Friday, October 2, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Howling 2: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Howling 2: Your Sister Is A Werewolf
Whose Bright Idea Was It To Put Orgies In A Werewolf Movie?

Folks…..It has been a while since I have done one of these. Now I could go through the tons of excuses like the Multiple Sclerosis and those might be legit, but part of me just didn’t want to have to do this review because quite frankly, I didn’t want to watch the movie which I have sworn I would induct next. Now, there has only been one other time in my memory where I had that much desire to avoid a Monster movie and that would have been Monster A Go-Go. Hell, if you look at that review and wonder why I didn’t do more, it would be because I would have to sit through the pile of crap once again and I would rather do so many other things than watch that movie ever again. So I am guess that says a lot about the film that I am about to induct and it does.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with The Howling whatsoever, in fact I dare say the original is one of my top five favorite werewolf movies of all time. Also, when you see that horror legend Christopher Lee and lusty bombshell Sybil Danning are in it, you would kind of draw the conclusion that this film would be very good. But, sometimes they say successful films tend to suffer from what people call “sequelitis”. Well, this film is the epitome of that word.

So without further ado, let’s get this pile of garbage over with.

We begin this movie with a reading of a book from Christopher Lee. He is spouting off something about evil and such nonsense. But after seeing what I was about to see, I would kind of rather this movie be just Christopher Lee telling little kids bedtime stories.

Also, by just looking at that picture and looking at every picture I have seen of Mr. Lee, I am forced to ask myself if this guy had a really good day, would you even know. I mean seriously, the man looks like he lost his smile and never found it.

We then move to the credits as we see statues and paintings. We also hear the crappy yet catchy tune which we will get to later. We move on to Los Angeles in the state of California in the United States of America. How do we know this, you may ask?

Because This Movie Is Kind Enough To Tell Us.

We are also supposed to remember that Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels.

We move to a church where there is a funeral procession going on. It is of course the funeral of one Miss Karen White. Now if you are wondering who this is, you obviously have not seen the first Howling movie and if you have not done that, I feel sorry for you. Karen White was the protagonist of the first movie and she was a news reporter who was being stalked by a serial murderer. During an attack by her stalker, she gets amnesia and is sent to a resort. Unfortunately, we find out that the resort is actually home of a colony of werewolves. Of course, she escapes the resort, but is bitten. On television, she turns into a werewolf and is shot by her late best friend’s boyfriend during the shooting. If you want to see that scene, here you go.

Of course, if you are looking at the woman in that scene and you look at the woman in the casket, you might ask yourself one question. Why does she have red hair there and blonde hair when she was shot? Well, here is the answer. It isn’t the same actress as Dee Wallace Stone would not do the sequel. Also, it appears that that the filmmakers didn’t have enough money to do the simple and easy task of changing the color of her hair so she would be blonde.

Anyway, the priest continues to babble on about the terrible violence that has claimed poor Karen’s life. You know, I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember a priest trying to talk about anything that is not in the damn bible.

Outside of the funeral, we see one of Karen’s co-workers Jenny Templeton being told about the fact that mot to far, there were bodies of several people supposedly attacked by wild dogs. She is told that her film crew will meet her there, to which Jenny accepts the task given to her. Of course, we never see her doing that job, but we move on. After being told about her job, she starts looking at two people speaking.

Oh, if you do not remember who this guy is, be aware that he has unfortunately been in a previous film that was inducted on this site. Of course, the crew from the Satellite of Love remembers this man, don’t you?

Oh, We Remember Reb Brown.....

Now if you haven’t figured out who this guy is, let me give you the answer. The guy’s name was Reb Brown and he was famous for being Captain America in a television series. He is also known for having the look of a leading actor, but never ever having the substance….meaning he could barely act out of a paper bag. He has been in a certain movie where he has been given a slue of names, but basically is David Ryder in the craptastic film………

Anyway, Stefano leaves and walks down a narrow path.

He sees two people, Mariana and Erle, watching the funeral procession and they both give looks towards each other which kind of signifies that these three have met in the past.

Anyway, Jenny stops Stefano and wants to know what he knows about Karen White. Stefano is very blunt and just says that he knows that Karen is a werewolf. He leaves and Ben walks in wondering what Stefano had to say. She is blunt with him and tells him that Stefano says your sister is a werewolf. Oh course, he doesn’t believe a damn word of that and we see Karen in the casket trying to get out.
We then move to a night club where we see a punk band howling and then for some reason sing, “Ow Ow Ow Ow”. Oh, there are singing “Howl, Howl, Howl, Howl”. For a minute, there I thought the band was crying for help. But that isn’t the worst part as we see that Christopher Lee is at this club and before I show you this picture, I must do a warning.

