Monday, October 5, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Monster Crap Inductee: Halloween Resurrection
More Of A Trick Than A Treat

Well….it is Halloween season and what better way to do it than to induct a movie known as Halloween


Well….sort of.

You see, there is no way in hell I would induct the original Halloween. If I did, I don’t know how many Michael Myers would come to my house to kill me; one Michael Myers trying to kill me is enough. However, instead of watching that classic, I will be watching the eighth film in the series, Halloween Resurrection. Hey, why should it suck….I meant has Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Myers, and a rapper in it. Hey….it worked with Halloween H20. Why would this movie be different than that?

I’ll tell you why. Because H20 had LL Cool J and Resurrection had Busta Rhymes. LL Cool J can actually act, and doesn’t have problems getting major roles. Oh this movie also has Tyra Banks, who should never get a major role in a movie. And if you think Jamie Lee Curtis can save this movie, you will find out very early that she would not be able to save this movie. So let’s get the review over with.

First during the opening this film gives us some assurance that this movie may be good as Rick Rosenthal is directing this movie. Rick has had history with Michael Myers as he directed Halloween II, which is actually considered a decent sequel to the original. Of course all that disappears when the first name of the actors appears.

Of course after that we get a bunch of unknown actors until we get special appearances from

Yep, Sean Patrick Thomas who is best known for his role in the movie “Save The Last Dance”.

Next up is Tyra Banks.

She has done a few movies, but she is basically well known for being the first African American to pose for the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

And finally…..

So the biggest actress you have only makes a special appearance? Oh no, this isn’t going to end well, is it? Well, we start this film off with a mental institution, which I would understand. But wait; in Halloween H20, didn’t Michael Myers get his head cut off? Yeah, he did…so how would we explain how Michael Myers is still alive, I mean…..they would never be dumb enough to do a Halloween movie without Michael Myers?

Oh Wait.....

Well, since Michael Myers is on the cover, he has to be in the movie so how do we explain Michael Myers still being around. Please let it be that Michael Myers is kind of like the Headless Horsemen, who is carrying his head and killing people too?

Well, Michael Myers crushed some paramedic’s larynx, knocked him out, changed clothes with him, and just let him be the one to get his head cut off while he goes the wimpy way out and runs away. He might as well have been Eric Cartman.

Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home

Well, we go back to the mental institution and find out that Laurie Strode is instead in there.

Wait a minute. On the movie poster and cover, isn’t Laurie Strode on the cover with short hair. But on here, she has long hair. Goddamn it, you know what this means? The people who made the DVD cover and poster didn’t even see the movie and just copied Laurie Strode’s hair from Halloween H20.

Anyway, two nurses give Jamie her medicine and when they leave, she spits out the pill and hides it in her doll.

She just stares out that window and thinks she sees Michael Myers, but she doesn’t.

I'm Suprised Michael Myers Doesnt Have A Boom Box That Plays Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" Here

Of course, we get the fat security guard who is checking outside and sees the gate open. He then runs into one of the mental patients, Harold, who is dressing up as John Wayne Gacy and even gives us some stats on the guy as if we are looking to make trading cards of America’s Most Famous Serial Killers. Of course, we see that Michael Myers is actually here. A security camera picks him up, but for some unknown reason the fat guy and another security guard think it is Harold, who was put into his room two seconds ago. Now I don’t know about you, but if you are a security guard and you see somebody you can’t see all too well, you wouldn’t assume it was one of the inmates and instead believe it was a trespasser, but they think it is Harold and head to get him.

Now while in the dark hallway, the fat security guard decides that he is hungry and decides to get a snack. The skinnier guy decides to continue on alone and of course we hear his scream. The fat guy checks in the laundry room as he sees the washing machine running. He stops the machine and checks inside. To his horror, he sees only this.

Anyway, Michael comes down from the ceiling and kills the fat guy.

