Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Critters 2: The Main Course (1988)

Monster Crap Inductee: Critters 2: The Main Course
Don’t Save Room For Dessert
1988


After the two horrible movies that were 10,000 BC and Disaster Movie, don’t you think I deserve a break from all of these painfully bad movies and take time to do an awesomely bad movie? Well……most of you didn’t think so because most of you wanted me to induct Meet The Spartans next. Luckily for me however, I have made a scenario where I get to veto one of your choices and choose something of my own. Yes, I know it is mean….but my sanity counts more than anything so alas, there will be no Meet The Spartans induction until several months down the line, but instead……seeing as it is Easter season, I guess I should induct one of my favorite awesomely bad movies, Critters 2.

Now don’t get a heart attack all of you Critters fans because I am with you in saying that I love this movie. However, there are several things that make this film awesomely bad and of course; I will be nice enough to show them.

But let’s get a history lesson for those who don’t know much about the Critters. In 1984, Joe Dante brought a new wave into the creature feature with the horror comedy, Gremlins. Of course, it did well which meant there were a bunch of studios coming up with ideas to rip it off, but in history there is normally always one rip off that worked better than the rest and for Gremlins, the most successful rip off was Critters. Hell, even Roger Ebert loved the first Critters film and that guy has a stick up his ass more than anyone.

Now the first Critters film will probably be known as the best, but for some reason, I always loved Critters 2 more than the original Critters. I didn’t know why that was until I watched Critters 2 once more and it was painfully obvious that it is probably because I am a fan of awesomely bad movies and Critters 2, was awesomely bad.

We begin this movie with the title card…….okay; thank god I can watch a movie again and not have to wait for the freaking title card……I mean, we don’t need to see crap in the beginning. Just show us the title card and be done with it.

Anyway, we are in a cave where a guy who looks like Boba Fett and is actually a bounty hunter is searching for something in a cave. He hears a roar and starts running, but bumps into the creature that attacks him. Now we don’t know what this creature is called…..but we sure do know one thing.

That It Is Really Ugly.

The bounty hunter has trouble with it, but is saved by another bounty hunter shooting it. We then see the two bounty hunters enter a ship with the corpse of the dead creature in tow. The bounty hunter who saved the other one is revealed as Ug.


The other bounty hunter has trouble with his mask, but once he gets it off. It is revealed that the other guy is named Charlie. You might remember me mentioning Charlie in my induction of the third film so let me say this now, he is probably one of the only two people in all four films (the other being Ug).
Charlie puts the dead creature into a cooler where a bunch of other dead creatures are and I have to say.

I Have A Feeling That These Creatures Were Taken From Other Studios.

I forgot to mention that there was a third bounty hunter with them named Lee so yes, Critters was the first to have two alien characters named Ug and Lee and if you see them when they look normal, you would understand. I believed I mentioned the stupid Ug and Lee joke from Double Dragon, but here it is actually funny because I don’t believe for once did they ever care to just tell us the Ug-Lee joke at all. Instead, their names are Ug and Lee and that is basically it, you figure out the joke. Anyway, they get a phone call from some intergalactic alien.


Anyway, the alien congrats them on their catch and tells them that there are still Krites on Earth. Basically, he tells them their payment for this kill will be held until they eradicate all of the Crites on Earth. They spaceship makes a complete 180 and goes towards Earth.

We go then to a bus heading towards Grover’s Bend and the bus driver talks to the passenger about the “supposed” events from the first film. The passenger shrugs it off like he doesn’t know anything about what happened, but in fact, the passenger is….

Brad Brown From The First Film.

Yes and as anyone who has seen the first film can tell you, it is actually the same actor from the first film. I know that means nothing to most of you, but for today……it would be hard for you to get a main character from the first film to be in the sequel. So anyways, he is trying his best to keep his past secret. He even goes as far as to hide the name on his bag.

Speaking of the Browns, we go to an old dilapidated farm where two people from a truck trespass. I do believe after the first film that house would have still been fine for living in, but hey…..I am not complaining. Anyways, the two people are an old antiques store owner and some punk named Wesley.


Wesley shows the old antiques owner some strange looking rocks that if you watched the original Critters, you would know that they are Krite eggs.


The old man doesn’t like being at the barn and thinks the rocks are worthless. Wesley threatens to then take them to another antique dealer and the old guy calls his bluff. Wesley makes one more deal and the old man accepts.

