Friday, October 9, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Pinocchio's Revenge (1996)

Monster Crap Inductee: Pinocchio’s Revenge
Sometimes Even Crap Comes With Strings Attached

It can be a very tough job trashing bad films and why is that exactly?? That’s because sometimes, you have to trash directors who are all in all, nice guys. Sure, it is enjoyable to bash a director who is a complete jerk.

I’m Looking Particularly At You, Mr. Boll

However, when you know that a director is a really nice guy, you sort of feel like you are being a jerk for trashing the guy. One of those directors just happens to be the director of this week’s induction. His name is Kevin S. Tenney and if you don’t know who he is, well…I don’t blame you. The guy has not directed very much and his first two films are in fact what you may know him by. The first film he directed would be a little film called….

Don’t know him yet? Well if you are a horror fan like I am, you might have heard of the second film he did.

Yes, he directed the cult classic known as Night Of The Demons. So all in all, you root for guys like Kevin S. Tenney to succeed and as a matter of fact, he has done that as an independent director. In fact, four of his films have become the top grossing films of all time for their individual distributors (he has only been involved with 16 films).

And that is where we change directions because we have to talk about the film he wrote and directed, Pinocchio’s Revenge.

In 1988, Child’s Play would come out and become a huge cult hit. The film was originally more of a whodunit film though and it was really good as the doll was silent through most of the movie. And when the doll was finally revealed as alive, it was a very scary moment. After that, there were plenty of other horror movies based on killer toys and of course, most of them sucked. But to be fair, none of them sucked more than the idea I had in seventh grade to try to create a story about a killer teddy bear. The less said about my ideas in eighth grade, the better. Anyway, unfortunately this would end up being one of the countless films that used killer toys.

In fact, when I was young and saw this on VHS….I bought it just so I could have a laugh. Come on, a killer Pinocchio… can’t be serious?? Well, let’s go watch the movie.

We get our first hint that this is crap from the company who distributed this film.

When You See This On Your Movie, Run.

We then start the movie with it being in Tampa, Florida five years ago and how do we know this?
That Is Because This Movie Is So Kind Enough To Tell Us This.

The joke of bad movies needing to tell us where and when we are will never get old. Anyway….

This Movie Doesn’t Wait to Tell Us What This Film’s Title Is By Bringing Out Almost Immediately.

We start with some guy in a trench coat and hat digging a hole.

No, It Is Not Ed From Ed, Edd, & Eddy. If It Were, We Would Be Hearing “Dig A Hole” Over And Over Again.

Unfortunately for this trench coat hole digger, there is a cop on a routine patrol who almost crashes into a pink car.

I Kid You Not, It Is A Pink Car. Who Is This Driver, A Pimp Or A Gay Guy??

Nope, apparently the car belongs to our trench coat pal…who buries something small (it is covered in a yellow tarp) into the hole first. The man decides to go to the bigger item that is covered and we see that it is a dead kid.

I’m sorry, but if you are trying to hide what you did….you bury the kid first, and then you bury the smaller object. Now I am sure you are telling me, “Seth, it may be another younger child in that other tarp”. Well, you can dispense with that nonsense because as soon as this guy gets caught red-handed (and trust me, he does), we find out that the smaller object is in fact a Pinocchio puppet.

Sir, You Aren’t Very Good At This Whole Hiding Your Crime Act.

Now we go to present day…
Like I Said, This Joke Never Gets Old.

Anyway, we go to a news reporter telling us that local wood sculptor Vincent Gotto (The trench coat idiot) was found guilty of being a serial killer. Wait a minute, we only saw one body. You are telling me this dope killed more people? Yeah, I don’t believe this guy could be an effective serial killer one minute and an idiot the next.

We are at a courtroom where the attorney for Mr. Gotto….