Now Michael Myers goes around and finds Laurie Strode’s room. He busts through the door and just like in Halloween II, he sees something under the covers and assumes it is Laurie Strode. His mistake costs him as Laurie hits him with a lamp. This lamp doesn’t knock Michael out for long and he chases Laurie to the roof. On the roof, Michael Myers sees something that looks like a curtain and thinks that Laurie may be trying to climb down. Of course, Michael still doesn’t get that it is a trap and of course, gets his leg caught on a rope that was set up by Laurie. He drops the knife and Laurie picks it up. Laurie makes some speech as she is cutting the rope so Michael falls two stories on his head, but Michael starts acting like the paramedic by covering his hears. Laurie for once decides to be a moron try to take Michael’s mask off. But she forgets that Michael is still within arms reach of her and gets grabbed by Michael. Michael has her and while the rope breaks, Michael is able to the knife and kills Laurie with it. She kisses her brother like Michael Corleone kisses Fredo and falls to the ground.

Yep, the main heroine throughout the movies that count is killed off in the first 15 minutes. Well, so much for your big name actress being in this movie. Now I checked this movie and of course to my chagrin, it has 74 minutes to go so yes, at this point is when the true pain begins. We leave the mental institution with Michael handing the bloody knife to Harold, who proceeds to give up stats for Michael Myers as Michael leaves and we finally see the title to this movie.

We go to Haddonfield University where a girl named Sara Moyer is learning about people’s dark side from a teacher.

After class, she meets with one of her friends, Jen who tells her that they have been accepted to a reality TV show.

They tell another friend, Rudy about it and he is happy.

Please Try To Save The Last Dance In This Movie

Sarah is reluctant, but is talked into it by her friends. In her dorm room, Jen can’t wait for people to see her face since she dreams of being a famous reporter. Of course, some weirdo jerk decides to warn them of the Myers household jokingly. If you have not surmised by my last sentence, the reality show will take place inside the old Myers house, which is run down now.

Sarah then decides to go texting with her online friend, Deckard, who she doesn’t really even know and how do I know she doesn’t know. Well, she kind of has a crush on the guy and Deckard is actually a high school freshman named Myles.

Now, I have to think she doesn’t know (besides the fact that the movie tells us that straight up) is that if she did know, it would be my obligation to warn Chris Hansen of this.

Why Dont You Have A Seat There?

At a motel, the heads of this reality show studio called Dangertainment give their cast some time to tell some stuff about themselves and what do you know, the heads of Dangertainment, Freddie Harris & Nora, are….

Busta Rhymes And Tyra Banks

The other people in the cast are

Bill (who is played by Thomas Ian Nicholas, who you may best remember as the guy who got it on with Tara Reid’s character in American Pie), who joined because Michael Myers is more than a man and is a legend;

Donna (who is played by Daisy McCracken. Okay, get all your jokes on her last name out now because this last name is funny, it is not something I am going to get into.), who joined because she believes Michael Myers embodies the politics in violence in pop mythology;

Jim (played by Luke Kirby), who believes Michael Myers is the great white shark in our society and believes that the monster could be anyone, even you.

Of course we once again hear from Jen that her objective is to get on network television and she believes that she looks like a younger Diane Sawyer. Unfortunately, you can tell that she doesn’t even have half the brain that Diane Sawyer does.

That's My Line!!!

Yes, I know that was your line, Sid. Of course, we aso find out that Rudy believes that Michael Myers suffered from malnourishment, commenting that Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian. You know, I believe almost every member of PETA is a vegetarian. Should we lock them all up and throw away the key?

While all this is going on, Freddie Harris is already regretting the decision of casting

What Have I Gotten Myself Into???

When we get to Sara, she is trying to state why she is here and a cameraman knocks over a light and Sara screams so loud that glass breaks. When this happens, Freddie couldn’t help but have a smile on his face.

Whoa....Down Boy Down

Meanwhile at his motel room, we notice that Freddie, like Busta Rhymes, loves kung fu movies. He gets a knock at the door and it’s Sara, ready to tell him that she wants to quit. But Freddie, seeing his meal ticket wanting to leave, convinces her to stay.

