Thursday, October 1, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Monster Crap Inductee: Super Mario Brothers
Mama Mia…..


These days, we have actually seen great movies based off of video games. Examples of such include Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse and Mortal Kombat are to name a few. The reason these are actually good is the fact that they stay true to the source material. I however can not say the same for the first movie based off a video game, Super Mario Brothers.

It was 1993 and I remember vividly hearing about seeing a trailer to the Super Mario Brothers. At first, I was kind of excited about the idea. That only lasted about 3 seconds before I realized this was going to a live action adaptation. After three seconds, I remembered about the goombas and the koopa troopas and there was no freaking way that this could ever turn out good. Also at this time, you were also seeing trailers to Jurassic Park. Now I was only 9 at the time and rarely did my family go out to see movies so when I had the choice of seeing Super Mario Brothers now or waiting to see Jurassic Park, I chose to wait and was quite happy I did that seeing as how Jurassic Park was very good and Super Mario Brothers was bad.

Yes, the first movie based off of a video game was not only bad, it was dreadful. In fact if you look at the three movies Uwe Boll crapped on us that were based on video games, this movie was worse. I remember getting the original Nintendo for Christmas and the first game I got was a mixture of two games. One of those games was a game for the Nintendo gun which we got called Duck Hunt….
I Think Everyone Is With Me In Wanting To Kill That Damn Dog.

And the other was a painfully hard game called the Super Mario Brothers. Now when I say painfully hard, I am saying that I was never able to beat that game. Yes, I will admit it, I never beat that game. In fact, if you beat that game, you were actually one in the few guys who are locked in your basement trying to do that. I don’t know about you, but it was very hard not to curse when playing that game.

For those of you who ever cursed during the game, you were probably cursing this movie for raping your childhood. But enough about me cursing that this movie was ever made, let’s just review the damn thing and move on.

Now what we hear before the opening credits is the familiar Super Mario Brothers theme music. Then, we hear a narrator who is trying to be Italian talk about the dinosaurs. We get visuals of the dinosaurs that look like they were made through those old computers.

Then the picture gets somewhat clearer just in time to realize that this whole wooded area was Brooklyn at 65 million years ago. How do we know that, you ask

Because It Tells Us So

Then the narrator says something happened as a giant meteor hits the Earth. No Shit, Sherlock.

Then the narrator questions on what happened if the dinosaurs never went extinct, but instead were sucked into a parallel dimension where dinosaurs continue to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, aggressive beings, kind of like us. And then asks what if they found a way out. And for those of you who want to know who was doing the narrator voice, it was Dan Castellaneta, who does the voice for Homer Simpson on The Simpsons. Great, just what I want to hear. An interesting, though very bad theory given to us by the voice of a drunk, lazy father who shouldn’t be allowed to raise three kids.

Okay, well…let me analyze this for a minute. While it is true that the Mario Bros. world is in an alternate dimension, it wasn’t until the American version of Super Mario Bros. 2 that dinosaurs were introduced with Birdo

So why they are bringing up dinosaurs when it wasn’t really mentioned in the Mario Bros. universe is anyone’s guess. And one more thing, if that were true that the dinosaurs were not extinct, why do we keep finding bones of them throughout the world. I would believe that if the dinosaurs were truly sucked into a parallel universe that the dinosaur bones would go there too.

Anyway, we move to Brooklyn 20 years ago where a woman is bringing a steel case to a church. She bangs on the church door and runs as the nuns answer and pick up the steel case. The woman goes back into the sewers as the nuns find an egg in the steel case. Back in the sewers, the woman is running away and just so happens to run into King Koopa (played by Dennis Hopper). He asks where the rock is, before allowing a cave in to kill the woman. Back at the church, the egg hatches and in it is a human being. The nuns are praising God for this miracle while looking at a rock.

We then move to Brooklyn today or as of when this movie was released, 1993. We go to a hotel room where we see our two plumbers Mario and Luigi. Now Mario is played by longtime consistent actor Bob Hoskins, but unfortunately while Mario is Italian in the games, Hoskins is actually British. But to be fair, Danny DeVito was originally supposed to play Mario, but unfortunately he backed out. Hoskins has a beard, a mustache and is very husky like Mario so we will let that pass. Luigi is played by John Leguizamo who is Latino. Now he may have somewhat of an Italian accent, he looks nothing like Luigi. Perhaps the directors thought that Latino is close enough to Italian because the word Latino originates from the word Latin, which was formerly the language of Italy way back when. However, as John Leguizamo said in one of his HBO specials years later, the two are not even close to being similar.

Anyway, Luigi is in the living room watching TV and watching some show called Miraculous World, where a host is talking about the possibility of an alternate dimension, which I have already mentioned was beyond believability. Meanwhile, Mario gets a phone call and a job is asked of the Mario Brothers as plumbers. At least they got that part right. Mario is able to get Luigi off his lazy ass by telling them that they have a job. Mario sees that Luigi has tabloids and can’t believe that he reads that garbage. Luigi defends his reading choices by saying that the stuff on there could happen, which Mario laughs off.