This Attractive Young Lass

I’m sorry, where are my manners? Her name is Jennifer Garrick and she is trying to get Gotto’s execution commuted because he is not in fact a serial killer and was only found guilty of one murder. Her argument is that the judge who sentenced him to death used the other murders as reason to have him executed. Well, that actually sounds like a reasonable argument because as we know, one murder rarely gets an execution unless it is really graphic of how he killed this kid and guess what, he strangled the kid so in real life, this guy would have his death sentence commuted to a life sentence. In fact, even the judge decides to take a few days to think about this.

Jennifer decides to go to her home and look over the investigation of the other murders. Apparently, there have been a series of murders out in the open with a blunt force object to the head.

And When I Mean Out In The Open, I Mean There Is More Than One Person Murdered.

If this was used as evidence (which if she has it, it was), then Mr. Gotto would be given just a life sentence.

Oh Yeah, We Also Find Out That Jennifer Is A Single Mother With A Daughter.

This young girl is named Zoe and she asks if those people are dead. Her mother covers up the pictures and sends Zoe off to bed. Jennifer gets her daughter to go to sleep, but we learn that she is not happy with her parents not living together. She has some screwed up dreams about dad and his girlfriend being dead and of course, this only the precursor to how messed up this kid is.

At the office, Jennifer sees that the evidence for the murder has been brought to her desk and is scared when she sees this Pinocchio puppet in her seat.


We get every shot of the puppet that is possible so I guess we are to assume this plays a major role in this film, but of course if you saw the cover art….you already knew that. She asks her co-worker if this is a joke and he tells her that this is the evidence she asked for from the prison impound. She of course asked for this stuff three months ago and her co-worker jokes with her about it being better late than never. She then says that if the judge refuses her appeal, she will ask the governor for a stay of execution. Her co-worker then tells her that her request will never be accepted because it is election year for the governor. Actually, that part is very true. In a year where someone is running for re-election, they won’t be making that much (if any) controversial decisions.

At prison, Jennifer assures Vincent that she plans on asking the governor for a stay of execution. Vincent then tells her that he killed his son so even if he did live, his life would be meaningless. He then asks her why he would want to extend his life by spending the rest of it in prison. He then confesses to the other murders, but she still doesn’t buy it and asks who Vincent is protecting. He reveals that he buried his son with Pinocchio because it was his favorite toy. Vincent makes one last plea to let him be executed before being taken away by the guards.

At school, Zoe shows up another girl named Beth and since they are the two smartest kids in the classroom, Beth does not like that. You see, Beth is the school bully and has her own posse. Now I have never heard of a school bully actually being anywhere close to the smartest kid in class, but I am willing to suspend my disbelief on that small thing. She steals Zoe’s invitations to her birthday party and gets them dirty. Now she doesn’t do what any school bully would do and stomp on those invitations, but her invitations getting dirty sets Zoe off and she attacks Beth. And when I mean attack, Zoe actually decides to take a deep bite of Beth’s ear. I kid you not; this kid tackles the bully and proceeds to bite on her ear.

Mike Must Have Watched This Film Before Fighting Evander Holyfield

Beth decides to react to this by having her posse hold Zoe while she pushes her to the ground. That’s it; Beth pushes Zoe to the ground. Well, that is a weak comeback. No punch, no ass kicking; just a shove. And look at Beth’s face when she recovers from being bitten in the ear.

She Is Mad As Hell

But no beat down, just a push. Coward!!!! I don’t care how much trouble you get into, a simple shove does not counter the fact she bit you in the ear. And Beth leaves, but we later hear that she has to get stitches for her ear. I was never a bully, but what I know is that other person would be getting a serious ass kicking for biting me in the ear.

Get On With It!!

Okay, she heads to Sophia’s (Jennifer’s friend) car and Sophia asks what happened since she sees that Zoe has blood on her lips. She doesn’t care to answer and her mother doesn’t even bother to get the answer. Zoe is now at a psychiatrist’s office and he tries to ask Zoe about her nightmare. Zoe doesn’t really talk about it and instead decides to continue her painting.