The next day, we see Sara changing clothes to be prepared for reality TV, despite the fact that it will only be broadcast on the internet. This is of course at the urging of her friend, Jen. Of course, she sees Michael Myers in the mirror and screams, but when she turns around, he is nowhere to be found.

Back in Deckard (who is Myles Barton)’s room, he is showing his crush on her while his friend rolls his eyes and tells him about the party they are going to. He doesn’t want to go since he promised Sara that he would watch her on the show, but of course, he is convinced to go to the party.

Back at the motel, Freddie tells the cast members that they will be wearing cameras to show the audience what they see and that there will be cameras set up in the house.

At the house, Nora has set up headquarters in the garage, which is near the house. The camera man is having a tough time setting up cameras in the house so Michael Myers decides to help out. He also kills the camera by stabbing him in the throat with one of the uncovered Tripod legs.

Michael Myers drags his body and also places the camera in a location where Nora approves of.

Meanwhile, before they enter the house, Bill tries to talk to Freddie about product placement and while Freddie thinks it is a good idea, it is too late to do anything about it because the show is about to begin. After a speech from Freddie and the blow of an air horn, the cast members enter the house and notice that the house looks like it hasn’t been touched in ages. Jen notes that after the murders, the family just sealed up the house and took nothing with them. Now I am sure some of you who have watched Halloween 4, 5 & 6 will note that the house was resold and spruced up, but to this film, Halloween 3, 4, 5, & 6 never happened, which is really funny since the same guy, Moustapha Akkad, who produced this film, produced those films as well. But I will get more on him later.

Back to the movie as Rudy decides to go into the kitchen as he says that he bets they have a nice old kitchen. Now if the house is a mess, wouldn’t the kitchen also be a mess. Donna wonders what everyone is going to do as Jim says that they don’t have to do anything as they already did their part in staying in the house for the night. Sara then says that she thinks they are supposed to figure out what happened. Jim retorts this claim by saying the devil made him do it and that is all. Jen then says that they owe it to the people to look around and Bill says that she is already concerned with her fan base.

In the kitchen, Rudy tells Sara that while the house is old and abandoned, somehow the spices are all fresh. Back in the living room, Jim tries to make his move on Donna and is rejected immediately. In the hallway, Bill gives Jen a hard time trying to scare her while trying to also get in her pants. In a closet, Sara finds an old baby seat with strange restraints. Jim then decides that they should poke around a bit and see what they can find. What they don’t know is that Michael Myers is in another room and is watching, with a bloody knife. Okay, how the hell did he get that bloody knife as the bloody knife he used to kill Laurie was given to Harold and he killed the camera man with one of the legs of the tripod? Yeah, you can easily tell that this was just someone being lazy.

Meanwhile at a party, we see that Myles and his friend, Scott are dressed as Vincent Vega and Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction.

Myles decides to sneak into the office and uses the computer to watch the reality internet show. I will admit that the monitor is really nice. Outside the old Myers house, some kids go to house and place a pumpkin in front of it.

The cast members light up some candles and oil lamps to bring some light into the house since the power isn’t working at all. On the stairs, Jen slips and is caught by Bill who of course has his hand on her butt. She notes this and tells Bill “hands off, bud.” They enter the room where Michael killed his sister and Bill tries to scare Jen by talking about it, but all it does is annoy her. Bill then tries to get her to show her boobs, using the line of that it would launch her career, and she teases doing it, but swerves him and laughs at his stupidity as he really thought she would do it. Neither of them sees Michael Myers in the hallway while he walks by. You know Mike; you might want to start killing people. Do I have to flash a box of Life cereal in your face?