In a scene change, Mario is talking about how they are three months overdue on the rent. While on the road, they are having direction issues with Luigi thinking he knows shortcuts while Mario not believing him. When they get to the place, they are already beaten by the Scapelli Plumbing Service. After that, we get to a news reporter who is talking about students from the local University have forced construction of a building to be shut down. The contractor Anthony Scapelli arrives and goes after the students. The dig is headed by a woman named Daisy (played by Samantha Morris). Samantha Morris was basically famous for dating River Phoenix and was with him when he died of an overdose. Rather bad thing to be famous for so that isn’t a good thing. Anthony Scapelli is pretty pissed that construction is being halted as he doesn’t care about dinosaur bones. Now let’s remember that there is supposed to be a parallel universe where dinosaurs live so why the hell they are on this universe is unfathomable.

Watch Me Blow In This Movie
Now before I continue, Daisy is referenced to an entirely separate spin-off called Super Mario Land for the Game Boy. Now the problem is that a lot of people confuse Princess Daisy with Princess Toadstool (The princess in Super Mario Bros) and it is obvious that this movie does so as well.

Scapelli threatens Daisy by mentioning the girls who have disappeared in Brooklyn and threatens that the same thing could happen to her. Daisy does not take kindly to this threat and goes to ask the university via pay phone for more security, which she doesn’t get. Meanwhile, she is being followed by two dopes named Spike and Iggy. Now for those of you who don’t know, Spike is a character based off a game Mario was in before the Super Mario Bros. game. The game was called Wrecking Crew and Spike was the final boss in the game. Iggy was actually one of the Koopalings in Mario 3.

They think she is the one and mention that they are the ones who have been going around kidnapping women. Their basic idea is that one of the women is the Princess who holds a secret rock that can mold back the two parallel universes. They are of course King Koopa’s cousins and since people would kind of get suspicious if Dennis Hopper was stalking women, so he sends his cousins to do the dirty work. Basically, Spike and Iggy have a basic interpretation of what the Princess is. She is a woman and has two legs. Jeez….that could be anyone.

Anyway, when Daisy gets to the phone, Luigi lets her use the phone and his change for the call. We also see that Luigi hangs up on a job because for some reason, getting nookie means more than money. Oh well, after Daisy fails to get more security, she thanks Luigi for letting her use the phone. Luigi, who is infatuated by Daisy, stutters while Mario asks Daisy if she would like to go on a date with Luigi. She agrees to the date and when Mario asks to give her a ride back to the dig, she agrees to that as well. She thanks them and we move on to the next scene.

And what is the perfect meal for two Italian plumbers. Why, spaghetti of course. While Luigi has Daisy as a date, Mario has Daniella as his date. Daniella is a chick who s pretty stupid and is your average New York accent.

She annoys us with asking Daisy about dinosaur bones. Daisy reveals that with some dinosaur bones, they think they have found the meteor that destroyed all the dinosaurs. Great, the meteor is somewhere in New York City. Unfortunately, reality would say that the meteor would not be New York or else we would see have seen it by now. However, several years later, we believe we now have found the crater of said Meteor somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.

Daniella wants to give Daisy a tan and we see that the necklace rock that Daisy has is very important. She says that it was the only thing that she was found with and reveals that she was an orphan. Luigi reveals that his parents died and Mario was forced to raise him all his life. Personally, Mario would have to be old enough to do so because if he couldn’t, Mario and Luigi would have to be sent to foster care or to a legal guardian. Daisy seems smitten with the plumber as we see with the look in her eyes. Luigi asks to walk her home and Daisy accepts his offer.

Meanwhile, Spike and Iggy are on stakeout and they see Daniella. Unfortunately, they aren’t really intelligent because they now think she is the princess in disguise. Even though she looks nothing like Daisy, they proceed to kidnap Daniella. Meanwhile, the two lovebirds Daisy and Luigi decide to head to the dig site and Daisy reveals that the dinosaur bones make us believe that dinosaurs were actually evolving. Once again, why the bones are here is anyone’s guess. While Luigi starts to make the moves on Daisy, and it seems to be working until we see two members of Scapelli’s plumbing trying to sabotage the pipes. Daisy reveals that the dinosaur bones will be destroyed if they don’t stop the pipes. Daisy tries to ask Luigi to help since he is a plumber. Unfortunately, Mario is the plumber, so they ask Mario to help out. Mario agrees when he hears that Scapelli is behind it, since he hates him.

