Sunday, October 4, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Transmorphers (2007)

Monster Crap Inductee: Transmorphers
Less Than Meets The Eye


Sometimes in life, you get a raw deal on a rip-off of one of your favorite toys. Remember when you asked for a Transformers action figure and what you got instead was a Go Bots action figure? That did suck and what was worse was your parents told you that they were basically the same thing when we all knew that the Go Bots were horrible rip offs of the Transformers.

And to all you people out there who are about to rip on me for making fun of the Go Bots, I have my old pal Ogre to set you all straight.


Thank you, Ogre. Anyway, the reason I am bringing up your parents getting you Go Bots instead of Transformers is because there is an actual real-life rip-off movie to the Transformers movie called Transmorphers. Now let me tell you that when I first found out this film existed, I almost coughed up my lungs because I was laughing so hard. But after watching the film there is no way I can laugh at this film now.

Transmorphers is made by the people at the infamous Asylum studio, who I first heard of when I unfortunately watched Jolly Roger: Massacre At Cutter’s Cove and let me tell you something, you haven’t watched horrible ideas come to life until you have seen a resurrected pirate corpse going into a strip club and getting a lap dance all the while saying “Argh”.

This film stars Amy Weber, who you may remember as a sideline reporter for the 2004 Lingerie Bowl and as one of the WWE Raw Diva Search rejects who actually was made into a character for Smackdown. Of course, she left WWE because she was being hazed for her picture being illegally used by a Japanese strip club (at least that is how I remember it). You know, looking back, that was a bit of a situation that she could have taken and continued her career, especially now that we have seen Great Khali get hazed by JBL and Finlay. Oh and also there was this one time where Johnny Jeter got initiated by receiving several of Umaga’s hard chops legitimately backstage. I used to have that video, but I don’t anymore. All of that crap going on backstage at a WWE show makes Amy’s reasons for leaving seem petty now.

But now let’s get to this awful movie and see why if you given this instead of the Transformers movie (which thankfully I just happened to see before seeing this), you got a very Raw deal and whoever gave this to you better apologize immediately.

We begin this film with……….

After that hell, we get a prologue that tells us that basically, robots from outer space came to Earth, invaded the planet and won. Well, the robots created an eternal night by covering our planet with clouds. How do they cover our planet, we never know because this film wasn’t so kind as to freaking tell us.

We basically fled underground and if you really are desperate to see this opening scene, I believe I can help you out thanks to the good pals at You Tube.

Anyway, we go to the ground and we get rolling credits which normally means that is the end of the movie.

But it is not the end of the movie; it is only just the beginning. Seriously, when you have rolling credits in your movie as the opening credits, you have some serious issues or you are just warning people to stop watching this movie now because that is probably the best you are going to get. I am kind of choosing the latter of the two. Oh yeah, and the underground city looks like we got on the ride to Epcot.

We do find out that this part of the film takes place 400 years after the robots took over Earth. Of course, the stupid humans in the film are planning some sort of attack. Oh and when we get to the talking, we find out something is very wrong in this movie. Yes, for the first time ever folks, I am reviewing a movie where the audio is not in sync with the film at all. Funny story about this is Asylum studios, while rushing these things to DVD, did not even check to see if the audio was in sync with what is going on at all. In later cuts of the film, which are kind of located not in the United States. So basically, you have to buy this puppy outside of the country if you really want it. So to not be annoyed by this huge mistake, you have to at least pretend that this film (with American actors mind you) is being dubbed to English.

We then get our first look at one of the main characters in this movie, General Van Ryberg (played by Eliza Swenson, who if you can tell by reading her mini biography on IMDB, was actually written by her).

There is an argument going on whether the people launch an attack or not. General Van Ryberg doesn’t want to attack just yet while some other guy who I don’t know wants to attack now. Well, the Chairman (who is a chairwoman) decides that the humans attack now. Oh yeah, when the female general talks about the fact that we have a suicide mission to plan, her underling just says “Yes sir”. The reason for that, as director Leigh Scott was so kind enough to mention to Monster Crap, was that woman are going to be treated as equals to men so we no longer say yes ma’am. I don’t know about you, but I don’t any woman who would rather be called sir than ma’am.

On another part of the city, we see a small army getting ready to mobilize. They are being explained the instructions by their superiors and I could care less enough to find out what those instructions are. The only thing I did get was that we are to capture a zetabot or Z-bot as they are mostly call in this film. The means of capturing one of them is by using this.

We also get introduced to Blackthorn, who is supposed to be another main character, but I can tell you now to not know him too well for this may be one of the few times you actually see him.

