Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: 10,000 B.C. (2008)

Monster Crap Inductee: 10,000 B.C.
2008 GINO Award Co-Winner

In what seems to be a long time ago, for me…..I inducted the film that was the biggest disappointment in my life, The American version of Godzilla. It was directed by Roland Emmerich, who had just come fresh off one of the biggest blockbusters of the 90s in Independence Day. I was so pumped to see this film and thought there was no way this could go wrong.

Well....It Did

And because it did, I named the worst movie of the year involving a monster after the American Godzilla or as I called it……Godzilla In Name Only (GINO). Last year, the winner was Epic Movie and surprisingly, it wasn’t the worst movie in my opinion as a few months afterwards, I would induct the horror that was Transmorphers. Now this year, we had a tie between not only between what critics consider the worst movie overall of that year, but also this movie. Now I expected the earlier movie, the one that will not be named until the end of this induction, to win in a landslide and to be quite honest, it took one person from the Deadpit.com forums to make the movie I expected to win hands down the co-winner. Yes, that means that 10,000 BC almost pulled what I would consider a huge upset and quite frankly, I was looking forward to watching this movie because hell, critics didn’t put this as their number one worst movie of the year list and also, at least the two directors of the co-winner didn’t get the GINO award straight up on their own like last year. Also, I should add that originally, I said this was a remake and planned to talk about the original being nothing more than to show hottie Raquel Welch in some sexy cave gear.

But that was actually called 10 Million BC so I can’t do that. Oh, wait…..I still found a way to do it because I’m so clever.

Now before I continue with this induction, let me begrudgingly apologize to all of the people who defended the 1998 version of Godzilla. You see, I told a lot of them that there is no way that Roland Emmerich could ever do as bad a job as or even worse of a job than he did with Godzilla. Well, I was completely and horribly….

Thank you, Kevin Spacey. Now as I was saying, I was wrong about what I said because Roland Emmerich did just that. He made 10,000 BC so bad that in my opinion, the BC doesn’t stand for “Before Christ” like it normally does. No, instead it stands for “Bull Crap”!!!!! So fans….gather around and sit back as I tell you of the horrible experience that was watching 10,000 BC.

We begin this film with some crappy music that is supposed to make us believe that we are in fact watching an epic. And of course, we get a narration from Omar Shariff.

Poor Omar, As The Might Have Fallen Since Playing Shariff Ali In “Lawrence Of Arabia”.

Of course, the narrator talks about a legend of the blue eyed child will save a tribe from some evil people. Look, I know he said it like it meant something more, but he also called Mammoths “Maneks” so don’t take everything he says so seriously or else your head will hurt. Of course, the tribal sage called “Old Mother” is sought to find a way to save the tribe.

It Should Also Be Noted That Much Like Battlefield Earth, A Lot Of People Have Dreadlocks For A Reason That Is Never Explained.

But basically, the old lady foretells of “Four-Legged Demons” coming in and causing havoc for the tribe during the “Last Hunt”, but a warrior will save us and this “Blue Eyed Woman” will be his bride. The two will lead the “Yagahl” (That is the name of the tribe) to a time where they will no longer have to worry about hunger anymore. The tribe named the girl with the blue eye Evolet. Of course, D’Leh’s (that is the name of the person who is going to be the great warrior) father does not believe in Old Mother’s prophecy so he decides to leave the tribe so he can find a way to save the tribe from hunger himself. Of course, his father makes his good friend who will be forced to raise his son to tell no one of why he truly left.

Of course, afterwards D’Leh and another boy named Ka’Ren get into a fight because Ka’Ren does not like that the D’Leh’s father left the tribe. This stopped by the guy who was left to raise D’Leh, Tic’Tic (who also carries “The White Spear” that was left by D’Leh’s father). Of course as children, D’Leh and Ka’Ren form a relationship of love.

Of Course After Some Time Passes, The Title Screen Finally Decides To Show Its Ugly Head.

Of course, as the narrator tells us, the day of the “Last Hunt” has finally arrived. Of course, D’Leh is stuck on watching duties with an annoying little kid named Baku.

Unfortunately, This Kid Never Stops Becoming An Annoyance Throughout This Whole Movie So We Will Have To Deal.

Of course, this child does have some use such as revealing certain things that will be important later on in the story like, that Tic’Tic told Old Mother that he believes the time of the “Last Hunt” has arrived. Old Mother believed that Ka’Ren will win the white spear (which will go to which person kills the “Manek” (yes, they are going with this so we will all have to deal.)). The winner of the White Spear will be given Evolet’s hand in marriage. Of course, Evolet has also heard of this news and since she loves D’Leh and also thinks Ka’Ren will win, she wants for the two of them to run away.