Meanwhile, Spike and Iggy are back and are talking about the scolding they received by King Koopa. The two are obviously idiots since they don’t know that 0 for 5 means 0%. They then see Daisy and are completely convinced that they found the right girl. While Mario and Luigi are fixing the sabotage attempt, Daisy has been kidnapped by Iggy and Spike. Mario and Luigi figure this out and give chase. They chase Iggy, Spike, and Daisy into a rock wall. They see Daisy coming out of the wall before being pulled back in. However, Luigi (while trying to grab her) grabs the rock necklace. Luigi then gets the bright idea of going into the wall and before Mario can stop him, Luigi does it. Mario follows suit, although he falls through.

We are shown that the rock wall leads to another dimension and in the middle of this dimension basically looks like the inside of a single celled organism. Mario gets out of the other side and is met by Luigi. They don’t have too much time with getting to know the place as Luigi sees Iggy and Spike dragging Daisy past a giant meteorite. Remember that the giant meteorite is there because it will come into play later.

They open a small door to reveal that they are in Dinohattan (Get it?). The place is pretty much like New York City except if New York City was underground and if it was filled with fungus. We also see a giant poster that says vote for Koopa, who by the way is a dictator. I don’t know about you, but do you really vote for dictators? There are cars around the city that look like regular cars, if they just happened to be part of the bumper car ride at your local amusement park. Mario basically looks at the place and says that this can’t be Manhattan. Luigi says he doesn’t know since he hasn’t been to Manhattan in a couple of weeks. Right on cue, Mario suggests that this must have been a bad couple of weeks.

Just as they are getting to know the place, they see Iggy and Spike taking Daisy to the back of a cab. And as you can tell from that, Iggy and Spike are both white since they can easily catch a cab. They fall through a hole and see small dinosaurs eating some fungus. The Mario Brothers of course react to them as if they were rats and run away disgusted. They of course get a full look at the city and with the vending stands that have disgusting meat, to the people looking a bit scaly, and the mothers having dinosaur eggs in the strollers, they realize what this place isn’t what they call home. Oh yeah, several people try to steal the egg and get run off by the mother. They of course wonder where they are at and come up with two very dumb theories. Luigi thinks they got knocked out for 100 years and are in the future, while Mario thinks they are just in the Bronx. They of course leave to look around some more when in the corner; we see a figure with a small head.

Oh No....Papa Shango Is In Dinohattan

Meanwhile, over the city, King Koopa gets full view of the city and mocks it by calling it pathetic and moaning about how he has to live in this place every day. He of course is talking to his girlfriend Lena who completely agrees with him on everything he says while eating something.

Koopa then mentions that they are stuck with all of this garbage. He says he wants clear air, clean water, and fresh food.

He goes into a long tirade about how he is tired of mammals roaming free in the other dimension and are basically able to have a clean life. I don’t know about you, but I would kind of tell Koopa that if this place is in such a soar shape, it is kind of your fault. And of course our world can’t be all that great.

Koopa then says that all of that will change soon. Lena replies as soon as he gets the rock, everything will be as it should be. But Koopa adds that he needs the princess as well, which draws jealous looks from Lena’s face. Iggy and Spike come in and tell King Koopa that they caught Princess Daisy. However, when Koopa asks for the rock, they are clueless. They then finally spill out that two plumbers have it, which pisses off King Koopa as he says the word plumbers in an unfavorable tone. He even has a plumber alert activated because for some reason, plumbers are a bad thing for dinosaurs. Don’t ask me, ask the scriptwriters and they probably couldn’t tell you why plumbers are bad for dinosaurs.

We hear on the radio that King Koopa is looking for a couple of plumbers and is offering a big coin reward for whoever catches them. Now why coins, well that one I can actually answer. I the Super Mario Bros. NES game, you basically have to get coins for points. The radio DJ jokes that we must have a serious plumbing problem. Okay, of plumbers are bad for the dinosaurs, then why would they need plumbing. We see a shish-kabob sandwich with fried newts inside to further gross us out. They try to ask where they were, but all they get are rude comments and names like egg suckers.

They of course ask directions from an old lady who is nice at first, but then shows a gun and proceeds to attempt to rob the plumbers. She takes the rock from them, but is beaten up and robbed by a big fat black woman named Big Bertha.

Now for those of you who want to know what Big Bertha has to do with the Mario games, it’s real simple. In the game, Big Bertha is a giant fish who tries to eat our heroes. So basically, this giant black woman is a fish.

When Mario asks for the rock back, the big fat lady jumps high with her super powered shoes, which are made by their version of Nike, Thwomp. Now Thwomps are another character in the vast Mario universe as…

But anyway….Big Bertha steals the rock and leaves. Just as the Mario Brothers are in the dumps, they meet a guy named Toad.

Once again, Toad is another character from the Mario universe. In fact, he is actually the little guy who basically pisses you off by telling you that the princess is in another castle.

Toad decides to cheer them up with some songs that criticize King Koopa for the situation. Of course, Toad gets arrested for singing Anti-Koopa songs. Mario gets on the cops for arresting a guy for just singing, but the cop tells them that they can arrest anyone for singing Anti-Koopa songs. The cops then notice the utility belts on Mario and Luigi and arrest them for being plumbers.