We at Monster Crap are not responsible for anything happening while viewing said picture. Anyways, here is the picture.

Yes, folks……they actually had that scene in the damn movie. It is kind of like if your grandfather decided to start rapping in front of you and your friends.

Anyway, Mariana shows up at the club and several guys at the bar try to hit on her. The guys are successful as she takes them to an abandoned warehouse. And now it is time for that punk band to sing that catchy yet crappy theme song you heard at the beginning of the movie, but this time with lyrics. Of course, the first time I ever heard this song, I confused the lyrics like the last one. When they were singing “Howling”, I thought they were “Bowling”.

Meanwhile at the abandoned warehouse, Mariana leads the drunk guys into the warehouse and one of them of course has a lady friend of his own. Mariana has a howl of her own before stripping butt ass naked and hiding. The one guy with a chick of his own decides to go with her to make out somewhere else. Mariana shows the other two boys her body before hiding and the horny duo say some stupid lingo about wanting to play. Mariana then howls again as a glass bottle is thrown at the head of the shortest of the duo. He doesn’t like that and brings out a switchblade. The larger of the two makes some speech about not making the small one mad because you wouldn’t like him when he’s mad.

Of course, after that….the big guy gets hit with a giant pipe thrown somewhere. After that, the two decide to spread out. The small guy says he knows that she is around and that he has something for her, while zipping and unzipping his pants. Of course, this is what he has to look forward to.

Yeah, she is changing into a werewolf. But they don’t know it until it is two late and all of them drunk guys and girls are getting killed one by one until they are all dead. And now if you are wondering why it is daylight and they are killing people, I forgot to tell you that in the first movie, the werewolves can change any time they want to.

We then transition to a car driving up to Stefano’s house. In the car are Jenny Templeton and Ben White. Ben wants to know why they are where they are and Jenny answers she believes Stefano knows something and it might lead to a great story. They are being watched by Erle as Ben produces a gun from his pocket. This of course makes Erle interested and we see him wiping his feet on the ground. Sadly Erle has a strange habit of doing that.

Inside the house, Stefano shows Ben and Jenny the recording of the last show from Karen White. There we see Karen turning into a werewolf and getting shot. Now once again, the werewolf Karen shown in the first movie and the werewolf Karen shown in this movie are two different werewolf costumes. So basically, they didn’t have enough money to dye the new actress’s hair blonde, but they had enough money to get an additional werewolf costume. Ben sees the video and thinks it is a fake, but Jenny smartens him up by saying it wasn’t a fake as she recognized those people. Oh yeah…..Karen is also wearing a different color outfit in this movie than what she was wearing in the first one. Once again, they don’t have enough money to dye someone’s hair, yet that have enough money to buy another outfit.

Anyway, Stefano shows Mariana’s picture and asks if they have seen her before. Jenny says that she has, at Karen’s funeral. Stefano says that Mariana is also a werewolf. Stefano says that Mariana is a type of werewolf that is immune to the silver bullet and that only titanium will kill those types of werewolves. He also produces a titanium stake and mentions that the silver bullets were taken out of her body so she is still alive. Stefano says that tonight, they will try to go to Karen’s grave and take her body as they will not allow one of there own to stay in isolated ground. Stefano is not going to allow that and will make sure that Karen rests in peace.

Ben still doesn’t believe any of this, but Stefano says it is all true and that their leader is a female werewolf named Stirba. He says that Stirba must be destroyed before the werewolves join forces to rule the world. Ben will hear no more of it and leaves. Jenny goes to leave as well, but Stefano gives her some silver bullets that she can take with her.

Inside Jenny’s house, Jenny and Ben have some Bloody Maries. Jenny tells Ben that she believes him while Ben tries to convince her it is all false. He then wonders if Stefano is going to set traps at the cemetery and catch werewolves. Jenny then looks at him and tells Ben that he forgot about the stake. Ben puts two and two together and figures out that Stefano will be driving that titanium stake into Karen’s heart. Of course, he will not be having any of that and heads off to stop Stefano. Jenny, seeing a conflict about to arise tries to stop Ben.

It’s nighttime now and Stefano is at the church and has Karen’s casket ready. Of course we also hear that stupid song again. Ben and Jenny park near the church and see that the gate has been left open. Ben has a shotgun with him and you know what he will do with that thing. We then hear howls and we see that there are werewolves in the vicinity.