At the house, Jennifer is on the phone with Beth’s mother and she tells Zoe that she got word that Beth had to go to the hospital and get stitches for her ear. Zoe says that Beth started it, but Jennifer knows better that a bite to the ear is worse than anything Beth did and grounds Zoe until her birthday party. She originally grounded her longer, but Sophia tells Jennifer that Zoe’s birthday is in a few days so there is a change in plan on the punishment. Zoe’s father (who calls as well) decides to give Jennifer grief once he finds out Zoe got into another fight, but the less said about this insignificant person the better.

Sophia tries to cheer Zoe up by giving her a stuff animal to go to sleep with. Oh yeah, and the stuff animals have names to them as well. This movie is really making me believe this girl needs more than a psychiatrist. Anyway, Zoe chooses the stuffed killer whale and if you want to know the name; well, watch the movie yourself because I am not dignifying this moment by naming the stuffed animal.

The next day, the judge gives her decision and because this movie doesn’t have any logic to it, the judge decides to not commute the sentence. It is now the day of execution and we see Vincent being followed in handcuffs by police officers and a priest quoting part of the bible. Vincent is executed via the electric chair. Jennifer then goes to a church and tells a priest (who acts like he is high on weed) about her guilt over not being able to save a man who she believed was innocent.

Dude, It Says No Where In The Bible That I Can’t Do Drugs.

Of course, Jennifer decides to have a staring contest with the Pinocchio puppet and that is interrupted by her co-worker who tries to cheer her up over the execution. Jennifer calls Sophia while in her car and during the drive, we somehow find that the Pinocchio puppet is in her car. Sophia reveals that the toy company called saying there was a mix up and the doll she ordered will not be there until Monday. Unfortunately, she needed the thing on Friday, but there is nothing she can do.

During Zoe’s birthday party, we notice the guy in the pink jacket is Jennifer’s boyfriend named David. Of course, David reveals what he thinks is Zoe’s present from Jennifer and guess what it turns out to be??

Yes Folks, It Is The Pinocchio Puppet.

After the party, you see that Zoe immediately develops an attachment to that puppet. That night while David tries to put the moves on Jennifer, Zoe interrupts with her Pinocchio puppet. While Zoe tells them that they shouldn’t be scared of Pinocchio as he was good, David decides to tell her that Pinocchio never became a real boy in the story because he always ended up doing naughty things. Well guess what? I checked on the real version of this story and Pinocchio does become a real boy at the end so what David is telling us here is crap. Of course some parts of the story are true like the nose getting longer if he lies and the cricket being his conscience. While sending Zoe to bed, Jennifer tells her that Pinocchio is only visiting until she gets her real present. She also says that if she remembers, Pinocchio was swallowed by a whale so Pinocchio would not want to sleep with the stuffed whale. Well, in the Disney version that is true. However, in real life….he was swallowed by a shark. After tucking Zoe in, Jennifer goes and has sex with David. However, this is being heard by Zoe and she decides to hug Pinocchio. She wishes Pinocchio was a real boy so she wouldn’t be all alone.

There Would Be An “Awe” Sound Clip During This Part, But Do You Really Want To Do That With Pinocchio Being All Creepy.

The next day, Sophia takes a shower and of course, Pinocchio is watching all of this.

Ladies And Gentlemen, It’s Peeping Pinocchio.

This is all interrupted when Zoe comes in and asks what she is doing with Pinocchio.

At the psychiatrist’s office, Zoe reveals that she is worried about David taking her mom away. This could have been a perfect time for the psychiatrist to tell Zoe that her mom is not leaving her just because David goes into the picture full time, but of course this idiot doesn’t say a thing.

At home, Jennifer shows Zoe her real present. It is a very nice life-size doll, but Zoe loves Pinocchio more. Jennifer then tells Zoe that she will have to take Pinocchio back to the office. Zoe doesn’t like this and wants to keep the puppet. That night, Pinocchio sneaks into Zoe’s bed because he wants to sleep with her. Zoe accepts and we move to the next day.