Hey, I tried, but no luck as we go to a camera going off and Nora having to switch cameras. Back in the office of the party house, a jock and his girlfriend try to get it on in the office and suddenly notice that someone is already in the room. They call him a pervert before he explains that he is only watching the reality show about people being in the Myers household. He offers to let them watch and while the guy says hell no, the girl says okay. Of course, when the girl says that she wants to watch a TV show, the guy decides to join in because of course, he has nothing better to do.

Inside the basement of the Myers household, Donna is telling Jim her theory of why Michael killed his sister and of course, Jim is like me in not caring. Jim tries to hit on her again and gets rejected again, telling him that sleeping with a music major would be like lesbianism. Of course, Jim is like any horny male in saying he likes that idea.

In the kitchen, Rudy is still telling Sara about his theory of a bad diet causing Michael to go insane, noting that the killer in San Francisco only ate Twinkies. Sara asks him if he thinks about anything other than food and of course like any other guy, he laughs and tells her that wouldn’t she like to know. Suddenly we hear a scream from Jen and the two in the kitchen go into to check on her. But it was all a prank set up by Jen to scare everyone and it works for Sara and the viewers at the party (obviously there are more watching now) as the two heads of Dangertainment are pleased. What they don’t see is that Michael Myers is in his room. Okay, Michael… haven’t killed any of these stupid kids yet, if you don’t kill anyone in the next few minutes, I will be forced to have to watch to turn the movie off. You hear me, Michael? I will turn this movie….

Well, I guess Michael Myers heard me as when Bill is in the bathroom alone, planning his revenge on Jen, Michael Myers busts through the mirror and stabs him in the skull. Of course, Freddie and Nora see Bill’s camera screwing up and thinks that Bill just dropped it. I guess they didn’t pay attention to the damn screams and Michael Myers busting through the damn mirrors.

In Michael’s parents’ bedroom, Jen makes fun of Michael by lying on his parents’ bed and saying that this must be where he was conceived. Sara enters the closet, sees some mannequins and freaks out, locking herself in the closet. Rudy has to do what Michael Myers did in Halloween and bust the damn closet door open with his fist. At the party house, another guy comes in wearing god knows what and asks if this is that Michael Myers reality show. When Myles tells him yes, he grabs a beer and says cool while he sits down.

Meanwhile in the basement, Donna and Jim are poking around and for some reason, Donna starts making out with Jim. Jim stops her and says that he just thought of something and of course, he grabs the medieval key for some reason. Dude, she was all over you and you now want to poke around some more. Jim then unlocks a secret door to an even deeper place than the basement. Back at the party house, Scott comes in and looks at everyone strangely before we go back to the house.

In the basement part 2 (I am calling it that since I have nothing better to call it at the moment), Jim and Donna find a new harness and then start making out for real this time. Of course the wall bursts open and a bunch of bodies come flying at them. This freaks them out for a minute until they realize the bodies were made in Taiwan.

In another room, Michael Myers enters through the door and a second Michael Myers walks through the door so one of them has to be fake. Of course we find out that the first Michael Myers is actually Freddie who tells the second (and real) Michael Myers to go away. If I was Michael Myers here and I was being told off by a phony, I would stab that phony and not do what Michael actually does, which is walk away. Somehow I am feeling like Michael Myers is going to get buried, wrestling style, by this poser.

Jim decides to go upstairs to talk to Freddie about this garbage that is going on and Donna notices that there is another room behind the bodies. Remember when they told you to not be alone in a dark abandoned room. Well, here is why as Donna gets chased and impaled through a broken and pointy steel bar.

Of course, all of the kids at the party house see all of this and think this a fake stunt…well, except for Myles.

Meanwhile in another room, Jen is smoking a bong that someone somehow got into the house. Don’t believe me, look for yourself.

Rudy is also in there and they both laugh their asses off. But in another room, Sara is looking through a damn picture album of young Michael Myers. Hopefully for Michael, she never gets to his baby pictures. Michael Myers is in that room and for some reason, decides not to kill her. She sees Michael and runs upstairs towards Rudy and Jen. Rudy also sees Michael Myers and Jim decides to come in, grab a piece of nearby wood and knock Michael over the head with it. But we find out that it isn’t Michael Myers and instead, it is Freddie in the Michael Myers mask. Freddie talks about how this is all a show because reality TV is not real because truthfully, reality is boring. Freddie tells the three to not screw it up for him and leaves to scare the others. Jen comes out of the smoke filled room and sees a door to the attic. She opens it and sees Bill’s dead body hanging there.

She screams and everyone thinks it is all fake….that is until the real Michael Myers shows up to kill her sorry ass.

The group at the party house thinks it must be special effects while Myles is even more convinced that this is all real. Myles tries to call 911, but even 911 thinks this is all a hoax. The three in the house realize that it is Michael Myers and decide to make a run for it. Rudy decides to fight Michael Myers and gets his head squished in between Michael’s hands.

Interesting death scene, but for expertise on deaths….I turn to Jason Voorhees. Jason, your thoughts?

Ha....Pu-lease. I've Been There, Done That.

Michael tries to go after Sara, who is running upstairs, but gets distracted by Rudy, who tries to go into a knife fight with Michael. He also goes and throws some spice into Michael Myers eyes.

Mr. Fuji Approves...

Unfortunately for Rudy, he ends up stuck to a door with several knives in him

Sara sees a camera upstairs and asks for someone’s help and even asks Deckard for his help. Of course, that is Myles screen name so he texts her on Michael Myers every position. Of course at this point, everyone believes Myles and figures out that this is real. Sara tries the window, but because it is a long fall down, she goes into the attic to find the body of the camera man.

Of course with Myles advice, she goes downstairs and runs into Freddie, who also has realized that everyone is dead. The two of them head downstairs where Michael Myers is waiting. Freddie decides to bum rush Michael Myers while Sara continues to run. Freddie tries to use kung fu and proceeds to get kick Michael Myers’ ass. Michael Myers is kicked out a window and through some dumb luck with the wires, is hung.

Don’t worry; this isn’t the end just yet because Myles texts Sara that Michael is still alive and has somehow freed himself from the hanging situation. When Sara asks Myles where Michael is, he tells her than he is inside the house. After seeing this, they both turn around to see Michael Myers behind them.

Michael stabs Freddie several times and goes after Sara.


Sara goes into the basement while Michael follows. She then finds a trap door and it leads to the garage where Nora was. I say “was” because after slipping on a huge amount of blood. We find out what happened to poor Nora.

Yep, apparently she has been hung although unless you were born yesterday, you can tell that is a damn mannequin they found at some department store. She tries to regain her focus when Michael Myers shows up. Nora tries to hide, but comes back with a chainsaw. She of course tries to cut him up into little pieces, but completely fails as the chainsaw runs out of fuel. However, she cut some of the wires and has caused a fire. Michaels is about to killer when the door gets busted down and no….it can’t be. It’s can’t be.


Damn it Freddie is still alive. Before I continue though, I found something very interesting, there were two sides to this shot and if you freeze frame it, guess who actually kicked down the door?

Holy Crap....It's Myles

Yes, poor editing and my skills with capturing pictures allowed me to actually get this picture, which was spliced in from the original ending, but more on that later. Anyways, it is Freddie who has this line to say to Michael.

Freddie Harris: Trick or treat, motherfucker!

He then uses more kung fu moves to kick Michael’s ass, but Michael blocks one of his shots and sends him flying into the wall. On his kung fu moves, I have assembled a panel of kung fu experts to tell me how he did. First, Bruce Lee....your thoughts?

Okay...Second Opinion is needed. Jackie Chan???


Jet Li?

An Insult To The Art Of Kung Fu

Anyway, it looks over for Freddie, but he grabs a wire and electrocutes Michael Myers in the groin.


This sends Michael backwards to where he is caught on some wires where he is electrocuted to death. Now you will love this because guess how Michael Myers is posed.

Michael Myers Died For Your Sins

The ambulance and fire trucks come in to stop the fire as Freddie and Sara look on. The media tries to talk to Sara about the experience, she can only say thanks to Deckard for saving her life. Back at the party, everyone is high-fiving Myles. The media tries to get more, but Freddie comes in and after a boring speech, tells them to shove off. A body bag comes by and after Sara finds out it is Michael Myers, she asks to take a look inside. When they open the bag, they find out that it is Michael Myers.

At the morgue, someone tells the female mortician that it is Michael Myers and she kind of gets freaked out. She sees Michael’s remains and goes to check when we end with this shot.

Well, here are a few aftermaths of this film. Moustapha Akkad, who basically made a lot of money on the Halloween franchise, would never produce another film or direct one afterwards as in 2005, a terrorist bombing in Jordon would kill him. His son, Malek now owns the franchise and if you hated the Halloween remake, you can blame him for allowing it to happen and not his father. The woman who played Sara, Bianca Kajilich is now starring in the TV show Rules of Engagement. Sean Patrick Harris was on the show The District for the four years that show ran and was in the Barbershop movies since this movie. The girl who played Jen, Katee Sackhoff plays a very important role in the new Battlestar Galactica as Captain Kara “Starbuck” Thrace. The kid who played Myles Barton, Ryan Merriman has grown up and was the male lead in Final Destination 3. And a girl in the French maid outfit is the new Rayne in Bloodrayne II: Deliverance. Oh, and of course you all know what Jamie Lee Curtis, Busta Rhymes, and Tyra Banks have done since then so I really don’t need to mention them.

This movie would be a big box office bomb and while many people would blame this on the bad movie (not that I blame them, it is a bad movie). I squarely place the blame on good ole Busta Rhymes. Oh, not because his acting was horrendous (which it was), but because several days before the movie came out, Busta Rhymes would be on a Smackdown taping show which would air one day before the movie would come out. He would get in the ring to promote the movie with WWE superstar The Rock and while he would sing with the Rock, take a look at what dialogue transpires 3:40 and 4:25.

Yes folks….Busta Rhymes spoiled what would happen in the movie. Obviously in my opinion, Busta underestimated how many wrestling fans are actually horror fans so when the horror fans who love Michael Myers heard this, they didn’t show up to see the movie. So blame Busta Rhymes and The Rock for this movie being a failure.

Also, Busta Rhymes surviving was not originally planned as it was supposed to be Myles Barton who saves Sara from the fire while Busta Rhymes and Michael Myers die in it. Afterward, we were supposed to see that Myles, a freshman, revealing to the college student Sara that he was Deckard and that was supposed to end the movie. And the fact that you could still see Deckard if you look closely enough tells you that Busta was supposed to die in the movie. However, when they showed it to a selected viewing audience, the audience (probably a small minority who knows nothing about horror movies) wanted Busta to survive. So they quickly re-shot the scene a little bit and added more footage so that Busta Rhymes would survive in the movie. This is why you normally go with your original cut of the film.

Now, onto my thought of the movie. Well, I think there are too many errors that make this movie bad and that is sad considering that this came from Rick Rosenthal, who directed the second one and knew how important continuity was to the series. Look, just because a black rapper turned actor worked for Halloween H20 doesn’t mean it will work again with a different black rapper turned actor. Plus, the fact that the black man surviving in a horror movie had been done before by better actors and it had already been before in the Halloween series in the movie before this, Halloween H20. Also, the editing in this movie is very lazy as obviously, I showed you through a reel that you could see Myles bust down the door instead of Busta Rhymes. Plus, I have also shown that the props people were lazy and gave Michael Myers a bloody knife long before he had one in the house. It is just errors like this and just the goofiness of this film that makes it a much deserved induction into Monster Crap.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent choice for Monster Crap. I just watched H20 and Resurrection back-to-back. While H20 was only okay, it looked like a damn masterpiece next to this mess. Busta was pretty bad, but I will give him credit for making me care (one way or another) about the movie.