Inside the crypt, Stefano is praying near Karen’s casket while a werewolf version of Erle watches on. Ben and Jenny are still heading towards the crypt when they hear more howls. Oh yeah, and did I mention that the lighting for this film is absolutely abysmal so you can barely see what is going on. Back inside the crypt, Stefano is putting holy water on the stake as Erle watches on. Outside, Ben now is given silver bullets and loads them into his shotgun as we see the werewolves attack. Ben then gives out that legendary Reb Brown scream that almost sounds like he is either taking a serious dump or is about to hurl as he kills off the werewolves.

They get in the church and Ben points the shotgun at Stefano, telling him to get away from Karen. Stefano tries to reason with Ben, but Ben won’t have any of that. Karen turns into a werewolf and attacks Stefano, but Ben shoots the werewolf and kills his own sister. More werewolves try to attack, but Ben dispatches them one by one. During this attack, Erle is shot and tries to escape. They chase after Erle and Stefano produces a net so he can catch Erle. Stefano shows the stake towards Erle and asks him where Stirba is. Erle says that he will never reveal her location, to which Stefano replies that Erle will be stuck like this for all eternity. Erle of course wants to finally rest so he gives up Stirba’s location, which is in Transylvania. Stefano then uses the titanium stake to stab Erle and Erle dies, turning back to human. Of course, Mariana sees all of this and is not happy that Erle is dead, but retreats nonetheless.

Stefano tells the two that he has to leave them and kill Stirba. However, after seeing all that he has seen, Ben and Jenny want to go with them and make sure that what happened to Karen never happens to anyone else.

We then move to Transylvania and we see the clock that we saw in the opening credits of this film. However, there is a huge location problem, this film would have you believe that Transylvania was in what was called Czechoslovakia, but unfortunately Transylvania is actually in Romania, which I believe is a long ways away from Czechoslovakia. Yes folks, this film even fails geography. And that damn stupid song is back on.

A train arrives at Transylvania and we see that Mariana is on board that train. Mariana gets off in a very revealing outfit and meets another werewolf named Vlad. They exchange greetings and Vlad takes her to Stirba. They load Mariana off in the back of a truck with other werewolves and head off.

We then see two generic German stereotypes that are walking down the road. They see the truck and try to get a ride. The drivers allow them in the back where the two Germans are killed by the werewolves.

At the castle, there are some weird chanting going on with Stirba in the middle.

The drivers allow them in the back where the two Germans are killed by the werewolves.

At the castle, there are some weird chanting going on with Stirba in the middle.

She is old at the moment and they bring in a young woman. Oh, did I mention that the chanters all are wearing what looks like S&M outfits. Stirba then goes up to the young woman and with some stupid special effects, is able to turn young again, while the other woman turns into a skeleton.

Yes folks, that is Sybil Danning and you will be seeing a lot, and I mean a lot, of her through this movie. I will admit that at that time she was hot as hell and I would have wanted to bang her till the next full moon, but I am getting off on a rant. Let’s get back to the movie.

Actually, I have to get off on another rant, this whole thing where the old woman turns young again thanks to the youth of another young woman is very similar to the tell of one Countess Elizabeth Bathory. If you don’t know who she is, then perhaps you might want to look her up.

Back to the movie, and damn it, that stupid music is playing again while everyone is howling except Stirba.

Now in Stirba’s bedroom, we see Mariana brought before Stirba and an orgy begins between the two and Vlad. Now normally sex with two women is very attractive and yes, there is nudity. However, they are in the midst of transformation so they end up with hair all over them so a scene that would normally be very hot for horny heterosexual men turns into a scene where the only people who would be turned on are bestiality fans

Meanwhile, in the road, Ben, Jenny, and Stefano are driving around in a car and they are stopped by a group of villagers with a woman lying in the middle of the road. Of course, it is all a trap and Stefano realizes this so he kills the woman in the middle of the road. Stefano heads to the village and tells the two that he will meet them there. While Ben and Jenny are driving, they find out that a werewolf is in the back of there car. Ben shoots and kills the werewolf, but they almost drive their car off a cliff.

Ben and Jenny reach the village where they see all sorts of shady characters. Ben then tells Jenny that if the two ever get separated, they should meet back up at the hotel. They enter the hotel and get one room with a view. They ask if they had seen Stefano, to which the hotel clerk says he hasn’t. He also reveals that there is a local festival going on to celebrate the coming of the new full moon. He gives them Room 666 (ironic, isn’t it). Ben says that the hotel doesn’t look like it has 6 floors. The hotel clerk says that he knows, but it is funny though that they have 6 floors. The bellboy then shows them to their room.