When asked about the brain scans, the commander says that they don’t exist. I am getting the feeling that they do. As soon as the small army gets to the surface, one of them comments on how the Earth has gone to hell.

Everything seems to be going okay, something happens. Remember those brain scans the superiors told the army didn’t exist? Well, they do and one guy goes into a seizure because of it. The General, upon hearing this, tells the group to pull out. The superiors react to the fact that the brain scans exist like their favorite sports team just got eliminated from the playoffs. When the superiors hear a strange sound, they tell Blackthorn to get out of there as it is a trap.
Ackbar Could Have Said That Sooo Much Better

And a trap occurs with an ambush which basically kills everyone. How well does the small army fight back, you ask? Well, about as well as the worst sports team normally does against the best sports team. Well….the good news is these robots at least morph, but not into vehicles. They instead morph into some other kind of robot. Van Ryberg’s underling (played by Jeff Denton) wants to get Lux to use air support for the retreating soldiers, but the general won’t have that as it would expose their positions. She also then cuts communication with the small army out there, so the soldiers now know they are screwed royally.

Oh yeah, we find out another flaw with the audio as not only is it not on sync, but several parts of the audio are completely muted. Yeah, whoever made this DVD did a very sloppy job.

Back at the city, one soldier tries to convince the general that one man would be perfect for the new assignment. Oh yeah, we get introduced to Nadir (who is played by Amy Weber).

Well, there is already several people against the idea while we still have no idea who we are talking about. But Nadir is kind enough to say that Warren Mitchell, the guy everyone is talking about, is a wild card. She is definitely against the idea and you can kind of see that she and Mitchell have some history.

We finally see Lux (played by Shaley Scott), who comes in defending Mitchell as the right guy for this new mission.

The General is definitely against this idea, calling Mitchell a traitor. After some more bickering, the decision is to reluctantly have Mitchell be the new captain. Where is Mitchell anyways, you ask?

Yes, somehow the guy who is going to save us all was tried and convicted of treason. We actually do finally find out that General Van Ryberg’s underling’s name is McGuire.

McGuire makes the statement that it is good to see Mitchell (played by Matthew Wolf) again as well. We find out that it has been 5 years since Mitchell was in freeze status. Mitchell makes a proclamation that he needs his friends with him to do this operation. After another annoying argument, Mitchell only gets one of his friends to join him. The friend he chooses is a guy named Itchy (played by Griff Furst).

Mitchell reveals to his friend Itchy that he is now a Lieutenant and that Mitchell is a Captain. General Van Ryberg comes in to explain a few ground rules. One of those rules is to stay away from Nadir, since she has made her decision on him. How much you want to be this ground rule is broken? General Van Ryberg also reveals that she and Nadir are married. Yes folks, in the future, their will be lesbian marriages. Now Leigh explained that this was another thing to show that times have changed, but since their isn’t a gay male couple… personal beliefs are that Leigh has a lesbian fantasy in him…..not that there is anything wrong with that, of course.

Well, if you bet that he would break that rule of not seeing Nadir, you would be technically wrong since Nadir came to see him in his room. You know, this crap makes me want to see the crappy robots again. Mitchell goes to sleep and dreams about the past when he is awaken by Itchy, who tells Mitch that everyone is ready. Mitchell gives his crew a pep talk before they begin the mission. The pep talk includes Mitchell telling everyone to try and knock him out. Of course, everyone gets their ass kicked except for the woman who originally recommended him for the job. Mitchell tells her to stay while everyone else is dismissed. Mitchell says that he wants more volunteers because his current crew isn’t going to last very long out there. Itchy talks another girl into joining and after much reluctance; she agrees to join the cause. Itchy then proceeds to hit on her and he gets hit on as well.

Mitchell now gives another pep talk to his crew when Lux comes in with two other girls and says that they are joining. Mitchell is happy to see they have joined and continues his pep talk. He allows Dr. Allextzavitch to speak.

Why I am mentioning this guy is because he will reveal a huge plot twist later on. The doctor reveals his plan to capture one of the Z-bots and see what they are made of so we can know what we are dealing with. Now this guy you can say would very easily have failed the debate team. Mitchell continues his speech and answers questions before dismissing everyone. Nadir shows up and after getting verbally assaulted by Lux, she reveals that she is signing up. Of course there is some reluctance, but she joins anyways. Oh yeah, after all of this, we get a catfight between two of the women who joined the crew and several of their comrades who didn’t over beds. Yeah, I really shouldn’t even bother with explaining this and I won’t. I will just leave you with another You Tube video.

Anyway, Lux breaks up the fight and performs the weakest slap I have ever seen; yes….even weaker than that slap in the Horrors of Spider Island. Of course, another fight breaks out where I don’t have a video for so I will just say that the one girl who didn’t join the group gets her ass kicked by Lux.