We then go to Grover’s Bend, which looks like your standard rural town and they have a local paper called the Grover’s Bend Gazette. A pickup truck would park and because the doors won’t open, the driver gets out as if she is a NASCAR driver. The girl’s name is Megan and she is actually a main character that was not from the first movie.


We see a granny in spandex with kids jogging by and one of the kids is Megan’s younger sister. After telling her sister what time dinner is at, she enters the Gazette, where both her father is working on the newspaper with his assistant and luckily for me, my grandfather worked for the Times Union in Albany, New York so I know why the people are arguing about space on a large piece of paper.


The female assistant notices Brad Brown is back in town and Megan is also interested. Both of them want to talk to him, but Mr. Morgan refuses, saying that the boy has caused enough trouble in this town and he doesn’t want to give the story any validity. Brad Brown goes to the local day-care center which is run by the granny in spandex from earlier.


That granny turns out to be Brad’s grandmother and of course, she is a bleeding heart vegetarian. Now before I continue, let me get on a rant about vegetarians. I have a problem with them because not only do they believe that you canine teeth aren’t there for a damn thing, but they try to force their beliefs upon other people. Even worse than that is even though they don’t like meat, they have no problem eating versions of meat that don’t include meat.

Well, now that I have completely alienated all of my vegetarian listeners, let us get back to Critters 2. Anyway, she kisses him and is not happy that he has eaten red meat. Of course, she tries to tell him to eat a healthy snack with her kids and we then cut to one of the kids……….

Eating Glue.

Yeah, I’m sure that is healthy. Also she goes on a rant talking about how there are canines and herbivores and we are herbivores because we have molars. What she fails to mention is that there is a third type called omnivores that eat both meat & plants and oh yeah, have both canine teeth and molar teeth. Go to the nearby dentist and ask what teeth you have. The dentist will probably tell you that you have canine and molar teeth.

Now Please Make Sure Your Dentist Is Not Corbin Bernson.

We then go to the antiques shop and…..

It Has The Most Original Sign Of An Antiques Shop I Have Ever Seen.

Wesley and the old owner go into the shop where the old man puts the eggs away while Wesley collects his payment, but the old man’s pit bull scares Wesley while the old man gets a good laugh out of it.

Hello There……The Owner Is Not In Right Now So I Will Be The One Serving You. Now Don’t Mind Me Humping Your Leg Or Sniffing Your Groin Because After All, I Am A Dog.

We do find out that the old man’s name is Quigley. Quigley and Wesley exchange dialogue that is so priceless that I must repeat it.

Quigley: It’s just a dog.
Wesley: So is Cujo!!!

The female newspaper assistant, whose name is Sal, goes to a trailer and we find Harv, who was the sheriff in the first film.

Of course, as you can guess or as he will be more than happy to tell you, he lost his re-election as sheriff in a landslide. He also doesn’t want anything to do with the town anymore, even when he is told that Brad Brown is back in town.

Back at the antiques shop, Wesley is unhappy that he only has local generic beer so he takes two loads of them and some Playboy magazines as his payment. While driving away, one of the playboy magazines flies out of the car.

Now at the spaceship, Charlie asks Ug why Lee hasn’t chosen a human face yet. Ug tells him that Lee can choose to revert back if he does not like the face he has and of course if you saw the first film, Lee doesn’t find a face he liked while Ug found the face of a rocker and likes it. Now here is a picture of Lee to see why they were calling him a Nothing-Face.


Charlie reminisces about his past and you can tell he is hesitant to return to Earth because as he says it, he was a big nobody and he only had one friend who was a kid named Brad. But in space, he feels he has a purpose in life and doesn’t know about going back to the place where he was nothing to the others. He also doesn’t want to be left on Earth, but is told by Ug that he is a bounty hunter now so of course, they won’t leave him on Earth.

Now at the local restaurant known as…..

The Hungry Heifer.

Yes that is the name of the place. And guess who the manager is Eddie Deezen from Laserblast (more known as Mandark from the kid’s cartoon, Dexter’s Laboratory).

Would You Like Some Fries With Your Order Of World Domination?

Anyway….at there, Wesley tries to put the moves on Megan and fails which forces him to become aggressive and that brings Brad to defend her and threaten to use his karate moves.

How Much You Want To Bet This Kid Gets His Ass Kicked?

Yep……….I Was Correct.

A truck pulls up and the door opens so Brad can get in and make his escape while Wesley yells that nobody wants him back. Of course, we find out the driver of said truck is Megan who reveals that she was uglier looking when they met in high school, which jogs his memory of her. He makes a stupid joke about her being a Jimmy Olsen with breasts, which gets the expected reaction from her.

