Monday, October 5, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie (2004)

Monster Crap Inductee: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie
It’s Time To Due….Due…Doodoo

Fellow crappers, I have always been a fan of cartoons as much as all of you probably have and I have mentioned that when I comes to today’s cartoons vs. the cartoons of our age, I have stated that sure there are more cartoons for today, but the quality of those cartoons are quite lacking. Sure we had some bad ones in our days.

But you have more cartoons today that are even worse and even the good cartoons like most of the anime shows are screwed over once they come to the United States by a company called 4Kids. This company called 4Kids does not understand that the cartoons that they have are not always for kids, but they decide that they need to screw the cartoons up more to make them for kids. And one of those series that they have screwed the pooch with is a show called Yu-Gi-Oh.

The original anime originally ran 27 episodes and then was brought back for 224 more episodes. This show proved to have a cult following because like most animes that were successful, it was able to market towards other successful products. To be distributed to the United States, this fell into the hands of 4Kids and because 4Kids, being who they are, decided that the anime in its original form would not adapt well to the United States so they went into extreme editing and to many of the fans I have talked to about this, they hate 4Kids with a passion and I honestly don’t blame them. When I tried watching the show and trust me when I say I have tried watching the show, I was more intrigued by what was going on behind the card duels than what was going on during the card duels because I did not understand a lick of what every card could do and they always changed the rules around. At least with Pokemon, they were more up front with the rules than Yu-Gi-Oh, which basically just goes with whatever is convenient at the times.

Now after all the cartoons were successful (despite having me lost at round one), the people decided to bring a movie to the United States and no, it wasn’t the original Yu-Gi-Oh movie that the original people for the anime made years earlier. It was the sequel to that movie called The Pyramid of Light. And they marketed this as the first Yu-Gi-Oh movie and boy did they market this hard. This was pretty much a normal movie for anime shows as they actually normally did very well when being released in theaters (Pokemon: The First Movie) or being released on DVD (any number of the Dragon Ball Z movies), but this movie was released in theaters and was for most parts a bomb.

Now before I discuss the movie, I must mention that this will be only the second animated movie that has been inducted into Monster Crap and that is for very good reasons as you could almost get away with anything in cartoons. You can get away with characters doing things that in reality would never happen because hey, it is a cartoon. All you need is interesting characters and a decent script and you would actually be able to make a movie that the whole family can enjoy. So I guess you could say that if this movie made my list, then it must be really bad and you would be absolutely correct.

In fact, the original plan was to induct this movie last year, but due to money and my Multiple Sclerosis deciding to strike its ugly head again, I was not able to get the review done. Now there was also a second time as this was planned to be the induction after the 2007 GINO Award winner, but I watched the movie and to be quite honest, I actually fell asleep during the movie so I missed almost the entire film. But that won’t be happening this time as I have rented the DVD and I have caffeine to keep my ass awake. So let’s finally get into this induction that has been months in the making.

We begin this movie with the beginning of the whole series where Egyptian kings played something called the Shadow Games and this game threatened the whole world, until a young pharaoh locked the dark magic away inside the millennium items. Now if you ask me what the millennium items are, I couldn’t answer that question as I know of only two off the top of my head and those are the millennium puzzle and the millennium eye.

At his house, we see young Yugi Moto playing with the millennium puzzle and trying to put it together.

Of course, the narrator decides to start spouting off the same line of “It was never supposed to happen, and for 5,000 years it never did”. And of course we go to archeologists in Egypt who are digging up the tomb of Anubis

Of course, when something is chained up the way the Anubis sarcophagus is chained, you probably don’t want to touch it. Now, the rest of the first scene is Yugi Moto finally solving the millennium puzzle and the archeologists in Egypt getting trapped and killed inside the tomb by falling rocks. Yugi is about to get attacked by a bunch of monsters, but is saved by the pharaoh who becomes Yugi Moto and banishes the demons and that is basically our introduction to the show and thus we get the opening title sequence that does include the title of the Pyramid of Light which the cover fails to mention.

We then move to three years later and Yugi Moto has dominated the duel monsters games, which is just a nice way of saying he is kicking ass in a children’s card game. The announcer mentions that Yugi Moto has three God cards in his deck that are supposedly very powerful and what always happens…..some young punks want to take those God cards and supposedly the only way to do that is by beating him. So instead of moving up the ranks like people who would actually have a chance do…..several of these people want to just take the top guy down. Oh yeah, and we see Mai Valentine, who is supposedly one of the more important supporting characters in this series, but this is all you will ever see of her.

Don't Be Sad, Mai. Be Glad That You Aren't Really In This Horrible Movie.

We also see Rex Raptor and Weevil in cameos which are in a ways like the movie dangling something from our past and telling us “Remember this? Huh? Huh?” Don’t worry; you will be getting that a lot with the movie putting in pointless references to the past so as to tell you that you are watching a Yu Gi Oh movie.