Just The Puppet You Want To Snuggle With

Zoe accepts and we move to the next day. Zoe decides to take Pinocchio to school with her because Jennifer wanted to take him back to the office with her. We then see that something very bad happened to Zoe’s real birthday present.

It Got The Crap Beat Out Of It

At school, Beth and her posse take the Pinocchio puppet from Zoe and throw it over the fence. Zoe goes to get it, but sees that Pinocchio is lying down next to a rake.

Pinocchio Has Something Up His Sleeve

Well, Beth rides her bike and we see that a bus is coming as well. The handle of the rake goes in the bike’s wheel and the bike sends Beth flying into the middle of the oncoming bus. Beth is run over by the bus

Now somehow Beth survives this, but she is unconscious. No one knows what happened so they all have Beth sent to the hospital. Zoe sees what has happened and makes a run for it with Pinocchio. At her office, Jennifer gets the news from the psychiatrist that Zoe just showed up at his office. Jennifer also finds out about what happened at school, but Zoe claims that Pinocchio did it. Jennifer tries to tell the psychiatrist that she plans on taking the puppet with her tomorrow, but the psychiatrist tells her that is not a good idea as Zoe has developed an unusual attachment to the puppet and separation might be too traumatic for her.

In the car, Jennifer grills Zoe over what happened to the doll that was destroyed at home and what happened at school. In both cases, Zoe tries to say the puppet did it, but defends his actions. At night, Jennifer decides to confide in David over what has been happening and fears that she is losing her own daughter. David tries to get Jennifer to quit her job and have both Zoe and her move in with him. Jennifer respectfully declines because Zoe has been through enough changes for one year. We see that Zoe has completely grown attached to Pinocchio and disregards all of her other stuff animals.

The next day, Jennifer and the district attorney have a meeting over what her new client did to a guy who was a drug pusher and pimp. He says that he tortured the man and recorded it all for his sick pleasure. He even plays the tape, but Jennifer tells the DA that she did not hear the client’s voice at all and she will have the judge disallow the jury to hear it.

Back at home, Sophia finds out that the stuffed killer whale is in the garbage and because this was one of Zoe’s favorite toys, she is befuddled. Jennifer tells Sophia that she is going to be late, but Sophia tells her that she has meeting with the I.N.S. this afternoon to renew her work visa so she can’t stay and watch Zoe. Jennifer completely forgot of course so she decides to ask David to watch Zoe. David, being the boyfriend that he is, easily accepts.

In prison, Jennifer interviews her new client about the murder he is charged with.

Her New Client Of Course Looks Like A Biker.

He reveals that after he killed the guy, he stole the heroin and just gave them to people on the streets. She reveals that the stuff was uncut and three people died of an overdose. He reveals that his television told him to commit the murder and sell the heroin to the people uncut. She goes to write a plan for an insanity defense, but he sees this and scolds her, telling her that he is not insane and the television really told him to do those things.

That night at the house, Zoe is told that it is bedtime by David. David then hears Zoe’s voice talking to Pinocchio. We then see that the two are having a conversation where Pinocchio’s lips don’t move (this will come back to bite this movie later). Pinocchio convinces Zoe that if people know that he is talking to her, they will take him away from her and then he will never get to be a real boy. Pinocchio then tells her that he will never leave her, but they can’t be too sure about Jennifer as long as David is around. He then reveals that he knows how to make David go away, but Zoe is against it.

While Zoe is asleep, she hears movement coming out of her room and realizes that Pinocchio is gone. She tries to chase Pinocchio, but ends up being stopped by David who doesn’t believe that Pinocchio is alive. She tells him that Pinocchio is in the basement, so he sends her to bed while he goes and gets Pinocchio. David looks for Pinocchio, but the lights have been turned off. He believes that Zoe is still up so he goes up the stairs, but the door slams on him. He falls down the stairs and hits his head, causing it to bleed.