In the room, Jenny reveals that she has garlic. Okay Jenny, unless any vampires are going to show up, you don’t need the garlic. Ah yes, after that Ben and Jenny decide to make whoopee.

Yes.....You Can Smile, Bob

And we only know that they are done making whoopee is thanks to this fellow.

We next see the two outside where they are met by a midget.

Come on, you had to have known that they were going to bring out a midget. It’s just one of the many things almost needed in a very bad 80s movie. Anyways, the midget tells them to follow him, to which they do. The midget leads them to a church where they meet Stefano and find out that in the room with him are a group of men whose only objective is to rid the world of Stirba and her werewolf minions. Stefano shows them again the picture of Mariana and says that she is here and they need to find her to get to Stirba. Stefano gives the two medals to wear so they can be protected from evil.

Now it is night and we see everyone dancing and celebrating the local festival. Ben and Jenny are being shown around the place by the bellboy. We even see puppet shows where the girl puppet gets attacked by the evil wolf puppet in sheep’s clothing and the little kids obviously love this story. The bellboy tries to say that it is charming, but Jenny doesn’t think so, so she and Ben go back to their room.

And the bathroom, we see the creepiness of Reb Brown while Jenny is taking a bath. Now as much as I would love to describe this scene, it is just too priceless that you need to see it for yourself.

Frightening, isn’t it. And this man once played Captain America.

Of course, back at the werewolf castle, we see Vlad, Mariana, and Stirba all making whoopee again, and yet they are in their transformation forms so they look hideous. Back at Room 666, we see that the two lovebirds, Jenny and Ben are in the bed, thankfully not making whoopee. You know, you would never think that you would hear those words from a heterosexual, but with all the nasty orgies with lead nowhere, I kind of just want this movie the go through. Jenny is basically showing some Czech language translations for wolf and for the place where wolves live. Funny as this movie is supposed to be in Transylvania, which is in freaking Romania, which those people don’t speak Czech.

The following afternoon…..

Thanks Movie For Letting Us Know That.....

We see the villagers once again dance as Ben sees both Vlad and Mariana and decides to follow them. He tells the bellboy that he is going to give Jenny a gift and leaves. Vlad and Mariana are told by the hotel keeper, who is a werewolf that Stefano is here. They look at Stefano and Stefano looks back with him with a pipe in his mouth. The midget comes up to Stefano and asks if that is the woman they are looking for. Stefano says that is her and that she is extremely deadly.

Meanwhile, Jenny asks the bellboy where Ben is and the bellboy tells her that he went away for a moment and said to meet them at gypsy camp. Obviously this was false, so we know something is amiss with this bellboy fellow.

It is night now and we see Stirba in a very revealing outfit. So revealing that I don’t feel like showing it.. She starts chanting some weird chant (aren’t all of them weird) which is given some editing by the sound effects crew.

Meanwhile outside, Vlad and Mariana are being unknowingly followed by Ben and the midget. Now I know he has a name, but goddamn it, he is just the midget to me. While the two are hiding, the midget gives Ben some earplugs so he can cover his ears. What these are meant for, you are about to find out. The midget takes out the guard as the two look into a window to see a meeting between Vlad, Mariana and Stirba. Vlad and Mariana report that Stefano is near. Stirba reveals that Stefano is her brother. She says that Stefano plans to destroy her, but she plans on killing him first. Mariana wants to kill him, but Stirba, like Stefano, wants to do the deed herself.

It is at this point that Stirba spots the two in the window and the two spies decide to make a run for it. Stirba also sends Vlad and Mariana after them and starts doing another chant. The lighting once again sucks, but from what I can tell, Vlad and Mariana are completely werewolves while chasing them. The midget loses his earplugs after falling and is unfortunately tortured by Stirba’s evil chants. The midget tells Ben to leave him, to which he does. The special effects that lead to the midget’s end are rather crappy, but at least we see some eye popping as well.

Meanwhile elsewhere, the bellboy has Jenny deeper in the woods and decides at this point to reveal his true allegiances (he is evil). The bellboy plans on raping and killing Jenny, however he is stopped by Stirba, who take him away to be punished. She also decides to take Jenny with them and use her as bait for Stefano.

