Thursday, October 1, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Squirm (1976)


Well….after the disappointment that was Gamera, I was expecting once again to be seeing another disappointment in Squirm. Actually, I really wasn’t expecting Squirm to be any good. Just think about it, killer worms. How are we supposed to be afraid of killer worms? I mean, let’s face it… just squish them and it’s all over. Although it would be a pain in the ass to kill them with a knife (they can split into two if you cut them in half, doubling your problem). Truth be told, the only worm I fear is the worms on my computer.

But I will give this movie credit, like most of the movies on Monster Crap. They at least tried. However, with a premise about animals that are really low on my fear list to be monsters is really a stretch. I mean, they are freaking worms for god sakes. It is just a premise that is just asking to be crapped on. And so it will be done. Actually, if you actually want to know how idiotic these people really were, just wait until after I summarize this movie to find out which actors the boneheads actually passed on. But here is one hint, two of the three have won academy awards and the other one has won an Emmy and Golden Globe. Now without further ado… we go.

We begin this movie with some reading material telling you what happened.

Late in the evening of September 29, 1975, a sudden electrical storm struck the rural sea coast area of Georgia. Power lines, felled by high winds, sent hundreds of thousands of volts surging into the muddy ground, cutting off all electricity to the small secluded town of Fly Creek. During that period that followed the storm experienced what scientists believe to be one of the most bizarre freak accidents of nature ever recorded.

This is the story….

So basically, this is trying to tell you that this a true story, which by the way it isn’t. But of course some idiots would believe this happened since it was around the redneck parts of Georgia.

Getting Images Of Deliverance In My Head......Help

Anyways, back to the movie when after the reading part is done, we see the electrical storm hit the town of Fly Creek.

Anyways, while this is all happening, the credits are being shown. We then see electrical wires fall into the soil as a small unseen boy is singing some song. Oh and let me tell you, if you wanted creepy song, this song will do it. We also see close-ups of worms opening their mouth and screaming. What is sad about these scenes is that some of these so called “worms” are actually millipedes.

The next day, we look at tree branches and go to a rural house. Oh, and while I may not be a person really interested in the colors of houses, even I have to say that yellow looks extremely ugly on a house. Oh and here comes some dude doing some gardening. And moving to some red haired girl (whose name is Gerri Sanders) taking a shower and we don’t get to see any nudity here.
Damn It!!

Oh and it gets worse when this woman is very skinny, so much so that

She Needs To Eat A Sandwich

And older lady looks out of her house and is talking to the guy taking care of the garden. That guy’s name is Roger Grimes. And the accents in this film are way too southern for my taste. In the kitchen, we find out the temperature has gone up to 90 degrees and thanks to the electrical storm of the night before, they probably don’t have any air conditioning. Not that they would use one anyways. Oh yeah, and the older lady (whose name is Naomi Sanders), is pissed off that the refrigerator isn’t working. Gerri talks about her new boyfriend, Mick, who she met at the car dealer show and hooked up with.

Naomi tries to talk to her daughter but she drops the dish and breaks it.

Anyway, this Mick fellow is going to be visiting Gerri at Fly Creek. Back to the kitchen, Naomi is talking about how the storm scared the living daylights out of her. And down the stairs comes Gerri’s sister, Alma. Gerri asks Roger if she can use his truck to meet Mick. Oh, did I mention that Roger looks a little bit like a young Joe Bob Briggs.

Yes, I am making fun of a lot of people in this movie. Alma makes fun of Roger and Roger responds by making fun of her pimple. Roger would rather drive her there, but she wishes to drive on her own. He reluctantly allows her to use it, but he tells her to be careful since he has several boxes of worms in there for his dad’s worm farm and bait shop. Naomi tells Gerri to pick up some ice while she is in town since the fridge isn’t working. We go to the flooded road and a bus pulls up and stops. The bus driver says that he can’t make it through so he will have to go back. This is where we are introduced to Mick, who looks like a young Bill Gates. Mick says he will get off here. He brings his bags, a tennis racket, and a fishing rod. Since he is holding these all wrong, he ends up whacking several people on his way out of the bus. The bus driver gives him a shortcut through the woods, even though he tells him he needs a compass, which Mick has one of. He asks where a men’s room is, which annoys the bus driver so he closes the door. There is a scene where he is pissing in the woods that was cut, but I just so happen to have uncut bus scene so I will show you it.

As Mike walks through the, I am playing out that deliverance song out in my mind. And of course, some redneck guy saying the following…..