Seriously….A Jimmy Olsen With Breasts???

He decides to shut up as they drive away. Luckily, she didn’t throw his ass out of the car, but unlike Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, she didn’t have sex with him either afterwards.

Back at the antiques shop, Quigley calls for his dog, but the dog doesn’t respond so he puts dog food in a bowl and tries to leave, but is stopped by old grandma veggie and Megan’s sister. They are looking for Easter eggs and of course, he tries to hustle them on the eggs…..but when she brings up that he is trying to hustle the church, he gives in and gives them half of them for 20 bucks. Also, we get priceless dialogue once again.

Nana: Where on earth did you get these?
*Quigley pauses for a minute before saying.*
Quigley: They’re From Europe.

Anyway, Brad is dropped off and reveals that he lives in Kansas City. He also resigns himself to say that the whole incident was just a stupid dream. While heading back from the shop, Nana gives the little girl a Krite egg and a bunny that is carob instead of chocolate. Yes, for some reason…she hates meat, but also chocolate….even though carob and chocolate are basically the same thing. Of course, the child has no idea, but she takes it anyways.

Back at the antiques shop, Quigley finds his dog. Unfortunately…..it is dead as….

It Is Being Eaten By The Krites.

The Krites have hatched and to thank the man who took care of them……..

They Eat Him.

Back at a white house that looks like the white house from the first movie, we see Megan’s family is getting ready for bed and the youngest daughter (whose name is Cindy) tries to resist going to bed. However, she is coaxed into it by her father. Back at Nana’s house, Bradley remembers his past and talks about how he misses his friend, Charlie.

Aww…..He Misses Charlie.

While in bed, Cindy puts the egg down and it hatches while she sleeps. We get a first person view of the little Krite as he tries to eat the little girl, but he is accidentally stepped on by Mr. Morgan, who thinks it is the egg and apologizes to Cindy for breaking it.

The next day….people are preparing for the big Easter egg hunt after the church sermon. The current sheriff comes in and he seems annoyed that he has to dress as the Easter bunny. When the church members tell him that the old sheriff did this all the time, he responds by saying that he isn’t the old sheriff. However, he reluctantly agrees to be the Easter bunny. The church ladies hide the eggs all around the church garden, not knowing that the eggs will hatch soon. The church’s Easter sermon has a huge turnout as even Brad has made an appearance. The sermon begins, but that isn’t why we are here….are we?

No, It Is To See The Sheriff As The Easter Bunny……Complete With Funny Ass Music.

The sheriff hops around and laughs when he notices one of the Easter eggs being broken open. It gives a foul odor, but before he can react…..

Krites Attack His Groin.
I am not going to lie; this is the highlight of this movie. I mean….look at the sheriff’s face while it happens.

Now That Is An O Face.

The church sermon continues, but is interrupted by..

The Easter Sheriff Breaking Through The Window While Dying.

The sheriff drops dead soon afterwards.


In fact, this scene is so great that the good folks have this scene on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsIWTm8kOGY&feature=related

Outside of the church, everyone is in shock over the death of the sheriff. Brad and Megan get into an argument over the fact that it might be the Krites, but they both agree to go to Harv for help. While asking Harv for help, he declines and decides to get the hell out of town. However, he does leave us with a great line.

Megan: We need you, Harv. We need a sheriff.
Harv: Go check the yellow pages.

Finally after a long trip back to Earth, Charlie, Ug, and Lee land on Earth. Charlie comes across a Playboy magazine, but Ug and Lee also come across it and Lee changes into the centerfold on the magazine.

Of course, Lee says the one line he (or she in this case) says in the entire film and that is to kill Krites. Back in the truck, Megan and Brad argue again when they run into Sal, who has found that the Krites have killed Quigley. More classic dialogue ensues.

Megan: Brad, you can’t go in there. Let’s get help!
Brad: Who are we gonna call? Critter Busters?
Ray Parker Jr. Is Amused

Brad goes to check, but finds Quigley’s body instead.


The three make a run for it, but not before we find that the Krites truly will eat anything.


Unfortunately for the Krite, he gets inflated and run over when the car starts.


The Krites have also gotten into Nana’s house and is not pleased with the lack of meat. Megan and Brad try to keep the Krites at bay, but when it looks like they are screwed, the door explodes and the three bounty hunters have arrived. Brad and Charlie get a reunion moment before we continue on with the story.