D’Leh Will Of Course Have None Of That Because He Doesn’t Want To Be Like His Father.

No, instead he gives Evolet a necklace and says that he must be the one who kills one of the Manek. Baku, while rummaging for food in a bag hears the noise and alerts everyone that the Manek have arrived.

The hunt is organized with Tic’Tic explaining the rules of this challenge. The hunt begins and through teamwork, the hunters are able to catch one of the Manek in a net. However, the net only accomplishes in slowing the Manek down. All of the hunters jump onto the net and are dragged on the net. Most of the hunters jump off, but D’Leh doesn’t his hand is caught in the net. D’Leh is able to get his hand free and proceeds to go one on one with the Manek alone. Through a carefully placed spear and allowing the Manek to run into it, D’Leh is the one who is seen as the winner of the White Spear. D’Leh decides to claim the White Spear and Evolet, which makes her happy.

Yay On Getting The Man Of Your Dreams Through Arranged Marriage.

Old Mother begrudgingly gives him the White Spear and the Yagahl celebrate his victory.

But that victory would be short-lived as D’Leh decides to forsake the woman he loves, tell the truth, and give the White Spear back to Tic’Tic. Okay…..

You Are A Dumbass

The next day……

Evil Men On Horses Invade The Yagahl.

Actually, these are “Four Legged Demons” that were in that stupid prophecy. The evil men kill people and take slaves with them. The leader of this group notices Evolet and decides to take her with them. They then proceed to set the village on fire. The surviving villagers then wonder what to do when they all decide that D’Leh, Tic’Tic, & Ka’Ren go after the evil men and try to save those that were taken. And as they leave, Old Mother decides to wish them good luck by spitting on them…….seriously.

Of course, as soon as they reach the mountains, they realize that Baku decided to follow them. He wants revenge as the evil men on the horses killed his mother. They come across a piece of the necklace that Evolet left behind so they can follow her. Oh yeah, and throughout the rest of this movie, we get cut scenes where Old Mother falls ill and eventually doesn’t even want to eat. Oh yeah and there is snow falling or as they call it “White Rain”. At a camp, which is revealed to be the place where Evolet’s people were killed. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she is actually from another tribe that the evil men with horses killed. Of course, Evolet once again tries to leave a piece of the necklace on the ground for D’Leh to follow, but one of the evil men notices it and they have her drop the necklace. Oh yeah, and they proceed to actually whip her hands.

D’Leh finds the now bloody necklace and they continue to follow the evil men into the Jungle. Oh yeah, and did I forget to that the grass is very high. In fact, the grass is so high that one of the evil men is easily able to be picked off by some other creature that we do not see. The Horse runs and it is also picked off by whatever is in the grass.

Remember…Kids, Mow Your Lawn Or You May End Up Getting Picked Off By Creatures In Your Own Yard.

Soon, D’Leh, Tic’Tic, Ka’Ren, and Baku catch up with the evil men while they are camping in the jungle. D’Leh tries to ask the others to free everyone tonight, but Tic’Tic says that isn’t a very good idea because seeing as this place is dangerous, the evil men will keep extra watch on their camp. At mourning before the other evil men wake up, the bald second-in-command decides to try and kill Evolet. However, D’Leh is there and knocks old baldy out. He frees Evolet and once again, this movie should be over. But being as this is a Emmerich “epic”, one of the horses wakes up the evil men and basically gives away that something fishy is going on. The captain proceeds to kick his second in command before realizing that the woman he captured is missing. Tic’Tic and Ka’Ren decide that while the main group is looking for Evolet and D’Leh, they will free the rest of the captives. Of course, they are seen so several people are on the run. The chase continues until…..

Here Comes A New Challenger!!!

Yep, this little chase is interrupted by giant ostriches, which were apparently the culprits of the attack in the giant lawn. More chasing and fighting ensues, with everyone but Tic’Tic and D’Leh getting captured, only because Tic’Tic is injured by the giant ostriches. So not only was the rescue a failure, but now there are only two men on the rescue team. Nice job.

The rescue team of D’Leh and the injured Tic’Tic reach the desert…

Why Do I Feel Like I Am Watching Super Mario 3 Instead Of An Actual Movie?

In the rest area, D’Leh heals Tic’Tic through cauterization and hunts antelopes for food. While chasing the antelope, he falls into a pit where he realizes that a saber-tooth tiger is also trapped in. Rain pours and because the saber-tooth was trapped under some logs, he is about to drown in flooded water. However, instead of letting the tiger drown, D’Leh decides to save it. He even tells the tiger to not eat him when he sets him free.