Stefano is watching the festivities when he sees what looks like a masked child carrying Jenny’s necklace around. Stefano asks where the kid got it, but the kid runs away. Stefano chases the kid into an alleyway. Stefano tries to talk to the masked child, but we find out that it is the possessed body of the midget. The midget tries to kill Stefano, but is killed by Ben. Stefano then reveals that he fears that Jenny has been captured by the enemy. Ben reveals that he found the castle and immediately goes to show Stefano and his men where it is.

In the dungeon made completely out of skulls, we see Vlad painting blood all over Jenny, who is bound and gagged.

Back at the church, Stefano and his men arm themselves with holy weapons (prism of consecrated oil used like a grenade, wax from the sacred candles used as earplugs, a titanium dagger for stabbing, holy water which if splashed upon will kill any evil, and a chalice which holds the sacred blood of Christ for I have no idea….a good time I guess) and give Reb Brown a shotgun that has titanium bullets in it. After that, they all head out to end the battle between man and werewolf.

Meanwhile, Stirba has a party with Mariana, Vlad, and her S&M cohorts, and guess who also joined the party

Yes they are back and are singing the same damn song over and over again. While they are all doing this, everyone decides to get into an orgy pile. Oh dear god, enough with the damn orgies already. Stirba decides to do me and everyone else watching a favor by ending the orgy. She tells the werewolf minions that their enemies have arrived and that they should go out and kill them.

The group of werewolf hunters goes into the woods and heads for the castle. Unfortunately, two of the members are killed by werewolves attacking and the prism of oil has been used before they can finally reach the castle so only three (Stefano, Ben, and a priest) are still alive. The team decides to separate, but unlike last time they all make it to the castle.

Stirba then has Mariana and Vlad bring her Jenny, which they try to do. Unfortunately, for some reason, Vlad can’t control his powers of transformation anymore and just wants to kill. Luckily for Jenny, Ben has found his way into the dungeon and offs both Vlad and Mariana before saving Jenny and killing a few more werewolves on the way out.

Meanwhile, the priest finds Stirba and tries to sneak up and kill her, but Stirba has a plan of her own which kills the priest via a creature on her staff coming to life and killing him.

Stefano enters the castle and meets up with Stirba. Stirba tries to use her charm to get to her brother (incest?), but while we could only see this……..

Stefano only sees this.

And not even Christopher Lee is going to fall for that. Stefano stabs Stirba killing her and with the flames that come out of her evil corpse, kills himself as well. The movie ends with Ben and Jenny living happily ever after at a new hotel for Halloween.

…Or is it. You see, they see a child with some very good werewolf costume and they actually think it is a real werewolf, but the kid takes candy which kind of tells you he isn’t a werewolf. They think the kid is the son of a new neighbor, but find out that the new neighbor is a creepy priest who seems a little perverted. Oh and how can we end this movie even worse?

There is actually the whole ending credits which kind of recaps this whole movie. I would show you it, but it involves Stirba showing her boobs about a hundred times, which kind of tells you this whole movie was just a stupid excuse to show us Sybil Danning’s breasts, which fans of hers have already seen.

Well, before I get to my final thoughts and the critical reaction, I must tell you the aftermath of this film from two different actors, Christopher Lee and Sybil Danning, two very qualified icons that I would love to interview sometime.

First, we go to Miss Danning, she would end up married to a German businessman Horst Lasse, who was so in love with her that after she wanted to keep her maiden name, he not only agreed but changed his last name to Danning as well. Talk about commitment. Anyway, after 1989, she took some time off from acting, but has returned in 2007 and will play Nurse Wynn in the upcoming Halloween remake.

Christopher Lee also didn’t take a whole lot of hit from the press for doing this film, but he was completely embarrassed by doing this film. Now unlike Leonardo DiCrapio who did Critters 3 as his first movie, this was not his first go around and had already made a name for himself before doing this film. Christopher Lee was so embarrassed by doing this film that when he was cast to do Critters 2, which was directed by the same director as the original Howling, he went up to the guy and straight up apologized for being in the damn movie. Dear god….talk about dedication. Christopher Lee is still an icon and can easily find work whether it be working for George Lucas, Tim Burton, Peter Jackson, or any of the top actors these days.

Now my thoughts on this film are like the public, this film is brain damaging awful. This is the second worst movie I have ever seen, and only Monster A Go Go was worse. The lighting was horrible. The special effects were horrible. The script really made no sense. And most insulting of all, it didn’t even keep anything intact from the original film other than the fact that Karen White is dead. It is the first time ever for me that I was thanking god that an orgy scene was over and I don’t think anyone would enjoy those scenes. Well, one thing might….

The Horny Owl

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