know his guy is in cahoots with the bad guys. While Leonidas is thinking this over, we see that the messenger is getting busy with Margo. Leonidas sees this and is pissed. The messenger tries to tell Leonidas that his wife is a ho, but that just pisses him off more than enough for him to declare war. The messenger then tells Leonidas that it’s cool because Xerses doesn’t need Sparta as he has everything else. Leonidas then looks at his wife and she tells him to kick the messenger into the pit. We then get them trying out the famous 300 scene with madness and Sparta. But instead of it going that way, spit comes out of Leonidas face and hits the messenger before the kick into the pit.
Bye Bye

After the messenger’s guards are kicked into the pit, Traitoro (who is very smart for a traitor) tells Leonidas to stop kicking people into the pit of death. Oh if the scene ended there, it would have been okay…..but no, this movie has to go overkill with others going into the pit of death like….

A Britney Spears Impersonator

A K-Fed Impersonator

A Sanjaya Impersonator

A Ryan Seacrest Impersonator

And Impersonators Of The Judges From American Idol

I really do hate when these guys overkills what could have been good scenes. Anyway, Leonidas decides to talk with the prophets…oh before I forget,

This Pit Of Death Has A Garbage Disposal Unit (Which Is Good To Know When Your Pit Of Death Starts Getting Full Of Bodies)

The prophets are disguised as ugly swine that advise the king and all the while need bribes.

A Bribe Of Facial Creams

Leonidas tells the prophets that he needs their guidance because he is amassing an army to go against Persia. He basically is trying to describe his battle plan, which seems like he is going to anally rape them. The prophets tell Leonidas that no Spartan goes to war without consulting the oracle. The Oracle is of course…

An Ugly Betty Impersonator

Even Leonidas is confused, but the prophets say that she has a great personality. Of course when they talk to the oracle, she tells them a “Fo Shizzle, My Nizzle” and “Save The Cheerleader, Save The World”. We then get them making fun of Leonidas with “Something Says What” jokes. The oracle then tells Leonidas that if he goes to war with Persia, he will die. We then get more disgusting humor with Leonidas being naked and women laughing at him for having a small wiener. We then see that Margo has tattoos saying that Leonidas was there….as well as.

Tommy Lee



Dr. Phil

Tara Reid


And The Oakland Raiders

Margo wakes up and sees that Leonidas is restless because of what that young oracle said. Margo tells Leonidas that there is only one woman he should listen to and Leonidas of course asks if it is Oprah. Of course it is Leonidas’ wife. She then tells Leonidas that Harry Knowles says this movie is a cheap rip off of 300. They even have the 300 book to show what they mean. When he hears the women laughing, he throws the book at them. We then get what looks like a crappy love scene, but it is instead Leonidas bench pressing Margo.

The next day, Leonidas meets with the captain and asks if he has the men ready for war. It is only 6 men and Leonidas says that he wanted 300, but the captain tells Leonidas that these six men are the only ones who met the requirements set by Leonidas. That list is hunky with deep Mediterranean tans, hot bods, and well endowed. Of course there is a fat one in the group who I don’t think meets any of those requirements (I think). He starts spouting lines like “Never Give Up, Never Surrender” and “To Infinity & Beyond”. We get more gay jokes before we continue with the story where another soldier joins. Leonidas mentions that the new guy has a huge package and while you think it is a gay joke,

It Is Not A Gay Joke.

Leonidas wonders why he isn’t fighting, but the captain says he is his son and he needs to continue his father’s legacy. Leonidas then decides to ask….

Impersonators Of The Judges From America’s Top Models.

They all like him and we get more disgusting jokes that I dare not mention. We then get a scene where Margo wishes to tell Leonidas goodbye. We get a midget joke (which is par for the course from these guys). Basically, we move on to when they leave because I don’t want to go on with these jokes….they are painful.

In Thermopylae (finally), we get a joke about the Hot Gates.

Okay, That Was A Clever Joke.

Leonidas and his fighters decide to refresh by drinking Gatorade.

Damn It, Gatorade…..Do You Have No Shame?

Wait, why is that guy with the army when we were told he wasn’t going to be there. Who knows as this film never tells us why.