The Tiger Thanks This Kindness By Backing D’Leh In The Corner.

But if you were all hoping for the saber-tooth to be a jerk and eat D’Leh and thus ending this horrible movie with a downer (Hell, I would have taken anything at this point), you like I are going to be disappointed because the tiger decides not to kill him and get his ass out of the pit. D’Leh follows the tiger into getting out of the pit and goes back to Tic’Tic empty handed. Tic’Tic shows D’Leh smoke coming over that mountain and says there was an attack because he heard people screaming. The two go to where the smoke originated from and get captured by another tribe, this one comprised of Africans. Now, if you are asking me how can I say this tribe is African, well…..

I Think It Is Pretty Safe To Say They Are African

It seems they are in trouble until the saber-tooth tiger comes in and saves the day. Because the tiger came in and basically defended D’Leh, the Naku (that is what the African tribe is called) believe that he will help free their people. Of course, they were also attacked by the evil and several of their people, including the chief’s son were captured. You see, the Naku have a prophecy as to whoever is able to speak to the “Spear-Tooth” (yes that is what they call the Saber-Tooth Tiger) will lead their people from the evil men. The chief reveals that he can speak their language because a man from their tribe came here a while ago, but was taken by the evil men. That man was revealed to be D’Leh’s father and Tic’Tic decides to let him in on why his father really left the tribe. That night, the Naku sent word to the rest of the tribes around the area that the hero has arrived.

When the receive word that that the evil men are heading towards “Great Red Birds that will lead them to the “Mountain of the Gods”. Tic’Tic decides that they need to reach the evil men before they get to the “Great Red Birds”. Meanwhile, while being forced to move by the evil men, Baku makes friends with the kid who we can guess is the chief’s son. The bald dude tries to kill the kids for acting up, but the captain stops him at the behest of Evolet. The bald second in command gets more and more unhappy that the captain is trying to please Evolet.

Meanwhile, D’Leh, Tic’Tic, and a selected number of Naku tribesmen rush through the desert where they meet soldiers from the other three tribes that have decided to join them in the rescue.

After a small conversation, the tribes decide to chase after the evil men. However, they are too late as the “Great Red Birds” have already set sail (yes, we find out the “Great Red Birds are actually sailboats).

More Like “Great Red Fish”

Feeling confident, the captain tells Evolet that she will never see him again now. One of the tribe leaders tries to recommend going through the shores of the river to the city, but D’Leh decides to be a moron and take a short-cut through the desert hills. Of course, the short cut proves to get the rescuers lost in the desert. However, D’Leh discovers the North Star and through some explanation, we can say that to follow the North Star would lead them to the “Mountain of the Gods”. They finally reach a point where they see the “Mountain of the Gods”, which is actually a pyramid that is being built.

The evil men arrive as we notice that among the slaves are also Maneks. The kid slaves are both in awe of the pyramid and try to touch it, but get whipped for doing so. We then see that even the Maneks get whipped while the two kids wonder how man can do such a thing. Oh wait…..you mean like where you were trying to kill them. Ka’Ren chimes in that they are not real men. Of course, bald men with long nails come in and are revealed to be the main leaders of the evil tribe. They carry with them a guy named “The Almighty” who is covered by silk curtains. The Almighty wants the slaves to work faster so he has one of the slaves sacrificed via, being through off a bridge.

Lamest Sacrifice EVER!!!!!

The nine-inch nail imposters then leave to go cool off inside the pyramid. Outside of the place, D’Leh makes the realization that there are too many for them to attack and attempt to sneak in the place in hopes of convincing the slaves to help in the battle. Inside the place, we see the captain buy off a slaver for ownership of Evolet. Of course, his bald second in command sees this and rats him out to the Almighty. They try to go to the guy who is basically seen as the leader of the slaves to ask for the slaves help. He says no because of another prophecy that says that the only person who can bring down the Almighty wears the “Mark of the Warrior” and of course, D’Leh does not have it. Of course, we also learn that D’Leh’s father died as a slave. The men try to get back to the camp, but are seen by some of the evil men. An ambush is attempted by the evil ones, but the rescuers prevail. Unfortunately, Tic’Tic dies in the conflict. Tic’Tic’s last act is to give D’Leh the white spear.

In the captain’s quarters, the captain tries to put the moves on Evolet where she is about to stab him with his own knife, but the bald guy comes in with the Almighty’s cronies. The captain is arrested and while they grab the knife from Evolet, they realize….