Meanwhile, we see Seto Kaiba, who is basically the Vegeta (Dragon Ball Z reference to anyone who doesn’t get it) of this show in that he desires to beat Yugi Moto and has at several times gotten his ass kicked. Anyway, this is a simulation for Seto to somehow finally beat Yugi Moto, but even in a simulation, he gets his ass kicked. He reacts to losing by firing the very people running the simulation. Yes, this Seto Kaiba character is also a billionaire so supposedly he can do whatever he wants. Now why would a billionaire waist his time on a children’s card game is anyone’s question and oh yeah, this guy throws money around like it is nothing, but we never see how this guy is actually a billionaire. Anyway, Seto decides to start looking at a familiar face’s house for an answer to beat Yugi. And who is this mysterious person with whom, Seto is looking to find the answer? It’s Maximillion Pegasus.

Why it is Maximillion Pegasus, the guy who created the Duel Monster game, he was also the guy who got his ass handed to him by Yugi Moto in season one so I am still wondering why you want this guy’s help. On yeah, and Pegasus also is given a card by some invisible man.

Maximillion Pegasus is having a dream where all three of the god cards are getting trapped in a blue pyramid that looks like Yugi Moto’s completed millennium puzzle. Pegasus wakes up in a sweat and just says it was a horrible nightmare. But he mentions, that while he may have lost his millennium eye a while ago (another reference to the past), he can still sense that something bad is going to happen.

Anyway, we get a pointless scene of Grandpa looking through the newspaper and seeing that there is a new display at the museum. He decides to go take a look after seeing one of the relics looks like a millennium item.

Meanwhile, Kaiba, using a jet that looks an awful like a dragon, gets to Pegasus’s private island and challenges him to a duel because he still believes Pegasus has a way of beating Yugi Moto. Of course, after doing some research, I will mention that Seto got his ass handed to him by Pegasus in season one and we get a reference to this with Pegasus kind of mentioning it in the duel. But this time Pegasus gets beaten and Seto goes to his deck and tells him that he has two cards that can beat Yugi, to which Pegasus says that he only had one.

Yugi is now at school and guess who is waiting to have a duel with him?
Yep, it is those punks from the beginning of the movie who seek to dethrone the top guy.

Of course, Joey Wheeler and Tristan Taylor, who are Yugi’s friends, decide to cause of diversion by saying you got to beat a top contender before facing Yugi and Wheeler reveals that he is a top contender. Of course one guy tries to take on Joey Wheeler gets beaten in a duel pretty badly.

Of course Yugi shows up at an inopportune time to ask if the coast is clear and of course it isn’t, so the rest of the punks stampede over Joey and Tristan to chase after Yugi, who is being helped by another one of his friends, Tea.

Anyway, the two lose the mob inside of the museum and meet up with grandpa, who is looking at the blue pyramid of light. They also bump into the tomb of Anubis and Tea gets creeped out by the mummy. And here we run into a major problem with education. They say Anubis is Egyptian lord of the dead, which is absolutely false as Osiris is actually Egyptian lord of the dead and Anubis is god of mummification or embalming. This is kind of a hard one to miss for me since I kind of was an ace at Egyptian mythology. Where do you think I got the name “Seth” from?

Anyway, the sarcophagus lights up and the mummy has disappeared. Before that, we get a vision that Yugi has that he is defeated by Seto Kaiba, but Seto his defeated by Anubis. Yugi decides to warn Kaiba of his impending fate, but he is bumped into by Mokuba, who is Seto’s brother. Mokuba tells Yugi that he was sent to find him and that Yugi is supposed to meet up with Seto.

Get Outta My Dreams, Get In To My Car

Joey and Tristan see Yugi leave in the Kaiba limousine and chase after it. Oh yeah, and there is a stupid farting joke in there. They arrive at the duel dome and Mokuba tells Yugi that Seto is waiting for him on the top floor.

While on the elevator, Yugi is seen talking to his other half who happens to be the spirit of the pharaoh who defeated Anubis years ago.

Anyway, when Yugi transforms into his other half, who will be called Atem for the rest of this review, he utters the words “Yu Gi Oh” and thus we get why this anime is called Yu Gi Oh. Oh and of course, because I haven’t shown a picture of him, here is Seto Kaiba.

Atem tries to warn Kaiba that something bad is going to happen, but Kaiba will hear none of it and the duel commences. Very early Atem is forced to call out his God cards and Seto responds by calling out the Pyramid of Light card, which locks the God cards on the outside and keeps them from being used. It also does a few more things like your hit points in this duel actually mean your life and the spirits of those who aren’t in the duel are trapped within a different dimension. Yugi is trapped inside that dimension and has to find Atem to get out. He also bumps into Joey and Tristan, who just happened to be in the duel dome at the time the pyramid of light card was drawn. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that there is a giant hole on the roof of the duel dome that was created by an explosion which was caused by the pyramid of light. Now, how no one except the main characters notices this is anyone’s guess. But I think it is safe to say that explosions must be normal in this universe.

Meanwhile, back in that alternate dimension, Yugi thinks he sees Atem and follows him to a room where the tomb of Anubis is. After some gibberish spoken by Anubis, we see….