Anyway, while in the woods, Mick falls into a deep puddle. Gerri giggles as she waves to him. Mick is now wet and walks with her to the truck. She goes into town and stops to pick up some ice. Anyway, Mick decides he needs a drink and goes to a local small diner. And at this diner is the local sheriff of this town. Mick goes up to the front and asks for some egg cream, to which the person who operates this place has never heard of. He tells her what it is and she makes it for him. They call it in the south a chocolate soda, but he asks for a bit of milk. He starts to drink it when he spits it out when he sees a worm in his drink. The waitress blames him for the worm being there saying he put the worm in the drink. His catches him by surprise and is astonished that she would actually blame him. He yells at her, to which does not make the sheriff happy. He starts blaming him as well as both he and the waitress throw him out. The sheriff tries to get Mick to apologize for what he thinks was a prank, but Mick refuses to because it wasn’t a prank to him. There is a scene where Gerri asks him to carry the ice which he agrees, but once again they cut the scene. For the unedited version, watch this.

Gerri and Mick return to the house where we get an up-close shot of old Naomi’s ass. Gerri giggles like a little school girl with asthma as she introduces Mick to Naomi. She also introduces Mick to Alma who is smitten by him. Jeez, anyone in the South must be smitten with anyone from up north. Oh which by the way is not true because I live in Virginia, which is considered the South, and it doesn’t work that way. Anyway, Gerri and Mick go to see Mr. Beardsley, but are stopped by Roger, who is pretty pissed off. It seems that the worms got out of the truck. Willie is there and is also pissed. Gerri says that maybe Roger forgot to close the crates and Willie believes that. He scolds Roger as he leaves.

Gerri apologizes and leaves with Mick to head to Mr. Beardsley’s place. When they get there, they try to call out Mr. Beardsley, but find out that he is not around. While searching for him, Gerri screams when she comes across a skeleton. Mick sees it and decides that he and Gerri should go get the sheriff. While they leave, we see a full view of the skeleton and from the way this skeleton is posed, I would say the skeleton could be only Mr. Bearsley

The sheriff comes with them annoyed. The skeleton is gone and the sheriff chalks this one up as another prank being pulled by Mick. The sheriff tells Mick that if he sees him again, he will be arresting him on the spot. Gerri and Mick then decide to go to Roger and apologize for what happened. Roger is at a bar and tells them to forget all about the incident. Mick then asks Roger if he will go fishing with them since he probably knows all the best spots. He of course agrees after some convincing by Gerri and tells them that he will meet them by boat after lunch. They cut to after lunch where they are searching for Roger. They come across a shed and inside that shed; they find the skeleton that they had found earlier. They see Willie come up with several boxes so they cover the skeleton up, close the shed, and hide.

Gerri wants to go tell the sheriff, but Mick is against that since he is aware of the sheriff’s warning. They walk to the woods and see Roger next to the boat. Out fishing, Mick asks about the smell and Gerri explains that it is low tide and that you can’t even swim in the water. She wonders how the fish can even survive when Roger makes a joke about saying the fish might be from New York. Everyone laughs at the joke as they ask Roger to show them how to put a worm on a hook. Roger says he can’t because he finds them disgusting. When asked why he works with them, he says that his father forces him to work with them. Gerri decides to do it and puts a worm easily on the hook. Mick decides to try and the worm bites him. Gerri sees the wound and mentions that she never saw them bite like that. Roger reveals that he has seen them bite like that before. He talks about how his dad was trying to uses electricity to get the worms out of the soil and Roger shows his hand which missing parts of his fingers to show what happened.

Mick decides to go back on shore and tells Gerri to stay so the day of fishing isn’t completely ruined. When Mick gets off the boat, he goes back to the shed and looks at the skeleton once again. He of course takes the skull off the skeleton and tries to see who it is. He of course runs into Alma and shows her the skull. He wants to find out whose bones they are and Alma asks to come with him. He of course agrees and they head off. Back on the boat, Gerri and Roger are still fishing while several worms have escaped from the box and are now on the floor of the boat. Roger tries to make the moves on Gerri, telling her that he is going to leave the worm business and wants to help her with business now that her father is dead. He tries to forcefully kiss her and is pushed away on to the floor. There he is attacked by several worms and while trying to pull them off, he falls into the water. Roger is screaming as he runs off into the woods. Now what is very interesting about the worms attacking Roger was the scene was cut from the R rated version so it could become PG.

Mick and Alma go to the dentist’s home. Mick figures that the dentist isn’t home so he will break into his house by crawling into an open window. Alma joins him in his burglary and they go to the dentist’s office. They look at the teeth records and find out that the skeleton is Mr. Beardsley himself.