Oh No….The Mark Of The Warrior!!!!

Of course because of this, they tell the Almighty. Of course, he is not pleased and has her taken to him. Outside of the site, the Naku chief consoles D’Leh about losing a friend as he lost a friend in D’Leh’s father. D’Leh takes the spear and we get what is normal in a Roland Emmerich movie…..the “inspirational speech”. The invasion starts with D’Leh and the others blending into the crowd and hiding their weapons. Back at his place, the Almighty finds out that his fears are true. Outside, the rebellion begins. We see that reinforcements are coming so Ka’Ren decides to take them on and ends up being killed, but the diversion allows D’Leh to scare one of the Maneks into causing all the other Maneks to go wild. The rest of the slaves see this and the rebellion has turned into a full blown revolution. When the Almighty hears of the revolution, he decides that Evolet must be taken outside and killed in front of everyone.

When the slaves and rescuers come to the Almighty’s quarters. D’Leh stops and sees that Evolet has been tied up. The Almighty tries to cut a deal with D’Leh, saying that if he leaves, he will let Evolet go. Originally, D’Leh decides to take the deal, but then asks about the slaves. The Almighty tells him that he gets to keep the slaves. Well, you can kind of guess how D’Leh takes that.

Guess D’Leh Didn’t Like The Almighty’s Answer.

And the spear hits the Almighty and he dies. The rebellion continues and that evil captain decides that he still wants Evolet and tries to take her with him. The bald second in command gets his comeuppance via a spear through his chest. The bald nine inch nail guys get their surrounded and get killed. While the evil captain tries to take Evolet away, he gets an arrow to his side and both fall off the horse. It looks like we are about to get a happy ending, but the captain kills her with an arrow to the back

Boy, That Captain Sure Doesn't Like Taking No For An Answer.

D’Leh takes this about as good as any man who had his loved one killed right before him does and stabs the captain with the white spear. The palace burns and everyone celebrates, but D’Leh mourns the passing of Evolet and cries. Well, it seems like we are going for a downer kind of ending, but I am alright with that. But wait, it isn’t over as a Manek comes by to give D’Leh a nod in an awkward moment and please tell me it isn’t so. Please tell me that somehow, Evolet gets somehow resurrected. I saw her draw her last breath and she’s been dead for several minutes now…..more than what an actual person who gets revived would be dead for. Surely, Roland Emmerich does not have this sort of bull crap in mind.

Roland.....You Bastard!!!!!

She actually is resurrected as Old Mother dies. WHAT THE HELL!!!!! You can’t just say she is dead for so long and then, decide to tell everyone that we fooled you and she is alive. This is madness.

Don't You Dare, Leonidas. I Am Not In the Mood


Thank you. Now to….


God Damn You, Leonidas. You are so lucky you are actually dead because I would kill you again. Anyway…I am freaking pissed off so much that I will just give you cliff notes of the end. The Naku give D’Leh seeds to grow crops and the Yagahl never know of hunger again. The End.

Now before I give you my overall review. I have to mention that this movie was a complete bomb at the box office. Time will tell how well the actors recover from it. But for the two leads (Steven Strait and Camilla Belle)……this pretty much proved everyone’s fears (that these two can not be the lead actors to any movie) to be correct. Both had big hits, but yet they were both critically panned by reviewers (Steven had The Covenant & Camilla had the When A Stranger Calls remake).

Now time for my thoughts and….oh hell, why hide it. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!! This is probably the most pissed off I have ever been after coming out of a movie. Hey, I knew it was going to be a piece of crap, but I never knew this film would actually make me look back on the 1998 Godzilla and actually miss it. I mean…Godzilla isn’t a good movie, but it is at least a movie which is more than I can say for this piece of garbage. Somewhere Roland Emmerich woke up one day and said, “You know what? I am going to make an even worse movie than Godzilla”. Well congratulations, Roland as you succeeded. Seriously, I don’t think I have ever been more bored and then more steamed about the ending in my entire life of watching movies. So Mr. Emmerich, I am officially going to do this and officially curse the day you decided to go into directing.

Now folks who are reading my material for the first time, I normally am in a lighter mood after watching one of my inductions, but with this review….I just cant. And do you know what is worse? This isn’t even supposed to be the worst movie of 2008, according to critics. No….instead I get to induct that one next as it tied 10,000 BC for worst film involving a monster. So let’s cut to the chase and cut the bull crap because I am sure all of you by now know what the movie I get to induct next is going to be.

Oh, I pray to god that I at least hate this movie less than I hate 10,000 BC.

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