At the Gazette, the Krites try to attack Mr Morgan, but he thwarts them, but putting a cabinet into the air duct. The Krites have also reached the Hungry Heifer, where they are eating all the food. Ug and Lee arrive and all hell breaks loose, which allows us to see the Krites great personalities at work.


My Favorite Part Of Course One Krite Getting The Top Of His Hair Blown Off, Then Looks In The Mirror And Likes What He Sees.

Of course, there is also a great scene where one of the Critters falls into the fryer


It gets so bad for our alien meat eaters that the Krites have to force the door open to make their escape. Oh yeah, I nearly forgot about the classic part where a giant Krite bowls over a group of people with pins and we get the bowling pin sound effect.


Mr. Morgan tries to call for help, but doesn’t realize that the Krites have cut off all means of communication.


Brad, Megan, and Nana however arrive just in time to save Mr Morgan. Unfortunately, it isn’t before the Krites shoot one of their needles into Mr Morgan….which makes him temporarily paralyzed. Yes, they have needles when they need them….if you don’t get it, you really need to watch the first film. The three try to get help from Wesley, but he ignores them as he tries to make his escape. He can’t however, because the Krites have blocked off the roads into and out of town.

Damn You Krites…..Damn You!!!!!

Ug and Lee gets a stern talking to from the manager of the Hungry Heifer for basically destroying the restaurant, but Lee has other ideas.


Like Turning Into Eddie Deezen.

More bounty hunter vs. Krite action ensues while everyone else hides in the church. At night, we get a romantic moment between Brad and Megan. But nobody wants to see romantic moments in this film, they want to see hilarity ensue and Lee & Charlie give us just that when Lee wants to change again.

And what can we ask does he plan on changing into this time?

Oh No…..He Wants To Be Freddy Krueger!!!!

Charlie decides to stop Lee from turning into Krueger and thus forcing the filmmakers to pay big bucks to get a cameo from Robert England by putting the Playboy centerfold in front of Lee again so he changes into the hot woman. However, Lee goes into an alley and is ambushed, which ends with Lee’s death.



Ug sees this and is so distraught by losing his partner that he turns back into his normal self.

At the church, Charlie and Brad try to cheer Ug up, but it is no use as he doesn’t want to hear any of it. Near where the kids are hiding out, the Krites try to attack Cindy. Brad comes in and grabs her, but the Krites seem to have them. However, they are saved by a gun shot from someone and who is this someone?

Yes, It Is Good Ole Harv And He Is Back To Save The Town Once Again.

However, we see where most of the Krites are as they are eating the remains of cows they have killed. Inside the church, people are starting to go insane and while blaming Brad for being here when this all happens, they also start saying there is not a damn person they will follow. However, a gun fires into the air and we see Harv, who yells at the people for being such babies. Brad then makes a plan to lure the creatures into a Polar Burger warehouse, lock them in, and blow them up. Only a few people elect to go with him, including Wesley to everyone’s surprise. Harv then saves that everybody has volunteered and says this classic line.

Harv: You’ve got nothing to lose but your lives.

The big plan begins and for the most part, it seems to work. However, the wind changes and the smell of live bodies make the Krites think about turning back. However, a giant Krite tells them that Hamburgers with no bones are the other way, so they continue down the same path. While all of the other Krites go into the warehouse, the big one stays outside and transforms, revealing to be Ug all along.



The Krites realize they have been had and try to attack Ug, but Ug gets the better of them and locks them inside the warehouse. We then see…..

A Giant Explosion!!!

Seriously, this is truly an epic explosion and I don’t know how it could be done better.

I Could Have Done Better…..
Shut up, Michael Bay. Anyway, everyone celebrates as it seems the end of this movie has come.

We are also are about to get Brad and Megan kissing, but of course….it isn’t soon before we find out that this movie isn’t over yet because a rumble occurs, the door blasts open, and….


All Of The Krites Have Formed Into One Big Giant Ball

This is definitely bad for the towns people because if you get run over by the Giant Krite Ball….


You Become Nothing More Than Bones

It all seems to be the end for the small town until Charlie flies the spaceship right into them and causes another giant explosion.




It seems as though Charlie has sacrificed his life and in memory, Ug turns into Charlie. The next day, life has gone back to normal and we finally see Brad and Megan kiss. Ug waits for another spaceship to pick him up when...

Yep….It Seems Charlie Ejected Out Of The Ship Before It Exploded

Now I know people are waiting for me to call BS on this, but truly I can’t. The difference between this and 10,000 BC is you never saw Charlie actually die and you just assumed he was in the explosion, while in 10,000 BC…..you saw that girl die and was dead for damn near 20 minutes before she miraculously was resurrected.