We look at the skull one more and we see a millipede coming out of the eye socket. I’m guessing this movie wants you to believe that is a worm, but worms don’t have legs. They take the skull out of the house as we see a shot of the wire electrocuting the ground. When going back to the house, Gerri runs out of the house and tells Mick all about the worms attacking Roger. She sees the skull and runs back inside. Alma comes in and asks if they were going to put Mr. Beardsley’s skull back into the shed. Having not been told yet, Gerri can’t believe that it was Mr. Beardsley who was the skeleton. Out of stress, Gerri yells at Alma, calling her a brat. Alma yells and the yelling brings in Naomi trying to figure out what is going on. She asks what the two were fighting about and Gerri lies, saying they were fighting over who made dinner. Naomi believes the lie and tells Alma since Gerri has a guest, that it would be courteous for Alma to make dinner. She agrees and Naomi leaves. Gerri then apologizes for yelling at Alma, to which Alma forgives her and says that she is worried about Momma. For those of you keeping track, Naomi is Momma. Gerri asks her to stay behind and make sure Naomi is okay. Alma says okay as Gerri and Mick head towards Willie’s worm farm.

When they get to Willie’s farm, Mick decides to look around alone. While in the car, Gerri thinks she sees Roger in the rear view mirror. She looks behind the car and sees that he isn’t there. Meanwhile, Mick looks for Willie and finally finds him, well his body of course. Yes folks, Willie is dead. Mick tries to check for a heart beat and hears a strange sound. He rips open his shirt and finds that worms are eating the organs in his abdomen.

He starts of course hitting clear evidence with a shovel and runs back to Gerri. Both get in the car and drive off. Of course, you hear the tires squeal, which is rather odd since they were on dirt and last I check, tires didn’t squeal on dirt.

While in the car, Mick tells Gerri that Willie is dead. They go to town and find the sheriff at a restaurant, eating spaghetti with his date. They then decide to tell him about the worms that are attacking and killing people. I’m not sure about you, but when I’m eating spaghetti, the last thing I want someone to talk about is worms. Once again, the sheriff does not believe them and tells Mick that it is probably going to take him 10-15 minutes to eat the spaghetti and tells him that the 10-15 minutes is a head start. Of course, he told him before hand that if he ever saw him again, he would arrest him. It seems as if this sheriff doesn’t want to do his job. Mick and Gerri decide to leave as the sheriff looks on. They go back to Mr. Beardsley’s house and wonder what he was doing out late at night. They find Mr. Beardsley’s shirt filled with blood. Mick is about to open the door when he hears the same sound he heard from Willie’s belly.

Deducing that it was the worms on the other side, he decides against opening the door. Mick and Gerri then get back in the car where Mick comes up with the idea that Roger took the skeleton of Mr. Beardsley. He wonders why he would do that when Gerri reveals that he was probably going to sell it so he can get the money to help her with her father’s old work. Mick then reveals that he thinks the worms were behind all the attacks and murders.

Back at the house, Mick and Gerri join the family for dinner. Oh, and we see that there is an urn in the middle of the table.
Naomi wants to wait for Roger, but Gerri tells that he probably had to work late at the worm farm. Naomi then speaks bad about Willie saying he just doesn’t appreciate how much his son does for him. Naomi wonders why no one is at dinner except them when everyone else decides to just begin dinner. Mick accidentally knocks the pepper over and picks it up. Suddenly, a tree falls into the dining room where they are eating. Everyone is okay as Mick decides to look outside to see what caused the tree to fall down. He sees the worms where the tree used to be and deduces that they were behind the tree falling. Great, now these worms are lumberjacks now.
When Mick goes for some gasoline, the worms suddenly vanish. He asks where he can get some plywood so he can seal off the house from the worms and Gerri tells him that there was an old rice mill that is run down. Meanwhile, inside the bathroom, Alma decides to start the shower and when it doesn’t start, she goes down to check on Naomi. She leaves the shower running and we see worms coming out of the shower head. Naomi looks up at ceiling where there is a hole. Now another scene was cut here where Mick goes to the rundown mill and picks up some of the old plywood from the run down mill. He is walking into the woods with the plywood when he is tackled by Roger. Roger throws him into a small pit. Mick tries to get up, but in the dumbest way, twists his ankle. Roger then basically says that Gerri is his and that he shouldn’t go near her again. I would say that Roger is a jealous boyfriend, but she isn’t even dating Roger. Anyway, Roger gives us the most interesting quote in the whole movie.