Meanwhile back at the castle, Daisy is being forced into the prison by two giant guys with small heads. Daniella immediately remembers her and tells her that they all have been kidnapped on the hunt for some princess.

Back on the streets, Toad basically realizes that the two guys are not from around these parts. Both Mario and Luigi both say they are from Brooklyn as their response. It looks like the police car is going to crash into the building, but there are manual brakes outside the car that stops it. I’m guessing that is the brake system which is definitely very primitive. They are immediately sent to a desk clerk who asks their names. Mario says his name is Mario Mario and Luigi says his name is Luigi Mario. Yeah, this confuses the cops too and to make a long story short would understate why the game is called Super Mario Brothers. The Mario Brothers are sent to be defungused. I don’t know what that means either, just bare with me. The Mario Brothers are then tied up and guns appear to be pointed at them. They think this is the end, but the guns are only used for taking photos, which produces some very bad mug shots.

Afterwards, they are locked away in cages deserving of only an animal. Toad is playing tunes on his harmonica as Luigi enjoys the prison music. Luigi is interested about the parallel dimension and Toad answers by saying that they are in a dimension for dinosaurs. He also says that the fungus is their old king, who was de-evolved by King Koopa when he took power. A cop calls for the Mario Brothers as Mario wants a lawyer.

Now if you are asking as why King Koopa is also playing a lawyer, well…I can answer that. He is in fact King Koopa, but is going under the name Larry Lazard from Lazard Lazard Conda Dactyl & Cohen. He is trying to hide the fact of who he is and is trying to get the Mario Brothers to reveal where the rock is. Mario asks who this Koopa clown is, but Larry warns Mario that this Koopa fellow is one evil, egg sucking son of a snake so you don’t want to mess with him. Koopa then asks for the rock, to which Mario is confused as to what he is talking about. This pisses King Koopa off, who reveals his true identity and when they ask why he called himself a bad name, he says he never lies. Well, he did lie about being Larry Lazard, but I don’t have time to screw around with that logic. He then says to take the plumbers to the Devo Chamber. Hmmm… can only wonder if he will torture Mario and Luigi by forcing them to listen to Devo’s music.

Whip It!!!

No, unfortunately, he has a De-evolution device that makes people evolve backwards. Toad is the first to be de-evolved and appears out of the machine with a small head, kind of like those other guys. Koopa then reveals that he has de-evolved all of his enemies’ heads into that of dumber lizards. He of course says that they are loyal and calls them Goombas.


Now you should know that the Goombas are very much a very big part of the Super Mario Bros. game as they are the first bad guys you face. In fact, unless you have been living under a rock, you wouldn’t know what a goomba is.

After having to pull Luigi away from kicking King Koopa’s rear end, Mario asks what organism did King Koopa evolve from? Koopa is than happy to answer, saying he evolved from a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The Toad Goomba leaves, but not before getting a harmonica from another Goomba. King Koopa tries to do the same to Luigi and Mario, but they escape. They force Koopa into the De-Evolve Chamber and Koopa’s head starts changing. He is able to be set free before anything bad happens, but he starts to go backwards in traits very quickly.

While escaping, the Fungus tries to help Mario and Luigi by giving them a Bo-Bomb.

Now for those of you wondering what a Bo-Bomb is, it is another enemy in the Mario universe.

Using some conveniently placed pullies, Mario and Luigi are able to escape from the Goombas, who are trying to shoot them with fireball guns. They go back to the police station and steal a car. They are being chased by police cars when Luigi gets the idea of going into the Koopahari Desert tunnel. But because he knows Mario won’t take his way, he says that they should take the Koopa River Parkway. Mario falls for this trick and they crash into the desert. Of course, they would have died if not for the fungus saving them.

Meanwhile back at the castle, Spike and Iggy report that the plumbers have escaped into the Koopahari Desert. This does not make Koopa happy since he is in the middle of a mud bath with Lena. They both blame each other, saying both are stupid. King Koopa tells the two to wait outside as he tells Lena to bring him the Princess and wants her cleaned up. He then talks about how great the mud bath is as Lena seems more jealous than ever.

Lena does as King Koopa asks as she goes to the dungeon, looking for Princess Daisy. Daisy shows herself to the surprise of the other kidnapped women. Lena tells Daisy to follow her as they leave the dungeon.

Back in the De-Evolution Chamber, Spike is being sent in as Iggy says goodbye with a grin. However, it is not as it appears as Spike is Evolved and made into an even smarter being. This confuses Iggy until Iggy is forced into the chair as well. Koopa then comments that he wants smarter lackeys and he has Iggy also evolved into an intelligent being. Iggy and Spike have formalities before being told by Koopa to leave. They try to convince Koopa of a smarter way to formulate a plan when the Mario Brothers return, but Koopa will have none of their ideas.