Anyway at the bar, the good doctor reveals that his assistant is an android who can’t drink alcohol. He reveals that he made just her and another one, but that didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to. Some people have commented that the android never speaks, but she does speak by saying that she doesn’t drink. Itchy then asks the good doctor if he can make one those androids for him, which the doctor says that he doesn’t see why he can’t.

After the bar scene, we get a tender moment (at least it is intended to be that way) between General Van Ryberg and Nadir. Of course, we get a kiss scene between the two which would make a lot of men approve.

One final pep talk is made by Mitchell before the mission begins. Finally, we see more giant robots, but sadly that isn’t saying much for this movie. We get tons of puns that just seemed to be crammed in just for the hell of it.

One final pep talk is made by Mitchell before the mission begins. Finally, we see more giant robots, but sadly that isn’t saying much for this movie. We get tons of puns that just seemed to be crammed in just for the hell of it

They ambush a few Z-bots and are actually able to capture one. Remember those little Frisbee like things I showed you earlier, well they are used to stun the bots. One of the soldiers is taken by the bots and Nadir goes after them while the rest of them head back to base. When Nadir finds the soldier, they decide to go to the tower and wait for the others.

Meanwhile at the base,, they conduct a dissection of one of the robots to find biologic tissue which gives us the line of “we theorized that they were created by some alien race, but they are the alien race”. The group decides to head back to the city with the robot in tow. At the base, Van Ryberg wants to go up and get her wife, but Mitchell says that he will do it and that she is needed more down in the city. Both Mitchell and Van Ryberg are not too happy to see the dissected robot in the city. Of course, when they take the fuel cell out of the robot, it dies…no real telling way that it’s dead except for the guys basically saying “Oops…it’s dead”. A full out assault is ordered now, since they really have no other options.

A new idea is brought up that we transfer the fuel cell into another robot. During the debate over which robot to use, we get the plot twist that Mitchell is actually the other android that the doctor invented. Yes, I know this is some very crappy plot twist. Mitchell decides that he will take the fuel cell even though he knows that it will probably kill him. When offered the idea of his memories being downloaded so he can get a backup body, Mitchell declines saying he wants to die like a human. And how do we see his insides, well…..

Looks More Like The Insides Of A Labtop Instead Of A Cyborg

After that is all said and done, Mitchell takes Allextzavich and his robot bodyguard up with him as they head towards the tower. Van Ryberg tells Mitchell that he has thirty minutes to get the mission done. How do they get to the tower, you ask?

In the tower, Mitchell, Allextzavich, Itchy, and the doctor’s android bodyguard meet Nadir and the formerly captured soldier at the tower. Here we learn that these evil robots have one more trick up their sleeve.

In the tower robot, they destroy several bots that are guarding the mainframe of the towerbot. When Nadir finds out that Mitchell is going to sacrifice himself to save the world, she cries and gives him a hug. Oh and at this point, I don’t know if the rain washed away her makeup or something, but Amy Weber looks ugly as hell.

You know, I am starting to wonder if she might be the crypt keeper in disguise

Anyway, Mitchell enters the mainframe and fries it with his power cell. This kills him, but not before Mitchell brings us back his memories of Nadir. This destruction causes all the robots to die and the clouds to disappear. The movie ends with the sun showing itself.

Well, lets get to the difficulties in this film. Besides the audio not being in sync, there were sound effects missing when they should be there and special effects missing that should be there. You know I hate to say this, but there were really no explosions when there should have been explosions.

Oh yeah, and might I add that there were certain scenes (mostly involving the evil robots) where it looked like someone just used bad video game graphics.

You know what is worse about this film? It actually has special features on it. The special features include the making of the movie, the making of the special effects (so we can see where the juvenile effects come from), a music video (what band would want to be associated with this garbage?) and blooper reels, which is mainly involve Amy Weber screwing up.

Now most of the actors star in other Asylum films because where else are they going to get work. This was the director’s last film with Asylum and boy did he leave an impression. Leigh Scott also goes on IMDB and makes fun of anyone who ridicules his movies. You know, Uwe Boll has better use of his time than this bum.

Now my final thoughts on this film.

Hey....Final Thoughts Is My Thing

Shut up, Jerry. Anyway, remember when I said that Zarkorr The Invader may be tied for the worst movie I have ever reviewed along with Monster A Go-Go? Well, I wish I could say this is the worst movie ever, but unfortunately this is the worst DVD ever because of the audio sync being horrible. Please…..for god’s sakes…..never..


buy this movie.

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