Roger: You gonna be da' worm face!

Also in case you haven’t seen the uncut version. Here is this scene that includes another scene that was sadly and unnecessarily cut from this movie.

Roger then throws the plywood at Mick which knocks him out. Of course, if you see that, you will wonder how that knocks him out. Roger than beats a stick and throws it at Mick’s weak melon before running off.

We cut to the electrical wire once again electrocuting the ground before moving to the Sanders household. Oh we also see more worms coming out of the shower head and the whole tube is filled with worms. Back in the kitchen, Naomi is calling for Alma and asking her if she hears a noise. Gerri says she doesn’t hear a noise and tells Alma to takes some candles to Naomi. Alma takes some candles to Naomi, who is knitting something. Naomi then asks if Alma left the water running in the bathroom to which Alma yes in relief. She is lucky that she doesn’t live in Key West or else that would constitute as a fine. Alma then goes upstairs and notices that the bathroom door is making a strange sound.

Back outside, Mick finally wakes up and sees that worms are about to attack him. Mick then decides to take his shirt off, roll it up onto the stick that was left behind and light his shirt on fire, creating a torch. Due to the light, the worms run away. At this point, Mick is able to get himself out of the pit and heads for the house.

Meanwhile, at the sheriff’s office, we see why the sheriff didn’t want to arrest Mick at the restaurant. He is using the jail cell as a place where he can have sex with his date. While lying in the jail bed, they are attacked by the worms. Meanwhile at the bar, the worms attack bar patrons, killing all of them.
Back at the house, Gerri starts lighting more candles when she notices the worms are in the house.

Gerri then goes to Naomi asking about where Alma is. Naomi, still knitting, says that Alma is upstairs taking a shower. Gerri then asks if the front door is open, which Naomi responds that it is. However, Naomi also says that she left the back door open. This of course causes alarm for Gerri who tries to close the back door. When she gets there, she is grabbed and kidnapped by Roger, who also turns the candles off.. Mick heads towards the house with his man-made torch. When he gets to the house, he sees that worms have overrun the basement. He tosses the torch aside without bothering to put it out as he enters the house, because you know, fire doesn’t spread.

When Mick enters the house, we hear that creepy kid’s song again. When he goes to the attic, he is attacked by Roger, who has Gerri bound and gagged up there. Down the stairs, where Naomi was, we see hoards and hoards of worms. Of course at this point, you can kind of guess that Naomi is dead. Mick tries to go down the stairs, but sees that the worms would kill him and stops. Roger is not to far behind and they get into a fight where they try to throw each other down the stairs and into the worms. Mick throws Roger into worms and he dies.
Mick goes back to the attic where he unties Gerri. Gerri of course hugs Mick and cries like a dog. They then see the hoards of worms that arm coming so they go to the window and climb into another tree where they spend the rest of the night in. The next mourning, a power guy comes by and tells them that the electricity is back and running again. Of course, he is completely oblivious as to what happened so he leaves, believing they are nothing more than strange kids. We also find out that Alma is still alive as she gets out of a trunk because for some reason, she is able to contort herself and hold her breath for hours. Of course, they all reunite inside of the house that the worms are no longer in as this movie ends. Oh, we also get some woman now singing the same creepy song that the kid sang throughout this movie during the credits.

Well, here is the interesting part of the movie which involves several movie stars who tried to get in this movie, but were passed on by the filmmakers. Kim Bassinger tried to audition for this movie as Gerri. They of course passed on her and took the redheaded girl instead. Kim of course would go on to be Vicki Vale in Batman, a bond girl in Never Say Never, and won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for L.A Confidential. Another person who tried to get a role in this movie was Sylvester Stallone, who tried to play the role as the villain Roger. They passed on him and one year later, he would be taking an Oscar for Best Actor for his role in the movie Rocky. And finally, Martin Sheen wanted to be in this movie as Mick, but they the kid with glasses instead. But don’t feel bad for him; he got his big break three years later in Apocalypse Now. So what happened to the people they chose instead. Well, Don Scardino (Mick) would find his true calling as a director of TV shows. Patricia Pearcy (Geri) would do roles in small movies and is now teaching acting in Austin, Texas. R.A. Dow (Roger) would never do another movie again.

Now, this movie is very cheesy. There are several mistakes (other than mistaking millipedes for worms) that I am not going to get into. The only good thing in this whole movie is the fact that they were able to get a very creepy theme song into their movie. And still, I am not convinced as to why I should be afraid of worms. All I can do is hire WWE's The Boogeyman as he will eat them.

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