Anyway, the spaceship comes to pick up Ug and leaves Charlie to stay on Earth. Wait….didn’t Ug specifically tell Charlie that they weren’t going to leave them behind. Man, that alien lied to poor Charlie. Now he has to remain a nobody on planet Earth…..or does he.


It appears that Charlie becomes the new sheriff since Harv is leaving and since the other guy was killed. The bus leaves and everyone lives happily ever after……the end. Oh yeah….almost forgot....

The Actual Town Of Grover’s Bend, Kansas Gets Thanked By The Film For All Of Its Help.

Yes, they actually filmed this film in Grover’s Bend, Kansas and didn’t even do the generic Hollywood thing in renaming the town. That is just a great thing to see as it warms my heart to see a real small town get real credit.

Now onto the careers of most of the people in this film. Now, I believe I mentioned in Critters 3 that Don Opper (the guy that played Charlie) directed the unnecessary Critters 3 and 4, but more on that later. Scott Grimes (who played Brad Brown) went on to do several TV shows as a regular cast member. He was Dr. Archie Morris on ER (until that show recently came to an end in 2009) and is currently doing the voice of Steve Smith on “American Dad”. Also to his resume is TSgt. Donald Malarkey on Band of Brothers, Will McCorkle on Party of Five as well as appearances in movies like Mystery, Alaska, Crimson Tide. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in 2010, you will see him in Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood as Will Scarlet.

Terrence Mann (who played Ug through most of the movie) is the only guy besides Don Opper to appear in both Critters 3 and 4. You all know where Eddie Deezen went to after this film as I mentioned it in my induction of Laserblast so I don’t need to mention it again. Barry Corbin (who played Harv) has also had a pretty successful career as he had a successful run on the TV shows, Northern Exposure and One Tree Hill. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that one of the guards of the church was Tom McLoughlin. If you don’t know who he is, he has done some directing and directed my favorite Jason Voorhees movie…Jason Lives: Friday The 13th Part VI. And I also almost forgot about Lin Shaye (who played Sal in this movie), went on to do several more horror movies including a great little gem of a horror film, The 2001 Maniacs as Granny Boone.

And last but not least, we have the director Mick Garis. Mick has since gone on to be a very good friend of Stephen King and whenever Stephen King does a movie, Mick Garis is normally somewhere in the crew. It proves once again that it doesn’t always have to your skills that get you ahead; it can be who you know.

Now onto another rant of Critters 3. I know you are wondering why I am talking about Critters 3 again when I inducted it already, but Critters 2 brings more anger towards Critters 3. The original Critters kind of left room for Critters 2 to happen so that made sense, but Critters 2 left really no room for a sequel to be needed and for a while, there was not a sequel. I forgot to mention during my Critters 3 induction that Charlie was the sheriff of Grover’s Bend because they completely don’t mention it at all and have him as still a bounty hunter. Also, Ug is Terrence Mann in Critters 3 & 4, but in the end of Critters 2….Ug turns into Charlie. Watching Critters 2 proves once again why Critters 3 or 4 should have never been green-lighted.

Now onto my thoughts on this film. Now I know this film is bad and there are plenty of errors in this film. Several include the sudden appearance and disappearance of certain people during certain scenes, the fact that half of the time….the giant Krite ball, was just a giant plastic ball, and of course, the fact that they pretty much used the house from the first film as a house for another person while the old Brown barn is pretty much wrecked….even though at the end of the first film, it is put back together and looked just as new. Also, in the original….the Krites grew in size by eating, but in this one….if the Krites formed together, they would just become a giant ball.

Now despite all of that, I freaking love this film. This film knew it was a dumb creature feature and went with it. It also had classic lines of dialogue and so many things you could have fun with. Most of the effects were not CGI whatsoever, which means they spent time with this movie and didn’t go with just the cheapest and easiest ways out. The characters are extremely likable and you could see them all being in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Despite the fact that I am inducting this film into Monster Crap, I say you should still see it. However, you might want to see the first Critters film before this because some of the storyline makes more sense if you see the first one. Films like these are reasons I love to do Monster Crap.

And if you thought I was having fun with that induction, you haven’t seen anything yet because you have chosen for me to induct next a long deserved film that needs to be inducted and one that I have some childhood history with.

Oh Yes, It’s Time To Induct The Giant Claw. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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