In another room, we see Daisy is looking in the mirror while wearing a princess-esque type dress while the camera is trying to show some cleavage. The one problem is……….Samantha Morris doesn’t have the breast size that is capable of showing cleavage. Lena comes up and mentions that the dress was her mother’s. When Daisy asks about her mother, Lena says that she was an inspiration… some. However, when Koopa took over, she stole Daisy away to the other side, with the rock. After she stole her away to the other side, Lena says she died. When Daisy asks if her father is still living, Lena gives a smile and says that it depends on what you mean by living. When Daisy asks for clarification, Lena changes the subject by saying she doesn’t care whose daughter she is, Koopa thinks she is the only one who can merge the dimensions and Lena says she has done too much to let that all slip away.

Back in the desert, Mario and Luigi are arguing over the situation they are in. Meanwhile, at the castle, Koopa asks if the troops are ready and he is given the okay on that. Koopa has a De-Evolution gun with him so now he can de-evolve anyone anytime he likes. Just a small side note on the De-Evolution guns, they studio was too cheap to make guns so they just bought the basically the Super Nintendo light gun accessory, the Super Scope, but painted black. Lena comes in and tells King Koopa that his princess is here. Koopa of course makes fun of Lena saying it looks like she got on the wrong side of the bed.

In a room Daisy meets the former royal pet, Yoshi.

Now Yoshi as you know is a character in the Mario Universe that became popular after its debut in Super Mario World.

King Koopa comes in and when he sees this, introduces Daisy to him. Koopa says you can pet him, just don’t move your hand around like a wounded animal or he will bite. Koopa introduces himself to Daisy and he even shows her the globe of their world, which is only one city, while the rest of the world is the Koopahari Desert. You know, for being an alternate world, this one is very small. When Daisy asks where her father is, King Koopa says that he is around. He reveals that she descended from the dinosaurs, much to her shock. Koopa then tries several times to hit on her, but she is repulsed to see the short change he makes for a few seconds thanks to being stuck in the De-Evolution Machine.

She tries to run, but is cornered by the goomba formally known as Toad. Koopa tells Toad to take her away to which he is all too happy to do.

Koopa, pissed off that he couldn’t get some from the princess, takes it out on Yoshi by kicking him.

Meanwhile, back at the Koopahari Desert, Spike and Iggy are spying on the Mario Brothers. However, despite the two being “intelligent” they still can’t drive a car and drive it into some quicksand.

Of course when the Mario Brothers come to help them, the two say that in the name of King Koopa, they arrest them. Of course, the Mario Brothers help the two and tie them up, wondering what is going on. Iggy and Spike yell at Luigi and Luigi yells back in an argument over whose question gets answered first. Oh and a bunch of names are thrown out as insults. They would be scallywag, butt breath, overweening rouge and biscuit head. All of this would be amusing to a small kid, but the rest of us just find it now immature. Mario sees things my way by yelling for it to end.

Mario then asks a question about the rock. Spike and Iggy tell them that the rock is the last piece of a meteorite piece that King Koopa needs to merge the two worlds (ours and theirs in case you lost track) and rule it. He asks why he hasn’t been able to do this before, but Iggy says that he couldn’t because he was sealed in until someone on the other side blasted it open. Mario blames Scapelli once again, but this leaves me to ponder. When the hell did Scapelli blast it, because Koopa was on the other side twenty years ago when he let Daisy’s mom die. If you think about this statement and then the prologue to this story, then you would be confused as well. Luigi asks if they give them the rock, will they give back Daisy, to which Iggy and Spike agree.

Iggy and Spike ask for the rock, but Mario says some big black woman stole it. After a few questions, Iggy and Spike recognize the woman as Big Bertha and say that she is a bouncer at a dance club.

We then go back to Koopa Tower where Daisy is looking out a window at the land she now knows as home. Yoshi is trying to break the chain from which he is held. We get more tender moments between Daisy and Yoshi before we get another scene change.

Back outside, The Mario Brothers and the Koopa Cousins hijack a garbage truck so they can re-enter the city. They of course hijack the truck using a plunger and a wrench. While driving back to the city, Iggy and Spike start to like Mario and Luigi.

They arrive at a dance club where we hear some god awful music. Mario and Luigi now have color suited pimp suits which they think they look ridiculous in. Iggy reveals that the suits were a present from his ex-wife and says that the suits are only used for dates. One of the club owners recognizes the Mario Brothers and phones in that they are at the club. At the bar, Iggy and Spike agree to take down their cousin King Koopa and make a toast to his downfall. Big Bertha makes her entrance by beating up several dancers which makes it easy for Mario to notice her.