We go to the hospital where Jennifer finds out about David’s injuries. Zoe confronts Pinocchio in her room about what happened to David. Pinocchio denies it, but in the shadow you can see his nose grow so Zoe knows he is lying. Pinocchio then tries to convince Zoe that Jennifer would get to spend more time with them is Sophia was gone.

The next day, Zoe goes and grabs a cricket in hopes that it would become Pinocchio’s conscience. Sophia reveals to Zoe that in the original Italian story, Pinocchio gets mad at the cricket and squashes him. I have also looked this one up and that part is actually true. Sophia then asks her about finding the stuffed whale in the trash and asks if she threw him away. Zoe does not answer that question and just hangs her head in shame.

At the psychiatrist’s office, the psychiatrist asks Zoe about David’s accident. The psychiatrist is called away and Zoe has another conversation with Pinocchio. This time we see Pinocchio’s mouth moving in a bad CGI way, but that makes me curious. Why did Pinocchio’s mouth not move earlier and then it moved much later. Pinocchio tries to confuse Zoe as if she is sure about Pinocchio causing David’s accident. She yells at Pinocchio to shut up and unfortunately for her, the psychiatrist caught that last part.

That night at home, Jennifer is on the phone and checks up on how David is doing. The hospital nurse tells her that David is actually doing very well and she can see him tomorrow at 8 am. She gets a phone call from the psychiatrist who wishes to speak with her tomorrow. Jennifer tells him that she has a full caseload and she is planning on seeing David at the hospital tomorrow so he can tell her what is wrong right now. The psychiatrist says that he really needs to speak to her in person on this issue. Zoe hears all of this and is mad at Pinocchio because she is in trouble. Pinocchio then convinces Zoe that he will go tell David that it was he who pushed him down the stairs and not Zoe. He reveals in some cockamamie way that if she cuts his strings, he can come to life. Well that didn’t stop him from luring David into the basement so he can push him down the stairs. That also didn’t stop him from running up to her bed to snuggle with her or from trying to see Sophia naked. She agrees to cut the strings and tries to lead Zoe to the hospital, but like an asshole he loses her so he can go to the hospital himself. Once in the hospital, Pinocchio pulls the plug on David’s breathing apparatus, causing David to suffocate to death.

Goodbye Man In The Pink Jacket

Jennifer gets a call from David’s mother while she is in bed that somehow, David died. The hospital of course can’t explain it, but then again the hospital probably failed to look at the unplugged breathing apparatus. Of course we see Jennifer cry and hear David’s mother crying as well. This is of course supposed to be the sad moment in this movie, but there are too many plot holes that I really can’t feel sad for anything. One of those is while at the hospital, there are several people who walk by, but yet do not notice that a puppet is walking around.

At the psychiatrist’s office, he reveals that he often videotapes his sessions and shows Jennifer what happened during Zoe’s last session. We see Zoe yelling and stuff, but yet we see nothing from the puppet. The psychiatrist then wants Jennifer’s permission to have Zoe committed. Jennifer says no and then the psychiatrist threatens to go to the authorities on this. Jennifer then tells the psychiatrist that if he breaches Zoe’s doctor-patient relationship without some strong evidence, then she will use all her resources to have his license pulled.

When Jennifer gets back, she finds out that Zoe’s slippers where muddied last night. She confronts Zoe about this and Zoe tells her that she thinks Pinocchio went to the hospital. Jennifer has had enough and tells Zoe that she is doing what she should have done a while and that is to take Pinocchio away from her. Zoe is upset and tells Jennifer that she hates her. Jennifer puts Pinocchio into the trunk of her car and leaves him there. Jennifer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Zoe in her room with a butcher knife. She says that she was trying to protect Jennifer from Pinocchio, but I don’t buy that for one second.