And yep, basically throughout most of this movie, we see Yugi, Joey and Tristan running from the mummies. Someone cue the Benny Hill music please. But back in the Pyramid of Light, Atem keeps getting his ass handed to him by Seto Kaiba. Grandpa and Tea come in and meet with Mokuba who explains that both Yugi and Seto are in that Pyramid of Light. Of course, the dome continues to collapse and while no one in the pyramid can get hurt, people on the outside can. It almost seems like the end of Tea, Grandpa, and Mokuba, but Pegasus saves them through his helicopter.

Get To The Choppa!!!!

While on the copter, Pegasus explains that Anubis has been setting this whole duel up in hopes of gaining his vengeance. Back in the alternate dimension Yugi confronts Anubis who reveals that when Yugi released Atem in the beginning of the movie, he released Anubis as well. And that is where the biggest problem comes in. It has been three years since that happened, has Anubis been sitting on his ass twiddling his fingers while all of this was going on. Tea senses all of this and allows her spirit to fall into the pyramid of light which teleports her into the alternate dimension. Oh yeah, and despite the fact that she is creeped out by mummies, she apparently has no problem kicking their heads off. Oh yeah and Tea reveals their friendship marks

And yes, this is another reference to the TV anime which basically is trying to get the Yu Gi Oh fans to forget that this movie has more holes in its plot than Swiss cheese. We also get a speech about how there is nothing more powerful than friendship. Well, I can think of one and that is a coherent storyline, which this movie doesn’t have. Oh yeah, and all the mummies are just standing there, wondering just like you, “What the hell is going on here???”

When after a short fight scene, it seems like they are all screwed as the mummies wont die. Meanwhile, back in the pyramid of light, Seto decides that he can control the god cards by destroying the pyramid of light. He tries doing so, but is interrupted when Anubis finally shows his ugly head.

Now before I continue this, let me show you the trailer.

Now most of that trailer hypes up Anubis’ arrival….however, I have just tallied it now and its just less than 1 hour and 11 minutes before we actually see Anubis’ physical form. Yes, whoever saw this movie in theaters planning on seeing the ultimate villain in the Yu Gi Oh saga known as Anubis got the Spider-man 3 treatment where the character you wanted to see is only in the last half hour of the movie.

Back to the movie, as Anubis is gloating over how genius his plan is and reveals his two monsters Sphinx Teleia and Andro Sphinx.

Back in the alternate dimension, Yugi remembers that he has to use the dagger of fate on the eye of Anubis. He grabs the dagger and stabs the eye.

This weakens Anubis greatly and allows everyone’s spirit to return to their original bodies. And with Yugi and Atem reunited, they both use one of Kaiba’s cards to defeat the pyramid of light and the two sphinx halves. But Anubis revives both of his sphinxes and has them combine to become Great Sphinx.

But Yugi also has a trick up his sleeve as he reveals that by destroying the pyramid of light, he has control over his god cards again and uses them to destroy Anubis and Great Sphinx and thus ends our horrible movie experience.

But wait, it seems Anubis has another card up his sleeve as he turns into a monster.

Oh yeah, and he destroys part of the duel dome again. Seriously, how not a single person on the outside is concerned with this is anyone’s guess. Everyone else brings their cards out to fight Anubis, but Anubis just swats them like flies. When all else seems lost, Yu Gi Oh summons the blue eyes shining dragon which sacrifices itself to kill Anubis once and for all. Seto leaves after spouting some crap about how they will meet again and this time he will win before leaving while Mokuba follows. We get one more closing monologue about how friendship makes you a winner. Okay…..someone get Joe Esposito to cue up “You’re The Best Around” for me.

Anyways the movie is finally over and before I get my thoughts, I must say something. I have been told by several people who watch Yu Gi Oh that there is actually a Japanese version of this film that is way better than this version. I looked it up and while this version’s plot involves Anubis wants revenge and awakens after Yugi solves the Millennium puzzle, the Japanese (and from what I am told, better) version’s plot involves Anubis wanting revenge by using the King of Light (Kaiba) to defeat the King of Darkness (Atem) in order to revive himself and use Kaiba to become the new king of the world. You know, after watching this movie, that Japanese plot actually makes more sense so 4Kids, you suck.

Now onto my thoughts about this turd of a movie. Like I said before, it must be a really bad animated movie to even have my attention and with all its plot holes and characters you don’t give two cents about, it is definitely that bad. Now I have never seen the Japanese version nor do I plan on ever seeing it, but there is a version that I did see and not only was it actually entertaining, but it wasn’t even close to the length of this movie and that version is done by Abridged series master LittleKuriboh. Actually the whole Yu Gi Oh Abridged series is better than the actual series and here is a link to his site just because I feel like giving a free shill to him.

Well….the next month will be October, where we can drink, dress up in costumes, and get candy. But like always, you will end up getting some type of garbage and the movie that is next is no exception so let’s see what it is.

Resurrection my ass!!!!

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