Mario then tells Luigi to leave Big Bertha to him since he has a way with the women. I think he means fat chicks, but he just says women. Mario tries to hit on Big Bertha and gets a punch in the face for his effort. However, Mario is persistent and is able to win Big Bertha over. The two dance and Mario is able to steal the rock away from Bertha before she notices he used her. The Mario Brothers don’t have time to celebrate as the goombas have arrived. Lena is with them and is easily able to spot the two plumbers. Mario and Luigi try to escape with the rock, but they lose the rock to Lena in the process. Iggy and Spike are captured. It looks like the Mario Brothers are cornered, but Big Bertha knocks out the club owner and helps them out. She gives them her rocket shoes and kisses Mario. The two escape the club and are now being chased by goombas. They see the fungus trying to give them the Bo-Bomb again. Mario still doesn’t believe in the fungus, but Luigi grabs the little bomb anyways. The plumbers are able to escape capture by hiding in a garbage truck. Mario thinks that getting into Koopa Tower is impossible, but Luigi says nothing is impossible.

Back in another room, we see the fungus all over the place and a throne. King Koopa barges in the door and yells at the fungus. We now know that this is what used to be the former king and the father of Daisy.

Back outside, the plumbers enter the tower through the back.

In Koopa’s room, Koopa speaks to a pizza delivery guy and tries to order some pizza. You do know we are trying to make a movie here, Dennis, so now is not the best time to order the munchies.

Inside the boiler room, Mario and Luigi decide to start some sabotage.

Did You Say Sabotage???

Yes, I said sabotage. While sabotaging Koopa Tower, they set off an alarm. However, instead of worrying, Mario and Luigi find some uniforms and for the first time in this damn movie, we get the red and green outfits for the two, although the letters are still missing.

The two plumbers go up the elevator and are cornered in the room by goombas. However, since the goombas are stupid, they don’t even notice the. Every time the door opens more goombas come in.

Somewhere else, Koopa finds out that his cousins Iggy and Spike were plotting his downfall. Iggy and Spike use some classic material to tell Koopa off, before King Koopa gives a great comeback.

Spike: Fascist!!
Iggy: Oppressor of The Proletariat!!!
Koopa: Guy In Charge!!!

Koopa sends his traitorous cousins to the De-Evolution Chamber. Lena now wants to talk about a monogamous relationship, but Koopa doesn’t want to talk about that now. Lena gets her jealous rage on by accusing Koopa of caring only for Daisy. But Koopa responds gracefully by saying that he only cares about the future of their species. Lena is pissed as she holds the rock. You know, you probably should have told him you had it beforehand instead of PMSing on him, Lena. He might have accepted your love then.

More goombas enter as Mario and Luigi start running out of places to hide. Music then starts to play as Mario and Luigi start to move the goombas about. The goombas start dancing like idiots as Mario and Luigi are able to escape.

Back in her dungeon, Daisy is bonding with Yoshi when Toad comes in with food. Toad offers her some meat, which she refuses because she is a vegetarian. Interesting to note that Samantha Morris, the actress who plays her, is actually a vegetarian so there is a chance that her own life was probably a reason she said that. She asks if there are any steamed vegetables to which Toad nods and goes to fetch. Lena comes in and tries to play nice by saying she is here to help Daisy. She then produces a dagger and tries to stab the princess. Lena almost is able to get the job done, but Yoshi trips Lena with his long tongue (the actual Yoshi in the game has a long tongue) and receives a dagger to the side. Daisy is able to escape with Lena in tow.

Back on the elevator, the goombas dancing scene is stopped by a goomba who is obviously in charge. In a goomba language he has the goombas leave and arm themselves with De-Evolution guns.

Daisy continues to run and runs into Toad, who has the steamed vegetables as she asked. Daisy runs and bumps into goombas who have Iggy and Spike captured. Toad is still trying to be nice to Daisy, but is welcomed by fire shots from the goombas. During this, Daisy escapes with Spike and Iggy. Daisy however shows kindness by putting the fire out for Toad. Iggy and Spike then introduce Daisy to her father, and we finally see Daisy’s horror when she sees what King Koopa did to him. The two leave to allow Daisy some alone time for her fungus dad.

Back in the hallways, Mario and Luigi run into a dead end with a gap blocking them from the next door. Luigi tries to jump and is stuck in a situation where he believes he can fly. However, it is only when Mario tries that Luigi realizes that he is caught on a hook. Mario falls, but is catapulted back up thanks to the fungus. Luigi grabs Mario and using both of their current positions, are able to get to the other side.

Daisy is still with her father when Yoshi appears. It seems that the royal pet is still alive and was able to break off his leash. Daisy then helps Yoshi with getting the dagger off him. Using an intercom gun and a surveillance camera, she is able to speak to and see the Mario Brothers. Before I continue, I must add that the intercom guns are basically NES shooters with paint as well. Anyway, she tells the plumbers to meet her in Devo 4.

Anyways, Luigi sees the fungus move and once again is convinced it is trying to help them. Luigi and Mario finally reunite with Daisy in the room, where she introduces them to her father.