On the next day, we see Sophia cutting up a banana while Jennifer leaves for the day. At the church, Jennifer tells the priest that she thinks the eight year old kid may have been the one who committed the murders with the blunt force object, Vincent found out about it, and had to kill him. Of course, this kid would have had to have been very strong to be able to kill someone with a blunt force object to the head and kill more than one person with it. Apparently in this movie, evil equals being strong as hell.

At home, Sophia is vacuuming when Zoe goes up and asks her for juice. Zoe talks about how she fears that Pinocchio may hurt Jennifer. Sophia calms her down by saying that Pinocchio now has a conscience so he won’t hurt anyone. Of course that conscience didn’t stop the puppet from killing David, but then again…..they only hinted that he might have done that. Zoe runs off to her room and then finds out that the cricket has been squashed dead. Zoe screams and when Sophia goes to check on what’s wrong, she is attacked and beaten to death with a fire poker.

Jennifer comes home that night and finds that the vacuum cleaner is still on. She notices that the house is silent so she grabs a butcher knife. She goes into the hallway and sees that Sophia is dead. She hears a noise in the living room and when she goes to investigate (this is a horror movie damn it, just go with it), she is hit over the head with the fire poker. She wakes up and sees Zoe with the fire poker.

She says that she has taken the stick from Pinocchio so he doesn’t hurt Jennifer anymore. Zoe runs away and while Jennifer tries to follow, she is attacked by the puppet.

Jennifer makes a run for it and hides in her room with the door close. The puppet cuts through the door and….okay look at the door before the knife goes in.

Jeez….I Wonder Where The Knife Is Going.

And now look after that.

Yep…..I Was Right.

When the door shortly opens, Jennifer tries to close it with her hand. I wonder what is going to happen here.

Of Course

Jennifer hears Zoe scream for her mom. Jennifer then tells Zoe to run and she goes after the puppet. After a long struggle, Jennifer throws the puppet into the table.

Supposedly that is able to stop the puppet, but before Jennifer passes out from the blow to the head, we see one last image of what went through the table.

Yes folks, it never was the puppet. It was instead the girl using the puppet as part of her split personality. The next scene goes to the asylum where Zoe has been committed. Jennifer is still convinced that the puppet attacked her and her daughter was innocent, but the psychiatrist is convinced (and so should you) that Zoe was responsible.

The psychiatrist tries to give her a reason for what she saw in that the blow to the head could have caused her to see something that wasn’t there (very reasonable). The ending comes when Jennifer tells the psychiatrist that she will get her daughter out of the asylum and the psychiatrist tells her that for her sake, he hopes she doesn’t.

Now, no one from this movie has done much afterwards. However, I will state that there is something I wanted to mention about the actress who played Jennifer. Rosalind Allen was known beforehand as Silver Kane in All My Children, but I know her as Dr. Wendy Smith in one of my favorite shows when I was a kid.

Yeah, I Loved This Show When I Was Young.

Now we go to the part where I state my opinion on the movie. This movie is an extreme disappointment. It tries to say it is a killer puppet movie, but in the end…it is a movie that delves into the insane mind of a little girl. However, they never explained how the puppet got into the car. It definitely wasn’t Jennifer who put the puppet into the car. It was not her co-worker as he denied having anything to do with that. How the hell did the puppet get into the car? This movie has too many plot holes and tries to trick your ass. Unfortunately, the trick does not work and this movie is a complete piece of crap. The reason this induction is not as long as my past inductions is because for most of the movie, nothing happens. Now I’m not angry at this movie, but I am not in any way happy about what I just watched.

Okay, now that I am done with that, I guess it is now time to find out my Oct…

Hey Pal; It’s Time For Another Trip.

Oh boy, this should be should be fun. Where is the destination this time???

To Hell!!!


Just Kidding…..

Very funny; now seriously, where are we going to???

Outer Space

Oh boy, I can’t wait.

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