Oh Yeah, And The Fat Guy Eats Crispy Crème Donuts

They are then met by a hunchback who knows that there is a secret goat path that could have the Spartans surrounded. That hunchback is known as….

Oh Dear God….A Paris Hilton Impersonator

Paris wants to join the army, but because she can’t grip a shaft of a spear correctly….she is denied. Persians come finally and we get what could be a funny action scene as Method Man is the leader of these Persian troops.

He Leads The Wutang Division.

Oh Yeah, And The Masks Have Different Faces

The fat guy tries to do the famous jump slash scene from 300, but he overshoots his target and hits a wall instead. But of course, Leonidas reveals that they are about to stomp the yard and instead we get a break dancing battle with more gay jokes and Middle Eastern jokes. We then get a song called Xerses Mix where a dance battle is put into a music video. You really must know that during all of this, my head is about to implode. Of course after that, we get….

Impersonators Of The Dancing With Stars Judges.

The Spartans then go to force the Persians off the cliff. Method Man tries to reason that he only met these guys and is not apart of this war. No one believes Method Man and the bad guys fall off the cliff. The End……if only that were true.

Oh Yeah, They Had A Plank So Some Of Them Can Do Special Dives.

Leonidas then says that his team won the battle, but the enemy will win the war. Everyone of course looks at Leonidas like a moron.

Then the Spartans decide to get beers and we get the “Real Men of Genius” segment with “Budmeister”. Okay, so Budweiser wouldn’t give them the okay to use their name, but Gatorade did. Okay Gatorade, you are really dumb. Anyway, Budmeister salutes them as “war-mongering, latent homosexuals”. Yes…..just in case no one got that the people in this film were calling the Spartans gay.

Of course back at Sparta, Margo is having what I believe is a tan……..

I Say That Knowing Full Well She Has All Her Privates Covered With Pizza and Tomatoes.

We then get her having a message where she is getting stepped on. An advisor tells her that she must convince the consul to send in more troops. Margo says her husband is dead and that she should move on. She also adds that besides, she has already added herself on J-date (whatever the hell that is). Margo still isn’t convinced despite her advisor telling her she will lose her crown, her Nintendo Wii, and her vaginal regeneration surgeon. However, once it gets her to losing her gardener….

Who Apparently Is Supposed To Be Someone She Lusts For

Once that is told to her, she decides it would be best to help her husband. She is then told to get the support of the counsel; she will need to get Traitoro’s approval as he has great influence on the counsel.

Meanwhile, the Spartans are relaxing and giving us more gay jokes, the fat Spartan tells Leonidas that Xerses is coming. And who is Xerses, you may ask.

He Is This Fat Guy.

We get another sick joke where Xerses accidentally rips off his nipple and has to staple it back on. Xerses then trips because one of the guards who were supposed to become steps came too late. Xerses then kills the guy by shooting him with a gun.

Make Me Look Like A Fool, Will Ya

Xerses tells the Spartans that they have balls for standing there when his entire army is going to shish-kabob their ass. Xerses tells Leonidas that he has a deal to offer. Then we get a Deal or No Deal rip-off, which Leonidas ultimately declines. Xerses tells the Spartans that since they did not take the deal…he will make sure that they are annihilated and erased from the history books. Leonidas says that is fine by him, because he can’t read. Okay, that joke was very predictable. The narrator says that Xerses didn’t take rejection well so her send his toughest warriors after the Spartans. They all lose, including….

Impersonators Of The “Yo Mama” Crew

Of course one of the girls in that crew is insulted by what the fat guy said about her mama, that she scratches his eye out.

Of Course Being That This Is Supposed To Be The Cast For “Yo Mama”, We Get A Wilmer Valderama Impersonator (And A Very Bad One At That).

Basically, the “Yo Mama” crew gets owned and they walk away. This makes Xerses get a chill up his spine or as the narrator says,

It Could Be The Dentyne Ice That Cool Crystals That Sent A Chill Up His Spine.

Back at Sparta, we see Margo putting water into a cup when Traitoro arrives. He tries to drink the water, but spits it out as soon as he finds out that it is Carmen Electra’s Urine Sample. Traitoro mentions that it tastes like asparagus and that joke basically falls flat to me. We see that when Margo tries to tell Traitoro why he should convince the counsel to help Leonidas, he looks at her breasts and of course, we hear the Charlie Brown Inaudible Adult voice. After that, she mentions that she will do anything for her husband, this catchers Traitoro’s attention. Margo takes her top off and Traitoro talks about how awesome it is that he is getting laid.

From Having To Listen To Drew Carey To Getting Laid By Carmen Electra, That Is Awesome.

Traitoro goes to bang Margo and tells her that he knows she isn’t going to like this, but he suffers from pre-mature ejaculation. As he is saying that, it happens, but Margo tells him that pre-mature ejaculation is okay….especially when she has…


Suddenly, we go to a harem where the hunchback known as Paris Hilton is being tempted to reveal the goat pass by Xerses. One of the things that are present at this harem is….

A Mixture Of Grey Goose And Red Bull

Xerses wants her to bow to him, but she says she doesn’t bow to anyone as she is a Hilton. However, she does bend over and Xerses is willing to take that. Paris gets her record expunged, Chanel purse, and the hump to be removed as per request. When he tries to get rid of the hump, it explodes and sends Xerses back several feet.

Back at the Hot Gates, we see Leonidas having…

A Cappuccino

A soldier tells Leonidas that Xerses has been informed of the secret goat path and immediately, Leonidas knows that Paris Hilton snitched on him. When Leonidas decides to go check on the fat guy to see how bad his injuries are, he finds out how horrible it is.

Yep, He Is Missing Both Eyes.

The fat guy tries to say that he has a spare eye, but Leonidas tells him he doesn’t because Jeremy has the spare.

Leonidas tells the fat guy to head to Sparta and tell of the battle the Spartans have fought. Suddenly, the Spartans are surrounded very quickly by Persians. Well, Leonidas has a special feeling towards this.

He Has That Looney Toon Anger.

Xerses tries one more time to get Leonidas to surrender, but all he gets are insults. This pisses him off enough to get his million Persians to attack…

Via CGI screen.

Back at the counsel, Margo tries to convince the counsel to send Leonidas some help. She does a dance that you would see in a strip club as the counsel members decide to “make it rain” by throwing dollar bills at her. Traitoro decides to be a traitor and tries to convince the counsel against helping Leonidas. Queen Margo gets mad and turns into….

Symbiote Spider-Man.

We also find out that Traitoro has..

Sandman’s Power.

But only for that instance as he gets kicked in the balls afterward…so hard that his balls come out of his mouth. Margo tackles him and turns him into sand. A cat comes by to crap all over the sandy remains of Traitoro. Traitoro re-spawns with crap on his face and that makes for a very gross scene. Margo decides to finally get rid of him using…

A Dust-Buster

Of course, via the cell phone that Traitoro left behind, Margo’s advisor lets the counsel realize that Traitoro was in cahoots with Xerses as the god-king is in Traitoro’s phone’s….

Top Five (Along with Don Imus, Nicole Ritchie, Justin Timberlake, & Rosie O’Donnell)

After that realization, they all agree to help Leonidas.

Back at the battlefield, the battle finally begins after some more gay jokes. Leonidas once again screws up by saying that they should remember this day because it is the day they die. After a stupid crash scene, the Captain gives us the best line in this movie.

The Captain: I’m Gonna Go Hercules On Your Ass!

The slow motion action scene begins as Leonidas is able to throw guys back by…

Smacking Them With A West Towel

Giving Purple Nurples

And Giving Nuclear Wedgies

This makes Xerses very angry.
Very Angry Indeed

One of the people that comes to help Xerses is…

Ghost Rider

So how do the Spartans defeat Ghost Rider?

With A Fire Extinguisher, Of Course.

Suddenly, the Persians release what is supposed to be their Uber-Immortal, but instead it is….

A Rocky Balboa Impersonator

Rocky Balboa knocks the Captain’s son’s head off.

This pisses off the Captain, who decides to beat the crap out of Rocky Balboa.

Enough So That He Is Bald And Is Wearing Adult Diapers

The Captain is able to defeat Rocky Balboa using…

Yep, Botox

He injects the Botox into Rocky’s head…

And Watches As Rocky Falls

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Captain Is Now Your World Champion

Xerses throws a spear at the captain while he is posing and kills him.

Shortest Title Reign Ever.

Leonidas checks on his fallen comrade and now is mad at Xerses so he gives chase.

Via GTA: Hot Gates

He steals a guy’s car and changes the radio to Barbie Girl from Aqua.

Yep, He Is Getting Down To Barbie Girl

After finishing his music, he sees a crowbar and grabs it.

Video Game Style

He beats a guy with guns with the crowbar and steals the guns. He then mows down Persian soldiers with the guns.

Xerses yells that this enough video game violence and of course, my favorite part of the movie sadly ends there. Leonidas chases Xerses until Xerses finds the all-spark.
Not Making This Up

He enters a car and it transforms Xerses into a giant.

A Giant Robot, Of Course

He calls himself now Xerses-Tron and is equipped with YouTube. He uses this device to show us…
The Chris Crocker “Leave Britney Alone” Video

Xerses-Tron tries to attack, but he has a plug so he dies once he is unplugged.

Of course, he falls on the Spartans so thus, the Spartans are killed.

The fat guy comes back from the battle to tell Queen Margo that Leonidas has fallen. The next day, another battle commences where the fat guy leads his army and a CGI screen against the Persians and their CGI screen. The fat guy blindly leads them out of the battle and into Malibu to kill…

A Lindsay Lohan Impersonator.

At the ending credits, we are subjected to the Spartans singing “I Will Survive” for some reason.

After the credits, Leonidas and the Spartans (despite being dead) decide to recycle. Leonidas says that they should celebrate as tonight, they dine at Hooters.

Yes, Hooters Girls Do Appear In This Movie.

Also, to continue our suffering, we see Margo watching Leonidas kick his son’s ass again. Actually…lets be honest…these are deleted scenes that were included in the actual movie for no real reason. Some of the other deleted scenes include…

Leonidas Kicking A George W. Bush Impersonator Into The Pit Of Death

Spider-Margo Getting Cut Off A Building And Taking Away Donald Trump’s Wig

Leonidas Kicking An Ellen DeGeneres Impersonator Into The Pit Of Death

More Insults Between The Spartans And The Yo Mamma Crew

Leonidas Kicking A Tom Cruise Impersonator Into The Pit Of Death

More Nonsense With The American Idol Judges

Leonidas Kicking A Dane Cook Impersonator Into The Pit Of Death

More Nonsense With The Ugly Betty Impersonator

And that is all for this movie.

Of course, you all know what happened to the morons who made this film. But let’s talk about some of the actors who didn’t do Disaster Movie. Sean Maguire (Leonidas) would be on a show called “Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire”, which lasted only 6 episodes. Diedrich Bader (Traitoro) has found work as a voice actor now. Travis Van Winkle (The Captain’s Son) was Trent in the Friday The 13th Remake. Phil Morris (The Messenger) has found work as John Jones (The Martian Man Hunter) in Smallville.

This movie was actually successful at the box office, which is why Disaster Movie was green-lighted. Sure it was on season where not much good came out but look at the film it did beat.

Yes, That’s Right….It Beat Rambo.

In fact, they made more spots where they picked on Rambo that was not even in the movie. Yes, this movie used its budget to pick on its competitor in commercials. And the sad thing is….it worked.

Now for my final thoughts. This movie was the in between for me. It may have been bad, but it had its moments that made me gore more “meh” than saying it was absolutely horrible or awesomely bad. This movie sadly, actually had potential to be funny….if it was done by better people. In the end though, this movie is just a waste of my time and while I’m not mad, I am not glad either. This film gets no reaction for me.

Well now that I am finally done with that movie, I wonder what is next. Oh, I get to watch a Kevin Tenney movie? That should be interesting as he did a great job with Night of the Demons. I wonder what film he directed that would be my next induction. What film would be so bad that I would have to make fun of a nice guy?

Oh Yeah, He Directed This Movie.

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