Meanwhile, King Koopa gets a call from the police chief that the troops are ready for the merging of dimensions. King Koopa doesn’t remember telling them to be ready now and wonders who gave the order. The police chief tells him Lena relayed an order that he gave. This whole thing makes Koopa realize that Lena has the rock. Koopa, now angry at the betrayal of Lena, has her arrested.

Back in Devo 4, Daisy asks about Daniella, to which Mario said the following.

Mario: Daniella. (smacks his head) I promised to take her to Wrestlemania.

Anyway, Daisy then tells Mario that Daniella is one of the missing Brooklyn girls who have been kidnapped. When told about this, he immediately rushes to save her. Luigi and Daisy go to follow, but are captured by King Koopa and his goombas. When Luigi threatens to kill him if he touches Daisy, King Koopa comes up with another classic line.

King Koopa: I’ll meet you in the playground after school.

Meanwhile, Lena enters the sewers and tries to get to the rock, but is captured by several police officers.

Mario goes to the prison cell where they are keeping Daniella and the other women, but sees that a goomba is guarding the door. Mario tries to use his stealth to tell Daniella that he is here. But as Daniella tries to tell another that a hero is here, the girl opens her big mouth and screws up the stealth plan. The goombas are now aware that Mario is there and try to kill the plumber. Mario has the girls run through and with Mario’s help, use a mattress to sled all the way down the pipes.

Back in the control room, Koopa is given the rock by the police chief. King Koopa then welcomes Daisy and Luigi and kindly asks if Daisy is willing to help him take over the world. Koopa then uses his intercom (not the gun) to have his troops prepare for invasion. Koopa then asks where his pizza is. No matter how much I hate this movie, Dennis Hopper really makes me laugh every time.

Back in the cell, the goombas bust down the door, but not in time as they see the mattress with Mario and the girls go sledding down the pipe. The goombas then decide to follow and we see a sled chase. Seriously, I don’t think I have ever seen a sled chase, but it sure is fun.

Unfortunately for the goombas, they don’t know how to duck so they end up hitting icicles, which screws up their chase and allows Mario and the girls to escape. Their sleds just happen to land in the city at the exact same spot where the goombas have Daisy and Luigi. The sled catches the goombas off guard and allows Daisy and Luigi to escape. Unfortunately, the reunion is short lived as King Koopa has a fire gun pointed at them. This is about the time that King Koopa finally gets a message that his pizza is here. He says not now and then continues his speech when he gets another call that says the goombas are dancing again. While King Koopa is distracted, Mario is able to get a Bullet Bill from one of the shoes.

Now what is a Bullet Bill, you ask? Well, it is another one of the many enemies that Mario has to face in the game and is painful at hell at certain parts of the game for many people (although I think the fish and the latikus in certain scenes are worse. Here is what they look like in the game.

Anyway, Mario uses the bullet bill on one of the shoes and has the shoe kick King Koopa off the ledge. Now King Koopa does not die here because he falls into a conveniently placed bucket. Another shoe is used to knock out several goombas. King Koopa uses the bucket he lands on as a base and starts firing at the plumbers. Mario decides to go after him and lands on the bucket using the fungus. A fight ensues between the two and in this fight, Koopa looses the rock, which Lena grabs and falls with. Lena gets electrocuted, but still survives. Now that she has the rock, Lena runs to the sewers to put the rock in the meteorite.

Mario makes Koopa think he has the rock by making a couple of strings. Koopa takes the bait and goes after Mario. However, Luigi and Daisy see that Lena has it and go after her. Koopa continues to chase Mario through the streets while cars are still on the road. At the place where the meteor is, Lena starts to put the final piece in, and we can see lighting coming out. You know this can’t end well. Daisy tries to stop Lena, but Lena puts the rock in. However, she gets electrocuted and rocketed to the wall, where she is now a fossil of her own. Daisy then realizes that Koopa wanted her because she could take the force of the final meteorite piece. Luigi then has the Brooklyn girls go to the other side to warn the world about King Koopa’s upcoming invasion.

Meanwhile, Mario and Koopa are in another battle where a Bo-Bomb was almost used, but failed. We see that the Bo-Bomb goes through the fungus and goes into the street, causing a few car crashes. It is at this point that Koopa realizes that Mario does not have the rock, but the rock has been placed. He laughs as the two worlds commence.

At our world, the girls try to warn the media of the invasion, but Scapelli thinks this is all a ploy to stop him from continuing his building. However, it is not a ploy as Mario appears with Koopa and his troops. Also, several buildings are changed including the twin towers turning into Koopa Tower.
Now, I have heard from some people that this is eerily familiar to September 11, 2001 and probably should be cut out now because of that. To those people, I have one thing to say……


Okay, that is all.

Anyway, Koopa tries to fire a De-Evolution at Mario, but Mario ducks and Scapelli gets turned into a monkey…..much to King Koopa’s laughter.

However, back in the other world, Daisy and Luigi are working hard to get the rock out. Using a drill and a corkscrew, they are able to get the piece out.
Back in the real world, Koopa is once again about to fire a De-Evolution gun, but Mario uses a mushroom to shield himself and the mushroom takes all of the shot. Finally, the two and the goombas are sucked back into their own world, which infuriates Koopa. Daisy and Luigi arrive and are given guns by Toad. Toad then uses his harmonica to distract the goombas into dancing. Meanwhile, the Bo-Bomb is able to for some reason walk upside down and go right under King Koopa. King Koopa is not happy with the goombas so he punches them as they fall into dominoes. Luigi gives Mario the De-Evolution Gun as they shoot at King Koopa. The Bo-Bomb explodes sending a now de-evolved King Koopa back into the bucket. When they look at the bucket to see what happened, a crappy T-Rex shows up

Now I know I am going to get a lot of excuses from people telling me that the time and technology was not good enough. I just want to shoot those down because with me is a shot of the Jurassic Park T-Rex, which was released three months later against the T-Rex in this film.

I rest my case. Even the Carnosaur T-Rex looked slightly better.
Anyway, enough with that, back to the movie. The Mario Brothers shoot the De-Evolution gun at the King Koopa Rex and turns him into complete slime. King Koopa is now destroyed and the original king, for some reason, is restored to his normal self.

Hey Kids.....It's Lance Henrickson

The goombas dance as we move back to the sewers. Luigi professes his love for Daisy and wants her to come with him. She declines and says that she has to stay here. Luigi and her kiss as they part. Mario and Luigi are back on the real world and considered heroes. They are prominently featured on Luigi’s favorite show Miraculous World as he and Mario are called the Super Mario Brothers. A knock at the door occurs when Daisy pops in and tells them that something bad has happened. She needs them to come back at once which they are more than happy to do as the movie ends.

Or is it? After the credits, Japanese video game makers make a new game about what happened. Does it feature Mario & Luigi and is it called the Super Mario Brothers? Of course not, silly. It is about Iggy and Spike and is called the Super Koopa Cousins.

Now that the movie is really over, I just want you to know several things. One is that there was a planned sequel to this pile of crap, but because the first one bombed, there was never a second one. The other thing is the people who made this movie were the same team who hit the 80s with a fad known simply as…..

Max Headroom

Another thing is that Daniella was originally going to be called Pauline which would be based off the damsel who Mario saves in the game he originated in Donkey Kong.

One more thing was apparent and that was Dennis Hopper and John Leguizamo would like each other and work together in…..

I know you want me to kick this movie straight in the balls, but I have some good things to say. First, Dennis Hopper is awesome in this movie and proves my belief that he is the third best villainous actor today (only behind Christopher Walken and Gary Oldman). Dennis Hopper shows wit that this movie sadly needed and unlike Leguizamo and Hoskins, who gave old jokes, Hopper gave you witty moments that were brilliant, especially taunts. They were straight to the point and would never have been thought of by a lot of people.
I also have to give credit to Bob Hoskins. His character makes out with all the fatter women while his sidekick got Daisy. Bob Hoskins could have gone all star on us and demanded that he get the hot chick, but that is not Bob. So bottom line, next time I go double dating…..I must take Bob Hoskins with me
You know, this movie could have been good in that 90s boom period if it wasn’t called the Super Mario Brothers.
But here comes the verbal beat down. This movie was sadly called the Super Mario Brothers. It had more script writes that the cast just didn’t read the new ones. A lot was mistaken and went so off the source that it makes a fan whose childhood this game is part of, so I was emotionally scarred by this. I’m giving most of the actors breaks because they didn’t have their childhood with Mario as parts of it. In this day, I doubt that no one would do this with that script. And in this day, we might be seeing more of our childhood ripped apart with Transformers. Now on my opinion of Luigi getting the girl instead of Mario, I am going to allow The Wrestling Fan’s Sean Carless.

And it really wasn’t even about Mario, the most iconic and celebrated character in Nintendo history. Instead, it’s Luigi who gets the girl here. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that no one gives a fuck about Luigi (bar in Super Mario 2 the game, where he was arguable the best character, game-play wise.) In fact, if you were ever Luigi in the game, it was likely only because your asshole brother chose Mario first on two player mode. But still, here’s Luigi, getting all the glory. Maybe the poor hapless bastard has it coming after playing second banana to Mario for 25 years, but still. To me, Luigi ranks up high on the list of brothers who only exist because of their more famous siblings, sandwiched somewhere between Frank Stallone and Daniel Baldwin

I couldn’t have said that any better. But in all, we just got flipped the bird by these producers. But we should be used to being told that, isn’t that right, Toad?

Fuck Yeah, Hahahaha

1 comment: